The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
Now, Tom Brady is awake and enjoying his sixth Super Bowl victory…
Tom Brady: I’m so happy right now! I can’t believe I did it!
Robert Kraft: I can believe it! I can believe you won your sixth Super Bowl! Because you’re the GOAT! And I’m not talking about those sexy animals! I mean the Greatest Quarterback of All Time, the GOAT!
Tom Brady: Thanks, Mr. Kraft, but I’m not talking about being happy about winning a sixth Super Bowl!
Robert Kraft: What then, my beloved GOAT!?
Tom Brady: I’m so happy I woke up from that horrible dream I had where an evil version of me existed, and I’ve realized that there are more important things in life than football!
Robert Kraft: You mean like eating Arby’s and getting massages?
Tom Brady: No, well, yes! Everything! If you love something, do it! That’s why I’m going to quit football and pursue other passions!
Robert Kraft: Tom, please, no, you can’t! How will we win without you!?
Tom Brady: You’ll find a way. I believe in you.
Robert Kraft: But Tom! You can’t leave me! I have separation anxiety! This will be like that one time Arby’s closed near my neighborhood, or that one time my massage therapist became a mother and couldn’t give me massages anymore, or that one time my barber died. Tom, do you realize how sad I was!? I didn’t know who would give me a haircut! How upsetting for me!
Tom Brady: Hmm… barber, huh!? Yes, let me see your hair… And rub my hand in it… Yes… Yes!!! I’m going to become a barber!
Robert Kraft: No… please… Tom…
Tom Brady: I’m sorry, Mr. Kraft, but I love hair and haircuts so much that I know I’m meant to be a barber! Thank you for everything you’ve given me, but it’s time for me to pursue my passion!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wants to become a barber…
Tom Brady: I’ve finally done it! I am now a barber, and not only that, I have lots of customers!
Customer: Whoa, I can’t believe Tom Brady is my barber. This is going to be fun! I can’t believe I’m your first customer.
Tom Brady: The first of many, apparently. Look at the line outside! Everyone has come to get a haircut from the greatest barber of all time!
Customer: The greatest barber of all time? How can you say that if I’m your first customer?
Tom Brady: Because I was the greatest quarterback of all time, and now I will be the greatest barber of all time! Yeah!
Customer: But Tom, what does cutting hair have to do with playing quarterback?
Tom Brady: Everything! I won six Super Bowls, and now I will win six haircut Super Bowls!
Customer: What is a haircut Super Bowl?
Tom Brady: It’s given to the best barber in the world! And now you will see my great work for yourself!
Customer: But wait, I haven’t told you what haircut I want yet.
Tom Brady: It doesn’t matter! I will cut your hair however I please because I am the greatest barber of all time! Buhahahahahahaha!
Customer: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
*** Tom Brady gave his customer such a bad haircut that the patron died of a broken heart. The same happened to the next customer, and then the next. Soon enough, word spread, and everyone knew better to go to Brady’s barber shop…
Tom Brady: Hmm… maybe I’m not the best barber of all time. I guess I should have practiced cutting fake hair before cutting real hair.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. Now, he’s trying something new…
Tom Brady: Hey guys, can I join you on the links!?
Golfer: Oh wow, it’s Tom Brady! Sure, Tom, please golf with us.
Tom Brady: What do you guys think of my golf stance? I’m going to golf on one leg for my first game of golf ever. What do you think!?
Golfer: Hmm… that doesn’t seem like the best strategy.
Tom Brady: But I am the greatest golfer of all time! Maybe you should try my one-legged golf technique!
Golfer: Wait, the greatest golfer of all time? Don’t you mean Tiger Woods or Jack Nicklaus?
Tom Brady: No! I’m better! I golf on one leg, and they’re not good enough to do that!
Golfer: But you need two legs to golf. Wait, weren’t you going to become a barber? What happened with that?
Tom Brady: I tried being a barber, but I didn’t quite cut it. Get it? Cut it! Ha!
Golfer: I got it. Can you just hit the golf ball, Tom?
