The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro…
Tom Brady: Coach Belichick, you summoned me?
Bill Belichick: Yes, I did, Tom. I- Wait, what the hell are you wearing on your head!?
Tom Brady: Well, I ran as President of the United States last year, and I won. That’s getting boring, so now I’m pretending to be a blonde version of Ronald McDonald with a creepy porno mustache!
Bill Belichick: Ugh, why God, why is my quarterback so weird!?
Tom Brady: Don’t you mean special? My mom says I’m special.
Bill Belichick: Oh, you’re special, all right. Tom, enough clowning around. I know you’re President of the United States now, but you’re also quarterback of the New England Patriots. We have to prepare for the season opener!
Tom Brady: No sweat, Coach! We always win our opener. I can game plan while talking on the phone to foreign leaders. I don’t listen to what they say anyway.
Bill Belichick: I- well, that’s worrying, but not surprising at all.
Tom Brady: So, we’re all good, Coach?
Bill Belichick: No! Did you look at our schedule!?
Tom Brady: No, I don’t have time for that. Coach, I’m the President of the United States, and I’m super important! Who are we playing? The Pittsburgh Steelers? The Denver Broncos? The New York Yankees?
Bill Belichick: Yankees? Ugh. No, Tom, we’re playing Russia!
Tom Brady: Russia? Isn’t that in Texas? No, wait, Oklahoma?
Bill Belichick: What? Aren’t you the President of the United States? It’s Russia, the country. They’re the new expansion team. Tom, I’m worried. I have no film on these guys. I tried to tape their practice, but some KGB agents shooed me away.
Tom Brady: It’s OK, Coach. Despite my costume, I’m fully prepared to defeat the country of Russia, wherever they might be from.
Bill Belichick: Good… I think…?
Tom Brady: Coach, I have five Super Bowl rings. We don’t need film. I can beat the Russians blindfolded. Hey, that gives me an idea for my next costume!
Bill Belichick: Tom, if you show up blindfolded, I swear to God that I will shave your stupid hair in your sleep!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. Last week, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, however…
Coach Vladimir Putin: Qvarterback, please to tell team run borscht play, or I kill you.
*** The Russians score a quick touchdown, going up 7-0. After the kickoff… ***
Coach Vladimir Putin: Defense guy, run Kremlin formation to take ball avay from Tom Blady, or I kill you.
*** The Russians get a pick-six of Tom Brady. The score becomes 14-0, and soon enough, the Russians are winning 56-0. The Patriots can’t do a damn thing. ***
Bill Belichick: What the hell is going on!? I’m stealing their signals, and none of it makes sense! What the hell is Borscht play? The damn thing is unstoppable! Kremlin play and Dostoevsky play are crushing our offense. Katleta play keeps getting our players injured!
Tom Brady: Coach!!! Coach!!!
Bill Belichick: And now it’s 63-0! They scored on Matryoshka play!!! Someone, find me some answers!!!
Tom Brady: Coach!!! Coach!!!
Bill Belichick: What the f*** is it, you pick-six machine!?!?!?
Tom Brady: Coach, my penis disappeared!
Bill Belichick: Yeah, I know, I’m emasculated as well. I don’t know how to…
Tom Brady: No, Coach, my penis is literally gone!
Bill Belichick: Tom, if this is one of your stupid haircut games, I don’t want to hear it right now. This is a blood bath. It’s now 70-0! Sooka play made us look like b****es.
Tom Brady: Coach, I swear! I’m being serious for the first time since my wife started forcing me to get dumb haircuts. My penis is gone!
Bill Belichick: Where the hell did it go?
Tom Brady: I don’t know! One minute it was here, the next it wasn’t!
Bill Belichick: Well, it’s 77-0 now, and your penis is gone. I’d say we’re both having s***ty days.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game. It has not returned, but that hasn’t stopped Brady from hitting up the dating scene.
Tom Brady: Hey ladies, I’m Tom Brady. Not only am I the quarterback of the Patriots, but I’m the President of the United States.
Skank No. 1: Aren’t you married to that model, Gazelle, or something?
Tom Brady: That’s Gisele, and no, in case you’re a new reader to the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts and have forgotten, we got divorced when she tried to ruin my career by making me get stupid haircuts, and then she tried to destroy the world with her creation, Peytom Branning.
Skank No. 2: Speaking of stupid haircuts, what is up with your pink hairdo? Like, ewww!!!
Tom Brady: That’s not my fault, I swear! I woke up like this!
Skank No. 3: What do you mean, you woke up like this? People don’t just wake up with new things, unless it’s red spots in your pubic-hair region like I get sometimes.
