The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Another important Bloods meeting had finished. As usual, the members of the Bloods sat in a circle. Their leader, Elton John, turned on the projector, which played the usual Justin Bieber videos. The Bloods stripped their pants off, grabbed each other’s special parts and enjoyed themselves. Brady and another Bloods member enjoyed a game of catch afterward.
Tom Brady: I love being a member of the Bloods and having a Justin Bieber haircut!
Random Bloods Member: It was such a pleasure to touch your pee-pee during the Justin Bieber videos today, Tom.
Tom Brady: Same for me. Now, go long, I’ll throw you a great pass!
Random Bloods Member: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Tim Tebow: Excuse me, Tom. Lord Elton would like to see you. I’d like to thank Jesus for giving me the opportunity to deliver this message to you.
Tom Brady: Really? Do you know what Lord Elton wants?
Tim Tebow: I don’t know, Tom. I would just like to thank Jesus for giving me this opportunity to have this conversation with you.
Brady walked inside to find Lord Elton sitting on his throne. He appeared distraught and was holding a letter in his hand.
Elton John: I’m sorry, Tom. I saw that you were frolicking through the fields like we usually do after important Bloods meetings, but I need your help.
Tom Brady: Sure, anything for you, Lord Elton.
Elton John: Please read this.
Bloods,
Tis I, DeSean Jackson, leader of the Crips.
We are sick of your perverted antics shaming the community. Touching each other’s genitals is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we firmly believe you are sick people who need to be extinguished from existence. Us Crips are meant to rule.
Here is our proposition: Change your beliefs to ours. You must stop your perversions. Instead, when you watch Justin Bieber videos, you must touch each other’s nipples. Do this, or we will go to war. We will burn your homes, salt your lands and confiscate your Justin Bieber videos. The choice is yours. You have until the end of the football season to make a decision.
Sincerely yours,
DeSean Jackson
P.S. How does my new Justin Bieber haircut look?
Tom Brady: This is not good, Lord Elton. His haircut is fabulous, but this is not good.
Elton John: I know. We need your influence, Tom. We will never stop touching each other’s pee-pees during Justin Bieber videos; doing so would desecrate the memories of past Bloods members. We must acquire some reinforcements for the impending war. Please help us, Tom.
Tom Brady: I will do my best, Lord Elton.
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to find recruits for the Bloods for their impending war with the Crips, Tom Brady joined Aaron Rodgers for some drinks.
Tom Brady: Hey Aaron, nice day out today.
Aaron Rodgers: Yeah… Tom, what the hell is that on your head?
Tom Brady: Oh, it’s my new haircut! Do you like it!?
Aaron Rodgers: I… uhh… well, it’s different.
Tom Brady: Different, as in totally awesome, right?
Aaron Rodgers: Well… uhh… I think I’ll need to keep drinking, and then we’ll just see what I have to say about it.
Tom Brady: You know what else is totally awesome, Aaron?
Aaron Rodgers: Your plaid shirt, white jacket and red pants?
Tom Brady: No, well, yeah, but no. I was talking about the Bloods. You should join, Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers: The Bloods? Why would I join the Bloods?
Tom Brady: Because we sit around a circle and enjoy ourselves while watching Justin Bieber videos!
Aaron Rodgers: Enjoy yourselves? What do you mean?
Tom Brady: We touch each other’s pee-pees!
Aaron Rodgers: Uhh… OK…
Tom Brady: What do you say, Aaron? Want to join?
Aaron Rodgers: Umm… tempting, but I’m going to have to pass.
Tom Brady: But Aaron, we need people to join so the Crips don’t take our Justin Bieber videos away!
Aaron Rodgers: Oh wow… Well, I’m sorry Tom, but circle jerking to Justin Bieber videos doesn’t sound like my kind of scene.
Tom Brady: Come on Aaron, please, we need you to battle the Crips! If we lose, we’re going to have to touch each other’s nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos!
Aaron Rodgers: I’m going to need another drink. Actually, make that five more drinks.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to find recruits for the Bloods for their impending war with the Crips, Tom Brady ran up to Darren Sproles during a random Eagles’ game.
Tom Brady: Darren! Hey Darren!
