2013 Hall of Fame Game Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2013 Hall of Fame Game Live Blog – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Dolphins-Cowboys game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. I might even have some special guests. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Sunday evening, so I hope you join me for the first NFL game in six months. Football’s back.

Also, you can discuss the Dolphins-Cowboys game in the Live In-Game Thread on the forums.

3:20: I’ll be on right before the game to start this off! In the meantime, here are eight posts from last year’s blog with some analysis.

1. OK, I piled up leftover macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, meatballs and pulled pork onto one giant plate and ate all of it at the same time. If I stop writing this live blog at some point, I either went to the bathroom or suffered a heart attack.

I definitely took a monstrous dump later than night, but I did not have to go to the hospital at all. This meal is quite the change from what I’m having this year, which will probably be Saladworks.

Hey, in my defense, there are cute girls who work at Saldworks. That’s the No. 1 reason I go there.

2. According to Deion Sanders, Sean Payton is Drew Brees’ “confident.”

I’m pretty confidant that Deion did not improve his grammar this offseason.

3. My dog is here and he just tried eating my eraser. What goes through dogs’ minds when they do these things? “NOM NOM NOM ERASER LOOKS TASTY NOM NOM NOM.” Doesn’t make much sense.

My dog was semi-in shape a year ago. He now is 25 pounds overweight. Hey, in his defense, it’s very difficult to burn off eraser carbs.

4. Kolb hurt. It was bound to happen anyway.

Twelve months later, and Kevin Kolb is still a wuss. Seriously, what were his people thinking by leaving a wet mat around him? Don’t they know that Kolb is too fragile to be surrounded by wet mats and pointy objects?

5. Ugh, this ref doesn’t know which direction to point. Can we get the real officials back, please?

6. A receiver in the area? You mean area code? How was there a receiver in the area? This bogus ref has missed two intentional groundings and a safety.

Ah, replacement refs, I miss you so. Remember the log of blunders made by the NFL replacement officials I used to run? Good times.

7. I don’t believe that Joseph Morgan went to Walsh University. Sounds fake. It’s like when Eric Matthews on Boy Meets World claimed he was accepted to Boris College. Boris College sounds more real than Walsh University.

Is anyone more excited for Girl Meets World than me? I’m going to DVR the series and watch each episode three times.

8. Body Burner and I are discussing how the hell Curtis Martin made it to the Hall of Fame before Cris Carter. It makes no sense.

And Cris Carter finally gets in! It’s about damn time. I’m sure Viking fans will be eagerly awaiting his interview tonight. Meanwhile, I’ll be eagerly awaiting the opportunity to make Steve Urkel-related jokes at Carter’s expense. That’s how we roll on these live blogs.

8:00: FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!! Sort of.

8:01: What was that America’s Got Talent POS show that was on before this? Why were those two black guys going crazy? Everyone knows black guys have talent. They shouldn’t have been so excited about this.

8:02: Clov on the forum: “My wife just asked me if Monte Kiffin is who the Cowboys are playing at QB tonight.” I’ll have a great video of a chick explaining the rules of football for you soon.

8:03: How was Bill Parcells not in the Hall of Fame already?

8:04: Al Michaels: “It’s a new season, so anything is possible! Meanwhile, the Dallas Cowboys will continue to be choking dogs in Week 17.”

8:06: I love these Geico lizard commercials. They’re so original that it feels like I’m watching a brand new ad each time.

8:08: Something tells me that Genesis isn’t really that hot chick’s name. Unless it’s her stripper name, of course.

8:09: On a related note, it’d be awesome if one of those women went, “What do I want? A fat guy with lots of hair on his back. Hubba, hubba.”

8:10: Football’s back (sort of), and what’s the top trending item on Twitter? Justin Bieber. It amazes me to no end that so many people are infatuated with annoying lesbians. Bieber, Rosie O’Donnell… why?

8:11: Cowboys to the 17!

8:12: No Tony Romo, no Dez Bryant, no DeMarco Murray… and no neckbeard on Captain Neckbeard. I guess this is why Justin Bieber is trending instead of football.

8:13: Dante Rosario to the 40.

8:14: Lance Dunbar is looking good. Three carries, 22 yards.

8:15: People are saying the Dolphins have new jerseys. I don’t see it. They look the same to me. They obviously have a new whale logo, but the jerseys are identical to what they were before.

