2015 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft

Last update: Friday, April 10, 2015. Major changes in all 1 rounds.

This is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2015 NFL Mock Draft or 2016 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
(By Mel Kiper and Todd McShay, ESPN Analysts)

Todd McShay: Mel, I have to say that this is a big day for us. We’ve been on TV, we’ve made lots of money, and many call us experts. But nothing can top this. We’re leading off the Celebrity Mock Draft together this year for the first time ever! I decided to celebrate last night, so I went out with Georgio from the tanning salon to Bertucci’s, and we had a great time.

Mel Kiper: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Gerogio is 6-4, 280 pounds, runs a 4.84 40, can certainly play both the 4-3 and the 3-4, fits as a left defensive end in the 4-3, or a five-technique in the 3-4, brings a great pass-rush, but also pretty strong against the run, his tackling ability is a little suspect, which could affect his sack total, but is an all-around great defensive player, he has John Elway-like upside, a little raw, but give him two or three years and he’ll be a star, or at least a strong starter for your defense, and he should make your defensive line better, which in turn will help the pass defense because the secondary won’t have to cover as long, he’s a great locker-room leader, has some trouble off the field, which could hurt his draft stock, but is great for overall team morale, happens to be a very smart football player, scored a 12 on the Wonderlic, but the Wonderlic isn’t indicative of football smarts, he would probably get a 160 on an IQ test, I have nothing to base that off of, I’m just speculating here, oh, and my vision has been obstructed because my glasses have fogged up, but it doesn’t matter so I’ll just keep talking, Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! I got my hair done today, it’s not going to move at all in the next five weeks, it makes me look like a vampire, but that’s fine because that’s what I’ve been going for, my favorite monster is Dracula, Dracula coming out of Transylvania State, 6-4, 210 pounds, seems like a great asset to have on defense, can also play offense because he can fly over defenders and score a touchdown every time he has the ball, doesn’t have great elusive ability, doesn’t have great hands, but can catch passes out of the back-

Todd McShay: Mel, not to interrupt your great analysis, but I have breaking news! Actually, two pieces of breaking news! The first is that the Buccaneers will pick Johnny Manziel. This is not the same source who told me last year that the Cowboys will picking Johnny Manziel. That was Felipe from the tanning salon, so I’ve learned not to listen to him. This source is reliable, trust me.

Mel Kiper: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd McShay, 6-1, 190 pounds, has blond hair, not as great as mine though, tries to interrupt me a lot, has a great sun tan, but doesn’t tan in the sun, so how is his skin so tan, and why would he want his skin so tan when he can look like a vampire like me, maybe he’s a day-walker, maybe he has a stake that he wants to jam through my heart right now, said he has two pieces of breaking news, but I only heard one, so are there really two pieces of breaking news, that much is unclear, but-

Todd McShay: The second is that there is a portal to an evil dimension opening up! Wait, who are these gentlemen who look exactly like us…?
Tennessee Titans: Greg Hardy, DE, Ole Miss
(By Evil Mel Kiper and Evil Todd McShay, ESPN Evil Analysts)

Evil Todd McShay: Now that we’ve disposed of those two fools, let’s make our pick for the Titans, Evil Mel! Enrique from the Evil Tanning Salon has breaking news, but I will let you go first because first is the worst.

Evil Mel Kiper: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! I will transform into a vampire bat in this nice universe, I will suck the blood from a dozen virgin maidens tonight, including Maisie Williams, plays Arya Stark on Game of Thrones, 5-1, 100 pounds, can play nose tackle in the 4-3, not strong against the run, can’t really do anything on the football field, so I will be recommending that every NFL team plays her there, some offensive linemen will stampede over her, trample her to bits, she won’t be able to act anymore, they’ll cancel Game of Thrones, George R.R. Martin, 6-1, 400 pounds, will be kidnapped, I’ll tie him up to a chair, force him to finish the sixth and seventh books, I’ll read the books myself, then burn them so no one else reads the books, everyone will be miserable, I’ll celebrating by feasting on more fair maidens, more people will be unhappy, soon everyone will-

Evil Todd McShay: Evil Mel, I’m not sorry to interrupt, but I am getting a text on my evil cell phone. It’s from Enrique. He says the Titans will draft Greg Hardy. He says the Titans are jealous that the Cowboys have a star player who can beat up women in Dallas, so the Titans are willing to steal him so he can threaten women in Nashville.

Evil Mel Kiper: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! To-

Evil Todd McShay: Silence, Evil Mel! Silence forever, as you take this stake through the heart!