Tom Brady: Ha, I’m the best comedian of all time! I don’t think you got the joke! Because I was a barber but didn’t cut it, and barbers cut hair. Get it? Cut and cut! It’s a play on words!
Golfer: Tom, please just hit the ball.
Tom Brady: No, you don’t get it at all! Let me explain one more time! Barbers cut hair. Right? That’s what they do. They cut hair. And I didn’t cut it being a barber. By not cutting it, I don’t mean actually cutting hair, even though that’s what I did, was cut hair…
*** An hour later…
Tom Brady: Now, do you finally get my joke? You better get it!
Golfer: Ha… yes… please, just hit the freaking ball!
Tom Brady: OK, get ready for the best golfer of all time! Three… two… one… wheeeeeee!!!
*** Tom Brady tried to swing at the golf ball, but couldn’t hit it very far because he was standing on one leg.
Tom Brady: Hmmm… that didn’t go very far. Must be the wind. Guys, let’s call it a day! The wind is obstructing my great swings!
Golfer: Tom, why don’t you try swinging with both of your feet on the ground?
Tom Brady: You dare tell me, the greatest golfer of all time, how to golf? Silence, peon!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. Now, he’s trying something new…
Tom Brady: Hey guys, thanks for joining me for this press conference!
Reporter: Tom, does this press conference indicate that you’ll be making a return to pro football?
Tom Brady: No, of course not. What gave you that idea?
Reporter: Well, you scheduled a press conference, so we just assumed that it was important.
Tom Brady: It is! This might be the most important news of all time!
Reporter: Of all time? What is it, then? Are you… are you dying?
Tom Brady: Me, the greatest quarterback, dying? Idiot! No. Look at my shirt. Do you know what it says?
Reporter: Pliability…
Tom Brady: Yes. And do you know what it means?
Reporter: The ability to bend?
Tom Brady: Yes! Smart boy! Well, there’s your answer. Pliability!
Reporter: I don’t understand.
Tom Brady: Fine. Let me spell it out for you. I’ve studied pliability, and I am now going to be a massage specialist!
Reporter: Oh, that’s nice. So, what’s the important news you’ve been teasing?
Tom Brady: That is the news, duh! I am going to be a massage specialist. Why aren’t you writing this down!?
Reporter: I don’t see why this is important.
Tom Brady: Ugh, you journalists. You’ve produced so much fake news you wouldn’t know if fake news came out of the closet and boinked you in the bung hole. This is major news because I am now the greatest massager of all time.
Reporter: Don’t you mean masseur? And why are you the greatest masseur of all time? Have you given massages before?
Tom Brady: No! What does giving massages before have to do with being the greatest massager of all time? I am Tom Brady, and I’m the best ever at whatever I do, unless it’s golf or barbering!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. Now, he’s trying something new…
Tom Brady: Welcome to the Greatest Massage Parlor of All Time. I am your host, Tonya Brady. What sort of massage can I give you today?
Bob Kraft: Why hello there, sexy lady. I would like the Arby’s special massage.
Tom Brady: Well, as the best massager in the world, I can certainly do that. But just to make sure, can you please remind me of what an Arby’s massage is?
Bob Kraft: It’s when I get to eat Arby’s while you give me a massage, but instead of creams and oils, you use Arby’s sauce and ketchup.
Tom Brady: My, my, sexy man, what a sexy massage you want. Are you sure you’re ready for it?
Bob Kraft: For you, beautiful young lady? Anything! How much will it cost?
Tom Brady: I don’t know, I’m very rich and am no longer a real human being, so I don’t know how much real things cost. I mean, umm, how about $500,000, honey?
Bob Kraft: Sign me up! Heck, if you would’ve asked for a piece of ownership of the Patriots, I would have given it to you!
Tom Brady: OK, let’s start. Oooohh, these Arby’s sauces and ketchups smell nice. Feel how good that massage feels.
Bob Kraft: Oh yeah, baby. Take more of my money. What can you do for $2 million more?
Tom Brady: For $2 million, I can put the Arby’s sauce and ketchup in my hoo-hoo!
Bob Kraft: Yes, YES! YES!!!!
