2013 NFL Preseason Announcer Mistakes

The following is a compilation of all the mistakes the inept, homer NFL announcers made this August. One of the best things about watching preseason games is making fun of these guys, so I decided to put all of their blunders together.

Week 4:

Cardinals 32, Broncos 24

  • The Cardinals’ color analyst, some guy they called Wolf, seemed like he was on the verge of a stroke. He kept shouting nonsensical things like:

    “Those vertexes are dangerous! Watch out for that vertex!”

    “I want to turn his nose into a nose ring!”

    “What if I took a tomato, put it in a blender and whipped it!?”

    All the play-by-play guy could do was laugh nervously. The poor guy was probably terrified.

    Rams 24, Ravens 21

  • The Rams’ announcers saw the players’ two errors and called with two mistakes of their own:

    After the Quick fumble, Marshall Faulk shouted at Jeff Fisher to challenge. Fisher didn’t throw the red flag, prompting Faulk to say, “Coach Fisher would’ve thrown the flag in the regular season!”

    Umm… no, he wouldn’t have – because all turnovers are automatically reviewed.

    The play-by-play guy went on to interview someone in the Rams’ front office (I didn’t catch who it was). It’s clear he wasn’t paying attention…

    Play-by-Play Guy: How do you make your final roster-cut decisions in terms of positions?

    Front Office Person: We like to keep the best 53, even if that might mean we’ll be a little light at some positions.

    Play-by-Play Guy: So how many cornerbacks do you plan on keeping?

    Umm… perhaps you should try listening, crappy play-by-play guy!

    Vikings 24, Titans 23

  • One announcing blunder: The Viking play-by-play person called Delanie Walker “Lavelle Hawkins.” Hawkins used to be a Titan, but he’s no longer on the team. What sort of out-of-date roster chart was this guy using?

    Browns 18, Bears 16

  • Two humorous things from this game: The first was J’Marcus Webb, who false started on the opening drive. He continues to be a bum, which is great.

    The second involved the Chicago announcers, who talked up Khaseem Greene because “he is perfect for the Bears’ defense because he creates turnovers.”

    What? Is there a coach out there who looks at a player and thinks, “This guy creates turnovers, so he is of no use to us?”

    Week 3:

    Buccaneers 17, Dolphins 16

  • There’s not much else to say about the Buccaneers, who are just going to be dreadful, so let’s get to the good stuff. I was so stoked to hear Miami’s broadcast because Bob Griese and his team are prone to saying incoherent things. Unfortunately, Griese was inexplicably sharp this evening. The analysts did, however, invite people to tweet at #finschat. I checked it out, and some of the things said in the “chat” were pretty funny:

    Saints 31, Texans 23

  • FOX has a national broadcast, so you’d expect their announcers to be more competent than the local guys. Then again, this telecast included Brian Billick, so anything was possible.

    Someone made a mistake when FOX displayed a graphic saying that Schaub made the Pro Bowl in 2009 and 2012. As this graphic was up, the play-by-play announcer said, “You may remember that Matt Schaub won the Pro Bowl MVP in 2010.”

    Uhh… awkward.

    The play-by-play guy also called Justin Forsett “Justin Dorsett.” Meanwhile, Brian Billick came up with this gem: “Duane Brown will take care of Matt Schaub’s backside.”

    Ahhhhhh, I have so many ways to make fun of this that I don’t even know where to start!

    Cowboys 24, Bengals 18

  • The Cowboy announcers didn’t make any egregious errors, but only because they spent 20 minutes talking about how stupid mock drafts are because Travis Frederick wasn’t slotted in the first round. They sounded like they had some major sand in their vages. It’s a shame too because a color analyst named Babe (not that there’s anything wrong with that) said that Julio Jones was picked seventh overall in 2011. Jones went sixth. Babe had so much potential to make more factual errors, so it sucks that he spent the entire time whining and complaining.

    Titans 27, Falcons 16

  • Tennessee’s announcers are good for some laughs. Check out this graphic of the Titans’ preseason rankings:

    First of all, I’ve never seen any broadcast list preseason rankings. Exhibition games are mostly played by practice-squad scrubs, so who cares? And second, Keith Bulluck commented, “I hope this carries over into the preseason!”

    Uhh… it is the preseason, bub.

