2014 NFL Kickoff Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2014 NFL Kickoff Live Blog – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Seahawks-Packers game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football’s back.

Also, you can discuss the Seahawks-Packers game in the Live In-Game Thread on the forums.

8:05: Football is back! There’s a 60-year-old lesbian throwing a football in a Seahawks shirt. Time for football!

8:08: My friends Body Burner, the Reverend and Cory are here. Body Burner is talking about his fantasy draft last night. He stepped in for his girlfriend’s dad, who was in Vegas. Dez Bryant fell to him at 2.12. He then landed Robert Griffin in the 11th round, and yet his league members complimented someone who chose Johnny Manziel a couple of picks later.

8:10: Woooo music! Is that Hines Ward on stage? He has a nice voice.

8:11: Steve P. on Facebook just posted that he got Seahawks -4 -110 on 5Dimes. Steal.

8:13: Ugh, I feel like I say this every year. Why are they playing music right now? Football fans want football. We don’t want Hines Ward signing on stage. We can listen to that at any time.

8:14: Body Burner on Bob Costas’ hair: “Look at that hair! It’s a piece. Give it up!” I’m a fan of anyone who makes fun of that douche.

8:17: More on Body Burner’s girlfriend’s dad’s league: Le’Veon Bell went 10th overall. Lamar Miller went in the third round. Body Burner chose Knowshon Moreno in the eighth, and he was criticized for it. Someone told him, “That pick was good for me.” I wish I could be in this league to steal everyone’s money.

8:18: Someone in that league picked the Seahawks in the fifth round. He said, “What am I supposed to do, pick some backup receiver?” Oh, and the buy-in for this league was $200. Wow.

8:22: Who’s this strange guy on the balcony? It would be pretty sweet if he jumped off and yelled “goodbye, cruel world!” That would be much more entertaining than Hines Ward singing.

8:25: More Body Burner fantasy hilarity: Someone chose Nick Foles with the final pick in the second round. BB asked, “Nick Foles?” The guy responded, “He’s my sixth-ranked quarterback.” Body Burner looked at the draft board and replied, “There were only three quarterbacks off the board…”

8:26: Whoa, super hot chick behind Dan Patrick. Maybe she should be the pre-game entertaining.

8:30: Isn’t it a bit silly to have two banners for 2013? Redundant, much?

8:36: Sorry for the delay. Two things happened: First, the pizza came. I ordered three pizzas and two orders of cheese fries. Second, Body Burner informed us that one guy we used to play poker with on occasion was arrested for raping little boyd. I’m dead serious.

8:37: Too much makeup on this girl.

8:40: Holy crap, did you know that the last time these teams met here, there was a bad call on a Hail Mary!? I had no idea!

8:41: Football is underway!

8:43: Eddie Lacy is a monster. As much as I loved him this year, I couldn’t land him in any league because I always drafted seventh or later.

8:45: Rodgers sacked on third down. My editor set the number of Rodgers sacks tonight at four. He went down eight times in the Fail Mary game.

8:48: I think I made a good decision by only inviting football-watchers tonight. Last year, people had conversations about vanilla pudding. players’ butts and Tom Cruise’s ball sack. I can actually watch the game now, so that’s nice.

8:50: Body Burner and Cory are joking that Percy Harvin only had headaches because he was in Minnesota. “If I had Brad Childress calling for Adrian Peterson runs on third-and-8, I’d have migraines too.”

8:51: Ruskell Wilkens almost picked. He could have ran for the first down.

8:52: Running into the punter. Derp dee derp.

8:54: On Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, we all agree that there should be a name-approval committee. “Ha Ha?” “No. Try again.”

8:55: Bad route by Doug Baldwin. Field goal upcoming.

8:56: The Reverend just said something I wanted to write. The Seahawks weren’t supposed to score anyway. Why not go for it? If they fail to convert, the ball would’ve been at that spot had there not been a special-teams penalty.

8:59: Ooohh, a Peyton Manning commercial. Didn’t know he was doing those.

9:01: The Biggest Loser. What a great show. The plot and character development are amazing.

