The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts - 2013



The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts - 2013

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This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts features that I've posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.



THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place about a year ago...



Tom Brady: Hey, Aaron! What are you up to?

Aaron Hernandez: Not much, yo, about to hang out wit my boy Odin. What about you?

Tom Brady: Nothing. Hey, I heard you're part of this cool gang. Can I join?

Aaron Hernandez: Gang? I don't know about this gang you speak of. Go away.

Tom Brady: No, I swears. It's like the Bloods or something. Can I join? Please? I'll be the best gang member of all time!

Aaron Hernandez: Hmmm... well, you might have a lot to offer. I'll discuss it wit my gang member friends.

Tom Brady: Cool! What do you guys do, like sit around in a circle and tell ghost stories and stuff?

Aaron Hernandez: Something like that.

Tom Brady: I have the best ghost stories! I can't wait to tell you them. Like I have this one about a guy who goes into a haunted house and then he sees a ghost and stuff!

Aaron Hernandez: To be honest, Tom, we don't tell ghost stories, though we do sit in a circle during most meetings.

Tom Brady: Ohh... so what do you do in these circles?

Aaron Hernandez: Well, us Bloods like to sit in a circle without any pants on, and we touch each other's pee-pees while pictures of Justin Bieber flash on the projector screen.

Tom Brady: I love Justin Bieber!!! My wife wants me to get a haircut like him!

Aaron Hernandez: I'll tell you what, Tom. Go get a Justin Bieber haircut and wear it around for a year. If you do that, I'll let you into our super-awesome Bloods gang.

Tom Brady: You got a deal!





THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place during the summer...



Tom Brady: Aaron! Aaron! Look! I've successfully transformed into Justin Bieber after having his haircut for a whole year!

Aaron Hernandez: Not now, Tom. Can't you see I'm kind of busy?

Tom Brady: What happened!?

Aaron Hernandez: They said I killed some guy named Odin Lloyd.

Tom Brady: Is he the brother of Brandon Lloyd?

Aaron Hernandez: No. He's some guy who used to be a member of the Bloods, but we threw him out because he said he didn't want to touch our pee-pees anymore. So I had to kill him.

Tom Brady: Anyone who doesn't want to do that while looking at Justin Bieber's pics deserves to die!!!

Aaron Hernandez: Yeah, that's what I said. I can't believe I'm being arrested for this.

Tom Brady: Hey Aaron, before you go to jail, can you tell me what happened to your arms?

Aaron Hernandez: My Bloods gang brothers cut them off because they were jealous that I was going to touch other guys' pee-pees in prison.

Tom Brady: Were you going to?

Aaron Hernandez: Yeah lol.

Tom Brady: Well I'm going to spend the entire year trying to prove your innocence even though you just admitted that you killed Odin Lloyd. I want my tight end and my friend back, and I want to be a member of the Bloods so I can also sit in a circle and touch guys' pee-pees while looking at pics of Justin Bieber.

Aaron Hernandez: Thank you, Tom. I'll appreciate anything you can do for me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare my a**hole for prison penetration.



THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Justin! Justin! I need your help!

Justin Bieber: Quick, Tom, let's hide in the bushes!

The two look-alikes dive into the bushes near Bieber's house.

Tom Brady: Why are we hiding? Are we gonna play "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" again?

Justin Bieber: No, I'm scared. Keyshawn Johnson said he's gonna kill me if I made lots of noise again.

Tom Brady: Oh OK, well I'm here on behalf of my friend and tight end Aaron Hernandez. I'm out to prove his innocence, and I was hoping you could help me.

Justin Bieber: How can I do that, Tom?

Tom Brady: Aaron was part of a gang called the Bloods. They spent their time sitting around in a circle and touching each other's pee-pees while looking at pictures of you. If you were to testify in court, the jury will see that Aaron couldn't have killed Odin Lloyd because he was too busy pleasuring others to pictures of you.

Justin Bieber: Oh, lots of people do that! I'll testify if you do one thing for me.

Tom Brady: What's that?

Justin Bieber: Pretend you're me and apologize to Keyshawn.

Tom Brady: Deal. Keyshawn! Keyshawn! I'm sorry for making loud noises again!

Keyshawn Johnson: Come on, man! I told you to stop driving your car real f... wait, how did you just grow an entire foot in a few hours? And why don't you sound like a little girl anymore?