8:16: Booooooooooo!!! Orton would’ve completed that pass had he not shaved his neckbeard.

8:17: “Wheeler’s been a** in coverage. Let Rosario beat him on a seam pass and missed a tackle on a checkdown to Dunbar.” – Pheltz on the forum. Hooray for one of the Dolphins’ high-priced signings. Just wait until Mike Wallace starts sucking!

8:18: FUUUMMMBBBLLEEE!!! Lamar Miller, not a good sign.

8:21: Forum member Clov just pointed out that the chick from the commercial’s name is actually Genesis. It’s Genesis Rodriguez. You can see pictures of her in her underwear here. Thank Clov while you’re grabbing some tissues.

8:22: Pass interference on third-round rookie Will Davis. He didn’t even look back.

8:23: The Dolphins don’t look prepared to play this game. Not that it’s a huge deal because it’s only the Hall of Fame Game, but still.

8:24: Touchdown, Phillip Tanner!

Cowboys 7, Dolphins 0

8:25: Good thing the Cowboys removed Kyle Orton from the game. Their season would be lost in the event of an injury.

8:26: Why in the hell does AT&T continue to run these commercials? Don’t they realize it’s weird to have some pervy dude talking to kids? I ran a Jerks of the Week entry on the It’s Not Complicated commercials.

8:29: NBC’s “family of comedy” is a pretty dysfunctional, trailer-park trash family. Seriously, NBC cancels everything. Not much of a family.

8:30: Lamar Miller redeems himself against the Dallas backups.

8:31: Thank God this isn’t last year. The replacement refs would’ve ruled that a fumble and then spent 15 minutes looking at the replay. And then the play would’ve stood.

8:34: Can’t believe Jake Long whiffed on that block. Oh, wait…

8:35: I didn’t see these speeches because I was at a wedding last night. Looking at it now, I’m disappointed that NBC didn’t show the part where Cris Carter broke Carl Winslow’s coffee table.

8:37: Hearing Carter talk is like nails on a chalkboard. Pressing the mute button now.

8:41: I’m seeing that Carter said that he made sweet love to Cris Collinsworth last night. What the hell did I miss by pressing mute?

8:43: Can’t believe Branden Albert whiffed on that block. Oh, wait…

8:44: Tannehill’s night is over. He went 2-of-5 for 11 yards against the Dallas second-string defense. Tannehill didn’t have Mike Wallace or Brian Hartline, so it’s hard to judge. Still, the pass protection looks like a big issue because Jonathan Martin can’t move.

8:47: No surprise Matt Moore is constantly targeting Michael Egnew. Egnew is going to be a Hall of Famer one day. Just you wait.

8:49: Brandon Fields has clearly never played Madden. Coffin-corner kick, bro.

8:50: Wait, Dallas’ quarterback is Nick Stephens? I thought this was Stephen McGee.

8:53: I love NBC’s message: “Let’s go to an interview because this game is so meaningless!” Way to give us incentive to watch, NBC.

8:54: Wait, is Nick Stephens really Stephen McGee? Did he change his name? They look the same.

8:55: Wow, Nick Stephens McGee with an awesome throw to Anthony Armstrong.

8:56: Tarleton State? Yeah, OK. And Dallas’ fourth-stringer went to Boris College with Eric Matthews.

8:58: Umm… Phillip Tanner looks freaking awesome.

8:59: Stephens McGee underthrew that one. Then, he has terrible pocket awareness and takes a loss of yardage in field-goal range. Terrible.

9:00: Can’t believe the Jaguars drafted a right tackle over Dion Jordan. Terrible. Oh, and field goal is still good.

Cowboys 10, Dolphins 0

9:02: The MILF in this kids’ football team commercial is pretty damn hot, but it’s depressing that she’s just driving kids around instead of doing something that’s actually productive (like Genesis Rodriguez’s picture-posing).

9:03: NBC pulling the commercial-kickoff-commercial gimmick. Awesome.

9:05: I can’t decide if Blacklist is any good. What is certain is that NBC will cancel it by March. Because that’s what NBC does.

9:06: R.I.P. Art Donovan.

9:08: Big gain by someone named Bumphis. This is not fair. Why does Matt Moore get to play the entire half, while Kyle Orton played just one series? It’s like Jason Garrett doesn’t want me to win money. What a selfish dick.

