2021 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Thursday, April 1, 2021. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2021 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Las Vegas Raiders: Trey Lance, QB, North Dakota State
The Raiders were offered a first-round pick for Derek Carr, but they turned down the offer from the Panthers.

“I call Matt Rhule the Benedict Arnold, because he’s a big time traitor,” Jon Gruden said. “He’s always trading picks for quarterbacks, so he’s a big-time traitor.”

Gruden, who didn’t seem to understand the difference between traitor and trader, was excited about his new quarterback.

“I call Trey Lance the Rushmore, because he’s from North Dakota,” Gruden said.

We forgot to tell Gruden he had the wrong state because we were confused by the pick. Why would he select a quarterback when he didn’t trade Carr?

“I’m calling you guys the teacher because you’re always asking me questions,” Gruden said. “And I’m calling Derek Carr the pilot because if we go down, he’s going down with the ship with us.”

None of this was logical, but at least the nicknames were cool.

Miami Dolphins: Zach Wilson, QB, BYU
Another quarterback? Does this mean that the Dolphins now have two quarterbacks to close for Tua Tagovailoa?

“You betcha,” head coach Brian Flores said. “Zach Wilson will be a perfect backup whom we’ll sometimes insert into the game when we’re losing.”

“Not so fast!” barked Zack Wilson, who rushed toward the podium and bumped Flores away from the microphone. Wilson addressed the media.

“My nuncle, JetBlue Wilson, has deemed me to be the starter over the other two trite quarterbacks on the roster,” Wilson said. “Hark, here comes uncle dearest now.”

JetBlue Wilson joined his nephew at the podium.

“Hello, tis I, JetBlue Wilson,” JetBlue Wilson said. “If my beloved nephew is not named the starting quarterback of this athletic football franchise in a fortnight, I shall short all investments of the coaching staff until they are living in squalor. Now, come, beloved nephew, for we must embark on a quick aerial adventure to the Maldives.”
Washington Blueskins: Name Change
The Washington Football Team finally has a real name. They will be called the Washington Blueskins.

“I am really hopeful that everyone approves of this name,” owner Daniel Snyder said. “It took lots of thought and money, but I think we finally got it right.”

If you’re wondering what Blueskins references, Snyder made that very clear.

“I am trying my best to appease the blue checkmarks on Twitter,” Snyder said. “These people are so important because they have a blue checkmark next to their name, so I hope this tribute to them keeps them from calling me racist and sexist.”

This move, however, had the opposite effect.

“Daniel Snyder is such a bigot,” said a blue checkmark journalist who thinks his job is extremely important. “Doesn’t he realize that Blueskins is very offensive? The blue-skin people in Avatar were very oppressed, and now Snyder is belittling them by using an offensive slur.”

We polled the people in Avatar, and 90 percent of them liked the name. Nevertheless, Snyder was heavily criticized by all the blue checkmarks.

“Daniel Snyder is basically Adolf H-,” said a blue checkmark wearing hipster glasses to make himself look smart. “By using the term Blueskins, he is the ultimate racist bigot. He is also a sexist, transphobe and homophobe. He must be canceled.”

Snyder was permanently banned from Twitter hours later.

Chicago Bears: Newman, QB, Wake Forest
Wow. We’re shocked. The Bears haven’t had a black quarterback since Jason Campbell, as Roddy White referenced when criticizing the franchise for failing to meet with Deshaun Watson ahead of the 2017 NFL Draft.

So, what makes Jamie Newman so special? Ryan Pace revealed everything to the press.

“Jamie Newman, who is that?” Pace asked. “No, this is not Jamie Newman. This is Newman. The post office worker from Seinfeld. The guy was a hoot!”

One reporter asked Pace why he didn’t just draft Jamie Newman if he wanted a quarterback so badly.

“I’m not even aware of this Jamie Newman character you speak of,” Pace said. “This reminds me of the 2017 draft when everyone in the media was asking me to meet with Deshaun Wilkins and Patrick Marones. Never heard of ’em. But Mitchell Trubisky was an incredible prospect. We even traded up for him, which seemed like a great move at the time. Mitchell didn’t play as well as we thought he would, but he was still the best quarterback in that class, so you can’t really criticize me.”
Indianapolis Colts: Jamie Newman, QB, Wake Forest
The Bears weren’t going to draft Jamie Newman – they allegedly never even heard of him – but that didn’t stop the Colts from pulling the trigger.