9:03: No illegal contact penalties yet. Great news for Seattle.

9:04: Wow. Maybe Earl Thomas thought they eliminated the fair catch rule.

9:05: Why are Earl Thomas and Richard Sherman playing special teams?

9:07: Body Burner is looking up pictures of me on Google Images. The first picture that shows up is me in a beer pong costume for Halloween. That night was bad; I puked eight times.

9:08: Oh, Packers down to the 2.

9:10: John Kuhn fantasy owners rejoice!

Packers 7, Seahawks 3

9:11: Special teams are dominating this game. It would be scoreless if it wasn’t for those two plays.

9:14: No one wants to say anything about the black kid who jumped off a cliff to his demise? “Black people can’t swim,” as Body Burner pointed out.

9:17: The Seahawks are moving the ball despite being in a first-and-20 because of a hold. It’ll be nice to see how this game develops when there are no special-teams gaffes.

9:20: I have stock in GE, but I might sell it after that creepy commercial. What were they thinking? “Let’s have an ad for kids sleeping together so Jerry Sandusky and his buddies buy our product!”

9:22: Big gain by Percy Harvin! Seahawks in Packers’ territory.

9:23: Read-option touchdown!

Seahawks 10, Packers 7

9:24: Body Burner, who has Ruskell Wilkens in our fantasy touchdown league, just did a jig and threw his phone. Smart phones are worth $100 or six fantasy points, apparently.

9:25: I feel like all Corona commercials show people having fun at the beach, but none of those scenes look very fun.

9:27: The commissioner in our touchdown fantasy league has 25 passing yards worth .05 points. That’s one point per every 500 yards!

9:29: Wow, Bryan Bulaga and Richard Rodgers are down. Losing the former would be huge.

9:31: Mysteries of Laura looks like a promising show. Promising, as in NBC will cancel it in January instead of November.

9:34: There’s a flag on the Seahawks. That was legit. Packers in the red zone.

9:36: Incomplete to Jordy Nelson, who fell down. “That’s my vertical leap, falling down.” – Cory

Seahawks 10, Packers 10

9:39: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!?!?!? GO TO HANCOCK WEB SITE AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:40: Zach Miller now makes everyone aware that he’s still in the NFL. Awesome catch.

9:43: Marshawn Lynch looks awesome, but I’m still confident he’ll bust. He’s had too much of a workload over the years.

9:44: The entire room has laughed every time Al Michaels has said “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.”

9:45: Touchdown, Marshawn Lynch!

Seahawks 17, Packers 10

9:48: This is bad if Bryan Bulaga is out for a while. Richard Rodgers isn’t nearly as important.

9:50: More Body Burner fantasy hilarity: “One of the guys in the league was saying how we can start two tight ends. He said, ‘You can start Jeremy Graham or… what’s another good one… Jermichael Finley.'”

9:54: The Reverend, who sells helicopter parts for a living, just pointed out that the helicopter in that Seahawks’ commercial is actually called a “seahawk.” The more you know.

9:55: Marry Me commercial… Body Burner said it best: “That was gay.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)

9:57: Why didn’t Aaron Rodgers run for it? He could have easily gotten the first down. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to reward his fantasy owners.

10:00: First illegal contact of the game! Whichever degenerate bet the over on illegal contacts has to be sweating it out right now.

10:04: Why didn’t the Seahawks take a timeout there? They could have tried a Hail Mary from midfield. It would’ve been worth a shot.

10:06: There’s another great show, the Voice. That show leaves me hanging every week. You won’t beleive the plot twists. I’m having diarrhea just thinking about it.

10:08: I feel like I’ve said “ugh, I hate…” during the past several commercials. Ugh, I hate Jan. Ugh, I hate that circle face.

10:09: “I don’t think Cordarrelle Patterson can speak English.” – Body Burner

10:11: Body Burner continues to rant about Patterson. “If you’re the producer of that commercial, and you hear Cordarrelle Patterson say, ‘That’s horse radish,’ how are you OK with that?”