9:09: Premier League on NBC. Look for that to be canceled in March as well.

9:11: Pick-six! DeVonte Holloman takes it back 75 yards thanks to a Bumphis tip.

Cowboys 17, Dolphins 0

9:16: Jerry Jones popcorn notes:

1. I’m glad to see he’s doing financially well enough to buy two boxes of popcorn.

2. I wonder if Jerry choked on all the popcorn he stuffed into his mouth when Holloman took that touchdown back.

3. Perhaps Jerry should hide the popcorn from Tony Romo in a big Week 17 game.

9:17: Warren Sapp and Cris Carter conspicuously have the same speaking problem today. I wonder what sort of fun they had with Cris Collinsworth last night.

9:18: Speaking of Sapp talking about Tampa, that city is nuts. I went there on vacation. You can read about my adventures in Jerks of the Week. Part Four of my Tampa Trilogy will be posted later tonight.

9:21: This Bumphis person is having an eventful first half. I may just have to learn his first name soon.

9:22: I’m master debating whether or not to microwave myself a chicken club sandwich. I already had some salad and soup earlier, but I fear it wasn’t enough. On one hand, I know I won’t be hungry. On the other hand, I barely worked out this week because I was down the shore, so I feel like I shouldn’t each much. But on the first hand, NOM NOM NOM.

9:24: Oh, great. NBC is moving Revolution to a new night. Translation: Viewers will forget what night that show’s on, so ratings will decline. Revolution will be canceled by March as well.

9:26: Wow, terrible sack by Matt Moore. You have to throw that away.

9:29: Field goal good. Still plenty of time for Jason Garrett to blow this cover.

Cowboys 17, Dolphins 3

9:32: Why didn’t the Cowboys just run it out? Now the Dolphins can call a timeout and get the ball back for another score.

9:33: Nice game management by Jason Garrett. It’s a good thing he’s not calling the plays anymore.

9:37: Matt Moore sees Garrett’s bad game management and raises a pass that’s not thrown near the sideline. As a football writer who likes to make fun of people, I’m a huge fan of this ineptness.

9:39: These Honda Twitter commercials are embarrassing. It’s so obvious these losers have never used Twitter before. Plus, seeing that ad doesn’t make me want to buy any Hondas. Probably because I already own one, but still.

9:47: I used to like Mindy Kaling, but everything changed when she and Ryan abandoned that baby at the wedding. I’ve never forgive her for that.

9:49: Ugh, poor kid. He looks so miserable shopping for back-to-school stuff. Like he gives a damn that his fat mom saved 11 percent so she can buy more cheeseburgers for herself.

9:50: Tony Dungy is talking up this Cover-2, but the Cowboys are going to get obliterated by the Redskins. Their Cover-2 stands no chance against the read-option.

9:51: Oh, we’re starting the third quarter already?

9:53: Dallas Thomas is having a rough night. He was just thrown around by George Selvie.

9:54: There’s a second Monmouth school? That’s bulls***. What’s next, a Penn State in Illinois?

9:56: Maybe Alex Tanney should try those trick shots with pass-rushers in his face.

10:00: Kids across America won’t be trying this tomorrow because they actually have access to YouTube and have seen it already.

10:01: Incomplete pass. Wait, give Alex Tanney two more takes! He can get it to Tim Benford eventually!

10:02: First timeout the Cowboys have wasted. I guess that’s an improvement over last year.

10:05: See, these Cowboy punters have played Madden before. I feel like anyone who plays Madden can become a punter with a bit of practice.

10:07: I’m not going to see Oblivion. If these movie studios can’t figure out that Tom Cruise no longer deserves to be a lead actor, then I see no reason to give them any of my time or money.

10:09: This old black guy is hilarious. “People will soon forget championships.” “Jim Brown is equal to me.” “This is the best day ever, maybe marrying my wife and maybe seeing the birth of my kids.”

10:14: Dolphins going for it on fourth down!

10:15: Bumphis with a big catch… but he could be short. If he gets it, I’ll look up his name. If not, I’ll continue not to care.

10:16: Turnover on downs! Bumphis will continue to be just Bumphis. Maybe he’s Brazilian and his only name is Bumphis. That would be rather convenient.

10:18: Sean may save the world, but he can’t possibly save NBC’s crappy ratings.

