The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady will have a brand new mission, and it begins with an innocent meeting between him and one of the presidential candidates:
Donald Trump: Thank you for joining me, Tom, it means a great deal to have your support in the upcoming election. With your help, we’re going to make America great again.
Tom Brady: You’re welcome, Mr. Trump, but to be honest, I’m not sure who I’m voting for yet. I’ve been too busy saving the world from the evil Peytom Branning to pay attention to politics.
Donald Trump: I understand, Tom. I, too, have been too busy to pay attention to politics. However, I’ve met with some construction workers recently to begin building the wall. I’ve been confident in my victory but I’ve learned recently that Hillary Clinton plans to hack the voting system to ensure her win as president.
Tom Brady: How can this happen? How can someone possibly cheat at something like this? I am a pentagon of integrity and would never cheat!
Donald Trump: I know, Tom, that’s why I’ve summoned you to my keep. As a pentagon of integrity, you must ensure that the wall will be built.
Tom Brady: Why? What’s so special about the wall?
Donald Trump: Are you serious, Tom? What’s not special about the wall? It will keep the Muslims out. The Muslims are destroying our country. All of the terrorist attacks have been conducted by Muslims. All of those Jan Toyota commercials have been conducted by Muslims! And don’t forget those AT&T Lilly commericals! Muslims! I am the only one who can stop them.
Tom Brady: But not all Muslims are bad. I heard the news say that you want to round up all the Muslims and execute them.
Donald Trump: Another media fallacy! Most people believe I said this because the media says I did. But I didn’t! I only want to temporarily ban them from America until we find those responsible for the killings and bad commercials. Tom, you’re not with the media are you? If so, you will be banned from my keep for the next 25.3 years!
Tom Brady: Calm down, Mr. Trump. I’m not with the media. I hate the media, too, for saying that I cheated. I never cheated. I would never deflate footballs even though I destroyed evidence for no reason. I just want to know what’s in it for me since I don’t care about the Muslims. I am indestructible and don’t watch TV.
Donald Trump: Well, Tom, do you know who will come into America along with the Muslims? The Latin Kings. And you know-
Tom Brady: No, not the Latin Kings!
Donald Trump: Yes, Tom. The Latin Kings. You may have united the Bloods and the Crips by using one hand to jerk someone off and the other hand to rub someone’s nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos, but how will you deal with the Latin Kings!? You know what they do while watching Justin Bieber videos!
Tom Brady: No!
Donald Trump: You know what they do, Tom! Say it! Just say it!
Tom Brady: Ahhhhh! They trim their pubes while watching Justin Bieber videos!
Donald Trump: Yes, Tom. They trim their pubes. What if they take over and make you and your gang members trim your pubes, hmm? We need that wall built, Tom.
Tom Brady: So, what do I do?
Donald Trump: You must go to our neighboring country and ensure the wall is constructed. Convince those people to build the wall even if Hillary claims victory. Otherwise, trimming pube hairs will be in your future. And I will continue to be subjected to bad commercials.
Tom Brady: I will go, Mr. Trump. Thank you for alerting me.
Donald Trump: Of course, Tom. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to feed the alligators in my moat.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country:
Tom Brady: Excuse me, sir, my name is Tom Brady and I’ve come to a foreign country to covince the people to build a Wall.
Foreigner: Hello buddy, welcome to our country. What wall are you talking about, guy?
Tom Brady: The wall that needs to be built to protect America!
Foreigner: I don’t know what you’re talking aboot, guy. Here, talk to my fwend, buddy.
Foreigner’s Friend: Did I hear something about a wall, buddy? What wall, fwend?
Foreigner: That’s why I called you here, guy. What do you think our new fwend means, buddy?
Foreigner’s Friend: I don’t know, buddy. Our new guy is our fwend, but also our buddy, but I don’t know what wall he’s talking about, guy.
Tom Brady: The wall that needs to be built to keep the Latin Kings out!
Foreigner: Maybe you should talk aboot that to the Prime Minister of Canada, fwend.
Tom Brady: You guys are talking like the Canadians in South Park, which is weird, but thanks for the tip!
Tom Brady walks to the Prime Minister’s house, which is made of doughnuts and maple syrup.
Tom Brady: Mr. Prime Minister, my name is Tom Brady, and I’m-
Canadian Prime Minister: I don’t mean to interrupt you guy, but I heard about your request from my fwends, buddy. I will build a wall if you promise me one thing, buddy. Learn the Canadian language, guy. If you learn the language, you’ll be fwends with all the buddies, guy, and then everyone will want to build a wall for you, buddy.
Tom Brady spends the next month trying to learn the local language. He then puts it to the test…
Tom Brady: Hello, uhh… guys. I’m your friend, buddies, uhh, pals, can I build a wall, please, friends?
Another Foreigner: Do you understand what he is saying, guy?
Another Foreigner’s Friend: I have no idea, fwend. What is this word “guys?” What about “pals?” And I certainly don’t know the word “friends,” buddy.
