2014 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft

Last update: Friday, April 11, 2014. Major changes in all 1 rounds.

This is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2014 NFL Mock Draft or 2015 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.

Houston Texans: Johnny Manziel, RB, Texas A&M
(By Ron Jaworski, ESPN Analyst)

I’m Ron Jaworski, and I was asked to break down the tape of Johnny Manziel as he translates to the National Football League. I spent the past 720 hours breaking down the tape, and I see an erratic quarterback who is too inconsistent. A quarterback who throws too many interceptions. A quarterback who takes too many hits. A quarterback whose mechanics are flawed. A quarterback who doesn’t have the arm strength. When I look at Johnny Manziel, I don’t see a top-100 player in the National Football League Draft. Now, let’s watch his Pro Day…

*** Watches Pro Day ***

WOOOWWWWWW! Look at Johnny Manziel spin the football! What a great player! He’s a quarterback who is a very consistent quarterback! A quarterback who doesn’t throw any interceptions! A quarterback who is a big guy who doesn’t take a lot of hits! A quarterback who has perfect mechanics! A quarterback who has great arm strength! Johnny Manziel is going to be a star in the National Football League, and I would take him with the No. 1 pick in the National Football League Draft!
Washington Redskins: Lecture
(By Bob Costas, Douche)

Hi, I’m Bob Costas, and I’d like to have a minute of your time to talk about sports. Let’s discuss the Redskins’ team name because that has a lot to do with sports. The Redskins’ team name is evil. All Native Americans hate it. I know this because I’m a Native American. I’m 183-percent Native American, in fact, so I have supreme authority to speak on this. Hold on, my eye is itchy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Redskins’ team name must be changed. I am 183-percent Native American, and my Native American name is Chief Gives Lectures on TV. But I’m not asking for the team name to be changed because I’m 183-percent Native American. On the contrary. This impacts other people’s lives. Imagine if a team name hurt you, evil white people. What if the Redskins were called the Washington Crackers? How would you feel about that? You wouldn’t like that, huh? That’s because… oh boy, my eyes are getting worse.

Where was I? Oh yeah, you would feel hurt inside about the Washington Crackers. Your entire life would be ruined. Now, imagine how Native Americans feel. We are such beautiful, oppressed people, who need to feel good about ourselves because the evil white man has destroyed our spirit. I learned this from my friend, Chief Spirit Was Destroyed by Washington’s Football Team Name. He cries every morning because of the Redskins’ team name, but you don’t care, do you, evil white man? You only care about owning guns and leaving the lights on in your house and not paying taxes. But that’s why I am better than all of you. I am Bob Costas, and… oh god, MY EYES! MY EYES HURT SO MUCH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IITTTT STOOOPPPPP AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(And now everyone is happy, including Chief Spirit Was Destroyed by Washington’s Football Team Name).
Jacksonville Jaguars: Aaron Donald , DT , Pittsburgh
(By David Caldwell, Jaguars’ General Manager)

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Everyone is criticizing me for using a Pro Football Focus article last April when I drafted Luke Joeckel. The article said Blaine Gabbert would be better with improved protection on the right side. I listened, and it worked out. I got a sixth-round pick for Gabbert. Steal!

I’m going back to the well again. Take a look at this article by Pro Football Focus. They say Aaron Donald is the best player in the draft because he has a green number that’s the highest. (Pro Tip: The red numbers are bad.)

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m going to take some guys named Clowney or Bortles or Macks. I don’t know any of these players. None of these guys are on this list. Are they even real players? I don’t know, but what I do know is that Aaron Donald is the best!
Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
(By George Zimmerman, Polarizing Figure)

I don’t care if Johnny Manziel was already drafted. You can’t tell me what to do. I want to take him, so I will take him. Why, you ask? Because he’s not black, obviously. Look at the color of Manziel’s skin. It’s white. That means he can be trusted. So, if he’s walking around the neighborhood and I don’t recognize him, it’s OK. He can be trusted. In fact, I would be comfortable giving him the security code to my house. That’s how much I trust Johnny Football even though I haven’t met him.