10:20: Joseph Randle looked crappy at first, but he’s had some nice runs recently. Still though, I don’t think enough has happened to move him up the depth chart. Phillip Tanner going Beast Mode didn’t help his cause.

10:22: End of the third quarter. Still plenty of time for Garrett to blow this.

10:28: Oh my God. Forget what I said about the Dallas punters. That kick went like 10 yards. The worst punt I’ve ever seen occurred in a high school game of mine. The team’s punter was so bad that he booted the ball straight up into the air. The wind was strong, so it blew the ball backward. The punt went for a net loss of like 14 yards.

10:29: Three reasons not to watch Blacklist:

1. NBC will do a poor job of promoting it, so it’ll get canceled.

2. It looks like a procedural, and those are super boring.

3. Even if the ratings are good, NBC will sign its death warrant by moving it to a new night.

10:30: Wow, Mike Sherman looks like he’s aged 40 years since he was the Packers’ head coach.

10:34: Going for it again!

10:35: Noooooo, the Dolphins scored. Pat Devlin to Keenan Davis.

Cowboys 17, Dolphins 10

10:36: I told you there was plenty of time for Garrett to blow this. The good news is that the Dolphins will go for two if they score again because they won’t want to take this game to overtime.

10:40: Jerry Jones now with three bottles of water to counter the sodium from his two pop corn boxes.

10:42: Larry Allen says he had a rough life – five middle schools, four high schools – but he had a damn pool that he was able to jump into. I’m sorry, but anyone who has a pool doesn’t have a rough life.

10:43: Dolphins already have the ball at midfield. See? I told you Garrett would blow this. My betting year has to begin with a bad beat. It’s only natural.

10:48: Going for it again! And of course, Garrett is caught unawares and needs to burn another timeout.

10:49: I feel like the movie company that made You’re Next should’ve entitled the film Your Next to troll all of the grammar nazis.

10:50: Ugh. Keenan Davis again. The Dolphins are destined to screw me out of money, it seems.

10:51: Oh, I get it. The Dolphins have a different font on their jerseys. Cool!

10:53: Field goal? What is this? Why not go for it again, since, you know, you’ve been doing that the entire second half?

Cowboys 17, Dolphins 13

10:55: I don’t know about you, but this Premier League show seems like the best addition to NBC’s Family of Comedy.

10:56: I guess running out of bounds and keeping the game clock running wasn’t part of Tanney’s trick-shot video.

10:58: No first down. The crappy Cowboys’ punter is going to boot it out of bounds, and the Dolphins will score.

11:00: Since NBC gave Rotoworld its own commercial, I think FOX Sports should promote my Web site. Steelers_Pens_Fan with a good idea:

Do you like discussions about hot girls, Game of Thrones, food, alcohol, fat Russian guys at a pool, Emmitt Smith, and muscular forum members supporting what may be murderers? Then do we have a website for YOU!

11:01: Another fourth down!

11:02: Finally, a stop! Great tackle by Micah Pellerin.

11:04: Wow, that deep bomb from Tanney to Darrell Green’s son was not expected at all.

11:05: Touchdown, Cowboys! The Dolphins gave up after that bomb.

Cowboys 24, Dolphins 13

11:07: In closing, I think I’ll watch Blacklist. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I always fall for NBC airing these good shows and then getting rid of them because they expect unrealistic ratings in an age of DVD buying and DVR watching. What I’m looking forward to most though is Premier League. That looks hilarious.

11:10: Why is Matt Moore in the game? Do the Dolphins want to win that badly?

11:11: Oh, Chad Bumphis. He should’ve just went with Bumphis.

11:14: Touchdown… uh oh…

Cowboys 24, Dolphins 20

11:16: It’s amusing how Matt Moore was able to look like Joe Montana against these practice-squad scrubs.

11:17: You’re not allowed to slap the ball on an onside kick? What if it was unintentional?

11:18: I don’t know about you, but that looked damn unintentional. How did the refs miss that!?!?

11:19: Game over! Thank the gods Garrett didn’t blow this. It’s a freaking miracle.

11:20: The two major take-aways from this game were the Dolphins’ inability to block anyone, including George Selvie, and Joseph Randle has his work cut out for him to be relevant in fantasy football. Phillip Tanner was a monster.

11:21: Thanks for reading my incoherent thoughts! I’ll have 2013 Fantasy Football Rankings updated later tonight.

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