2018 Random College Football Notes








Random College Football Notes: Week 17:

1. I've been wanting to rant about this all year, but it kept slipping my mind. Well, better late than never. I want you to look at the score graphic of this picture. Quickly, tell me what quarter it is:

If you studied this for more than 10 seconds, you know that it's the second quarter. However, if you just glanced at it for a second, you might think that it's the first quarter. That's because the "1st" is right below the time. If you're not paying attention, it looks like there's 2:55 remaining in the first quarter!

Maybe I'm just slow, but this has gotten me a few times this year. And it's pissed me off repeatedly. If you display a time, why not put the quarter next to the time? Doesn't that make sense? Why would ESPN separate the time and the quarter like that?

The easy solution would be to switch the "2nd ... 18" with the "1st & 10." The better solution would be to fire almost everyone at ESPN for utter incompetence, but we can only dream, right?




2. I can't remember which game it was earlier this season when one team made a huge play, but the play was negated by penalty. A player was called for being an ineligible man downfield, since, as the stupid-looking official put it, "he was covered up."

I think I speak for everyone when I say that dumb procedural penalties like this need to go away. It doesn't benefit the game in any way, and it ruins great plays. I'd be up for making the rules more lenient. Stuff like this makes the game more frustrating, and it opens up opportunities for officials to nullify big plays in order to sway the spread in one direction or another. And believe me, this happens very often.

3. With the college football playoffs soon under way, this is a reminder to be careful what you wish for. A couple of years ago, Washington fans made it known that they wanted their team to take on Alabama in the playoffs. The Tide, of course, obliterated the Huskies. It was fun to look back at this point in time to see what the Washington fans were thinking. Here was a live shot:









Random College Football Notes: Week 16:

1. I hope everyone has enjoyed the bowl games thus far. I have not. I haven't watched a single second of that garbage.

I've always hated bowl games. Prior to the playoffs being established, I had always protested these games. That's because they don't mean anything at all. They're really just postseason exhibition contests, made possible just because of sponsorships. A company will buy the rights to a game, and that's the only reason they're played. All of this seems like a waste of time, especially for the players, who don't see a single dime of this big money coming in, which is why more and more players are sitting out these postseason exhibition contests, and rightfully so. Call me crazy, but if I made someone a crap ton of money, I'd at least want a cut of it!

I'm not saying the NCAA or colleges should pay its players. However, the players should be able to freely make money off their likeness and their name. Someone like Will Grier, who is sitting out his postseason exhibition contest, should be able to sign with a shoe company or energy drink company to earn money via promotions. I don't see what's wrong with that at all.

Anyway, I found it interesting that there was a Cheez-It Bowl. I doubt Cheez-It will see increased sales from sponsoring a meaningless football game. At least, not from me. I do know someone who loves Cheez-Its. In fact, he was staying at someone else's house a few years ago. He asked one of the homeowners if they happened to have Cheez-Its for him to eat, since they usually do, and when he was told that they didn't, he whined and complained about them not having Cheez-Its for him - and yet he was invited there to stay overnight for free!

I wanted to share this story with you during the bowl season. Whether or not you watch these crappy games, don't be a douche like Cheez-It Guy.

2. One of the announcers during a recent game said the following:

"The first college football game was in 1869 with Rutgers playing Princeton. That's yet one more thing you can thank New Jersey for."

Wait, what? What exactly are we thanking the Armpit of America for? The horrible round-abouts? The toxic waste dump shores? The notorious speed-trap roads? The Situation and Snooki? The fat guy who closed down a beach so he could hang out there himself? The people who voted in the guy who traveled overseas to sleep with 10-year-old girls?

Please, someone, help me understand what we need to thank New Jersey for.

3. This happened earlier in the year, but I forgot to post it. For those of you who haven't seen it, enjoy the worst onside kick ever:









Random College Football Notes: Week 15:

1. Congratulations to, umm, uhh, wait a second... who won the Heisman? Let me look it up. Oh, Kyler Murray. Oh, cool. Congrats, umm, wait I forgot who won the Heisman already. Fortunately, I can look back at a previous sentence rather than Google searching it again.

Kyler Murray. Kyler Murray won the Heisman. Great. Congrats, umm... who was it again?

If you couldn't tell, I don't really care who won the Heisman. The award is bogus. Alabama's Quinnen Williams should've won it this year for dominating in the trenches against LSU and Georgia, yet he wasn't even a finalist. Meanwhile, Murray torched horrible Big XII defenses all year that can't tackle. What a joke.

The Heisman has become so irrelevant. I don't think I can name any of the past five winners besides Lamar Jackson, and that's only because I recently became surprised to learn that Jackson won the Heisman. I imagine that I won't even know that umm... what's-his-name won it in 2018 in a few months.

2. Weeks ago, I posted about digital down markers. I saw one in an early-season game, but thought I may have been imagining things. However, a recent Alabama game had a digital down marker. I had to take a picture of it to prove to all of you that I'm not crazy!



Ignore the hot cheerleaders at the bottom. Look at the giant "2" on the left side of the picture. There it is. The digital down marker.

I told you that this thing existed, and none of you believed me! None of you!

But really though, if football finally developed the technology to have digital down markers, why do most games still feature non-digital down markers? Are they too expensive? Is this still an experiment? Has the FDA not approved them for all states? I really want to know why we're still living in the stone ages with non-digital down markers in most games!

3. This might just be a pet peeve of mine, but I can't stand it when football announcers - particularly those in college football - refer to fast-paced offenses as "NASCAR tempo." I heard this twice on a recent Saturday, and I nearly threw my laptop at the TV.