Tom Brady spends another month mastering the local language.
Tom Brady: Hello, fwend, buddy, guy, I want to build a wall to keep the Latin Kings out, buddy, guy, fwend.
Another Foreigner: Latin Kings!? Don’t know about that, guy. No Latin Kings in Canada, buddy.
Another Foreigner’s Friend: No Latin Kings here, fwend.
Tom Brady: So, I wasted the past two months learning this stupid language!? F*** this, and f*** you guys, I’m out of here!
Another Foreigner: What a dick, guy. He’s no longer my fwend, buddy.
Another Foreigner’s Friend: And he’s no longer my buddy or my guy, fwend.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Unfortunately, he went to Canada instead of Mexico. Brady has sought Trump’s advice…
Donald Trump: Tom, what are you doing back so early? Wait, never mind. You have to see this. This. Is. Yuge.
Tom Brady: What is it, Donald?
Donald Trump: WalterFootball, great guy, wrote that people who are silenced for wanting to celebrate Heterosexual Pride Day are heterophobes. I favorited his tweet, and now the media is saying that I want to murder all gays. I never said that!
Tom Brady: Are you surprised, Donald? The media is evil. They will write or say anything to get their agenda across! I learned this when they accused me of cheating. How dare they? I am a paradox of integrity!
Donald Trump: You truly are a paradox of integrity, Tom.
Tom Brady: Thank you! Just because I destroy evidence doesn’t mean that I did anything wrong!
Donald Trump: Very true, Tom. Anyway, why are you back? You did not convince anyone to build a wall yet.
Tom Brady: Donald, I went to the wrong country. I went to Canada, but they said there were no Latin Kings in their country.
Donald Trump: Tom, I know what you need to do, but first you must kiss me, Tom. Lean in and kiss me, Tom.
Tom Brady: Kiss you? Why?
Donald Trump: Two reasons, Tom. First, this will inform all the gays that I am in favor of them. Second, we can use the kiss as osmosis so I can transfer all of my knowledge to you.
Tom Brady: Hmm… OK, then.
Tom Brady and Donald Trump share a sweet kiss.
Donald Trump: That was nice, Tom.
Tom Brady: That it was, Donald. And now I know what I must do. I went north, but now I must go south. South to Mexico!
Donald Trump: Excellent, Tom. Now, if you’ll excuse me I must feed the pirhana plants in my garden.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country, so after a quick stop in Canada, he has decided to travel to Mexico…
Tom Brady: All right, gents, is everyone ready to rock and roll and fly these birds?
Airplane Pilot: Fly these birds? What are you talking about? What birds?
Tom Brady: Oh, you must not be an experienced pilot like me. Us veteran pilots like to refer to planes as birds. I’m just excited to do some barrel rolls.
Airplane Pilot: Barrel roll? What are you, some stupid rabbit? And I know what a bird is, obviously. Very well in both regards. But there’s only one “bird” we’re flying today, and by “we’re,” I mean me, since I’m the pilot. Have you not seen my nametag? Pilot Falco. If you’re a pilot, where’s your nametag?
Tom Brady: I… uhh… destroyed it… but that doesn’t mean that I can’t fly this bird and do barrel rolls. I’m a vet pilot, as you can tell by my snazzy outfit!
Pilot Falco: OK, vet pilot. You fly us there. How are we going to get started, since you’re the expert?
Tom Brady: I’m going to spin the wheel around on the plane until we’re facing west, and then I’m going to put my foot on the gas pedal until we’re fast enough and then I’m going to press the “lift off” button and fly across to the Specific Ocean to Mexico.
Pilot Falco: I… I don’t even know where to begin… There’s no “lift off” button, and why would we cross the Specific, I mean Pacific Ocean to fly to Mexico? Mexico is south from here.
Tom Brady: You say south, I say west. Remember, Earth is a circle, so no matter which way you go, you’re bound to end up somewhere eventually. My way is a shortcut, trust me.
Pilot Falco: Shortcut, eh? Let’s check it out on Google Maps. Let me see your phone.
Tom Brady: I… uhh… destroyed it…
Pilot Falco: Oh, that’s too bad! I know you’re a vet pilot and stuff, but did you know that they just changed the airplane rules? You can no longer fly a plane without a functioning phone, and also, men who have had lesbian haircuts can’t do it either. So, looks like you’re going to sit in first class, as originally planned.
Tom Brady: Ugh, that’s not fair! First class isn’t fancy enough for me! Don’t these people know that I’m Tom Brady, and I can do whatever I want?
Pilot Falco: Just like you broke the rules and deflated footballs?
Tom Brady: What did you say!?
Pilot Falco: Oh, nothing. Enjoy your flight, Tom.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country, so after a quick stop in Canada, he has decided to travel to Mexico…
Tom Brady: Ah, the great city of Mexico! Can’t believe I’m finally here. Though it’s not as cold as I imagined it would be. I didn’t have to pack my poofy-ball hat after all!
