2024 NFL Picks – Week 7: Chargers at Cardinals

The Matchup. Edge: Chargers.

This week on ESPN, we’re going to have awful announcers calling the shots instead the great preseason homers like Kevin Reilly, Ron Wolfley and Don Tollefson, inept ESPN guys Emmitt, Herman Edwards, and aloof people like Jay Cutler. Here’s what it would sound like if some of these dudes (and some special guests) were calling this game:

Reilly: Welcome to the city of Arizona, where tonight, the Phoenix Cardinals take on the Phoenix Coyotes. Guys, I’m already bored with this game, so let me vent about these stupid international games. Guys, I remember when football was just an American sport, but now it’s a global sport. This is horrible because foreign people smell. Also, these 9:30 a.m. games are killing me. I used to wake up early to watch Sunday morning cartoons until Mother made me rub her feet. Now, I can’t even do that! Mother has been mad at me that I haven’t rubbed her feet in a while, but I keep telling her that it’s my job to watch football and plan the untimely demise of every enemy team of my Philadelphia Eagles, so I need to work! Do you guys have any issues like that with your mothers?

Emmitt: Thanks, Porom. I cannot disagreement more with you if I did not want to do so. You say football America game, but it have becomed the global game. And a global are that circle you have on the desk that blue spot and green and brown spot. I has been looking at this global for a long time, and I still does not understand what the different colors means. Somebody say that the blue stuff is water, but it do not feel wet to me, and everybody know that water are wet, so how can it be water? That do not make senseis. Also, blue not the color of water. The water that comed out of the pipe in Emmitt house are brown.

Reilly: Emmitt, I think you need to get your pipes cleaned. I would do it, but Mother says it’s too dangerous of a job for me, and she says she likes looking at the plumber’s butt. I don’t know why anyone would like looking at anyone’s butt because poop comes out of it. When poop comes out of my butt, I sometimes have Mother wipe it for me, but she says I’m a big boy now that I’m 73, so I’ll have to start wiping my own butt soon.

Tollefson: Reilly, you are such a wuss. One of the luxuries of having female slaves is that they can wipe your butt for you. Why would I ever dirty these beautiful hands when the female slaves can do it for me? I need these beautiful hands to type up more fake tickets so I can con old people for six figures again.

Reilly: Tolly, I hope you take them for all they’re worth because I hate rich, old people because I’m jealous that they can buy all the Nick Foles bobbleheads they want. Speaking of rich old people, Charissa Thompson is with another foreign leader tonight! Foreign leaders are constantly joining Charissa to argue for their country hosting international games after Roger Goodell stated that he wants to double the number of international games. Charissa, take it away!

Charissa Thompson: Thanks, Mike. Kyler Murray just broke his hram, so he’s out six to eight minutes. I’m joined tonight by Bill Gates. Bill, I didn’t know you were a foreign leader. I would have done research on this, but I just didn’t care enough. Do you have a country?

Bill Gates: Yes, I bought an island off the coast of South Korea, and we are looking to have more games there. Just keep in mind that everyone who comes to my island needs to take an injection of my wonderful vaccine, which is totally safe, trust me.

Charissa Thompson: Hold on, I just listened to an interview for the first time. Did you say more games? So you have games there now?

Bill Gates: Yes, we gather a bunch of kids and have them play children’s games, and then me and a bunch of other rich men wear masks and bet on the kids, and then we get to play with them later. It’s a lot of fun!

Reilly: Hey Bill, I love to play games as long as they’re safe and I won’t get a nose bleed. Can I come to your island? I just need an adult butt wiper to accompany me to the island. President Camel Toe Harris, can you make sure that all Americans get an adult butt wiper with tax dollars?

Kamala Harris: In the last four years, I have been the vice president of the United States. And I have been traveling our country. And I have been listening to folks. And seeking what is possible in terms of common ground. I believe in building in consensus. We are a diverse people. Geographically, regionally, in terms of where we are in our backgrounds. And what the American people do want is leaders who can build consensus. Where we can figure out compromise and understand that it’s not a bad thing as long as you don’t compromise your values to find common sense solutions. And that has been my approach.

Donald Trump: Excuse me, excuse me, Kamala did not answer the question yet again, she dodges so many questions that if she were playing dodgeball, she would be the best dodgeball player anyone has ever seen, but she’s not playing dodgeball, she’s playing politics, and she’s not too good at politics, let me tell you, in fact she is the worst at playing politics, and no one has ever seen anything like it, she didn’t even answer Kevin Reilly’s question, and it was a good question, not the best question we’ve heard, but a good question, and I’ll answer the question because Trump answers all the questions better than anyone could ever answer any question, frankly, and the butt wipers will be available for anyone who has a golden toilet, like Trump, who has a beautiful, golden toilet in his home, the most beautiful golden toilet anyone has ever seen, or at least that’s what I’ve been told, and it’s much more beautiful than Kamala’s toilet, which is probably silver or bronze, probably bronze, frankly, because Kamala has no class, so she can only afford bronze, and not even silver because she’s a total loser and a total disgrace.

Wolfley: DONALD, YOUR GOLDEN TOILET MAY SOUND GREAT TO YOU, BUT THE RICHEST MAN ON OUR HOME PLANET, A SPORK WITH FOOTBALLS FOR EYES AND PLASTIC STRAWS FOR EARS, HAS A PLATINUM TOILET IN HIS MANSION.