Tom Brady: Well, it all started on Sunday when we were playing the Russians, and my penis disappeared…
Skank No. 1: Your penis disappeared? Holy s**t, we have some bad STDs, but nothing as awful as that!
Tom Brady: It’s not an STD! I haven’t even had sex in years because I was pretending to be Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and the King of Mexico. It just vanished into thin air when we were playing the Russians.
Skank No. 2: Well, that’s too bad. We want a real man; not one with a missing penis. Come on, girls, we have some other dudes to bang who will give us more STDs!
*** The girls depart, and Tom Brady sits down at the table, completely dejected. A shadowy figure from the corner of the bar walks over to him, and begins whispering into his ear… ***
Shadowy Figure: I know where your penis went, Tom…
*** Tom Brady looks up at the figure’s face for the first time and immediately cowers in fright. The individual, resembling a scary clown, is so mortifiying that Brady shields his eyes and runs out of the bar. He sprints until he collapses into a garbage can, where he hides until morning. ***
Tom Brady: First, my penis is missing, and now scary clowns are trying to kill me. This is the worst year ever, and that includes the time I was stranded on a desert island!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he was scared by a terrifying clown at a bar, who claimed to know where his penis was. Now, it’s Week 2 of the 2017 season…
Bill Belichick: Great job with that drive, Tom. We’re up 10-0. The only thing you missed was when Rob was open down the seam on the fourth play of the drive.
Rob Gronkowski: COACH WHAT DO IT SEEM I DO ON THE DRIVE?
Bill Belichick: No, you were open down the seam.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT SEEM HE DO ON DRIVE. WHAT DO YOU SEEM THINK GRONK DO?
Bill Belichick: No, not S-E-E-M; I mean S-E-A-M.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK CONFUSE, WHY SEEM HAVE TWO DIFFERENT SPELLING?
Bill Belichick: They’re homonyms like dear and deer.
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK LIKE HUNT DEER.
Bill Belichick: Ugh, never mind. Hey Tom, I- wait- what just happened? You’re as tall as me now!
Tom Brady: What is going on here!? Why am I shrinking!?
Rob Gronkowski: HAHA GRONK REMIND OF ONE MOVIE HE LIKE CALL HONEY I SHRINK KIDS HAHAHAHAHA.
Bill Belichick: Rob, this is no laughing matter! Tom is now shorter than me!
Rob Gronkowski: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. TOM LITTLE BABY NOW HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
Bill Belichick: He’s now four feet tall! Someone make it stop!
Tom Brady: Coach, I can still play quarterback!
*** Brady takes the field on the next drive, which quickly ends when James Harrison steps on him and returns a loose ball for a strip-six. Soon enough, the Steelers are crushing the Patriots. ***
Bill Belichick: That’s it! Our season is over! We can’t stop f***ing Borscht play, my tight end is an imbecile, and my quarterback loses his penis and his height! We’re f***ed!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he was scared by a terrifying clown at a bar, who claimed to know where his penis was. Things only got worse for Brady when he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, and now he’s a child with a horrible haircut.
Erin Andrews: I’m here with Tom Brady doing a special interview for FOX Sports. Tom, thanks for joining me.
Tom Brady: Oh man, I’m so nervoussss!!!
Erin Andrews: Really? Why is that?
Tom Brady: Because you’re soooo hotttt!!!
Erin Andrews: Umm… thank you, though I feel like Suzy Kolber right now. Tom, let’s get down to business. Your team is 0-2 for the first time since you became a starter in the NFL. How are you going to respond?
Tom Brady: I have bigger issues right now, Erin! I’m getting younger by the minute, I’m getting horrible haircuts out of nowhere, my penis is umm, never mind, and I need a date for the prom. Will you go with me?
Erin Andrews: Prom? Umm… no, I’m a little too old for that. But let’s get to something you just mentioned. We’ve heard rumors that your penis has vanished. What do you have to say about that speculation?
Tom Brady: That’s stupid! I’ll show you to prove it! But you have to close your eyes when I take down my pants!
Erin Andrews: And now I feel like Jen Sterger. Moving on, Tom, critics say you should be impeached because you’re no longer old enough to be President of the United States. How would you respond to that?
Tom Brady: They’re losers, I don’t care. Will you please go out with me? I want you to be my girlfriend. Will you be my girlfriend?
Tom Brady’s Mom: Thomas, time to come in for supper!
Tom Brady: Ugh, come on, mom! I’m talking to my girlfriend Erin Andrews!
Erin Andrews: I’m not-
Tom Brady’s Mom: Thomas, you’re too young to have a girlfriend! Come, boo-bee, I made your favorite, macaroni and cheese, but if you don’t stop talking to this girl who is trying to steal you from me, you will have to eat cabbage for dinner instead!