Tom Brady approaches one of the locals to begin campaigning for Donald Trump’s wall.
Tom Brady: Excuse me, sir. I am here to convince you that your country needs to spend resources building a wall so we can keep the Latin Kings out.
Foreigner: Latin Kings? What problem do you have with the Latin Kings?
Tom Brady: Because they’re evil. They trim their pubes while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Besides, don’t you think enough Latin people have come into our great country of America from this hell hole?
Foreigner: Hey mang, watch what you saying or someone is going to summon the energy to kick your a**.
Tom Brady tries several other foreigners, but to no avail. He then decides that he needs to aim higher. He needs to ask someone higher up in the government. Brady finds the office of such a person and then pitches his idea.
Tom Brady: Excuse me, sir, you’re the mayor of Mexico, yes? I need a favor. I need you to use your tax dollars so that you build a wall to keep the Latin Kings out.
Mayor of Mexico: Latin Kings!? Why would I want to keep them in Mexico? I’ve been trying to get rid of them for the longest time.
Tom Brady: I can see that you Mexicans are being unreasonable. OK, here’s my deal. If you build a wall, I will give you one of my Justin Bieber music videos.
Mayor of Mexico: Oh, I love Justin Bieber and we have no DVD manufacturers in Mexico, so I don’t have access to his wonderful videos. OK, I’ll do the deal if you throw in your poofy-ball hat. And you must also do one other thing.
Tom Brady: My hat? But I love this hat! I wear it to all the games!
Mayor of Mexico: I’ve always coveted a hat like that. We only have sombreros in Mexico. No one has a poofy-ball hat like yours. In a land of sombrero-wearers, the one with the poofy-ball hat can be king. I’ve always wanted to be king.
Tom Brady: Well, I want to do everything in my power to keep the Latin Kings out… OK, deal! You got it, mayor.
Mayor of Mexico: That’s king, to you. You may address me as “sire” or “your grace.” Please respect the poofy-ball hat. And it’s not a deal yet, since you have to do me one favor.
Tom Brady: OK, fine.
Tom Brady reaches for the zipper on the King of Mexico’s pants.
King of Mexico: No, no, no, not that sort of favor! My request is for you to embrace the Mexican culture so that I can tell my loyal subjects that I am doing this for a fellow Mexican.
Tom Brady: Ugh, first learning the Canadian language, now this… The things I do for the enjoyment of Justin Bieber music videos.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. After arriving in Mexico, the King of Mexico asked him to embrace Mexican culture…
Tom Brady: Ah, the grand opening of Taco Bell! This will surely show the King of Mexico that I have embraced the wonderful Mexican culture. Hark, here he comes now.
King of Mexico: Tom, what is the meaning of this?
Tom Brady: Your grace! I hope you enjoy this new dining establishment!
King of Mexico: Unbelievable…
Tom Brady: I know! I traveled all throughout the town of Mexico, and I didn’t see a single Taco Bell. Not one! At first I was confused, but then I realized that you guys don’t have Taco Bells because no one has ever heard of them because you’re in a different country than us.
King of Mexico: Tom, we don’t have Taco Bell because it’s not genuine Mexican food!
Tom Brady: I disagree. I’m beginning to think that you are the one who doesn’t know Mexican culture!
King of Mexico: But I’m the King of…
Tom Brady: Here, your grace. Try this thing. It’s called a taco. I made it myself.
King of Mexico: I know what a taco is…
Tom Brady: Clearly not because Taco Bell is the only restaurant that serves tacos. Here, try it. It’s beef and cheese in a tortilla shell.
King of Mexico: Ugh, fine, only if it’s to shut you… oh wow, this is quite good. I’ve never had a taco quite like this!
Tom Brady: See, told you! Do I know Mexican culture, or what?
King of Mexico: I must admit that I was wr… wait, what are all these people doing here?
Tom Brady: My new customers! I have opened up a Taco Bell! None of you know what a taco is right now, but once you’ve had one of them, you’ll come back for more!
King of Mexico: Wait, Tom! I need one more! Maybe two more!
Tom Brady: Get in back of the line, your grace! No butting!
King of Mexico: Please, Tom, please! I’ll do anything for a Taco Bell taco!
Tom Brady: Only if you say that I’ve fulfilled my promise to you of embracing Mexican culture!
King of Mexico: Fine, fine, fine! Deal! You’ve fulfilled your duty. In fact, for bringing Taco Bell to Mexico, you might just be the greatest Mexican ever!
The King of Mexico reaches out to shake Tom Brady’s hand, but the sound of gunfire stops them. Suddenly, a bald man wearing yellow and sporting a goatee stormed into the Taco Bell.
King of Mexico: Who goes there? I am the King of Mexico!
