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2013 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft

Last update: Saturday, April 15, 2013.

This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2013 NFL Mock Draft or 2014 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.


  1. Kansas City Chiefs: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Manti Te'o, Linebacker)

    Hi, my name is Manti Te'o, linebacker from Notre Dame. I want to thank you all for gathering here to hear me read my mock draft pick for WalterFootball.com's Celebrity Mock Draft.

    And the No. 1 pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft is... Manti Te'o, linebacker, Notre Dame. Wow, what an honor. I am so pleased to be the first pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft.

    Why do I deserve to be the No. 1 pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft? First of all, Mel Kiper told me that I'm good enough to be the first pick. But more importantly, I need the money that comes with being a top pick. You see, I have a friend who is in trouble. He really needs the money, and I'm going to send him my entire paycheck.

    This guy is my best friend in the entire world. He e-mailed me recently and said he's the son of an African king. His name is Kennay Lakua. Kennay and I have been corresponding every day, and I know that I can trust him with my life. Unfortunately, his money is tied up in bank accounts by his government, and the only way he can recoup his finances is if I send him $10 million. I hope the Chiefs pick me in real life so I can help out my dear friend Kennay. Maybe I can even meet him soon, but he is currently in quarantine with the Chickenpox, so that's not possible.

  2. Jacksonville Jaguars: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
    (By David Caldwell, Jaguars GM)

    I was very happy to be invited to this Celebrity Mock Draft. Why? Because I hate this WalterFootball.com guy's guts. He's an a**hole because he made fun of me for saying that we should build around Blaine Gabbert.

    I don't know what the hell this WalterFootball.com guy is thinking. Blaine Gabbert is the best. Even CBS' Pete Prisco said so. This WalterFootball.com guy always makes fun of Gabbert for closing his eyes when he throws the ball. I look at that as a positive. Gabbert is so good he doesn't need to keep his eyes open when he throws.

    I'm going to use this pick on JaMarcus Russell. I'm sure this WalterFootball.com guy is going to criticize this pick as well, and if he does, f*** him. Russell is great. He has such a big arm. People say he's fat, but I look at that as a positive. Fat guys are scientifically proven to be harder to tackle than skinny guys. Gabbert has to gain weight, so he can learn from Russell. Once they're both fat, I'm going to use my awesome two-quarterback offense and prove that WalterFootball.com guy wrong!

  3. Oakland Raiders: Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse
    (By Dennis Allen, Raiders Head Coach)

    I was on my iPhone the other day and I like checked my Facebook and my friends said to look at WalterFootball.com because he made fun of me in the April Fools mock draft. I was like "wtf this web sight sucks!" but only four people liked that status and tbh I'm kinda pissed more friends didn't like it.

    I'm def. not taking Barkley to meet girls. I went to USC's campus to check out how many girls Barkley hangs out with and stuff and tbh I was kinda disappointed. I posted that on Facebook too and 10 people liked that status. That's cool.

    I'm taking Ryan Nassib with my pick. I asked my scout to follow him apartment to see how many girls he has coming over and stuff and tbh he has lots of girls which is cool. Maybe I can draft him and hang out with all his girlfriends and then one girl is gonna be like "do you wanna be my bf" and I'll see yes but only if she's hot lol.

  4. Oakland Raiders: Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse
    (By Howard Eskin, Philadelphia Reporter)

    I have breaking news for you that you have not heard anywhere else. The Raiders will be taking Ryan Nassib, according to my sources. I am reporting this first. I will get all the credit for this story because I am Howard Eskin, and no one else but me breaks news. I can also tell you that the Chiefs will be taking Manti Te'o, and the Jaguars have drafted JaMarcus Russell, according to my sources. You are hearing this first from me. I am so great. You may now refer to me as the King of Sports News.



  5. Detroit Lions: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Mel Kiper, ESPN Draft Analyst)

    Mel Kiper: We'll take turns making these picks, Todd. I believe the Lions will take Manti Te'o. This is a bit late for Te'o, but any prospect can slip on Draft Day. Te'o is the best linebacker of all time, and he deserves to be the No. 1 pick. I know you agree with me, Todd.

