I’ve been getting lots of weird messages on Facebook lately. Weird a**holes using pictures of hot chicks have added me as friends recently. They’ve sent countless messages to me, saying that they want to meet me and love me, and whatever. This is obviously a scam, so let’s f*** with them!
Here’s one example. This girl is apparently named Carol Dave. This is what “she” looks like:
Looks hot, but too bad she’s not real. But anyway, what the hell kind of a last name is Dave? And I wonder if I can convince her to name our kids Dave Dave? First things first…
I wonder if she’ll fall for a sadistic prick like Ramsay Bolton. I hope she responds, since this exchange seems like it could be a lot of fun.
I was glad to see Carol Dave message me back…
I have no idea what she’s talking about in terms of clients in West Africa, and I’m beginning to wonder if she’d be hesitant to get married to me because she’d have to move to a much colder climate.
I noticed that Carol Dave saw my message but didn’t respond for a couple of days. I thought I lost “her,” but then saw that she replied one morning:
This almost has to be the last time she contacts me, right? I flat out said that I stabbed my dad and fed my younger brother to the hounds! How can anyone continue talking to me after hearing that!?
Apparently, I was wrong. Saying that I stabbed my father and fed my baby brother to the hounds wasn’t enough to keep Carol Dave away because “she” replied to me:
Hmm… mentioning an ex-boyfriend presents a golden opportunity to continue my Ramsay Bolton strategy:
The only way this can possibly backfire if she actually takes me up on that offer and forces me to do all of those things to her ex.
OK, so it’s apparent that Carol Dave is not actually reading my replies; otherwise, “she” would have been too weirded out already:
WTF is Carol Dave saying? First of all, she didn’t send me an e-mail; she sent me a Facebook message. And second, twin-soul? What the hell is that?
Let’s push the envelope…
All right, if “she” actually answers this, then we’ll know for sure that “she” isn’t reading this at all.
OK, so it’s now clear that Carol Dave doesn’t read my replies. It doesn’t matter to “her” that I killed my father and baby brother, so I’m going to keep making my responses worse and worse. Here’s our latest exchange, where I tell her that I’m basically going to burn and rape her:
There it is. That’s how Ramsay Bolton keeps his “wits about him,” whatever the hell that means.
Hey, guess what? Carol Dave is now asking for money. What a surprise! Take a look:
I didn’t get to answer for 24 hours, so naturally, the person pretending to be Carol Dave sent a couple more messages:
People ask me why I reply to these spammers, and this is a perfect example why. These spammers are absolutely evil. Whoever is pretending to be Carol Dave is banking on taking advantage of someone else’s pity in order to steal money from them. It’s disgusting, really, as there are individuals out there who are gullible and believe this (otherwise, this would not be a thing). If I ever happened to meet one of these spammers, I would take a real sword I have and slice off their head. I’m not joking.
Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I can waste their time, though, which might keep someone gullible from being taken advantage of:
I would actually pay someone to send a real-life raven to whatever location she gives me. I think I’d attach a couple of $100 in Monopoly money to it.
Carol Dave has now sent me details on where to send the payment, once again failing to read my message.
OK, I’m going to make sure “she” actually reads it this time by asking “her” something specific before I actually send my raven:
Carol Dave has to read this response, right? To make sure I actually send “her” the money? I wonder if she’ll agree to rape and flay with me!
Unfortunately, Carol Dave didn’t read my message. “She” included a picture of “her” crying – I wonder how long it took “her” to find that picture on Google? – and then “she” even started to threaten me in her final message, which is just bizarre:
For someone who allegedly needs help, “she” is awfully quick to start posting threats. Ridiculous. Anyway, I’m going to try one more time:
I finally got Carol Dave to read my messages. And she sent me a pretty picture to boot:
She will flight my enemies with me? What the hell does that mean? Westeros doesn’t have airplanes!
As you can see, I’m requesting that she do more than “flight” with me. Let’s see what Carol Dave says now that my messages are being read.
I received an e-mail from a pretty woman named Rabu:
Here’s a close-up of her picture, in case you’re interested:
The woman in this picture is hot, for sure, but don’t you think that this is weird? Why is someone taking a picture of her pumping gas? Is this the first time she’s doing it? Actually, what I really think is happening is that a weirdo spammer – the same dude who e-mailed me, posing as Rabu – went up to random women at a gas station and asked to take their pictures for something, which he could then use in his spamming ventures. If I’m right, that’s super creepy, and I’m saying this as a creepy dude myself!
Anyway, I had to response and claim to be a man who is known for being a cheater:
I think every single man would love to be Don Draper, and now, I’ll have that opportunity!
Rabu apparently has never heard of Mad Men because “she” responded to me. I answered as well:
I like how I matched her weird pictures with two of my own. A normal person might realize that no real person gets photos like that taken of them, so I suppose we’ll discover Rabu’s intelligence level soon. Also, I’m looking forward to seeing if “she” has other pictures, as it’ll confirm my gas station theory if she doesn’t.
Holy hell, I was wrong. Rabu indeed has more pictures of “herself,” as she proved in the following e-mail:
Again, here are the close-ups if you’re a horny dude like myself:
Hold on. I think I just suffered a minor heart attack looking at the picture on the left again. No, I’m OK. I think.
