The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Two years ago, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart has come into our world. No one is aware that Tom Brady is now Evil Tom Brady, which is great for Evil Tom Brady because he can begin devastating the world…
Stephen Colbert: Hello, hello, welcome to the show. Great show planned tonight. I’ve been working on my monologue, it’s great humor, great humor. Why did the Donald Trump cross the road? Because he’s an a**hole, oh, that’s great humor, great humor.
Robotic Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Stephen Colbert: In other news, knock knock. Who’s there? Donald Trump.
*** Listens desperately for laughter from the audience; a few people chuckle. ***
Stephen Colbert: Donald Trump…who? Donald Trump is an a**hole, oh!!! Great humor, great humor.
Robotic Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Stephen Colbert: Anyway, we have a special guest tonight, and it’s Tom Brady. Tom Brady, how are you doing?
Evil Tom Brady: Great, Stephen, thanks for having me. I brought these drinks for us to try.
Stephen Colbert: Oh, how I hope they’re Donald Trump’s tears! Oh, great humor, great humor!
Robotic Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Stephen Colbert: Now, Tom, I need to ask you about Donald Trump. So, Donald Trump walks into a bar. And the bartender says, “You’re an a**hole!” Oh, great humor, great humor!
Robotic Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Stephen Colbert: Now, Tom, let’s get to these drinks. What are they exactly?
Evil Tom Brady: They’re part of my diet, Stephen. It’s how I’m able to be a great quarterback despite my advanced age.
Stephen Colbert: Oh, if only Donald Trump could drink this – then maybe he’d be a great president despite his advanced age! Oooohhh yeah, great humor, great humor!
Robotic Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Evil Tom Brady: You are great at humor, Stephen. All of these Donald Trump jokes are doing wonders for your ratings, and you seem to have such an intelligent audience that understands how amazing your humor is.
Stephen Colbert: Yes, yes, one would say I’m a comedic genius, for I, Stephen Colbert, have spent countless hours writing these Donald Trump jokes.
Evil Tom Brady: So, Stephen, how about we celebrate with these drinks?
Stephen Colbert: Sure, I could use some celebration time!
*** Stephen drinks the yellow liquid, and spits it out immediately. ***
Stephen Colbert: WHAT!? THIS IS URINE! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DRINK URINE!?
Evil Tom Brady: Why, Stephen, how do you know how urine tastes like? Hmm…?
Stephen Colbert: I… oh… you got me… I’m a chronic urine drinker. I drink people’s urine.
Robotic Studio Audience: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, you do, and now everyone knows. Your mediocre career is over. Goodbye, Stephen, I’m sure I will see you on the street soon asking for change.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert last week. Now, he has taken his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot…
Photographer: Great photoshoot, guys and gals. Great photoshoot. Excellent. Now, people will surely buy our product.
Drunk on Right: Greeeat jjoobbob guuyyyss hiiicc! Lleett’s’s ttaakkee mmooree ppiicctuueeess bebeccauuasee I”mm ththeee ooonnllyy oonnee giiivvinngg a thhuummbbbss uppp.
Ugly Girl Second From Right: Ewww you sooo ugly, and your breess sooo stinky.
Hot Red Head: I’m the prettiest one here, unlike you, ugly second-from-right girl and drunken idiot. Now, any of you hot guys wanna bang?
Skinny Guy: I would do it, but I am afraid my penis would snap in half because I’m sooo skinny…
Guy Second From Left: Count me out. I made sure to stand next to Tom Brady because he’s the one I want to bang.
Drunk on Right: Hoowow cmmmee nnoo oonnen wannatt hhaahvvee seexxuualllss wiitthh mmeee hic? Loookkk Ii ssoo coooll giiivivnngg thuummmbbs uppp!
Ugly Girl Second From Right: Ewww you sooo sttuuupid and your breeesss soooo stinky.
Brunette in Middle: You people are such idiots. As the only person here too cool to show this crappy Tag Heuer watch, I can honestly say that it’s been a waste of time working with you.
Skinny Guy: Stop yelling! I’m so skinny that I might snap in half if you continue to yell, waaaahhh!!!