But what about Carson Wentz? Why would the Colts use their first-round pick on a quarterback after trading for Wentz?

“Look, I learned from Doug Pederson and Howie Roseman, so I’m just following their lead,” Frank Reich said, defending himself. “The Eagles had Carson on their roster, and they used an early pick on a quarterback. This must be the right strategy, so I’m taking my own Jalen Hurts here.”

So, will Newman displace Wentz at some point in 2021?

“Well, I’m not sure,” Reich said. “Remember, we also have Jacob Eason on the roster, so we should probably take a look at him.”

Tennessee Titans: Ali Fayad, DE/OLB, Western Michigan
The Titans have no pass rush. Their goal was to improve that this offseason. Hence, the first-round selection on an edge rusher.

But why not Jaelen Phillips or Gregory Rousseau? Mike Vrabel explained.

“We spent top dollar on talented edge rushers last year, and we didn’t get a single sack out of them,” Vrabel said. “So, we went with the opposite approach this year. We’re going to add the worst players possible at the position, so if the pattern holds up, we’ll get them to be double-digit sack artists.

“We found this Alvin Fayad guy at the bottom of WalterFootball.com’s edge rusher rankings,” Vrabel continued. “WalterFootball wrote that this Alvin Frayad guy has size limitations, so we’re expecting 15 sacks out of him.”
Chicago Bears: Brevin Jordan, TE, Miami
The Bears have traded up! Did they find some offensive line or receiving help for their new postal office quarterback? Unfortunately, no.

“We really needed a tight end, so I just had to make the move,” Ryan Pace said.

The Bears have surrendered six first-round picks to move back into the opening round to select Brevin Jordan.

“Tight ends are super important, so this was a small price to pay for one,” Pace said. “Fortunately, we still have our third-round pick. We might look at a tight end there, too.”

Pittsburgh Steelers: Booger McFarland Jr., RB, LSU
For the second year in a row, the Steelers have taken a McFarland Jr. We didn’t think the two selections were related, but we turned out to be dead wrong.

“We thought Anthony McFarland Jr. was Booger McFarland’s son, but we guessed wrong,” head coach Mike Tomlin lamented. “Now, we gotta make amends for our mistake.”

We’re not sure why it’s so important for the Steelers to have Booger McFarland’s son on their roster, but they finally got their man.
Jacksonville Jaguars: None
It seemed as though Patrick Surtain Jr. would be the newest member of Jacksonville’s defense. He was the pick at No. 25, at least initially.

“The boy didn’t make the cut,” new strength and conditioning coach John Kreese said, coldly.

Per reports, Kreese made Surtain fall in line and then handed him a pet mouse. Surtain instantly named it “Master Splinter,” which was very creative. Kreese just chuckled and revealed his pet cobra.

“Time for lunch,” Kreese said, indicating that Surtain had to feed Master Splinter to the serpent. Surtain hesitated, and even peed his pants a bit.

“You’re off the team, son,” Kreese said, motioning Surtain toward the door.

It’s unclear which team Surtain will join – we hear Eagle Fang is interested – but he most certainly will not be playing for the Jaguars despite being their first-round pick.

Cleveland Browns: Stadium Keys
When Browns general manager Andrew Berry said he wanted to help Baker Mayfield in the NFL Draft, he wasn’t kidding.

“I watched a live video of Baker being locked out of the stadium after fetching some groceries,” Berry revealed. “He was locked out of the stadium, and it was cold. Do you know he could have died of frostbite? What if he hurt his hand trying to open the gate? In either scenario, our season would be ruined!”

Some members of the media tried to inform Berry that this was just a Progressive commercial. Berry wasn’t having it.

“I don’t understand!” Berry bellowed. “I saw the documentary live on TV, so it must be real! Baker must have his stadium keys!”
Baltimore Ravens: Jack Dorsey, CEO, Twitter
Lamar Jackson has been heavily criticized for not being able to advance his team past the second round of the playoffs despite having the support of a great offensive line in 2019 and an outstanding defense in 2020. This has upset many in the mainstream sports media.

“Thufferin Thuccotash, it’th like everybody in the world is rathist againth Lamar Jackthon!” whined Max Kellerman.

The Ravens agreed, so they used this pick on Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter. Dorsey will shield Jackson from all criticism.

“Here on Twitter, we believe in free speech,” said Dorsey, who looked particularly homeless at the time. “So, with that in mind, I am announcing we will ban all speech that is negative toward Lamar Jackson. We will not stand for any racism.”