Goateed Man: King? I kneel to no one. I am with the Latin Kings, the real rulers of Mexico. Tom Brady, if you want your wall built, you’ll have to prove you’re a true Mexican to us.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom was able to convince the King of Mexico to build a wall, but then the Latin Kings showed up and demanded more…
Latin Kings Guy: I have to say, Tom. I didn’t think you had it in you. When you first told me you had no interest in trimming your pubes while watching Justin Bieber music videos like we do, I didn’t think you would ever become a true Mexican. But here I see you farming, and I have changed my mind.
Tom Brady: To be honest, I didn’t think I could do it either. When I refused to trim my pubes, I thought you were going to kill me. But I was prepared for that. I would rather die than trim my pubes while watching Justin Bieber videos.
Latin Kings Guy: You crazy Americans and your nipple-touching ways. I will never understand it, but I have an open mind.
Tom Brady: Good. I’m glad we could come to an understanding.
Latin Kings Guy: OK, so show me what you’ve learned from farming so I can confirm you as a true Mexican so I can authorize the construction of the wall.
Tom Brady: Easy-peezy, lemon squeezy!
Latin Kings Guy: Lemons? We have no lemons here.
Tom Brady: It’s an expression. Anyway, this animal I’m holding here has changed my life. I feel a special bond with it.
Latin Kings Guy: Good. Sounds like you know how to be a true Mexican farmer!
Tom Brady: Yes. In fact, this cow has become my best friend. Move over Rob Gronk…
Latin Kings Guy: Cow?
Tom Brady: Yes. This cow I’m holding.
Latin Kings Guy: That’s not a cow, mang…
Tom Brady: Of course it is! It’s a cow because I was able to squeeze milk out of it, and when it goes No. 2 to the bathroom, it’s going to produce cheeseburgers for us to eat!
Latin Kings Guy: Cheeseburgers? Cows? You haven’t learned anything!
Tom Brady: What? I know everything! I know more than you!
Latin Kings Guy: That’s it! Deal’s off! I’m not authorizing the construction of the wall! In fact, because you are so ignorant, I’m going to convince my Latin King brothers to hasten the process to invade America. Soon, everyone will be forced to trim their pubes while watching Justin Bieber music videos! Hahahahahahaha!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom was able to convince the King of Mexico to build a wall, but wasn’t able to please the Latin Kings. Tom has decided to return to the United States to convince Americans that building Trump’s wall is now more imperative than ever.
Tom Brady: Attention! Attention! The Latin Kings are coming, and we need to build a wall!
American Citizen: Eww, a Donald Trump supporter! Why do you want to murder all Mexicans!? Why do you hate all gays!?
Tom Brady: What? I never said that! I just know for a fact that we’re going to be invaded by the Latin Kings, who are going to make us touch…
American Citizen: Shut up, racist! I’m not going to listen to another word you say!
Tom Brady: OK, I’ll try someone else even though I only complained about the Latin Kings. Hey, excuse me, but will you support the construction of…
American Citizen No. 2: Why are you supporting Trump!?!? He wants to round up all the Muslims and throw them out of the country! He’s probably going to execute them!
Tom Brady: What? He never said that. He said that he wants it to ban them from entering the country tempor…
American Citizen No. 2: You hate Muslims just as much as he does! I hope you and Donald Trump both die and go to hell!
Tom Brady: That’s kind of rude. I’ll try another person. Hey, sir, how do you feel about building a…
American Citizen No. 3: Get away from me, scum! How dare you support Donald Trump!?!?!? You deserve to be thrown in prison!!!
Tom Brady: For supporting a candidate? What is going on here? Excuse me, miss, what…
American Citizen No. 4: DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER!!?!? AHHH!!! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT WOMEN!?!??! HE SAID HE WANTS TO RAPE ALL WOMEN!!!!
Tom Brady: Uhh… he had a private conversation most dude bros have with each other, and didn’t the other candidate actually cover up rapes her husband was guilty of? Isn’t that worse?
American Citizen No. 4: NO!!! WORDS ARE WORSE THAN ACTIONS!!! ANDERSON COOPER SAID SO!!!
Tom Brady: What? That doesn’t make any sense. Hey, what about you? How does a wall sound to keep out the Latin Kings?
American Citizen No. 5: A Donald Trump supporter! Hey everyone, let’s throw eggs at him because we blindly hate one side and happen to be the true racists and fascists, completely refusing all dialogue! Let’s get him!!!
Despite Tom’s best efforts, he couldn’t convince a single American that building a wall was absolutely imperative. Making matters worse, his new hat was ruined. Tom cried himself to sleep that night, fully aware that he lost both his poofy-ball hat and red Donald Trump hat in the span of several weeks.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom was able to convince the King of Mexico to build a wall, but wasn’t able to please the Latin Kings. Tom wasn’t able to convince the left in America that the wall is important either.
Convinced that he has no chance of ever getting the wall built, Tom flies a plane to a deserted island, where he’s content to live out the rest of his remaining days.