Guy Second From Left: Hey, where did Tom Brady go? My boner was leaning on him this entire time, and now my boner is leaning on Skinny Guy.
Skinny Guy: Your boner is too big for me, and my bones are cracking, waaaahhh!!!
*** Evil Tom Brady emerges from the background with a machine gun. ***
Evil Tom Brady: The only reason I came to this Tag Heuer photoshoot was to murder all of you annoying people. I don’t even know what Tag Heuer is! Take this, scum!
*** Evil Tom Brady shoots everyone except for Hot Red Head. ***
Hot Red Head: Thank you for sparing me, Tom Brady! You are so kind!
Evil Tom Brady: Don’t thank me just yet. I only spared you because you are to be my sex slave. As you said, you were the prettiest one here. Now, let’s see you live up to it.
Drunk on Right: Waiiitt waaiiiitt… I nnootot… ddeead yyyeett… I giigivve… oonnee fiinnalll… thummmbbss… uuu…
*** Evil Tom Brady shoots him before he gives one more final thumbs up. ***
Evil Tom Brady: F*** your thumbs up, you drunkard.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert two weeks ago. He then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. Now, he has gone to Tokyo for a gaming convention…
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen of Tokyo, thank you for attending our annual gaming convention. Now, I’d like to present Tom Brady!
Evil Tom Brady: Thank you, thank you, so grad be here in Tokyo!!!
Guy in Light Blue Shirt: Oh, Tom, thank you for coming! You’re my favorite American role model!
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, I so grad be rore moder in Tokyo for you Japanese peopre!
Guy on Left in Dark Blue Shirt: I, umm, Tom, forgive me if you’re under the weather or something, but why are you speaking in a stereotypical Asian accent where you just change your Ls to Rs? We’ve heard you talk before, and you don’t talk like this.
Evil Tom Brady: I tark rike this because I in country of Tokyo, excruse me for trying to embrace Japanese curture!
Guy on Right in Dark Blue Shirt: Japanese culture? You think our culture is changing our Ls to Rs? Why are you being a dick?
Evil Tom Brady: I not being dick! I great dipromat! Now, take me to your reader, Kim Jong-un!
Guy in Light Blue Shirt: Kim Jong-un? That’s North Korea, buddy. This is Japan.
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, I assume arr Asian country same thing because arr you rook the same!
Guy on Left in Dark Blue Shirt: Dude, you better get the f**k out of here before we beat your a**.
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, but you not gonna beat anything. Because whire we arr tark, I distract you. I have my sex srave hack your computer, so all computer in Japan have virus on it.
Guy on Right in Dark Blue Shirt: Why… why did you do this? Our country is now in ruin.
Evil Tom Brady: Why? Because I am now your reader. Bow to me, Japanese, peopre, for I am Evir Tom Brady, and I have destroy you arr!
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan. This week, Evil Tom Brady met up with Rob Gronkowski.
Evil Tom Brady: Hello, Robert. How are you? I am fine, as you can see by my loosened tie. This makes me look more casual so people won’t see me coming when I backstab them.
Rob Gronkowski: I VERY CONFUSE! WHO ROBERT? WHERE ROBERT? WHAT ROBERT?
Evil Tom Brady: You’re Robert. As in Robert, or Rob Gronkowski.
Rob Gronkowski: WOW I NO EVEN REALIZE I HAVE FIRST NAME. I THOUGHT MY NAME JUST GRONK.
Evil Tom Brady: No, it’s Rob Gronkowski. Actually, Robert Gronkowski.
Rob Gronkowski: I SO CONFUSE ARE MY FIRST NAME ROB OR ROBERT OR DO I HAVE TWO FIRST NAME??? MAYBE ROBERT ROB GRONK!!!
Evil Tom Brady: They’re- you know what? Never mind. How have you been, Gronk?
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG! GRONK LOVE PARTY!
Evil Tom Brady: Great! Guess what? I have a special item that will make you party harder.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK WANT! GRONK WANT!
Evil Tom Brady: Here they are. These glasses will make you a party expert!
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT I DO WITH GLASSES!? DO I PUT IN BUTT OR DO I EAT!?
Evil Tom Brady: No, stop putting it into your a**hole. Put it on your eyes. There you go.