Tom Brady: Ugh, fine, mom! I’m sorry, Erin Andrews, you can’t be my girlfriend anymore!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he was scared by a terrifying clown at a bar, who claimed to know where his penis was. Things only got worse for Brady when he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, and now he’s Jonathan Taylor Tom Brady.
Tim Allen: Sit down, son, I have an important life lesson to teach you.
Tom Brady: What is it, dad?
Tim Allen: This is very important. I want you to listen closely.
Tom Brady: Come on, already, dad, I don’t have much time because I’m Jonathan Taylor Tom Brady, and all the teenage girls love me.
Tim Allen: HWA HWA HWA HWA HWA HWA
Tom Brady: Ugh, dad, I don’t have time for your nonsensical grunts.
Tim Allen: HUUUUUUHHH?
Tom Brady: A 13-year-old girl is calling me, dad. This is the 511th one today, but can I answer my phone? I’m Jonathan Taylor Tom Brady and I have to flirt with all the teenage girls.
Tim Allen: HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
Tom Brady: Ugh, come on, dad.
Tim Allen: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
Tom Brady: What is this, the Flintstones?
*** Real studio audience laughs lovingly at Jonathan Taylor Tom Brady. ***
Tim Allen: HWA HWA HWA HWA HWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
Al Borland: Hey, it’s me, Al Borland, and I’m going to take credit for everything Tim Allen’s character just did!
*** Fake studio audience laughs lovingly at Al Borland. ***
Tim Allen: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…
Tom Brady: Use your words, dad. Use your words.
Tim Allen: OK, fine, I vote republican becau…
ABC Executive: SHOW’S CANCELED! SHOW’S CANCELED! YOU MIGHT GET HIGH RATINGS, BUT WE CAN’T HAVE THESE SORT OF POLITICAL VIEWS ASSOCIATED WITH ABC!!!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he was scared by a terrifying clown at a bar, who claimed to know where his penis was. Things only got worse for Brady when he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, and now he has disappeared. ESPN is reporting the news…
Danny Kanell: This is tough. As a former quarterback, I’ve always looked up to Tom Brady. First, his penis vanished. Then, he was getting smaller. Now, he’s completely gone. To commemorate Tom Brady, I’ve decided to dress exactly like him live on the air. I’m just so grateful that I have a job with ESPN right now, which is allowing me to show how much I love Tom Brady. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I’m whacking off to myself in the mirror wearing Tom Brady’s outfit.
Jay Crawford: That’s right, Danny. As a fellow ESPN anchor, I can tell you that it is an honor and a privilege to be able to share my thoughts on Tom Brady on the air. My brain may have melted from being on First Take, but nothing beats being on ESPN right now.
Danny Kanell: Well said, Jay. Let’s kick it out to Ed Werder. Ed?
Ed Werder: I’m standing here live, right inside Jerry Jones’ a**hole, and I can tell you by the way his sphincter feels, he’s quite upset about Tom Brady disappearing.
Jay Crawford: Great reporting, Ed. And now we’re joined live, in studio, by Bill Simmons, the ultimate Boston sports guy. Bill, how do you feel about Tom Brady being gone?
Bill Simmons: I parlayed Hillary Clinton winning the U.S. election with Josephine being the first person to be booted off Road Rules Warrior Survivor Road Survivor Warrior Road Ultimate Road Warrior Survivor Season 6, and then I parlayed Tom Brady not losing his penis or vanishing with Chris Berman making corny jokes, and now I’m broke! Mar-a-lago! Larry Bird! Hillary 2020!
Danny Kanell: Well, at least you still have a job with ESPN, just like me. Now, let’s go out to Brit McHenry, who is interviewing someone. Brit?
Brit McHenry: I’m here with the dumbest person in America, this parking lot attendant! This parking lot attendant won’t let me park here for free! Who does she think she is!? I’m Brit McHenry! I’m beautiful, and I have a great job at ESPN! How dare anyone stand in my way!?
Jay Crawford: Thanks, Brit. Now joined by Mark May. What are your thoughts, Mark?
Mark May: My thoughts are that I’m smarter than every single person in this room, especially that dingus Lou Holtz, and I can prove it using quadratic equations and this map of the southern hemisphere, that I conveniently have here in my pocket. But before I do this, let me tell you how much of a pleasure it is to be working for ESPN.
Danny Kanell: Couldn’t agree more, Mark. Unfortunately, we’re out of time. This tiny studio we rented out to have a fake ESPN broadcast has a 10-minute time limit, so we have to go. Until next time, I’m Danny, he’s Jay, and we’re great ESPN workers.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he was scared by a terrifying clown at a bar, who claimed to know where his penis was. Things only got worse for Brady when he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, and he disappeared. That’s because he’s a baby, as seen here where he’s being walked by a robotic form of himself.
