2020 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2020. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2020 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Dallas Cowboys: Hue Jackson, HC, Pacific
When the Cowboys fired Jason Garrett, there weren’t many candidates available who would’ve served as a downgrade. Somehow, the Cowboys managed to hire one of them, agreeing to terms with Mike McCarthy. For those who may have forgotten, McCarthy was so bad in Green Bay that Aaron Rodgers lost a game on purpose so that McCarthy and his 1950s offense would no longer be a part of the franchise. Despite this, Dallas opted to make McCarthy the replacement for Garrett.

This, apparently, was not satisfying enough for Jerry Jones, who fired McCarthy minutes before making this pick. The selection turned out to be Hue Jackson.

I need to make sure everyone knows how good my draft picks are, so if we have the worst coach possible, and we still win some games, I will get all the here credit,” Jones said.

It’s unclear why Jones would rather receive recognition than win a Super Bowl, but that’s the choice he has made.

“Why do you think Jason was coaching for so dang long?” Jones asked. “It’s very important to me to make sure everyone knows I am most responsible for the Dallas Cowboys winning, and that dag nabbit Jimmy Johnsonis finally seen as the fraud he really is.”

Miami Dolphins: Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson
The Dolphins forfeited their previous pick because they’ve made it quite apparent that they want to tank for the 2021 NFL Draft. We wondered if they would forfeit this selection as well, but they had other plans.

“We’re going to take Trevor Lawrence next year, so we might as well reserve the pick,” owner Stephen Ross said.

It’s unclear if you can “reserve” a pick. Roger Goodell paused the draft to peruse the NFL rulebook. Goodell announced shortly afterward that the Dolphins were, in fact, in violation.

“This is bulls**t!” Ross bellowed. “I traded for extra picks in this draft so I could reserve picks in the next draft! Trevor Lawrence is mine because we reserved him! Mine, mine, MINE!”

Despite Ross’ protests, the Dolphins will once again surrender a draft choice. That’s two down and one to go.

Las Vegas Raiders: Rhonny Mankowski, TE, Arizona A&M
The Raiders terrified small children with their Peytom Branning selection at No. 12 overall. However, the team wasn’t done splicing the DNA of NFL players. They introduced their latest creation with the 19th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft:

“This was a masterpiece was father was going to finish before he passed,” Mark Davis said. “This is even better than Peytom Branning, but we needed a quarterback more.”

Rhonny Mankowski will take the best parts of Rob Gronkowski and Johnny Manziel. Mankowski will be unstoppable over the middle of the field as a tight end threat. He’ll be too big for smaller, faster players and too quick for better tacklers. When he scores touchdowns, that’s when the Manziel DNA will take over. Mankowski will begin to act like a douche, so much so that everyone will hate him. Mankowski will also do drugs and drink lots of alcohol, but because he’s so large, he’ll never be stoned or drunk.

Most teams would not like these traits, but the Raiders value them.

“My dad always said, ‘Just win, baby,’ but that was only part of the quote,” Davis revealed. “The whole quote, which you could hear in private was, ‘Just win, baby, and do so while acting like douches.'”

Jacksonville Jaguars: Ferris Wheel
When we last spoke of the Jaguars, owner Shad Khan promised the fans a water slide because his team would be playing two games in London. Khan has since agreed to play five more games overseas.

“In addition to the two in London, we will be playing one in Paris, one in Saudi Arabia, one in an abandoned fake village in North Korea, one in a sunken ship in Atlantis and one on the dark side of the moon so no one can see it,” Khan said.

Jaguar fans were distraught upon hearing the news that there would be just one game remaining in Jacksonville. Khan attempted to appease the fans.

“Guys, don’t worry, I’ll make up for it,” Khan said. “We can install a Ferris wheel in the stadium. Now, all of you and your families can enjoy the game while being moved slowly in a circular motion.”

Somehow, we don’t think the Jacksonville faithful will be too happy about this. This is not an aquatic activity, after all.

Philadelphia Eagles: Jerry Jeudy, WR, Alabama
The Eagles desperately needed a receiver, especially after what transpired last year with all of their injuries. They managed to have Jerry Jeudy fall right into their laps. No one expected this to happen.

“I’m thrilled to welcome Jerry to our football team,” head coach Doug Pederson said at the introductory press conference. “Jerry, please come up to the podium and address the press.”