Police Officer: FREEZE, DIRT BAGS! WE ARE THE POLICE, AND WE’RE DOING IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE STOPPING MASSAGES FOR MONEY RATHER THAN STOPPING INSIGNIFCANT THINGS LIKE MURDERS!
Bob Kraft: Don’t shoot! Please! If you shoot, you could ruin my sandwiches!
Tom Brady: What is the meaning of this!? I am the best massager in the world! How dare you raid my establishment!?
Police Officer: I THINK YOU MEAN MASSEUR. SIR, PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM MR. KRAFT! HE’S GOING TO PRISON FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SEX SLAVES BY PAYING THEM LOTS OF MONEY!
Bob Kraft: Sir? What do you mean, sir? Tonya, why are they calling you “sir?”
Tom Brady: I will tell you soon, Mr. Kraft. I hope you will forgive me when I do.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings.
Reporter: Thanks for joining me, Tom Brady.
Tom Brady: You’re welcome. The pleasure is all yours.
Reporter: Don’t you mean the pleasure is all mine?
Tom Brady: Yes. It’s completely your pleasure. You must be so excited to interview me, while I barely care because I’m saaaaad.
Reporter: Tom, let’s talk about that. You must be regretting what happened in the massage parlor.
Tom Brady: Yes. It’s horrible. I’ve barely slept.
Reporter: It must have been incredibly upsetting to see your former owner get arrested because you failed to check the security cameras in your own facility.
Tom Brady: What? What does my sadness have to do with Robert Kraft’s arrest? I barely care about that.
Reporter: Oh, wow. So, what are you upset about then?
Tom Brady: The police. They stole my shampoos and conditioners during their raid. I went to CVS to buy more, but they stopped making my brand of shampoo and conditioner!
Reporter: Can’t you just buy other types of shampoo and conditioner?
Tom Brady: Other types of shampoo and conditioner? OTHER TYPES OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER!? HAVE YOU SEEN MY BEAUTIFUL MANE!?
Reporter: Well, it is quite beautiful, but surely there is another solution.
Tom Brady: NO! NO OTHER SOLUTION! I’M GOING TO BE A HIDEOUS MONSTER WITHOUT MY SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER!
Reporter: Tom, I think you’re exaggerating a bit here…
Tom Brady: I’m not. Not in the slightest. Without my shampoo and conditioner, I have to face the fact that I’m no longer the greatest ever at anything…
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with the one person who may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner.
Giesele: Thomas, nice of you to meet me at the gala. And you’ve come dressed as I’ve requested, looking like window drapes.
Tom Brady: You did request this velvet tuxedo for some reason.
Giesele: Oh, Thomas, do you not know the reason? It is still my pleasure to see you be embarrassed, and there is nothing more embarrassing than looking like window drapes.
Tom Brady: Gisele, I’m sorry I hurt you in the past. But I would like to request your help now.
Giesele: Help? Oh, this is good. With what?
Tom Brady: I became a massager, but…
Giesele: I think you mean masseur.
Tom Brady: I don’t care! Everyone stop correcting me!
Giesele: Buhahaha, you child. Fine. Continue.
Tom Brady: As a massager, I had all my shampoos and conditioners in the massage parlor, and the authorities confiscated all of them.
Giesele: And now you can’t buy them because CVS doesn’t sell them anymore.
Tom Brady: Yes. Wait, how did you know that?
Giesele: Because, Thomas, I am the one who called the authorities on you, and I also had the government recall your brand of shampoo and conditioner! Buhahahahahaha!
Tom Brady: So, I assume I can’t borrow them from you, then…
Giesele: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO BORROW SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FROM ME!??!?! BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME VERY DIRTY, THOMAS! AND I’M GOING TO ENJOY EVERY SECOND OF IT!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. The result of that…
Tom Brady: Hey guys, I’m back to quarterback the Patriots! I failed in my other vocations, so I thought I’d be your quarterback again.
Bill Belichick: Thank goodness, our other quarterbacks were hor… What. The. F**k. Happened. To. You?
Tom Brady: Gisele took away my shampoo and conditioners, so I haven’t bathed in weeks.