Now, there’s another quarterback in this draft I need to address. His name is Teddy Bridgewater. What a scumbag. I’ve never met him either, but I don’t trust him. He probably has a brick in his hand, which he’s going to use to kill… uh oh, a man with dark skin is approaching me! TIME TO DIE, SCUM!!!
Oakland Raiders: None
(By Mark Davis, Raiders’ Owner)

Reggie McKenzie tried to draft Khalil Mack. I canceled the pick! Reggie tried to draft Sammy Watkins. I canceled the pick! Reggie tried to draft Blake Bortles. I canceled the pick! HAHAHAHA HEHEHEHE HAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE HAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE!!!!!

IT’S TIMMEEEE FOOOORRR MYYY THEEEEMEMEMEEEE SOOOONNGGGGGG!!!

Good Morning, Captain.
Won’t you come on out and play?
Wake up the sunshine and share this friendly day.
Good Morning, Captain,
It’s A smiling song we sing.
‘Cause we’re happy to see you,
and the good times that you bring.
Hey, good morning, hello, how do you do?
Good Morning, Captain,
Good Morning, Captain,
Good Morning,
Wake up the sunshine
and share this friendly day!!!
Atlanta Falcons: Jadeveon Clowney , DE , South Carolina
(By Jason Whitlock, ESPN Pundit)

When I was ruining Pardon the Interruption one afternoon in August, I said that Jadeveon Clowney was a lock for the Heisman. It turns out that Jadeveon did not win the Heisman, but it doesn’t mean that I was wrong. What happened is clear: Jadeveon did not win the Heisman because he’s an African American.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, Jason is talking about race again.” I’m not talking about race. This has nothing to do with race. But the fact remains that Jadeveon was robbed of a Heisman because he’s an African American.

Now, I know what else you’re thinking. “Jason, you’re not taking into account Jadeveon’s disappointing year.” I am taking that into account. Jadeveon did not post the stats we expected. But that’s because Steve Spurrier, a white man, was keeping an African American player down. Now, I’m not saying Spurrier is racist at all. This has nothing to do with race. But it’s hard to ignore the fact that a white coach prevented an African American player from winning the Heisman.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Not Sammy Watkins , WR , Clemson But Maybe Later
(By Ted Mosby, Douche)

Kids, let me tell you about the player the Buccaneers picked. Tampa’s GM met Sammy Watkins a bar one night. His creepy best friend said, “Haaaave you met Saaammy?” And they hit it off. They ate dinner together one night. Then Tampa’s GM stole a blue French horn and professed his love to Watkins. No homo. By “his love,” I mean his love for Watkins’ 40 time, vertical jump and arm length.

And that, kids, that’s how the Buccaneers met uncle Sammy; the prospect’s friend.

Now, let me tell you nine more years’ worth of stories about other prospects the Buccaneers looked at before settling for “the one.” There was Mike Evans, but he was a slut. There was Jake Matthews, but he left the Bucs at the altar. There was Teddy Bridgewater, but he was a cross dresser. And let’s not forget about Blah Blah… I forget Blah Blah’s name.

But the Buccaneers ultimately found “the one.” The right prospect for them. But they ended up going with Uncle Sammy anyway.
Minnesota Vikings: Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford
(By Walter Cherepinsky, Fat Web Site Owner)

ATTENTION!!! ADRIAN PETERSON’S THIRD NEPHEW-IN-LAW HAS EBOLA! EVERYONE PICK UP TOBY GERHART IN YOUR FANTASY LEAGUES EVEN THOUGH GERHART IS NO LONGER ON THE VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buffalo Bills: Nom Nom Cake
(By Mike Williams, New Receiver)

Hi Buffalo! I’m Mike Williams. I used to play for Tampa, but now I’m back in my hometown to be your new No. 2 receiver. I’m going to try really hard, starting with this pick. I’m going to do so much research to determine who we’re going to pick. My early prediction is… hold on, someone’s ringing my doorbell.