Tom Brady: Drat! No water in this shell. I had a chance to bring a couple cases of Poland Spring water bottles, but I figured I could just drink water that comes out of seashells instead. I’m such an idiot! A worthless idiot!
Tom tries a few more shells, but to no avail.
Tom Brady: Why do they call these things seashells if there’s no sea in them!? Maybe I’m just the smart one. Yeah! That’s it! I’m smarter than everyone else. If I had things my way, these things would be called sand shells. And the wall would be built. The wall…
Tom Brady collapses onto the sand, staring directly into the sun before he realizes it’s hurting his eyes.
Tom Brady: If only I bought sunglasses, too. Then my eyes wouldn’t hurt. But I thought I could find sunglasses here since it’s hot and everyone knows that sunglasses are made from the rays of sunlight that come down in hot places.
Tom passes out and wakes up hours later. The sun is still beaming down on him, and his skin has burned.
Tom Brady: At least I’m not in America, trimming my pubes while watching Justin Bieber videos… That is a fate worse than death.
Suddenly, Tom is shaken by the rustling of leaves behind him.
Tom Brady: Oh no! The black smoke monster from Lost is here and it’s going to eat me! Why, God, why!?
Tom quickly realizes that the noise wasn’t being made by a smoke monster. In fact, it was someone he was quite familiar with.
Tom Brady: Donald Trump! What are you doing here!? How’d you know I was here!? And how’d you get here!? I didn’t hear a jet!
Donald Trump: Tom, I’m a billionaire. I know where everyone is. I was able to use one of the tubes in my garden to transport to this island, where I blew a whistle I stole from a treasure chest, and the wind took me away and put me here.
Tom Brady: Wow! Amazing!
Donald Trump: Not amazing. Look what this island breeze is doing to my beautiful hair, Tom.
Tom Brady: Oh, sorry. I should have told you where I was so you could bring some gel.
Donald Trump: That would have been useful, Tom. But let’s cut to the chase. Tom, why are you here? Why is my wall not being built?
Tom Brady: Because everyone hates me! The Latin Kings want me to trim pubes with them, while Americans all threw eggs at me because I was wearing your hat.
Donald Trump: This is about eggs? Tom, if I had a nickel for every time someone threw an egg at me or one of my supporters, I’d be a rich man right now. Oh wait, I am rich! But Tom, I digress. You can’t quit. You’re Tom Brady. You are the most charming man alive. Use that charm to get that wall up!
Tom Brady: Yes… yes! I am Tom Brady! I am cunning, charming and a parallelogram of honesty!
Donald Trump: Yes, a true parallelogram of honesty!
Tom Brady: OK, Mr. Trump! You’ve convinced me. I’m going back to America to get the wall built, no ifs, ands or buts!
Donald Trump: Great, Tom!
Tom Brady: Just one thing, Donald. How do I get back?
Donald Trump: Beats me. I’m out of warp whistles.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom was able to convince the King of Mexico to build a wall, but wasn’t able to please the Latin Kings. Tom wasn’t able to convince Americans that the wall is important either. Convinced that he has no chance of ever getting the wall built, Tom flew to a deserted island, but Donald Trump persuaded him to give it another shot…
Tom Brady: I’m here at the airport, after a long flight. I don’t know why I’m talking to myself right now. It’s almost as if Walt couldn’t think of a better way to start this chapt… hey, guy in the glasses, I know you! You’re the King of Mexico!
King of Mexico: Hey, Tom. I’m not the King of Mexico anymore, unfortunately.
Tom Brady: What happened?
King of Mexico: The Latin Kings, mang. Whatever you did on that ranch really pissed them off. They breached my castle walls and forced me to trim my pubes while watching Justin Bieber music videos. I said no, so they exiled me from the country.
Tom Brady: That’s horrible!
King of Mexico: Tell me about it. They’ve been forcing every Mexican to do so as well. At first, people protested, but then the Latin Kings threatened to take their Taco Bell tacos away. People have become addicted to them, no thanks to you, Tom, so they were successfully coaxed into trimming their pubes to Justin Bieber music videos.
Tom Brady: I’m sorry, your grace.
King of Mexico: Just call me Jose Hernandez. And no worries, mang. Just do me one favor to make up for it?
Tom Brady: What is it your- I mean, Jose Hernandez?
Jose Hernandez: Take a picture with me? That way, I can post it on Facebook so maybe I can get a date with a girl.
The two take a lovely picture together, to the delight of Jose Hernandez.
Jose Hernandez: Thank you, Tom! I just hope you didn’t overshadow me in the picture with your sexy blue shirt.
Tom Brady: Oh, I’m sure all the ladies will love you.
Jose Hernandez: I hope so. I’m getting tired of videotaping women in their homes and pretending that I’m with them. But that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, what are you up to, Tom?
Tom Brady: I’m still trying to get that wall built. I thought I’ve tried every avenue, but I realized that I have one stone unturned: Hillary Clinton herself.
