superbowl48

Welcome to my eighth-annual Super Bowl Live Blog. I’ll be posting comments like this throughout the evening every few minutes. Keep refreshing this page if you want to check out what I think about the game, announcers, commercials, etc. I’ll post my first comment around 5:30ish with live feedback from people watching the game with me.

You can also discuss Super Bowl XLVIII in the Live In-Game Thread.

Follow @walterfootball for updates.

5:23: I was reading through last year’s Super Bowl blog, and I was alone at 5:30. I’m starting this now, and my girlfriend, Anti-Facebook Girl, is here making meatball sandwiches. Is she making me help? Well, I was standing around, and she said, “Walt, you’re in my kitchen.” Sweet, I don’t have to do anything.

5:25: “Walt, do you have an olive oil spray?” I just stared at her blankly. “Never mind.” What the hell is olive oil spray? And how can you spray oil?

5:27: I just posted my final thoughts on my NFL Picks page.

5:29: Definitely rooting for Seattle, and not just for betting purposes. Russell Wilson seems like such a better guy than Peyton Manning. I’ve heard some pretty awful things about Manning’s personality off the field. I won’t mention any of them, but I’ve had multiple people tell me that he’s a giant douche.

5:31: Some thoughts on the pre-game show:

1. My editor on Chris Myers: “OMG Chris Myers is so much worse with celebrities than Strahan. Chris Myers is just kind of wooden trying to talk to women.” Or maybe Chris Myers is getting wood trying to talk to women. Get it, wood, wooden?

2. I don’t know why they interviewed so many celebrities. I feel like celebrities mostly suck because most of them lack personality and aren’t interesting. The people gawking at them are worse though. Don’t those idiots have anything better to do?

3. I liked that Bill O’Reilly grilled Barack Obama, but did he really have to interrupt the president during every single answer? Obama was guilty of this as well, but to a much lesser degree. It was just annoying.

5:34: Ugh. Queen Latifah is singing America, the Beautiful. Go here for my rant on Queen Latifah.

5:36: Some funny quotes from Anti-Facebook Girl:

“Peyton Manning sounds like a douche.”

“Queen f***ing Latifah? She can’t even sing. … Well that’s not true, all black women can sing.”

5:42: Percy Harvin is 100 percent, according to Jay Glazer, meaning that he’ll last until the third quarter this time.

5:44: Some hate mail from below! “walt is an idiot. hes a jinx and will lose his pick of month.” See, that’s just lazy. If you want to bash me, say I’m not funny or something. My picks have been awesome this year, so saying I’m a jinx is kind of outdated.

5:48: “Sometimes I freak out when things are dirty, and Walt’s house is the perfect house to freak out at!” – AFG. It’s true. Nothing’s been cleaned in nearly half a year.

5:50: An exchange we just had:

AFG: There are Cocoa Puffs on the floor!

Me: Really, how many?

AFG: Three.

Me: Oh, that’s not bad!

5:52: The reading of the Declaration of Independence! Translation: Switch the channel to the Puppy Bowl.

5:54: Binton in the in-game forum thread: “Richard Sherman needs to bang the **** out of Erin Andrews. Shes so ****ing hot jesus.”

5:55: I think Andrew Luck can play Abraham Lincoln in the next Lincoln: Secret Werewolf movie.

5:56: Wow. I had no idea Art Shell was capable of speaking.

5:57: Michelle Obama looks sad that LeBron James isn’t around. It’s OK, Michelle, you can flirt with him next year after Miami wins again.

5:59: Forum member Conrad has the right idea: “Blah, blah, blah….stop with the patriotic **** and show Danica in something skimpy.”

6:02: This segment reminds me of Bart Simpson writing the same thing on the chalkboard over and over.

6:05: Two of my cousins (Paulina, Megan), my cousin-in-law Chris and some guy I’ve never seen before in a Ray Lewis jersey just walked into my living room. Should I be a bit concerned that a complete stranger wearing a jersey of a murderer is in my home?

6:09: @BlatantSkinsFan posted this funny picture on Twitter:

6:11: BOOOOOOOOO QUEEN LATIFAH YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:12: Do they really need a sign-language translator? What if the deaf people can’t see her because they’re too high up in the stands? How many deaf people can actually see her?

6:14: Two more people I don’t know just walked in. AFG told me that they’re the people who came over for Halloween, but I still don’t know who the hell they are.

