2025 NFL Picks – Week 16: 49ers at Colts

The Matchup. Edge: 49ers.

This week on ESPN, we’re going to have awful announcers calling the shots instead the great preseason homers like Kevin Reilly, Ron Wolfley and Don Tollefson, inept ESPN guys Emmitt, Herman Edwards, and aloof people like Jay Cutler. Here’s what it would sound like if some of these dudes (and some special guests) were calling this game:

Kevin Reilly: Welcome to the city of Indiana, where tonight the San Francisco Giants take on the Indiana Horseshoes. Guys, I heard that there’s an open competition for the Colts quarterback after they got some grandpa named River Phillips started last week. I’m going to try out before the game and become a famous quarterback so that girls will automatically talk to me without me going up to them, so I don’t get into trouble with Mother who says I’m not allowed to talk to girls, but she never said anything about them talking to me. But when we play my Philadelphia Eagles, I’ll lose on purpose to become a double agent!

Emmitt: Thanks, Asian. I do not knowed what you meaned by double Asian, but it reminded me of the old commercial with gum where there were twin because it was double mint. But this greatly upset me because it false advertisementing. I thought if I chew this gum then I gonna have a twin pop out of me like in commercial, but he lie and I do not has a twin after all this time, unless he long losted twin. Maybe his name Emmitt Smith Jr. III.

Kevin Reilly: Emmitt, I said double agent, not double Asian. I don’t even know what an Asian is. But I would never lose to my Philadelphia Eagles, even if they paid me a billion dollars or gave me a billion Nick Foles bobbleheads. Not only would I be a traitor, but I’d lose all respect from Mother and New Daddy. Isn’t that right, New Daddy?

Jay Cutler: Meh.

Tollefson: Kevin, I’m ashamed of you. First of all, how do you not know what Asians are? I travel to Asian countries all the time to acquire female slaves to clean and cook naked for me. Second, everyone knows the whole purpose of being a starting quarterback in the NFL is to be able to sneak a peak under the cheerleaders’ skirts. Who cares if you win or lose? You just gotta keep your eyes on the prize.

Kevin Reilly: Tolly, what in the world can you see under a girl’s skirt? You make it sound like there’s something special there like a Nick Foles bobblehead. Maybe our sideline reporter can tell us. Clarissa Thompkins, can you tell us what’s under your skirt? Is it a Nick Foles bobblehead?

Charissa Thompson: Thanks, Nick Foles Bobblehead. It’s a surprise sideline report from me because the Colts will be starting three quarterbacks at the same time tonight: Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, and someone named Kelvin Reilly. Who’s that? Back to you, Nick Foles Bobblehead.

Kevin Reilly: Clarissa, I know you never get my name correct and sometimes call me inanimate objects, but I wouldn’t mind if Mother named me Nick Foles Bobblehead. Maybe once I have my own money after becoming the third quarterback from the Colts, I’ll be able to go to the court house and change my name. But let’s get to our analyst. Minuet, do you think I’m a top-10 quarterback? And also, if you wouldn’t mind telling us what’s under your skirt, that would be appreciated.

Mina Kimes: Kevin, we need to talk. You don’t ever ask a woman what’s under her skirt, especially a woman who is an Asian female NFL analyst because no one on this planet is more oppressed than Asian female NFL analysts, which is why it is so complicated to compile a top-10 quarterback list. So, I need you to appreciate the great analysis I can provide when I give you any sort of quarterback ranking. For example, we know that Geno Smith is a top-one quarterback. But Kevin Reilly? He’s not even in my top three. He’s my No. 5 quarterback. And I can see you disagree, but keep in mind that you’re arguing with an Asian female NFL analyst, and no one is more correct about anything than an Asian female NFL analyst.

Kevin Reilly: I still don’t know what an Asian is. What is an Asian!?

Sarah Spain: EX-CA-USE ME! DID YOU JUST ADMIT TO NOT KNOWING WHAT AN ASIAN IS!? HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNCULTURED!? MINA KIMES IS THE GREATEST FOOTBALL ANALYST ON THE PLANET, AND I SAY THIS AS SOMEONE WHO SHOWED MY BOOBS ONE TIME TO GET A DATE! AND HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN WHAT IS UP HER SKIRT!? I FEEL SO OPPRESSED THAT I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S UP MY SKIRT! IT’S A NICK FOLES BOBBLEHEAD DOLL THAT I PUT THERE FOR PLEASURE! IF I DIDN’T FEEL SO OPPRESSED, I NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!

Kevin Reilly: I knew it! I knew there were Nick Foles bobbleheads up girls’ skirts! But I still don’t know what an Asian is.

