The following is a compilation of all the mistakes the inept, homer NFL announcers made this August. One of the best things about watching preseason games is making fun of these guys, so I decided to put all of their blunders together.
Week 4:
Cardinals 32, Broncos 24
“Those vertexes are dangerous! Watch out for that vertex!”
“I want to turn his nose into a nose ring!”
“What if I took a tomato, put it in a blender and whipped it!?”
All the play-by-play guy could do was laugh nervously. The poor guy was probably terrified.
Rams 24, Ravens 21
After the Quick fumble, Marshall Faulk shouted at Jeff Fisher to challenge. Fisher didn’t throw the red flag, prompting Faulk to say, “Coach Fisher would’ve thrown the flag in the regular season!”
Umm… no, he wouldn’t have – because all turnovers are automatically reviewed.
The play-by-play guy went on to interview someone in the Rams’ front office (I didn’t catch who it was). It’s clear he wasn’t paying attention…
Play-by-Play Guy: How do you make your final roster-cut decisions in terms of positions?
Front Office Person: We like to keep the best 53, even if that might mean we’ll be a little light at some positions.
Play-by-Play Guy: So how many cornerbacks do you plan on keeping?
Umm… perhaps you should try listening, crappy play-by-play guy!
Vikings 24, Titans 23
Browns 18, Bears 16
The second involved the Chicago announcers, who talked up Khaseem Greene because “he is perfect for the Bears’ defense because he creates turnovers.”
What? Is there a coach out there who looks at a player and thinks, “This guy creates turnovers, so he is of no use to us?”
Week 3:
Buccaneers 17, Dolphins 16
Saints 31, Texans 23
Someone made a mistake when FOX displayed a graphic saying that Schaub made the Pro Bowl in 2009 and 2012. As this graphic was up, the play-by-play announcer said, “You may remember that Matt Schaub won the Pro Bowl MVP in 2010.”
Uhh… awkward.
The play-by-play guy also called Justin Forsett “Justin Dorsett.” Meanwhile, Brian Billick came up with this gem: “Duane Brown will take care of Matt Schaub’s backside.”
Ahhhhhh, I have so many ways to make fun of this that I don’t even know where to start!
Cowboys 24, Bengals 18
Titans 27, Falcons 16
First of all, I’ve never seen any broadcast list preseason rankings. Exhibition games are mostly played by practice-squad scrubs, so who cares? And second, Keith Bulluck commented, “I hope this carries over into the preseason!”
Uhh… it is the preseason, bub.
Bulluck later had the following weird exchange with the play-by-play guy after a bank advertisement:
Play-by-Play Guy: Bank like a Titan!
Bulluck: Some Titans…
Play-by-Play Guy: I know two Titans who got bank!
Bulluck: I know some who don’t!
What a strange thing to say. But this is all nothing compared to this fantasy football advice:
Umm… how about Chris… Johnson…? I wish @TitanNewsRumors could be in all of my fantasy leagues, though I suppose I’d feel bad for constantly stealing his money.
Colts 27, Browns 6
The Browns’ play-by-play announcer, who talks so quickly that it sounds like he’s on speed, called Dominique Jones “Donald Jones.” Also, on a 3rd-and-4 play, he shouted, “They need about six for the first down!”
Chargers 24, Cardinals 7
So, in other words, the Chargers won a challenge to help the Cardinals. Ah, replacement refs, I missed you so.
Broncos 27, Rams 26
No doubt Millen finishes off lots of guys with his kielbasas.
Redskins 30, Bills 7
That’s fine, but why should it affect people in Philadelphia? I live right outside of Philly, yet I didn’t have this game on TV. Fail, NFL Network.
I had no choice but to tune into Preseason Live on NFL.com, so I missed the Redskin telecast. It’s a shame because, as Chg wrote, “According to Joe Theismann, every single Redskins player has stood out this preseason.”