Tom Brady: Puberty, duh!

Keyshawn Johnson: Well, if you finally went through puberty, maybe you'll make more responsible decisions. I won't kill you if you stop driving your car really fast and if you do something about that stupid haircut. You're looking like that idiot Tom Brady. Come on, man!



THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Tim, do you have a second? I need to ask you a favor.

Tim Tebow: I'd like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ for the opportunity to speak to Tom Brady. Tom, what can I do for you? Do you want me to pray for soul because you had sex with women prior to getting married?

Tom Brady: No. I'm here to ask if you'll testify on Aaron Hernandez's behalf at his trial.

Tim Tebow: But he killed someone, and killing is bad, Tom. It's not as bad as being a homosexual, but he's still a sinner nonetheless!

Tom Brady: He killed Brandon Lloyd'd brother Odin for a reason though! Aaron was part of a gang called the Bloods, and all they did was touch each other's pee-pees while staring at pictures of Justin Bieber. Odin didn't want to do it anymore, so they killed him because of it.

Tim Tebow: Well, that's a different story then. God says that touching each other's pee-pees, especially those belonging to little boys, is OK as long as you're not a homosexual. I'll testify on Aaron's behalf if you do one thing for me.

Tom Brady: What's that?

Tim Tebow: Cut your hair like a nice Christian boy and take a picture with me. My parents are worried that I don't have many friends, so they'll be pleased that I befriended a nice Christian boy.

Tom Brady: Deal!

Tim Tebow: Oh, Tom, this is going to be quite wonderful. Maybe I'll even join the Bloods in the future because what they do sound fun - as long as none of touch pee-pees homosexually, of course!



THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Thank you all for coming to my charity, Aaron Without Arms. It really means a lot to me that you're all supporting my cause.

Random Person: We're not supporting anything. We just want to know what this charity is for.

Tom Brady: AWA is a foundation for Aaron Hernandez. He...

Random Person: He killed someone!

Tom Brady: Only because that person wouldn't cooperate in the pee-pee touching while Justin Bieber's pics were on the screen! Our purpose at AWA is to raise money for Aaron so he can purchase bionic arms, which will allow him to partake in the Bloods' activities once his innocence is proven.

Random Person: You're crazy. I'm out of here!

Random Person No. 2: Me too!

All of the people leave, save for Tom Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen.

Tom Brady: Why did all of these people leave!? Doesn't anyone want Aaron to be able to touch his gang members' pee-pees again!?

Gisele: Zey idiots. Vhat you need do iz go to celebrity who also like touch pee-pee. Zen you get zee money for guy who kill ozzer guy.

Tom Brady: You're right! You're so right! This is why I love you. You give me great ideas. Plus, our conversations are legendary because we have so much in common. Let's have one now.

Gisele: OK iz good have talking.

Tom Brady: Yeah. We love to talk to each other.

Gisele: Iz good talk.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Gisele: Yes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Gisele: ...

Tom Brady: ...

Gisele: ...

Tom Brady: Wow, we have so much in common! Time for me to go approach celebrities!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Jake Gyllenhaal, OMG, I'm such a huge fan, OMG!

Jake Gyllenhaal: Oh, cool, you have the same hairstyle as me! Do you want an autograph, little boy?

Tom Brady: I'm not a little boy. I'm Tom Brady from the Patriots!

Jake Gyllenhaal: Oh... then why are you emulating my hairstyle? That's kind of weird.

Tom Brady: Because I'm such a huge fan OMG. Anyways, cool charity you got here. Feed the Homeless? What's that all about?

Jake Gyllenhaal: Umm... we raise money to feed the homeless...

Tom Brady: OMG that is so cool, OMG, hey Jake, I have an even better charity for you to get into. It stands for AWA - Aaron Without Arms.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Oh, really? Does that support war veterans who have lost their arms, or something?

Tom Brady: No! OMG! It supports Aaron Hernandez because the Bloods cut his arms off so he wouldn't touch other men's pee-pees while he's in prison. We need to help him!

Jake Gyllenhaal: Hmm... that actually seems way more important than feeding the homeless. How can I help?

Tom Brady: I'll send over the paperwork. Hey, do you want to go grab a drink or something? This charity center you have here is dirty. Hopefully your evil sister burns it down like she did with that guy from Dirty Dancing's house in Donnie Darko.

