2016 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Sunday, April 10, 2016. Major changes in all 1 rounds.

This is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2016 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2016 NFL Mock Draft or 2017 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.

2016 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Atlanta Falcons: Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
(By Steve Harvey, beauty pageant host – thanks, Kris M.)

With the 17th pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Kevin Dodd, defensive end, Clemson! Congratulations, Kevin! You’re the new member of the Atlanta Falcons. Come on down, Kevin, and enjoy a hug with the NFL commiss… uhh… oh no, I did it again. I screwed up again! Why do I keep awarding the wrong people? Why, God, why!?!? What’s wrong with me!? Maybe I should just slit my wrists and end it all AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Indianapolis Colts: Budweiser
(By Peyton Manning, retired quarterback)

Hi, I’m Peyton Manning and I’m very angry right now. You know what would make me feel better? No, not some slapstick like Charlie Sly not making up any lies about me, but a nice, cold Budweiser. I drink Budweiser all the time, and you should too. But speaking of Charlie Sly, that whole thing was a joke. Excuse my language, but a freaking joke. It was such a joke that I sent my private investigators to his house to rough him up. I then told him to say that they’d be real pleasant, even though his sister called the police on them. Maybe she should’ve enjoyed a nice, cold Budweiser instead. You know who else is a slapstick? The person who said I sat on the woman’s face at Tennessee. What a joke. Excuse my language again, but it’s a real joke. You know what else is a joke? Drinking Miller Lite instead of Budweiser. Why would you not enjoy a nice, cold Budweiser on a spring day like this? Anyone who doesn’t is a slapstick and a joke. Wait, let me check this text. OK, new advertisement offer. Hi, I’m Peyton Manning. Are you tired of getting a messy period? Try Tampax tampons. I use Tampax tampons, and you should to. Anyway, maybe this slapstick lady from Tennessee wouldn’t have spread lies about me if she used Tampax tampons and also drank a nice, cold Budweiser.
Buffalo Bills: No One
(By Mario Williams, Dolphins defensive end)

Why am I picking for the Bills if I’m currently on the Dolphins? That doesn’t make any sense. I guess I’m going to have the Bills taking… uhh… ehh… that’s it. I give up. I’m not going to try hard because I don’t fit into this celebrity mock draft.

New York Jets: Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State
(By Bernie Sanders, Democratic Presidential Candidate)

When I look around here at this here NFL Mock Draft, I get very upset. The Tennessee Titans have the first pick, the Cleveland Browns have the second pick, the San Diego Chargers have the third pick, and so on until you get to the New York Jets with the 20th pick, and even to the Broncos at the 31st pick. This makes me very upset. It’s very uneven and unbalanced. Why do the Jets pick 20th, while other teams pick higher? What about the Broncos? Aren’t they upset to be picking 31st and not first?

If you vote for me for president, I will kill all the Jews, including myself, and I will make sure every team will have the first pick! Thus, my Jets can select the quarterback of their choosing, just like the Denver Broncos, who can also take Carson Wentz. Everybody who wants a Carson Wentz can get a Carson Wentz! Some may say this is very unrealistic, but the only ones who are saying that are the insiders and the corporate fat cats who control everything! Well, it’s time for no one to control anything! My campaign is funded on people donating 25 cents at a time! Vote Bernie Sanders for President!
Washington Redskins: Unavailable
(By Hillary Clinton, Democratic Presidential Candidate)

*** This pick is unavailable because Hillary Clinton deleted it. Our lawyers went to her office, but were sent away. They were told that she is immune to any sort of legal misconduct because she is a Clinton. Then, some of our lawyers mysteriously died, coincidentally, much like many others who opposed the Clintons in the past. ***
Houston Texans: Jihad Ward, DT, Illinois
(By Donald Trump, Republican Presidential Candidate)

What is wrong with our great country? It’s like everyone has suddenly become a loser. A giant loser. I say one thing about wanting to protect our great nation from terrorists, and now everyone thinks I’m a racist. A racist loser! Well, I’m not a racist loser! Everyone reading this is a racist loser!

To show everyone that I’m not a racist loser, I’ve decided to select Jihad Ward, a Muslim. This shows that I respect the Muslim people and only fear the extremists. So, where will Jihad Ward play? On the defensive line, of course, back in Iraq. That’s right! I’ve decided to deport Jihad Ward because he’s a Muslim terrorist. A Muslim terrorist loser! Let’s make America great again!