Robot Tom Brady: I am Tom Brady 2.0. Beep! Walking my baby self down the street with a dog. Beep! My baby self keeps getting younger and will soon vanish from existence. Beep! Is that not right, Tom Brady 1.0? Beep!
Baby Tom Brady: Goo-goo-ga-ga!
Robot Tom Brady: Tom Brady 2.0 does not understand the meaning of these words. Beep! Please repeat your statement, Tom Brady 1.0. Beep!
Baby Tom Brady: Ga ga! Goo! Oooohhh!
Robot Tom Brady: Tom Brady 2.0 does not understand the meaning of these words. Beep! Please repeat your statement, Tom Brady 1.0. Beep!
*** This continues for 30 minutes until Robot Tom Brady spots someone peculiar in the shadows. ***
Robot Tom Brady: Shadowy figure, please state your name. Beep! I may eventually be replaced by Tom Brady 3.0, but I do have a machine gun in my stomach to protect myself and Tom Brady 1.0. Beep!
*** The figure steps out of the shadows, and it’s the scary clown from the bar that the real Tom Brady saw earlier in the year. ***
Robot Tom Brady: Scary clown, please state your name. Beep!
Scary Clown: I’m Kathy Griffin.
Robot Tom Brady: Kathy Griffin, you resemble a scary clown. Beep! And robots are afraid of scary clowns. Beep! Please vacate the premises. Beep!
Kathy Griffin: Wait, please hear me out first. I know how to reverse Tom Brady’s aging process, and I know how he can retrieve his penis!
Robot Tom Brady: Please explain. Beep!
Kathy Griffin: Tom has multiple personalities in him, and one of them has been corrupted. He must rid himself of one of these personalities, and then he will regrow, and he’ll eventually find his penis!
Robot Tom Brady: Which personality must he get rid of, Kathy Griffin? Beep!
Kathy Griffin: What do you think? Looked at the severed head I’m holding! Baby Brady must release this Donald Trump personality and have it visit the man who stole his penis.
Robot Tom Brady: And who would that be, Kathy Griffin? Beep!
Kathy Griffin: Bill Belichick.
Robot Tom Brady: What a twist in the story. Beep! You have been most helpful, Kathy Griffin. Beep! Now have a taste of my machine gun, for I must rid this world of scary clowns. Beep!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, and he became a baby before Kathy Griffin told him that he has to get rid of his Trump persona by sending it to the man who stole his penis, Bill Belichick.
Rob Gronkowski: COACH HOW WE GONNA WINNED FOOTBALL GAME WITH NO TOM GUY WHO THROW BALL!?
Bill Belichick: I don’t know, Robert, I don’t… oh, look, it’s Donald Trump!
Donald Trump: Hello there, Coach Belichick. It’s totally great to meet you here.
Rob Gronkowski: HAHA GUY HAVE SQUIRREL ON HIS HEAD HAHA.
Bill Belichick: Robert, don’t you know who this is? Go fetch me some water. Donald Trump, it’s an honor to be in your presence. I thought you were just a figment of Tom Brady’s imagination, but here you are, in the flesh.
Donald Trump: Me being a persona of Tom Brady was typical media propoaganda. It was fake news. No, scratch that. It was very fake news. Totally very fake news.
Bill Belichick: Well, I’m glad to hear it. Those media bastards will get what’s coming to them one day.
Donald Trump: There will be karma. Bigly karma. Totally bigly karma. Because they are losers. The fake news media … are losers. The very fake news media … are losers. Hillary Clinton … is a loser.
Bill Belichick: I couldn’t agree more, Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: I am totally glad that you agree with me, Coach Belichick. Totally glad you agree. Let’s seal it with a kiss.
Bill Belichick: A kiss?
Donald Trump: A gentlemen’s kiss. One that the fake news media will see and report that we are trying to destroy America together. One that the fake news media – sorry, the very fake news media – will totally blow out of proportion and say we’re trying to destroy the environment together. Well, I have a message for the very fake news media. I will kiss Coach Belichick, and it’ll be a bigly step in the right direction for saving this great country.
Bill Belichick: You had me at “hello,” Mr. Trump.
*** The two kiss, and Bill Belichick suddenly begins to feel funny. He looks at Donald Trump, and it’s really Tom Brady, who is fully grown once again. ***
Bill Belichick: Tom! What is this meaning of this? What’s happening to me!?
