2015 NFL Kickoff Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2015 NFL Kickoff Live Blog – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Patriots-Steelers game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football’s back.

Feel free to post your thoughts in the comments below.

7:40: I won’t be posting too much before 8 because I’m trying to eat dinner, but I don’t get why NBC continues to show stupid concerts prior to football games. Do they really think football fans want to see this crap? Us football fans don’t like music. We like hot chicks, beer and football. Show that. Not some losers singing about San Francisco.

7:43: Also, what’s up with the black woman on stage holding a shake weight? Is she trying to work out while performing on stage? Talk about multi-tasking!

7:45: “Not Peyton! Brady!” Oh, Bob Costas, you so funny!

7:47: I thought Costas was going to say, “Goodell acts as judge, jury and executioner.” Off with your head, Tom Brady!

7:48: Costas giving us another lecture. Awesome. I’d rather listen to someone farting on TV for five minutes in a row. Not joking.

7:51: Let’s see what NFL agents told Mike Florio what to say today. Should be exciting.

7:52: Is it just me, or does Dan Patrick look like Roger Sterling with those glasses? Awesome look!

7:53: My girlfriend made me tacos tonight. She’s great. She’ll be watching the game with me tonight. My friend Body Burner was supposed to join me, but he told me that something came up tonight. That confused me. What’s more important than football right now?

7:55: A 5K? How can anyone run a 5K? I can’t even run 5.

7:57: Antonio Brown might be the best receiver in the NFL, but he has the worst haircut in mankind.

7:58: Hubris from a receiver? Wow! That’s crazy! These guys are usually so humble!

7:59: By the way, I posted my final thoughts on my NFL Picks page.

8:00: My girlfriend is making me doubt my Survivor Pick. “You really think they’re going to win? With all that’s going on? Tom Brady’s going through a divorce.”

BET THE HOUSE ON THE STEELERS!!!

8:03: Some guy who sends me hate mail from time to time just told me to bet the Patriots. I’m totally going to send him hate mail if he’s wrong.

8:05: I think we can all agree that if Antonio Brown jump-kicks someone again, it’ll be a good night.

8:07: Is Tony Dungy really anxious about how Julian Edelman will play tonight? Like, are his palms sweating, and is he taking pills for this?

8:10: I can actually see J.J. Watt chopping wood in a forest by himself. But why is he wearing his jersey? Makes no sense.

8:12: Oh, great, more music. Just what football fans want to see. And making matters worse, this chick’s voice sounds like she’s having diarrhea.

8:13: Looks like the black chick put down the shake weight. She must have read that I was criticizing her in my live blog.

8:14: Uh-oh, Diarrhea Songstress just grabbed a guitar! This show just got real!

8:18: Just ate three tacos. “Want another taco?” my girlfriend asked. What kind of a question is that!?

8:20: I might be one of the slowest eaters of all time, but I can eat anything. I’m like a fish. I can keep stuffing my mouth until I either puke, pass out or s*** myself. I hate to brag like this, but I am awesome at eating food.

8:23: Another offseason has passed, and yet Rob Gronkowski still struggles to put a single sentence together.

8:25: GRONK SAY WE TOP DOG BABY. TOP DOG BABY.

8:28: Fourth taco finished. It took me 10 minutes. I told you, I’m the slowest eater of all time.

8:29: I asked for a fifth taco, but we’re out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

8:30: T-Pain? Are they both T-Pain? Or is just one T-Pain? If so, is T-Pain a first name or a surname? If not, is one T and the other one Pain?

8:32: See, if I were running this, I would’ve had Tom Brady carrying that fourth Lombardi in one hand a deflated football in the other. Might as well own up to the cheating.

8:36: What if Bill Belichick happened to start Jimmy Garoppolo instead of Brady? Seems crazy, but that would be the Belichick thing to do.

8:37: “I have never met that happy of a Subway customer. All of them hate their lives, and none of them speak English.” – my girlfriend. So true. I doubt they’d even try to have a conversation for fear of being deported.

8:38: On Grace Potter: “What the f*** is on her dress?”

8:40: Not a bad national anthem. Then again, anything would’ve sounded good following Diarrhea Songstress.

8:41: So, these bums have to protect “the franchise?” Is that still Brady? Or is it Garoppolo? Or maybe Belichick? What if they just stood in front of Belichick while the team was on offense?

8:42: DeAngelo Williams for 18 yards. Can the Patriots still re-sign Vince Wilfork?

8:43: Antonio Brown for nine yards. I was nervous there; I have him in like every single money league I’m in.

8:44: The Steelers are gaining like 10 yards per play. Not good for the Patriots’ defense.