Evil Mel Kiper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, TODD! TODD! TODD! TO… T… UHH…

Evil Todd McShay: Because my bros from the Evil Tanning Salon and I will be the only ones to read the sixth and seventh Game of Thrones books! Muhahahaha!
Jacksonville Jaguars: Randy Gregory, DE/OLB, Nebraska
(By Evil Mike Mayock, NFL Network)

Here’s the deal with Randy Gregory, Rich, Randy Gregory, 6-foot-5, 230 pounds, lost weight before the Combine because he was smoking weed, weed that I sold him, cheated him out a couple hundred bucks because I offer the kids in my neighborhood the same quantity for much less, then I leaked the report about his weed to teams so that he’d have to confess on NFL.com, now he’s going to suffer more, as for the draft, Gregory has long arms, arms like vines that you could strangle someone to death with, if I had arms like that, I’d choke all those who owe me money for the marijuana I’ve sold, Gregory is also faster than quick, my regular counterpart says quicker than fast, but in the evil dimension, faster than quick is more prevalent, Gregory also happens to be a heavy-legged waist bender, which is good for digging holes to bury bodies or stolen treasure, get him in a phone booth and he’ll thrive unless there’s a bomb inside the phone booth, I’ve planted many bombs in phone booths throughout my life, it’s fun to see people blow up all the time, Gregory is going to be excellent against offensive linemen who are dancing bears, unless they are actual dancing bears that can maul people to death, I have eight dancing bears as pets living in my front lawn, they murder all intruders, particularly boy scouts who want to sell me cookies, I hate boy scouts because I asked for chocolate chip once and they sold me oatmeal raisin, so I fed the kid to the dancing bears, then I had a heavy-legged waist bender bury him in the ground, what was I saying, I’m getting off track here, Rich, hey Rich, check out that phone booth, make sure to go inside, I swear there’s no bomb in there, yeah, you go, it’ll help you with your 40 time, I’ll just keep talking Randy Gregory and how much weed he smoked, and if you don’t like it I’ll strange you all with my arms that are long like vines.
Oakland Raiders: Unknown
(By Jack Del Rio, Raiders Head Coach)

When Mark Davis called me in for an interview, I was totally like, OK bro, but only after I catch some waves at the beach. So I caught some rays and hit on some babes and then made my way to the stadium. This dude met me and he had totally tubular hair. Like whoa, he looked like the Captain Kangaroo guy. He sits me down for the interview and he asks me like just one question, “What do you think of my hair brah?” I was like, “Dude, I’m like totally jealous of your hair, man,” and then he smiled and said, “You’re hired, brah” and I was like, “That’s totally cool bro because Oakland’s like near the beach and stuff.” As for this pick, I dunno man, the draft’s not really for me so I’m just gonna let that Reggie guy handle his business and I’m gonna go on summer vacation until like October when the football games start. Party on, bros.
Washington Redskins: Brandon Scherff, OT/G, Iowa
(By Brian Williams, Yet Another NBC Fraud)

I enjoyed a fantastic career in the NFL. I played for the Redskins back when they had Joe Theismann, John Riggins, Art Monk, Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders. It was great. They were all friends with me and asked to come over my house every night. We had the time of our lives – until one game when an alien spaceship landed on the football field. An alien stepped out and said, “You Washington Redskins must be destroyed, especially you, Brian Williams.” I wasn’t having any of that, so I grabbed a machine gun and shot the alien. He was immune to the bullet, however, and he used his ray gun. I ducked out of the way, but he blew up Theismann. Goodbye, Joe. I then grabbed a stick of dynamite and tossed it into the alien spaceship. KABOOM! It was gone, just like that. Oh, you don’t remember this happening? It did, I swear. I just used a memory eraser afterward, so no one remembers how I saved the planet. I then built a machine that looks like Joe Theismann. That’s why Theismann always says the same thing over and over again, like he talked to so and so before the game. He was poorly programmed, I must admit, but I am no miracle worker. I am Brian Williams, and I am the greatest human being ever.
New York Jets: Jahlil Okafor, QB, Duke
(By James Dolan, Knicks’ Owner)

Heloof thisif is jaems dollasn owner of fthe Newu Yrork kNicicks knicksorboxeers lol. Uhghg what idma I doigng there? Watlerfotball comg akedd met o post a pcike on the celebti myc kdraft and i wma like whoao wam I celebeity lol. Whatsd iyou dyayo to me??!?! im am not an alcholehick yoeur an alehclock budddy giut it sstraightt next irme you dicoaccumse me of fmsoemthing okd??? Anywa where was I? The new urek knicks are gofing to be pick Jaalijl Okhaof r the quaisrterback fromt he Duke. Jalil good player i wiatche him a coculel g tgimes he good. When need toog passignf and okafor make fgood passerdnf. Adgter okafro makeybe we draft a eunning back liek adriane pterson hes godurn funning bck from the minnsot aivkigns. mienstoa vikings are not ons banba what ae you tlaknig about wheof you knws heom youwe are draifng tooo> I mnmyf name di James Dolan grmuther fufcickerts get yoosur ahsijtt striaght yieu hearddf/???
Chicago Bears: None
(By Barack Obama, U.S. President)