Hey Mike Williams, it’s Mike Williams, former receiver for the Lions. I see that you’re trying hard. See, here’s the thing. To hold up your legacy as a Mike Williams in the NFL, you have to slack off as much as possible, especially if you have a ton of years left on your contract.

Really? People have criticized me for it, but I want to try hard. I have a new team! Wait, someone else is here.

HI I MIKE WILLIAMS, FORMER TACKLE FOR THE BILLS. I BRING YOU CHOCOLATE NOM NOM CAKE! YOU EAT ALL BY YOURSELFS.

Hey Mike, sorry, but I’m on a strict diet.

Mike, you must eat this chocolate cake to uphold your duty as an NFL Mike Williams.

YOU EAT CHOCOLATE NOM NOM CAKE.

Well, I guess one piece wouldn’t hurt…

*** Five hours and 50 pieces of cake later… ***

WAS GOOD NOM NOM CAKE?

I’m… too… fat… to… move…

Good. So I assume you won’t be doing any work?

Yeah. I’m not moving. Unless it’s to get more chocolate nom nom cake. Thanks, Mike and Mike, for showing the Mike Williams way.
Detroit Lions: Jake Matthews , OT , Texas A&M
(By Matt Millen, former general manager)

I requested to have a spot in this celebrity mock draft, and I’d like to use this opportunity to address an ugly rumor about myself. It’s been speculated that I’m a flaming homosexual. Some point out my homophobia when I called Johnnie Morton a “faggot” back when I was GM. Some look at my “kielbasa” comments I made to Ron Jaworski on air during one of the drafts. Some say that my references to players being “100-percent USDA Man” or “young stallions I like to ride all night long” are signs that I am a flaming homosexual.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a flaming homosexual. I’m as straight as can be. In fact, I would say that I’m a flaming heterosexual.

And just because I like to invite 100-percent USDA Men to my hotel room to play with my kielbasas at night doesn’t make me a flaming homosexual. When I ride these young stallions all night long, I’m not being a flaming homosexual. And when I rammed my finest kielbasa in Jake Matthews’ backside last night, I was neither being flaming nor a homosexual. In fact, you’re the flaming homosexual for suggesting this.
Tennessee Titans: Christian Jones , ILB / OLB , Florida State
(By Vladimir Putin, Russian President)

I no understand vhy everybody hating me. I make such beautiful Olympic game in Sochi. Everybody liking. OK, maybe vee have two toilet in stall, iz not good. Maybe nobody like brown vater from sink. OK, maybe not good. But Olympic very nice in Sochi. I make great town. Iz good, I spend lots of money and everybody have fun party. OK, iz time for me to make a picture vizzout shirt.

Ah yes, very sexy. OK, I need making deal vis America. America no good var vis me for invading ozzer country in Ookaraine if I make great resort in America like I make Sochi. I read about zis city Tennessee. Zey have music but no ozzer reason go zere. I spend lots of money making Tennessee fun party city. Everybody go. Maybe zey gonna have sree toilet in stall. No good, but maybe vill be OK. I try make vater not brown no can promise not be yellow. Vill be OK. Everybody have party. Time for new picture vis no shirt.

Ah yes, who can resist zis sexy sexy man? How you say in America? Hubba hubba. Yes, so vee have deal. Tennessee going become party city and I kill many people in Ookraine. Sound like great deal to me!
New York Giants: Alex Rodriguez, SS, Yankees
(By Alex Rodriguez, Baseball Player)

Why was I summoned here? You think you have something on me? You accusing me of doing steroids like the other guys? Well, I clearly didn’t do anything, and if you have hard evidence, you’ll be sorry, just like that other guy who accused me. Notice how he just happened to disappear? Well, that’ll happen to you too. Not that I had anything to do with it. Nope, purely coincidence. Just like it’ll be a coincidence when you completely vanish if you happen to have evidence that I did steroids, because I most certainly did not!