6:15: I really hate this Play 60 douche kid. Cam Newton needs to kick his a** for disrespecting his mom.

6:17: There are like a dozen people in my house right now, yet my sister’s boyfriend and I are the only ones in front of the TV right now. Wait, he just left, so it’s only me.

6:20: Wow, Troy Aikman got a lot older really fast. Is the Troy Aikman Machine broken?

6:22: Why’s the singer’s arm in a sling? Is she OK?

6:23: No CGI tears from Knowshon Moreno. Disappointing.

6:28: Joe Namath is drunk!

6:29: Broncos to receive. Manning’s going to throw an 80-yard touchdown right away and make me look stupid for betting seven units against him.

6:30: BOOOOOOO PLAY 60 KID YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:32: Congrats on wasting $80 million on that commercial, Ford. I’m sure five people will buy the Ford Fusion.

6:33: Broncos out to the 14. Make it an 86-yard touchdown.

6:34: SAFETY!!!!

Seahawks 2, Broncos 0

6:35: JeremyCB29 on the forum: “I just hit my first score of the game will be a safety play…thanks walt!!” I don’t know what I did to deserve credit for that, but I’ll take it!

6:36: Marshawn Lynch for three yards. These gains will double by the second half if the Seahawks stick with them.

6:37: Percy Harvin for 30 yards!

6:38: Ugh, awful throw by Russell Wilson. Definitely has the jitters.

6:40: First down! Huge after that false start. Seahawks in the red zone.

6:42: Weird spot. Tough to win that, but it looked like Wilson got the first down.

6:44: This movie preview with the black kid narrating looks stupid.

6:45: Wow, crooked ref. How do you not rule that a first down?

6:46: Why do the Seahawks always get screwed in the Super Bowl? Why do NFL officials hate the city of Seattle? Are they that turned off by all the stupid hipsters?

6:50: The Seahawks have to be careful with these late hits. Roger Goodell already apparently ordered the refs to screw them over; they can’t give the zebras a legitimate reason to call a penalty.

6:51: Broncos go three and out. Sweet.

6:53: So this is what happened to Jesse Pinkman after Breaking Bad? Kinda cool.

6:56: Clutch catch by Golden Tate. John Fox should challenge it so the crooked refs can overturn it.

6:57: Funniest thing I’ve ever seen: Body Burner, who came in late, just ran into my house and rushed into my living room. He eagerly wanted to see what the score was, so when our mutual friend Pat extended his hand for Body Burner to shake it, Body Burner pushed him out of the way so he could sit down on the couch.

7:00: How could the two FOX guys even think that was intentional grounding? Luke Willson was right there. Derp.

7:01: Wilson has been so clutch on third down… but this penalty really hurts.

7:03: The Seahawks are doing too many dumb plays. What’s with these sideways passes? And it’s forward, by the way, they can’t overturn this.

7:06: Dumb challenge. I think Fox was pushing his luck with this officiating bias.

7:07: NOOOOO dropped touchdown!

Seahawks 8, Broncos 0

7:10: Hit the crossbar! That should push the Broncos back five yards or something.

7:11: Funny exchange:

Body Burner: Who wants to watch the Puppy Bowl downstairs?

My Cousin Steve: Yeah, me!

Body Burner: GET THE F*** OUT!

7:13: Peyton Manning interception! Seahawks take over in Denver territory. Shouts of “Peyton’s choking!” is coming from the Body Burner side of the couch.

7:15: The Broncos don’t have an answer for these Harvin runs. End of the first quarter. Awesome start for Seattle despite the zero touchdowns.

7:16: A Matvei text: “God is really taking stylish revenge on the Broncos for getting rid of Tebow.”

7:20: “The Seahawks need to stop their boring run, run, run offense when they get to the red zone – and now write down my clever commentary!” – Body Burner

7:21: Pass interference! Seahawks to the 1.

7:23: Lynch was in the first time, but it doesn’t matter! Touchdown, Seahawks!

Seahawks 15, Broncos 0

7:25: Poor Tebow. Is there any doubt he’d have the Broncos ahead right now?

7:27: Matvei text: “Also thinking the Broncos will schedule some games against the AP Top 25 teams next year.”

7:28: Ugh, hope Kam Chancellor is OK.

7:29: The Broncos are now resorting to their illegal pick plays because they can’t do anything else.

7:30: Denver just had their initial first down, 20 minutes into regulation. Crazy.