8:45: Another 10 yards! This is absurd.

8:46: That was dumb. Leave it to Turd Haley to try a trick play when his offense is ripping off 10 yards per play.

8:47: Dominique Easley is down. New England’s defense sucks, so it can’t afford to lose a promising play-maker.

8:49: Girlfriend on Belichick: “What a douche. Hewhewhew he’s my trophy!” I was more focused on Tom Brady’s strange No. 5 shirt.

8:50: More on Belichick: “He looks fatter.” Maybe he didn’t defend Brady this offseason because he was too busy eating.

8:51: Josh Scobee way wide right. Nice trade, Steelers!

8:52: “I’m bored. Can we turn this off?”

8:53: “I hate you! Stop typing everything I say!”

8:54: Brady’s first pass is complete to Julian Edelman. Not bad so far with the inflated footballs.

8:55: Why did Nate Solder get into it with Jarvis Jones? All Solder has to do is remind Jones how much of a first-round bust he is.

8:56: Dion Lewis – top five in my Fantasy Football Sleepers list!

8:57: Too much air in that ball to hit Danny Amendola. “I don’t think he’s in it.”

8:58: “Maybe Gisele is leaving him. She looks like a horse.” Agreed. And I also concur with Matvei, who said that she looks like a man. Don’t get her appeal at all.

8:59: What’s with the check mark next to the Verizon logo now? Looks stupid, like some teacher graded it.

9:00: HEROES REBOWENR IRGRIGWRIGJ 0RE JGREI GJRI ISH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:01: Belichick looks SOOOO weird with a Microsoft Surface.

9:02: Holy crap, how did Antonio Brown catch that?

9:03: Speaking of crap, my dog keeps farting, and it smells like rotten eggs. Maybe he read what I wrote about upgrading Bob Costas.

9:04: It feels like every time I bet against the Steelers, Roethlisberger somehow gets out of a sack like that. When I bet on him, he goes down.

9:05: Horrible spot here. Should be fourth-and-inches instead of fourth-and-1, but the Steelers would punt anyway.

9:07: The Patriots whistled for the most obvious block in the back of all time. How these players never learn not to block in the back is beyond me. If I were a special teams coach, I’d threaten to tow a player’s car if he gets flagged for blocking in the back. It’s really mind-boggling how this still keeps going on.

9:10: A text from Matvei: “Amazing to hear Belichick’s response to cheating expose: jamming the Steelers’ headsets with a radio feed of the broadcasting team! He should change his name to Kim Jong Bill.”

9:13: End of the first quarter. I need to mention that I hate the new Twitter setup in terms of trends. Everything is a dumb hashtag now. I used to know the news based on what was trending, but not anymore. Now it’s B.S. like #IsAGuiltyPleasure and #PaigevsSasha and #afterseptmber11 and #OffAndOn. What is this s***. F*** you, Twitter.

9:15: Ha! Belichick’s plan backfired. Nice try, Bill.

9:18: How did the Steelers not renew Dick LeBeau’s contract? He was one of the only reasons the defense wasn’t epically awful last year.

9:19: Man, this Pittsburgh defense is horrible. Touchdown, Brady to Gronk.

Patriots 7, Steelers 0

9:21: Missed tackles, miscommunications… they could really use LeBeau right now, and he wouldn’t even help all that much – if that makes any sense.

9:23: If a kickoff goes through the uprights, it should be worth one point. Hey, that may sound stupid, but it’s better than the dumb new extra point rule.

9:25: Has Luke McCown ever gotten this much exposure? I’m sure his mom didn’t even know who he was before these Verizon commercials.

9:26: How do you not see Gronkowski? If it weren’t for the Redskins, the Steelers just might have the worst defense in the NFL.

9:27: LOL. I literally laughed out loud. Darrius Heyward-Bey!?

9:28: Darius… Heywahd…Bay… is a… great… playa…

9:29: The public had the Patriots -7 tonight, and so did Josh Scobee, apparently. Now 0-for-2.

9:31: Blind Spot may look good, but let me warn you. First, this is going to be a dumb procedural, where they delve into one of her tattoos each episode. Second, NBC is broadcasting it, meaning it’ll be off the air by November.

9:34: I hope the Patriots keep pouring it on like this and win by like 30. They’re going to be a great fade next week against a better Buffalo team.

9:36: Edelman sure is talking a lot of trash for a short dude. Don’t think he’d be doing this in real life if he didn’t have helmet and pads on.

9:37: The second-worst defense in the NFL cannot stop Gronkowski.