Jose Hernandez: Whoa, mang!
Tom Brady: Yes. I know. Going straight into the lion’s den. But it’s something I must do. Unfortunately, there’s one problem: I don’t know where she is right now.
Jose Hernandez: I can help with that, Tom! I have a new app I built that can steal files off women’s computers, you know, naked selfies they take of themselves and whatnot. Anyway, I was using my app and noticed that 716,000 files were deleted by one female user in Washington D.C. in the past hour. It’s gotta be her!
Tom Brady: Yes, it has to be. Only Hillary Clinton can delete so many files at that speed. Hark, I am on my way to Washington, D.C. to convince Hillary Clinton to build Donald Trump’s wall!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom tried every avenue, but failed on each attempt. There was only one remaining option: Persuade Hillary Clinton to build the wall herself.
Tom Brady: Mrs. Hillary Clinton, it was challenging to find you, but here you are.
Hillary Clinton: Hello, Tom. I have been expecting you. One of the e-mails I deleted told me that you were on your way here. I hope that all the dead bodies floating in my moat did not disturb you.
Tom Brady: I was wondering about that…
Hillary Clinton: Bill and I have killed countless people during our rise to prominence. We used to bury the bodies, but we have eventually discovered that we are untouchable. The media fears us and will stop at nothing to kiss our butts, so we figured why even hide the bodies? Just throw them into the moat so that the fish can eat their remains!
Tom Brady: As someone who has never cheated or done anything foul, I take extreme offense to this!
Hillary Clinton: Oh, come now, Tom. You and I both know you cheated. You tell yourself that you are a powerplex of honesty, but you’re really not. You have destroyed evidence. I have destroyed evidence. We were meant to be together.
Tom Brady: Be together?
Hillary Clinton: Yes, let me take off my dress and show you what I have got on underneath. See!? A Bill Belichick hoodie and headset. Oh, Tom, let us coach a game together.
Tom Brady: Coach a game together?
Hillary Clinton: Yes, Tom. I will give you the signals. You lead our team to victory.
Tom Brady: I… I can’t…
Hillary Clinton: Yes, you can. I will start with some simple signals…
Tom Brady and Hillary Clinton coach a game together. It’s awkward at first, but Tom Brady explodes into a victory when all is said and done.
Hillary Clinton: Was that not great, Tom?
Tom Brady: Phew… better than I thought it would be.
Hillary Clinton: So, I suppose you are going to try to convince me to build Donald Trump’s wall?
Tom Brady: How did you know I was going… wait, never mind. I forgot who I was speaking to.
Hillary Clinton: Tom, I am going to build that wall when I become elected. And yes, I will be elected. I have already hacked all the IP addresses to ensure my victory. But the wall needs to be built. After conducting some research, I have discovered that the wall will create some bandwidth interference that will allow me to delete many e-mails at a much faster rate.
Tom Brady: Well… I guess my work here is done…
Hillary Clinton: Not quite. I think we have another game to coach together…
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom eventually is successful in convincing Hillary Clinton to build the wall, so all there is left to do is relax…
Tom Brady: Ah, my job is complete. And much earlier than expected. This is only Episode 12 of this 16-part series, so something obviously has to go wrong. But until it does, I will relax on my fancy-shmancy couch.
The door bell rings. It’s Tom Brady’s second-best friend, Rob Gronkowski.
Tom Brady: Hey, Rob. I’m glad you stopped by, because we have to talk. When I was in Mexico, trying to convince them to build Donald Trump’s wall, I became best friends with a cow. I’m sorry, but you’ve been demoted to second-best-friend status.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK LIKE WALL. WHY YOU TRY BUILD WALL AND NO TELL GRONK? GRONK HELP BUILD WALL THEN GRONK SMASH AND BREAK DOWN WALL HAHAHAHAHA!
Tom Brady: Do you not care? Or did you not understand anything I said about becoming best friends with a cow in Mexico?
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK LIKE COW, TOO. GRONK LIKE EAT COW. COW TURN INTO CHEESEBURGER WITH CHEESEBURGER MACHINE AND THEN GRONK EAT. GRONK EAT CHEESEBURGER; NOT CHEESEBURGER MACHINE.
Tom Brady: Cheeseburger machine? You might drop to third-best friend after that comment. There’s no such thing as a cheeseburger machine.
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT YOU SAY.
Tom Brady: Cheeseburgers aren’t made that way. Cheeseburgers come from cow poop. Cheeseburgers plop out of their butts, much like milk comes from cows’ penises.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK EAT COW POOP?
Tom Brady: If you eat cheeseburgers, yes.
Rob Gronkowski: NO! GRONK NO WANT EAT COW POOP! GRONK NO LIKE CHEESEBURGER NO MORE!
Tom Brady: Sorry to burst your bubble, Gronk. I’m just bored.
Rob Gronkowski: I THOUGHT YOU BUILD WALL.