Minnesota Vikings: Robert Nkemdiche, DE/DT, Ole Miss
(By Evil Cris Carter, Color Analyst on ESPN Evil)

I can’t believe how crazy this story is, Boom! Robert Nkemdiche actually threw a college teammate of his under the bus at the Combine, Boom! He said that Laremy Tunsil was in the room with him snorting marijuana, Boom! I’m actually confused about drugs because I’ve never been under the influence, Boom! Boom, do you like how I keep saying your name, Boom? That’s because I want to murder you in your sleep, Boom!

But I digress, Boom! The real tragedy here is that Robert tried to take my advice to heart but screwed up the true meaning of it, Boom! At the rookie symposium, I said that all NFL players should have a fall guy, Boom! Like when I murder you in your sleep, Boom, and I blame it on Keyshawn Johnson, Boom! But don’t have the fall guy be your teammate, Boom! Otherwise, it’ll look suspicious when you murder him in his sleep, Boom! Come on, man! I said, come on, man! Come on, man! Come on, man. Come on, man? Come on, man!!! I get paid $5,000 every time I say “come on, man,” so I’m just going to keep saying it, Boom!
Cincinnati Bengals: Oops!
(By Brit McHenry, hot sideline reporter on ESPN Evil)

Hey guys, I have to say that I’m extremely happy to be making a pick on the Celebrity Mock Draft for the first time. I want to thank Walt for not only including me in this celebrity mock, but also describing me as “hot.” I am truly a beautiful person, and my smile lights up any room I walk into. Even if it’s completely dark. Everyone’s so happy to see me that whenever I bump into someone on the street, they either ask me where I got my hair done or give me a present! Everyone loves me so mu… WAIT A SECOND! WAIT JUST ONE SECOND! I JUST SAW THAT WALT SPELLED MY NAME WRONG! IT’S BRITT WITH TWO TS! NOT ONE T! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WALTERFOOTBALL!? SERIOUSLY!? WHO THE F*** ARE YOU!? DO YOU KNOW WHOSE NAME YOU SPELLED WRONG!? I’M ON TELEVISION, HONEY, AND I CAN END YOUR F***ING WEB SITE RIGHT NOW MOTHERF***ER!!! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, DIDN’T YOU!? YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE JUST TO HUMILIATE ME!!! HA! YOU’RE GOING DOWN, MOTHERF***ER! I’M BRITT F***ING MCHENRY, AND I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE!!!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma
(By Skip Bayless, troll on ESPN Evil – thanks, Brent F.)

It’s unfortunate that the Steelers have just one pick in the draft because there’s so much wrong with them. Where do I even begin? The secondary is a mess. The offensive line lost its left tackle. And maybe worst of all, Ben Roethlisberger is the worst quarterback in the NFL.

I don’t get how people think Big Ben is going to be a Hall of Famer one day. More like Hall of Shamer. Here are some facts: Big Ben completed only 68 percent of his passes in 2015. Do you know what a 68 is? It’s a D+ in school. Not even an “C.” That’s horrible. Second point: Big Ben had 21 touchdowns to 16 interceptions last year. That’s a difference of five. Do you know Tom Brady’s difference? It was 28. That means that Tom Brady is almost six times as good as Big Ben. Last point: Let’s not forget that Big Ben raped four girls in the bathroom at the same time. He’s a horrible human being, and I’d rather have Landry Jones quarterbacking my team. In fact, I’m going to mock Landry Jones here just to emphasize my great points.

Seattle Seahawks: WALT IS FAT LOL
(By Jerry Jackson and Marco Manila, trolls who disappeared from WalterFootball’s Facebook wall)

Jerry Jackson: DID YOU SEE HOW BAD WALT DID WITH HIS PICKS THIS YEAR. HE WAS ALL MOST MINUS $2,000. THEY WERE DIRT. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME SON.

Marco Manila: Yeah you disappeared so I was harassing him so good! I even said I want to have sex with his dad haha I mean mom!

Jerry Jackson: GOOD ONE. THAT’S GOOD HUMOR UNLIKE THE REST OF WALTER FOOTBALL’S SITE. DOES HE THINK HE’S ACTUALLY FUNNY? TRY BETTER JOKES SON THEIR DIRT.

Marco Manila: I told him as much when I was harassing him so good! He probably cried after I wrote all of those Facebook messages!

Jerry Jackson: I HAD ALL THE RIGHT PICKS. I SAID THE PATS WOULD BEAT THE BILLS IN WEEK 2 AND I WAS RIGHT. TOM BRADY IS WALTERFOOTBALL’S FATHER. TOM BRADY’S LIKE “BOL, SON” TO WALTERFOOTBALL. GET IT? BECAUSE HE’S HIS FATHER.