Jeudy walked toward Pederson, but slipped on a banana peel. In doing so, he ruptured both of his ACLs, MCLs, PCLs, HCLs, ZCLs and XCLs, and he’s out indefinitely.

“Damn it, I guess I shouldn’t have urinated on that Indian burial ground,” Pederson lamented.

Buffalo Bills: Re-Written History
There have been reports indicating that the NFL is looking to expand the playoffs to seven teams. This has proven to be an incorrect Jason La Canfora-type story. In fact, the opposite is true.

“We’re dropping the number of playoff teams to just four,” Roger Goodell said. “It’s tiresome traveling to so many stadiums so that fans and other peons can kiss my ring, so I’m shortening the playoffs and extending the preseason to eight games.”

In doing so, the NFL is actually retroatively eliminating teams that qualified for the playoffs as fifth and sixth seeds over the years. This means that the Bills, who reached the postseason as a wild card in 2017 and 2019, are now back to being playoff-less since the 90s once more.

New England Patriots: Super Duper Lasik Surgery
Bill Belichick is often asked about particular football topics. It just comes with the territory of being a six-time Super Bowl-winning head coach. One such topic was the Jameis Winston Super Lasik surgery.

“The man is a fool,” Belichick said bluntly.

We predicted as much from Belichick. What he said next, however, was completely unexpected.

“Why would Jameis waste Super Lasik surgery on looking at naked women when he could easily use it to win football games?” Belichick asked.

Winston’s procedure motivated Belichick to undergo Super Duper Lasik surgery.

“With my new pristine eyesight, I will be able to scan the minds of opposing coaches and know exactly what they’re thinking,” Belichick told a friend in confidence. “Now, I won’t get caught when random cameras and video crews are found. No one will be able to stop me from cheating now!”

New Orleans Saints: Personal Official
The Saints have been robbed the past two playoffs. They were victimized by a blatant non-call against the Rams that prompted the NFL to adopt a replay review system for pass interference. This did not help, however, as an obvious offensive pass interference by Kyle Rudolph was not reviewed a year later.

“It’s obvious we’re getting screwed again, much like those kids by those priests that we were protecting for some reason,” Sean Payton said. “We need to do something about it.”

The Saints have opted to use their first-round pick on a paid official. Now, whenever the NFL referees whistle the Saints with a poor call, New Orleans’ own official can step in and overrule the other zebras.

“Now with our own official, the NFL can go f**k off, kind of like the preists we protected did with those kids,” Payton gloated.

Minnesota Vikings: Courage
Kirk Cousins has received his fair share of criticism. It comes with the territory, given that he was paid a fully guaranteed contract and hasn’t quite lived up to it. Cousins doesn’t seem to perform well in the clutch, and his ability to thrive in big moments has been questioned.

When the Vikings made their draft choice, it wasn’t clear what they were going to do with “courage.” We discovered this soon enough, however, when Cousins was whisked away in a tornado. His house landed on Elizabeth Warren, who had admittedly just stolen $3 from a poor college student with $6 in their bank account.

“Whoops, sorry, lady,” Cousins said. He quickly forgot about it, however, as he traversed a brick road with a yellow hue. Throughout his travels he encountered Jared Goff and Jay Cutler.

“Derr, I need a brain, derr,” Goff said.

“Whatever man, I just don’t have a heart to care,” Cutler added while smoking a cigarette.

“G- g- guys, I’m sc- scared,” Cousins replied.

Nevertheless, Cousins, Goff and Cutler traveled to the main city and found the wizard, who granted them whatever they desired most. Cousins clicked his heels together and returned home with his new-found courage.

Houston Texans: Andrew Thomas, OT, Georgia
The Dolphns had lost their first two picks, so what was going to happen the third time? As it turned out, they wouldn’t select a single player in the 2020 NFL Draft despite having three first-round chices to begin the proceedings.

Miami, quite simply, never had a chance. The pick had vanished.

“Professor gave me this device and told me how to use it,” Bill O’Brien said, holding a necklace. “Prior to this day, I have been able to use it to attend multiple classes at the same time, but I’ve finally put it to good use.”

The device in question is a time turner.

“I realized that I could go back in time a year ago and not foolishly surrender my draft picks,” O’Brien said. “So, I turned this backward and got my picks back. I also was able to negate the DeAndre Hopkins trade and save the Snuffpuffs from extinction and the Quargleypoos from the Charbinkas. That was tough, but it was worth it.”