Darren Sproles: What’s up, Tom? Wait, don’t you have a game against the Raiders today?
Tom Brady: Whoops, I forgot about it. Anyway, there are more important things I’d like to discuss with you.
Darren Sproles: Oh, like what?
Tom Brady: Like joining the Bloods!
Darren Sproles: Joining the Bloods? No thanks, I don’t want to be affiliated with any gang. There’s no room for violence in my life.
Tom Brady: It’s not what you think, Darren! It’s a great group of guys! We have bakesales and throw a carnival every year to help men who have lost their arms. And I didn’t even get to the best part yet!
Darren Sproles: Really? That sounds pretty cool. What’s the best part?
Tom Brady: Every meeting, we sit in a circle and touch each other’s pee-pees while looking at Justin Bieber videos!
Darren Sproles: Uhh… what?
Tom Brady: Yeah! It’s great! So much fun! You’d love it, Darren!
Darren Sproles: Ehh… I think I’ll pass.
Tom Brady: But I’ll show you the secret kiss, Darren! Here it is!
Darren Sproles: Get the f*** away from me, creep!
Tom Brady: Come on, Darren! You know you want to see the secret Bloods kiss! Only Bloods members know about it, and now I’ll kiss you so you know it too!
Darren Sproles: No! Get away! I want nothing to do with the Bloods! I’d rather join a gang that promotes violence!
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to find recruits for the Bloods for their impending war with the Crips, Tom Brady has had bad luck trying to convince other players to join the cause. Perhaps man’s best friend will help…
Tom Brady: Sit, boy, sit! Sit! Good boy!
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT YOU DOING TOM?
Tom Brady: I’m teaching this dog to do tricks so he helps me enlist help for the Bloods. Lie down, boy. Lie down! Good boy!
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT YOU WANT GRONK TO DO TOM?
Tom Brady: Why are you sitting on the ground, Rob?
Rob Gronkowski: YOU TOLDED TO SIT, GRONK SIT.
Tom Brady: What? I just told the dog to lie down.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO UNDERSTANDING.
Tom Brady: Never mind. Bark! Bark, boy! Good boy!
Rob Gronkowski: BARK! BARK!
Tom Brady: Not you, Rob!
Rob Gronkowski: NO GIVE GRONK TREAT?
Tom Brady: These are dog treats, Rob…
Rob Gronkowski: SO YOU NO GIVE GRONK TREAT?
Tom Brady: No, I’m training the dog! Tell a football player to join the Bloods, boy! Tell them to join the Bloods, boy! Come on, boy!
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO UNDERSTANDING. YOU WANT GRONK SIT? YOU WANT GRONK LAY? WHAT YOU WANT? GRONK NO UNDERSTANDING!
Tom Brady: Shut up, Rob! Come on, boy! Tell a football player to join the Bloods! You can do it!
Rob Gronkowski: SIT? LAY? BARK? BARK? PAW? BARK? SIT? LAY? TREAT?
Tom Brady: Rob, you’re distracting him! It’s OK, boy, you’ll get it eventually.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to find recruits for the Bloods for their impending war with the Crips, Tom Brady has had bad luck trying to convince other players to join the cause. He continues to train man’s best friend…
Tom Brady: Come on, boy! Tell a football player to join the Bloods! You can do it!
Dog: BARK! BARK! BARK!
Tom Brady: This clearly isn’t working. Maybe I should teach the dog some new tricks so he gains more confidence. How about this… Roll over, boy! Roll over!
The dog rolls over obediently.
Tom Brady: Good boy! Paw! Give me your paw! Paw!
The dog gives its paw to Tom Brady.
Tom Brady: Good boy! How about one more new trick? Jump! Jump! Jump, boy, jump!
The dog jumps and licks Tom Brady’s face. Brady is so excited that he begins to accidentally touch his nipples.
Tom Brady: Oh!!! I’m so excited!!! Woooww!!! Ohh… wait? What am I doing? I’m touching my nipples like the Crips do when they look at Justin Bieber videos!
Tom Brady suddenly gets a brilliant idea.
Tom Brady: I got it! I’ll prove to the Crips that I’m joining their side by rubbing my nipples to Justin Bieber videos. I’ll infiltrate their gang and destroy them from the inside!
