draft2009celebrity

Last update: Thursday, April 9, 2009.

Like my April Fools 2009 NFL Mock Draft, this is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously. I put together 32 celebrities and had each of them make a pick (Matt McGuire did Picks 19 and 20). How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2009 NFL Mock Draft.

Detroit Lions: Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
(By William Clay Ford, Lions owner)

These foolish fans believe it was Millen who drafted all of these wide receivers ts-ts-ts-ts-ts. Little do they know it was I who drafted these wide receiverssssss. I shall draft Michael Crabtree and raise ticket prices, and continue to take as much money as possible from the citizens of the Motor City ts-ts-ts-ts-ts!
St. Louis Rams: Chris Crane, QB, Boston College
(By Mike Mayock, NFL Network draft analyst)

Chris Crane from Boston College, you hit all the bases with him, 6-5, 231 pounds soakin’ wet, 24 reps of two and a quarter, he’s a 4.85 40 guy, I graded him as a fifth-round prospect before the season, but when I found out he was from Boston College, he became the No. 1 quarterback on my board. He did so well at the Senior Bowl. Did so well at the Combine. I like him in the first round. Unbelievably talented, producton doesn’t match that. This is guy with vines for arms. He can play the 18-technique. I can go on forever on his quickness, intelligence and speed. Great change of direction. Wonderful feet. I saw him against Virginia Tech get hit in the helmet three times.
Kansas City Chiefs: Chris Crane, QB, Boston College
(By Todd McShay, ESPN draft analyst)

Chris Crane is the 25,286th player on my board, but I think he’ll go in the first round. Umm… he has bases. He’s 231 when wet. He did a lot of reps. When I found out he was from Boston University, I moved him up. And he did well at the Senior Bowl and Combine and stuff. He can play a lot of techniques, including No. 18. I can go on forever on his quickness, intelligence and speed and direction of change and feet. I saw him in a game against the Hokies and he got hit a lot. Maybe three times.
Seattle Seahawks: Matt Stafford, QB, Georgia
(By Bobby Knight, former college basketball coach)

It doesn’t really matter what this selection is, just as long as a woman isn’t making it. Women tend to care more about the Women’s Football League, and not so much about the real NFL. It’s important that a woman stays in the kitchen, bedroom and WNBA meetings because women can’t make proper decisions when it comes to men’s sports.
Cleveland Browns: Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB, Texas
(By Keith Hernandez, renowned spitter and anti-feminist)

Bobby Knight is a fine gentleman, but I have to disagree with him. He said that women belong in the kitchen, bedroom and WNBA meetings. I agree with the first two, but what’s this about a WNBA? Women playing basketball? Wow, what’s next, women voting or being able to join the army? What a joke. Women are not worthy enough to play any sports except “Stripping Nude for Good Old Keith Hernandez.” Now that’s a sport I’d watch.
Cincinnati Bengals: Unknown
(By Art Shell, zombie)

Uhhh… Unnnhhh… Uhrrr… Uhhh… Buhh… Unnnhhh… Zzzz…
Oakland Raiders: Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland
(By Al Davis, Oakland Raiders owner)

Pete Rozelle… of the NFL Network… said that Darrius Heyward-Bey… could be drafted at 7… this is foolish… Darrius Heyward-Bey… is a great player… and can be taken… first overall… he ran… a 4.30 40… and he is big… with that speed… he might be… the greatest player… who ever lived… now if you’ll excuse me… I have dinner with Miley Cyrus… and afterward… I’ll sacrifice her… to my dark master…
Jacksonville Jaguars: We Never Found Out…
(By Greg Gumbel, CBS Sports anchor)

This is Greg Gumbel with CBS. Before I give you my pick, stay tuned for a new episode of NCIS and Cold Case, followed by the Late Show and the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. I believe… wait, let me first tell you that there will be dog tricks on the Late Show, and Craig Ferguson has a crappy actor no one has ever heard of on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, followed by the Unit and Cold Case. On to this pick, but before we get there, let me remind you that following this pick will be the Late Show and the Late Late Show wit Craig Ferguson. Now, down to business. But before I get to that business, stay tuned for dog tricks on the Late Show, followed by the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and Cold Case.
Green Bay Packers: None (Time Expired)
(By Steve Mariucci, NFL Network analyst)

