The Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts – 2012

The Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts – 2012

The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012

This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place as the Patriots were preparing for the Titans during the week…

Bill Belichick: Stop practice. Everyone stop practice! Has anyone seen my AA batteries? My batteries are on low and I can’t film… God damn it, someone get me some AA batteries right now!

Josh McDaniels: You heard the man! Someone get some AA batteries pronto!

Bill Belichick: What do you mean, “someone?” I meant you, McDouche. What do you think I hired you back for after you ruined Sam Bradford’s career?

Josh McDaniels: Oh stop it, you know you love me, BB! It’s like good old times again. Me and BB coaching the Pats. We’re best friends! Hey let me ask you something though. What’s up with Tom? He doesn’t seem like himself lately.

Bill Belichick: Ugh. Tom, get over here. And don’t start doing any bulls**t sing…

Tom Brady: My money is yours, give you a little more because I love ya, love ya.

Josh McDaniels: What?

Tom Brady: Girl I promise I’ll be gentle I know we gotta do it slowly.

Bill Belichick: Jesus f***ing Christ, he won’t stop.

Tom Brady: You know you love me, I know you care. Just shout whenever, And I’ll be there. You are my love, You are my heart. And we will never ever-ever be apart.

Josh McDaniels: Why is he doing this, BB?

Tom Brady: Chillin’ by the fire as we eaten fondue.

Bill Belichick: It’s that f***ing homo Justin Bieber haircut. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But yeah, his stupid wife made him look like Justin Bieber this week. At least I hope she did. Any man who chooses to look like a 15-year-old boy has issues.

Josh McDaniels: Agreed. My buzz cut attracts all the ladies.

Bill Belichick: Shut up, McDouche. You attract no one.

Tom Brady: We started out it was perfect. Nothing but fun. And my heart was convinced. To say that you’re the one.

Josh McDaniels: Tom, can we go back to practice please?

Tom Brady: See my baby really needs some help cause she can never stay home by herself.

Josh McDaniels: Make him stop, BB, please, make him stop! I want to have a good season. I don’t want to be fired and then forced into coaching Sam Bradford again!

Bill Belichick: You’re going to be fired if you don’t get me my batteries right now, idiot!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place as Brady and some of his teammates were at the mall Friday night…

Brandon Lloyd: I’m really glad to be on a good team for once in my career. I’m not used to this winning thing. I never hung out with my old teammates either.

Wes Welker: Don’t get used to it. I’ve issued a formal complaint that you’re taking away my catches. I expect you to be traded within the fortnight.

Rob Gronkowski: Quiet, Wes! We need Brandon on our team after you screwed up in the Super Bowl! If we would have won, no one would have paid any attention to the video of me dancing afterward despite being injured. Am-i-rite, Tom?

Tom Brady: Look at that guy over there. I can only hope to give him little princes and princesses one day!

Brandon Lloyd: Say what?

Wes Welker: It’s his hair. His wife made him get a Sansa Stark haircut, so he thinks he’s a 13-year-old girl betrothed to a king.

Tom Brady: I’ll give him a son with golden hair, and one day he’ll be the king of all the realm, the greatest king that ever was, as brave as the wolf and as proud as the lion.

Rob Gronkowski: Dude, I know your wife is controlling you with these ridiculous haircuts, but you’re starting to creep me out.

Tom Brady: Do I look my best? I brushed out my long auburn hair until it shone, and I picked out my nicest blue silks. I’ve been looking forward to today for more than a week.

Brandon Lloyd: Silks? You’re wearing your Patriots’ jersey. And what’s so special about today? We’re just at the mall.

Tom Brady: Because I see my prince. He’s all I ever dreamed my prince should be, tall and handsome and strong, with hair like gold. I treasure every chance to spend with him, few as they are.

Wes Welker: See, this is why it’s cool to go bald.

Rob Gronkowski: Ha! Cool to go bald? So says the guy not banging hot porn stars like me.

Wes Welker: Not cool, Rob. Not cool! You know I’m shy to talk to girls.

Rob Gronkowski: Shy? Yeah, OK. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Wes Welker: Hey Tom, back me up here. Tell Rob that… ah f***, I forgot you’re a 13-year-old princess.

Tom Brady: It was a glorious day, a magical day. The air was warm and heavy with the scent of flowers, and the mall here had a gentle beauty that I’ve ever seen.

Wes Welker: Dude, we come here every week.

Rob Gronkowski: Yeah, you’ve turned into a weirdo, Tom.