7:33: Clutch third-and-10 by Manning. I don’t know why the Seahawks blitzed there. They can get there with four.

7:34: More illegal picks by the Broncos! It’s amazing that Manning’s teams never get called for these offensive pass interferences.

7:35: “Walter, can you write a letter to the Seahawks concerning the fact that all of their players don’t have green shoes?” – Body Burner’s girlfriend Jamie.

7:37: Body Burner just proposed a four-way between himself, Jamie, AFG and me. AFG said “sure” and I high-fived BB. Jamie asked if this can happen during the Puppy Bowl. So, is this going to happen?

7:38: PICK-SIX!111111111111111111111111111111111

7:39: Awesome exchange:

AFG: They have a real hawk!

BB: They should show a sad Bronco next to the Hawk.

Seahawks 22, Broncos 0

7:41: Another BB-related exchange:

BB: I don’t want to see David Beckham in his underwear!

Random Chick: I do!

BB: I don’t care what you said, whoever you are!

7:42: Seahawks ball!!! Except he’s down booooo.

7:45: Runner was down by contact! Crooked ref alert!!!! Just kidding, he was really down. I think Manning scores here.

7:48: Two-minute warning, and the Broncos are in scoring range already. I figured they’d score here because the Seahawks wouldn’t be as intense now that they’re up 22-0.

7:49: There haven’t been any white people in this Coke commercial. Clearly racist.

7:50: Seattle fans: Jamie just announced that she’s naming her first child “12th Man.” I support this.

7:52: Broncos clearly intimidated by the 12th Man, Jamie’s unborn son.

7:54: Denver is going for it!

7:55: Turnover on downs! Still 22-0. So much for Denver scoring there.

7:58: Wow, halftime. Seahawks 22, Broncos 0. Seattle was always the better team, but I never thought it would be this one-sided.

8:08: Sorry, 10-minute break for food and bathroom. I already ate two meatball sandwiches and pasta, and now I have chips with buffalo chicken dip. I’ll be eating brownies and cookies after that. If I have a heart attack, you’ll know why.

8:10: I have an idea for future Super Bowl halftime shows: Instead of having crappy musicians sing, why not have cute animals running around? That way, people won’t be switching over to the Puppy Bowl. Plus, the cute animals would cater to the same crowd as the people who like music.

8:11: Some quotes about Bruno Mars:

“Why does he have weird hair?”

“Is that Bruno Mars?”

“Is that Ellen Degeneres?”

8:12: I’ll give you one guess who said that last one. More from BB: “They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for this halftime show.”

8:14: A Matvei text: “The only people happier than Seattle backers are all the Adderall sales reps who will be getting Super Bowl rings.”

8:17: Bruno Mars’ gay Mexican boyfriend has joined him on stage, apparently. How cute.

8:19: OK, so one of these shirtless people is named Flea. Typical Mexican name. And I think any parents should refrain from naming their kid “Flea,” or they’ll be relegated to a life of poverty and shirtless singing.

8:20: Bruno Mars’ gay Mexican boyfriend is gone, which is why he’s now singing a sad song.

8:23: Just looked at the second-half line. I’d definitely lean Broncos -6.5, but not enough to bet it. It’s a nice middling opportunity though.

8:25: The Cheesesteak Shuffle! This is really going to catch on, you guys.

8:27: The Leon Sandcastle promos were the highlight of last spring. Now, Jerry Ricecake! How exciting! (I think my sarcasm meter is going to shatter.

8:28: My (other) friend Pat: “I have a feeling Bruno Mars has seen a c**k up close on several occasions.”

8:30: Second half about to start. If the Broncos come back and win, may they score only 24.

8:31: PERCY HARVIN TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:32: People here are cheering.

Jamie (shouting): “RICHARD SHEEERMANNNN!”

BB: That’s Percy Harvin…

Seahawks 29, Broncos 0

8:35: Some Erin Andrews analysis:

Polina: She has a big nose.

Jackie: I like her hair and her jacket.

Polina: I like her jacket too.

BB: I like her boobs.

8:37: Jamie: “Walter, if you’re going to have sex with only one football player in the NHL, who would it be?” I don’t even know how to answer that.

8:38: RICHARD SHERMAN IS HURT!

8:40: 24 is coming back! You have no idea how happy I am.

8:42: That’s like the 20th offensive pass interference the Broncos have gotten away with.