Oh golly gosh darn, I’m so excited to be part of this incredible mock draft, hoo boy, let me tell you. This is such a hard pick, I bet you know. Jeepers, there are just so many great, great players available to me, I wish I could have them all, but that is against the rules. I just don’t know whom to pick, all of these players are just so darn special, hoo boy. If I had to narrow it down, I’d say the Packers need a rush linebacker who can get to the quarterback, but we want to make sure we don’t hurt the other quarterback. Golly, no. We just want to push him gently so he doesn’t get hurt, gosh darn it. In fact, I sent a letter to Roger Goodell asking him to change to a 2-hand touch rule so no one gets hurt. But jeepers, I can’t decide on a player to go with and hoo boy, this is going to take me a while…
San Francisco 49ers: Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
(By Dwight K. Schrute, Dunder Mifflin paper salesman)

Some people believe that Mark Sanchez and Vincent Chase look alike. False. Mark Sanchez and Vincent Chase are in fact the same person. Fact, they are both African American. Fact, they are both beet customers of mine. Fact, they they have the same credit card and social security numbers. Some say I know a lot about Mark Sanchez and Vincent Chase. Well, maybe I am Mark Sanchez and Vincent Chase. I will be drafted by the San Francisco 49ers, and I will become assistant to the starting quarterback Shaun Hill.
Buffalo Bills: Chevy Cobalt
(By Howie Long, FOX analyst)

Hi, I’m Howie Long, and I’m a beautiful human being. Sure, I can tell you who’s getting picked here… or I can tell you about the new Chevy Cobalt, and how it gets better gas mileage than the Honda Accord. Our Chevy vehicles don’t come with “man steps either.” I, Howie Long, a beautiful human being, make great commercials for Chevy and Radio Shack. Sometimes I get to do them with Terry Hatcher. But sometimes, I get stuck with annoying little red-haired girls, and that pisses me off. That damn, alleged “big girl” tried to upstage me and take my Chevy commercials, but I showed her! CBS just started to show new Chevy commercials, and she, predictably, is nowhere to be found. On the other hand, I, Howie Long, a beautiful human being, am the star of all the Chevy commercials!
Denver Broncos: Unknown
(By Shannon Sharpe, CBS analyst)

We weren’t able to understand what Shannon Sharpe was saying. We received a written translation:

“SrpOGJWRGJER9EG ERP ERG ERG ER0[G ERIHG [ERGR[ IHGIOBT HB[TIJN BTRJB RWHV PH VWEU HVPWER HVOR VER HVO RHOV HER[0B O5IHBVO IHVHE DVHPU VREUHG TE HBOREH GWRH VIWUGV U34QGBVP REVO ERHBV BV ESHDVOIH WEOGH 48G HVOR HEO;VI H34OIGH O;WEIH VO;43 HVPH 4GOF;WH VOI HQ5 ;OIBETH B;O HBOI RAO;GH RPBVH S;OH VSODVE;ORH VO WEF;O HROIVHRETBJT ERJBVEIHJQFI3H4 VEW OFHW EVWE.”
Washington Redskins: Eben Britton, OT, Arizona
(By Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, co-hosts of the former best TV show of all time, NFL Primetime)

Chris Berman and Tom Jackson made their selection on the imaginary set of NFL Primetime, once ESPN’s best show, which has unjustly been reduced to fodder:

Berman: Who will the Washington Redskins take? Will Eben Britton go to Washington? Can you imagine that, Tom? Britton at Washington!? Sounds like an international football game to me.

Jackson: Hahahahahahaa!!!

Berman: Orrrr, will it be Michael Oher!?

Jackson: Hahahahahaa!!!

Berman: Or will Andre the Giant become Andre the Redskin? Hmm… Mr. Smith goes to Washington. We could have something here, Tom.

Keyshawn: Hey guys, can I play? Will Ocho Cinco be traded and become Ocho Dos?

Jackson: Quiet, fool, I only laugh at Boom’s jokes.
New Orleans Saints: Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
(By Charles Davis, the man who likes everyone)

This is a mock draft where I’ll be making my pick as if I were controlling the team making the actual pick in the 2009 NFL Draft. Of course this is only a mock draft, which means it’s not real.

I talked to Mike Mayock, my co-worker at NFL Network, and he believes Mark Sanchez has no shot at going to the Saints. But then I talked to Mark Sanchez’s agent, and he said that Mark Sanchez has a shot to go anywhere in the top 15, so this is as good a place as any.