Tom Brady: All I want is for things to be nice and pretty, the way they were in the songs. Why can’t you guys be sweet and delicate? I would like sisters like that.

Brandon Lloyd: Hey Wes, do you still think you could get me traded within the fortnight?

Bob Kraft: Tom, when I leave this house, I expect no shenanigans.

Tom Brady: Yes sir, Mr. Kraft.

Bob Kraft: This Arby’s convention is very important to me. I don’t want to be worried about my home when I’m trying Arby’s five new sandwiches.

Tom Brady: I won’t do anything to destroy your home, Mr. Kraft.

Bob Kraft’s 32-Year-Old Girlfriend: And you can’t take the car either, Tom!

Tom Brady: Oh, come on!

Bob Kraft: You heard Randy, Tom. Wait, Randy? Rebecca? What’s your name again, sweetie?

Bob Kraft’s 32-Year-Old Girlfriend: It’s Ricky! Remember, I told you when you bought me all of those diamonds?

Bob Kraft: Hmm, sorry, I was eating Arby’s at the time. How do you expect me to concentrate with a beef-and-cheddar in one hand and curly fries in the other?

Bob Kraft’s 32-Year-Old Girlfriend: It’s OK, I still love you.

Bob Kraft: What? Who cares? We’re running late to the Arby’s convention! Eric Matth… I mean Tom, you heard this Riley chick. No car!

Tom Brady: Life sucks!

*** Bob Kraft and his girlfriend leave. Brian Hoyer comes downstairs. ***

Tom Brady: Hey, Brian. If Bob Kraft and Ricky call, tell them I’m asleep. I’m taking the car.

Brian Hoyer: But Bob Kraft and Ricky told you not to!

Tom Brady: So what? I’m still going to do it.

Brian Hoyer: But you failed your driver’s test! Eric, I mean Tom, you’re going to get into big trouble!

Tom Brady: Not if you don’t tell Bob Kraft and Ricky!

*** Tom Brady gets into the car and immediately rear-ends into the house. ***

Brian Hoyer: Nice going, Tom Brady!

Tom Brady: It’s not my fault! How was I supposed to know that the R meant “reverse” and not “radio?”

Brian Hoyer: Everyone knows that. You’re an idiot. You’re going to get dumber and dumber each season. You’re even going to misspell your name on the SATs. Then, you’re going to graduate college the same year as me, thanks to the fact that your middle school and high school teacher will somehow be your college professor.

Tom Brady: Mr. Feeny? Mr. Feeny!

Brian Hoyer: For some reason, I don’t think you’re going to learn your lesson.

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place yesterday, just as Brady learned that he will be traveling to Buffalo…

Bill Belichick: Now, this is going to be a tough game. We all have to be on the same page. McDouche, do you have extra AA batteries in your bag?

Josh McDaniels: Of course, BB! This has been great coaching with y… what the hell is that?

Tom Brady: Like oh my gosh, I’m like sorry I’m like so late and stuff!

Josh McDaniels: You’re an hour late to our meeting. Why do you look like a woman this week?

Tom Brady: I’m like so sorry, I had to like do my nails and then like dry my hair and then like put on makeup and stuff.

Josh McDaniels: Yeah OK, but why are you a woman?

Bill Belichick: Because we’re going to Buffalo. He did this last year too. Remember when Willis McGahee said that all of the women in Buffalo are ugly? Well, Tom thinks this is his best chance to impress all of the men.

Tom Brady: Like oh my gosh, does this dress make my butt look big and stuff?

Josh McDaniels: Not really. Actually it looks quite ni… wait, ugh, what am I saying? Can you please take this meeting seriously, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh my gosh like seriously, who didn’t say that I’m taking these meeting seriously and stuff? I showed up on time an hour late and stuff.

Josh McDaniels: Argh. Bill, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Bill Belichick: You’re going to take it, and you’re going to like it, McDouche.

Josh McDaniels: But… but…

Tom Brady: Speaking of butts, you have a fine one yourself, big boy. How about I take you for a wild ride after this meeting is over?

Josh McDaniels: Ugh, why couldn’t I still be with the Rams?

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following conversation took place yesterday, as Brady appeared on ESPN’s PTI to discuss his upcoming matchup against Peyton Manning…

Tony Kornheiser: Our guest for Five Good Minutes needs no introduction. He’s the one and only Tom Brady! Tom, I have to ask you, what is up with the hair and the glasses? You look like I would if I still had hair!

Tom Brady: Why thank you, Anthony Kornheiser. You see, I’m preparing for my interview with the Hogwarts Academy. Though I may be a muggle, I’ve been reading about all of these spells, and I believe I have mastered them all. I’ll need them against my nemesis Peyton Manning.