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He just needed permission from someone first.
Tom Brady: Honey, how do I look?
Gisele: Oho, you iz look tres chic! Your pantelon looking like stop sign, and I iz love stop sign. Your shirt reminding me of table clothes from mine uncle backyard. And oho, your hair tres tres chic, iz remind me of rooster on other uncle farm. But iz bad uncle. He like touching my brazzer in his privacy. Bad touch uncle.
Tom Brady: I’m glad you like it, honey. You’ve been such a great influence on my style.
Gisele: Yes iz good. I happy you look tres chic now. Before vhen vee met first times, you no look tres chic. You looking like, how you say in America, heterosexuals man. Now you iz looking homosexuals, but iz good.
Tom Brady: Thanks, honey. I have a question. More like a request.
Gisele: Vhat iz it?
Tom Brady: Well, you know how the Crips declared war on my Bloods gang? Well, I thought it would be a good idea if I infiltrated the Crips by showing them that I like to touch my nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos.
Gisele: But iz it dangeroos?
Tom Brady: Of course, but it’s the only way to stop the Crips from confescating the Bloods’ Justin Bieber videos.
Gisele: Ah, iz making senses. You have my permissions to go to Crip and show zem who bosses!
Tom Brady went off to make his preparations, while Gisele flipped out her phone. She dialed quickly.
Gisele: Hello? Hey, Peyton Manning. No, I don’t want to buy Gatorade from you. No, I don’t want to buy a Buick from you. I am calling to tell you that Tom took the bait. I repeat, Tom took the bait.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He was able to finally meet with the enemy…
DeSean Jackson: Tom Brady, welcome to our humble abode. I suppose you are here to discuss your surrender. As I wrote to you in my letter, if you begin touching your nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos, we will do no harm to you, and we will not steal your videos.
Tom Brady: I am not here to discuss our surrender, DeSean.
DeSean Jackson: Then why are you wasting my time, Tom Brady? I have videos to watch and nipples to touch.
Tom Brady: DeSean, I’m here to join your faction. I want to be a Crip.
DeSean Jackson: Ha! Well, well, Tom Brady… You want to become a member of the Crips, huh? And why should I believe you? You were behind the Aaron Without Arms charity that raised money so that Aaron Hernandez could touch other men’s pee-pees in prison while watching Justin Bieber videos. And now you want to join us? What’s next, Osama bin Laden coming back from the dead and joining Congress?
Tom Brady: I know it must seem far-fetched to you, DeSean. That’s why I’m going to show you this.
Tom Brady pulled up a Justin Bieber video on his phone. He then began rubbing DeSean Jackson’s nipples.
DeSean Jackson: Ohh… wow… ahhh… so good… never felt this good…
Tom Brady: I want to rub nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos, DeSean. I regret ever joining the Bloods. Please let me join the Crips so we can eliminate those pee-pee touching sickos.
DeSean Jackson: I… I don’t know what to say… You are the most natural nipple-rubber I’ve ever met… But it’s difficult for me to trust you.
Tom Brady: I’ll do whatever to earn your trust, DeSean.
DeSean Jackson: OK, here’s the deal. To prove you can be loyal to us, you must shave your head and grow a new hairstyle. You must then be the gayest football player ever.
Tom Brady: Deal! Thanks, DeSean. I won’t disappoint you!
Tom Brady leaves. A familiar face steps out of the shadows.
DeSean Jackson: That man is so great at rubbing nipples that I almost regret doing this.
Gisele: You won’t regret it. Tom Brady is scum. He’s planning on infiltrating your gang. But he’s about to feel a great deal of pain, don’t you worry.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He met with the head of the Crips, DeSean Jackson, who said Tom Brady would be able to join if he did a number of things. He first had to shave his head…
Tom Brady: Hey, Coach! What did I miss!?
Bill Belichick: Tom, you’ve missed the first seven weeks of the season. Where have you been?
Tom Brady: I’ve been on a secret mission, Coach.
Bill Belichick: What sort of secret mission? Have you been acquiring new videotapes for me?
Tom Brady: No, Coach. The only tapes I’m into now are Justin Bieber videos.
