2013 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Saturday, April 15, 2013.

This is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2013 NFL Mock Draft or 2014 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.

Back to 2013 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft, Picks 1-16.

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers: A.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama
    (By Brent Musburger, Play-by-Play Announcer)

    I talked to Ben Roethlisberger, and he wants me to draft A.J. McCarron, the fine quarterback from Alabama. I know that A.J. is not eligible this year. But he’s certainly – CERTAINLY – worth this pick for obvious reasons. Have you seen A.J.’s beautiful girlfriend? Wow, is all I have to say. She is super sexy and Big Ben Roethlisberger agrees.

  2. Dallas Cowboys: Gillis Lee, RB, Florida
    (By Emmitt Smith)

    I am makin’ my annual 2013 NFL Mark Draft for this Web sight but WalterFootballs ask me to make preview for my mark draft for this pick, so I have no choice but to disobey and make the preview.

    Everybody say the Cowboy need defense to get to the doggone playoff. I unagree on these. The Cowboy do not have a runnin’ back. Marco Murray not real good and Felix Jones always on the I.R., which stand for injury ride. I do not even know who the other runnin’ back be name. I do not has a death chart in the front of me or in the back of me.

    This guy Gillis Lee go to my almost matters. This is another word for old school. Gillis Lee from the Gator gonna be big upgreat for the Cowboy. And it’s so great that he have the name “great” in his upgreat standin’.

  3. New York Giants: Unclear
    (By AT&T – It’s Not Complicated Commercials)

    Grown Man: Guys, what’s better, eating 5,000 Skittles or eating no Skittles?

    All Kids: FIVE THOOOUSSAAANNND SKIITTTLLEEESSS!!!

    Grown Man: Why 5,000 Skittles?

    Kid with Buck Teeth: I MADE POOPIE IN MY PANTS!

    Grown Man: That’s very interesting. I’ve never done that before.

    Token Black Kid: Derp dee derp! Derp dee derpittee derpee derp!

    Grown Man: Another stupid black kid. What a surprise!

    Asian Kid: I’ve already calculated the circumferences of all the Skittles in this bag, and I can tell you that the largest Skittle is the…

    Grown Man: Go play on your computer, a**hole. Hey, baby, you look like you have something interesting to say.

    Girl: I LIKE SKITTLES SKITTLES ARE SO YUMMY!

    Grown Man: That’s right, baby. What time do you get off kindergarten?

  4. Chicago Bears: Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia
    (By Jay Cutler, Quarterback)

    *** Jay Cutler couldn’t make it to a computer to type in his pick. He texted me instead. ***

    “sry had 2 go 2 saladworks taking having austin ugh why is it auto correcting to having i mean tavon austin ugh the lines so big here btw just texted my wife happy anniversary cuz i 4 got this morning lol do you think she’ll be mad lol”



  5. Cincinnati Bengals: Stepfan Taylor, RB, Stanford
    (By Tiger Woods, Golfer)

    I didn’t want to reveal my real draft pick because I think stuff like that has to be private, but I saw that my ex-wife Gisele mocked Matt Barkley to the Bengals in her own mock draft, so because she picked a USC player, I have to go with a Stanford player, of course. I didn’t want to make it public, but I had to!

    This reminds me of my real-life relationship right now. Lindsey Vonn and I didn’t want to reveal that we were having a relationship but we just had to! Lindsey and I are getting along great. We have so much in common and we talk so deeply, and that’s all that matters. What do we have in common and what do we talk about, you ask? Well, uhh… umm… shut up, OK, just trust me that we are like soul mates and stuff!

  6. Washington Redskins: Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
    (By Barack Obama, President)

    I’m Barack Obama, and I was told I was in charge of Washington’s draft pick. I was excited before I learned that they don’t have one. They traded it away to the Rams for Robert Griffin. This was a good deal, but the important thing is that the Redskins need to win now. That’s why I called up the Rams and demanded this selection back. I told them I was willing to part ways with the first-rounders in the 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, 2031, 2032, 2033 and so on NFL Mock Drafts.

    The Rams laughed and asked me if I was sure. I said absolutely. Why should I care what happens in 2017 and beyond? I won’t be in charge of Washington’s pick by then. I’ll let someone else worry about it. The important thing is winning now so I look good as a mock drafter up until 2016.