What the hell does that mean, anyway? Yes, the cars drive fast, but I don't think NASCAR tempo can be described the same way. NASCAR is f***ing boring as hell. It's just cars driving around in a circle. If you wanted to see that, just go to the local highway, park a lawn chair on the side of the road, and just observe. If that doesn't sound entertaining, then that's NASCAR in a nutshell. NASCAR tempo is slow and stupid. Stop describing fast offenses that way!







Random College Football Notes: Week 14:

1. Let's get to the important stuff first. This past weekend was the infamous Dr. Pepper Challenge, where two contestants throw footballs into giant, fake Dr. Pepper cans for the right to win $100,000 in tuition. The contestants in the early game were a cute girl who wanted to use the $100,000 to become a nurse practitioner. The short, chubby girl wanted to use the $100,000 to go to grad school so she could become... umm... a social... worker...?

Yes. A social worker. I'm not making this up.

There's nothing wrong with social workers in general. But there's something wrong with them if they think they have to go to f***ing grad school to become a social worker. Holy s**t, no wonder so many college graduates are in serious debt. College is mostly a waste to begin with, yet these idiots think that going to school for further eductation to become something other than a doctor or lawyer is necessary? Who conned these people into thinking that? I don't even think you need a high school diploma to be a social worker!

Anyway, the challenge began, and both girls began throwing the balls with chest passes, like old grandmas. The crowd instantly began booing, and rightfully so. These a**holes didn't deserve the $100,000 for cheating the competition.

The cute girl who wanted to be the nurse practitioner ended up winning. I was happy to see that because I want the short, chubby girl to be in debt for the rest of her life for making stupid choices.

2. For my second point, let's discuss... the second Dr. Pepper Challenge! This one occurred during halftime of the SEC Championship. I was looking forward to it because I figured that since the first Dr. Pepper Challenge was between two women, this would have two men battling each other. I wanted to see this because the men would throw normal passes, rather than grandma chest throws.

Instead, we had two women again. Neither aspired to be a social worker, thank God, but they both used chest passes. As I was watching this, it made me realize something:

The Dr. Pepper Challenge is biased against men.

A real man wouldn't be caught dead using grandma chest passes, yet it's easier to fit the ball through the hole using that technique, which is why all four participants were women. Dr. Pepper needs to establish a men's bracket and a women's bracket to even the playing field. They then could have the women's final in the first game and the men's final in the second game. That would make it way more fair.

As you can tell, I've put lots of thought into this. You might be asking yourself, "Walt, why do you care so much?" And to that, I say, I have no idea.

3. I've saved the real college football talk for last. The four teams in the college football ended up being Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame and Oklahoma. I said last week that the Oklahoma-Ohio State spot would go to the team that was more impressive in their championship victory. Ohio State struggled to put Northwestern away, while Oklahoma beat the only team it lost to. This quartet is correct.

However, this whole process is not. Ohio State deserves a chance. I'd love to see Georgia keep playing. Central Florida will once again be the co-national champions if they win in their bowl game.

Again, here's what an eight-team field would look like:

1. Alabama
8. Central Florida

4. Oklahoma
5. Ohio State

3. Notre Dame
6. Georgia

2. Clemson
7. Michigan

I don't know about you, but that would be absolutely amazing. Yet, it's depressing. Because while it should happen, it won't, all because the NCAA presidents are idiots who don't understand how much money they could be making.

If you're an NCAA president reading this - a stretch, I know, since most of them probably don't know how to use the Internet - install an eight-team playoff like this. For f***s sake, just do it. No one can stop you. It would make everyone happy, and you'll be richer. Just do it. Please.




Random College Football Notes: Week 13:

1. The latest college football playoff rankings come out in a few hours. I'm going to guess it'll look like this:

1. Alabama
2. Clemson
3. Notre Dame
4. Central Florida

Whoops. I thought that college football was a fair sport for a second. How dumb of me.

Here's how it'll really look:

1. Alabama
2. Clemson
3. Notre Dame
4. Georgia
5. Ohio State
6. Oklahoma

The caveat here is that Alabama plays Georgia in the SEC Championship, so that is effectively the Bulldogs' play-in playoff game. If Georgia loses, it'll be between Oklahoma versus Ohio State for the fourth and final spot, and it really might come down to which team is more impressive next weekend. The fact that the playoffs contain just four teams is really punishing this whole process. How do you differentiate between Oklahoma and Ohio State at this point? If both win next week, the team that comes in fifth is going to feel absolutely cheated.

2. Let's imagine for a second that the people running college football were remotely intelligent. I know, I know, that's like hypothetically wondering what it would be like if dogs could speak, but hear me out.

It would be great if the college football playoff were comprised of 16 teams, but eight at this point would feel like a huge victory. This would solve lots of problems. First, close calls like Oklahoma versus Ohio State wouldn't exist. Sure, eight versus nine would be an argument, but both of those squads would likely have at least two losses, so no one should feel nearly as bad about being No. 9 instead of No. 8. Second, it would allow an undefeated mid-major like Central Florida to compete for the title so you wouldn't have them boasting that they're co-national champions, or anything. And third, it would make the college football presidents a s**t ton of money so they could buy eighth yachts and 12th mansions, which they sorely need.

Here's what an eight-team bracket would look like:

1. Alabama
8. Central Florida

4. Georgia
5. Ohio State

3. Notre Dame
6. Oklahoma

2. Clemson
7. Michigan

How fun would that be? Tons of people would watch, as people in offices would fill out brackets, just like they do for basketball. It would make college football much better, so I don't know how the inept college presidents don't seem to understand this.