Bill Belichick: Yeah, but couldn’t you just use other shampoo and conditioner?
Tom Brady: Use other shampoos and conditioners on my beautiful mane? Coach, are you crazy?
Bill Belichick: Are you!? Look at you! You look like f***ing vomit on an old lady’s living room couch!
Tom Brady: I’ll take it as a compliment! Living room couches are pretty.
Bill Belichick: It’s not a compliment, Tom. You look horrible.
Tom Brady: But coach, surely not everyone thinks like you do.
Rob Gronkowski: HI TOM, I’M GONNA COME OUT OF RETIREMENT LIKE YOU WHHAAAATTT THE HEEEELLL HAPPPPENNN YOOUUU!!!??! GROONKKK SCAARREEDD! COOOACHHH, GROOONNKKK SCCCAARREEDD!
Bill Belichick: Now look at what you’ve done, Tom. You’ve upset our team’s simpleton.
Tom Brady: Maybe I do look horrible. I guess I’ll have to wear a disguise whenever I leave my home from now on…
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. The result is that he has to wear a disguise in public…
Tom Brady: Hiya guys, my name’s Farmer Fred and I’m here with my top hat and fancy suit, yeehaw!
Bill Belichick: Oh, hey Tom.
Tom Brady: I’m not Tom Brady, I swear. I’m Farmer Fred, and I go square dancin’ every Friday night. They call me Farmer Fred the Friday Night Square Dancer, yeehaw!
Bill Belichick: Sure, Tom, whatever you say.
Tom Brady: Oh, come on! How did this disguise not fool you? It even fooled me! I passed by the mirror, and I spent 15 minutes wondering who I was!
Bill Belichick: Tom, you literally told me yesterday that you were going to be wearing disguises in public.
Tom Brady: Oh, whoops, lol! I forgot.
Bill Belichick: Of course you did. Anyway, did you find a solution to your shampoo dilemma yet?
Tom Brady: No! With my shampoo out of stock, I can’t wash my lovely mane, so I will have to continue to be dirty all the time from now on.
Linda Holliday: I couldn’t help to overhear. I have amazing hair like you do, Tom. Might I recommend PS shampoo and conditioner? It’s still in stock at CVS, so you can try that.
Tom Brady: Thanks, random lady! Though your hair is disgusting compared to mine, I will acknowledge that your hair is pretty compared to the average person, so I will give your brand a chance.
Bill Belichick: Good. Try your new shampoo. Just don’t bother me again with this stupid nonsense!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there are side effects…
Tom Brady: Hiya Gronk! Whatcha doing!?
Rob Gronkowski: GONK ENJOY RETIREDMENT! GONK HAVE FUN!
Tom Brady: Oh, you’re about to have more fun, all right.
Rob Gronkowski: THIS MAKE GONK HAPPY! GONK LOVE HAVE FUN!
Tom Brady: But you’ve never had any fun like this. Let’s see how much fun you have when I insert my kielbasa into your backside!
Rob Gronkowski: WHAT!? GONK NO WANT!
Tom Brady: Here it comes, big boy! Get ready!
Rob Gronkowski: NOOOO! GONK NO WANT! GONK NOOOO WAAAANNNTTT!!!
Tom Brady: I need you, Gonk! I need my kielbasa inside your backside! This shampoo and conditioner brand I’m now using has increased my sexual libido, and I need a release now!
Rob Gronkowski: NO! PLEASE! GONK DO ANYTHING! GONK GIVE YOU HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION, SHOT GLASS GONK GET FROM BOAT RIDE!
Tom Brady: Oh, good idea! Looks like I’ll be inserting both kielbasas and shot glasses into your backside!
Rob Gronkowski: NO, GONK BACKSLIDE NO CAN TAKE THIS! AHHHHHHH!!!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there are side effects…
Tom Brady: Oh boy, what a hard night with Gronk. With his backside worn out, I have to find a new victim to satisfy my increased sexual libido that I’ve developed from my new shampoo and conditioner. Here’s my next victim. Hiya, whatcha doing!?
Man on the Street: It’s Tom Brady! Hey Tom, I’m such a big fan!