  7. Minnesota Vikings: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
    (By Mike Mayock, NFL Draft Analyst)

    Here’s the deal with Geno Smith, Paul, when I put the tape on Geno Smith, I don’t see a top-10 prospect, now when I say that does that mean I believe he won’t go in the top 10, of course not, quarterbacks get pushed up because that’s just how the NFL works today, but let me tell you something Paul, when I watched the film on Geno Smith, I see a quarterback who has some accuracy issues, sometimes he’s right on target, but sometimes you just shake your head, but at the end of the day, Paul, Geno Smith is still the No. 1 quarterback on my board even though you don’t hit all of the bases with him, Paul, he’s 6-foot-2, 218 pounds soakin’ wet, nine-and-a-quarter-inch arms, ran a 4.59 40 at the Combine, had 33-and-a-half inches on the vertex, 10-foot-4 on the broad jump, he’s athletic and he can make all of the throws, there’s not one throw he can’t make, Paul, he’s a smart kid, he works hard, there’s nothing he won’t do for the team, he won’t let you down on the practice field, and after watching the tape, Paul, at the end of the day, Geno Smith is a top-10 prospect in my eyes, Paul.

  8. Indianapolis Colts: Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia
    (By Woody Paige, Old Fart)

    I’ve been reading this WalterFootball.com site, guys, and this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about! He makes all of these mock drafts, it’s almost like he’s a dank mushroom sitting in a cloud of darkness! With all of these picks he can point to one and pat himself on the back like this, see how I’m patting myself on the back, Tony? This is how he’s going to pat himself on the back for getting one of his 500 picks right, guys! But what was I talking about again? Where am I? Oh, the Colts pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft! Just look at the schedule, guys! The Colts play the Jaguars twice this year, the Titans twice this year, the Oilers twice this year and the Colts twice this year, so the Colts need to give Peyton Manning a top-notch receiver, guys! If you don’t think so, you’re probably too deep into the trees to see the forest, guys!



  9. Seattle Seahawks: Bark Ave Sew Mingo, DE, LSU
    (By Mario Migelini, The Most Illiterate Football Fan in the World)



  10. Green Bay Packers: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
    (By Shawn Zobel, NFL Draft Expert)

    Before I get to my pick, I have some breaking news about the Packers. Sources can confirm to me that Ted Thompson farts in his sleep. My sources hid inside his house and counted the farts. There were 17 of them two nights ago and then there were 19 last night. My sources say this is 100-percent accurate. Also, Ted Thompson buys 2-percent milk. My sources say this is absolutely true.

    As for this pick, my sources tell me the Packers are looking to upgrade the quarterback position. My sources tell me that Aaron Rodgers wants to retire so he can play mini-golf all day. My sources tell me he loves mini-golf but is always frustrated by the windmill. My sources tell me other things, which you can read about in my Draft Preview for just $29.95, so pick up a copy on my Web site.

    Seriously, pick up a copy of my Draft Preview for $29.95 on my site. It has great things like write-ups for prospects and inside information and a cool metric I stole from someone, I mean developed myself. So buy my Draft Preview for $29.95 and pick up a copy.

  11. Houston Texans: Manti Te’o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Metta World Peace, Basketball Player)

    I’m taking Manti Te’o. Why? Because he’s as calm and at peace as I am. That’s why I changed my name to Metta World Peace. Because I believe in peace and happiness above all else. I’m seriously on a different plane right now that everyone else. Everything is so peaceful and serene that nothing can really bother me. I am Metta World Peace and I will never get angry ever again… wait a second, where’s the Fruit Roll-Up I was saving? I was specifically saving it for this moment, and it’s gone. I think Dwight Howard took it. WHAT THE F*** WHY DOES THIS A**HOLE ALWAYS TAKE MY S*** I’M TIRED OF THIS F***ING BULLS*** I’M GOING TO F***ING KILL DWIGHT HOWARD IN HIS SLEEP AND THEN I’M GONNA PUNCH RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE STREET BECAUSE I’M F***ING RON ARTEST AND NO ONE F***ING STEALS MY F***ING FRUIT ROLL-UPS!

  12. Denver Broncos: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
    (By Skip Bayless, Greatest Troller in Earth’s History)

    Is there any doubt who should be picked here? It’s Tim Tebow, of course. Is there any coincidence that the Broncos won a home playoff game against an AFC North team with Tim Tebow and lost a home playoff game against an AFC North team with Peyton Manning? Tim Tebow is obviously better than Peyton Manning. In fact, he’s better at his position than Richard Sherman is at cornerback.