    Bulluck later had the following weird exchange with the play-by-play guy after a bank advertisement:

    Play-by-Play Guy: Bank like a Titan!

    Bulluck: Some Titans…

    Play-by-Play Guy: I know two Titans who got bank!

    Bulluck: I know some who don’t!

    What a strange thing to say. But this is all nothing compared to this fantasy football advice:

    Umm… how about Chris… Johnson…? I wish @TitanNewsRumors could be in all of my fantasy leagues, though I suppose I’d feel bad for constantly stealing his money.

    Colts 27, Browns 6

  • I’m not sure why, but NFL.com aired the Indianapolis broadcast in the first quarter and the Cleveland telecast the rest of the game. Both teams made mistakes. The Colts’ announcers called Jordan Cameron “Jordan Chambers” and Darrius Heyward-Bey “Harrius Heyward-Bye.”

    The Browns’ play-by-play announcer, who talks so quickly that it sounds like he’s on speed, called Dominique Jones “Donald Jones.” Also, on a 3rd-and-4 play, he shouted, “They need about six for the first down!”

    Chargers 24, Cardinals 7

  • This was yet another game in which I heard both broadcasting teams for some reason. I had the Chargers’ telecast in the first quarter, so I got to hear Dan Fouts say that Rashard Mendenhall had “two thousand 1,000-yard rushing seasons in Pittsburgh.” Damn, that’s pretty impressive.

  • The NFL used replacement refs in the second half of this contest. Jerome Boger handled the officiating duties prior to halftime, but he handed over the reins to a chubby black man resembling Byron Leftwich following intermission. This guy screwed up terribly. Andre Roberts fumbled on one play, and the Chargers picked up the football. It was ruled incomplete. San Diego head coach Mike McCoy challenged the play. The chubby ref ultimately ruled it a catch and a fumble, but said “Arizona made a clear recovery.” That wasn’t the case at all, and even the homer Cardinal announcers were extremely confused by this.

    So, in other words, the Chargers won a challenge to help the Cardinals. Ah, replacement refs, I missed you so.

    Broncos 27, Rams 26

  • I’m not sure if Dan Dan Dierdorf has been hanging out with Matt Millen lately or not, but Dierdorf definitely had a Millen-esque moment at some point during the evening when he shouted, “You have to finish the guy off, come on!”

    No doubt Millen finishes off lots of guys with his kielbasas.

    Redskins 30, Bills 7

  • I really hate the NFL Network sometimes. Prior to kickoff, Lindsay Rhodes warned those in Buffalo and Washington, “Viewers in those markets could be subject to blackouts, so check local listings!”

    That’s fine, but why should it affect people in Philadelphia? I live right outside of Philly, yet I didn’t have this game on TV. Fail, NFL Network.

    I had no choice but to tune into Preseason Live on NFL.com, so I missed the Redskin telecast. It’s a shame because, as Chg wrote, “According to Joe Theismann, every single Redskins player has stood out this preseason.”

    The Bills’ homer announcers that I heard were just as brutal. They spent 15 minutes chiding senile official Walt Coleman for missing a false start. I’m not exaggerating. That’s all they talked about, save for two mentions of the Bills’ Wall of Fame. One of the Buffalo homers even said that he wished he had a challenge flag so he could throw it at Coleman. These idiots need to calm down. It’s just the freaking preseason.

    Bears 34, Raiders 26

  • I’m not sure why, but I heard both feeds while watching this game. I had Chicago’s broadcast in the first half, so I had the pleasure of hearing their play-by-play guy call Rashad Jennings “Rashard Jenkins” four times. This guy’s job is talking about football players, yet he can’t get the names correct. How does this happen? How do inept announcers like him continue to keep their jobs?

    The Raiders, meanwhile, have three 80-year-olds on their telecast. They spent a good five minutes discussing how 50-yard field goals were seldom attempted when they played. “When I played football, no one ever attempted 50-yard-field goalsh,” one geezer said.

    I have no idea how these old men made it through this game without falling asleep, but they lasted long enough to produce one of the greatest homeristic statements you’ll ever hear:

    “Jerry Jones likes to bill his team as America’s Team, but as we know, the Raiders are the World’s Team.”

    I’m really going to miss these clowns come September.

    Follow me @walterfootball for updates.