Tom Brady: I’ve rid myself of the Donald Trump persona, which was corrupting me. Kissing you sealed the deal, and I put truth serum on my lips, so now you’re going to tell me where my penis is because I know you stole it!
Bill Belichick: How do you know all of this?
Tom Brady: Answer the question, Coach!
Bill Belichick: OK, well, seeing as how you fed me truth serum, I suppose I don’t have a choice. But you might want to sit down for this.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this.
Vladimir Putin: My plan nearly complete, so I go ride on loshadka. Look me, I vear Tom Blady jersey after I beat England Patriot 210-0. I greatest head coach on NFL history. No von can stop Borscht play.
Mikhail Prokhorov: Thank you for invite me to ranch. I terrible basketball owner, you must tell me how you make so good on NFL?
Vladimir Putin: I tell you, but you no tell anybody. You tell somebody, I kill you. Russia team unstoppable on NFL because I make hack on NFL.
Mikhail Prokhorov: Oho! First you make hack on election, now you make hack on NFL! You genius, President Putin.
Vladimir Putin: My great hacker finally get 56K modem so zey log into American Online, and zey hack a lot. Zey hack election, zey tell me, and now zey hacking NFL. But not just NFL. Zey hack Tom Blady!
Mikhail Prokhorov: How zey hack person? I vant to hack Jay-Z because he make ugly Nets logo. Who vant black-and-vhite logo? Pakast!
Vladimir Putin: I tell Bill Belichickov, you must get Tom Blady penis, give me. Zen, I eat. Now, I become like Tom Blady, closer each day.
Mikhail Prokhorov: How you get Belichickov to steal penis?
Vladimir Putin: I make hack. I go to Belichickov and say if you don’t give me Tom Brady penis, I kill you. He say no. Zhen, I bring Ivan Drago, and he make hack. He make punch, and zhen Belichickov still no agree, so he give him mind-control borscht. See? I make hack.
Mikhail Prokhorov: Ivan Drago give borscht? Vhy he have borscht?
Vladimir Putin: I make Ivan Drago prime minister of borscht. He zhen go to hacker and tell zem to put mind control in borscht, or he kill zem. So, zhey do.
Mikhail Prokhorov: You genius, President Putin.
Vladimir Putin: Oho, you do even know half it! But soon you vill know!
Mikhail Prokhorov: Vhat do you mean, President Putin?
Vladimir Putin: Remember ve buy borscht popsicle before ve go for ride on loshadka? Zis have mind control, and now you going to sell me Brooklyn Net for von ruble, which vorse .22 cent in America money! I say, if you no do, I gonna kill you, but you mind control, so you have no choice. I make hack again!
Mikhail Prokhorov: Oh no! I lose Net basketball cloob!
Vladimir Putin: Yes, and soon, I going to make sexy time vis Beyonce! I going to hack Jay-Z and he going to force vife to have sexy time vis me, and she going to do it because she think I Tom Blady! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this as a result of being mind controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is threatening to hack the NFL.
Tom Brady: Take that! And that! Haha, I will get my penis back soon, you heard!
Bill Belichick: Tom, what the hell are you doing? I told you that Vladimir Putin is responsible for stealing your penis; not some teddy bear.
Tom Brady: Exactly! This is a bear. Russians are sometimes called Russian bears, so I thought I’d beat this guy up until he told me something.
Bill Belichick: Tom, you can’t be serious…
Tom Brady: I’m as serious as a sneaky river snail! Take that, you Russian bear! And that! Now, I’m going to choke you until you tell me how I can defeat Vladimir Putin!
Bill Belichick: Tom, you’re embarrassing yourself. And besides, there’s no way to defeat Putin. Didn’t you see how unstoppable Borscht play was? How can we possibly defeat him after they crushed us 210-0!?
Tom Brady: He’ll tell us! Come on, stupid bear! Tell us how we can defeat Vladimir Putin!
Russian Bear: Fine, fine, fine!!! Enough already! Stop squeezing my stomach like a crazed lunatic!
Bill Belichick: What!? It can talk? How is this possible!?
Tom Brady: I told you, Coach! Now talk, Russian bear!
Russian Bear: By stealing your penis, Tom Brady, President Putin has hacked you. He plans on hacking the entire NFL so that he can have sex with Beyonce, and once that happens, he’ll take over the entire world!
Bill Belichick: What does having sex with Beyonce have to do with taking over the world?
Russian Bear: Think about it. Jay-Z married Beyonce and became a part owner of an NBA team. If a talentless hack like Jay-Z can be an NBA owner with Beyonce, imagine what’ll happen if President Putin gets her.
Bill Belichick: Good God…
Tom Brady: How do I stop him and get back my penis!?