Rob Gronkowski: I NO CAN SEE! ALL I CAN SEE IS PINK WHALE! I BLIND EXCEPT FOR PINK WHALE SEE!
Evil Tom Brady: Buhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Rob Gronkowski: NO, WHY YOU DO THIS NOW GRONK BLIND! GRONK BLIND AND NEVER GONNA SEE ANYTHING EXCEPT PINK WHALE AGAIN! GRONK NO CAN PARTY IF GRONK ONLY SEE PINK WHALE!
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, that is correct. I, Evil Tom Brady, have ruined your party days, Robert.
Rob Gronkowski: WHO ROBERT? I ROBERT?
Evil Tom Brady: Buhahahahahaha!
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. This week, he met up with an old friend…
Evil Tom Brady: Hello, Gisele. You look rather dashing on this fine evening.
Gisele: Let’s cut to the chase, Tom. I know you’re not the real Tom Brady. Rather, you are Evil Tom Brady.
Evil Tom Brady: Wait, what!? How did you know that!?
Gisele: I was part of the master plan to bring you into this world, Evil Tom Brady. My associates and I created the fake sign that said “President Putin’s Secret Lair” so that the real Tom Brady would be stuck in the Evil Lodge, allowing you to replace him.
Evil Tom Brady: Your associates? Who are your associates?
Gisele: All in due time, Evil Tom. All in due time. First, I must learn if I can trust you.
Evil Tom Brady: Trust me with what?
Gisele: Your dedication to true evil, Evil Tom. Yes, you go by Evil Tom, and you’ve destroyed some careers and countries thus far, but are you truly evil like me, Evil Tom Brady?
Evil Tom Brady: Yes! Just look at the outfit I’m wearing. It’s a truly evil super villain’s outfit!
Gisele: That may be true, Evil Tom, but actions speak louder than, well, ugly clothes.
Evil Tom Brady: So, what can I do to earn your trust?
Gisele: Well, we are at this fancy gala, aren’t we? If you can commit three counts of evil here, tonight, I will move one step closer to trusting you.
Evil Tom Brady: You can count on me, Gisele. I won’t let you down!
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. This week, he is proving to Gisele that he is pure evil…
Evil Tom Brady: Hello again, Gisele. I have done what you’ve asked.
Gisele: Truly, Evil Tom? Tell me about the three evil acts you’ve accomplished tonight at this fancy gala.
Evil Tom Brady: I saw Robert De Niro here. He looked at me and knew I was a Trump supporter, so he said, “F**k Trump.” So, I looked back at him and said, “F**k you!”
Gisele: That’s not exactly evil, Evil T-
Evil Tom Brady: And then I slit his throat!
Gisele: I stand corrected. That’s one. What’s your second act of true evil?
Evil Tom Brady: I saw Rose McGowan standing in the corner there. You know, the actress who was sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein?
Gisele: Yes.
Evil Tom Brady: So, I decided to pick up where Harvey Weinstein left off!
Gisele: You molested her?
Evil Tom Brady: No, I slit her throat! Haha!
Gisele: I… well… that truly is evil. I’m almost afraid to ask what your third act of evil was.
Evil Tom Brady: Well, there was this orphan child standing outside, wanting to use the bathroom, and…
Gisele: Welcome aboard to my evil empire, Evil Tom Brady! I shall seal our pact with a kiss.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first…
Evil Tom Brady: Gisele, I have proven to you that I am pure evil. Who are the other evil members of your association so that we may take over the world together?
Gisele: Evil Tom, you need to do one more thing for me. You must hypnotize Oprah Winfrey.
Evil Tom Brady: OK, just as long as I get to slit her throat afterward!
Gisele: No, Evil Tom. We need her. She claims to have the power to make dreams come true, and we need her to do that. Do not kill her. Just hypnotize her.
Evil Tom Brady: Buuut Giiiseellleeeeee!!!
Gisele: I said no, Evil Tom!
*** Evil Tom Brady’s agent schedules an interview with Oprah Winfrey… ***
Oprah: Hello, Thomas, it is great to schedule this interview with you.
Evil Tom Brady: Same here, Oprah! I love your TV show where you give away free things, though I am often saddened that I do not get any free things.
