2016 NFL Kickoff Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2016 NFL Kickoff Live Blog – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Broncos-Panthers game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football’s back.

Feel free to post your thoughts in the comments below.

7:50: And we’re live! I just posted my final thoughts on the Panthers at Broncos on my NFL Picks page, as well as Thursday Thoughts on every other game.

7:51: Also, if you haven’t seen it, we have a Weekly Fantasy Football Contest, which is like DFS, but free and with cash prizes!

7:52: The talking skeleton on TV just said that Marshawn Lynch is thinking about returning to the NFL. My fiancee, standing in the background, asked, “Wait, is that the douche bag who doesn’t talk to people?”

7:54: I’m fine with Lynch coming back, by the way. Fantasy football running backs suck, and Lynch is always entertaining. Speaking of Lynch, by the way, I’m eating these Skittles right now. They’re in an orange bag, and apparently they’ll Cauldron Skittles. I have to say that I’m pretty damn impressed. These things are great. And trust me, I’m a fat man so I know these things.

7:56: Speaking of being fat, my fiancee asked me if I want a cheesesteak or pizza for dinner. I told her cheesesteaks, and she said, “Well, you’re getting pepperoni in yours.” Umm… is that supposed to be some sort of punishment? I’ll have pepperoni with anything. Ice cream, cake, waffles, Skittles… I’ll eat pepperoni no matter what!

7:57: My fiancee cleared up the pepperoni thing: “We need to use them before they go bad.” Umm… OK… I would have just eaten pepperoni if I knew we had pepperoni. Hell, a meal of pepperoni with a side of pepperoni sounds awesome to me.

7:59: It’s sad that NBC stole Mike Tirico away from us. Not having him in the NFL just sucks. I guess he’ll be doing college, but there are a billion college games each week so it’ll be easy to miss him. I also regret not having Tom Jackson on ESPN. He was one of my favorites, as he and Chris Berman were one of the reasons I started liking football in the first place. I think I might just switch to NFL Network for the pre-game show after Berman retires.

8:01: Some user named GIRLSAREBADNEWS just posted on the site. This reminds me of the Don’t Date a Feminist article that was posted today. I don’t understand the point of that article. Like, isn’t that common sense? It would be like publishing an article called Breathe Oxygen to Live.

8:03: One of the NBC guys said Cam Newton might be the biggest guy on the field. So, he’s larger than some of the linemen then? That’s cool.

8:05: That’s nice of the Panthers to hire Commander Adama to their coaching staff. He hasn’t had much to do ever since finding Earth.

8:07: Great, another musical performance. Just what us football fans have been looking forward to. I actually think I ranted about this last year. Let me see if I can find it.

8:10: I didn’t see anything last year, but this is from 2013:

Why is NBC airing music prior to the games? Football fans don’t care about music. I understand the Super Bowl because random people watch that, but pure football fans are the only ones watching this. None of those people want to hear Keith Irvings.

Not sure who Keith Irvings is. I don’t know what One Republic is either. My fiancee just commented, “No one cares about One Republic.”

8:12: Is this what the cool kids are listening to now? He sometimes sounds like what I do when I’m having diarrhea.

8:13: “I didn’t know people still wore their hair like that. He looks like that guy from the Breakfast Club.” He must be too busy having diarrhea to get a haircut. That’s my best guess, anyway.

8:15: I just dropped a blue Skittle – YES, THERE ARE BLUE SKITTLES!!! – and placed it back on the coffee table. My fiancee started yelling at me to throw it out. “Why would I throw this out, I’m going to eat it!” I shouted back. She just shook her head in disgust.

8:17: A McPick2 commercial! I just remembered that I have to film myself asking for a McPick2 while holding my hand sideways like the tools in those commercials. I did, however, get filmed getting spanked by a hot nurse in Las Vegas:

8:19: I am out of Cauldron Skittles. Words can’t describe how upset I am. Even worse, my fiancee hasn’t started the cheesesteaks yet. I just want to end it all right now!

8:22: Hilarious commercial of that dude kicking away his boat because he’d have to miss football. “That’s you!” my fiancee just said to me. No, not really. I would’ve set the boat on fire just in case.