Russian Bear: Stop him? Ha! Who said anything about stopping him!? Our savior President Putin will succeed in taking over the world, and then he’ll be able to hack everyone! He’ll steal every man’s penis, so only he can have sex with every woman on the planet! Muhahahahaha!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this as a result of being mind controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is threatening to hack the NFL. Belichick has snapped out of it, and now he’s helping Brady defeat Putin.
Bill Belichick: You need to build up your strength if you want to defeat Vladimir Putin, Tom. So, I’ve brought in a boxing partner for you, another guy you’d love to beat up!
Peyton Manning: Hi, I’m Peyton Manning, and this boxing practice is brought to you buy Skittles. Skittles, taste the rainbow.
Tom Brady: You! How do you have so many endorsement deals when I have three more Super Bowl rings than you do!?
Peyton Manning: I’m not sure how I can answer that, Tom. This response was brought to you by General Electric. General Electric, we bring good things to life.
Tom Brady: Arrrgghhhh, I’m going to punch you now! PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!
Peyton Manning: These bodily blows I’m taking are brought to you by Aveeno. Aveeno, now, blemish-free skin doesn’t have to mean dry skin.
Tom Brady: JAB! JAB! TIGER UPPERCUT! HADOKEN!
Peyton Manning: I’m so low on life that you’ll have to finish me. This “finish him” is brought to you by Cisco. Cisco, tomorrow starts here.
*** Brady finishes Manning, and Belichick congratulates him on a job well done. The two hit the showers together, where they playfully whip each other with towels. Manning, meanwhile, gets up and wanders toward a shadowy corner.
Voice in Darkness: That looked painful. Are you hurt?
Peyton Manning: No, I wasn’t completely knocked out because he tried to do something from Mortal Kombat when we were fighting in Street Fighter tactics. This self-diagnosis is brought to you by Jiffy Lube. Jiffy Lube, leave worry behind.
Voice in Darkness: Good, and thank you for the Tom Brady DNA that you obtained from him during the fight. We will give this to President Putin, and he will use it during phase two of his hacking plan!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this as a result of being mind controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is threatening to hack the NFL. Belichick has snapped out of it, and now he’s helping Brady defeat Putin. Brady has improved his strength, but now he’ll need to improve his mental prowess to take on President Putin.
Tom Brady: Excuse me, President Obama, I have an important question to ask you!
Barack Obama: Now, just one minute now. I-I-I-I-I need to ask Donovan McNabb something. Donovan, who do you think will win the 2018 NCAA Basketball Final Four Tournament?
Donovan McNabb: Maybe Syracuse State? I don’t know, I haven’t been able to think straight since Terrell Owens hurt my feelings…
Tom Brady: President Obama, please, time is running out! I need some advice very quickly!
Barack Obama: Not now, Tom. I-I-I-I-I need to ask some more important questions. Donovan, who do you think will win the 2018 NCAA Basketball Final Four Tournament?
Donovan McNabb: I, wait, didn’t I already answer this question?
Obama Aide: Sorry, folks, President Obama’s teleprompter was malfunctioning. Go ahead, Mr. President, sir.
Barack Obama: Donovan, who do you think will win the 2019 NCAA Basketball Final Four Tournament?
Tom Brady: President Obama! I need answers to defeat Vladimir Putin!
Barack Obama: Oh, why-why-why-why-why didn’t you say so? What do you need, Tom?
Tom Brady: President Obama, you were able to swiftly bankrupt the United States. How do I utilize your same tactics? I would love to cut off funding from Russia.
Barack Obama: Here-here-here-here-here’s what I would do, Tom. I would call President Putin racist, and that will do the trick.
Tom Brady: Racist? How has he been racist?
Barack Obama: It-it-it-it-it doesn’t matter, Tom. If you call someone racist, that’s it. They’re done. You don’t even need a reason. Blind accusations are the norm nowadays. Watch this: Tom Brady, you are racist!
*** Tom Brady instantly loses half of his endorsement deals by being called a racist even though it was never proven or looked into. ***
Tom Brady: How… how did that possibly work?
Barack Obama: I-I-I-I-I don’t know, it always works for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to asking Donovan McNabb who will win the 2018 NCAA Basketball Final Four Tournament and the 2019 NCAA Basketball Final Four Tournament.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this as a result of being mind controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is threatening to hack the NFL. Belichick has snapped out of it, and now he’s helping Brady defeat Putin. Brady has improved his strength and his mental prowess with some advice from Barack Obama.
Vladimir Putin: My transportation nearly complete. Soon, I vill-
Putin Aide: I think you mean “transformation,” sir.