Oprah: Do you really need a free thing, Thomas? You are a very rich man. Speaking of things you don’t need, why do you have a knife with you? I hope you aren’t going to use that on me, haha!
Evil Tom Brady: Noooo, Gisele said I can’t!
Oprah: Oh haha, you are so funny, Thomas. No wonder you are such a great success. In honor of you being such a great success, I’m giving out more thiiiings. You get a free car, and you get a free car, and you get a free car, everyone gets a free car!
Evil Tom Brady: Me too?
Oprah: No, Thomas, I already said you don’t need one.
Evil Tom Brady: Buuuuut Ooooppraahhhh!!!
Oprah: No, Thomas. I said no. I said- your shirt- your shirt is so interesting.
Evil Tom Brady: Ah yes, I almost forgot. Stare into my shirt, Oprah.
Oprah: Your shirt… your shirt is so pretty.
Evil Tom Brady: Look at my shirt, Oprah. Keep looking.
Oprah: Your- you- sh- shi- you-
Evil Tom Brady: Stare, Oprah. Stare. And give me a free car, while you’re at it.
Oprah: Yes. Free car- Thomas- free- shirt- free- Thomas-
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, I have achieved victory! A free car from Oprah!
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. Mission accomplished, but now what?
Evil Tom Brady: La la la la, I am Evil Tom Brady, la la la la. I love walking on the beach and touching my nipples, la la la la.
Gisele: Evil Tom, what in Satan’s name are you doing?
Evil Tom Brady: I am walking on the beach and touching my nipples, la la la la.
Gisele: I thought you were evil, Evil Tom! What is so evil about walking on the beach and touching your nipples?
Evil Tom Brady: Why Gisele, I have slit the throats of some clams and fish that have washed ashore. Surely, that is evil enough for you to finally tell me who the evil members of your organization are.
Gisele: Slitting throats of clams and fish is a waste of time! I thought we had something special here, but you are not being evil enough for me, Evil Tom. We even hypnotized Oprah to make dreams come true, and you’re wasting time with this nonsense!
Evil Tom Brady: But I asked Oprah to make my dream come true, and my dream is to walk on the beach and touch my nipples, la la la la.
Gisele: This is so frustrating. We need Oprah for more than just beach walking and nipple touching. I am sorry to say this, Evil Tom, but you must prove your devotion to me.
Evil Tom Brady: How do I do that? La la la la.
Gisele: You must don the ugliest shirt ever. One that says you are truly devoted to me. And I have it right here.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. Now, he must prove his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap.
Evil Tom Brady: How do I look, Gisele?
Gisele: Wow, Evil Tom. Wow.
Evil Tom Brady: Wow good, or wow bad?
Gisele: Wow bad, but only because we are evil, so it’s really wow good for regular people.
Evil Tom Brady: So you like it? I think it is rather hideous.
Gisele: Oh, it is. It is absolutely hideous. It might be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. Previously, the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen was Sarah Jessica Parker, but now it is this shirt.
Evil Tom Brady: So, why do you like it, then?
Gisele: Because it is so hideous that only someone with a deranged mind would wear it, Evil Tom. Only a sick psychopath would don this abysmal piece of fabric.
Evil Tom Brady: I told you, Gisele. I am the sick, evil psychopath you were looking for.
Gisele: It appears you were right, Evil Tom. And you love Gisele, just like the shirt says. So, I will reveal the member of my evil organization, and that would be Peyton Manning, Tom. It’s been Peyton all along trying to help me stop the good version of yourself.
Evil Tom Brady: Peyton? Why Peyton?
Gisele: Because he’s jealous of you. Not you, you, but the good version of you. Unlike Peyton, you have enjoyed playoff success. He wanted to destroy you. But now that I am partnered with you, or the evil version of you, he has gone off the rails. You must destroy him, Evil Tom, before he stops our evil plans.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. Now, after proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele has asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her.
TSA Agent: Welcome to the Boston Logan International Airport. Where are you flying this afternoon?
Evil Tom Brady: I am flying to Mother Russia in search of Peyton Manning, who surely is hiding with Vladimir Putin.