Jake Gyllenhaal: What? My evil... I mean, my sister didn't burn that house down.

Tom Brady: Jake Gyllenhaal, OMG, do you even watch your own movie? Your evil sister teamed up with the evil rabbit, and they killed that guy and burned his house down and caused the plane to crash.

Jake Gyllenhaal: What the hell are you talking about? You've obviously never watched by greatest work.

Tom Brady: I watched it like 20 times OMG!

Jake Gyllenhaal: I call bulls***! You've obviously never watched it if that's what you got out of it. See, the plot is, the main character is told the world's going to end 28 days and... umm... and then... the plane crash has something to do with... umm...

Tom Brady: Your evil sister and the evil rabbit boarded the plane and crashed it into your house! Duh!

Jake Gyllenhaal: You're an idiot! That's it, I'm not helping you anymore. Aaron can go on without his arms for all I care!

Tom Brady: Jake Gyllenhaal, no, OMG, no, I'm sorry!

Jake Gyllenhaal: If you don't understand the plot of Donnie Darko, I don't want you in my life. Good day!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Tom Ford! It's so nice to meet you!

Tom Ford: Jeeezzzth Chriitthh, you have like my hair cut and thtuff!!! And like the thame name and thtuff too...

Tom Brady: Tom, I came to your foundation to urge you to support something else. I know you're all about helping orphans with cancer, and that's an honorable cause, but I was hoping you'd take a look at AWA, which stands for Aaron Without Arms.

Tom Ford: What is that like all about and thtuff?

Tom Brady: AWA is made to raise money for Aaron Hernandez. He lost his arms because the Bloods cut them off, since it was apparent that he'd be forced to touch other men's pee-pees while in prison.

Tom Ford: Jeeezzzth Chriitthh, that'th like horrible and thtuff!

Tom Brady: I'm glad you agree.

Tom Ford: Who needth thutpid orpanth with canther? Thith ith more important! I'll agree to donate $10 million dollarth to AWA.

Tom Brady: That's fantastic, Tom! I'll pick up the check to... hey, what are you guys doing here?

Chris Culliver: I'm Chris Culliver, and I believe all gays need to die!

Mike Wallace: I'm Mike Wallace, and I don't understand why gay men would choose to have sex with other gay men!

Tom Brady: Guys, do you want to donate to AWA?

Chris Culliver: No, we want to kill this Tom Ford a**hole for spreading his gay ideas around!

Mike Wallace: Yeah! They're stupid because gays are so dumb for wanting to sleep with men!

Chris Culliver and Mike Wallace kill Tom Ford and sprint out of the building before authorities can arrive.

Tom Brady: This is horrible. Now I'll never raise enough money for Aaron Without Arms!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Hey kid! Hey kid!

Random Kid: What is it mistew?

Tom Brady: I'm raising money for Aaron Without Arms. I was hoping you'd be able to contribute.

Random Kid: What is Awon Without Awms?

Tom Brady: It's so my friend Aaron can touch pee-pees with other guys while looking at pictures of Justin Bieber.

Random Kid: I wove Justin Biebew!

Tom Brady: OK, great, so please make a check out to Aaron Without Arms at your earliest convenience. And by earliest convenience, I mean now.

Random Kid: But I don't have check.

Tom Brady: I call bulls***. I saw you operate that lemonade stand around the corner. I saw you pocket all that money. Now, hand that money over to me. You've got what, five grand? Ten grand? Give it to me, kid. Aaron needs it.

Random Kid: I have three dowwaws and fifty cents.

Tom Brady: Liar! You sold lemonade for hours. No way did you come away with just three dollars and fifty cents. More like three thousand dollars and fifty cents.

Random Kid: What is thouswand?

Tom Brady: Don't play dumb with me, kid. Hand over all of your money now!

Random Kid: Mommy! Tom Bwady is yewwing at me!

Mother: Get away from my son! Stop harassing him for money! What the hell is wrong with you!?

Tom Brady: I need his money so Aaron Hernandez can touch pee-pees again.

Mother: Sicko! You're lucky I'm not calling the cops!

Tom Brady: Fine. I'll go. But when Aaron is miserable in prison, know that you're responsible!

Tom Brady rides away on his bike.

Mother: Are you OK, sweetie?