Reilly: Shut up, guys! We need to get to the bottom of this. I need an adult butt wiper to go with me to Bill Gates’ island. New Daddy, will you be my adult butt wiper?

Jay Cutler: No, because I need an adult butt wiper, too. I’m too lazy to do it myself, so your mom does it for me.

Reilly: Mother sure knows her way around the toilet in the bathroom, huh?

Charles Davis: Kevin, sounds like you are talking about things found in the bathroom, Kevin, which is suitable for a person such as yourself, Kevin. You already touched on toilet, Kevin. How about a sink, Kevin? That’s in the bathroom, too, Kevin. What do you think about showers, Kevin? Why not discuss faucets, Kevin? Take a gander at the tiles on the ground, Kevin. What if you have a hamper in the bathroom, Kevin? And don’t forget about toilet paper, Kevin. Something kids at six learn how to use, Kevin, but you somehow haven’t figured it out at 73, Kevin.

Reilly: F**K YOU, CHARLES DAVIS, WIPING YOUR BUTT IS HARD! I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT BY THE TIME I’M 85! We’ll be back after this!

ARIZONA OFFENSE: As if the Cardinals’ blowout loss to the Packers wasn’t bad enough, they also had to deal with a major absence. Marvin Harrison Jr. suffered a concussion in the second quarter. He wasn’t around to help in the second half, but Arizona couldn’t get anything going for the early portion of the afternoon. Murray had just two completions in the first 27 minutes of the game.

Murray had a very difficult matchup against the Packers, who are sixth in defensive EPA. The Chargers aren’t as good defensively, but they’re in the upper half of the NFL. They defend the run very well and can generate pressure on the quarterback, so they should be able to limit James Conner and apply heat on Murray, who won’t have his top downfield threat.

One area where the Cardinals should have success is when Murray delivers the ball to Trey McBride. The dynamic tight end had a great game last week, and the Chargers typically struggle against opposing tight ends.

SAN ANGELES OFFENSE: It was unknown how Justin Herbert would look last week. Herbert was limping around after every play in the two games prior to the bye. It wasn’t known if he would be 100 percent, but he looked great against the Broncos. It helped that he had both tackles back from injury to protect him, but Herbert was able to beat an excellent defense.

The Cardinals don’t have an excellent defense. Not even close. Arizona has a leaky secondary and the third-worst pressure rate in the NFL. Herbert will have all the time in the world to locate his weapons.

Arizona is atrocious at stopping the run as well. This is how the Chargers will primarily attack. J.K. Dobbins has been terrific despite coming off a torn Achilles. He’ll have some great runs to set up play-action opportunities for Herbert.

RECAP: The Chargers probably shouldn’t have an issue with the Cardinals. Their defense is outstanding, and if Harrison Jr. is out, as expected, the Cardinals won’t have much offensive firepower to threaten their opponent.

I don’t see a great betting opportunity. I’d like the Chargers if the Cardinals weren’t coming off a blowout loss, but Arizona will be focused more after last week’s disaster. We know that Murray can be aloof with his Call of Duty antics, but after a blowout defeat, there will be more effort from him in this game. Still, I’m not quite sure if it’ll be enough against a superior Charger squad.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: As with the other Monday night game, these teams haven’t practiced yet, so I’ll have an update on Saturday.

SATURDAY NOTES: There’s been sharp money on the Cardinals, probably because Joey Bosa has yet to practice.

SUNDAY MORNING NOTES: The sharp money came in on Arizona because Marvin Harrison Jr. cleared concussion protocol. I still have no interest in either side.

MONDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE: More sharp money on the Cardinals. I still lean toward the Chargers, but this game is a difficult one to handicap.

PLAYER PROP & SAME-GAME PARLAY: Excluding Week 3 when he left early with an injury, Trey McBride has eclipsed 53 receiving yards in every game since Week 2. Yet, his receiving yardage prop is only 50.5. The Chargers have a great defense, but they’ve allowed chunks of yardage to tight ends. The best number is over 50.5 receiving yards -110 at FanDuel.

I’m tossing the McBride over receiving yardage prop into a same-game parlay with J.K. Dobbins over 79.5 rushing yards, James Conner under 61.5 rushing yards, and Kyler Murray over 32.5 rushing yards. Arizona is awful versus the run, while the Chargers are No. 2 against it, so that would explain the Dobbins and Conner legs. The last time Murray was blown out, he responded with a game in which he scrambled for 83 yards. This $25 parlay pays $222.16. You can Get $200 in bonus bets from FanDuel by clicking the link.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Still no bet here, though I’m leaning toward the Chargers. The sharps bet the Cardinals at +2.5, +2, and +1.5. The best line on the Chargers is -1 -110 at Bookmaker. You can Bet on WalterFootball’s favorite sportsbook, Bookmaker by clicking the link.

The Motivation. Edge: .

The Spread. Edge: None.

WalterFootball.com Calculated Spread: Chargers -1.

Westgate Advance Point Spread: Cardinals -1.

Computer Model: Chargers -2.

The Vegas. Edge: Chargers.

Equal action.

Percentage of money on San Angeles: 59% (207,000 bets)

The Trends. Edge: Chargers.

Cardinals are 48-34 ATS at home as underdogs or favorites of less than -3 since 2007.

Kyler Murray is 16-9 ATS as an underdog.

Opening Line: Pick.

Opening Total: 43.5.

Weather: Dome.