Marco Manila: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You’re harassing WalterFootball so good.

Jerry Jackson: I MAKE ALL THE BEST JOKES. NO COMEDIAN CAN COMPETE WITH ME AND MY GR8 PICKS. BOL SON IF YOUR A COMEDIAN TRYING TO MAKE JOKES. ESPECIALLY IF YOUR A FAT PIG LIKE WALTERFOOTBALL.

Marco Manila: You and me, Jerry, we are so great at harassing WalterFootball so good! Did you see my Justin Bieber haircut? Do you like it.

Jerry Jackson: I WOULD SAY BOL SON BUT YOU DON’T NEED IT BECAUSE YOU GOT THE BEST HAIRCUT EVER FRIEND.

Marco Manila: Hey, Jerry, you want to run your hand through my hair while we organize these Starbucks cups?

Jerry Jackson: WHY WOULDN’T I? AND THEN WE CAN MAKE SWEET LOVE DURING BREAK FRIEND. IF YOU’RE A MAN TRYING TO SLEEP WITH US BOL SON.
Green Bay Packers: CHINA FOOD
(By Eddie Lacy, fat running back)

MAKING THIS PICK FOR MY TEAM IS STRESSFUL, LIKE WHAT IF I SCREW UP, WAIT A SECOND, I KNOW THE BEST SOLUTION TO THIS… CHINA FOOD. I LIKE CHINA FOOD A LOT. I ALREADY ATE CHINA FOOD TODAY FOR MY THIRD LUNCH. OH, AND MY FOURTH BREAKFAST. BUT THERE’S NOTHING LIKE MORE CHINA FOOD. THE BEST CHINA FOOD IS WHEN THERE’S A LOT OF IT. I’M BOUT TO GET GET SOME CHINA FOOD 🙂 AND THEN AFTER THAT I’M GOING TO A SPECIAL PLACE TO HELP ME WRITE THIS PICK. #SONIC HERE I COME. WAIT, I MADE A MISTAKE, SONIC IS FOR MY FIFTH DINNER TONIGHT. BOUT TO MAKE THIS POPEYES RUN RIGHT FAST THOUGH LOL. THAT’S ACTUALLY BEFORE THE CHINA FOOD. AND THEN, TACO BELL HERE I COME. YES, I WILL BE WRITING THIS PICK AT TACO BELL. NOW ALL I NEED IS FA SOMEONE TO BRING ME SOME CHINESE FOOD & I’LL B SET. THAT’S RIGHT, SOMEONE IS BRINGING ME CHINA FOOD WHILE I GO GET CHINA FOOD, IT’S LIKE EATING TWO CHEEESEBURGERS AND ONE STONE. OH, AND FA WHOEVER IS BRINGING ME CHINA FOOD, I WANT A SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH WIT A LARGE FRY FROM CHECKERS. AND FA SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT DOING THIS, I WANT A CHILLY CHEESE HOT DOG. NEXT UP… A FULL RACK OF RIBS. THAT’S BEFORE THE POPEYES.
Kansas City Chiefs: Never finished…
(By George R.R. Martin, author of a Game of Thrones)

The two men sat across from each other, focusing deeply on the crucial task at hand. Many others watched, some sweating in anticipation. The next move was not one anyone wanted to take lightly, as it would determine the future of the organization.

“Who should we draft, then?” the aging, bespectacled man asked, finally breaking the tense silence.

“Hem, hem… uhh… hem, hem,” the much larger man replied, noticing that his armpits were drenched as if he had just bathed in Ironman’s Bay.

The wafting smell of pepperoni pizza drew the second man’s attention toward the door where a young squire donning a baseball cap stood. The cap was royal blue except for an odd picture in the middle of a diamond, half of which was red. Three white dots were shown within the crimson. The other half of the diamond was a lighter shade of blue, but the lettering was too small for him to decipher.

“Lord Reid, your pizzas have arrived,” the squire said. “All six pepperoni pizzas, for you and your employees.”

“Employees?” the first man snarled. “Lord Reid, we were not informed that you ordered pizza.”

“Hem, hem… uhh… umm… hem, hem…” Lord Reid replied, his armpits now even more soaked.

“This pizza is all for you!?” he spat back. How dare you insult me!? I am Lord Dorsey, general manager of the Kansas City Chiefs, and I demand-”

Lord Dorsey’s rant came to an unceremonious conclusion, as everyone in the room gasped, then stood in silence, completely shocked at what they had just witnessed. The knife sliced through Lord Dorsey’s back and was protruding out of his stomach.