Hundreds of thousands of accounts were instantly purged. Even little Timmy, an 8-year-old who joined Twitter days ago, was banned for saying that he accidentally spilled mustard on his Jackson jersey.

“We understand the frustration behind the bannings,” said Dorsey, who now had a nose ring in his anus. “We all must understand though that Twitter is a place for all opinions to be heard, as long as those opinions align with our core beliefs.”

New Orleans Saints: Golden Watch
When Drew Brees took in the sight of the Superdome and then spent time on the field with his family after the game, it was apparent that he would be retiring. In fact, the Saints used this pick on a golden watch for their long-time quarterback.

“Guys, I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not necessary,” Brees told the coaching staff in a taped conversation. “It’s not necessary because I’ll be returning next year!”

“Now, Drew, don’t make any hasty decisions,” Sean Payton countered. “This watch is great. Enjoy your retirement.”

“No thanks,” Brees replied. “I want to play.”

“Just take the damn watch, Drew!” Payton barked. “We’re $50 million over the cap! If you return, we’ll have to cut half the roster!”

“Well, at least it’s not three-quarters of the roster, right?” Brees answered. “You can take this golden watch and shove it up your arse. I’m returning, and you can’t tell me otherwise!”
Green Bay Packers: Devonta Smith, WR, Alabama
Hey, look, the Packers have drafted a talented receiver to help Aaron Rodgers!

April Fools!
Buffalo Bills: Elderly for Andrew Cuomo
Bills fans were able to watch their team enjoy its best season in more than two decades. Unfortunately, they did so from home because the so-called pandemic prevented them from attending games. This changed in the playoffs when governor Andrew Cuomo allowed 8,000 fans to go to the game, only because he wanted to attend the event himself.

“The thing you have to understand is, the Coronavirus is very serious, and you can’t be around other people in the pandemic,” Cuomo said, clutching his Emmy. “But a playoff game I can attend, that’s OK. The thing you have to understand is, a playoff game I can attend is safe. It’s safe because I can attend.” However, 8,000 fans weren’t nearly enough. All Buffalo supporters wanted to attend.

Bills Mafia hatched a plan. To convince Cuomo to open the entire stadium, they decided to raid nursing homes and offer some elderly people as sacrificial lambs. Cuomo then offered to open the entire stadium in exchange for being able to kill the elderly offerings.

“The thing you have to understand is, old people are extremely old, and so they’re going to die soon anyway, and that’s the thing you have to understand,” Cuomo continued to talk in circles. “The thing you have to understand is, these old people need mercy. And I am that mercy. People say I’m the angel of death for the elderly incident in the nursing homes, but the thing you have to understand is, angels are good, so if people want to call me an angel, that’s a good thing, which is something you have to understand.”
Kansas City Chiefs: Tom Brady Effigy
Patrick Mahomes is a nice guy off the field, but he’s an assassin while playing football. He holds grudges like Michael Jordan. We’ve seen that in his recent encounters against Lamar Jackson and Mitchell Trubisky, whom the Bears drafted instead of him.

As you might imagine, Mahomes is extra pissed about being blown out in the Super Bowl. He’s working harder than ever to avenge the loss, but putting forth 110 percent isn’t enough.

“I have an effigy of Tom Brady in my house,” Mahomes revealed. “I want to pay tribute to the GOAT.”

Except, that’s not what’s really happening. We overheard Mahomes’ private phone call with a close friend.”

“Tribute! Ha! It’s more like a voodoo doll. I’m going to insert pins into it every Sunday morning. Watch, Thomas Brady is going to go 0-16 this year because of my dark magic!”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
Tom Brady just won his seventh Super Bowl; his first with the Buccaneers. Despite this, Tampa Bay is going back to Jameis Winston. Why would they do that?

“The people on ESPN, whom I take very seriously, said that Tom Brady won the Super Bowl because of his white privilege,” Bruce Arians said. “We will not stand for this. We have the most diverse assistant coaching staff in the NFL even though they’re all the same color. We cannot win because of white privilege. What ESPN says is gospel, so something must be done.”

The Buccaneers, as a result, cut Brady and Blaine Gabbert. They replaced them with Jameis Winston, JaMarcus Russell and Michael Vick.

“We now have the most diverse quarterback room in the NFL,” Arians said proudly. “Now, when we win the Super Bowl with these three great quarterbacks, it won’t be because of white privilege.”