    Todd McShay: I don't know, Mel. Alphonse from the tanning salon isn't so big on Te'o.

    Mel Kiper: What the hell is wrong with you, Todd? You know nothing about football if you don't think Te'o is worth the top pick.

    Todd McShay: But you said Te'o slipped in the draft like 15 spots and then you moved him back up, Mel. Why'd you do that, huh, huh, huh?

    Mel Kiper: Because he had a bad 40 time at the Combine. Everyone cares so much about 40s because they are so significant, Todd. But Te'o had a great 40 at his Pro Day, which vaulted him up 15 spots into the No. 1 pick again.

    Todd McShay: I just got a text from Alphonse saying Te'o sucks. He also said... well... I think that's private.

    Mel Kiper: TE'O DOESN'T SUCK! HE'S THE GREATEST LINEBACKING PROSPECT EVER! HE AND JIMMY CLAUSEN ARE SO GREAT BECAUSE THEY WENT TO NOTRE DAME!

    Todd McShay: Didn't you have Clausen as your No. 4 overall prospect in 2010, Mel? Huh, huh, huh?

    Mel Kiper: HE WAS NOT USED CORRECTLY IN CAROLINA! JIMMY CLAUSEN AND MANTI TE'O ON THE SAME TEAM WOULD MEAN LIKE 50,000 SUPER BOWLS IN A ROW, IDIOT!

  6. Cleveland Browns: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Todd McShay, ESPN Draft Analyst)

    Todd McShay: It's my turn to make a pick, Mel! The ESPN people said it's my turn!

    Mel Kiper: So make your damn pick, you fool! I bet you're going to copy me and mock Manti Te'o to the Browns.

    Todd McShay: It's definitely Manti Te'o. This new guy Roberto at the tanning salon told me that the smart money is on Te'o. I wondered if Geno Smith could be the pick here, but Roberto said that he's too short to be a quarterback.

    Mel Kiper: Too short? He's 6-3, moron!

    Todd McShay: Mel, I told you three years ago that Jimmy Clausen would bust because he's only 6-2. Well, Geno Smith is only an inch taller. While I was massaging Roberto's calf muscles, he said that quarterbacks need to be 6-8 at the very least to be successful in the NFL. Just look at Joe Flacco.

    Mel Kiper: I don't need to look at Joe Flacco! Manti Te'o will kill Joe Flacco!

    Todd McShay: That's actually what Roberto said. He's a smart guy, and I bet I'm going to nail all 35 picks in the first round with his help.

    Mel Kiper: Umm... no, you'll get no picks right because you're stupid, and you'll never have great hair like me. Where else will you find great hair like this, Todd? My hair hasn't even moved in 20 years.

    Todd McShay: But do you have Roberto's calf muscles, Mel? Do you? Huh, huh, huh?

    Mel Kiper: No, but Manti Te'o has even better calf muscles than your precious Roberto.

  7. Arizona Cardinals: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, ESPN Analysts)

    Chris Berman: Hi, and welcome to the 78th-annual NFL Player Selection Meeting. I'm Chris Berman, here with my partner of 30 years, Tom Jackson! Tom, you're looking very autumnal today!

    Tom Jackson: Glad to be here, Boom.

    Chris Berman: ESPN used to make me work just one day between the Super Bowl and Kickoff Weekend, but now it's two because Roger Goodell changed the schedule. I wish I could be wearing my Cecil golf shoit, Tom!

    Tom Jackson: Hahaha!

    Chris Berman: But now the Cardinals are on the clock. They have issues at quarterback. Kevin "Corn on the" Kolb was released. They used to have John Skelton "In My Body" and they signed Drew "Mike" Stanton. Remember Mike Stanton from the Braves, Tom? What if he happened to be a Cardinal? He'd be Mike "Cardinal" Stanton!

    Tom Jackson: Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

    Chris Berman: But what if the Arizona football Cardinals go defense, Tom? Is Ziggy the right Ansah, Tom? What about Dion "Michael" Jordan? How about Dee "Who Wants to Be a" Millineraire?