O’Brien beamed.

“I celebrated by eating a whole bag of mollyploofs.”

Seattle Seahawks: Jedrick Wills, OT, Alabama
Hey, look, the Seahawks finally addressed their offensive line!

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April Fools!

Baltimore Ravens: Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon
Lamar Jackson unanimously won MVP, but he still has his detractors. Some say he won’t last in the NFL very long because he’ll need to rely on passing more once his rushing is diminished. Others pointed to his two playoff debacles.

“Lamar Jackson might be the worst quarterback I’ve ever seen,” said professional troll Skip Bayless. “He’s right down there with LeBron James, who is the worst basketball player I’ve ever seen.”

You’d think the Ravens would ignore the criticism of Jackson, but that’s not the case.

“I thought Lamar was good, but all of these media guys and Twitter people are saying he sucks!” general manager Eric DeCosta whined. “Guess we’ll have to go back to the drawing board!”

The new plan will be to use new quarterback Justin Herbert under center. Baltimore will move Jackson to receiver, just as some prominent NFL people predicted prior to the 2018 NFL Draft.

You’d think the Ravens would know not to listen to idiots on Twitter, but they apparently have not learned that lesson.

Tennessee Titans: D’Andre Swift, RB, Georgia
A running back? When the Titans have Derrick Henry? How does this make any sense?

“Todd McShay had it in his mock draft,” general manager Jon Robinson explained. “If Todd had it in his mock draft, it must be a logical pick. What are we going to do with both Henry and Swift? I don’t know. Quite frankly, we have no idea what we want to do, so we just went off Todd’s mock because it always has the most logical picks.”

Green Bay Packers: Isaiah Zuber, WR, Mississippi State
The Packers are desperate for receiving help, so it’s not a surprise that they selected a player who can catch passes from Aaron Rodgers. However, many were expecting someone like Justin Jefferson, Tee Higgins or Jalen Reagor.

“Those guys are way too talented,” general manager Brian Gutekunst scoffed. “This Isaiah Zubac sucks, so he’s exactly what we’re looking for.”

It’s actually Isaiah Zuber; not Zubac. A reporter attempted to correct Gutekunst, but the general manager dismissed him.

“Does it look like I care?” Gutekunst asked. “In fact, I care so little that I’m going to ask the equipment people to give this guy a jersey that says Zubac on the back. That’s how little I care about improving the receiving corps.”

San Francisco 49ers: Time Out!
It turns out that general manager John Lynch is still salty about the Super Bowl loss. Particularly, he remains pissed about a mistake Kyle Shanahan committed prior to halftime.

“TIME OUT! TIME OUT! TIME OUT!” Lynch shrieked atop his lungs, re-living the moment two-and-a-half months later. “HOW F***ING DIFFICULT IS IT TO CALL TIME-F**KING OUT!?”

Lynch, apparently, is not going to let it go.

“That’s f**king it, I’m going to use this f**king pick on a f**king timeout just to prove a f**king point!”

Kyle Shanahan sheepishly approached the podium.

“Umm… Jon, what is this timeout you’re talking about?” Shanahan asked. “What’s that, and what do I do with it?”

Lynch hopped over the podium in a flash and put his hands around Shanahan’s neck.

“YOU JUST CALL THE F**KING TIMEOUT!” Lynch bellowed. “YOU JUST F**KING CALL THE TIMEOUT!!!”

Kansas City Chiefs: Nine Pykes
The Chiefs winning the Super Bowl was an iconic moment for both the franchise and Patrick Mahomes. Another iconic moment for Mahomes occurred during a Sunday night game in December when he dismantled the Bears. Upon scoring a touchdown, Mahomes counted the number of teams that passed on him on his fingers. Many saw this as a “cool” moment for a quarterback emerging as the best player at his position in the entire league.

This, however, was much more sinister than everyone initially realized. Mahomes wasn’t just counting the teams that passed on him. He was counting the number of pykes he needed.

“I placed the heads of the nine general managers who passed on me on the nine pykes, it’s pretty awesome,” Mahomes said gleefully. “I put them right outside my bedroom window so they’re the first thing I see when I wake up every morning.

Mahomes proceeded to pour ketchup on his Cocoa Puffs. One reporter grunted in disgust.

“Oh, you have a problem with ketchup on Cocoa Puffs?” Mahomes asked. “Grunt again, and I’ll order a 10th pyke.”