“The Elways send their regards!” the squire hissed, sprinting out of the room. Lord Reid chased after him, but he, too, was injured. Lord Reid collapsed, knowing very well that he stood up too quickly.

“Lord Reid, you know you have to pace yourself!” said a voice in the background. Lord Reid didn’t know whose it belonged to; all he heard was the sound of others eating his precious, pepperoni pizza.

To be continued in Part 2, set to be released in April 2039!

Arizona Cardinals: Unknown
(By Carson Palmer, choking quarterback)

I can’t wait to make this pick! I’m so thrilled to be in the celebrity mock draft that I’ve been practicing big time. In fact, I did 16 practice rounds just to make sure that I’d nail it. It was so intense that I almost got hurt doing them. Luckily, I escaped with just a few bruises and a couple of paper cuts! It pays to have great protection, after all!

OK, so here it goes. Time for the pick that actually counts. I’ve prepared for this, so I’ll make the best pick ever. Here it goes. Here it goes… here it… here… oh God… here… here it… aghh… someone help… aghh I’m ch… I’m choking… ahh… can’t… can’t… can’t handle… can’t handle press… pressure… can’t… do… it… too… much… pressure… agghh… someone… else… please… make… the… pick… aghhh… ahh… help… ahhhghhghghh…
Carolina Panthers: Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford
(By Cam Newton, dabbing quarterback)

I know exactly what my team needs. Outside of the same dance moves, of course! That’s right – I’m going to be dabbing all throughout 2016, so get ready! I mean, sure, dabbing is old and tired, and it was never all that creative, and anyone who does it looks like a complete moron, but dabbing is cool. I don’t care if it’s so 2015 like all of the kids are saying. I’m Cam Newton, professional dabbing quarterback!

Anyway, I lost my train of thought. Ah, yes, my team needs a tackle after what transpired in the Super Bowl. I was murdered out there. Luckily, I found the perfect prospect. Andrus Peat! He’s a tackle out of Stanford, and he looks great! He- wait, what are you saying? He was a 2015 prospect? So… I screwed up? I didn’t screw up. I… you know what? I don’t need to explain myself. I’m leaving. I don’t need to take this anymore, for I am Cam Newton, professional dabbing quarterback. You show me a person who answers questions about their mock draft picks, and I’ll show you a loser.
Denver Broncos: Andrus Peat, RB, Stanford
(By Kanye West, moron – thanks, William J.)

I was taking a break from eating cheese cubes and fish sticks off my hot wife’s large buttocks when I noticed that I was almost on the clock. So, I called Cam Newton to give him some advice on who to pick. “You should take Andrus Peat, even my hot wife says he’s a great running back.” Then something funny happened. I told Cam that I was eating cheese cubes and fish sticks off my hot wife’s large buttocks, and he asked, “Hey, Kanye, what are you, a gay fish?” What an idiot. Didn’t he hear that I have a hot wife? Kim’s so hot and her buttocks are so big. Maybe it’s the cheese cubes then? Cheese cubes might be considered gay, but what do they have to do with fish? You know what? Cam is probably a gay fish, which is why he’s accusing me of being one even though I have a hot wife with huge buttocks. Pssh, I’m not no gay fish. If anyone is a gay fish, it’s everyone else because I have a hot wife and they don’t.

You know what? Screw Cam. I’m going to steal his pick because I thought of it myself. In fact, I thought of this pick first, and everyone’s pick in this celebrity mock draft. That’s right. I’ve been the mastermind behind it all. Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be because I have a hot wife with huge buttocks.

Anyway, my plan to fix the Denver Broncos is to give $500 million to this draft pick. Andrus Peek is a damn good football player and he deserves $500 million. That’s OK, my hot wife with huge buttocks can help pay for it. I’ve told this plan to John Elway himself right after I reminded him that I have a hot wife with huge buttocks that I was eating cheese cubes and fish sticks with. He laughed and asked, “What are you, a gay fish?” You know what!? I am not a gay fish! I have a hot wife with huge buttocks, and John Elway is just jealous that I’m eating cheese cubes with a hot wife with huge buttocks. John then said he doesn’t have the cap room to do that, and I said screw that! I’ll just call Zuckerberg and ask for $3 trillion to fix all the salary cap problems, and if that doesn’t work, I can show the NFL pictures of my hot wife with huge buttocks, and they’ll pay $500 million or more to see them because she’s a hot woman with huge buttocks!