Bill Belichick: Wait, what? Hold on, why are you bald?
Tom Brady: Coach, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been trying to infilitrate the Crips because they sent us a threatening letter about touching nipples while looking at Biber videos being better than touching each other’s pee-pees while looking at Justin Bieber videos.
Bill Belichick: Tom, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tom Brady: What do you mean, Coach?
Bill Belichick: Can’t you just not be weird and play football?
Tom Brady: How am I being weird? Touching pee-pees while watching Justin Bieber videos is very natural.
Bill Belichick: Ugh. Your damn hair and stupid outfits have been a huge distraction. Well, at least your lesbian haircut is gone.
Tom Brady: It is. But I’ll have a new hairstyle soon that’ll make me the gayest football player ever!
Bill Belichick: Good God, what happened to my Super Bowl champion quarterback? No secret videos can possibly compensate for this.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He met with the head of the Crips, DeSean Jackson, who said Tom Brady would be able to join if he did a number of things. He first had to shave his head…
Tom Brady: Guys, I’m ready for the big game! Put me in against the Packers!
Julian Edelman: We’re playing the Broncos…
Tom Brady: Shut up, Julian! You’re just jealous!
Julian Edelman: Jealous of what?
Tom Brady: Jealous that I shaved my head and that I have lots of friends to touch pee-pees with in the Bloods!
Bill Belichick: Tom, enough nonsense. We’re not going to play you this week. You’ve been at one practice all year. We even gave your locker away to some special-teamer because we didn’t think you were coming back.
Tom Brady: But Coach, I told you that I have to be the gayest football player ever to infiltrate the Crips!
Bill Belichick: I don’t care. Hey, what’s your face, Ryan Mallett, get in the game.
Josh McDaniels: Hey Bill, I think Tom should play. He’s ready.
Bill Belichick: How’s he ready? He doesn’t even know who he’s playing!
Josh McDaniels: Trust me. There’s a reason they call me McAwesome.
Bill Belichick: No one calls you McAwesome, McDouche. Ugh. If I let Tom play will you go away and leave me alone for the rest of the day?
Josh McDaniels: Yes!
The Patriots put Brady into the game, and he proceeds to throw eight interceptions in a 62-3 loss. The team walks off the field demoralized, except for Brady.
Tom Brady: It’s OK guys, we’ll totally win next week!
Julian Edelman: Next week? We have a bye next week, you idiot!
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He met with the head of the Crips, DeSean Jackson, who said Tom Brady would be able to join if he did a number of things. He now had to become the gayest football player ever…
Tom Brady: I’m going to put on the show of a lifetime! I’m gonna throw the pass like a wrreeecking ballll!
Tom Brady continues to hump the wrecking ball in his studio just as Rob Gronkowski walks in.
Rob Gronkowski: WHY YOU CALL GRONK ON SMALL THING THAT MAKING NOISE.
Tom Brady: You mean the phone? I wanted you to see me, Gronkie.
Rob Gronkowski: WHY SEE YOU NOW. GRONK HAVE WEEK NO FOOTBALL. GRONK WANT PARTY AND DANCE WHEN NO FOOTBALL WEEK.
Tom Brady: Oh, big boy, you stud muffin you, come here.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK WANT EAT MUFFIN.
Tom Brady: I like to sleep with all of the boys, so how about you and I have a good time?
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT YOU SAY.
Tom Brady: How about you and me go to the back and have our own party?
Rob Gronkowski: NO!
Tom Brady: Yes, come on Gronk, I’ve wanted you so bad.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO WANT! GRONK NO WANT!
Tom Brady: You’re making me hot, Gronkie. I can feel it in my loins.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO KNOW WHAT LOIN MEAN BUT GRONK NO WANT!
Despite Gronk’s protests, Tom Brady took him into the back room and had his way with him. Gronk was never the same ever again. Tom Brady, meanwhile, was closer than ever to accomplishing his goal.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady realized that he can infiltrate the Crips. He met with the head of the Crips, DeSean Jackson, who said Tom Brady would be able to join if he did a number of things. He finally became the gayest football player ever…
Tom Brady: Honey, how do I look? I’m off to Indy for the big game!
Gisele: Oho, you iz look so vonderfool!