Tony Kornheiser: Spells? Who cares about spells? Let’s talk about your hair, Tom. Your hair!

Tom Brady: I use a spell to do my hair each week. Let me show you. Hairo Combo!

*** Tom Brady’s hair re-parts itself. ***

Tony Kornheiser: Whoa, that’s pretty cool! Do you have a spell so I can grow hair? I need hair!

Tom Brady: Sure thing, Anthony Kornheiser. Hairo growo!

*** Tony Kornheiser now has an afro. ***

Tony Kornheiser: Look, Wilbon! I have hair again! Isn’t this great? I have hair. I have hair!

Michael Wilbon: That’s great, Tony. Except you’re siding with the cartel, the NCAA. This was the NCAA’s plan all along. Of course, they’re going to give your boy Tom Brady a hair spell. He went to Michigan, which is in the Big Ten, along with my alma mater Northwestern, can’t say that, can you, Tone? But the NCAA cartel would never give someone from a smaller school a chance to have a hair spell.

Tony Kornheiser: But I have hair, Wilbon! I have hair!

Michael Wilbon: Of course you have hair because you’re part of the cartel even if you went to a small school that no one cares about, unlike my alma mater Northwestern.

Tony Kornheiser: Oh stop it, Wilbon. Why don’t you go cry in your gated-community mansion? Tom, before we let you go, can you teach me the levitation spell so I can get from one place to another without going on an airplane? I hate flying!

Tom Brady: Sure thing, Anthony Kornheiser. Wingardium Leviosa!

Tony Kornheiser: Wingardium Leviohsa!

Tom Brady: It’s Leviohsa, not Leviosaaah!

Tony Kornheiser: Wingardium Leviosa! Look, Wilbon, I can fly! And I have hair!

Michael Wilbon: That’s what the NCAA wants you to do because they’re a cartel run by a bunch of crooks!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following phone conversation took place yesterday, just as Tom Brady got off the plane in Seattle.

Gisele Bundchen: Hello, eez plane drop een Seattle?

Tom Brady: Hey sweetie pie! Yes, I’ve arrived safely in Seattle. I’m so glad you tied my hair in a pony tail and gave me this ear piece so I can talk to you at all times.

Gisele Bundchen: Yes, eez ponee tails eez very chic!

Tom Brady: I know, all of my guy friends on the team are jealous.

Gisele Bundchen: And vis eear piece oont your eear eez good becooz vee can talking!

Tom Brady: Yes, I love talking to you, sweetie pie. Talking is what holds our marriage together. That, and the awesome haircuts you give me. But yes, talking. We have so much in common.

Gisele Bundchen: Yes vee like chic hair style. Vis your hair, vee make very chic hair style every veek!

Tom Brady: Oh my God, so many people are so jealous of my pony tail. Like, hey, Aaron Hernandez, you love my pony tail, don’t you?

Aaron Hernandez: Get the f*** away from me, creep!

Tom Brady: See? Everyone loves it. And I’m going to keep my ear piece in so we can talk all day and all night. We have so many great conversations. Let’s have one right now.

Gisele Bundchen: OK, eez good.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Gisele Bundchen: …

Tom Brady: …

Gisele Bundchen: …

Tom Brady: You’re hot.

Gisele Bundchen: You eez tres chic.

Tom Brady: Oh, what great conversations we’re going to have all week, all while people fawn over my beautiful pony tail!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place yesterday during Tim Tebow’s press conference.

Reporter: Tim, what do you say to all the critics like Keyshawn Johnson and Bomani Jones who think you’re one of the worst football players of all time?

Tim Tebow: First of all, I’d like to thank God for giving me the chance to speak in front of you all today. Secondly, I’d like to thank God for Keyshawn Johnson and Bomani Jones. They may hate me, but God has blessed them so that they can have opinions, and God should be thanked for those opinions. Thirdly, I’d like to thank God for…

Tom Brady: ROAR!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!! I AM SATAN, AND I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU, TIM TEBOW!!!

Reporter: AHHHHHHH IT’S SATAN!!!

Tom Brady: THAT’S RIGHT!!! I’M THE DARK OVERLORD HIMSELF! LOOK AT THE HORNS IN MY HAIR! MY WIFE MADE ME GET THIS HAIRCUT THIS WEEK SO I CAN TAKE DOWN TIM TEBOW AGAIN MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tim Tebow: Don’t worry, guys. I’d like to thank God for Tom Brady’s haircut. It may have transformed him into Satan, but without God, there wouldn’t be Satan, so we can all thank God for Satan.

