2023 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Saturday, April 1, 2023. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2023 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Pittsburgh Steelers: Brenton Cox, DE, Florida
The Steelers often draft well, but they shifted away from their normal plans last year because owner Art Rooney vowed to never pass on a Pittsburgh quarterback ever again since the team eschewed Dan Marino long ago.

“I’ve also vowed never to pass on a Florida defensive end ever again because back in 1999, we drafted Troy Edwards over Jevon Kearse, and that has haunted my dreams ever since,” Rooney said. “Players who play the same position from the same school are all identical, so it would be foolish not to take Brenton Cox here even though we could just get him a round later.”
Detroit Lions: Jahmyr Gibbs, RB, Alabama
The Lions and fat fantasy football players were thrilled to get Barry Sanders back at No. 6. By the time the Titans were on the clock, Sanders retired again.

“That’s it, I quit, at least until the summer rolls around and I have an itch to play again!” yelled an old, fat fantasy football player. “And you better believe my last pick will still be used on Barry.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida
When Baker Mayfield signed with the Buccaneers, it was assumed that the former No. 1 overall pick would have a chance to succeed Tom Brady as the team’s starting quarterback. That wasn’t what Tampa Bay’s front office had in mind, however.

“We here at the Buccaneers have the most diverse coaching staff in the NFL, which is significant because diversity is more important than success,” Bruce Arians said. “My diverse coaching staff came up with a plan. Instead of winning games, we’re going to host a game show where bust quarterbacks from the south compete for the love and affection of football coaches.”

Perhaps Arians needs a better coaching staff.

“We already have Kyle Trask and Baker Mayfield, and now we’re adding Blake Bortles,” Arians said. “We’re aiming for JaMarcus Russell next. It’ll be great. This show will be called My Crappy Southern Quarterback. Fans can buy tickets now, but don’t wait because they won’t last very long!”
Seattle Seahawks: Forfeited
Pete Carroll was too busy pleasuring himself with the Comeback Player of the Year trophy to submit a pick.

Los Angeles Chargers: The Idiot’s Guide to Not Blowing Football Games
The Chargers very easily could have fired Brandon Staley for blowing a 27-0 lead in the playoffs to the Jaguars. They’ve decided to give Staley a book instead. Using this draft choice, they were able to hand Staley the Idiot’s Guide to Not Blowing Football Games.

“This book is fascinating,” Staley said, while flipping through the pages. “Chapter 4 says that if you have a big lead, you should run the ball and keep the clock moving so the other team can’t catch up. And Chapter 7 says that if you can get into the playoffs with a tie, don’t let the other team kick a field goal by calling a timeout and stopping the clock.”

Baltimore Ravens: Saint Omni, Agent, Eastern Michigan
The NFL issued a warning not to have negotiations with Saint Omni, and now we see why.

“Lamar Jackson previously declined a contract worth $133 million over three years, but now he has accepted a contract worth seven bucks over a decade,” Adam Schefter reported while injecting himself with an 88th booster shot.

The man behind the magic is Saint Omni, who will destroy all negotiating power for players.

“Saint Omni is extremely dangerous for the players,” said Mike Florio, who would later fall over while pushed by a very slight gust of wind. “He’s a mystical wizard who can melt the brains of players, causing them to make the worst decisions possible for themselves. It’s important that the players retain their power, or I’ll be upset for no reason at all.”
Minnesota Vikings: Traded to Lions
The Vikings have traded this pick to the Lions, who drafted Will Anderson in response. General manager Kewsi Adofo-Mensah was at a loss when asked what he received in return.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were supposed to get picks back in a trade,” Adofo-Mensah said.

What a disaster for the Vikings. Adofo-Mensah, however, shrugged it off.

“I’ll take this as a teaching lesson,” he said. “Next time, I’ll know that you’re supposed to get stuff back in a trade. This is complex stuff, guys.”

Jacksonville Jaguars: Drew Brees, QB, Purdue
When the Jaguars used this pick on Drew Brees, many assumed it was to have someone mentor Trevor Lawrence. That, however, was not the case.

“I’m here to help Calvin Ridley make responsible wagers,” Brees said. “At PointsBet, you can get a 100-percent deposit bonus. Calvin was signing up at sportsbooks with only a 50-percent deposit bonus.”

Brees was asked if it would be for the best if Ridley stopped gambling entirely.