Tom Brady: Really? I have some competition with Michael Sam, but I really want to be the gayest football player ever.
Gisele: You iz much gayoor zan Michael Sams! Everybody probably think you want to stick peenoos in anoos.
Tom Brady: Phew, that’s a relief.
Gisele: I vill R-B-R like zee kids say, iz meaning be rights backs!
Gisele goes into the basement and uses her secret telephone.
Gisele: Mike Florio, please. Hey, Mike, it’s Gisele. You know how you’ll publish anything right, even if it’s absurd like Terry Bradshaw turning into a zombie? OK good, I’ve got a juicy story for you.
Later that night on SportsCenter:
SportsCenter Anchor: THIS just in to SportsCenter, LeBron James sneezed three times today! Plus, is Brett Favre making a comeback!? But our top news story for tonight is that Tom Brady has become a gay football player! That’s fine and all in this day in age, but he’s the perverted type who likes to touch other men’s nipples and pee-pees while looking at Justin Bieber videos! He also sexually assaulted Rob Gronkowski in his home last week. Bill Belichick, now at the podium…
Bill Belichick: We, at the New England Patriots, don’t care about anyone’s sexual orientation. However, we do not want distractions and perverts on the team, and Tom Brady has become both. He has been so damaging that he has destroyed Rob Gronkowski’s psyche when he gave him STDs last week.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO LIKE! TOM, GRONK NO LIKE!
Bill Belichick: Our poor tight end… he’s drifting in and out of reality.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK SAD! GRONK LIKE TO PARTY AND DANCE BEFORE BUT NOW HE NO LIKE TO DO ANYTHING!
Bill Belichick: In light of recent events, we’re announcing that Tom Brady is hereby banned from the team until further notice.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady tried to become the gayest football player ever at the request of DeSean Jackson, but he was exiled for being a pervert.
Tom Brady: Honey, it sucks we have to go into hiding to avoid the media.
Gisele: Ah yes, medioo is terrible! All zees reporter asking qvestion. It helps that I informed them of the story though, muhahahaha!
Tom Brady: What’d you say, honey? I was so distraught about my plan to infiltrate the Crips failing that I didn’t listen to you. What are we going to do once the Crips confescate our Justin Bieber videos?
Gisele: Iz bad situation, yes. Maybe you has better plans to make?
Tom Brady: What could be better than pretending to dress up as Miley Cyrus and banging Rob Gronkowski? If that didn’t work, I don’t know what will!
Gisele: Maybe you asking DeSean Jacksoon for better ideas?
Tom Brady: That’s not a bad idea. Hey, wait, how’d you know DeSean Jackson gave me this idea?
Gisele: I… ehh… you tells me before.
Tom Brady: No I didn’t! I specifically told no one!
Gisele: I… well… OK, you caught me, Tom. I’ve been behind this plan this entire time.
Tom Brady: What!? Where did your accent go?
Gisele: I have no accent, Tom. Never did. Everything was a sham, including our marriage. All of it was a ruse to get revenge.
Tom Brady: Revenge for what?
Gisele: Back when you were a cool guy, you slept with me and didn’t bother calling me. I was pissed. Of course I was chubby back then with crossed eyes, but I’ve since lost weight and fixed my face. I made sure we met up again, and at that point, you wanted to be with me long-term, but only because of my looks. You and I both know you can’t possibly have anything in common with some Brazillian bimbo. So, I’ve been sissifying you this entire time, and now my plan is complete. You’ve been disgraced, and you must now go into exile.
Tom Brady: What? No! I love you, Gisele! You’re an amazing woman who introduced me to great clothes and fantastic Justin Bieber haircuts!
Gisele: And that was the best part! You actually liked those stupid haircuts! Ha… what a great plan.
Tom Brady: But Gisele…
Gisele: Good bye, Tom. I’m leaving you here in the wilderness. The only way this can get better is if some mountain hillbilly falls in love with you and your lesbian haircut, and boinks you in the butt hole.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady tried to become the gayest football player ever at the request of DeSean Jackson, the leader of the Crips, but he was exiled for being a pervert. His wife then revealed herself to be a traitor and abandoned him in the wilderness. Something attacked Tom Brady in the night, and he has never been the same since…
Tom Brady: Need something to drink… This town… seems so inviting… something’s drawing to me to this town… to this bar…
Tom Brady walks into the bar and notices that barely anyone is working there. The owner is a grizzled man with long hair, and he’s leering at a blonde waitress. Brady notices that she smells delicious.