Nevertheless, this is interesting. I HIGHLY doubt the person e-mailing me is the girl in these pictures, and they may have stolen them off the Internet. Still, if they didn’t, where did they get these? That’s something I’m going to be wondering for the rest of my life.
I have to respond:
Yes, synagogue camping, the Jewish version of church camping.
I wonder if the prospect of being in a Super Bowl commercial (for CVS nasal gel) will scare this spammer away…
Natuabu – apparently, I began calling her this, forgetting that she referred herself as “Rabu” – replied to me and said I hadn’t responded to her, even though I did:
She asked me to add her on Google Hangouts, which I’ve always wanted to do with spammers, but felt nervous about it. Would it actually be her? Would they find a way to hack my camera in some way? I’d like to find out, but there’s major risk.
Instead, I simply replied to her, pressing her on the commercial…
She replied rather quickly, and she actually sounded interested in this CVS Nasal Gel commercial:
I have to teach her a “little bite?” Sounds kinky! Here’s what I wrote back:
Yes, I just came up with that on the fly. If you’re in charge of hiring people at a marketing firm, you can hire me and my great ideas by shooting over an e-mail to me. My e-mail address is located at the bottom of this page, thanks.
I had some more exchanges with Natuabu…
She e-mailed me back, as you’ll see, and I was busy, so I didn’t answer her for a couple of days. This prompted another e-mail:
Wow, can I have some space, please? This is how you can tell that she’s not real. No chick who looks like this…
Would ever act that desperate, especially in e-mail exchanges.
Also, “I have bean waiting?” I suppose she has a British accent, then? If so, why does that translate to her typing?
I was able to provide an explanation for the tardiness of my e-mail:
So true about those teeth, ugh.
Here are some more exchanges with Natuabu:
Ah, so there’s the end game. Natuabu wants me to send her a payment so she can get my financial information. Time to mess around with her some more!
Ah, it’s so amusing that this scumbag thinks I’m going to send money to them. I am going to have a blast screwing with this a**hole!
Natuabu provided me with her address:
How do I respond to that? Well, might as well provide her with my address!
This is an actual advertising agency in Ghana! I looked it up. That means that this Natuabu person is going to have to show up there and ask for either Roger Sterling or Pete Campbell in order to collect her money! How awesome is that? My only regret is that I won’t be there to see it happen.
Did Natuabu go to the Ghana advertising agency? Well, not yet. She showed some trepidation…
She replied, and I had to convince her further…
I don’t know if telling her that I had to remove a corpse would help the situation, but perhaps the extra $750 will…?
She did it! She went to the Ghana advertising agency and asked for Roger Sterling! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh man. Ugh, why couldn’t I have been there to see it?
Here’s my response:
Can I get her to go back? That would be amazing.
Natuabu didn’t go back to the Ghana agency, but she did say that she asked for Pete Campbell:
Hmm… I wonder why people were thinking of “something bad” about you there. Maybe because you’re a scumbag spammer?
My reply:
I wonder if talking about the suitcase episode will strike as odd, but probably not because this person is an idiot. An angry idiot, as you can tell by her reply:
“All this going staffs?” What the hell does that mean? I’ve been trying to figure that out for days, but I can’t come up with a translation for it. Staffs? Is she some sort of wizard?
Here’s my attempt to calm her down:
Now, she can meet with a fictional Mad Man character on her own terms. Will she do it!?
Unfortunately, Natuabu hasn’t responded to me yet. I am, however, working on a new spammer named Favour Lumor. She’s also a hot woman, so I’m hoping she can do me a “favour.” Giggity.
Here’s her e-mail:
Yes, I can give you close-ups of her pictures:
Wow, all of these beautiful women are e-mailing me all the time. I must be some sort of Internet stud! That’s one hell of a profile I have on… umm… what was that site again?
Here’s my reply to Favour:
Hopefully Favour has never heard of Joe Mixon so I can mess around with “her!”
Favour apparently has never heard of Joe Mixon because “she” e-mailed me back and asked to talk via Web cam.
Again, I’m tempted to talk to these people on Hangouts because I want to see if it’s actually the girl talking to me. If anyone has received similar e-mails and has been daring enough to talk via Web cam, can you let me know how it went?
Anyway, here’s the response:
I think you guys can see where this is going. I wonder how high Favour’s tolerance is to domestic violence…
Favour, unfortunately, hasn’t been as talkative as Natuabu:
I thought that would be the end of it, but Favour replied once more:
Uh oh! Joe Mixon is angry! Surely, Favour can’t respond to me now, right?
Favour actually did reply to me, though she said something odd:
“Ur mother and father?” What the hell does that mean? I’ve heard people say “yo momma!” before, but your “mother and father?” Is that an insult in her native country?
There’s only one way Joe Mixon can respond to this:
Not just Joe Mixon, but Caleb Brantley! Favour, apparently, has no regard for her safety:
I like how I had both Mixon and Bradley sign the e-mail. Just sending a message.
Favour didn’t answer me, which I suppose was predictable. I did have some other spammer contact me:
Another hot girl reaching out to me? Holy hell, I am one super cool Internet dude. And I know I wouldn’t be cool if I didn’t share the close-up pictures with you:
Holy hell. Even though I know this person isn’t real, I still have to respond:
Let’s hope Sandra hasn’t ever watched the Cosby Show. Based on how clueless these spammers have been, I’ll be shocked if she has.
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