3. We just saw one of the longest college football games in history, as Texas A&M defeated LSU in seven overtimes. Everyone was talking it up on Twitter, and I imagine that the consensus was that this was one of the most thrilling football games ever.

Call me a contrarian, but I didn't share that opinion. I thought it was tiresome.

I don't like the college football overtime format. It's so easy to score, and that's why there were seven overtimes. I prefer the NFL model, though you could make it so that a touchdown on the opening possession doesn't automatically win the game (unless a team goes for two and gets it.) I'd like that much better because it would feel like real football. College football overtime reminds me of penalty kicks in soccer, except that soccer sucks in its entirety, so maybe that's not the best comparison.




Random College Football Notes: Week 12:

1. Let's talk about Ed Oliver's jacket situation. For those who didn't see it, Oliver, one of the top players in the country, was forced to remove a jacket he was wearing that simply had the word "Houston" on it by Houston Cougars head coach Major Applewhite. Applewhite was angry about Oliver wearing the jacket because only starters were supposed to be wearing the jacket, and Oliver wasn't playing in that particular game because of an injury.

This seems like the dumbest story of all time to me. Why in hell would a coach be so furious about a stupid jacket? Who cares if the starters wear it? Oliver is your best player. He's injured. Just let him wear the damn jacket if he wants to. It's not the end of the world if he does it.

I feel like this ordeal just makes Applewhite look horrible. Oliver is going to be a superstar in the NFL one day, and high schoolers looking at Houston as a potential school will know what Applewhite did. Applewhite will be known as the guy who disrespected Oliver, and so Houston might lose out on some potential prized recruits for this. No high schooler is going to think, "Man, I really want to play for Coach Applewhite. He really showed Oliver what's up when he made him take off that jacket." No! They're going to think, "I'd like to play for Houston, but Coach Appledouche made Ed Oliver take off a jacket during a game. I don't want to play for him."

Congrats, Coach. You got the jacket off your star player. You should be proud.

2. You know those commercials ESPN airs to promote the college football playoff announcement? They show this giant bracket with various teams on it. The teams change, indicating that it'll be a surprise as to which four are in the predicted bracket. If you've watched ESPN at all, you must have seen it.

Well, I noticed something funny about it. As the brackets were flipping through teams, I caught glimpses of some odd schools. I froze my TV and took a picture of it, just to make sure:



Yeah, there it is. Tune into ESPN's college football playoff announcement show, where you can see a college football bracket comprised of Wisconsin, UAB, Boise State and Army!

Wow, what a quartet that is! I can't wait to watch Wisconsin take on UAB, and then Army battle Boise State for the right to play for the national championship!

Oh, wait? This can't happen? Oh, that's right. Because Central Florida, which has been undefeated for almost two years now, can't even get into the top 10 of voting!

I can't believe ESPN would insult our intelligence like this. Why would it lead the audience to believe UAB, Boise State and Army have a chance at the college football playoff? Even if they were undefeated - which they're not - they wouldn't even sniff the top 10. The whole system is corrupt, and...

Wait a second... did I just say, "I can't believe ESPN would insult our intelligence like this?" Wow, that was a dumb thing to write.

3. Speaking of Central Florida, I'd like a second to praise ESPN for its guest picker on College Game Day. ESPN had some excellent choices like many of the talented players to come through Central Florida, including Daunte Culpepper, or perhaps someone popular like Tosh.0.

Instead, ESPN went with Maury Povich. Wow, what a great pick. If I were to compile a list of Central Florida alumni to be the guest picker, Povich would've been in 12,716th place, right behind Allen Weiss, President of Worldwide Operations at Walt Disney Parks and Resorts, and the alligator encaged at the Central Florida Zoo. Part of the reason for this is that Povich isn't even a UCF alumnus, as he went to the University of Pennsylvania, but I'm not sure why that would matter.

No one would've guessed Povich would be the guest picker, but leave it to ESPN to keep us on our toes. This sort of interesting decision-making is why ESPN has been such a successful company over the years, and why their employees have enjoyed the best job security in the world.




Random College Football Notes: Week 11:

1. The college football rankings heading into this week weren't a surprise. Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame and Michigan seems very reasonable, and Georgia would definitely take over for Michigan in the event that it beats Alabama in the SEC Championship. I don't think anyone would dispute that. The Tide would still have to be included, as they happen to be a better team than Michigan. Both teams would have one loss, so I don't see why the Wolverines would be slotted higher than Alabama. The NCAA could always expand to eight teams, but we all know how slow they are to change. It took 150 years to get a proper four-team playoff!

There's one embarrassing aspect of the playoff rankings, and that would be Central Florida at No. 12. I didn't expect the defending co-national champion Golden Knights to be rated highly, or anything, but how could it be that they were one spot below two-loss Kentucky last week? That makes absolutely no sense to me, and it seems completely unjust.

If you were to tell me that in the event that the top seven teams in college football disbanded in the wake of some sort of tragedy, the fourth team in the college football playoff, joining Washington State, West Virginia and Ohio State would be Kentucky, and not Central Florida, I'd be irate. Really? The NCAA would put a two-loss Kentucky squad into the field rather than an undefeated team? How is that remotely fair?

I've said it countless times, and I'll say it again: If the NCAA doesn't give teams like Central Florida a legitimate chance to reach the playoffs, they should just drop them into the 1-AA ranks. There is no point in having Central Florida in 1-A if it can't compete for a playoff spot as a 2-year undefeated program.