Vladimir Putin: If you correct me for grammaticals again, I kill you.
Putin Aide: I think you mean “grammar,” sir.
*** Vladimir Putin kills Putin Aide
Vladimir Putin: Who next on line? You, my transportation nearly complete!
Putin Aide 2: It’s been a hell of a transportation, sir.
Vladimir Putin: Yes, and now I vill have sexual vis Beyonce. Bring her here at vonce!
*** Putin Aide 2 brings Beyonce to him. Jay-Z bursts into the room.
Jay-Z: You can’t violate my beautiful bride, Putin! Don’t you know who I am? I’m Jay-Z! I make great music that I steal from retired artists, and I even come up with amazing names for my babies!
Vladimir Putin: You nobody, Jay-T! I make hack on you, and now you no can steal music from people for you make, and you no can make creative name for baby!
Jay-Z: Yeah, well, check this beat out. I… uhh… my brain is frozen! Ahhhh! What’s happening!? I can’t steal music from anyone anymore! OK, OK, OK, I can think of a creative baby name. How’s John? No, that’s boring! Michael! Jane! Joseph! Ahhhh! I can’t be creative anymore! Mary! Kelly! Steve! What is happening to me!?
Vladimir Putin: Zis zee power of Mother Russia vhen ve finally get 56K modem and can make hack! I hack everybody, hahaha! Now come, my sveet Beyonce, and make a sexy time vis Preisdent Putin!
Tom Brady: Stop it right there, Putin! I’ve come here to end your hacking terrorism!
Vladimir Putin: Tom Blady show up. Ho, ho, ho, just on time! Now you going to vatch me make sexy time vis Beyonce, and zen every ozzer vooman on vorld!
Tom Brady: Not if I can help it. Vladimir Putin, you, sir, are a racist!
*** Vladimir Putin instantly loses half of his endorsement deals by being called a racist even though it was never proven or looked into.
Vladimir Putin: No, I lose commercial! Zis mean my shields down!
Tom Brady: Putin, I would beat you up right here, right now, but that would mean my head coach would never get revenge for his 210-0 loss, and he would never let that go. Let’s do a rematch! Sunday night! If you win, I’ll leave you alone, and you can bang anyone you want. If I win, you stop this hacking nonsense!
Vladimir Putin: You have deal. Ve gonna vin even vizzout hack!
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. This year, he was called into Bill Belichick’s office because Belichick was concerned that he couldn’t spy on his Week 1 opponent, the Russians, the NFL’s new expansion team. Brady showed no concern about having to face the Russians, but the Patriots lost 210-0. Making matters worse, Brady’s penis vanished during the game, and then he shrank in a Week 2 loss to the Steelers. Brady continued to grow smaller, but discovered that Belichick was the one responsible for this as a result of being mind controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is threatening to hack the NFL. Belichick has snapped out of it, and he helped Brady bring down Putin’s shields. Now, the Patriots and Russians will have a rematch to decide whether or not Putin can keep hacking or not.
Bill Belichick: Finally, the rematch against the Russians, and we’re on defense first. Tom, what do you think? Do we stand a chance, or are we going to lose 210-0 again?
Tom Brady: We got this, Coach. Don’t worry about it!
Bill Belichick: Don’t worry? Don’t worry!? The Russians are all I’ve been worrying about! No one will think I’m a great coach anymore if I keep losing to the Russians by 210 points! I’ve lost all confidence, Tom!
Tom Brady: I’ll take care of this, Coach! And something tells me that without Putin’s hacking ability, his offense won’t be as successful this time!
Coach Vladimir Putin: Qvarterback, please to tell team run Borscht play, or I kill you.
*** The Russians run Borscht play, which, without the hack, is revealed to be a fullback dive. Their fullback fumbles the ball, which is recovered by the Patriots and run back for a defensive touchdown… ***
Coach Vladimir Putin: Vhat happen!? Vhy famous Borscht play no vork!? Now ve try Katleta play to get player injure!
*** The Russians run Katleta play, which, without the hack, is revealed to be a quarterback sneak on first-and-10. The ball is fumbled and returned for six once more. ***
Coach Vladimir Putin: Zis no vorking! Make new plan! Ve going to do Matryoshka play!
*** The Russians run Matryoshka play, which, without the hack, is revealed to be a fake punt on second down. There is once again a fumble that is returned for a touchdown. ***
Bill Belichick: We’re up 21-0! Yes! My confidence is coming back!
Tom Brady: I told you, Coach!
Coach Vladimir Putin: Sooka play! Try Sooka play!