TSA Agent: “Mother” Russia? You aren’t a Russian spy, are you? You do look like one…
Evil Tom Brady: Russian spy? I most certainly am not a Russian spy. I am an evil madman!
TSA Agent: An evil madman, eh? Sir, would you please subject yourself to a full-body search?
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, but only if you use three fingers when you search my butt hole.
TSA Agent: Butt hole? We don’t insert anything into the buttocks.
Evil Tom Brady: I’m going to have to insist. Three fingers, no less. I can be talked into four fingers.
TSA Agent: Sir, if you don’t stop this nonsense talk, we’re going to have to detain you.
Evil Tom Brady: And if you don’t stop denying me, I am going to have to do some evil acts to you. I slit the throats of Robert De Niro and Rose McGowan. I turned Rob Gronkowski into a blind man. I made Stephen Colbert admit that he drinks urine. I won’t hesitate to end you.
TSA Agent: End me? Security, please arrest this man!
*** Evil Tom Brady sighed and quickly stripped his pants. He then inserted three fingers into his own butt hole. There was a large explosion, and everyone at the airport but Evil Tom Brady and the TSA agent died. ***
Evil Tom Brady: I wanted you to blow everyone up, but I just had to do it myself.
TSA Agent: You… you truly are a madman.
Evil Tom Brady: I told you. Now, about those fingers…
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. Now, after proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele has asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her.
TSA Agent: Welcome to the Boston Logan Int- no, it’s you!
Evil Tom Brady: Indeed. Tis I, Evil Tom Brady, and I am back from Mother Russia.
TSA Agent: Please don’t hurt me!
Evil Tom Brady: Why would I hurt you before I told you about what happened on my trip!? I landed in Mother Russia and drove to President Putin’s manor…
Russian Butler: Vhat you vant?
Evil Tom Brady: I am here to see Peyton Manning. I know he is here as a guest of President Putin’s.
Russian Butler: President Putin no vant guests, go avay.
*** Evil Tom Brady slit Russian Butler’s throat and walked into the mansion. He found President Putin and Peyton Manning playing Clue in the study. ***
Vladimir Putin: Vaz it Miss Vhite vis lyed pipe in Rooskie sauna?
Peyton Manning: Nope. This incorrect answer was brought to you by Huggies. Huggies, there’s nothing like a hug.
Evil Tom Brady: Hello, idiots. Tis I, Evil Tom Brady!
Vladimir Putin: Vhat you vant? You already defeated Rooskie team on American football game, to please.
Evil Tom Brady: That wasn’t me. That was my good counterpart. I am Evil Tom Brady, and I’ve been an admirer of your work, Vladimir. I’ve come for Peyton Manning.
Vladimir Putin: But we playing great game. Vhy not you join us, or I kill some Ukranian guy?
Evil Tom Brady: Please, kill all the Ukranians you want. I want to kill Peyton.
Vladimir Putin: Oho, I get kill Ukranian guy, zis great day be alive, to please!
Peyton Manning: Don’t hurt me, Evil Tom! I beg you! This plea for help is brought to you by Big Brothers Big Sisters of America. Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, big magic.
Evil Tom Brady: The only way I may spare your life is if you tell me why you betrayed Gisele.
Peyton Manning: I wanted to bring down the regular version of you, Tom. I was jealous. However, Gisele lured the good version of you into a fake lair, and that version of you will be trapped for eternity. Now, there’s an evil version of you terrorizing the world, and Gisele has even worse plans. She plans to use Oprah’s dream-making ability to evolve you into a final form, an even more evil version of yourself. This explanation is brought to you by Jell-O. There’s always room for Jell-O.
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, and there’s always room for my knife to slice into your throat, haha!
Evil Tom Brady: So, that’s my story. That’s how it went down in Mother Russia.
TSA Agent: Pl… pl… p-p-p-please…
Evil Tom Brady: Please what? You want to stick your fingers inside my butt hole that badly? OK, go right ahead. Four this time.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. After proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her. He managed to do so, meaning he gets to commandeer all of Manning’s commercials…
Evil Tom Brady: Why can’t something be just great!? It starts with questions, and questions turn into questions and…
Director: Tom, it’s “questions turn into assumptions.” Let’s take it from the top!