Charles Davis: Kevin, it sounds like you’re talking about residents from different continents, Kevin. You already mentioned Asians, Kevin. They’re from Asia, Kevin. Let’s move on to North Americans, Kevin. They’re from North America, Kevin. Now we go down south to South Americans, Kevin, who are from South America, Kevin. How about we go overseas to see Europeans, Kevin, who are from Europe, Kevin? You’ll be racist if you neglect Africans, Kevin, who are from Africa, Kevin. We can then go deep south to say hi to the Antarcticans, Kevin, who are from Antarctica, Kevin. What about going down under, Kevin? I’m not referring to Australians, Kevin, but rather Kevin Reillys, Kevin, because Kevin has his head up his butt, Kevin.

Kevin Reilly: LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, CHARLES DAVIS, BUT I’M NOW A STARTING NFL QUARTERBACK, WHICH MEANS I CAN BOSS YOU AROUND AND ALSO LOOK UP CHEERLEADERS’ SKIRTS TO SEE WHICH NICK FOLES BOBBLEHEADS ARE HIDING THERE! We’ll be back right after this!

INDIANAPOLIS OFFENSE: Anyone who enjoyed watching Philip Rivers play quarterback last week will have another opportunity. Shane Steichen announced that Rivers will make his second start versus the 49ers on Monday night.

Rivers nearly beat the Seahawks last week, but it’s not like he did very much. He mostly dinked and dunked when he wasn’t handing the ball off to Jonathan Taylor. He threw a touchdown pass, but the Colts averaged just 3.7 yards per play. Stopping this doesn’t seem very difficult as long as Taylor can be contained.

So, can the 49ers stop Taylor? That seems certain. Not to sound like an 8-ball, but it’s true. The 49ers are above average versus the run, and they’ll be able to play close to the line of scrimmage because they won’t have to defend any deep passes.

SAN FRANCISCO OFFENSE: Anyone who watched Rivers last week noticed how pathetic Seattle’s offense was against the Colts. Indianapolis was missing its top two cornerbacks, and yet the Seahawks just ran into the teeth of the defense, as Kenneth Walker mustered nothing but 2-yard gains. Klint Kubiak, as usual, failed to adjust.

Kyle Shanahan is a master schemer and will notice this liability. He’ll have Brock Purdy attack these cornerbacks. He’ll also notice that the Colts are weak over the middle of the field. Indianapolis surrenders the ninth-most production to tight ends, so George Kittle figures to have a big game.

Christian McCaffrey, meanwhile, won’t have much success on the ground, especially given that DeForest Buckner is expected to return to action. However, he should be a force as a receiver out of the backfield against Indianapolis’ linebackers.

RECAP: The Colts nearly beat the Seahawks last week, but it shouldn’t have been close. Indianapolis’ 3.7 yards per play was the smallest such figure on the week by any team, save for the Browns’ 3.4 and the Raiders’ 1.8. There’s no way the Colts will win many games with Rivers. The only reason the Seattle game was close was because the Seahawks didn’t show up, and Kubiak’s game plan was asinine.

The 49ers are very well coached as far as scheming and preparation are concerned, so they’ll have all the answers for Rivers, especially after being able to see last week’s game film. The 49ers’ defense isn’t as good as Seattle’s, but it’s not like a lot is needed to stop a Rivers-led offense.

The only concern I have with the 49ers is that they could be caught looking ahead. Following this “easy” game, they have to battle the 10-4 Bears and 11-3 Seahawks. They’ll have less preparation time than usual for the Chicago game, so this could be a flat spot for San Francisco even though this is a national TV affair.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: I’m still concerned about this spot for the 49ers. They could play down to the Colts, who could hang around and potentially steal a win. I don’t see myself betting this game unless there’s something unexpected on the injury report.

SATURDAY NOTES: DeForest Buckner has practiced fully twice this week, so he should finally be back in the lineup. Sauce Gardner, meanwhile, has yet to practice. I still think the 49ers are the play, but I don’t feel confident in this pick at all.

SUNDAY MORNING NOTES: This line has dropped to -5.5, but that’s not enough to get me to bet the 49ers in a poor spot for them.

SAME-GAME PARLAY: BetMGM has a 33-percent profit boost for same-game parlays. We’re going with Christian McCaffrey under 63.5 rushing yards, George Kittle over 67.5 receiving yards, and Tyler Warren over 36.5 receiving yards. This $25 parlay pays $166.25.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Bernhard Raimann is out, but that hasn’t stopped the sharps from pounding the Colts. They’ve bet them all the way down from +6 to +4. The best line now for the 49ers is -4 -106 at Bookmaker. You can Bet on WalterFootball’s favorite sportsbook, Bookmaker by clicking the link.

The Motivation. Edge: Colts.

The 49ers battle the 10-4 Bears and 11-3 Seahawks after this game.

The Spread. Edge: Colts.

WalterFootball.com Calculated Spread: 49ers -5.5.

Westgate Advance Point Spread: 49ers -6.5.

Computer Model: 49ers -5.5.

The Vegas. Edge: 49ers.

Decent lean on the 49ers.

Percentage of money on San Francisco: 63% (185,000 bets)

The Trends. Edge: 49ers.