Tom Brady: WHY THANK… NO YOU WILL NOT TRICK ME, TIM TEBOW! I WILL DESTROY YOU MUHAHAHAHA!!!

Tim Tebow: It’s not a trick, Tom Brady. You’re one of God’s creations, and God will always love you.

Tom Brady: I HATE YOU TIM TEBOW ARGHHHHHH!!!

Saddam Hussein: Hey guy!

Tom Brady: SADDAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE HOT TUB FOR ME.

Saddam Hussein: I missed you, guy!

Tom Brady: I MISSED YOU TOO, SADDAM, BUT I’M BUSY DESTROYING TIM TEBOW RIGHT NOW.

Saddam Hussein: I know, guy! I’m just trying to support you, guy!

Tom Brady: I… THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, SADDAM… YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE SUCH A SPECIAL PERSON IN MY LIFE. I… I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE. I CAN’T DESTROY TIM TEBOW BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH LOVE IN MY HEART FOR YOU, SADDAM.

Saddam Hussein: Aww me too, guy!

Tim Tebow: Two men loving each other? God blesses you no longer, heathens!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS!

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place yesterday as the Patriot players were adjusting to England Standard Time.

Danny Woodhead: Ugh, why do we have to be in England? Couldn’t we play a normal game in America? Why’d we have to fly out here?

Brandon Lloyd: I don’t know, man. I also have to say that I’m quite surprised I’ve survived this long considering Tom Brady’s shenanigans.

Danny Woodhead: Oh yeah, his wife has made him so annoying. Oh, speak of the devil, here he comes now. Hey To- no… NO… NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Brandon Lloyd: What? What is it?

Danny Woodhead: IT’S THE HAIRCUT! OH GOD, NO! NOOOOOOO!!! WHY, GOD WHY!?

Brandon Lloyd: Why? What does this haircut do?

Danny Woodhead: IT’S THE F***ING ROOSTER HAIRCUT! HIS WIFE MAKES HIM GET ONE WHENEVER HE TRAVELS TO EUROPE SO HE DOESN’T OVERSLEEP AFTER A LONG FLIGHT. NOW HE’S GOING TO WAKE THE WHOLE TOWN UP AT 5:30 AM!

Brandon Lloyd: What? Come on, even that’s ridiculous. Tom, can you please assure Danny that you’re not going to make rooster sounds in the morning?

Tom Brady: Grain. Grain. Pellets. Grain. Corn. Wheat. Pellets. Sunflower seeds. Grain. Wheat. Sunflower seeds. Corn. Corn. Sun? Sun? No. Grain. Wheat. Pellets. Sun? No. Corn. Sunflower seeds.

Brandon Lloyd: Good God, Danny, you’re right.

Danny Woodhead: F*** YOU TOM BRADY FOR MARRYING THAT B***H! F*** YOU GISELLE FOR BEING SUCH A C**T! AND F*** YOU GOD, FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS S***!!!

*** Hours later, at the crack of dawn… ***

Tom Brady: Corn. Sun? Sun??? No. Grain. Sunflower seeds. Pellets. Wheat. Gran. Sunfl… SUN!? SUN!!!!!! SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COCK-A-DOOOOOODLE-DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danny Woodhead: F************************CK YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place yesterday as some players were rehabbing during their bye.

Vince Wilfork: NOM NOM NOM NOM PANCAKES NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Patrick Chung: Hey Vince, guess what?

Vince Wilfork: GO AWAY IT’S PANCAKE TIME NOM NOM NOM NOM PANCAKES NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Patrick Chung: No, it’s Tom Brady! He sent us a postcard from vacation.

Vince Wilfork: Oh, from the water park? What does it say?

Patrick Chung: OK, here it is:

omg guys i’m at this warter park and its like so fun the rides are like woah so fast and its like super exciting i got super excited on the slide i show you and i peed myself a little bit but then this little kid went on after me and was like not afraid i was like ummm your making this seem like prison time when you should be having fun like duh but omg guys theres this guy looking at me hes like so cute hes tan and has a 6 pack and hes waring blue swim trunks and hes omg hes coming this way oh no wahat do i say i dunno what to say omg he just walked right by me and looked at me omg hes so cute and omg maybe he lieks me i dunno what do you all theinks anywayz im gonna go on anothur slide its like so much fun i wish you were all hear cuz its like so much fun ok goin to the slide k gtg cya

Patrick Chung: Thank God I decided to stay home.