*** The Russians run Sooka play, which, without the hack, is revealed to be a play in which the quarterback, acting like a b***h, simply gives the ball to the other team. This time, the Russians tackle the Patriots, and Tom Brady finally gets to take the field. ***
Coach Vladimir Putin: Defense guy, run Kremlin formation to take ball avay from Tom Blady, or I kill you. Zis our only hope!
*** The Russians run Kremlin play, which, without the hack, is revealed to be a field goal defense formation even though the Patriots plan to pass. Brady hits Danny Amendola for a quick touchdown to go up 28-0. ***
Coach Vladimir Putin: Zis no vorking! I going to escape so I can hack again!
*** Vladimir Putin hops onto a broomstick and attempts to fly away. Tom Brady hops on his own broomstick, and because he’s a natural on a broomstick, he quickly catches up to Putin.
Tom Brady: JAB! JAB! TIGER UPPERCUT! HADOKEN!
*** Putin falls off his broom, and he tries to run into the bushes.
Tom Brady: Vladimir Putin, you, sir, are a major racist!
*** Vladimir Putin loses the rest of his endorsement deals by being called a major racist even though it was never proven or looked into. His hacking ability has completely vanished.
Vladimir Putin: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY PLAN IZ RUIN!!!
Tom Brady: I think you mean “is ruined.” And that’s for Russian Aide, you racist!
Tom Brady has finally defeated Vladimir Putin! The Russian president attempted to hack him and the rest of the NFL so he could have sex with every woman on the planet, but Brady thwarted his plans. Brady met with his team to celebrate.
Bill Belichick: We did it! We overcame the Russians and beat them 210-0! And it’s… Tom, what is that on your head?
Tom Brady: It’s a mushroom cut! Do you like it?
Bill Belichick: I, well, I don’t even care anymore. Sure, that hairstyle was popular in 1993, but it’s fine. I don’t care what hairstyles you have now because we beat the Russians!
Rob Gronkowski: GRONK NO UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYBODY HAPPY.
Tom Brady: We did it, Gronk. We overcame the Russian hack, and all the women, particularly Beyonce, are safe.
Jay-Z: Thank you for saving my wife, Thomas. In honor of this, I shall use my creative brain to rename you. I was saving this for my next son, but I shall call you Sargeant Applebottom. What do you think? Don’t you love how creative I am?
Tom Brady: I love it. Come, everyone, let’s celebrate tonight. But first, I need to get something from my room.
The throng rushes off to the bar, while Brady takes a shortcut home. Meanwhile, two people whisper in the bushes…
Voice in Darkness: Part two of the hack is about to be complete. Tom fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Peyton Manning: This quiet conversation in the bushes is brought to you by L’Oreal. Because you’re worth it.
Voice in Darkness: Ugh, so annoying. Can you please stop advertising? I’m the only one who can hear you.
Peyton Manning: This true statement is brought to you by MasterCard. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Mastercard.
Voice in Darkness: Peyton Manning, you’re racist!
Peyton Manning: I have protection from anti-advertisement attacks. This immunity is brought to you by BMW. The ultimate driving machine.
Voice in Darkness: There he goes! Our plan is finally complete!
*** Tom Brady finds a strange red curtain in the woods. He hesitates to go through, but he spots a sign that reads, “President Putin’s Secret Revenge Lair.” Brady steps through, determined to catch Putin and end him for good. Hours later, back at Brady’s house… ***
Bill Belichick: Tom, you’re here! Why didn’t you show up to the bar? Why are you in bed?
Jay-Z: Where were you, Tom? Or should I say, where were you, Sargeant Applebottom?
Rob Gronkowski: I DANCE ALL NIGHT ESPECIALLY WITH GIRL, HER NAME BOUNCEY, SHE REAL PRETTY HAHA.
Jay-Z: That’s Beyonce, my wife, you fool. And you stepped on her foot!
Tom Brady: Sorry, guys, I was feeling a bit sick. Beyonce… how’s Beyonce?
Jay-Z: She’s fine, Sargeant Applebottom. She’s in the hospital. Just a broken ankle.
Rob Gronkowski: TOM, HOSPITAL BIG BUILDING WITH DOCTOR AND NURSE. GRONK HAVE SEX WITH NURSE. AND DOCTOR.
Tom Brady: That’s great, Bob. I need to brush my teeth.
*** Tom Brady goes to the bathroom and begins squeezing toothpaste out onto the sink. He then smashes his head against the mirror. As blood gushes down his face, he laughs, and we can see now, through the mirror, that this is not really Tom Brady. ***
Tom Brady: How’s Beyonce? How’s Beyonce? How’s Beyonce!? Hahahahaha. How’s Beyonce!? How’s Beyonce!? Hahahahahaha. How’s Beyonce!? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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