Random Kid: Yes, mother. Mr. Brady nearly convinced me to give him all my money, but I still have it. We will be able to use this cash in our plan to take over the world! Muhahahahaha!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Nothing's working... I've tried so many celebrities. I asked the kid running the lucrative lemonade stand to help me out. I can't seem to raise any money for Aaron Without Arms! There's only one thing left to do.

Tom Brady walks out of his house with his precious football. He wanders over to the local pumpkin patch. He sits down and waits until nightfall. His bald friend meets him there.

Tom Brady's Bald Friend: Who are you waiting for, Tom?

Tom Brady: This is the time of year the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch, and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children.

Tom Brady's Bald Friend: You must be crazy. When are you going to stop believing in something that isn't true? And when will you stop carrying that stupid football around with you?

Tom Brady: When you stop believing in that fellow in the red suit and the white beard who goes, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Tom Brady's bald friend walks away in frustration. Tom Brady's older sister approaches.

Tom Brady's Older Sister: NOT AGAIN!

Tom Brady: The Great Pumpkin will rise out of this Pumpkin Patch and give me money for Aaron Without Arms!

Tom Brady's Older Sister: YOU MAKE ME THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! ALL THEY TALK ABOUT IS MY LITTLE BROTHER WHO ALWAYS WRITES TO THE GREAT PUMPKIN. YOU BETTER CUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW OR I'LL POUND YOU!

Tom Brady's older sister storms off.

Tom Brady: I've learned not to discuss three things with people. Religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.

Tom Brady's older sister's hot friend approaches.

Tom Brady's Older Sister's Hot Friend: YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME! THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS A FAKE!

She leaves. Gisele is next to visit him.

Gisele: Vhat you doing?

Tom Brady: On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch. He flies through the air to give toys to all of the good little children everywhere. In my case, it'll be money for Aaron Without Arms.

Gisele: You iz crazy, Tom. Vhy not ask for more celebrooty for more money?

Tom Brady: You'll see! This will work!

Tom Brady waits all night. He eventually hears a stir in the bushes, but it's just his bald friend's dog. The following day, Tom Brady met up with his bald friend.

Tom Brady's Bald Friend: Well, another Halloween has come and gone. I suppose you spent all night in the pumpkin patch, and the Great Pumpkin never showed up? I've done a lot of stupid things in my life too.

Tom Brady: STUPID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STUPID? YOU'LL WAIT AND SEE! NEXT YEAR AT THIS SAME TIME, I'LL FIND A PUMPKIN PATCH THAT'S REAL SINCERE! AND I'LL SIT IN THAT PUMPKIN PATCH UNTIL THE GREAT PUMPKIN APPEARS! HE'LL RISE OUT OF THAT PUMPKIN PATCH AND HE'LL FLY THROUGH THE AIR WITH HIS BAG OF TOYS AND MONEY FOR AARON WITHOUT ARMS! THE GREAT PUMPKIN WILL APPEAR, AND I'LL BE WAITING FOR HIM! I'LL BE THERE!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Stevan Ridley: Hey, Tom, what are you planning on doing on your week off? Are you going to the water park like you did last year? If so, can I join?

Tom Brady: Not this year, Stevan. I'm desperate for money for the Aaron Without Arms foundation, so I have to take a side job.

Tom Brady drives over to a local agency, where he's told to pose for pictures with an angry dog.

Camera Person: Yes, that's it! Now give me an angry look, Tom! That's it! Channel your inner anger! Yes! That was the shot I needed! That's a wrap!

Tom Brady: Phew, now that that's over, let's begin the real work!

Camera Person: Real work? We just wanted pictures of you with an angry dog for our product.

Tom Brady: But I can speak to dogs. I thought that's what you brought me in here for.

Camera Person: No, we just wanted pictures. You can go home now.

Tom Brady: But you can pay me extra to speak to dogs. Watch this! Ruff, ruff rooooo ruff ruff ruff!!!

Camera Person: What are you doing?

Tom Brady: You're being rude and interrupting. Ruff, ruff, ruff? Ruff ruff? Ruff Ruff roooooo ruff ruff! Ruff.

The angry dog walks over and urinates on the camera person.

Tom Brady: See? I told him to pee on you because you were being very rude and interrupting me. I also asked him for some advice on how to raise money for Aaron Without Arms.

Camera Person: What? You couldn't have possibly said that.

Tom Brady: Idiot! Watch this! Arf, arf, ruff, ruff, raoooo ruff, ruff.