NFL.com has asked me to list my top 10 overall players for the 2009 NFL Draft. I talked to some people and was able to compile a list, starting with Mark Sanchez, Matt Stafford, Beanie Wells, Knowshon Moreno, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, Hakeem Nicks, Andre Smith, Michael Oher, Jason Smith, Eugene Monroe, Alex Mack, Duke Robinson, Max Unger, Brandon Pettigrew, Chase Coffman, Brian Orakpo, Everette Brown, Aaron Maybin, B.J. Raji, Peria Jerry, Ziggy Hood, Rey Maualuga, Brian Cushing, James Laurinaitis, Clay Matthews, Malcolm Jenkins, Vontae Davis, Darius Butler, William Moore, Nic Harris, Graham Gano, Patrick Chung, Sean Smith, Louis Delmas and Rashad Johnson. Those are my top 10 overall players for the 2009 NFL Draft.
Houston Texans: Clay Matthews, OLB, USC
(By NFL Draft Bible, allegedly libelous Web site)

The Houston Texans tested positive… we mean they will draft Clay Matthews with the No. 15 overall pick, according to various sources, including one NFL team, one of the writer’s moms, some random e-mails we’ve received and the voices inside our heads.
San Diego Chargers: Chris Wells, RB, Ohio State
(By Arnold Schwarzenegger, California governor)

The San Diego Chahhjazz neeeed running baahhk. LaDainian Tomlinson is no longaah good running baahhkk. I would also like to take Clay Matthyoozh or Briahhhn Coooshing here because they do not use steroids like me. But Chahhjazz do not neeeed linebackahh. So I give running bahhk. Gooo Chahhhjazzz Gooo!!!
New York Jets: Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers
(By Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees third baseman)

Before making this pick, I’d like to point out that I never took steroids. Well, I did, but not knowingly. My brother… I mean my cousin… I mean my half-cousin took me to a store in Miami… I mean Cuba that said “Steroids Store” I mean “No Steroids Store” and we bought… I mean my brother bought steroids… I mean healthy vitamins which I injected into my anus… I mean which I never injected ever… I mean which I injected without knowing whether they were steroids or not.

Anyway, I went to a lot of Giants games… I mean Jets games last year. I went to 20 of them. No… I went to 30 of them just last year, so I know the team better than anyone. Their wide receivers I heard aren’t that good… I mean I know they aren’t that good. Just like I know that I don’t even know what a steroid is… I mean, I know what a steroid is, but I never injected it into my anus. On purpose that is. I never did it without knowing what a steroid even was. When I found out, I stopped… even though the tests say otherwise.
Denver Broncos: Matt Stafford, QB, Georgia
(By Emmitt Smith, Grammar Debacler)

I cannot say I’m surprised that the Denver Broncos traded Jake Cutler. There were… were… a breakdown in miscommunications in the front office. Now, the Denver Bronco are stranded without quarterback. To make amend for these, the Bronco must sign or trade for a player who can take the helmet in the center of the offense.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: San Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
(By Jim Rome, host of Jim Rome is Burning)

Here is my draft pick in my final burn. I can’t believe Joe Alexander is still on the board. UN-BELIEVE-A-BLE. What’s up with that? (2 minute pause) Bradford is the best quarterback in the country, just like I am the best thing on television. Seriously, Bradford is awesome. Just like me. WOW. RE-MARK-A-BLE. Look, I love WalterFootball.com Great football site. Walter, you… are… the…man. But now, I am out.
Detroit Lions: Andre Smith, OT, Alabama
(By Lindsay Soto and Adam Scheter, the cool people on the NFL Network)

Lindsay Soto live with Adam Schefter, who is picking for the Detroit Lions:

Soto: Current NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter is here to report his draft pick. Adam, you with us?

Schefter: No I am not with you Lindsay. I want my contract. I am the franchise. I am… the… best… journalist on television.

Soto: Adam, I don’t do contracts…

Schefter: I don’t care, Lindsay. Look, I… am… taking Andre Smith because I told his agent I would do it for him because no one… else… would. He gave me an interview at the Combine and now I have Smith’s back. That was the deal. Speaking of deals, the NFL Network better extend me Lindsay. I have… a… lot… of… sources around the NFL that can make the NFL look bad.