Evil Tom Brady: Why can’t something be just great!? It starts with assumptions, and assumptions turn into questions and…
Director: Tom, once again, it’s “questions turn into assumptions.” Can you get your lines in order, please?
Evil Tom Brady: Maybe I’d have my lines in order if these two gentlemen here weren’t upstaging me!
Closest Guy: Tom Brady, how- how are we upstaging you?
Farthest Guy: Yeah, we’re just happy to be here. We’re not even getting paid because we get to hang out with you.
Evil Tom Brady: Well, I do suppose that’s a great perk. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to hang out with Tom Brady? OK, I think I got this.
Director: Action!
Evil Tom Brady: Why can’t something be just great!? It starts with questions, and assumptions turn into assumptions and…
Director: Cut, cut!
Evil Tom Brady: I got it right this time!
Director: No, Tom, it’s “questions turn into assumptions.” Maybe we should take five while you learn your lines.
Evil Tom Brady: I don’t need to learn my lines. I know my lines! It’s because I have to share the stage with these two losers. I am Tom Brady, and I need to be the star!
Director: But you are the star…
Evil Tom Brady: The fact that these losers have any lines at all is unacceptable. Give me all the lines. I can handle them.
Director: So, you want to respond to yourself, and then storm out of the diner because you’re pissed off at something you said?
Evil Tom Brady: Yes! In fact, I should be the only person in the diner. Give me the f***ing spatula, I’ll make my own f***ing pancakes and serve them to myself, and then I’ll say something about questions, and then I’ll respond to myself, and then I’ll tell myself that I’ve lost my appetite. Now that’s great television. Make me a f***ing star, and get these two f***ers out of here before I slit their throats!
Director (quietly): Man, it was so much easier working with Peyton…
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. After proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her. He managed to do so, meaning he gets to commandeer all of Manning’s commercials…
Evil Tom Brady: Thanks for landing me this advertising gig, Gisele. You’re the best evil wife/evil agent a man could ever hope for.
Gisele: It is my pleasure, Evil Tom. I thought you would seem perfect for Huggies. A natural fit.
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, it’s a product I am familiar with, having worn Huggies all my life. Before I begin filming, how is the Oprah Winfrey dream-drilling going?
Gisele: We’re almost there. We’ve been digging in her brain for quite some time now, and I am confident that we will soon be able to make our evil dreams come true.
Evil Tom Brady: Great, well I’m off to shoot this ad.
Gisele: Good luck, Evil Tom. If only you knew what dreams I have in store for you…
Evil Tom Brady: Did you just say something?
Gisele: I said break a leg.
Evil Tom Brady: Break a leg. Hmm… What a great idea. I’ll break someone’s leg.
***
Director: OK, so who do we have as our star baby for this Huggies commercial? Let me look at the list. It’s- oh no…
Evil Tom Brady: I know all my lines this time, I promise.
Director: How can you star in a Huggies commercial? You’re not even a baby!
Evil Tom Brady: I’m Tom Brady, and I can be whatever I want to be, so let’s start filming before I get angry!
Director: F***ing hell, OK, action!
Evil Tom Brady: Hi, I’m Tom Brady, and I’m a baby. I wear Huggies every time I play football, and-
Director: Cut! Those aren’t the lines at all. In fact, there are no lines!
Evil Tom Brady: I know. I looked at the script, and I’ve decided to take this another direction.
Director: But no one is going to buy diapers because you wear them, Tom!
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, they’ll buy them. They’ll buy them real good. Do you know why? Because I’ll break their legs if they don’t!
Director: You’re going to break the legs of everyone who watches this commercial and doesn’t buy diapers after seeing you endorse them? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?
Evil Tom Brady: You know what’s ridiculous? You directing this commercial. I’m going to f***ing break your legs per my wife’s recommendation!