Vince Wilfork: Me too. OK, go away. IT’S PANCAKE TIME ONCE AGAIN NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Bill Belichick: Let’s run the… hey, has anyone seen Tom Brady? Where the hell is he? I didn’t have my surveillance cameras set up today, so I can’t tell if he’s shown up to practice yet.

Josh McDaniels: I haven’t seen him.

Bill Belichick: Ugh, get away from me, McDouche. I was asking everyone else.

Josh McDaniels: Sorry, BB! I didn’t mean… hey, here he comes!

Bill Belichick: Tom, where were you? Practice started half an hour ago. And what the hell are you wearing? Where’s your football jersey?

Tom Brady: HAW HAW HAW, I FRENCH SOCCER PLAYER AND I WEAR FOOTBALL JERSEY HAW HAW HAW!

Josh McDaniels: No, that’s a gay soccer jersey. Where’s your football jersey?

Bill Belichick: Silence, homophobic fool. Where’s your real football jersey?

Tom Brady: HAW HAW HAW, I BECOME FRENCH SOCCER PLAYER WHEN I GET GREAT PONYTAIL HAIRCUT HAW HAW HAW!

Bill Belichick: What the hell, Tom? Stop getting these ridiculous haircuts.

Tom Brady: HAW HAW HAW, YOU JUST JEALOUS, YOU AND YOUR UGLY HOODIES, I AM FRENCH SOCCER PLAYER, I WEAR FANCY CLOTHES AND BUY EXPENSIVE COLOGNE, HAW HAW HAW!

Josh McDaniels: I’ve had it! Give me that damn soccer jersey so I can throw it in the dumpster!

*** Josh McDaniels tugs lightly at Tom Brady’s soccer jersey. ***

Tom Brady: I AM INJURE! I AM INJURE! GREAT FRENCH SOCCER PLAYER INJURE, DID REFEREE SEE? GIVE YELLOW AND RED CARD, HAW HAW HAW!

Josh McDaniels: You’re faking, wuss!

Tom Brady: OH NO, NOW I INJURE AGAIN WHEN YOU HURT MY FEELING BY SAYING I WUSS, HAW HAW HAW!

Josh McDaniels: BB, help me out here!

Bill Belichick: Help you out? You’re the one who just injured our star quarterback! Get out of my sight, McDouche!

Matt Patricia: Hey defense, we have a tough matchup against Andrew Luck this week. Let’s watch some film on him.

Jerod Mayo: We don’t need to watch film on Andrew Luck. He’s just a rookie and he sucks anyway! We’ll kick his a**!

Matt Patricia: Now, now, calm down, yes Andrew Luck is just a mere rookie but…

Tom Brady: Did someone just say that Andrew Luck is a mere rookie?

Jerod Mayo: Oh no…

Matt Patricia: Tom, what are you doing here? This is a defensive players’ meeting. Now, take your crappy haircut and get out of here.

Tom Brady: Now this is where you’re wrong, Matt and Jerod. I’ve been scouting players for more than three decades, and Andrew Luck is the best pure passer I’ve seen in my career.

Matt Patricia: Better than yourself?

Tom Brady: I had Tom Brady as a third-round prospect. Higher than where he went in the 2000 NFL Draft, but not high enough. Everyone makes mistakes, Todd. But I will put my neck on the line and say that Andrew Luck will have a Hall of Fame career.

Jerod Mayo: Todd? Who’s Todd?

Tom Brady: Andrew Luck comes from a pro-style offense at Stanford. Was coached by Jim Harbaugh from two years. Remember that Jim Harbaugh was once a quarterback in the National Football League. Andrew Luck already has experience, and he’s coming into the league with all of the tools to be a perennial Pro Bowler.

Matt Patricia: Ugh. You think you’re Mel Kiper, don’t you? I should have known, with that goofy haircut.

Tom Brady: He measured in at 6-4, 234 at the Combine, Todd. Ran a 4.67 40. I had him running in the 4.7s. He ran in the 4.67. Not a huge difference, but you can see that the athleticism is there. He had a 36-inch vertical, once again showing off his athleticism, Todd.

Matt Patricia: Todd McShay’s not here. Go away, Tom.

Tom Brady: Todd, you just don’t understand the value of the quarterback position. In 2009, I said that Matthew Stafford had to be the first-overall pick. You said either Jason Smith or Aaron Curry. The quarterback position has so much value in the National Football League, Todd.

Matt Patricia: Hey guys, I’ll give $100 to the first person who sneaks into Tom’s house and shaves off his hair in his sleep.