The angry dog runs over to the camera person, leans its butt toward his shoes and proceeds to squirt diarrhea over it. It then trots over to the fridge, takes out a beer and carries it over to Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Want to guess what I said to the dog this time?

Camera Person: The f*** is going on here?

Tom Brady: Now, hand me extra money for doing this so I can give Aaron Hernandez some new arms so he can touch men's pee-pees in prison.

Camera Person: But I don't have extra money to give you! What you're doing is impressive, but I don't see why it would entitle you to extra cash.

Tom Brady: That's it! Ruff, ruff, arf, raoooo, ruff, arf, arf, ruff, ruff. Arf!

The angry dog sprints to the camera person and begins humping his leg. The camera person falls down, allowing the dog to bite through the back of his jeans, revealing his butt crack. The dog then humps him in the backside.

Camera Person: AHHHHH I'M GETTING RAPED BY A DOG!!!

Tom Brady: Next time, when I demand extra money, give me extra money.


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Shane Vereen: Hey, Tom, you getting ready for the big Monday night game against the Panthers? Wait... what are you doing in that uniform?

Tom Brady: I'm going to play soccer, vis zee Los Angeles Galaxy, haw, haw, haw!!!

Shane Vereen: Why do you have a French accent all of a sudden? You're wearing David Beckham's jersey. He's British.

Tom Brady: I am soccer player and I going to score many goal, haw, haw, haw, wee wee!!!

Shane Vereen: Do you even know how to play soccer?

Tom Brady: Mais, non, but I get paid like soccer player and make $6.5 million per year like Beckham and give money to Aaron Hernandez so he can touch pee-pee, haw, haw, haw, wee wee pee pee!!!

Shane Vereen: That makes zero sense. You signed a 5-year, $60 million contract, so you make $12 million per year playing football. Why would you take a pay cut to play soccer? And why don't you just donate the money you earned playing football? I'm sure you can afford bionic arms for Aaron right now.

Tom Brady: But I great soccer player and I score many goals, haw, haw, haw!

Shane Vereen: I give up. Coach, can you please do something about this? It's getting ridiculous.

Bill Belichick: Tom! Stop screwing around. We have a big game coming up.

Tom Brady: I have big soccer game, wee, wee, haw, haw!!!

Bill Belichick: I didn't want to resort to this, Tom, but you leave me no choice. Remember that video I took of you? The one with the naked soccer players and the hamster? Well, wouldn't that suck if it somehow got leaked to the media?

Tom Brady: Oh non! Now I no get to play soccer, haw, haw wah wah!!!

Bill Belichick: Good. Now you can earn more money playing a sport you're actually good at.


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady arrived at the Kentucky Derby wearing his horse-owner gear.

Security Guard: Excuse me, sir, we're closed.

Tom Brady: Nonsense. I'm here for the Kentucky Derby. My horse is about to race. Excuse me, peon, but I have a horse to watch and money to win.

Security Guard: Sir, the Kentucky Derby's not for another six months or so. Please leave.

Tom Brady: I wouldn't expect a lowly peon like you to understand. I am a horse owner, so I am rich, and therefore I am better than you.

Security Guard: If you're a horse owner, what horse do you own?

Tom Brady: My horse is the No. 6 horse. He's named Bieber. He's very fast and even has a terrific Justin Bieber haircut.

Security Guard: There's no horse named the Bieber here. Please go home before I alert the authorities.

Tom Brady: Ha! And I thought you were the authorities! Move aside, peon, I have a horse to climb on and race.

Security Guard: You're riding the horse? I thought you owned it.

Tom Brady: I own and ride. I will make lots of money to purchase bionic arms for Aaron Hernandez, so he may touch other men's pee-pees in prison.

Security Guard: That's it, pervert! If you don't leave right now, I will taser you.

Tom Brady: Foolish, peon. I said move aside. I must ride the Bieber!

Security Guard tasered Tom Brady, who fell to the ground and into the fetal position.

Tom Brady: IT HURTS! IT HURTS!

Security Guard: I told you to leave!

Tom Brady: But... but... I must ride the Bieber... I must ride the Bieber so Aaron can touch pee-pees...


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last week...



Tom Brady walked into the Patriots' cafeteria. He grabbed some tofu and broccoli, and looked for a seat. Everyone at all the tables gave him a disgusted look. There was only one table in the back that seemed welcoming.