Tom Brady: Hillary Clinton’s going to do that for me.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK CONFUSE. YOU GOING TO BUILD WALL?
Tom Brady: No, Hillary!
Rob Gronkowski: YOU GOING TO BUILD WALL?
Tom Brady: No! You’re an idiot! And now you’re my fourth-best friend!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom eventually is successful in convincing Hillary Clinton to build the wall. Now that he’s completely bored and has nothing to do, he has decided to do some charity work…
Tom Brady: I really need to thank Donald Trump for this. I never knew I’d be such an ardent lover of animals before my journey began. Now, I can’t stop hugging them and holding them!
Random Voice: I’m glad you like it, Tom.
Tom Brady: It’s more than like. It’s love! I’m going to do charity work like this all the time now!
Random Voice: That’s great, Tom. It’s always nice to find a new passion.
Tom Brady: Yeah, animals are the best. Better than people, really. Who the hell needs people, anyway? All they do is throw eggs at you for supporting one political candidate or accuse you of cheating even though I’m a paradigm of integrity.
Random Voice: A paradigm of integrity, for sure.
Tom Brady: I’m glad you agree. Wait, who am I talking to?
Tom Brady looks around, but doesn’t see anyone.
Tom Brady: Who’s there? And where are you? I don’t see anyone.
Random Voice: I’m right here, Tom.
Tom Brady: Where? I don’t see anyone. All I see is me holding my beloved cow.
Random Voice: COW!? I’M NOT A F***ING COW!
Tom Brady: Wait… you?
Random Voice: Yes, me. And I’m not a damn cow. I’m a freaking leopard.
Tom Brady: Wow, you can talk!?
Leopard: Uhh… yes. That’s what I’ve been doing.
Tom Brady: So… umm… do cheeseburgers come out of your butt, too?
Leopard: No. Cheeseburgers don’t come out of any animal’s butt.
Tom Brady: Aha! Caught you in a lie! You’re probably not even talking to me right now.
Leopard: Tom, I’m really not.
Tom Brady: Wait, what?
Leopard: Tom. I need to tell you something very important…
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom eventually is successful in convincing Hillary Clinton to build the wall. He decides to do some charity work, but the leopard he comes into contact with begins talking and tells him that it needs to inform him of something very important.
Tom Brady: OK, so what’s this super-duper important thing you have to tell me, Mr. Cow? I don’t have all day.
Leopard: First of all, I’m not a f***ing cow. I’m a leopard. Get it straight, a**hole. And second, you do exactly have all day. That’s all you have, actually.
Tom Brady: I’m confused. How can you not be a cow if cheeseburgers come out of your butt?
Leopard: I- I don’t even know anymore. Tom, you might just be the dumbest human being I’ve ever not met.
Tom Brady: Ever not met? What do you mean?
Leopard: Exactly what I just said. You never met me.
Tom Brady: But I’m talking to you right now and disagreeing with you on whether cheeseburgers will come out of your anus right now. Wait, here they come!
The leopard begins pooping. Inexplicably, cheeseburgers drop out of its butt.
Tom Brady: See? I told you!
Leopard: Ugh. Those aren’t cheeseburgers.
Tom Brady: Yes, they are! I’ll prove it!
Tom Brady picks up a cheeseburger and takes a bite out of it. And then another. And a third. He keeps going because the cheeseburger doesn’t taste like anything. It’s almost as if he’s eating air.
Tom Brady: I don’t understand. Why do these cheeseburgers not taste like anything?
Leopard: Because they’re nothing, Tom. Tom, you’ll need to sit down for this.
Tom Brady: OK…
Leopard: Tom, nothing you’ve done so far has been real. Your encounters with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, this business with building the wall… none of it has happened!
Tom Brady: I don’t understand… how could I know those things about Donald and Hillary if I never met with them?
Leopard: You couldn’t have met with them, Tom.
Tom Brady: Why not? I’m a celebrity, and they’d be happy to hang out with me.
Leopard: Tom. They’re not real. Donald Trump is not real. Hillary Clinton is not real. Both are figments of your imagination. As am I.
Tom Brady: I… I… What about my trip to Mexico? I met the King of Mexico!
Leopard: Tom, there is no King of Mexico. You’ve never even been to Mexico. In fact, you’ve been on your couch this entire time, conjuring up fake political figures and missions.
Tom Brady: But… I…
Leopard: Tom, one the count of three, you’ll be back on your fancy-shmancy couch. One… two…
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom eventually is successful in convincing Hillary Clinton to build the wall. He decides to do some charity work, but the leopard he comes into contact with begins talking and tells him that he has imagined the entire thing!
Tom Brady: NO! NOOOO!!! HOW COULD I HAVE IMAGINED EVERYTHING! NOT POSSIBLE!
Tom Brady: Hello, Tom. Let me tell you some news. This is going to be huge. Huge!
Tom Brady: Hey, Tom. I’m wearing my Bill Belichick outfit again. Let’s coach.