8:44: Another failed drive. Four touchdowns with a two-pointer is still possible, but to state the obvious, time is running out.

8:46: “Not that I never bought Axe before, but I’m never buying Axe again.” – Body Burner.

8:49: My sister just asked me what happens if players have to take a s*** during the game. This is what happens when the Super Bowl is a blowout.

8:51: Via Facebook: My cousin’s mom walked into the room and asked her son if he’s watching baseball right now. Again, this is what happens in a blowout.

8:54: Body Burner: “Do you think John Elway will hang himself after the game?” For trading Tebow for this? Absolutely.

8:55: FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:57: I have now moved on to my cookies and brownies. Good God I’m going to gain 20 pounds tonight, but I don’t care.

9:01: I have no idea who the MVP is going to be. Like, really. I can’t even come up with one name. BB had the best suggestion: “They should make the whole defense MVP.”

9:02: Holy crap, what a play by Jermaine Kearse.

Seahawks 36, Broncos 0

9:03: “That’s terrible defense.” – Troy Aikman. Ladies and gentlemen, the Troy Aikman Machine!

9:05: “Look, there’s an Asian woman in the Seattle box. It’s the team dry cleaner!” – Body Burner. That was too racist not to post.

9:11: Broncos score. The game is still in doubt.

Seahawks 36, Broncos 8

9:16: Onside kick fail. Anyway, I have to tell you a story my cousin Steve just told me. He owns a cleaning company, and an employee of his quit after 12 years – via text. “Sorry, short notice, but I can’t work for you anymore. I have to fly away!” What a b****.

9:17: People are making fun of me, calling me “third-world gross.”

“Walt, I’ve seen food on your dining room table in mid-December from a Halloween party.” – Body Burner

“I found cake with mold on it, and 3-year-old ice cream in his freezer!” – AFG

9:19: Sacre bleu, Paris Lenon is down, haw haw haw. Sorry, it’s a blowout so I’m running out of jokes.

9:20: Coke with the worst and most racist commercials tonight. Crappy job by them, unless they were going for worst and racist.

9:23: Touchdown, Seahawks! Game is officially over.

Seahawks 43, Broncos 8

9:25: Well, the media was right all week. This game solidified Peyton Manning’s legacy.

9:28: “Walter, do you think the other team is hitting Richard Sherman because he’s so beautiful?” – Jamie

9:29: Anyway, Peyton Manning will go down as the best regular-season quarterback of all time, but his legacy will be that of a choker. Sure, he won a Super Bowl, but if the Bears had a competent quarterback (and not the crappy Rex Grossman), they would’ve defeated him. Manning will always be known for struggling in the clutch unless he eventually wins another Super Bowl legitimately.

9:32: Sherman is limping off. Do the Seahawks have a chance?

9:34: You know what? I think you give the MVP to Russell Wilson. He’s thrown for just 206 yards, but he fired just six incompletions and was so clutch on third down.

9:37: 24 IS COMING BACK MAY 5 OMG OMG MAY 5 OMG OMG OMG MAY 5 OMG OMG OMG MAY 5 OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OGMOGOGMGOROGORGOEPRGJRWPJPG

9:42: “Look at Eli Manning! He’s secretly there thinking “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!” – Jamie

9:45: My Asian friend Not Asian Guy walked into my house and said, “Are the Broncos winning?” When he saw the score, the look on his face was priceless.

9:47: And another Peyton Manning turnover. A fitting way to end the game.

9:49: Tarvaris Jackson is playing in a Super Bowl. I think Hell has frozen over.

9:50: Brock Osweiler should go in. No reason for Peyton to embarrass himself any further.

9:51: Awww, Pete Carroll and Percy Harvin were going to kiss. “Hey Coach, you like my purple earrangs!?” – Body Burner

9:53: Tosh was right. American Idol hasn’t been the same since that fat guy won… Kelly Clarkson.

9:54: Not Asian Guy seems overly excited about the Gatorade color. He lost money on the Broncos, but at least he secured that prop.

9:56: Uh oh… yellow Gatorade. Not Asian Guy looks pissed.

9:58: Congratulations to the Seahawks for winning Super Bowl XLVIII, 43-8, and anyone who bet them! And thanks for reading my incoherent thoughts. I’ll have a recap of the game later and a 2014 NFL Mock Draft update early in the week. Follow @walterfootball for updates.