    Oh, and don’t get me started on LeBron James. What a fraud. The Heat only won 27 games because their opponents weren’t very good. They almost lost to the Kings, for crying out loud. Tim Tebow would never lose to the Kings. LeBron, meanwhile, choked against the Bulls, as I predicated he would. He sucks. Did you see that flagrant foul he committed? Tim Tebow would never do that. Tim Tebow doesn’t lose to northern teams in important games. LeBron does. That’s why Tim Tebow is a better basketball player than LeBron James. There, I said it. Tim Tebow is better at what he does and at what LeBron does than LeBron is at anything. And Richard Sherman? He’s not even in the conversation as best basketball player.



  13. New England Patriots: Unavailable
    (By Bill Simmons, ESPN Writer)

    I don’t agree with what Skip Bayless just wrote because I…

    *** ESPN just banned Bill Simmons for one year for disagreeing with Skip Bayless ***

  14. Atlanta Falcons: Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington
    (By Tony Gonzalez, Tight End)

    I’m 95-percent sure I’m not going to make this pick. I’m 95-percent sure I’m done making mock drafts. I’m 95-percent sure you won’t get any analysis from me. I’m 95-percent sure I just want to rest. I’m 95-percent sure I won’t even watch the draft. I’m 95-percent sure I don’t even know who’s eligible for the draft. I’m 95-percent sure I ate cake last night. I’m 95-percent sure I won’t provide you with a mock draft pick. I’m 95-percent sure I haven’t watched NFL Network in the last month. I’m 95-percent sure there’s no point in even reading this write-up.

    OK, I changed my mind. Desmond Trufant it is.

  15. San Francisco 49ers: Manti Te’o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Chris Culliver, Homophobe)

    I gotta like be careful what I thay because like Jeezzzth Chriitthh people like got tho mad and thutuff when I thaid that I don’t want gay people in the locker room but Jeeezzthh Chriitth gay people are like thooo ewwwww like omg can you imagine a dude thtaring at my peepee when I’m like in the thower and thtuff that’th like tho disguthting and thtuff like omg but maybe I could like thtare at the other guy’th peepee mythelf like omg that would be like tho cool.

    I wanna take Manti Te’o for my pick. Thome people thay hith nickname ith like Manti Gay’o OK omg I like made up that nickname ith tho cool but anywayth maybe Gay’o would let me thtare at hith peepee in the thower and thtuff that would be like tho cool you guyth.

  16. Baltimore Ravens: Manti Te’o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Manti Te’o, Linebacker)

    Hi, it’s Manti again, and I have some important news to announce. Remember when I said my best friend, Kennay Lakua, died of cancer? Well, it turns out that he never was real in the first place. Yes, it was all a hoax, and I truly believed it the whole time.

    I can’t believe this. I never met Kennay Lakua, but we had such a deep connection. All of that stuff about him being the son of an African king and his money being tied up by his own government seemed so real, so believable. How could it all be a hoax? I still can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I’ve lost two friends today. My real friend Kennay and my hoax friend Kennay.

    In the end, I’m going to mock myself to the Ravens. I saw videos of John Harbaugh shaking his head when I ran that 40 at the Combine, but I’m sure he was just worried about his own best friend or girlfriend whom he has never met before but will one day.



    Real 2013 NFL Mock Draft


    Back to 2013 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16



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NFL Power Rankings - Feb. 22


2024 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 21


Fantasy Football Rankings - Feb. 19


NFL Picks - Feb. 12






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Other 2018 Mock Drafts: Charlie Campbell (4/26) /Combo (5/6) /Goals (4/21) /Not Mock (4/20) /Emmitt Mock (4/15) /Trades Mock (4/13) /Backward Mock (4/8) /April Fools Mock (4/1) /Reader Mock /Free Agent Mock (3/11) /Senior Bowl (1/27)
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Other 2022 Mock Drafts: Charlie Campbell (4/28) /Goals (4/22) /Backward Mock (4/20) /Emmitt Mock (4/15) /April Fools Mock (4/1) /Senior Bowl Mock (2/5) /Overreaction Mock (1/10)
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Other 2024 Mock Drafts: Charlie Campbell (2/26)
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