The Bills’ homer announcers that I heard were just as brutal. They spent 15 minutes chiding senile official Walt Coleman for missing a false start. I’m not exaggerating. That’s all they talked about, save for two mentions of the Bills’ Wall of Fame. One of the Buffalo homers even said that he wished he had a challenge flag so he could throw it at Coleman. These idiots need to calm down. It’s just the freaking preseason.
Bears 34, Raiders 26
The Raiders, meanwhile, have three 80-year-olds on their telecast. They spent a good five minutes discussing how 50-yard field goals were seldom attempted when they played. “When I played football, no one ever attempted 50-yard-field goalsh,” one geezer said.
I have no idea how these old men made it through this game without falling asleep, but they lasted long enough to produce one of the greatest homeristic statements you’ll ever hear:
“Jerry Jones likes to bill his team as America’s Team, but as we know, the Raiders are the World’s Team.”
I’m really going to miss these clowns come September.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Seahawks 17, Packers 10
“It’s the damn Barclays or whatever’s going on. How people can get excited about a bunch of rich white guys and a blasian smacking tiny balls with a stick is beyond me.”
Lions 40, Patriots 9
First, they called Zach Sudfeld “Kanoris Dee.” I have absolutely no idea who the hell Kanoris Dee is, or where they got that name from.
Second, they tried to pronounce Michael Michael Hoomanawanui. “Michael Homawanowmanea” is what the play-by-play guy came up with. If you think that’s bad, take a look at what the color analyst quipped:
“I think I’ll buy a vowel, Alex.”
You know, all of these years, I knew Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy. Little did I know that he wore a mask while running Wheel of Fortune as well. Mind blown.
Week 2:
Redskins 24, Steelers 13
Nah! The new 50-year-old offered up these two Gruden-esque gems during the broadcast:
“I’d trade a first-round pick in next April’s draft for Kirk Cousins.”
As CKane put it, “So that’s why he hasn’t found a new job yet.”
“Grossman is proving he can still play.”
Oh, yes, with a terrific showing in the preseason! What’s Grossman worth, a second-rounder?
Texans 24, Dolphins 17
I hate when people are on their cell phones when with someone else, so screw you, hot chick, cool dude with the backward baseball cap and the lesbian wearing a tight, white t-shirt (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I have to wonder though why the serial killer on the lower right wasn’t on his “mobile device.” Probably because he’s a serial killer, right?
The announcers also read some tweets from the fans. This one stood out:
TEXANS LOGO POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, fond memories of 2012.
Packers 19, Rams 7
Cardinals 12, Cowboys 7
Play-by-Play Guy: That looks like a fumble.
Color Analyst: I don’t know about that.
Play-by-Play Guy: You don’t think that’s a fumble?
Color Analyst: It looks like it’s coming out. Looks like a fumble.
The color analyst also did his best Matt Millen impression, discussing towel boys, football players looking like centaurs and mentioning meat products…
Color Analyst: He’s the meat-grinder, and he’s the beef!
Play-by-Play Guy: Uhh… what?
Unfortunately, this color analyst didn’t refer to anyone as “100-Percent USDA Man.”
49ers 15, Chiefs 13
You heard the man – get Smith on all of your teams because he’s such a fantasy stud!
Saints 28, Raiders 20
It’s only a matter of time before annoying protesters with sand in their vag complain about this because it promotes female abuse.
Ravens 27, Falcons 23
A premier corner in this league? Smith has five freaking starts in the NFL and couldn’t even keep up with the likes of Kevin Cone and Drew Davis! Yeah, sounds like a premier corner to me.
I replied, “Now that’s my type of cameraman!” I was curious to see this for myself, and sure enough, Clov’s post was entirely accurate. Here’s proof:
Browns 24, Lions 6
Later on, the play-by-play guy offered up this gem after Brandon Pettigrew’s drop: “Brandon Pettigrew, normally a sure-handed tight end out of Oklahoma State!”
Pettigrew, a sure-handed tight end? You mean the guy who tied for third among tight ends in drops (9) last year?