2. One team nowhere close to the college football playoff would be Kansas, yet the Jayhawks were in the news because former LSU head coach Les Miles has expressed interest in coaching there.

Almost every single response on Twitter was negative about this. Here are some examples:



For LSU, it was a no-brainer for them to get rid of Miles. Les Miles, More Saban. But I always thought Miles was unjustly compared to Nick Saban. He's the best college football coach of our era, maybe even of all time, so LSU fans expecting Miles to replicate what Saban accomplished was foolish.

However, the expectations at Kansas aren't very high. Miles always had LSU competitive, and I think he could make the Jayhawks respectable, at the very least. That's all Kansas is looking for right now, anyway. They're completely irrelevant, but Miles will have them playing in bowl games most years. He won't win a championship there, and everyone knows that, yet I think that's what these Twitter people are implying. It's a dumb mindset to have. Like, really. "Hurr durr Les Miles won't win a championship in Kansas." No s**t, Sherlock. But what he can do is have them win seven or so games most years, and that's great for Kansas.

3. The Ole Miss-Texas A&M game was the worst. Ole Miss led for most of the afternoon, yet didn't cover the 13-point spread because their idiot kicker missed a 22-yard field goal. I'm so sick of losing to these pubeless idiots every week.

Making matters worse, the officiating was atrocious. The officials missed a roughing-the-punter penalty where an A&M player crashed into the plant leg of an Ole Miss punter, who was irate. The refs later negated a block in the back on an Ole Miss scoop-and-score for some reason, then ejected a Rebel player for a targeting hit where he clearly blocked a player with his shoulder. This made me say aloud, "God, football is turning into such a pu**y sport."

Then, it dawned on me that the officials in this game were just horrible. That was apparent during a punt. Ole Miss gave the ball away to Texas A&M. The Aggie player muffed the punt, but recovered it. The officials threw a flag, and I just assumed it was a block in the back of sorts, so I went downstairs to rinse out my cereal bowl (Cocoa Puffs, for those wondering.) My wife was down there and asked me to sign something, then we talked for a bit. I went back upstairs, and the officials were STILL discussing the penalty!

The CBS announcers noted how ridiculous this was as well. One of them said something like, "This is either the most complicated play in football history, or they're talking about what to gift for one of their daughters' weddings."

The other announcer chimed in, "The answer is always candlesticks!" The first guy laughed.

I did not laugh. Instead, I yelled at the TV.

"Not f***ing candlesticks, a**holes!" Give money! Always give money!"

For anyone reading this about to attend a wedding, take it from me, as I got married nearly six months ago. No one wants f***ing candlesticks. Just give money because weddings are expensive as hell.




Random College Football Notes: Week 10:

1. Let's get to the initial college football playoff rankings!

I actually agreed with the top four teams in the playoff rankings. So, I guess it's good that the college football playoff is comprised of only four teams because the order after that didn't make much sense to me. Some may argue Michigan over Georgia is strange, but that was nothing to Kentucky being ninth. Yes, Kentucky, whose sole impressive win came when Florida was missing one of its top defensive players. Kentucky, whose quarterback can't throw the ball at all. Kentucky, a team somehow ahead of Ohio State, even though the Buckeyes would be favored by a touchdown on a neutral field.

As for Georgia being behind Michigan, I realized that it didn't matter that much because the Bulldogs will be locked into a playoff spot if they win out and defeat Alabama in the SEC Championship. That's basically Georgia's first-round playoff game. If they can beat the Tide, they deserve to be in, and if they can't, that was their chance. It's cool that it works out that way so the committee doesn't have to worry about where to rank Georgia.

2. Despite some screw-ups following the top four in the initial rankings, there absolutely needs to be at least eight teams in the playoffs, and the poster child for that requirement is Central Florida.

The Golden Knights were undefeated last year and once again have a zero in the loss column. If they're undefeated again, it would be embarrassing for the NCAA not to have them in the playoff once again. Unfortunately, it's pretty clear that Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame and Georgia/Michigan are all better than Central Florida, which is why we need eight spots to include them in the field. Otherwise, they can keep saying that they're national champions, and they'll continue to gain supporters. They have one in me, as I consider them to be 2017 co-national champions with Alabama even though I believe they were far inferior to the Tide.

Now, if you're in the camp that considers all of this nonsense, and scoffs at the thought of Central Florida being in the college football playoff, I don't exactly blame you. However, if you have this mindset, I think you should also acknowledge that Central Florida, every team in its conference, and every other school in each other mid-major, should be demoted to I-AA. There's no reason for Central Florida to be in I-A if they aren't allowed to compete with the Alabamas and the Clemsons in the playoffs.

3. If you somehow didn't see the LSU girl, she was the talk of the Alabama-LSU game. She became an instant meme for her disappointed look into the camera. Here she is, in case you haven't seen her:



I love memes, so this look was more entertaining than the actual game, though perhaps that was because it was a blowout. But anyone who can create the perfect meme from her will be my absolute hero. In fact, I'll allow you to post anything that's not super controversial in here or the NFL notes section.




Random College Football Notes: Week 9:

1. I didn't mention this last week because the two teams were on a bye, but the Alabama-LSU game is already tainted by controversy. I'm talking, of course, about the Devin White suspension. White, one of the top linebackers in the collegiate ranks, has been suspended for the opening half because of a bogus helmet hit in the previous game. I didn't think it was quite the targeting penalty the officials made it out to be, but the zebras thought it was brutal enough for White to miss half of the most important game of the year.