Tom Brady: I like what I’m hearing about fans. How about we go to the store, buy a fan, and then I ram it up your backside?
Man on the Street: What? Oh, you’re joking. Haha, very funny, Tom! You’re so cool.
Tom Brady: Yes, cool. As in the setting we’ll have the fan on when I jam it up your backside.
Man on the Street: This is getting weird. I’m gonna go home. Bye.
Tom Brady: No, wait, come back! Ohhh boy, here’s another potential victim. Hiya, whatcha doing?
Other Man on the Street: What do you mean, what am I… oh, wow, it’s Tom Brady! Holy crap!
Tom Brady: Great idea about holy crap. How about I watch you poop in the bathroom, then scoop up your feces into a bag. Then, we can bring it to a church to have a priest bless it. Then, I’ll ram it back into your backside.
Other Man on the Street: What the f**k are you talking about, sicko? I guess you’re just someone who looks like Tom Brady because Tom Brady would never talk like that. Good riddance!
Tom Brady: But wait, I really am Tom Br… ohh, wow, another victim. Hiya, watcha doing?
Third Man on the Street: Whoa, it’s Tom Brady! This is out of this world!
Tom Brady: That’s a great idea about being out of this world! How about we go to a science facility, create a worm hole to another universe, gather stuff from that other universe back to this universe, and then get a hotel room so I can ram all of that otherworldly stuff into your backside!?
Third Man on the Street: Umm, what? I guess you’re not Tom Brady. Go away, weirdo.
Tom Brady: Noo, don’t go! Oh man, there are now no men remaining on the street. Won’t anyone help satisfy my increased sexual libido?
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there the side effects were that his sexual libido increased. Brady contacted Linda Holliday, who recommended the shampoo and conditioner to him, and he agreed to meet her at night…
Tom Brady: Well, well, well, Linda Holliday, fancy meeting you here.
Linday Holliday: What do you mean? You asked to meet me.
Tom Brady: That’s true. But look what you did to me. You recommended that brand of shampoo and conditioner, and I have now transformed into a lion. My sexual libido is so high that I’ve grown hair everywhere!
Linday Holliday: Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.
Tom Brady: What do you mean? You knew these side effects would happen!?
Linday Holliday: Yes, Thomas. I knew it. And I’ve watched you embarrass yourself. You propositioned yourself to countless men, and they all turned you down. Even your precious Gronk, whom you violated.
Tom Brady: Why… why did you want to embarrass me?
Linday Holliday: Thomas, you really are a dolt. How do you not realize who I really am?
Tom Brady: You’re… you’re Linda Holliday, right?
Linday Holliday: No, you fool! I am really Gisele! I was Linday Holliday in disguise.
Tom Brady: Gisele!
Gisele: HAHAHAHAHA! THOMAS, I HAVE FOOLED YOU AGAIN!!!
Tom Brady: Noooooo!!!
Gisele: And now, smile for the camera, Thomas. Everyone is now seeing you looking like a cowardly lion. You will never be able to be seen in public ever again. You are disgusting, and everyone will know to stay away from whichever business you want to start next. You are a ruined man, Thomas, and I will be enjoying every second of it!
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there the side effects were that his sexual libido increased. Brady contacted Linda Holliday, who recommended the shampoo and conditioner to him, and he agreed to meet her at night. She then revealed that she’s really Gisele, and her plan was to embarrass him. Now, Brady has gone into hiding…
Tom Brady: Oh boy, I wanted to stay in my house for the rest of my life to avoid embarrassment for all of the hair I’ve grown, but I need to go to the market to buy food that will allow me to live until I am 719 years old. So, I’ve decided to wear this disguise. Who am I speaking to now? I don’t know! Oh wait… oh no, here comes someone now…
Man on the Street: Hey honey, look at that. A grown man on a scooter. What a tool! Wait, do… do you think that’s Tom Brady? It looks exactly like him!
Tom Brady: NO, DEFINITELY NOT TOM BRADY! I’M NOT THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK AND BARBER AND MASSAGER OF ALL TIME! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!
Man on the Street: I think you mean masseur.