Cory chimes in: “That might have been his best take. What if he said, ‘That’s w480hwgw g jrgj re?'”

10:13: How is losing Wes Welker a “double blow?” He had a concussion and wasn’t even expected to play in this game anyway.

10:20: Bulaga’s done for the night, hopefully not much more.

10:23: By the way, pick up Josh Gordon in your league. Gordon might have his suspension reduced by Sunday. I already added him in one league.

10:26: Interception! Slightly ahead of the Packer wideout. Seahawks in the red zone.

10:28: Disappointing sequence for the Seahawks. Wilson almost picked again on another tip.

Seahawks 20, Packers 10

10:31: Why does McDonald’s even advertise? Is there anyone watching this and thinking, “Oh, what is that food with the M logo!? Let me go try it!” Waste of money.

10:35: Clutch conversion on third-and-12 to Randall Cobb. The Packers are going to start falling asleep soon, but Aaron Rodgers looks like he’s in the zone right now.

10:37: Phew, big pass break-up by Byron Maxwell.

10:38: Sacked by Cliff Avril on fourth down! Seattle takes over at midfield.

10:42: I wonder if Al Michaels is saying “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix” on purpose. He doesn’t have to say his entire name. He has to be amused by it.

10:45: Safety! Awesome play by Michael Bennett, beating Derek Sherrod.

Seahawks 22, Packers 10

10:48: Wow, Seattle’s already at midfield.

10:50: Body Burner points out that multi-million dollar running back Marshawn Lynch has simple rubber bands holding his hair together. “They’re probably $3,000 rubber bands.” – Cory

10:54: Body Burner is irate that his fantasy quarterback, Russell Wilson, slid down before scoring the touchdown. “THAT’S SIX POINTS YOU COST ME, F*** FACE!!!”

10:55: “If I was this guy playing golf, I would just beat her with the club. I’m trying to practice golf, you b***h!” There’s a Ray Rice joke in there, as Cory pointed out.

10:56: Touchdown, Marshawn Lynch. And this game is over.

Seahawks 29, Packers 10

10:59: These the Blacklist commercials piss me off. They’re all about James Spader, and he’s awesome in that show. However, every other character on it sucks. The writers are terrible; they need to cut everyone out and just make the show all about Spader’s character.

11:01: Oh nice, a commercial for Taken 15: My Stupid Wife Got Kidnapped Again Because She’s a Stupid B***h.

11:05: Looking at the stats, I’m surprised Aaron Rodgers is stuck at 163 yards. It feels like he should have more with some of his downfield throws.

11:08: Rodgers touchdown to Randall Cobb on what was a sleepy drive for Seattle. Going for two.

11:09: Two-pointer no good. Great news for Seattle bettors because there won’t be a backdoor cover.

11:14: Wow, huge penalty. Brad Jones is struggling tonight. Seattle drive continues.

11:15: Body Burner on Brad Jones: “He has a stupid horseshoe branded on his arm. Go play for the Colts, you stupid s**t.”

11:20: “No one cares, Hayward, you douche, you’re on defense, so you’re a second-class citizen.” – Body Burner

11:21: Someone help Ted Thompson, he’s having a stroke!

11:25: Ruskell Wilkens MVP canadate touched downs!!!

Seahawks 36, Packers 16

11:28: It’s not too late to start playing fantasy football! Umm… yeah, I guess it’s not, just don’t draft Seahawks or Packers.

11:30: Why the hell is ROdgers playing? Does Mike McCarthy think the Packers can score 20 points in two minutes? Matt Flynn should be in the game.

11:35: Rodgers almost picked. Again, there’s no reason he should be in the game right now.

11:36: Body Burner with a good point: They always say “he’s the first one in, last one out.” Does everyone show up at the same time?

11:37: The game is over, congrats to all Seattle and over bettors. Thanks for reading my incoherent thoughts.

I’ll have a game recap soon. Charlie’s 2015 NFL Mock Draft will be updated tomorrow morning. Also, make sure you enter the Survivor Pool (free entry, $350 prize).

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