Soto: That’s great! Thanks for the awesome story Adam. That was by Adam Schefter his Blackberry is buzzing (LOL I use outplayed Schefter-Blackberry joke to be funny)
Philadelphia Eagles: Phil Loadholt, OT, Oklahoma
(By Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles head coach)

Uhh… injuries… umm… Donovan… hip… uhh… Brian… arm… hem, hem… DeSean… chicken fingers… uhh… no Brian Dawkins questions… uhh… time’s yours… hem, hem… and ummm… Phil’s a big guy… uhh… he’s doing a nice job… he’ll be ready to go by camp… I love the guy… hem, hem… uhh… It’s my responsibility to get the team ready… I don’t really care what anyone else thinks… ummm… we have a good football team coming in here… uhh… hem, hem… and ummm… something we need to do is… uhh… cheesesteaks… I need to coach better… hem, hem… I’ve gotta take responsibility for that… uhh… that’s something I need to fix… hem, hem…
Minnesota Vikings: Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State
(By Brad Clueless, Minnesota Vikings head coach)

With great players such as Jeff Dugan and Naufahu Tahi under my employ, who needs a draft pick? It’s not like I can acquire a Teddy Atlas with this selection. But the owner is making me take Josh Freeman. Good player. I’ve known him since Kansas State. He can sling it, which is the No. 1 thing. A quarterback coach, how does a guy throw it? How does it get out? That’s a big Norv Turner deal. Pick up a rock by a river. You like it, you like the motion. Let me see it again. Then you look at everything else from there. It’s like kicking the tires on something. You know what, there is a ding in this thing. I’m going to the next star. So I like the way he throws it.

TBod on the WalterFootball.com Forums gave me a great idea on how to develop quarterbacks. This is my strategy:

1. Pick up stone and throw it into the lake.

2. Repeat step 1.

3. Based on those 2 throws, decide if he can “zing” it.

4. Trade 4th-round pick for this guy (or take him in the first round).

Josh Freeman, good player, no kicking the tires necessary. No ding. All zing. He’s my guy.
Detroit Lions: Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots
(By Barack Obama, President of the United States)

The New England Patriots have three Super Bowl championships this decade. They almost had a fourth. They have the best quarterback in the league in Tom Brady. They signed a bunch of talented players this offseason. My belief, as President of the United States, is that some of the lesser teams deserve an opportunity. The Lions don’t have the opportunity to win the Super Bowl, and it’s not fair. My platform, as President of the United States, is to give the Detroit Lions that opportunity. For that to happen, I’ll need successful teams like the New England Patriots to give back to the rest of the league.

So, to make things even, I’ve decided that the Detroit Lions will be awarded this pick, as well as the rights to Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Matt Light, Jerod Mayo or Wes Welker. I’m a fair man, so I’ll let New England decide which of those five players they wish to relinquish.
Atlanta Falcons: Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State
(By Jamie Dukes, NFL Network analyst)

The Falcons need a tight end who can go over the middle of the field and make big plays. Brandon Pettigrew is the top tight end in this class. In fact, he’s so far ahead of everyone, that I look at him as the Oreo in terms of tight ends. Jared Cook would be the M&M Chips-A-Hoy cookie, and then you have Chase Coffman, who could be a Fig Newton. Bear Pascoe is a chunky chocolate chip and Shawn Nelson is oatmeal raisin.

Speaking of Oreos, was anyone else very distraught that Post decided to discontinue the Oreo O’s cereal? I sure was. I used to eat five whole boxes for breakfast, and not just the cereal – the boxes too. It was more efficient. Best nine years of my life. When it was discontinued, I cried for days. I wrote numerous e-mails to Post (I believe their e-mail address is [email protected]) but this jerk who works for them named Mailer Daemon kept sending my e-mails back to me. So, I’ve decided to try to make my own cereal. I put Oreos, Chips-A-Hoy, Fig Newtons and Mrs. Fields into a bowl and pour milk on them. When they are soggy enough, I smash all the cookies with my spoon and eat the cereal. It’s like a party in my mouth, I’m not going to lie to you.

I also like to put M&Ms into a bowl and microwave it. You really should try it sometime. I intend to mix the two together one day to make the ultimate Jamie Dukes feast.
Miami Dolphins: None (Time Expired)
(By Dan Marino, CBS analyst)

Hakeem Nicks is a good player. I like Hakeem Nicks. He’s a good player. I also like Jeremy Maclin. Jeremy Maclin is a good player. Darrius Heyward-Bey is a good player too. I like Darrius Heyward-Bey. I also like Larry English. Larry English is a guy I’d like to play with. Larry English is good. Clint Sintim can be drafted here. Clint Sintim is a good player. I like Clint Sintim. Connor Barwin is another option. I like Connor Barwin. Connor Barwin is a good player. D.J. Moore is a good player. I like D.J. Moore. I like D.J. Moore. I like Alphonso Smith. I almost forgot about Jeremy Maclin. Jeremy Maclin is a good player…
Baltimore Ravens: Handshake and Photo with Brian Billick
(By Brian Billick, former Baltimore Ravens head coach)