I'm sure any non-Alabama fan will agree that this decision was absolute horse s**t. The NCAA is sabotaging its own integrity with this nonsense. How can it possibly sideline one of the best players in the SEC for a judgment call? It's not like White sexually assaulted someone, or stole something, or even cheated on a test. He was trying to make a football play and went a bit too high accidentally. That's not worth suspending him for a half of such an important game.

Here's what I would do if I were LSU: I would play White for the entire game anyway. What's the NCAA going to do if LSU does this? Take away scholarships? Give scholarships anyway! Remove bowl games? Find a sponsor and stage your own bowl game! I'd just give the NCAA the middle finger and tell it to f**k off for this nonsense.

2. Staying in the SEC, there was more fun concerning one of the Florida games recently, as you can tell by this tweet:



This Jeff person is right. One excited camera man did an upshot of one of the Florida cheerleaders as she was being hoisted up. And as Jeff said, it was incredible.

I thought about pausing the game and taking a picture so I can show you what exactly Jeff was talking about, but I quickly realized that this would make me seem creepy. The camera man was being creepy enough already - albeit in a good way - so I didn't need to add to the creepiness!

3. I've mentioned ESPN color analyst Brock Huard before. Huard is a good analyst, but he says weird things at times. I recall him nearly crying because he watched a good game, sobbing, "Thank you college football. Thank you college football."

Huard recently said something even stranger:

"He has a governor he trusts."

What does that mean, exactly? Why would a college player trust a governor? Politicians are untrustworthy, and college kids tend to be completely uninformed because they are brainwashed by their biased professors, so I thought it was irresponsible of Huard to say something like this. Hell, I don't even trust the politicians I vote for, so why would some college kid's opinion on politics matter?

Brock, and other sports writers, please stay away from politics - no matter how much you may trust your governor.




Random College Football Notes: Week 8:

1. If you've been living under a rock and somehow missed it, Nick Bosa declared for the 2019 NFL Draft last week. I graded Bosa's decision in my 2019 NFL Draft Underclassmen page.

Bosa doing this sparked a crazy debate on Twitter. Former NFL personnel man Greg Gabriel got into a fight with a sports writer of some sort, who whined about how Bosa wouldn't have needed to do that had he and other athletes been paid. The whole thread was deleted, so I can't show you what exactly was said, but Gabriel responded with something like, "They are paid. They get $200,000 worth of a college education for free."

Gabriel is absolutely right. Saying that college athletes on scholarship aren't paid is insulting. College is f***ing expensive. People who graduate from school and don't earn a very high-paying job right away go into debt with student loans. How do you think they'd feel if they were given a free ride? Going to college for free is a blessing, and no one should ignore this when discussing that college athletes aren't paid.

However, I think the NCAA is in the wrong as well. I believe that college athletes should be able to pursue their own endorsements without repercussions. For instance, if Adidas, for example, recognized Bosa as a great athlete as a freshman, they should've been able to give him money to advertise for them. Any local business, such as a car dealership, should be able to pay college students to make local commercials and whatnot. I think this is totally fair, and I don't see why the schools should have any business in what the athletes can earn for themselves. I feel like allowing this is a win-win for everyone, and I'm sure both Gabriel and the crying writer would agree.

2. Speaking of college football finances, Greg McElroy had this to say as a color analyst of one of his games:

"Vanderbilt has to invest lots of money into their college football program. Northwestern just built a $200 million facility. Vanderbilt has to do that."

Oh, OK, let's just get Vanderbilt to find $200 million laying around and build a new facility. That sounds so easy.

I don't understand McElroy's thought process. Does he think that throwing money at something will just solve all of the school's problems regarding its football program? I mean, it can't hurt the program, but what if Vanderbilt doesn't believe that bolstering the football team is a priority? Why must they throw $200 million at the program?

And besides, it's not like Northwestern's spending has done anything! The Wildcats have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation in Clayton Thorson, yet they are barely competitive because most of their other players suck. I can't imagine Vanderbilt looking at that team and thinking, "Oh boy, let's spend $200 million like Greg McElroy said we should so we can be as good as Northwestern!"

3. If you don't follow the worst teams in the Big Ten, you may have missed that a quarterback won the conference's Defensive Player of the Week for the first time in its history. That's right. A quarterback was the best defensive player in the entire Big Ten one recent week.

How is this possible, you ask? Why don't you check it out:



Yes, those are real stats. This Artur Sitkowski person went 2-of-16 for eight yards and four interceptions.

This is unreal. How is it even possible to throw for double the number of yards as interceptions? How can a quarterback toss double the number of picks as completions?

Well, I guess Rutgers deserves this. When they scanned the stands to find their quarterback, perhaps they shouldn't have picked the drunkest guy in the bleachers.




Random College Football Notes: Week 7:

1. College football is fun and all, but it boggles my mind when people claim that it's better than the NFL. The environment is great, and the girls in the stands are super hot - more on that later - but the product itself isn't that good. The players are obviously worse than the pros, and there are just way too many crappy matchups each week. Like, one of Alabama's remaining games on the slate is against The Citadel. Why the f**k is Alabama allowed to play the Citadel? Imagine if the New England Patriots' schedule looked like this:

at Dolphins
vs. Colts
vs. Chiefs
vs. Calgary Stampeders
at Bills

How dumb is that? What's the point of the Patriots playing the Stampeders, and what's the point of Alabama playing The Citadel?

Also, simple things in the NFL aren't so easy in college football. I was watching Florida-Vanderbilt, and the Commodores moved into field goal range. They were in the red zone when they stalled, and they had a 25-yard field goal lined up. The announcer ominously said, "Vandy's kicker has been struggling this year." Sure enough, the 25-yarder wasn't even close.