Director: What!? No, I’m sure Gise- ahhhhh, AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Evil Tom Brady: You’re lucky you’re getting off so easily. I would’ve slit your throat already, but I don’t know how to work the damn camera or edit film, or do whatever you do. But I can direct. Let’s take it from the top. Action! Hi, I’m Tom Brady, and I’m a baby. I wear Huggies every time I play football, and you should, too. Huggies are great for any recreational activity. Are you going scuba diving? Wear Huggies. Are you studying hard for a midterm? Wear Huggies. Are you about to murder someone? Wear Huggies. That’s what I do, and that’s what all of you will be doing as well. And if you don’t, I will break all of your legs.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. After proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her. He managed to do so, meaning he gets to commandeer all of Manning’s commercials…
Evil Tom Brady: First, I get Foot Locker. Then, Huggies. Now, Big Brother Big Sister. Gisele, you’re the best!
Gisele: I know. And it appears as though Oprah is nearly ready to make all of our dreams come true.
Evil Tom Brady: Wow, that was fast!
Gisele: Yes. We’ve been working around the clock on this. In fact, she might be ready to make our dreams come true the second you’re done shooting this commercial with Mike Tomlin.
Evil Tom Brady: I can’t wait! Tomlin, are you ready? I’m the director, so I’ll say action when you’re ready to go.
Mike Tomlin: Do I have a choice? You gagged me and brought me here against my will.
Evil Tom Brady: Tomlin, you should be thankful that I have not killed you already. Where’s the f***ing gratitude? Seriously. This is what I get for trying to be a nice guy.
Mike Tomlin: You think kidnapping makes you nice!?
Evil Tom Brady: Nicer than slitting people’s throats, wouldn’t you agree!? At any rate, let’s get this show on the road so that Oprah can make all of my dreams come true.
Mike Tomlin: Fine. I’ll read from the script. Can you let me go afterward?
Evil Tom Brady: Yes, just read from the script I wrote. Action!
Mike Tomlin: Oh, hi Tom. My name is Mike Tomlin. You are the greatest quarterback of all time, much better than that fraud Peyton Manning, who had way more commercials than you for some reason even though he f***ing choked on dicks in the playoffs every year except for the two times he beat you by cheating. You should sue the NFL for that because you are the greatest quarterback ever and should have eight rings by now because you are so awesome.
Evil Tom Brady: Why thank you, Mike. You shouldn’t have said all that. But I appreciate it. Anyway, what can I do for you today?
Mike Tomlin: I wish to enroll in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I think of you like a big brother, so I want you to be my big brother in the Big Brother Big Sisters program.
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, how flattering. Please, jump on my back so that you will truly be like a little brother to me.
Mike Tomlin: Yay. Here I go!
Evil Tom Brady: Oh, Mike, we’re having such great fun. Let’s do something big brothers do with little brothers. For instance, I can show you how to properly trip someone on the sideline during a key play without getting caught!
Mike Tomlin: That would be great, big brother! I can’t wait to learn more brotherly tips from you because you are the greatest of all time.
Evil Tom Brady: Aww, you are so sweet for saying that completely unprompted!
Mike Tomlin: Yes, Tom. You are not only the greatest of all time, but you are the greatest there ever will be. I wish I could- uhh- suck on your test- wait, what’s happening to you!?
Evil Tom Brady: Agh, my body! It’s changing! AHHHHHHH! Cut! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. After proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her. He managed to do so, meaning he gets to commandeer all of Manning’s commercials. However, upon shooting one commercial, Evil Tom Brady’s body transformed.
Evil Tom Brady: What… what happened to me!?
Gisele: Ah, Evil Tom, you truly are a masterpiece!
Evil Tom Brady: What… what is going on!?
Gisele: Oprah’s ability to make dreams come true works! My dream has come true!
Evil Tom Brady: Your dream is for me to have black skin? Why?
Gisele: Look in the mirror, Evil Tom. Seem familiar?
Evil Tom Brady: I’m- I’m Bill Cosby. How is this possible?
Gisele: It is my dream for you to be very evil, Evil Tom. You’ve slit throats, made people drink urine and broke legs, but you haven’t been able to achieve the level of evil of Bill Cosby. Now, I’ve transformed you into Bill Cosby himself because that was my dream!
Evil Tom Brady: You- I can’t believe you did this to- my pretty face. It’s gone. I- wait, why am I reaching for pills. I- I need to put them in your drink.