Tom Brady: WHATEVER, DUDE! I’M TOTALLY NOT TOM BRADY! I AM JUST THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING ON A SCOOTER!
Man on the Street: Whatever. Honey, let’s get away from this weirdo.
Tom Brady: Phew. That was close. Oh no, here comes someone else!
Other Man on the Street: What the- that’s Tom Brady! Tom, can I get your autograph, please?
Tom Brady: I’M NOT TOM BRADY, BUT I WILL SIGN YOUR AUTOGRAPH IF YOU WANT ME TO! AFER ALL, I AM THE GREATEST MASSA- I MEAN MASSEUR IN ALL THE LAND!
Other Man on the Street: Oh, no thanks, then. What the hell is a masseur though?
Tom Brady: It’s a guy who massages people. A massager, if you will.
Other Man on the Street: Oh, well, why didn’t you just say so instead of using one of those fancy college words?
Tom Brady: Finally, someone who agrees with me! Will you be my best friend?
Other Man on the Street: Be best friends with a weirdo on a scooter!? Ha! What a loser! Get a life, creep!
Tom Brady: I finally met someone who understood my language, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Am I destined to live a life as a recluse?
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there the side effects were that his sexual libido increased. Brady contacted Linda Holliday, who recommended the shampoo and conditioner to him, and he agreed to meet her at night. She then revealed that she’s really Gisele, and her plan was to embarrass him. Now, Brady has gone into hiding…
Tom Brady: Looks like my scooter plan backfired! I’m not used to people believing that I’m a dork, but that’s what people on scooters are, apparently. I wanted to remain in my house, but I needed to go to the store to buy tampons. So, I’ve decided to cover myself with this fancy coat instead of ride around on a scooter in all black. Once again, I don’t know why I’m talking to myself. Oh, look, here comes someone now!
Man on the Street: Hey honey, look at that idiot covering himself with that rich-people coat! Why doesn’t he just wear the coat!? What a fool!
Tom Brady: I’M NOT A FOOL! I’M TOM BRADY, AND I’M GREAT, AND I DON’T RIDE A SCOOTER ANYMORE!
Man on the Street: Tom Brady!? Ha! Tom Brady would never make himself look like an idiot like that!
Tom Brady: Oh boy, oh boy, I just can’t win. Oh no, here comes someone else.
Man on the Street: Hey guy, you look like Tom Brady, but Tom Brady wouldn’t wear a coat over his head like that. He’s too smart for that.
Tom Brady: NO HE’S NOT! TOM BRADY’S WOULDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE HE’S NOT SMART! I MEAN, TOM BRADY IS VERY SMART! THE SMARTEST PERSON OF ALL TIME!
Other Man on the Street: Way to contradict yourself, idiot.
Tom Brady: STOP IT! STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! COME ON, GUYS! Oh, it’s Bill Belichick, I guess I can show myself in front of him because he always wears the same hoodie and never takes showers.
Bill Belichick: Tom, I’ve heard what has happened to you. I didn’t think you were leaving your house because you’ve grown so much hair from your increased libido from the new shampoo and conditioner. But you know what? You look fine to me. There’s no hair anywhere besides your head.
Tom Brady: I… wait a second. I don’t have hair… I don’t have hair! I DON’T HAVE HAIR! AND I’M NOT HORNY! I DON’T WANT TO RAM STUFF INTO YOUR BACKSIDE!
Bill Belichick: Ram what? Tom, are you feeling OK?
Tom Brady: Yes, Coach! I feel better. I feel great, actually! And I’ve just discovered something very important! See ya, Coach!
Bill Belichick: Wait, he wanted to ram stuff into my backside? Oh boy, I hope he gets his mind right if he returns to play another year.
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there the side effects were that his sexual libido increased. Brady contacted Linda Holliday, who recommended the shampoo and conditioner to him, and he agreed to meet her at night. She then revealed that she’s really Gisele, and her plan was to embarrass him. Brady went into hiding, but realized that because he didn’t go out in public, he no longer has an increased libido because he didn’t shower.
Tom Brady: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest quarterback of them all?