Now, in full disclosure, I bet on Vanderbilt, but it was so frustrating to see this. When NFL kickers miss, they whiff from about 40, which isn't horrible if you compare it to someone missing from 25. That's just miserable, especially when it costs you money. I had Vanderbilt +7.5. Florida beat Vanderbilt by 10. Had the idiot kicker nailed a 25-yarder, the +7.5 would've covered.

Again, we're relying on pubeless college kids to hit a 25-yard field goals, which is borderline impossible for some of them. That's definitely one of the reasons why college football isn't as good as the NFL.

2. Speaking of Florida, take a look at this picture, and tell me what the first thing you notice is:



Wait, what? The first thing you noticed were the brunette's boobs? How utterly sexist of you! Here are the other things you missed because of Chomp Girl's cleavage:

1. Stan Lee whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

2. The guy in front of Chomp Girl staring at her boobs (and not the game.)

3. The girl behind Chomp Girl picking her nose (or snorting cocaine.)

4. The girl to the right of Chomp Girl is asleep.

5. The girl all the way on the red appears to be knitting a sweater.

6. The old lady behind Stan Lee needs to learn which direction the football field is.

7. Someone is wearing jorts behind nose-picker/cocaine-sniffer.

There's so much action going on, and here you're staring at cleavage! Again, how sexist. OK, I'll admit that I am sexist. Because I was doing it, too.

3. Rotoworld NFL Draft writer and friend Thor Nystrom is great at what he does, but there's one person who disagrees. That person posted this on Twitter in response to one of Thor's tweets this past week:

If you?re going to write in the national media about a game/team please use the team?s proper name(s), App State or Appalachian State is appropriate not Appy. It is seen as disrespectful to that fan base.

Uhh... OK? This person referred to himself as some sort of scout. If that's true, the NFL or college team that employs him should consider firing such an unhinged individual.

This guy's post reminded me of what I used to hear during my days at Penn State. When I used to call a fraternity a "frat," the frat brothers used to get offended and say, "Don't call a fraternity a frat, bro. Do you call your country a c**t?"

My reply used to leave them looking dumb:

"No, but I call the United States of America the 'U.S.'"

Morons. Just like this "Appy State" hater.




Random College Football Notes: Week 6:

1. I know ESPN has fallen on hard times, firing hundreds of employees almost every month, but they really need to find people who know what they're talking about regarding the NFL Draft to broadcast football games. This was apparent during the Alabama-Arkansas contest. The color analyst for that game was former Crimson Tide quarterback Greg McElroy, who was overly enthusiastic about one of the current Alabama quarterbacks. And not Tua Tagovailoa.

"Jalen Hurts has 29 starts. He doesn't need to prove anything else to NFL scouts."

NFL scouts!?!??! I got the impression that Hurts was auditioning for the CFL! Why in the world would Hurts ever even be considered for the NFL when he was a liability in college? I think he could be an OK backup in the CFL because of his mobility, but citing his prospects for the NFL was quite laughable.

2. Speaking of that Alabama game, it was yet another example of a back-door cover. Last week, the Tide were back doored via two, late opposing touchdowns, two missed field goals and a dropped touchdown of their own. This week, Alabama, favored by 35, was up by 41 with 13 seconds remaining when Arkansas scored a garbage touchdown, covering the spread.

Alabama lost the spread by one point. One single point. And this single point was significant because their kicker missed an extra point earlier in the game!

I don't know who this Alabama kicker is, but I wrote last week that he doesn't have his pubes yet. I was just speculating, but I think we can confirm it now. That, or he's legitimately betting against his own team. What a dick!

Nick Saban, by the way, has been steamed that his team isn't covering. He's looked miffed the past two weeks late in the fourth quarter. Saban seems to want to beat the number, so he really should consider playing Tagovailoa for the entire game.

3. Let's talk about a game I won. I had Florida State +14 over Miami. The Seminoles nearly won the game outright, but blew a 27-7 lead.

There were two significant things to come from this ACC battle. The first involved the sideline reporter:



What's that around her neck? Is... is that the Miami turnover chain!? Holy crap, Allison Williams stole the Miami turnover chain to add to her jewelry collection!

Meanwhile, color analyst Brock Huard gave us the usual cliches. He literally said this during the broadcast:

"Big players make big plays in big games."

Oh wow, I've never heard that before. When the game was over, Huard sounded like he was going to cry because he was able to watch a great game.

"Thank you, college football," he said. "Thank you so much, college football."

I cried nearly as much hours later when Virginia Tech blew a close game against Notre Dame because of some fumbles.




Random College Football Notes: Week 5:

1. I'd be remiss if I didn't address one of the top stories this week, which was Clemson quarterback Trevor Lawrence getting knocked out of the game with a concussion. This wouldn't have been a big deal a couple of weeks ago because Clemson had a stellar backup in... umm... Trevor Lawrence. Incumbent quarterback Kelly Bryant was the starter then, but the Clemson coaching staff correctly identified that Lawrence was the superior talent, so it named him the starter. This pissed off Bryant, who decided to transfer. Thus, he was unavailable when Lawrence was knocked out of the game.

Clemson trailed Syracuse 23-13 and seemed in danger of losing. The Tigers managed to put together a great comeback, however, and they eked out a victory.