Tom Brady: Hey guys, do you think I could sit down here?

Steven Gregory: Sure! We're always looking for new friends!

Stephen Gostkowski: Yeah! It'll be fun to play Pokemon and Magic cards with you!

Tom Brady: The guys at the other table looked so mean. I wanted to sit with them, but they didn't look like they wanted me to.

Zoltan Mesko: Oh they for sure didn't want you to. See that table there with Rob Gronkowski and Shane Vereen? They're the jocks. You have to play sports to sit with them.

Tom Brady: But I play sports!

Stephen Gostkowski: In that outfit? Yeah right! Next thing you know, they'll start calling kickers, punters and crappy safeties "football players" as well!

Steven Gregory: LOL!

Zoltan Mesko: That table with Ryan Mallett and Aqib Talib - they're the gangstas. You don't want to mess around with their type. Oh, and that table right there with Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels is for the coaches. And there's one for the accountants and the cheerleaders...

Tom Brady: What table is this?

Steven Gregory: LOL!

Zoltan Mesko: Umm... hello? Pokemon and Magic cards? We're the nerd table! A word of advice, Tom, stay away from the second- and third-year veterans. The really old guys don't care, and the rookies are too busy being picked on, but the second- and third-year vets are eager and out for blood.

Tom Brady: What do they do?

Stephen Gostkowski: I got two wedgies already today! Steven here had his clothes flushed down the toilet. And Zoltan... well... he had to eat horse poop.

Zoltan Mesko: It wasn't that bad!

Stephen Gostkowski: We'll look out for each other, Tom. Us nerds have to stick... HOT GIRL ALERT! HOT GIRL ALERT! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

Steven Gregory: WHAT SHOULD I SAY OMG OMG OMG OMG HOT GIRL OMG!

Zoltan Mesko: WHAT DO I DO!? WHAT DO I DO!? WHAT DO I DO!?

Gisele: Vhy you sitting vis zee nerds? You must visit celebrooty and get zee money for Hoornandez arm!

Tom Brady: But these are my new friends!

Gisele: Zees nerd no have friend! I only friend you need and Aaron Hoornandez. Get zee arm for Aaron Hoornandez and no play Pookemoon and Magic card!

Tom Brady: Yes, Gisele...

Gisele storms off.

Stephen Gostkowski: That's your wife!?

Tom Brady: Yeah, she can be quite bossy.

Stephen Gostkowski: Does she have any friends?

Steven Gregory: OMG MAYBE SHE HAS HOT FRIENDS I CAN TALK TO AND TAKE PICTURES OF AND CARRY THEM AROUND OMG OMG OMG!

Zoltan Mesko: MAYBE WE CAN TALK TO THESE HOT GIRLS AND THEN TAPE THEM OMG OMG OMG!

Tom Brady: I don't think she has any friends.

Stephen Gostkowski: Tom, remember what I said about sticking together? Well, that no longer applies. You're holding out on us, so you've hereby been banished from the nerd table. Good day.


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady walked home sullenly. It's been nearly half a year, yet he's barely raised any money for Aaron Without Arms.

Tom Brady: Honey, I'm home.

Gisele: Vhat you doing!?

Tom Brady: What do you mean?

Gisele: You suppoosed to get mooney for Aaron Hoornandez but you no doing nasing! You only speaking to sree celebrooty and von who gay die. Zen you go eat loonch vis zee voorgin nerd! Vhy you no try to get mooney for Aaron Hoornondez!?

Tom Brady: I'm trying!

Gisele: You no try!? Vhere iz try!? I no see try!

Tom Brady: But... but... no one wants to help!

Gisele: I bet almoost everyboody vant helping! But you qvit and no try harder. You qvit like Toony Roomo in important game!

Tom Brady: Take that back! Seriously, take that back!

Gisele: I no take back until you get mooney for Hoornoondez. Now you looking like Toony Roomo!

Tom Brady: NOOOOOOO!!!

Gisele: You choke, choke, choke like Roomo! Choke vis zis celebrooty! Choke vis zat celebrooty! Alvays choke choke like Roomo!

Tom Brady: I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE TONY ROMO, WAHHHH!!!

Gisele: Now I see you cry, I no you big baby like Roomo. Stop cry and get mooney for Hoornoondez!

Tom Brady: Sob... sob... but how?