I’m Brian Billick. Most of you have heard of me, so no need for an introduction. My football intelligence is unparalleled, so I better explain the basics to you. See, there is a guy who throws the ball. He is the quarterback. He lines up under the center, who is the center of the offensive line, if you will. There are four other linemen, but that’s too complicated for you. The quarterback throws to guys named wide receivers and tight ends. I won’t explain the difference right now. Once your brain has soaked all of this in, I’ll begin talking about the running game and defense. But for now, go recover. I’ll spend the time staring at my magic mirror, asking it who the smartest of them all is.
Indianapolis Colts: None (On Strike)
(By Boomer Esiason, CBS analyst)

Oh boy, this crappy WalterFootball.com site asks me to come on, and I do Walt a huge favor and grace him with my presence. And guess what!? I’m drafting two picks behind Dan Marino! What a loser! Dan Marino sucks like no one else. I’ve taken craps that are worth more than Dan Marino. Dan Marino has no opinion on anything. Being on the show with him every week feels like I’m committing suicide a thousand times. I didn’t even want Dan Marino to be involved in this mock draft, but to be drafting behind him is the ultimate insult. It’s almost as if someone called my mom and sister “dirty, rotten whores,” but it’s even worse. I refuse to make any picks in this mock draft as long as Dan Marino is around.
Philadelphia Eagles: None (Fifteen Minutes Expired With No Result)
(By Donovan McNabb, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback)

I just found out there are 32 picks in this draft… Never been part of a draft with 32 picks… Never even knew it was in the rule book… I hate to see what happens when the 31 teams in the NFL pick and they have to assign a random team to pick 32nd… But it’s part of the rules, and we have to go with it. I guess we’re aware of it now.
New York Giants: Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers
(By Andy Bernard, Dunder-Mifflin paper salesman)

Kenny-dog… the Brittster… the Brittman… Brittin it up… K.B. going to the G-Boys… the Britter to the Big Apple! Britton Man, yeah! You know what I call Kenny Britt? The Tower. Not because he’s tall. That’s just stupid. Britain is the capital of England. Inside Britain is Big Ben. What’s on Big Ben? A clock. And what is the clock on? That’s right – a tower. The Tower Man going to Britain… the Britton man going to Britain. The Brittster Tower…
Tennessee Titans: Darius Butler, CB, Connecticut
(By Deion Sanders, shameless self-promoter)

Deion Sanders believes that the Tennessee Titans need a cornerback. Now, Deion Sanders did not think Malcolm Jenkins had a good performance at the Combine. In fact, Deion Sanders remembers that Deion Sanders said that Jenkins was killing himself. Jenkins was slaughtering himself. But Deion Sanders really likes Darius Butler – not as much as Deion Sanders likes Deion Sanders I mean, come on now, Deion Sanders ran a 3.9 40 at the Combine, which made Deion Sanders a lot of money to buy these fine suits that Deion Sanders wears.
Arizona Cardinals: Abacus and Friends
(By John McCain, Debacled in 2008 Presidential Election)

I don’t know any players in this draft, but I do know that I liked the Arizona Cardinals growing up, my friends, and I know exactly what they need to do to win the Super Bowl. The Arizona… Arizona… my friends… Arizona is a nice town. I’ve been there one time when I was younger. The people there are very nice… and uhh… people… my friends… I have a lot of friends. I always have. Some of them made me give my snacks to them at school. Those were my best friends in the world, my friends. You’re my good friends too… uhh… friends… my friends… the whole wide world is on some kind of contraption called the Web. The guy I ran against for presidency, John Kerry, ran a Web site and that’s how he got everyone to elect him, my friends. The computer is far too advanced for me, my friends. I’m still learning how to use the abacus, my friends. The Arizona Cardinals could use an abacus, my friends.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Franco Harris, RB, Penn State
(By Terry Bradshaw, FOX “analyst”)

I was excited when they asked me to be one of the celebrities in the 2050 NFL Mark Draft. Hic! The Steelers needed running back this year so I’m gonna give my buddy Harris Franko to the Steelers. That reminds Terry of a joke I once heard. Hic! A horse walked into a bar one time. I forget what bar it was but I’ve been to this bar many times. So, the bartender looks at the lion and says, “Why the long face?” Hic! And then the lion says, “All the better to smell you with, my dear!” Then the lion bought Terry a drink of Jack Daniels and Terry said, “Only one drink? I have 10 before I go on the CBS pregame show Hic!” And then the horse said to the bartender, “You have a long face sir.”