    Tom Jackson: Hahaha!

    Chris Berman: And who could forget about Jarvis Jones? Reminds me of that old song, Tom! ***Music*** I once met a man named Jarvis... Met him by the highway mooootel, doo, doo, dee, bop! ***Music***

    Tom Jackson: I remember that song, Boom!

    Chris Berman: But a cab driver told me some news, Tom. Can you say, "Teeeeee'oooo, Teeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh'oooooo?"

    Tom Jackson: Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

    Chris Berman: The Cardinals are about to pick, but the ESPN higher-ups are telling me to cut to commercial since we already spoiled the pick anyway. We'll be back after this.

  8. Buffalo Bills: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
    (By Jason Whitlock, Professional Troller)

    It should be obvious why I'm mocking Geno Smith to the Bills. Yes, they need a quarterback, but it's so much more than that. Did you know that an African American quarterback has never been chosen with the eighth-overall pick in the NFL Draft? It's never happened. I checked.

    Normally, I wouldn't make such a big deal about this, but did you know that a white quarterback was taken eighth overall just last year? Ryan Tannehill. I checked. There's clearly an agenda here by the NFL to keep African American quarterbacks out of the eighth spot.

    You may think that I'm insinuating that the NFL is racist. I most certainly am not. I'm just telling you to look at the facts. Once you study the facts, you'll come to the same conclusion that I did - that the NFL hates African American quarterbacks, and they're doing everything in their power to keep them out of the eighth pick.



  9. New York Jets: Not Finished
    (By Daniel Jeremiah and Mike Tannenbaum, NFL Network Analysts)

    Daniel Jeremiah: Welcome back to Path to the Draft. Mike Tannenbaum will now go inside the Jets' war room, and as always, we will start at the quarterback position. Mike, what do you see here?

    Mike Tannenbaum: Uhh... Mark... uhh... Mark Sanchez... great player... great quarterback... uhh... great player...

    Daniel Jeremiah: The Jets need to look at the quarterback position, but may not be able to do it this year. Let's move to the offensive line. How do you think the Jets feel about D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Mike? Pretty good, huh?

    Mike Tannenbaum: Umm... uhh... yeah... uhh...

    Daniel Jeremiah: Unfortunately, there's no running back to run behind this offensive line. Shonn Greene is gone.

    Mike Tannenbaum: Shonn Greene! Uhh... great player... uhh... you know... we traded up for him... good move...

    Daniel Jeremiah: I don't know if that was such a good move, Mike. How about the receivers, what do you see here?

    Mike Tannenbaum: Shaun Hill... uhh... good player... uhh...

    Daniel Jeremiah: I think you mean Stephen Hill, Mike. He hasn't done anything in the NFL yet.

    Mike Tannenbaum: Not a great player I meant... uhh... Santonio Holmes... you know... good draft pick...

    Daniel Jeremiah: Didn't you trade for him, Mike? What's wrong, Mike, why are you sweating so much?

    Mike Tannenbaum: Uhh... great trade, I meant... uhh... Shaun Hill... you know... good trade...

    Daniel Jeremiah: Paul, can we cut to commercial break? Mike looks like he's about to pass out.

  10. Tennessee Titans: Tyler Bray, QB, Tennessee
    (By Dennis Rodman, Diplomat)

    I recently visited with a great man in a distant land. I've come to know him as a great friend. He's perceived to be a bad guy, but I've learned that he's really a great person. His name is Tyler Bray.

    Tyler is great. We are such great friends because we have so much in common. For example, we both like sports.

    There is some controversy that Tyler threw some beer bottles at cars, but I did not ask him about that. Because that's not important. What's important is that he's a great person and a great friend.

  11. San Diego Chargers: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Dan Fouts, CBS NFL Analyst)

    I think I need to talk about the Manti Te'o situation. Manti Te'o went to a school named Notre Dame. "Notre Dame" when translated from French to English means "Our Lady." But what about if it's translated from Spanish to English? Has anyone ever figured out that translation? What about from Russian to English? Or what about Spanish to Polish? And what about English to French? And what about Spanish to German to Irish? It's unclear what "Notre Dame" would mean in those languages.