Patriots 14, Steelers 0

9:38: Why do I feel like Josh Scobee would’ve missed that extra point? Nothing going well for the Steelers tonight, who will be a bet-on team once Le’Veon Bell comes back.

9:39: I don’t get these hiking idiots. They hike just to drink Michelob Ultra? Why not just go to the bar?

9:41: So, my site developer just told me that the site should look better in mobile. Please let me know if there are any issues.

9:43: There’s another issue for the Steelers: Every time they have momentum going, they shoot themselves in the foot, whether it’s a dumb trick play, or a hold, or an illegal formation, or a missed kick. Brutal night.

9:45: “Antonio Brown? Is that the guy with the hair? He seems like a dick.” Maybe so, but if he produces for me, I’ll be rolling in fantasy winnings.

9:46: And my dog just headbutted my girlfriend. You know, they say all these things about animal abuse, but what about when your animal abuses you? It’s not fair!

9:49: Markus Wheaton drops a ball, albeit on a diving attempt. Have to go for it, right? Josh Scobee can’t make it.

9:51: It’d be cool if they showed Tom Brady deflating footballs in that Under Armour commercial. Just saying.

9:52: Weird running play by the Steelers. Nice one, Turd Haley.

9:53: Darrius Heyward-Bey might be a great playa, but he needs to work on staying inbounds. That’s just absurd. How many blown opportunities is that tonight?

9:54: My editor: “That’s the most DHB play ever.”

9:55: Scobee coming on to miss another field goal.

9:56: Scobee hits a field goal! It’s a miracle!

Patriots 14, Steelers 3

9:58: It’s halftime. The Steelers are outgaining the Patriots, 212-200, yet are losing by 11 because of horrible mistakes on offense and poor play on defense.

10:05: Just saw a post on my Facebook wall, asking if I feel stupid about Brady. Umm… why would I? I had him at 300 yards and two touchdowns tonight. Pittsburgh’s defense is just that bad. I called it Brady’s last hurrah, and I’m loving that this mirage will allow us to fade New England going forward.

10:08: Like, really, I actually wrote Brady would play well tonight. How would I be remotely wrong about anything right now?

10:09: I’m only mad that we didn’t get to take advantage of both teams this week. The Patriots and Steelers are two of the most overrated teams in the league right now. Sucks that they had to play each other.

10:10: At any rate, I miss John Madden. He doesn’t even seem like a real person anymore because we haven’t seen/heard him in so long. It’s almost like he’s some kind of football deity.

10:11: Hey, look, Josh Scobee did something good!

10:12: Let’s see what adjustments Dick LeBeau makes during half… uhh… never mind.

10:14: Now, Dion Lewis is ripping off 10-yarders. This is just embarrassing. What happened to the Steel Curtain?

10:17: Cortez Allen pass interference… would someone tell the Steelers that drafting cornerbacks in the first round is OK?

10:18: Touchdown to Scott Chandler. Nice one, Steelers.

Patriots 21, Steelers 3

10:19: Yeah, because the Internet and I3 – whatever the hell that is – are of the same importance.

10:24: DeAngelo Williams definitely does look great. It’s shocking. Maybe Carolina’s offensive line was just that bad.

10:27: Steelers suddenly at the 1-yard line. If the trend keeps going, they’ll find some way to screw things up.

10:28: So, the Steelers have Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown and Markus Wheaton, and yet they go with some guy named Will Johnson? Well, it worked!

10:29: Now, let’s see if Scobee hits this extra point.

10:30: Never mind. Going for two. And it’s good. Wheaton catches the 2-pointer. And Roethlisberger limping, as usual.

Patriots 21, Steelers 11

10:31: The Steelers are outgaining the Patriots, 292-252. Insane that they’re losing by 10.

10:32: High-voice Peyton Manning is awful. DirecTV ads such now. Rob Lowe was so much better than this because he could actually act, and what about Hannah Davis? I’d kill to see her in a bikini right now. Literally, kill.

10:33: Matvei just texted me: “Underwhelmed by both teams tonight.” Agreed. Both are going to be great fades. The Steelers’ defense is a disaster, and the Patriots’ stop unit isn’t much worse. And yes, I’m still down on Brady.

10:34: More Matvei: “Hard to tell anything about the offenses because the defenses are so bad. Cortez Allen in mid-season form.” I laughed out loud.

10:35: My girlfriend can’t stop laughing at William Gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

10:36: Brady blown up on third down. Patriots punting, Steelers have a chance to get closer.

10:38: On this Maze Runner movie: Read the books. Seriously. The books are awesome, and you won’t regret it.

10:39: Ambassador to Ireland? That’s cool. How does one become an ambassador? I’d love to be an ambassador to some country in the Pacific with tons of beaches.