8:24: My fiancee just asked if I want one or two cheesesteaks. How is that even a question? The obvious answer is three. I want three cheesesteaks.

8:26: I planned on looking at the Broncos moneyline, but forgot. I thought it would be +160, but I’m seeing anywhere between +137 and +145. I guess +145 is OK, but I’m not as excited about it. Maybe half a unit, though it’s too late to make that an official selection.

8:29: Just took my pre-game piss, and now the announcer said the 2016 season is about to begin. So excited. YAY!!!!!

8:30: Oh man. I remember watching those Denver Super Bowls live, and they were almost 20 years ago. I feel super old. I’m not so excited anymore.

8:31: I guess Peyton Manning isn’t hanging out with Eli and eating nachos. Poor Eli, always getting shafted.

8:33: My fiancee: “I don’t know if it’s because I’m PMSing, but seeing the former Super Bowl champions is making me cry … and I don’t even like Peyton Manning!”

8:35: Al Michaels is back from the Zika clinic, which caused him to miss the entire preseason. There’s still a chance he has it though, and I hope he doesn’t transmit it to Cris Collinsworth, or the world as we know it will come to an end.

8:36: By the way, I just posted the link to the feminist article in the comment board below, if you want to check that out. The social justice warriors, by the way, were quick to criticize it, even saying things like no girls would ever want to date the author. Aren’t these SJW douche bags supposed to be accepting of all people? Isn’t that against what they stand for. Damn hypocrites.

8:38: No. 54 on the Broncos is a communist douche! That would be Brandon Marshall. Please deport him immediately before he becomes President of the United States and starts killing people like Joseph Stalin.

8:40: I hate soccer, but I like what that one soccer team did to sing the national anthem before the players took the field so that no self-entitled anti-Americans could disrespect the flag. The NFL should start doing that. Or begin deporting players. Either or works for me!

8:41: By the way, Brandon Marshall took away from the other big story, which were that singer’s suspenders. Nice fashion sense, lady.

8:42: FOOOOOTBALL IS BAAACK!

8:43: Nifty pass by Trevor Siemian! Instant Hall of Famer. Thomas, by the way, has to be thrilled not to see Josh Norman this time.

8:44: Four passes in a row by the Broncos – and Siemian converts a third-and-10! Let’s get him into Canton already!

8:45: Five passes and now a run by C.J. Anderson to move to the Carolina 35.

8:47: My fiancee just asked if I want a pizza cheesesteak. You’d think I would, but no. I love ketchup too much. I would never relinquish ketchup.

8:48: Ugh. Devontae Booker fumbles. Why give the rookie a carry there? It’s not like Anderson is that tired yet. Stupid.

8:49: Well, I guess it could’ve been worse. The fumble could’ve been returned for a touchdown. And even then, it could be even worse, as Al Michael’s Zika virus could’ve been transferred to Cris Collinsworth.

8:50: Funny that the team with the MVP quarterback comes out running, while the new quarterback throws often. Jonathan Stewart looks great, by the way.

8:52: I looked off to the side for a second, and I thought the graphic said that Newton led the league in dabs. Which I guess is true.

8:53: Of course Ted Ginn hits a big play. I swear, the guy hates me so much.

8:54: I thought Brandon Marshall was going to announce his school as the University of Moscow.

8:57: Wow, just like that, Newton to Benjamin for a touchdown, 71-yard drive.

Panthers 7, Broncos 0

8:59: Cheesesteaks are ready! I grabbed the ketchup bottle, and my fiancee said, “I already put ketchup on those.” I replied, naturally, “I can always use more.” She laughed, then shook her head.

9:01: Whoa, they have virtual reality now? Can you get a virtual reality program where you can have sex with 20 hot chicks at the same time? I think I would just die if that would be possible. Literally, die.

9:03: That kickoff is ridiculous. Someone’s going to hit a 70-yard field goal one day in this stadium.

9:04: I thought Emmanuel Sanders dragged his second foot, for the record, so I won’t criticize Adama for that. Not that I’d ever criticize Adama anyway.

9:06: Another nice drive for the Broncos. They’ve suddenly made their way to the 25.

9:07: Another third-down conversion, this time to Demaryius Thomas. Thomas gets up slowly.