ESPN's telecast criticized Bryant for transferring, calling him selfish for abandoning his team. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous. So, because Clemson thought it needed an upgrade at quarterback, Bryant was just supposed to sit on the bench? That seems extremely unfair. Think about it this way: If you had a job, and you were very good - not great - at it, and your boss decided to hire a young hot shot to take your place, do you not try to get another job? Or do you just sulk and remain jobless?

Bryant made the right choice, and he shouldn't have considered the Tigers whatsoever. His coaching staff abandoned him; not the other way around. Bryant was 16-2 as a starter. It's not like he failed the Tigers. He gave them 16 wins, with only two losses. He gave his team a terrific record, but the coaching staff didn't think it was good enough. So, why was he required to stick around?

If dumb ESPN people want to blame anyone, why not the Clemson boosters? If the Clemson boosters paid Bryant enough to stay on the team, the Tigers could've had a great option in the wake of Lawrence's injury. I'm sure they wouldn't have had to pay him as much as they give to Lawrence, but more funds should've been considered. The Clemson boosters should've recognized how important having a strong backup quarterback is in the wake of the Philadelphia Eagles' Super Bowl run. They did not, and they nearly paid the price as a result.

2. The bad beats continue for the college football picks. Alabama looked like it was going to cover, up 49-0 and 56-7 in the fourth quarter, but lost the spread because of an insane series of events. The Alabama kicker missed a 24-yard field goal to start, which clearly pissed off Nick Saban. The Alabama coach yelled angrily, and he was even more furious when his kicker whiffed on his next try. He missed from 32 yards, doinking it off the right upright. This happened right after an Alabama player dropped a touchdown.

Still, this looked like it was going to be a push at -49 - I never thought I'd push on 49 before - but Alabama's defense gave up, leaving a Rajun Cajun player wide open in the end zone for the back-door touchdown.

So, with four minutes remaining Louisiana snuck inside the spread. I assumed Alabama would just kneel down, but Saban called plays, and Alabama got down to the Louisiana 15-yard line. Unfortunately, time expired. If there were a minute or two remaining on the clock, Alabama would've scored again, barring another drop or missed field goal.

People ask me why I don't post more than five college football picks per week. It's because I think betting on 18-, 19- and 20-year-old kids is a foolish thing to do. I don't even trust 18-, 19- and 20-year-old kids to shovel the snow on my driveway properly, yet I'm going to invest my hard-earned money on them to cover the spread in a football game? Get the f**k out of here. The Alabama kicker still has his pubes growing in; no wonder he missed two chip-shot field goals!

3. It's been 12 years since I used to cover Penn State football for the Centre Daily Times. If I were still penning the Walt's World of Sports column, I'd probably discuss how Penn State blew a game it absolutely should have won. The Nittany Lions led for most of the evening, owning a 12-point lead at one point in the second half. However, a lost fumble turned into a touchdown, a missed field goal and some horrible tackling helped Ohio State take a one-point lead. Penn State, however, still had a chance to pull the upset, but had one of the worst play-calls I've seen in a long time. Confronted with a fourth-and-5, Penn State ran the ball on a read option despite Ohio State stuffing the run the entire night. Quarterback Trace McSorley had been terrific all evening, so how could Penn State take the ball out of his hands?

I'd probably discuss how the person who was responsible for that horrible run should be fired, but I'm now preoccupied by other things. Much earlier in the game, there was an instance in which there were four personal foul penalties on one play: one on Penn State, three on Ohio State. Yet, all the penalties offset, so nothing happened.

How the hell does that make any sense? I know that's how most offsetting penalties are conducted, but why should something offset if one team has two more personal fouls than the other? Shouldn't the team with fewer personal fouls benefit? Why doesn't that happen?

It's so stupid and it makes no sense. I feel like I'm losing my mind about this. Maybe the Penn State play-caller was preoccupied with the same thoughts, and if so, that would totally excuse that zone-read run.




Random College Football Notes: Week 4:

1. I was 9-6 in my college picks heading into Week 4. However, I was 1-4 last weekend, and it was amazing how horrible the beats were. I lost an eight combined units (plus the juice) on miserable fourth-quarter misfortune. If you don't know, here's what happened:

- Alabama, at -27, was covering in the fourth quarter. The Tide had A&M stopped to force a fourth down, but a defender brought down the quarterback by a horse-collar tackle. Minutes later, A&M threw the back-door touchdown. Alabama didn't try to score again because it took Tua Tagovailoa out of the game.

- Oregon, at +2, was winning the entire game. The ENTIRE game. Stanford didn't even get their first lead until overtime. Oregon was up 24-7, but had numerous fumbles in the second half. The Ducks had the opportunity to run out the clock, but instead of kneeling down, the idiot coach had them run real plays, and of course, Oregon fumbled. Stanford kicked the tying field goal to send the game to overtime. Naturally, Stanford prevailed, as the officials missed an obvious pass interference in the end zone when Oregon had the ball.

- Iowa, at +3, was winning most of the game. The defense was terrific, but because a defender fell down, Wisconsin threw a touchdown with 50 seconds remaining to win and cover with the extra point. It was going to be a spread loss by one point until Wisconsin scored a touchdown of an Iowa turnover when a Hawkeye receiver had the ball bounce out of his hands and into the arms of a defender.

This weekend was so tilting, and it was a reminder of how difficult it is to handicap football. You can have the right side in three games, yet lose all three due to horrible variance.

