The following is a compilation of all the mistakes the inept, homer NFL announcers made this August. One of the best things about watching preseason games is making fun of these guys, so I decided to put all of their blunders together.
1. I absolutely hate the fact that most of the NFL analysts on TV know nothing about fantasy football. Most people watch football for fantasy purposes, so shouldn’t these guys at least understand the rules of fantasy football? It was clearly evident that the Bills’ announcers had no clue when one of them said this gem in their third game:
“If you had Fred Jackson as your fantasy running back, that was a pretty good drive for you.”
Damn it. I benched Jackson this week. In my preseason fantasy football league. Oh wait, I forgot, I don’t play preseason fantasy football, and neither does anyone else on this entire planet.
The Bills’ broadcasting network also had this hilarious screw-up when flashing the scores from the other games that night:
2. The play-by-play guy in the second Broncos’ game called Jacob Tamme “Jason Tamme,” but the more egregious blunder was the color analyst’s “keys to the game,” which included “Keep Manning healthy” and “homefield advantage.”
Homefield advantage? In the preseason? What the hell does homefield advantage matter in the preseason?
The guy’s reasoning for this? “The Broncos need to get back to their winning ways at home.” Ah, OK. Much more important than keeping everyone else healthy in a meaningless game.
3. The exchange between the two Cleveland broadcasters prior to kickoff of the finale was highly amusing. Here’s what they were talking about:
“I feel like I’ve been asking you this every week. Who’s the backup quarterback!?”
“We don’t know yet, but we also have to discover who will be the third-string quarterback!”
One guy has been asking the other who the backup quarterback is every week? Why? Oh, and if you don’t trust me, here’s a graphic they pulled up right after this conversation:
And that is why Preseason Week 4 is utterly worthless.
***
I have to wonder though about that last one – do the Cleveland announcers ever take their home with them? Like, do they ever talk about what they discuss with each other with their wives? I can only imagine if this were the case…
Announcer’s Wife: Ohhhh… ohhhhhhhhh… yeaahhhh… yeahhhhh that’s it…
Announcer: I need to discuss something with you.
Announcer’s Wife: Ohhh… ohhhhhhhh… are you going to tell me how dirty I am?
Announcer: No, I was actually wondering whom you think will win the Browns’ backup quarterbacking job.
Announcer’s Wife: Umm… what?
Announcer: Oh, and while we’re at it, I need to know who the third quarterback will be as well. My partner doesn’t know either, and we spent five hours discussing it today.
Announcer’s Wife: Get out…
Announcer: But can you tell me first? Will it be Colt McCoy?
Announcer’s Wife: I said, get out!
Announcer: Jeez, my broadcasting partner would never treat me like this. That’s it, I’m going to his house to discuss the team’s backup quarterback. Maybe he’s had some new ideas in the couple of hours we’ve been apart.
If you’ve been reading this Web site for a while, you know that this wasn’t the first preseason in which I made fun of the homer announcers. Here are some of my favorite quotes of theirs from over the years:
5. Raiders Announcers in 2010: “The Cowboys call themselves ‘America’s Team.’ Well, the Raiders are the planet’s team!”
4. Miami announcers Dick Stockton, Nat Moore and the senile Bob Griese are always good for funny material, and they certainly provided some in their Week 1 contest in 2011. In the first quarter, Griese claimed he didn’t know who Ryan Kalil was when Stockton mentioned the Panther center’s contract extension. Even worse was this exchange between Stockton and Griese in the second quarter:
Dick Stockton: Get your tickets for the Dolphins-Texans game on Sept. 18!
Bob Griese: What’d you call them? The Texas?
Dick Stockton: The Texans.
Bob Griese: Those are the Dallas Texans?
Dick Stockton: No, those would be the Houston Texans.
Bob Griese: Ohhh…
3. Here’s an exchange between Bob Griese and Dick Stockton in 2010. Take a look at how out of it Stockton was:
Griese: When I was playing football, we had one 300-pound lineman in the NFL. One! In 2000, there were 300 300-pound linemen. Guess how many 300-pound linemen there were this year?
Stockton: 85.
Griese: There were 345 guys who were 300 pounds or more!
I don’t know what’s worse – Stockton’s terrible guess or Griese’s very questionable fact.
2. Eagles’ play-by-play guy Don Tollefson had the following to say about Nnamdi Asomugha in Week 1 of 2011:
I’m sure many young women in the Delaware Valley would love to cook and clean for Nnamdi (Asomugha), but he’s so versatile that he could probably cook and clean for them.
A combination of sexism, stupidity and homerism? Only in the preseason.
1. The Eagles Television Network perennially has the worst announcers in the league. I already discussed Don Tollefson in the other capsule. Here are some gaffes from Kevin Reilly, Herm Edwards and Hugh Douglas in 2009:
Reilly always used to make factual mistakes, calling Maurice Jones-Drew “Maurice Drew-Jones;” referring to Torry Holt as “Terry Holt;” and telling the viewers that the Eagles were playing the “Jacksonville Jag-wires.” The misinformed Reilly also said of an Eagles player, “He can be big for US this year.” Us? Are you on the roster, Kevin?
Edwards and Douglas were just as painful to listen to. On one occasion, Douglas did his best Emmitt Smith impression by saying, “One of things he does that’s extremely well, he catches the ball when it’s thrown to him.” As opposed to catching the ball well when it’s not thrown to him?
Another of Douglas’ quotes: “You cannot talk about the defense without talking about Michael Vick.” Really? I didn’t know QB Dog Killer plays on defense.
Herm, meanwhile, was always incoherent. Check out this bit of analysis when he was talking about an illegal contact penalty:
“I’m OK with the first down! I’m OK with the five yards! What I don’t like is the first down!”
Two other Herm quotes:
– After a Jason Babin sack: “Here’s the key now! Here’s the key! Uhh… ummm…”
– After a poor play by QB Dog Killer: “That’s good! That’s good! That’s OK! That’s good! That’s OK!”
The best part was that Reilly always had hostility toward Herm for some reason. He either disregarded whatever Herm said, or just completely cut him off. Here are some examples:
Herm: This kid… he was at… Missouri… he was a weapon… he…
Reilly: We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors!
Another even more blatant instance:
Reilly: What happened there, coach?
Herm: Uhh…
Reilly: We’ll be right back after this!
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