Wait, what are you saying? You just want me to make a draft pick for a New York team? Why didn’t you just say so! I choose Alex Rodriguez. That happens to be me, but it’s an obvious choice because I’m an incredible human being who never did steroids.
Washington Redskins: DeSean Jackson, WR, California
(By DeSean Jackson, Receiver)

I’d like to settle this once and for all: I am not a member of any gang, including the Crips, as that horrible NJ.com article insinuated.

I am not a member of the Crips, even though I flashed their sign as that scoundrel, DeAngelo Hall, who is now my teammate.

I am not a member of the Crips, even though I know many people in that particular gang.

I am not a member of the Crips, even though my eyes were shifting left constantly during my interview with Stephen A. Smith, which is a sign of someone being untruthful.

I am not a member of the Crips because I wore glasses, a vest and a pretty maroon tie in that interview with Stephen A. Smith.

I am not a member of the Crips, even though I’m well aware of what they do at their daily meetings, which is rub each other’s nipples while watching videos of Justin Bieber.

If I were a member of the Crips, how would I know that?

I am not a member of the Crips. I am a great teammate, as shown here:

I am a great teammate because I am willing to sacrifice being in the offensive team photo to hold up my jersey.

I am not a member of the Crips, and I am a great teammate.
Chicago Bears: Error
(By Barack Obama, President)
Pittsburgh Steelers: Tony Gonzalez, TE, California
(By Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason, former/current CBS analysts)

Dan Marino: Time to practice my CBS analysis. Both teams are good. Both teams played hard. Both coaches are smart. Wait, what’s this termination letter?

Boomer Esiason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, happy day! This is a great day because Dan Marino is finally gone! Yeeeehaaaaawww!

Dan Marino: I am neither happy nor sad that I was fired because I don’t have emotions.

Boomer Esiason: You’re sad. Admit it. And start crying so I can lick the tears from your eyes!

Dan Marino: Tears? How does one make tears?

Boomer Esiason: Oh, suck it, Dan! You’re trash, and you’re finally gone!

Shannon Sharpe: g4h8wg8h w48whg hro gheriog horieh ea niotehn eiornaeonr banana aionr; hneto;h ndfn oerh eri goierno irdn gietno.

Boomer Esiason: Good riddance to you too, Shannon. No one understood what you were saying half the time. We just nodded our heads and pretended that we were agreeing with you.

Shannon Sharpe: way8 aw4hg whr oaiwrg uwriog heroh pudding otenh ehsl gjent jdfklgdrbu4 gergnthnerjgnereo rt hrth.

Boomer Esiason: What do you mean I’m a bad person? Who are you to be the judge of that? You were just fired, which means you’re worthless trash – but not as worthless as Dan Marino here. Ha! Cry for me, Dan. Please?

Dan Marino: But how can one cry when he does not know how to?

Boomer Esiason: F*** you, Dan. Rot in hell!
Dallas Cowboys: Emmitt Smith V, RB, Florida
(By Emmitt Smith, Hall of Fame Running Back)

The guy who run on WalterFootball.com Web sight – I forget his name – ask me to make a preview for my Emmitt Mark Draft which wil be release soon.

Is there any doubt who the Cowboy will picking? My son, my fruit of my loom, Emmitt Smith V Jr. the III will be the pick. I keep markin’ my boy to the Cowboy every year, but Jerry Johnson keep ignoring myselves. That is why the Cowboy always finish 8-8, which is 500 records. And 500 is a lot of number!

Some of you might be wonderin’ why my son have a name change. I been wonderin’ this myselves. My son use to be call Emmitt Smith IV Jr. but he hit puberty and now become a man, so inconventional wisdom say that the number in his name have to go up. And from what I learn in math class in the University of Florida State College, the number five come after number four. And then six. This remind me of a joke, in fact. Why six afraid of seven? Because seven eat nine for breakfast.

Stay tune for my Emmitt Mark Draft. It is going to be the best one yet of all time.

Go to 2014 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I’ve received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.