Barack Obama was asked to show up to this important event, but he declined, opting to play golf, make NCAA Tournament picks and bankrupt the country instead.
Atlanta Falcons: Jimmy Crausen, QB, Notre Dame
(By Kim Jong-un, Asian Man with No Friends)

I read WarterFootbarr.com for rong time! Why he arways make a fun of me!? He arways say I have awfur haircut and I have no girrfriend! My haircut great rike a Mark Davis haircut! And I have prenty of girrfriend! I have so many girr I tark to! I ask one girr out to pray mini-gorf but she no can go out because she have to brow dry her hair! Then I ask maybe we can pray a mini-gorf next weekend and she no say anything, onry hang up terephone! That mean she maybe say yes to pray mini-gorf because she no say a no! WarterFootbarr.com guy with no girrfriend! No girr want pray mini-gorf with Warter!

I sick and tire and everyone make a fun of me! That’s it, I make a terrorist attack on arr people! I start with WarterFootbarr.com! He be a first victim of my terrorist attacks! I start by ruining his precious cerebrity mock draft! I mock Jimmy Crausen to Atranta Farcon! Crausen not even erigibre to go in mock draft! He arready in NFR! But WarterFootbarr.com say Crausen best quarterback to join nationar footbarr reague! Ha! I hope WarterFootbarr.com enjoy this terrorist attack! Now if you excuse me, I make carr on terephone to another girr! I ask her to go a bowring with me, I hope she say a yes because rast time she say she have to bake remon cake arr weekend!
New York Giants: Randy Gregory, DE/OLB, Nebraska
(By Chris Christie, Not the Next U.S. President)

I’m making this pick for my beloved Giants because I love them so much, and not because Jerry Jones ordered me to infiltrate their front office and sabotage them from within. Nope, wouldn’t do that! That’s because I’m a proud New Jersey native, and as the governor of my great state, I wouldn’t do anything to offend the American people whose vote I need to be the next U.S. president. That would be stupid. And besides, it’s not like Jerry Jones offered me a hot dog, or something. Why would I do it for a hot dog? Hot dogs are stupid. Those tasty hot dogs, so juicy… so great with mustard, ketchup and Hershey’s chocolate syrup… I wish Jerry gave me more than one hot dog to do this, I mean, I wish I went to the supermarket and bought hot dogs. But why would I when Jerry bribes me with hot dogs to come watch the games with him, I mean I wish I would’ve gone to the supermarket to get hot dogs.

Anyway, I’m going to mock Randy Gregory, the pot-smoker, to the Giants. Can’t wait to get my hot dog, I mean, I can’t wait to see the Giants win!
St. Louis Rams: Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA
(By Donald Sterling, Racist Old Man)

The Rams are moving to Los Angeles, so they let me have a say in who the St. Louis Blues are going to take. The Blues need a quarterback. Sam Bradford is no good. He’s going to be competing with Nick Foles, who is no good neither. The Rams need something all Super Bowls winners have had: a great, white quarterback. Jameis Winslow is no good because he’s a black man. That Mario guy from Oregon is no good neither because he is also an African American. I’m looking on this list, and Brett Hundley sounds like a good player because he’s a white quarterback. Wait, what’s that? Hundley is also black like Winslow? Hundley f***ing sucks and ruined the Los Angeles team’s pick, god damn it! This is all the black man’s fault!
Minnesota Vikings: None
(By Adrian Peterson, Running Back)

People are very ignorant to my situation in Minnesota. They believe that I want to leave the Vikings because they didn’t stand behind me. I was disciplining my child, for crying out loud, and they didn’t even support me when crazy whack jobs on Twitter who believe they have the right to tell others how to raise children demanded that I be suspended indefinitely. While I was hurt that my team betrayed me, the real reason I want out of Minnesota is because of Jerick McKinnon.