    But as we know, Manti Te'o was catfished. It's too bad he wasn't dogfished or mousefished. I once caught a mousefish when I was fishing with my dad at the lake. I caught a fish, and I asked what it was, and he said it was a mousefish. Then he made me throw it back because it's smart to throw back the smaller fish.

    What matters though is Manti Te'o is a good kid. He plays the linebacker position. That's on defense. If he played offense, he might play quarterback or running back or center. Maybe even receiver too. Or how about tight end? Then there's guard and tackle. Maybe even fullback too.

  12. Miami Dolphins: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Phil Jackson, Former Basketball Coach)

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    (100 bonus points to whoever can figure out what Phil Jackson was trying to type)



  13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Zac Dysert, QB, Miami of Ohio
    (By Trent Dilfer, ESPN Analyst)

    I've studied the tape, and I've come to the conclusion that Zac Dysert is the best quarterback in the NFL. Trust me, I've looked at the film. Let's take a look at a play right here. See this throw right here? It's a primetime dime. And it's exactly why I call Dysert a cable-box quarterback. Because when you turn him on, you can click "On Demand" and see whatever you want to see.

    Let's take a look at another primetime dime. See that? What an unbelievable throw. Dysert is what I like to call a lampshade quarterback. If you don't have a lampshade, the light's going to be too bright and the bulb will be too hot. The lampshade covers that up. That's exactly what Dysert does. He can cover up all of the other mistakes on the team.

    Let's look at one last primetime dime. Wow. Dysert is what I like to call a Pringle quarterback - because once you pop, you can't stop! I'm so excited right now that I might call myself a Pringle announcer - that's how great Dysert is!

  14. Carolina Panthers: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
    (By Walter Cherepinsky, Fat Web Site Owner)

    Jimmy Clausen is the best quarterback of all time. He should be the No. 1 pick. In fact, I want to have man sex with Jimmy Clausen. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    I'm eating Cheetos and Oreos right now NOM NOM NOM NOM.

    Big Ten plodder. Have a quarterback. Protect the quarterback. Get to the quarterback. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    Insert fat joke. Insert racial joke. Everyone on ESPN sucks.

    Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen.

    NOM NOM NOM NOM.

    I'm fat.

    Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow.

    Jimmy Clausen. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  15. New Orleans Saints: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Marshall Henderson, Basketball Player)

    WHY IS MANTI TE'O LISTED EVERYWHERE IN THIS CELEBRITY MOCK DRAFT OMG I'M LOSING MY F***ING MIND THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS MANTI TE'O IS NOT THAT GOOD HE'S NOT EVEN BETTER THAN I AM EVEN THOUGH I DON'T EVEN PLAY FOOTBALL HOLY S**T I COULD BEAT HIM IN A GAME OF FOOTBALL YOU HEAR THAT MANTI YOU F***ING SUCK AND I'M THE S**T AND I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU AT FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL AND LIFE IN GENERAL SO SUCK IT YOU PIECE OF S**T JUST PLAYIN MAN YOU'RE A COOL DUDE BUT I'M STILL F***ING BETTER THAN YOU.

  16. St. Louis Rams: Manti Te'o, ILB, Notre Dame
    (By Manti Te'o, Linebacker)

    Guys, I have some bad news for you. Remember my best friend, Kennay Lakua, whom I mentioned earlier? Well, he died of cancer. I am so sad about this. It's horrible. Kennay was so near and dear to me. We never met, but we had a connection as if we've known each other our entire lives.

    I received an e-mail about Kennay's passing from his government. They informed me that they received the check I sent him so he could transfer his funds. They told me they'd send the check back to me, but that it might take several years. I told them not to worry about it as long as they used all of the money for Kennay's funeral. They said they'd do that.

    I'm going to select myself to the Rams because I want to dedicate this Celebrity Mock Draft to Kennay. So, Kennay Lakua, if you're watching from above, know that I love you and that you'll always be with me.


    Go to 2013 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

    Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.

Real 2013 NFL Mock Draft









NFL Picks - Sept. 22


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


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