Tom Brady: Get out of my head, voices!!!
Tom Brady: Ya fired.
Tom Brady: Excuse me, I need to delete 719,000 e-mails.
Tom Brady: All hail me, I’m the King of Mexico, and I love Taco Bell!
Tom Brady: Get out, voices! Get out!
Tom Brady: What voices are you talking about, buddy?
Tom Brady: I don’t know, guy. What do you think, fwend?
Tom Brady: First down, Tom. Let’s run some muff plays, Tom.
Tom Brady: MOOOOOOOO!!!
Tom Brady: Tom, if you’ll excuse me, I need to give white masks to the small hooded guys in my garden.
Tom Brady: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Tom Brady: Second down, Tom. Get under my center. Wait, hold on, some more e-mails need to be deleted.
Tom Brady: Tom, I need to tell you something important.
Tom Brady: I am a cow. I am going to poop some cheeseburgers now.
Tom Brady: Tom, will you take a picture with me? I need girls to finally like me so I can stop stalking them.
Tom Brady: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Donald Trump: Tom, what are you doing?
Tom Brady: Donald Trump…? Is that really you?
Donald Trump: No, you dingus. I’m not real.
Hillary Clinton: Neither was I. Do you honestly think someone could run for president after deleting countless e-mails containing confidental information? Hahahaha!
Donald Trump: And what about me? Look at my hair! Ridiculous! I could never exist in real life!
Tom Brady: So, you’re both fake then. Why are you talking to me?
Donald Trump: Because you have a job to do, Tom. We’re really your subconscious speaking to you. The Two-Handed Gang is in real danger if the Latin Kings invade America. The part about trimming pubes is real.
Tom Brady: So what do I do to stop them?
Donald Trump: There’s only one thing to do, Tom.
Hillary Clinton: Yes. And we’re sure you know what it is.
Tom Brady: I… I think I know. Thanks, guys. I’ll get right on it!
Donald Trump: Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ll need to restock the flying bullets with faces in my cannons that exist in your imagination.
Hillary Clinton: And I have even more e-mails to delete.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
As for this season, Tom Brady was given a new mission from Donald Trump. He was told to visit the neighboring country and convince them to build a wall in case Trump loses to Hillary Clinton. Tom needs to do this to keep the Latin Kings out of the country. Tom eventually is successful in convincing Hillary Clinton to build the wall. However, he eventually learns that he has been both Trump and Hillary this entire time! That’s right – Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton never existed; they were just figments of Tom Brady’s multi-personality disorder.
Tom Brady: Hello everyone, my name is Tom Brady and I’m running for President of the United States. My running mate is none other than my fourth-best friend, Rob Gronkowski.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO KNOW WHAT HE AGREE TO. HIS BEST FRIEND TOM ASK IF HE WANT TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL AND GRONK ASK IF GRONK CAN PARTY WHEN VICE PRINCIPAL AND BEST FRIEND TOM SAY YES BECAUSE BILL CLINTON LIKE TO PARTY WHEN HE WAS PRINCIPAL.
Tom Brady: That’s right, everyone. Rob Gronkowski will be a great vice president. Everyone considers Bill Clinton to be one of the greatest, and he only sexually harassed a handful of women. Rob will have sex with lots of women – and he’ll have all of their consents!
Rob Gronkowski: YES GRONK POLITE, GRONK ALWAYS ASK GIRL FOR PERMISSION TO HAVE SEXUAL.
Tom Brady: Now, for my presidential promises. Being Donald Trump, I can promise to temporarily ban all Muslims and also build a giant wall to keep the Latin Kings out of the country so that the Two-Handed Gang can rub nipples and pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. I will also have rude conversations in private about women. And as Hillary Clinton, I promise to continue to increase the level of racial tension in this country and to use my personal computer to send classified e-mails that can easily be hacked. I will also be taking massive amounts of funds from Middle Eastern countries so that they have me in their back pocket. As someone who has murdered countless people over the years, I can say that these Middle Eastern countries are first-class partners. Sure, most of their governments consider being gay to be a crime punishable by death, but the important thing is that gays vote for me because I care about all of them deeply.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NOT GAY!!!
Tom Brady: I know, Gronk. I know. Anyway, kind sir in the street, will you vote for me?
Random Person: Vote for you? I don’t have a choice, a**hole! Since you’re both Hillary and Trump, you’re the only person running in this election!
Tom Brady: Thank you, thank you, I appreciate the vote. What about you, ma’am? Will you vote for me?
Random Woman: Piss off! But yeah, because you’re the only person on the ballot. Ugh!
Tom Brady: Thank you, thank you. Well, Gronk, it appears as though we might win this election after all.
Rob Gronkowski: ERECTION!? GRONK NO HAVE ERECTION RIGHT NOW!!!
Tom Brady: Election, Gronk; not erection. I’m sure it’ll be a close race, but in the end, we’ll be in the White House, and the Two-Handed Gang will be better off for it.
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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