This play-by-play guy was speaking so quickly that it sounded like he was on coke or something. Kosar, meanwhile, seemed drunk, as he was slurring his words and saying weird things. Here are two of his quotes:
“Reggie’s speed and athleticism could… add another… umm… option to this Detroit…”
That’s it. “This Detroit.” This Detroit what? Then there’s this from the first quarter:
“There’s the… uhh… press coverage that we… I’ve… been talkin’ bout the last couple of games…” Last couple of games? There has only been one game so far, Bernie! I’m sure all of that alcohol makes it seem like you’ve broadcasted a couple of games, but that is sadly not the case.
Eagles 14, Panthers 9
Of course, Goodell is also brainwashing us with these hot chicks, like that girl and this cheerleader:
Roger, you sly bastatd…
Bears 33, Chargers 28
Week 1:
Bills 44, Colts 20
“There’s a new emphasis to stop the run.”
So they didn’t try to stop the run last year? Ah, that’s why their defense sucked.
“We got some big beef in the middle now.”
Sounds like something Matt Millen would enjoy.
“We have a new safety, LaRon Laundry.”
No relation to Dawan Laundry, one of the Jets’ safeties.
Lions 26, Jets 17
“Now, let’s look at the Detroit starters, sponsored by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Matthew Stafford’s the quarterback, Reggie Bush is the running back, and Calvin Johnson and Nate Burleson are the receivers. The skill positions are brought to you by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Stafford goes back to throw, and he finds Johnson for a first down! The first-down line is sponsored by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Now, back to the starters, brought to you by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory.”
We get it! Wallside Windows is the freaking factory!
Giants 18, Steelers 13
Is that an NFL player or a male porn star?
Oh, and if you scroll down to the Cowboys-Raiders recap, you’ll see a small rant about Roger Goodell profiting off these new bag rules. Here it is again, without the hot cheerleader this time:
How convenient that the fans are only allowed to bring in certain bags to the stadium and that they can buy these types of bags with the team logos on them! Yes, I’m sure Goodell really cares about everyone’s safety.
Panthers 24, Bears 17
Carolina’s broadcast also has a feature called Sweet Tweets, which are tweets promoted by Krispy Kreme. They’re almost always stupid. For instance…
Umm… how about, “who cares?” All of these players suck. #SWEETTWEETS.
Here’s another…
Yep, a cornerback is going to win the MVP this year. He’s much more valuable than Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady.
Dolphins 27, Jaguars 3
…the whole time?
Patriots 31, Eagles 22
“Did you know that Tebowing is recognized now as a word?”
Umm… were you people cryogenically frozen prior to the 2011 season, or something?
Redskins 22, Titans 21
Later, the play-by-play guy made a big deal about Hayden Panettiere being in attendance, as seen here:
Bulluck, upon seeing Miss Panettiere, commented, “I think I need to make a guest appearance on Nashville! I could be her love interest.”
Browns 27, Rams 19
The play-by-play guy, meanwhile, was a bit annoying when Jim Brown joined as a guest. He would continuously shout questions at Brown, like, “HEY JIM BROWN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BARKEVIOUS MINGO!?!?!?” or “HEY JIM BROWN, HOW MANY QUARTERS DO YOU THINK ALL OF THE STARTERS SHOULD PLAY IN THE PRESEASON!?!?!?”
Seahawks 31, Chargers 10
Fouts and color analyst Billy Ray Smith spend most of the broadcast trying to sell tickets. They promoted the food at the stadium when they had this guy on:
Did you know that they’re selling powder-blue popcorn? Powder-blue popcorn!
Fouts and Smith also spent a ton of energy talking up the schedule. They even had the owner on as a guest, who reiterated that the Chargers have a “nice schedule” with “so many good opponents coming in.” It’s a bit sad that San Diego has to look forward to quality opponents to sell tickets – especially when they have fans like this:
I think she’s a bit too happy that preseason football is back.
Ravens 44, Buccaneers 16
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