9:08: Vernon Butler with the sack, as Siemian held the ball too long. He should’ve just checked it down to the player in the flat.

9:09: Ugh. Siemian’s pass is tipped at the line of scrimmage and picked off. Two turnovers inside the Carolina 30, negating at least six points. Not a good start!

9:11: I hope Timeless isn’t a procedural because that’s what it looks like. Procedurals are crap.

9:13: Much better this time by the Broncos’ defense… and somehow the first quarter is already over. How the hell did that happen?

9:16: The Broncos should have said, “While we encourage everyone to stand for the national anthem, we will be deporting Brandon Marshall once he stops being useful. Thank you.”

9:17: Nice throws by Sanders! He’s now 8-of-11 for 92 yards and that weird pick.

9:18: Denver once again deep in Carolina territory! Don’t screw up this time!

9:20: Andy Janovich rushing touchdown!!!!!

Panthers 7, Broncos 7

9:22: My fiancee is definitely PMSing. Upon seeing that touchdown, she started crying for Janovich. I have no idea how women handle emotions. I’m just stoic all the time.

9:24: My friend Body Burner just walked in. My dog is going nuts, jumping all over the place, and he grabbed a napkin off the table. And Body Burner just sat down and mimicked my writing, making me feel bad.

9:28: Denver’s defense looked like crap on the opening drive, but this is what it played like during the Super Bowl. They’re frustrating Cam Newton, so hopefully this means something good.

9:30: Body Burner asked me if Darian Stewart just targeted Benjamin’s knees on purpose. I’d have to think so!

9:31: I just realized why I was shocked the first quarter ended so quickly. I can’t see the play clock!

My Wii U pad is blocking that part of the TV!

9:32: Body Burner just called Brandon Marshall a Nazi and shouted, “Good, he’s hurt! Take a knee now b***h!”

9:34: Body Burner with some good points: “It’s so f***ing stupid. He’s still going to cash his checks for American dollars.”

9:37: Oh, and yeah, Wii U. I love it. I play Mario Maker all the time. When I was 8, I actually used to draw Mario levels in my notebooks in lieu of doing school work, so this is my ultimate dream. And sure, other fancy-shmancy systems have better graphics, but I think that’s stupid. Real graphics suck. I play video games to escape reality, so why would I want my video games to be real?

9:39: Argh, the Panthers convert a third down to Devin Funchess. He’s supposed to out-produce Benjamin, according to the beat writers.

9:40: Body Burner just sang, “Kelvin Benjamin sucks, his hair’s too long.” It was beautiful.

9:42: Insane third-down conversion by Newton to Greg Olsen, running out of pressure. That was crucial, as Carolina is now in the red zone.

9:44: The Panthers are now 6-of-7 on third down. And Von Miller’s getting held and the officials aren’t calling it.

9:45: Cam Newton runs in for the touchdown, as Body Burner yells “f***er!” because he has Jonathan Stewart on his fantasy team.

Panthers 14, Broncos 7

9:49: Can someone answer this? Why is that one guy wondering if he should start Odell Beckham or Julio Jones? In what universe do you have Jones and Beckham on the same fantasy roster?

9:50: Brandon Marshall has been cleared to return. If last drive was any indication, the Broncos desperately need him.

9:52: Cool that C.J. Anderson has bowled three perfect games. I’ve bowled all imperfect games. I think my average is like 64. That’s like 36 short of a perfect game, so maybe I’ll get there some day!

9:53: I still haven’t gotten used to these early-season Thursay night games. I miss the times where Thursday was a night off for me, and I could watch TV and download porn the entire evening. Times have changed.

9:54: Joe from the comments below: “Von Miller was juiced during the SB for sure. He had a history of PED use. He looks like a diiferent person tonight. No steroids or amphetamines.” My NFL crackpot theory is that Tom Brady was using last year as well, given how different he looked in the preseason compared to September-November. Unfortunately I have no proof of this.

9:58: Peyton Manning will be in the booth in the third quarter, which is cool. Not for his analysis, but for Al Michaels spreading his Zika virus to him. Nothing against Peyton personally, but I’m a bit tired of all of his commercials.