Gisele: Ahahahahahaha, this is rich! Evil Tom Cosby is trying to roofie me, the great Gisele. Hahaha! I can’t wait until we get started.
Evil Tom Brady: Started what? Hey kids, when’s the last time your mother made you a Jell-O puddin’ pop?
Gisele: Buhahahahahaha!
Evil Tom Brady: Every time I get a Jell-O puddin’ pop, kids appear. Hey kids, I’d like to give your momma a Jell-O puddin’ pop. But first, look that way, there’s a monster! Don’t look while I slip this little pill into the Jell-O puddin’ pop.
Gisele: Yes, yes, yes. Evil Tom, now that you’ve become Bill Cosby, you will take advantage of all women by slipping pills into Jell-O products. Kids’ mothers will purchase these products for their children, but in a commercial, you’ll advise them to taste it first, and then they will all be drugged. No woman is safe anymore! Muhahahahahaha!
Evil Tom Brady: Hey kid, when’s the last time your momma gave you a Jell-O puddin’ pop?
Gisele: No, no, no, Evil Tom. Not me.
Evil Tom Brady: Look that way, kids. I’m gonna slip something nice and good into this Jell-O puddin’ pop.
Gisele: No, Evil Tom, you’re not working properly.
Evil Tom Brady: Don’t pay no mind to these pills, kids. They’re just gonna make the Jell-O puddin’ pop taste better.
Gisele: Sigh. I still have some work to do.
Evil Tom Brady destroyed Stephen Colbert, then took his evil talents to a Tag Heuer photo shoot, where he murdered everyone. He followed that up by going to Tokyo for a gaming convention, where he destroyed Japan, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he made Rob Gronkowski blind. He proved to Gisele that he is pure evil so that he can learn who the other people are in her evil organization. However, she had a mission for him first, and that was to hypnotize Oprah Winfrey. After proving his devotion to Gisele following a beach-day mishap, Gisele asked Evil Tom Brady to destroy Peyton Manning for betraying her. He managed to do so, meaning he gets to commandeer all of Manning’s commercials. However, upon shooting one commercial, Evil Tom Brady’s body transformed into Bill Cosby; this was Gisele’s doing, as she used Oprah’s powers to make her dreams come true. This backfired because Evil Tom Brady tried to roofie her. Gisele, however, had other plans…
Tom Brady: Puddin’ pop… commercials… slitting throats…
Gisele: Oh, Tom. You look so cute with your dreaming.
Tom Brady: Break legs… Action… Glad I killed Peyton Manning…
Gisele: Little do you know that what happens in the dream world also affects real life, so when you hyponotized Oprah Winfrey and allowed me to drill her brain so that I can make dreams come true, my real-life counterpart – i.e. me – was able to do this in real life.
Tom Brady: Mouser… Shy Guy… Triclyde…
Gisele: Yes, yes, you’re not the only one who dreamt up an entire world. I know you have your eyes closed, but this is where I got the idea from:
Gisele: Wait, why am I even showing you this picture? You’re asleep.
Tom Brady: Trying to match icons on slot machine at the end of each level… gotta get the cherries…
Gisele: All I have to do is hit this button, and everything you’ve ever dreamt will come true. Your ugly haircuts. Your transformation into Evil Tom Brady. Your murders of Robert De Niro and Peyton Manning. All of it will be true, all thanks to Oprah’s ability to grant wishes.
Tom Brady: Warp zone to 4-1… little snowy things skating around…
Voice from Behind: Click.
Gisele: Wait, what?
Voice from Behind: This click was brought to you by Super Nintendo. Now you’re playing with power – super power!
Gisele: PEYTON MANNING!?!?!?!
Peyton Manning: Hi, I’m Peyton Manning, former quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts. While you were plotting the destruction of the human race, I, Peyton Manning, was ensuring that I don’t die permanently by having Tom Brady’s dreams come true, so I stole your Oprah dream machine and used it for myself. This nonsensical plot twist is brought to you by Fig Newton. Fig Newton, a cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is fruit and cake.
Gisele: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR RUINING MY PLANS, AHHHHH!!!
Tom Brady: Gotta throw the vegetables at Wart… Zzzz….
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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