    Seahawks 17, Packers 10

  • This was CBS’ main broadcast of the weekend, but Jim Nantz was nowhere to be seen. Nantz, as it turns out, is covering some silly golf tournament that no one cares about. CreamRanger said it best:

    “It’s the damn Barclays or whatever’s going on. How people can get excited about a bunch of rich white guys and a blasian smacking tiny balls with a stick is beyond me.”

    Lions 40, Patriots 9

  • Two weeks ago, I made fun of the Detroit announcers because they constantly repeated the advertising slogan “Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory.” They were once again guilty of doing this, but there were two other instances that showcased their ineptitude.

    First, they called Zach Sudfeld “Kanoris Dee.” I have absolutely no idea who the hell Kanoris Dee is, or where they got that name from.

    Second, they tried to pronounce Michael Michael Hoomanawanui. “Michael Homawanowmanea” is what the play-by-play guy came up with. If you think that’s bad, take a look at what the color analyst quipped:

    “I think I’ll buy a vowel, Alex.”

    You know, all of these years, I knew Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy. Little did I know that he wore a mask while running Wheel of Fortune as well. Mind blown.

    Week 2:

    Redskins 24, Steelers 13

  • Today was Jon Gruden’s birthday, so maybe I shouldn’t make fun of him…

    Nah! The new 50-year-old offered up these two Gruden-esque gems during the broadcast:

    “I’d trade a first-round pick in next April’s draft for Kirk Cousins.”

    As CKane put it, “So that’s why he hasn’t found a new job yet.”

    “Grossman is proving he can still play.”

    Oh, yes, with a terrific showing in the preseason! What’s Grossman worth, a second-rounder?

    Texans 24, Dolphins 17

  • Speaking of the Texans’ broadcasters, the play-by-play guy called Lamar Miller “Jamar Miller.” Something more amusing was when he made fun of people for being on their “mobile devices” instead of watching the game. Here’s what he was looking at:

    I hate when people are on their cell phones when with someone else, so screw you, hot chick, cool dude with the backward baseball cap and the lesbian wearing a tight, white t-shirt (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I have to wonder though why the serial killer on the lower right wasn’t on his “mobile device.” Probably because he’s a serial killer, right?

    The announcers also read some tweets from the fans. This one stood out:

    TEXANS LOGO POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Meanwhile, the officiating in this game was brutal. There were several missed calls, and the refs had long conferences after every flag. If you haven’t heard, the NFL is trying out new officials this week to eventually groom some of them as successors. I’m guessing this guy isn’t going to make the cut. Like the replacement refs last year, he faced the wrong way when making an announcement:

    Ah, fond memories of 2012.

    Packers 19, Rams 7

  • You know who has it rough? NFL preseason announcers. The job is so taxing that they have to take off. Sure, they only broadcast four games, but they need a vacation! Marshall Faulk took one this week. The Rams’ play-by-play announcer informed the audience at the beginning of the telecast, “Marshall Faulk has the week off.” I really hope Faulk relaxed this Saturday night.

    Cardinals 12, Cowboys 7

  • Speaking of Kyle Orton, the Cardinals’ color analyst spent several minutes bashing him. He kept ranting about how Orton doesn’t have the leadership skills to be a starter in the NFL. “He has zero leadership ability, I’m serious, he cannot lead a team in this league,” the analyst constantly repeated himself. I’ve never heard anyone criticize Orton’s leadership; it’s more his arm that’s the issue.

  • The two Arizona announcers weren’t on the same page. On a Drew Stanton strip-sack, they had the following exchange:

    Play-by-Play Guy: That looks like a fumble.

    Color Analyst: I don’t know about that.

    Play-by-Play Guy: You don’t think that’s a fumble?

    Color Analyst: It looks like it’s coming out. Looks like a fumble.

    The color analyst also did his best Matt Millen impression, discussing towel boys, football players looking like centaurs and mentioning meat products…

    Color Analyst: He’s the meat-grinder, and he’s the beef!

    Play-by-Play Guy: Uhh… what?

    Unfortunately, this color analyst didn’t refer to anyone as “100-Percent USDA Man.”

    49ers 15, Chiefs 13

  • Oh, and one final thing. If you want fantasy football advice from someone else, how about the Chiefs’ play-by-play announcer? His tip: “You might want to draft Alex Smith on your fantasy team!”

    You heard the man – get Smith on all of your teams because he’s such a fantasy stud!