Tom Brady: You smell delightful… I mean, the food here is delightful…
Blonde Waitress: Oh have you never been to Merlotte’s before? I’m Sookie, and you are…?
Tom Brady: Tom… Tom Brady…
Sookie: That’s a cute name! Have you just turned into a vampire, Tom Brady?
Tom Brady: Vampire? I’m no vampire!
Sookie: Right, and I’m not a blonde waitress, haha! You’re so funny, Tom Brady. In fact, I think I want to have sex with you.
Tom Brady: What?
Sookie: I open my legs for all the vampires. I guess you wouldn’t know that since you’re new in town. I also sleep with werewolves. You wouldn’t be interested in a threesome, would you, Tom Brady?
Tom Brady: Sookie…
Sookie: Hold that thought, Tom, my friends just arrived.
Alcide: RAWR I’M ALCIDE AND I’M A WEREWOLF RAWR!
Lafayette: Oh honey, you did not just rawr in front of this fine, young vampire. What’s your name, sugar puff?
Tom Brady: Tom Brady.
Lafayette: I want some Tom Brady in me tonight, baby, mmhmm!
Tara: Shut your f***ing mouth, Lafayette. Name’s Tara, and people say I’m annoying and shouldn’t be alive anymore.
A bomb explodes, and Tara dies.
Sookie: Oh no, Tara! I haven’t spoken to her in 12 episodes, but I’m really sad that she died!
Just kidding, Tara lives.
Tara: Sup, motha f***as?
Alcide: RAWR SOOKIE’S MINE RAWR!
Tom Brady: But she smells delicious. I must eat her.
Tom Brady tries to eat Sookie, but a gallant vampire appears out of nowhere and punches Tom Brady, who flies across the bar.
Eric: Sookie’s mine.
Jason: Now why’s everyone goin’ around and sayin’ that Sookie’s theirs like she’s a piece of meat?
Sookie: Thank you, Jason.
Jason: No problem, Sook. If anyone’s going to be having sex with you, it’s me.
Lafayette: A brother and sister having sex? Now there’s some freaky f***ed-up s*** I would not even be into.
Tom Brady: Must… have… Sookie… even though… she’s… annoying… and her teeth… are ugly…
Sookie: Gosh darn it, why is my blood so appealin’ to vampires?
Eric: Sookie…
Tom Brady: Sookie…
Bill: Sookie…
Jason: Sookie…
Alcide: SOOKIE… RAWR…
Lafayette: Tom Brady…
Tom Brady: You know what? Never mind. This place is too weird for me. Vampires… werewolves… annoying girls coming back to life… I need to go to a place where I can enjoy Justin Bieber videos in peace.
Lafayette: Justin Bieber videos? Oh no you did not, sugar bun. Lafayette only watches Jesse McCartney videos while pleasuring himself, mmhmm. In fact, Justin Bieber fans are not welcome in this establishment, so take your Justin Bieber-lovin’, robust behind out of here.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady tried to become the gayest football player ever at the request of DeSean Jackson, but he was exiled for being a pervert. His wife then revealed herself to be a traitor and abandoned him in the wilderness. After spending some time in New Orleans, Tom Brady found a monastery in the mountains and decided to become a monk.
Tom Brady: I give up on life. I tried to stop the Crips from confescating our Justin Bieber videos, but now I’m a disgrace and need to go into hiding forever.
Head Monk: I no understand why you need go into hiding, Tom Brady-san.
Tom Brady: Everyone hates me! They’re all mad that I gave Rob Gronkowski STDs. And my wife never loved me this entire time!
Head Monk: Maybe is good wife no rove you. No wife mean you no have to crean gutters. No wife mean you no have to take out garbage every week. No wife mean you can wear same underwear for three week and no have to wash! Ha ha ha!
Tom Brady: But I loved doing those things for my Gisele. I’m going to miss going to the hairstylist every Tuesday and getting the latest Justin Bieber haircut.