Jerod Mayo: Shave off his hair for $100? I’ll do it for free, Coach!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place during a Rex Ryan interview with Bob Costas.

Bob Costas: Rex, you have a big game against the Patriots on Thanksgiving. Would you be willing to guarantee victory?

Rex Ryan: That’s a great question, Bob. Did you know that I used to bang hot supermodels on a daily basis before I got married? Yes, I know, you envy me. Next question.

Bob Costas: I don’t envy you at Rex, but moving on, how would you have been able to contain Rob Gronkowski if he were able to play?

Rex Ryan: That’s a great question, Bob. Rob Gronkowski is a sexy man capable of sleeping with many women each night. This would have been a big concern for me several years ago, but I am now happily married and beneficiary of great haircuts.

Bob Costas: Rex, what are you talking about? Wait, maybe I shouldn’t ask. OK, Tom Brady seems unstoppable right now. What can you do to slow him down?

Rex Ryan: That’s a great question, Bob. But I am Tom Brady, so I don’t need to slow myself down. Come to think of it, that was a stupid question, Bob.

Bob Costas: Wait, you’re Tom Brady? No, you’re not. You’re Rex Ryan.

Rex Ryan: Bob, you’re an idiot. How could I be that fat a**hole Rex Ryan when I have this awesome haircut?

Bob Costas: Just because you have Tom Brady’s haircut doesn’t mean that you’re Tom Br…

Rex Ryan: I’ve had enough of this, Bob. I’m going home to sleep with my hot supermodel wife. And when we’re done sleeping, she’ll tell me which haircut to get next.

Bob Costas: I still don’t think…

Tom Brady: Ha! I knew someone was impersonating me! When I went into the beauty salon to get my weekly haircut, my stylist Georgio informed me that an impersonator stole my appointment!

Rex Ryan: Stole your appointment? Ha! I’m the real Tom Brady. Go away, liar.

Tom Brady: Liar? You’re the liar! Look how fat you are! Tom Brady is not fat. He can sleep with lots of supermodels every night if he weren’t married!

Rex Ryan: I sleep with many supermodels each night, impostor!

Bob Costas: OK, this is getting too weird for me. Servants, come hither! Please carry me back to my hotel room so I may enjoy my $5,000 bottle of wine all while pondering how I can save the world.

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place prior to the Patriots’ flight to Miami.

Gisele Bundchen: You prepare for go to country of Miami?

Tom Brady: Fo sho.

Gisele Bundchen: I very scare when you say you must play in Miami. I read lot of Mexican in Miami. Mexican svim across ocean and kill people in Miami.

Tom Brady: You ain’t gotta worry about me, shorty.

Gisele Bundchen: Yes, I knows. You no look tres chic but zis is necessary becooz you play in Miami and must avoid killings.

Tom Brady: I ain’t worried bout no killins. I’m representin’ the Fox to the Borough.

Gisele Bundchen: Yes, yes, Georgio do good job vis you, make you look like Eminems from move 8 Miles.

Tom Brady: Whatchu mean, look like Eminem, I am Eminem b***h!

Gisele Bundchen: Yes, yes, iz good. You vill be safe vis zis haircut and hoodie from Mexican.

Tom Brady: Fo shizzle, but if somebody disspeck me, I’ma pop a cap in dey a**.

Gisele Bundchen: Good, good, I dunno vhy bottle cap mean dangeroos but good you sound like vite rapper. You no look tres chic, but you can always look tres chic vhen come home.

Tom Brady: I dunno what this tres chic bulls*** is. Ey yo, Ryan, you ready to roll up out of this b***h?

Ryan Mallett: Who gonna give Ryan Mallett the back seat of dis airplane?

Tom Brady: If dey don’t give us that backseat and disspeck us, they’s gonna be realz sorry.

Ryan Mallett: Yeee and who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Sangria durin’ the flight?

Gisele Bundchen: I so happy you have gangster friend for dangeroos place like Miami. And iz even great zat vee don’t even have to pay Georgio to make Ryan Malloot be like Eminems.

Brandon Lloyd: Ugh, where are we going? I thought we were going to the mall again?

Tom Brady: Don’t worry. We’re going near the mall. We’re going to hang out by the bus stop for a little while.

Wes Welker: Oh, God, not this again.

Brandon Lloyd: I’m almost afraid to ask.

Tom Brady: Don’t be afraid to ask, Brandon. I know you come from a middle-class family, but I don’t want that to be a reason why you would be discouraged to ask questions.

Brandon Lloyd: Hey, what the hell is with that shot at me?