    Saints 28, Raiders 20

  • The South is an awesome place. The girls are hot and the weather’s warm. Oh, and there are also very strange companies willing to advertise at sporting events. Did you know that the Saints’ red zone is brought to us by the “Slap Ya Mama Cajun Products?” No, I’m not kidding. Here’s proof:

    It’s only a matter of time before annoying protesters with sand in their vag complain about this because it promotes female abuse.

    Ravens 27, Falcons 23

  • Speaking of the Ravens’ announcers, color analyst Qadry Ismail made the following comment in the first quarter: “Jimmy Smith is a premier corner in this league.”

    A premier corner in this league? Smith has five freaking starts in the NFL and couldn’t even keep up with the likes of Kevin Cone and Drew Davis! Yeah, sounds like a premier corner to me.

  • Oh, and forum member Clov pointed this out Thursday evening: “The cameraman in the Ravens game literally just got an upskirt on a cheerleader for 10 seconds. Focused directly on her panties.”

    I replied, “Now that’s my type of cameraman!” I was curious to see this for myself, and sure enough, Clov’s post was entirely accurate. Here’s proof:

    Browns 24, Lions 6

  • Oh, and yeah, I have to get to the Browns’ announcers. I was excited to hear Bernie Kosar after the flak he caught this week from Jeff Fisher, but it was the play-by-play guy who was more noticeable at first. He was shouting incoherently the entire time. He opened with: “This Cleveland Browns’ ginger report is brought to you by Toyota!” Maybe he meant to say “injury report,” but then again, Weeden’s hair color…

    Later on, the play-by-play guy offered up this gem after Brandon Pettigrew’s drop: “Brandon Pettigrew, normally a sure-handed tight end out of Oklahoma State!”

    Pettigrew, a sure-handed tight end? You mean the guy who tied for third among tight ends in drops (9) last year?

    This play-by-play guy was speaking so quickly that it sounded like he was on coke or something. Kosar, meanwhile, seemed drunk, as he was slurring his words and saying weird things. Here are two of his quotes:

    “Reggie’s speed and athleticism could… add another… umm… option to this Detroit…”

    That’s it. “This Detroit.” This Detroit what? Then there’s this from the first quarter:

    “There’s the… uhh… press coverage that we… I’ve… been talkin’ bout the last couple of games…” Last couple of games? There has only been one game so far, Bernie! I’m sure all of that alcohol makes it seem like you’ve broadcasted a couple of games, but that is sadly not the case.

    Eagles 14, Panthers 9

  • I mentioned last week that Roger Goodell has found a way to profit off his new bag rule. If you haven’t heard, the only big bags fans are allowed to bring into the stadium are these clear, plastic ones with team logos on them, which is what the male sideline reporter is holding in this picture:

    Of course, Goodell is also brainwashing us with these hot chicks, like that girl and this cheerleader:

    Roger, you sly bastatd…

    Bears 33, Chargers 28

  • Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer were the announcers in this game. Dilfer, taking after Jon Gruden, praised every single player on the field. He gushed over Charlie Whitehurst and even called Eric Weems a “great player.” Eric freaking Weems!

    Week 1:

    Bills 44, Colts 20

  • The Indianapolis announcers were homers who said some silly things. I already mentioned one:

    “There’s a new emphasis to stop the run.”

    So they didn’t try to stop the run last year? Ah, that’s why their defense sucked.

    “We got some big beef in the middle now.”

    Sounds like something Matt Millen would enjoy.

    “We have a new safety, LaRon Laundry.”

    No relation to Dawan Laundry, one of the Jets’ safeties.

    Lions 26, Jets 17

  • The announcers on Detroit’s broadcast network didn’t make any mistakes that I noticed, but the play-by-play guy said the following about 20 times during the first quarter: “Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory.” It seriously went like this:

    “Now, let’s look at the Detroit starters, sponsored by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Matthew Stafford’s the quarterback, Reggie Bush is the running back, and Calvin Johnson and Nate Burleson are the receivers. The skill positions are brought to you by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Stafford goes back to throw, and he finds Johnson for a first down! The first-down line is sponsored by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory. Now, back to the starters, brought to you by Wallside Windows. We can do that. We are the factory.”

    We get it! Wallside Windows is the freaking factory!

    Giants 18, Steelers 13

  • Speaking of crappy, backup quarterbacks, check out what David Carr now looks like:

    Is that an NFL player or a male porn star?