Jerick is a terrific running back, but he’s more than that. He’s like a son to me. I’ve watched him grow up right before my very eyes, and now he’s become a- Jerick, what are you doing!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I TOLD YOU, THOSE COOKIES ARE FOR AFTER DINNER! THAT’S IT, BE PREPARED TO GET BLUDGEONED BY THIS HEAVY TREE BRANCH! WHACK! WHACK! TAKE THAT, JERICK! I LOVE YOU LIKE A SON, BUT YOU DESERVE THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFETIME! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHACK! WHACK! MUHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
(By Brian Windhorst, ESPN Reporter)

My name is Brian Windhorst, and I cover Cleveland sports for ESPN because I am LeBron James’ best friend in the whole entire world. I would never write anything bad about LeBron because he is my meal ticket. Quite literally – he pays me in hamburgers for every positive word I write about him. This past week, I collected 7,829 hamburgers, and I’m going for 8,000 this week. LeBron is great, so awesome, I love him, he’s the best ever, Kevin Love sucks, Kevin Love is the devil, LeBron is greater than Michael Jordan, no doubt about that, and his new Spirte drink is tasty, yum, yum.

Man, I worked up a sweat. Time to go in my basement to eat my fourth lunch of the day. Now, the question is, do I eat a live cow, or do I eat Johnny Manziel? You see, Manziel going to rehab was quite the ruse. We planted that nonsensical story – why would he go to rehab all of a sudden, lol? – just so no one would get suspicious that I captured him for a future meal. Now the time has come for him to enter my belly, where he will join others I have eaten, such as Larry David, Ashley from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the corpse of Evil Mel Kiper.
New Orleans Saints: Ray Rice, RB, Rutgers
(By Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner)

I’m glad WalterFootball let me have some space in his celebrity mock draft because I want to clear up my image. Many people are angry at me because of the Ray Rice video. They claim that I had seen the video and that I covered the whole thing up. This whole thing is poppycock.

First of all, I had not seen the video of Ray Rice hitting his girlfriend. I never even knew such a video existed. Second, I still haven’t seen the video. What even happened? Did Ray Rice really hit his girlfriend in an elevator after the two apparently had a squabble in the parking garage? How would I not be sure of that if I had seen it? And third, I don’t even know who Ray Rice is. I asked around the office, and all of the people I pay to tell me good things about myself never heard of him either.

After doing some extensive research, I’ve learned that Ray Rice is a running back from Rutgers who also played for the Ravens. Who would’ve thunk that? I’ll mock him to the Saints. Rice has not played well recently and looked like crap when I watched him a couple of years ago. I hate the Saints so much – notice how I screwed them on Bountygate and did nothing to the Patriots for Deflategate because I’m friends with Bob Kraft? – so I want New Orleans to have an awful player. Screw you, Drew Brees, for not signing an autograph for me when I asked you a couple of years ago. I told you that you would regret that decision. Now take this crappy Ray Rice player I’ve never heard of before.
Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
(By Anonymous Rotoworld Writer)
San Francisco 49ers: Anyone Who Thinks Trent Baalke is a Great Human Being
(By Trent Baalke, Incompetent GM)

I want to use this space to address all of the hatred I’ve been receiving over the past few months. People are blaming me for Jim Harbaugh leaving. People are saying that I screwed up the head-coaching search. People are claiming that I’ve made bad moves, such as overpaying for Reggie Bush and Torrey Smith. One thing has become clear: All of you are idiots. All of you.

Do you know how difficult it is to be me? I’m the greatest human being on the planet. Harbaugh and I couldn’t see eye to eye on that, so I intentionally sabotaged the 2014 season so that he would leave. Now, he’s gone. Mission accomplished. Adam Gase wanted this job, but I told him to keep on Jim Tomsula because Jim knows I’m a great human being. Adam said he didn’t want to keep Jim, so I told him to hit the road. Mission accomplished. I interviewed many players this offseason, but only a few – Reggie and Torrey – told me that they think I’m a great human being. So, I signed them both, as money was no object. Mission accomplished.

People are now saying that we will go 4-12. I say, who cares? As long as I surround myself with people who know how great I am, it doesn’t matter what our record is.
Houston Texans: New Rule
(By NCAA, Corrupt Rich Dudes)

Like our friend Trent Baalke, a great human being, we wanted to address some negativity directed toward us. People were enraged when we suspended Baylor running back Silas Nacita for receiving improper benefits. We say we didn’t go far enough. Silas is an evil human being who accepted housing and food when he was homeless. This is unacceptable. He was homeless, so he was not meant to have a home. He should have remained on the streets as long as he played in the NCAA. Accepting even one crumb of bread was enough to warrant a suspension.

Here at the NCAA, we’re always looking to strengthen our stranglehold on our slaves- I mean student athletes. Thus, we have instituted a brand-new rule that will take effect on Jan. 1, 2016. Beginning then, no sl- student athlete will be able to accept air that God has provided. Universities will provide their own air to the student athletes. All slaves will, erm, student athletes will be allotted five minutes of breathing time per day, and this air must come from that player’s university; not from God. God has been known to pay student athletes in oxygen and miracles, and we are seeking to discontinue our slaves’ relationship with him for the integrity of college sports.

Go to 2015 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I’ve received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.