Wes Welker: Here we go again.

Brandon Lloyd: Here we go again with what? What are we doing at a bus stop?

Tom Brady: Glad you asked, Brandon. Let it be known that I do not exclude the middle class, even if you are inferior to me. We are going to the bus stop to laugh at all of the poor people who can’t afford cars.

Brandon Lloyd: What? Why?

Tom Brady: Being that you’re a middle-class citizen, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. See, Brandon, I come from a rich family. That’s how I can afford this snazzy haircut and awesome polo shirt. My family’s rich, so when my parents die, I’ll be rich, so it’s my job to keep the poor people down so that they don’t become a threat to my money.

Wes Welker: HEY A**HOLE, YOU SIGNED A $78.5 MILLION CONTRACT TWO YEARS AGO. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HAS THE WEALTH; NOT YOUR PARENTS. STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU’RE A SNOBBY, RICH KID BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE ONE RIGHT NOW!

Tom Brady: I can never win with you guys. If I don’t berate poor people, they’ll take my money away. If I do it, you yell at me. What am I to do? Huh, Wes? Or are you just mad that my family has seven yachts and you only have four?

Brandon Lloyd: Why do you have seven yachts?

Tom Brady: Oh, Brandon, this middle-class innocence of yours is so precious. So, so precious.

Brandon Lloyd: But I’m not middle-

Tom Brady: Hey, look! There’s a poor person getting off the bus! Hey poor person, how many yachts do you have? Two? Three? Ha! I have seven! Yeah, seven! And how many bathrooms do you have in your house? Five! What a loser!

Brandon Lloyd: Is he serious, Wes?

Wes Welker: I’m afraid so.

Tom Brady: Hey poor person, I bet your dad makes only $500,000 per year! I bet you have only eight TVs in your house! Why don’t you just go and kill yourself!?

Brandon Lloyd: Speaking of killing oneself, that’s what I want to do right now.

Rob Gronkowski: Thank God we don’t have to play in San Francisco this year. I’ve never been there, but I hear there are a lot of gays. How am I supposed to bang hot porn artists if there are gay dudes running around everywhere?

Aaron Hernandez: No idea. But speaking of gay…

Tom Brady: Hey guys, you won’t believe it, but I just got like the best mani-pedi ever for $20. I can give you the store name if you want.

Gisele Bundchen: Tom look tres, tres chic, eh?

Rob Gronkowski: Chic? What the f*** is that? And Tom, how would I bang hot porn stars with a mani-pedi? They’d think I was a fag.

Aaron Hernandez: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Tom Brady: Gay!? I’m not gay! I swear it!

Gisele Bundchen: Zey just jealoos, Tom. Ezz difficult no look tres chic like you after appointmoont vis Georgio.

Tom Brady: Yeah, these guys are jealous! How dare they say I’m not gay? I’m the not-gayest person alive!

Aaron Hernandez: Me thinks the guy looking like a lady doth protest too much.

Rob Gronkowski: Doth? What the f*** is doth? Don’t tell me you’re turning queer on me too, Aaron!

Tom Brady: If anyone is gay in this group right now, it’s definitely Aaron. I’m the last person who’s gay!

Aaron Hernandez: Ugh, doth is… never mind. And Tom, I think you’re overcompensating just a tad.

Tom Brady: Overcompensating!? You’re overcompensating! How can I be gay when I have a hot wife like Gisele!?

Gisele Bundchen: Haha Roob sleep vis porno star and zis Aaron maybe sleep vis goat I sink. Zey no look tres chick so zey say you like penoos in anoos.

Tom Brady: Yeah… yeah! You guys are just jealous that I have such great haircuts and a hot wife!

Aaron Hernandez: Right. We are so envious about your haircuts.

Rob Gronkowski: Envious? What the f*** is envious? Now I’m starting to think you’re gay with your fancy-shmancy big words, Aaron. Why don’t you go play for the 49ers?

Aaron Hernandez: It’s… ugh… you know what? Never mind. Just go sleep with your porn stars.

Bill Belichick: What the hell’s going out there? Why can’t we complete a single damn pass?

Josh McDaniels: Yeah, what the hell’s going out there?

Bill Belichick: Stop repeating everything I say, McDouche! These are the worst passing drills I’ve ever seen!

Josh McDaniels: Sorry, BB. Worst passing drills I’ve ever seen too.

Bill Belichick: Gronk, get over here! Why haven’t you caught a pass yet?

Rob Gronkowski: Coach, it’s not my fault. The balls aren’t anywhere near me.

Josh McDaniels: That’s what she said!