    Oh, and if you scroll down to the Cowboys-Raiders recap, you’ll see a small rant about Roger Goodell profiting off these new bag rules. Here it is again, without the hot cheerleader this time:

    How convenient that the fans are only allowed to bring in certain bags to the stadium and that they can buy these types of bags with the team logos on them! Yes, I’m sure Goodell really cares about everyone’s safety.

    Panthers 24, Bears 17

  • The Panther announcers said some interesting things. For instance, the play-by-play guy commented, “The worst five teams in the NFL are playing tonight.” Strange that he already knows which five teams are the worst. I wish I had a crystal ball like him.

    Carolina’s broadcast also has a feature called Sweet Tweets, which are tweets promoted by Krispy Kreme. They’re almost always stupid. For instance…

    Umm… how about, “who cares?” All of these players suck. #SWEETTWEETS.

    Here’s another…

    Yep, a cornerback is going to win the MVP this year. He’s much more valuable than Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady.

    Dolphins 27, Jaguars 3

  • The Jaguars’ announcers repeatedly pissed me off. They seldom mentioned any names. For example, they’d say, “Tannehill throws it to that guy!” or “That guy made a nice tackle!” Would it seriously kill them to mention who caught the pass or who made the tackle? Or were they too busy leering at Tera Barz…

    …the whole time?

    Patriots 31, Eagles 22

  • The Eagles’ broadcasters have improved over the years. Indeed, the era of Kevin Reilly yelling at Herm Edwards and calling Maurice Jones-Drew “Maurice Drew-Jones” is long gone. However, they did offer up one gem:

    “Did you know that Tebowing is recognized now as a word?”

    Umm… were you people cryogenically frozen prior to the 2011 season, or something?

    Redskins 22, Titans 21

  • The Titans’ broadcast featured two color analysts, Eddie George and Keith Bulluck. The latter had some hilarious quotes. After Rex Grossman took a sack, he said, “Something Rex Grossman can still do is take sacks, buddy.”

    Later, the play-by-play guy made a big deal about Hayden Panettiere being in attendance, as seen here:

    Bulluck, upon seeing Miss Panettiere, commented, “I think I need to make a guest appearance on Nashville! I could be her love interest.”

    Browns 27, Rams 19

  • The Browns’ telecast wasn’t too bad, though color analyst Bernie Kosar sounded like he was half-asleep. Kosar also provided us with some false information when he said, “Jeff Fisher’s been picking a lot of young DBs with those high draft picks in St. Louis.”

    The play-by-play guy, meanwhile, was a bit annoying when Jim Brown joined as a guest. He would continuously shout questions at Brown, like, “HEY JIM BROWN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BARKEVIOUS MINGO!?!?!?” or “HEY JIM BROWN, HOW MANY QUARTERS DO YOU THINK ALL OF THE STARTERS SHOULD PLAY IN THE PRESEASON!?!?!?”

    Seahawks 31, Chargers 10

  • The Chargers’ telecast was strange in that Dan Fouts, who is usually a color analyst, took the reins as the play-by-play guy. I appreciated that he knew the difference between “farther” and “further,” but he referred to Malcom Floyd as “Malcom McCoy,” and then called Stephen Williams “Stephen Jackson.”

    Fouts and color analyst Billy Ray Smith spend most of the broadcast trying to sell tickets. They promoted the food at the stadium when they had this guy on:

    Did you know that they’re selling powder-blue popcorn? Powder-blue popcorn!

    Fouts and Smith also spent a ton of energy talking up the schedule. They even had the owner on as a guest, who reiterated that the Chargers have a “nice schedule” with “so many good opponents coming in.” It’s a bit sad that San Diego has to look forward to quality opponents to sell tickets – especially when they have fans like this:

    I think she’s a bit too happy that preseason football is back.

    Ravens 44, Buccaneers 16

  • Speaking of TV announcers, Ronde Barber was the Buccaneers’ color analyst. He didn’t look very comfortable on camera; in fact, he looked like he was about to hurl before kickoff. Meanwhile, play-by-play announcer Chris Myers called Tandon Doss “Brandon Doss.” He also referred to Jimmy Smith as “Chykie Brown.” Furthermore, I missed this, but forum member Rofldogs noted that Myers thought a neutral-zone infraction would result in a 30-yard gain.

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