9:59: Bradley Roby’s horrible tackling may have just given the Panthers three free points.

10:01: So, Roby misses a tackle, 12 men were on the field, and T.J. Ward refuses to dive at Greg Olsen to keep the clock running. The Panthers get a field goal as a result.

Panthers 17, Broncos 7

10:03: So, that’s halftime. The Broncos aren’t playing poorly, but two mistakes and Brandon Marshall’s concussion have been the deciding factors thus far. I’m a bit concerned about their lethargy. I thought they’d be pumped to prove that they shouldn’t be underdogs as defending Super Bowl champions, but some of their players don’t seem to care. And Von Miller needs some PEDs, ASAP!

10:08: Someone on Twitter just quoted Al Michaels, who said, “Every package is a jumbo package with these guys.” NSFW!

10:12: Ugh, it’s Bob Costas, who is here to tell us that we’re bad people for not agreeing with Communist Kaepernick’s stance.

10:13: Costas is being an a** again. Tom Brady got into trouble because he screwed with the investigation and destroyed evidence. If he had just cooperated, he wouldn’t have been penalized so much. He might have gotten two games at the most. He’s lucky he only got four.

10:14: Speaking of some sort of bucket list Costas mentioned, I have a football bucket list. My one item on there is taking a dip in Jacksonville’s pool. That’s just something I have to do. I imagine I’ll get some sort of infection, but it’ll be worth it.

10:16: The Jacksonville ~~genie~~ owner is taunting me in his own pool in that commercial. Do you see why I have to go into that pool now?

10:19: Start of the third quarter. Denver’s defense needs to stop sucking.

10:21: I give Newton a 9/10 on that dance. Not because it was good, but because he stopped dabbing, which might have been the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And how, by the way, did Carolina get a first down on that play? They were clearly shy of the first down. Did the NFL get rid of third-and-inches plays?

10:22: Big stand by the Broncos on that third down by Shane Ray. He might have done that on the last series of downs had the officials spotted the ball correctly.

10:24: I hate these Sprint commercials with the “Can you hear me now?” guy. He has the most awkward conversations ever with people, and his claim that “Verizon the Goliath is panicking,” is such horse s**t. If Verizon is panicking, why is Sprint desperate enough to steal that guy and make those claims?

10:26: Peyton doesn’t know the difference between biased and unbiased. I’m thinking that all of the commercials he has shot have fried his brain.

10:28: Turnover No. 3 inside the Carolina 30. This time, Siemian underthrows it off his back foot while getting hit. This is brutal. If the Broncos would just take care of the football, they would be in this. Nine points would make it 17-16.

10:30: There’s that virtual reality commercial again. Can I use virtual reality to pretend I’m in a world where the Broncos have the lead?

10:32: Newton sacked on third down! With Miller un-juiced, DeMarcus Ware steps up. And Newton’s down on the ground. Uh oh.

10:36: What is Peyton Manning going to do in the fall that couldn’t do these past 25 years? “What’s he going to do, apple picking?” Body Burner asks.

10:37: I have to say that I’m shocked Manning didn’t advertise some sort of product while in the booth. He’s a living advertisement and makes those South Park walking ads look bad.

10:40: Newton is back, and he should be penalized for grounding. The refs are letting a lot go tonight.

10:42: Newton makes a nifty move to convert yet another third down, but Ryan Kalil is whistled for a face mask.

10:44: I criticized the Panthers for trading for a punter a few weeks ago, but this Andy Lee guy is killing me. Last time I do that!

10:45: By the way, I have yet to discuss Newton’s dyed soul patch. Newton is obnoxious, and he may draw some hate for this, but I have to say that it looks pretty cool. I may try that look myself.

10:46: Then again, as a fat white guy I don’t think I could pull it off. I do floss a lot though!

10:47: Al Michaels just said that the Broncos had a short gain, but it was a loss of two. Don’t blame age; that was the Zika virus talking.

10:50: Denver inside the Carolina 30 again. Please, for the love of God, don’t turn the ball over!

10:53: They didn’t screw up! They didn’t screw up! Touchdown, C.J. Anderson!

10:56: Cool, golf standings. Just what every football fan wanted to see.