10:40: Like the fantasy football reference from Al Michaels. We need more of that. I don’t get why football broadcasts have Xs-and-Os when most people watching either only care about fantasy or gambling.

10:42: Clutch conversion to Antonio Brown for the first down. Steelers over midfield.

10:43: Wow, awesome catch by Wheaton. Even my girlfriend, who is half-asleep, was impressed.

10:44: End of the third quarter. Looks like the Steelers have finally woken up. This game would be so much different if they didn’t do stupid things in the first half.

10:45: Many of you aren’t seeing this because it’s a Pennsylvania Lottery commercial, but it featured two dudes sitting next to each other on the couch, telling another buddy that they were both daydreaming. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either.

10:48: Great coverage there by Patrick Chung. Just grab the guy, don’t look back, and pray for the best.

10:49: Another mistake by the Steelers. False start on a third-and-goal at the 1-inch line. Horrible.

10:50: And now they can’t get the play off. What the hell is wrong with this team?

Patriots 21, Steelers 14

10:54: Commercial-kickoff-commercial. Booo! By the way, I mentioned that my girlfriend was half-asleep before. Now, she’s completely asleep. I want to wake her up and say, “This game’s just getting exciting!” but then she wouldn’t feed me tacos anymore.

10:56: Another blown coverage by the Steelers, and Rob Gronkowski gets 52 yards. Unreal. Why’d they get rid of LeBeau again?

10:58: Wow, even when the Steelers get a break and force a fumble, they can’t even see the ball, and the Patriots fall on it in the end zone. Or, almost end zone.

11:01: So, even though the guy putting fruit on animals’ heads is made out to seem like a doofus, the real douche in that commercial is the GE guy. OOOOHHH LOOK AT ME, I’M GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!! Shut up, dude.

11:02: Patriots on the 1-inch line. I can’t imagine them having a stupid false start.

11:03: An easy touchdown to Gronkowski. The Steelers had the wrong personnel on the field, of course. I can’t imagine how frustrating this is for Pittsburgh fans who are used to seeing great defense.

Patriots 28, Steelers 14

11:05: Sure, one of these kids might change the world, but the other ones will probably piss me off by wanting to pet my dog, and then they’ll sue me when he bites them out of fear. F***ing kids.

11:08: What’s up with that NBC Brady picture? It looks like he’s wearing lipstick. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either, I guess, I dunno.

11:09: Yeesh, Roethlisberger way behind Wheaton. And now, the field goal unit is coming out, according to Al Michaels.

11:11: WHERE IS ROGER!? Probably in his mansion, looking at himself in the mirror. Just a guess.

11:13: I’m surprised members of the Twitter police haven’t complained about the DirecTV Randy Moss commercial yet. I thought they’d be offended that DirecTV was making fun of a little person.

11:15: Aww, poor Tom Brady didn’t have to turn over his cell phone. If he happened to be innocent, he would have done so. It’s that simple.

11:18: Roethlisberger throws a poor interception into double coverage. There was no reason to force that with so much time on the clock. Dumb decision.

11:19: And why is he throwing the ball to Heyard-Bey anyway? Just a dumb game plan all around. This Pittsburgh team is not good.

11:23: Come on, Pats, punt the ball away and let the Steelers get a backdoor push.

11:24: Or, you know what would be cool? If the Steelers scored a touchdown to make it 28-20 and then missed the extra point. That would be one of the best gambling moments of the year.

11:26: Ugh, my dog keeps farting. It’s horrible. I can’t breathe.

11:28: Horrible clock management, on top of not being able to line up in the right places, on top of unforced miscues on offense. This is not a good football team.

11:30: Man, Carrie Underwood had to be a horrible person for Tony Romo to break up with her because she’s as hot as balls.

11:33: Wait, the Steelers had another penalty to set back a promising drive? Say it ain’t so!

11:35: It’s amazing that the Steelers are running out of time on this drive. They need another possession, yet they keep lining up incorrectly and doing dumb things.

11:36: Robert Kraft not sticking around for the cover? Guess we can tell he didn’t bet this game.

11:38: Touchdown Antonio Brown! Time for the missed extra point!

11:39: EXTRA POINT GOOD! STEELERS COVER/PUSH! SCOBEE COMES THROUGH!

11:40: A missed extra point there would’ve been the gambling moment of the year.

11:41: The game is over, congrats to all Pittsburgh and under bettors. Thanks for reading my incoherent thoughts.

I’ll have a game recap soon. Charlie’s 2015 NFL Mock Draft will be updated tomorrow morning. Also, make sure you enter the Survivor Pool (free entry, $350 prize).

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