2. Todd McShay's quarterback rankings appeared in a graphic during one of the games this weekend. Let's take a look:



I can't say we agree with McShay at all. We have Finley as a Round 2-3 prospect in our 2019 NFL Draft Quarterback Prospect Rankings. And where is Justin Herbert? The Oregon signal-caller is in the top 5-10 of almost every single 2019 NFL Mock Draft. Of course, everyone has their own opinion, and McShay just might hate Herbert. If so, I'm curious to hear his opinion on him, especially after Herbert's amazing performance against Stanford. I just hope it's not "Herbert isn't tall enough," which would be a confusing rebuttal, given that Herbert is 6-foot-6.

3. College football is great, but it certainly has its flaws. Unnecessary ejections, tons of crappy games and a playoff pool that is way too small are some of the issues. Another problem I have with it is something that TV analysts say sometimes when calling a team/player the best in NCAA football. They say something like the following:

"He's the best player in the country."

This may seem innocuous to you, and if so, it probably means you're sane, unlike me. The term "in the country" really bothers me because it's not true. Saying, for example, "Alabama is the best team in the country" is simply false, no matter how good Nick Saban's bunch is. You know why they're not the best team in the country? Because they're not in the f***ing NFL! I'd say the New England Patriots are the best team in the country. You might disagree. You could say that the Philadelphia Eagles are the best team in the country, or that the Kansas City Chiefs are the best team in the country, or that the Jacksonville Jaguars are the best team in the country. Those are arguments you can make. But you can't say Alabama is the best team in the country!

Now, I get it. These analysts are referring to college football; not the NFL. So, why not specify it then? Why not say, "He's the best player in college football" or "Alabama is the best team in NCAA football?" Those are accurate statements - unlike anything involving the country!




Random College Football Notes: Week 3:

1. I don't know if it was my hangover Saturday morning, but I heard the weirdest thing during the Oklahoma-Iowa State game. The Cyclones scored a touchdown to open the second half to trim the margin to 24-17. Going into commercial, a computerized voice began speaking...

"The Cyclones have scored quickly to open the second half, and it's now a one-score game. Can they stop the Sooners and get a chance to tie? Find out right after this!"

It was the same voice you hear in the other promos, and it was just weird. It's as if ESPN had a robot set up to speak, and someone just filled in the blanks for what the voice had to say. I didn't like it one bit, as it's further evidence that artificial intelligence will destroy us all one day.

2. Speaking of technological advances, I've seen something strange on the sidelines recently: digital down markers. Yes, the numbers you see to signify what down it is were digital in one game. I know, crazy, right?

I actually saw this in the first college football game I watched this year. I can't remember what game it was - damn hangover - but the down markers were definitely digital. I was going to remark at how football had finally entered the 21st century, but all of the down markers I've seen since haven't been digital.

What the hell is up with that? Were the digitial down markers an experiment? Is the NCAA going to needlessly review this after the season to determine if this should be installed permanently? If so, what will happen to the non-digital markers? Will they be destroyed or given to charity? And why aren't there chips in balls yet so we don't need any of this at all?

3. Last week, I pointed out that CBS' Gary Danielson gave us an Emmitt-ism when he said, "He was collisioned." Now, someone gave us a pair of Millen-isms:

"Jeffery Simmons was out getting a blow."

Then...

"He's on the sidelines, relaxing and getting a blow."

And if that's not bad enough...

"He was c**ing hard while getting a blow."

OK, maybe I made that last one up.




Random College Football Notes: Week 2:

1. I was glad that Alabama covered versus Arkansas State, as it was one of the three-unit selections I had on my College Football Picks page. However, while watching the game, I wondered why it was even taking place.

This matchup was embarrassing. Arkansas State had no business being on the same field as Alabama. It was just sad, and it made me question why Arkansas State, and schools of its caliber, are even in Division 1-A, or whatever they call that nowadays. If the best team from that conference - Arkansas State is favored to win the Sun Belt - couldn't even come close to competing with the Tide, then why are the two being matched up together?

If there aren't enough games to determine which teams are the best, so we can seed them into the playoffs, then Division I-A teams shouldn't be able to schedule cream puffs like Arkansas State. The NCAA really should relegate nonsense conferences like the Sun Belt to Division I-AA.

2. Emmitt hasn't been a TV analyst in nearly 10 years - I really miss him - but we may have found his replacement in CBS' Gary Danielson, who said this gem during the Georgia-South Carolina game:

"He collisioned him."

Really? "Collisioned?" Is that worse than "debacled?" I kind of think it is. Emmitt was in his first year as a TV analyst, while Danielson has been working for CBS for decades. Besides, "debacled" is so much cooler than "collisioned."

3. I forgot to mention this last week, but I had quite the laugh when seeing pictures of defeated Miami fans during the team's blowout loss...



That, however, is nothing compared to how Miami players looked, even when wearing their precious Turnover Chain:






Random College Football Notes: Week 1:

1. There was a ton of talk this offseason about whether or not Central Florida should be considered a co-national champion from 2017. I say yes. The Golden Knights went undefeated, yet were unable to get a chance to take on Alabama, which lost a game. If a non-major-conference team goes undefeated, it should have an automatic invite into the college football playoff. If you don't agree, then the following needs to happen:

All non-major conferences need to be relegated to Division I-AA, or the FCS, or whatever they call it now.

If you're not going to give these teams a fair chance to compete for the championship, then they shouldn't be in Division I-A. It's that simple. Why are they in 1-A if they can't compete for the 1-A championship? It's absurd.

2. If you're new to this site, you may not know that we post College Football Picks each week as well. I don't cover every game as I do with the NFL, but I will have at least five picks posted each week. I was 3-2, +$200 in Week 1, so it was nice to get off to a good start.

3. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I'm glad college girls, erm, college football is back!




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