Mirror Tom Brady: Famed is thy quarterbacking, your majesty, but I see a fairer maiden in Baltimore.
Tom Brady: What!? That’s bullsh… wait, wait, I almost forgot what I learned. Mirror, mirror, I have learned something today.
Mirror Tom Brady: Are you going to tell me what it is, or am I going to have to keep staring at you?
Tom Brady: Mirror, mirror, I stopped using shampoo and conditioner because I didn’t leave the house, and I stopped having an increased sexual libido and hair everywhere on my body.
Mirror Tom Brady: How very interesting. Can I go now?
Tom Brady: NO, LISTEN, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Mirror, mirror, I am happier now, happier than I was when I was a barber and a massag… I mean masseur. It turns out that I was using shampoo and conditioner for nothing!
Mirror Tom Brady: If I pretend to care, will you stop talking to me?
Tom Brady: Mirror, mirror, please stop interrupting me. Because I am happier than ever before, I’m going back to my roots. I’m going to play football again rather than going to other vocations. And I’m not going to shower at all. If I don’t use shampoo and conditioner, I won’t have increased libido and hair everywhere on my body!
Mirror Tom Brady: Why didn’t you just buy Head & Shoulders like a normal person?
Tom Brady: Because I’m not a normal person. Mirror, mirror, I used to think I was the fairest of them all. I used to think I was the greatest at everything. Now, I’ve learned that I’m not nearly as good as anyone at anything except for football. Mirror, mirror, I am humble.
Mirror Tom Brady: Oh cool, I care so much.
Tom Brady: Thank you, mirror, mirror. You are such a good friend. It’s great that you’ll always be here whenever I need to talk to you. K bye!
Mirror Tom Brady: Oh dear lord, can someone please break me so I don’t have to talk to that dolt again!?
Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.
Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was stuck in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.
Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected Preisdent of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.
After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. He sat down with a reporter for a one-on-one interview to express his feelings, but only because the police confiscated his shampoo and conditioner. He met with Gisele, thinking she may have possessed his brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, Gisele was the one responsible for the raid. She wants to see Brady as dirty and smelly as possible. Brady was advised to try a new brand of shampoo and conditioner, but there the side effects were that his sexual libido increased. Brady contacted Linda Holliday, who recommended the shampoo and conditioner to him, and he agreed to meet her at night. She then revealed that she’s really Gisele, and her plan was to embarrass him. Brady went into hiding, but realized that because he didn’t go out in public, he no longer has an increased libido because he didn’t shower.
Tom Brady: Mr. Kraft, Mr. Kraft, I’m glad you’re out of prison for paying me for sex!
Robert Kraft: You? What do you mean, you!? I was getting a massage from the beautiful Tonya Brady! I was going to ask her to marry me!
Tom Brady: That was me, Mr. Kraft. Whoopsie!
Robert Kraft: Well, I feel stupid. I have kissed you before, so I guess it’s not all bad.
Tom Brady: No, it’s great that you were arrested! I’ve learned a very important thing because you went to prison for paying for massages, so I’m glad you were locked up for a while.
Robert Kraft: What did you learn, Tom?
Tom Brady: I learned that I need to be humble. That means not showering and also realizing that I’m not the greatest at everything. I’m not the greatest barber, or the greatest golfer or the greatest masseur.
Robert Kraft: I think you mean massager.
Tom Brady: You’ve gotta be kidding me! I THOUGHT IT WAS MASSEUR, AND NOW YOU’RE SAYING IT’S MASSAGER!
Robert Kraft: Trust me, Tom. I read it on a napkin I found in an Arby’s trash can.
Tom Brady: Well, whatever. Mr. Kraft, I have learned that it’s OK to be the greatest in the world at only one thing, and that’s football for me.
Robert Kraft: Does that mean you’ll be playing football again?
Tom Brady: Yes! I’m going to play football and be the best quarterback ever, and I know I will be. I just hope the rest of my team forgives me for not showering at all. I’m going to be stinky by November!
Robert Kraft: That’s fine by me, Tom. As someone who has spent lots of time in Arby’s trash cans, I imagine that I won’t even notice.
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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