Bill Belichick: Shut up, McDouche. Why aren’t the balls anywhere near you?

Rob Gronkowski: I don’t know, Coach. Tom seems off his game today.

Aaron Hernandez: Yeah, no pass has come near me either.

Bill Belichick: Tom, get over here!

Tom Brady: Omg omg omgo mg guise i cant see lol omg omg ogm om gomg.

Josh McDaniels: I don’t think he can see, BB.

Bill Belichick: I know that, moron! Tom, why is your hair covering your eyes?

Tom Brady: Whoa like omg omg omg ogmg ogmg allz i can see is haiir loolololololol.

Bill Belichick: Ugh! Part your hair or something, so your eyes will be uncovered.

Tom Brady: I cant seeee but i can’t hair either cuz omg omg omg hiars covering eyes and ears hahahah like whooaaa!!!

Bill Belichick: Why the hell would you get a haircut like this?

Matt Slater: I can answer that, sir. Tom was saying how much the Jaguars suck and that he could beat them blindfolded, so I guess he’s testing his theory out.

Bill Belichick: Good God. We haven’t even completed a pass in practice yet. Tom, I don’t care how much the Jaguars suck. Just stop this nonsense, now!

Tom Brady: Omg omgogmgog wha did you say liek i said ic an t hear you ro seee you hahahaa lolololl!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS

Remember when Tom Brady used to be the most clutch quarterback in the NFL? He had that epic drive against the Rams in the Super Bowl. He then engineered numerous other fourth-quarter comebacks, including one to defeat the Panthers two years later to claim his second Lombardi trophy. After he earned his third, there was a wide-spread belief that he would pass both Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw and eventually earn five or more total rings.

Well, Brady’s been stuck on three. He’s no longer clutch; in fact, he often melts down in the fourth quarters of big matchups. He seems to really care about some games – especially those involving Tim Tebow – but then he’s so lackadaisical in others.

So, what happened? The obvious answer is his wife. But more specifically, it’s the haircuts that his wife forces him into getting. It’s unknown to the media, but Brady’s haircuts are much more than just silly fashion statements; each haircut gives Brady a new persona.

For instance, the following exchange took place in the shadows of Gillette Stadium.

Tall Masked Man: Our plan has finally come to fruition.

Short Masked Man: Yes, it totally has.

Tall Masked Man: Just look at them. Frolicking together on the field so gleefully. Soon enough, the reporters will find out, and Tom Brady will be a disgraced quarterback.

Short Masked Man: He’ll definitely be a disgrace.

Tall Masked Man: I wonder how late they’ll stay up together.

*** Both men stare out onto the field, where Tom Brady and Justin Bieber are running around playfully. Both Brady and Bieber are sporting identical haircuts and are wearing Patriot No. 12 jerseys. They’ve even had facial surgery in an attempt to look identical. ***

Tom Brady: I’m Tom Brady!

Justin Bieber: No, I’m Tom Brady!

Tom Brady: No, I’m Justin Bieber!

Justin Bieber: No, I’m Justin Bieber!

Tom Brady: No, you’re Justin Bieber!

Justin Bieber: No, you’re Tom Brady!

Tom Brady: Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Justin Bieber: Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!

Tom Brady: I love you, Tom!

Justin Bieber: I love you, Justin!

Tom Brady: Hahahahahahahaha!

Justin Bieber: Hehehehehehehe!

*** Meanwhile, back in the shadows. ***

Tall Masked Man: I never imagined that we would be able to engineer Tom Brady into acting so heterosexually challenged, but it worked.

Short Masked Man: Yes, it worked.

Masked Woman: Of course it worked.

Tall Masked Man: Your grace!

Short Masked Man: Your grace!

Masked Woman: Rise, Lords Peyton and Josh. You have served me well.

Peyton Manning: It was my pleasure. After losing to Tom in all of those playoff games earlier in my career, I needed to get revenge beyond beating him on the football field.

Josh McDaniels: And I wanted people to stop calling me McDouche! That’s all Tom and Bill Belichick called me.

Peyton Manning: Well, you’re in the right place, McAwesome. We’ve gotten our sweet revenge. But your grace, I’m wondering what you have against Tom?

Masked Woman: That is for another time. Come, it’s time to alert the press of Tom Brady and Justin Bieber’s sexual affair. After that, we shall commence Stage 2 of our plan!

Who is the Masked Woman? Why does she want revenge? And what does she have planned for Brady? Find out next year on THE ADVENTURES OF TOM BRADY’S HAIRCUTS!

Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.

The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012

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