Gisele: You vill begin train next veek. Zen you vill stop choke!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Tom Brady: Excuse me, sensei? My wife told me that she set up a meeting for me with you?

Old Asian Man: Yes, Tom Brady-san. I herp you train so you a no choke when ask money from cerebrity.

Tom Brady: OK, let's get started! I can't wait to get money from those celebrities for Aaron Without Arms!

Old Asian Man: First things first, Tom Brady-san. You must a paint my fence then wash my car, then give me back massage.

Tom Brady: What? Why?

Old Asian Man: Do first. Ask question second. Hai!

Tom Brady painted the Old Asian Man's fence. He then washed his car and then gave him a back massage.

Tom Brady: Phew... I'm exhausted.

Old Asian Man: Me too. Watch you paint fence wrong coror very funny, make me tired, ha ha ha!

Tom Brady: Wrong color?

Old Asian Man: Tomorrow, you a paint fence right coror! Hai!

Tom Brady returned the following day to repaint the fence. He was worn out by the time he was done.

Old Asian Man: Good fence paint! Now we make you rearn how correct money from cerebrity!

Tom Brady: How do we do that?

Old Asian Man: You arready do! Make motion like paint fence. Is same motion make with hand show much money need correct! Hai!

*** 80s SONG MONTAGE plays while Brady walks up to Donald Trump. Trump spits in his face.

Tom Brady: It's not working, sensei!

Old Asian Man: You onry just begin! Make motion rike wash car. Same motion rike shake hand!

*** 80s SONG MONTAGE plays while Brady walks up to Matt Damon. The two talk for five minutes, and Damon hands him a $20 bill.

Tom Brady: I'm getting better, sensei!

Old Asian Man: But you have rong way to go! Motion rike back massage same motion make when rub man pee-pee. Hai!

*** 80s SONG MONTAGE plays while Brady walks up to Anderson Cooper. The two laugh for hours. Cooper then leads Brady to a seedy hotel room. Brady walks out of the room disturbed, but holding wads of cash.

Tom Brady: Look at all of this money!

Old Asian Man: First I teacher teach student. Now you student must a teach teacher! Hai!

Tom Brady: What do you mean, sensei?

Old Asian Man: I have rots of money too! I Kim Jung Un, King of North Korea. I not rearry ord! I herp you if you master what you rearn!

*** 80s SONG MONTAGE plays while Brady shows Kim Jung Un how much money he needs. The two then shake hands and then proceed to do something naughty in the old young Asian man's bath house. Brady eventually emerges with a barrel full of golden bricks.

Tom Brady: I've finally raised enough money for Aaron Without Arms!

Kim Jung Un: I so proud! Prease stop by next time even when you don't need correct money! Hai!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



Thousands of celebrities gathered at the convention center downtown for the Aaron Without Arms celebration. After everyone had some drinks and sat down at their tables, Anderson Cooper took the stage to introduce the leaders of AWA.

Anderson Cooper: Hi, I'm Anderson Cooper. You probably know me from all of those times I saved the world. Yeah, I'm great, and I'm so much better than all of you because I care. And you don't. I'm so glad you could make it out to this Aaron Without Arms event. We couldn't have done it without you. Well, I could have because I'm better than all of you combined. So, without further ado, the charity's first donor, Tim Tebow!

Tim Tebow: Thank you, Anderson. Thank you, all. Thank you, Tom Brady for creating this wonderful foundation. And thank you to our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Without Jesus, none of this could have been possible. We raised lots of money, but who made the money? Jesus did, of course. And we bought top-of-the-line bionic arms for Aaron Hernandez, but who made those bionic arms? Jesus did, of course. And with these new arms, Aaron Hernandez will be able to touch men's pee-pees in prison. Who made these prisons? Jesus, of course. And who made the pee-pees? Jesus, of course. So, I want to thank Jesus again because without him, none of this would have been possible. Thank you, and God bless!

Anderson Cooper: Wow, wow, that was such a moving speech, thank you Tim, you are so kind, but you are so wrong. I, Anderson Cooper, made all the money, the bionic arms, the prisons and the pee-pees - especially the pee-pees. I like them long and hard and... uhh... where were we? Oh yeah, it's time to introduce the man who would've made it all happen if it wasn't for me. Tom Brady, everybody!