“No, that’s foolish,” Brees declared. “Calvin has the potential to be the best sports bettor in the world, but he needs guidance. With me, he’ll make all the winning wagers. Gambling problem? Go to DrewBreesBetting.com and get my winning picks.”
New York Giants: Pete Carroll Repellent
The Giants planned on drafting a receiver with this pick, but had to pivot in the wake of certain events.

“Pete Carroll was seen breaking into my office and fondling my Coach of the Year trophy,” Brian Daboll said. “It was quite disturbing.”

Daboll cherishes his Coach of the Year trophy, so he wants to keep it safe. Adding Pete Carroll Repellent was a must for that reason.

“Jay Cutler is the perfect deterrent for Pete Carroll,” Daboll explained. “Pete loves guys who are competitive, and it doesn’t get any less competitive than Jay.”

“Meh,” Cutler added.

Dallas Cowboys: Cody Parkey, K, Auburn
Brett Maher didn’t cost the Cowboys a playoff win with his four missed extra points, but he easily could have. Thus, the Cowboys spent the first opening-round pick on a kicker since the Raiders selected Sebastian Janikowski.

“I’m an expert at winning football games and getting the most out of my team, so I begged for Jerry to give me a kicker,” Mike McCarthy said.

Instead of drafting a rookie kicker, the Cowboys kicked the tires on Cody Parkey.

“Why have a rookie when we know Cody can at least hit the uprights?” McCarthy asked. “That automatically makes him better than Brett. Trust me, I know these things. I’m an expert at winning football games and getting the most out of my team.”
Houston Texans: Jalin Hyatt, WR, Tennessee
The Bills have traded this pick, as well as a player for Houston’s 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, and 2029 first-round picks. That player is Josh Allen.

Wait, why would the Bills trade Josh Allen? It turns out they didn’t.

“We got away with a Damar Hamlin body double during the playoff game, so that made me realize: Why don’t we just trade body doubles of everyone else?” general manager Brandon Beane was overheard saying to his staff.

This strategy is working to perfection, as the Bills are lining up to deal a Stefon Diggs body double for another first-round choice. Meanwhile, Cal McNair was thrilled.

“I told you fools that we would get a quarterback!” McNair snapped. “I was right all along, and now we have Josh Allen, who is a lot shorter than I thought. But who is the smartest guy in the NFL? Me, me, me!”

Cincinnati Bengals: Ed Hochuli, REF, Arizona
The Bengals were irate over some of the calls that went against them in the AFC Championship against the Bengals. In fact, this made them take extreme actions.

“We need nothing more than a ref on our side,” Zac Taylor said. “That way, when shady calls benefit the other team, our ref can overrule them.”

There’s nothing in the NFL bylaws that say teams can’t employ their own refs, so credit the Bengals for this galaxy brain pick.

“Ed Hochuli will make sure games are officiated fairly,” Taylor declared. “And if the other refs don’t comply, he’ll beat them into a pulp.”
New Orleans Saints: Stetson Bennett, QB, Georgia
Mickey Loomis couldn’t believe it. Both C.J. Stroud and Bryce Young made it to his pick. Unreal.

“OK, guys, we’re on the clock, but it’s time to really dig into these prospects,” Loomis announced in the war room.

The Saints’ front office quickly fell in love with both quarterbacks – that is, until, they found some damning information about both of them.

“We’ve decided to draft Stetson Bennett instead,” Loomis said. “Stroud and Young are very talented, but we came to learn that no one came to their birthday parties, so they’re clearly going to be busts. Stetson, on the other hand, had everyone on his team at his birthday party, so that makes him the better quarterback.”
Philadelphia Eagles: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Howie Roseman couldn’t stop cackling.

“MUHAHAHAHA, I LAUGH AT YOU, PITIFUL SALARY CAP SPACE! MUHAHAAHAHAHAHA!”

Kansas City Chiefs: Duncan the Tall, OT, Maryland
The Chiefs perhaps meant to draft Jaelyn Duncan. Instead, they mistakenly drafted Duncan the Tall.

“Hem, hem, uhh, hem, hem, umm, uhh, umm, hem, hem, uhh, hem, hem, umm, uhh, umm, hem, hem, umm, time’s yours,” Andy Reid said at a press conference.

“What Mr. Reid said is that he accidentally ate his draft card and handed in a page of George R.R. Martin’s work instead,” Reid’s translator said.

Whoops. Well, as long as the Chiefs have Patrick Mahomes, it probably doesn’t matter.