Head Monk: Tom Brady-san, maybe you no need wife to get Justin Bieber resbian haircut!
Tom Brady: What do you mean, head monk? How can I get a Justin Bieber haircut without my Gisele?
Head Monk: Arr you need do is berieve in yourserf! If you berieve hard enough, Justin Bieber resbian haircut automaticarry appear on head!
Tom Brady worked on it for weeks. He put all of his effort into believing that he could obtain a glorious Justin Bieber haircut without his former wife. And one day…
Tom Brady: Head monk! Head monk! Look! A Justin Bieber haircut on my head, and I didn’t even have to go to the stylist!
Head Monk: I knew you courd do it Tom Brady-san! I teach you werr second year in row!
Tom Brady: Second year in a row…? Whoa! You’re Kim Jung Un!
Kim Jung Un: Yes, Tom Brady-san. You no recognize me because your head croudy. Now no crouds! You see arr answer with Justin Bieber resbian haircut!
Tom Brady: I see it all. The meaning of life… I understand what I must do now. I must unify the Bloods and the Crips by explaining that it’s OK to touch pee-pees AND nipples at the same time while looking at Justin Bieber videos. God invented two hands for this exact reason.
Kim Jung Un: Yes, Tom Brady-san. I tark to God before, and he say exactry same thing. One hand for touch pee-pee. One hand to touch nippre. Two hand and two eye, both for watch Justin Bieber video.
Tom Brady: Thanks, sensei. I’m going to spread the word and bring our two gangs together!
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady tried to become the gayest football player ever at the request of DeSean Jackson, but he was exiled for being a pervert. His wife then revealed herself to be a traitor and abandoned him in the wilderness. After spending some time with Kim Jung Un in a monastery, Tom Brady realized what he had to do to unify the two gangs.
Fat Guy (Mediator): Hi guys, Tom Brady asked me to step in and mediate this joint meeting between the Bloods and the Crips. I know it may seem like a unification between you two is unlikely, but please hear Mr. Brady out.
Tom Brady: Thank you. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect ever since being exiled from the Patriots. I was stranded in the wilderness. I traveled to New Orleans and became a vampire. I then went to a monastery. What I’ve learned is that we have to join together and get the most out of our Justin Bieber video viewing experience.
DeSean Jackson: And how are we going to do that, traitorous pervert?
Elton John: Who are you calling pervert? I’ll beat you over the head with my Staff of Ages!
Mediator: Quiet now, quiet now, please do not threaten each other. Listen to what Tom has to say. You may find it worthwhile.
Tom Brady: DeSean, I understand that you think our pee-pee touching while watching Justin Bieber videos is disgusting, and Lord Elton, our ways must be preserved for our gang to endure. That is why I’d like to present to you, the Law of Two Hands.
DeSean Jackson: Sounds stupid!
Elton John: Quiet, scum!
Tom Brady: Ser Jackson, Lord Elton, please listen to me. I have discovered something wonderful: While we all watch Justin Bieber videos, we can use one hand to touch each other’s pee-pees, and the other hand to touch someone else’s nipples. We have two hands, my lords, and I feel as though God has given us humans two hands for this exact reason!
DeSean Jackson: There… are… two… hands?
Elton John: One… for… pee-pees…
DeSean Jackson: The… other… for… nip-nips…?
Tom Brady: Yes! Why do we only have to touch pee-pees or nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos? We can do both!
DeSean Jackson: Wow!
Elton John: Absolute genius!
DeSean Jackson: This is fantastic! I thought touching two pee-pees at the same time was perverted, but yanking only one during Justin Bieber videos seems perfect!
Elton John: And I’ve secretly wanted to try touching nipples all while maintaining our pee-pee touching legacy!
Mediator: It looks like we have an agreement between the Bloods and Crips! From this day forth, the Bloods and Crips will join together and agree to use one hand to touch pee-pees and the other to touch nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos. The Bloods and Crips shall now be known as the Two-Handed Gang!