Tom Brady: Thanks, Anderson! You're a great human being, especially because you complimented my hair and said you wanted to have sex with me. That's high praise coming from you. But anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for coming out tonight. It really means a lot to me that you all care about Aaron Hernandez being able to touch men's pee-pees in prison. It's been very difficult for him ever since he lost his arms. I can't wait to visit him in prison tomorrow to show him these new bionic arms! He's going to be...

Anderson Cooper: Tom, I hate to interrupt you. Well, actually, I love it because everyone can focus on me. But you won't have to wait until tomorrow - because we have Aaron Hernandez right here!

Aaron Hernandez walks out from behind the stage to a round of applause. He starts to salute the crowd with a hand wave, but quickly realizes that he doesn't have an arm to do so.

Aaron Hernandez: Wow... this means so much to me, Tom. You have no idea... you have no idea how difficult it's been to not have any arms the past half year... how difficult it's been to not touch the men's pee-pees in prison when they show us pictures of Justin Bieber.

Tom Brady: Does this mean that I can now be a member of the Bloods?

Aaron Hernandez: Of course! I'll speak to the leader of the Bloods, Elton John, as soon as possible. In the meantime, get the best Justin Bieber haircut possible and prepare for the ultimate erotic experience!

Tom Brady: I can't wait! My dreams have finally come true!


THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY'S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady's been stuck on three. He's no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games - especially those involving Tim Tebow - but then he's so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it's the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It's unknown to the media, but Brady's haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following event took place last weekend...



It was a special night at the Bloods headquarters. The president of the Bloods, Elton John, took the stage before the evening's Justin Bieber session.

Elton John: Ladies and gentlemen of the Bloods, this is a totally awesome night. We have a new member in our like totally awesome club. This is guy is like totally awesome, and his haircut is even more like totally awesome. Ladies and gentlemen Bloods, please give a warm welcome to Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Thanks guys! It's such a pleasure to be a member of the Bloods. I promise to be a Blood for life and to take my membership seriously.

Elton John: That's like totally awesome! And guys, you know what else is like totally awesome? Tom Brady's totally awesome hair! He's got a totally awesome Justin Bieber hairdo, so we don't have to look at Bieber's pics anymore when touching our own totally awesome pee-pees.

Tom Brady: Oh man, words can't describe how flattered I am. I've dreamt of men fondling themselves while looking at me, and now it's finally going to happen.

The Bloods members, which included Ricky Martin, Richard Simmons and John Travolta, had one of their greatest pee-pee touching sessions of all time. It was a magical evening. Meanwhile, in the dungeon of the Cripps' lair...

Masked Woman: All is going according to plan. I am pleased.

Peyton Manning: It's truly wonderful. You know what else is wonderful? The new Buick. It has voice-activation features for everything. If you don't know this, then you don't know Buick.

Josh McDaniels: Shut up, Peyton, you're not getting paid for this right now.

To McDaniels' bewilderment, a genie magically appeared out of nowhere and handed Manning a $10,000 bill. The genie then vanished into thin air.

Peyton Manning: You were saying, McDouche?

Josh McDaniels: You promised to call me McAwesome, remember!?

Peyton Manning: I was kidding. Relax. You are McAwesome because you are awesome.

Masked Woman: Silence, both of you! I can't handle this stupidity anymore.

Josh McDaniels: Even on a McAwesome night like this? Get it? McAwesome - because that's the nickname all the cool people like to call me.

Masked Woman: No, I don't get it, and I don't care. BUt yes, this is a terrific night. Soon the national media will catch on to my husband's gay antics and will scrutinize him for it. Everyone will hate him, and I will finally have my revenge!

Peyton Manning: Why do you hate your husband so much?

Gisele: That's for another time. But our mission is nearly complete.

Peyton Manning: I love it. You know what else I love? Gatorade. On nights like these when I'm working up a sweat, I need something to replenish my bodily fluids. Gatorade does that - and more.

A genie popped into the air and gave Manning another $10,000 bill.

Josh McDaniels: Hey genie, can I get a $10,000 bill? I can advertise anything you want me to.

Genie: F*** you, McDouche.

Josh McDaniels: My name's not McDouche! It's McAwesome, and every cool person knows it!

Genie: Sure, sure. Hey, Gisele, what haircut am I giving Brady next week?

Gisele: We're keeping it on Bieber for a while. Soon enough Brady's perversion will be known to all, and my life goal will finally be complete!


The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012





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