10:58: Newton’s pass intercepted! Tipped into the air and caught by Chris Harris, plus unnecessary roughness by Andrew Norwell!

11:00: I’m excited for C.J. Anderson’s night, but I’m fearful I don’t have him on any of my five fantasy rosters. I honestly have no clue. I’ve done so many mock drafts this summer that everything has blended together.

11:01: Nifty third-down conversion by Siemian! Just don’t turn the ball over!

11:03: My life flashed before my eyes on that near-interception that was knocked out of Thomas’ hands.

11:04: That last spot I discussed was horrible. This one was even worse. I’m openly rooting for the Broncos here, and there’s no way in hell that was a first down.

11:05: You have to go for it here. Anderson has been unstoppable, and even if the Broncos don’t get this, the Panthers will be stuck on their own 1-yard line.

11:07: HOW DARE THEY CHANGE THIS CALL THE REFS ARE CLEARLY AGAINST ME RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE

11:08: First down! Great call. And Seattle fans have to be watching this angrily.

11:10: Siemian, hit the open man in the end zone and stop underthrowing it!!!

11:13: Touchdown Broncos! C.J. Anderson slams in from the 1-yard line.

11:14: Body Burner just lamented, “You didn’t put my ‘Don’t Suck a Dick’ song on your Web site!” Yeah, not explaining that one.

Broncos 21, Panthers 17

11:16: Crazy that Newton is just 1-of-5 in the second half… but he can still run.

11:19: That’s crap. If a player storms off angrily, they need to keep that call. Otherwise, my hopes are crushed!

11:21: Well, I think Newton is OK after that earlier hit. The Broncos can’t stop him right now.

11:23: Sweet, Broncos held them to a field goal. I definitely don’t mind a 23-21 Carolina victory!

Broncos 21, Panthers 20

11:25: I would not be OK with my older sister making tiny food. Deport her! Deport everyone!

11:26: OK, so, it would be totally great if the Broncos didn’t turn the ball over to give the Panthers an easy touchdown. Please, Siemian, for the love of God, don’ screw up.

11:27: Could’ve been illegal contact on that, but I don’t know why the Broncos aren’t running, since they’ve been doing it so well all evening.

11:28: Two passes? Really?

11:31: I feel sorry for the guy who had to look up meaningless stats like that Super Bowl champions trailing by eight thing. They did all that work, just for Al Michaels to mutter it to half-asleep, drunken fans.

11:32: All right, now I feel half-asleep and drunk after hearing the official’s explanation.

11:33: Sully looks like it might be OK, but I don’t understand how that’s a great movie. We kind of know the ending already… unless there were werewolves and vampires on the plane, and they try to kill Sully!

11:34: Big sack by Ware! Now second-and-19 for Carolina.

11:36: Von Miller took PEDs at halftime and he sacked Newton! Fourth-and-21 after the 2-minute warning!

11:39: How does a 5-yard penalty result in a first down on a fourth-and-21? Doesn’t that seem like extreme horse s**t? Like, make it 15 yards and a fourth-and-6. Stupid.

11:41: What the hell are the Panthers doing? Running the ball and wasting a timeout? Is Newton concussed?

11:43: Almost intercepted by Chris Harris! This game is insane.

11:44: That’s both roughing the passer and intentional grounding. What happens if both are called?

11:45: There it is. Penalties offset! Holy crap, what a game.

11:47: Benjamin inside the 40! The Panthers are definitely in field goal range right now.

11:48: Ball might have been moving, but in this altitude, it doesn’t really matter.

11:49: Nice job by Nationwide to get a hot chick to play the piano for no reason. I may switch over now.

11:50: The catch is good. By the way, I agree with what AABS wrote below: “Costas leaving broadcasting is on my bucket list.”

11:51: Here it is! Maybe not. Icing the kicker. Which should be illegal.

11:51: PANTHERS MISS!!!! GREAT ICING THE KICKER RULE!!! BRONCOS WIN!!!

I’ll have a game recap soon. Charlie’s 2017 NFL Mock Draft will be updated tomorrow morning. Also, make sure you enter the Survivor Pool (free entry, $350 prize) and the Weekly Fantasy Football Contest.