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady has succeeded in unifying the Bloods and the Crips, who have now become the Two-Handed Gang. Following the first-ever meeting of the Two-Handed Gang…
Tom Brady: Oh, Tim Tebow, I was so glad I was able to rub your nipples today while yanking on DeSean Jackson’s pee-pee while we watched Justin Bieber videos.
Tim Tebow: I’d like to thank our lord and savior Jesus Christ for the opportunity to get my nipples rubbed by you.
Tom Brady: Tim Tebow, do you think Jesus would approve of touching pee-pees and nipples at the same time while watching Justin Bieber videos?
Tim Tebow: He most certainly would, Tom Brady.
Tom Brady: How do you know, Tim Tebow?
Tim Tebow: Because there’s nothing more glorious and wonderful than touching a man’s private parts and nipples at the same time while being seranaded by the majestic voice of Justin Bieber. Every time I hear or see Justin Bieber, I get excited and feel myself rising. I’d like to thank Jesus for this.
Tom Brady: Me too, Tim Tebow.
Tim Tebow: Besides, as you said, God gave us two arms for a reason. If we were meant to only touch pee-pees or nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos, God would have graced us with one arm.
Tom Brady: You are so wise, Tim Tebow. I would like to kiss you with the Bloods Secret Kiss. Oh hi, DeSean Jackson, how did you enjoy the first-official meeting of the Two-Handed Gang?
DeSean Jackson: I… I… I… I never realized that touching pee-pees while watching Justin Bieber videos was so exhilerating. I still think it was wrong to touch two pee-pees at the same time, but having mine yanked while I pleasured another man with my superb nipple-rubbing left my entire body tingling.
Tom Brady: Me too. I’m so glad that God gave us two arms.
Somewhere in heaven…
God: My Children have finally discovered the meaning of life and the purpose of two arms. I am so happy. Perhaps it is time to create humans with three arms. If they can discover why they’ve been given two arms, perhaps they’ll figure out what to do with the third.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS
Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.
Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.
So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but cBrady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.
For instance, the following conversation took place recently…
Tasked to stop the Crips from crushing his Bloods gang, Tom Brady has succeeded in unifying the Bloods and the Crips, who have now become the Two-Handed Gang. He was also exiled from the Patriots, but he was back just in time for Week 17…
Tom Brady: Hey guys, I’m baaaaaaaack!
Rob Gronkowski: OH NO GRONK SCARED! GRONK BUTT STILL HURTING FROM LAST TIMES!!!
Tom Brady: Don’t worry about that, you big lug. I am not going to give anyone STDs anymore. I’m just back to play football.
Aaron Dobson: I’ll believe it when I see it. I only caught three passes this year because of you.
Tom Brady: Three passes? That’s sweet! Give me a high five! Come on! High five! No, Aaron? How about you, Shane!?
Shane Vereen: No one wants to touch your dirty, pee-pee-touching hand, you skank.
Tom Brady: Oh, I know you love me, guys!
Aaron Dobson: How’d you get back on the team anyway? I thought you were banned for life.
Tom Brady: Tim Tebow asked Jesus what to do, and Jesus told him that he had to show the Bloods’ Secret Kiss to Roger Goodell. Once that happened, Roger said it was OK for me to come back.
Shane Vereen: Ugh, can’t you just go away?
Tom Brady: I know you don’t mean that! Don’t worry, guys, I’ll show you the Bloods’ Secret Kiss and tell you how to maximize your pee-pee- and nipple-touching experiences while watching Justin Bieber music videos, so all of you will want to join the Two-Handed Gang with me!
Aaron Dobson: Whatever you say. I’ll never do any of that… hey, what’s this third arm doing on my body?
Meanwhile, in a dark room…
Gisele: AHHHH how could my plan fail!? I’ll get you next time, Tom Brady! You haven’t seen the last of me!
Peyton Manning: How could it not work? You said it was fool-proof? This fool-proof plan is brought to you by Gatorade. Quench your thist with Gatorade!
Gisele: Stop selling me s***, Peyton. Let’s concentrate on how we’ll crush Thomas’ soul.
Peyton Manning: Sounds good to me, Gisele. And then I’ll put Thomas’ soul on a pizza so Papa John’s can sell it for $12.99. It’ll be a big hit, and I’ll make more money.
Gisele: Perfect! Muhahahahaha!
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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