2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 12
Week 11 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3) – Previously: #1 – DeSean Jackson. LeSean McCoy. Jeremy Maclin. Jason Avant. Brent Celek. Jerome Harrison.
   
   As if QB Dog Killer didn’t have enough weapons to work with, the Eagles have added one more to put them over the top (thanks to Facebook friend Gabe I. for this):
   
   
   
   Interesting move, Eagles. Reid won’t drop any passes because his gravitational force will suck any football thrown his way into an orbit around his body. However, there’s always a chance Reid could mistake the football for a hamburger and eat it.
   
   
2. New England Patriots (8-2) – Previously: #2 – The Patriots look awesome. Tom Brady and his beautiful hair might just be unstoppable.
   
   More Eagles: Was anyone else sick of all the a** kissing that the l-word biased ESPN did for QB Dog Killer after the Sunday night game? Steve Levy, Linda Cohn and Trent Dilfer continuously praised QB Dog Killer, calling him overly mature among other great things. Maturity was never the issue; it’s the fact that he’s pure evil.
   
   Anyway, in case you missed the a** kissing fest, I have a recap for you:
   
   Linda Cohn: Michael Vick is so mature, Trent. How did that happen?
   
   Trent Dilfer: MICHAEL – VICK – IS – UUUUUNSTOPPABLE – IF – OTHER – TEEEEAMS – TRY – THE – SAAAAAME – GAAAAAME – PLAN – THE – GIANTS – USED – THEY – WILL – BE – EMBAAAAARRASSED.
   
   Steve Levy: I want to lick Michael Vick’s balls, Trent. Why do you think that is?
   
   Trent Dilfer: MICHAEL – VICK – IS – IIIIIINCREDIBLE – I – KIND – OF – WANT – TO – LICK – HIS – BAAAALLS – TOO.
   
   Linda Cohn: Trent Dilfer, you know everything there is to know about football. How did Michael Vick improve so much as a person?
   
   Trent Dilfer: MICHAEL – VICK – IS – THE – GREATEST – HUUUMAN – BEEEEING – ALIVE.
   
   Steve Levy: I couldn’t agree more, Trent. When I bang my wife tonight, I’ll be thinking about Michael Vick. Why do you think that is, Trent?
   
   Trent Dilfer: MICHAEL – VICK – IS – SUUUPER SEEEXY. I THIIIINK ABOUT HIM AAAAAALL THE TIIIIME.
   
   
3. New York Jets (8-2) – Previously: #3 – Shame on all those New York “fans” who left the game early when Houston was up 27-23 with about 50 seconds remaining. There was never any doubt that Mark Sanchez would be able to lead his team to victory; the Jets always find ways to win, and the Texans always find ways to lose. Way too easy.
   
   Speaking of which, ESPN revealed that Sanchez is a big fan of musicals. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. No, really. If Sanchez wants to watch musicals and join the Village People on tour in the offseason, that’s his business.
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) – Previously: #4 – If you somehow missed it, Richard Seymour punched Ben Roethlisberger in the head/helmet in the second quarter of the Raiders-Steelers game, and was subsequently ejected.
   
   Did Roethlisberger say a racist slur to Seymour? Did he insult his mother? Did he call him a “poopy-head” or a “pee-pee” brain? No. Seymour simply is a gentleman and was displeased with how Roethlisberger treats women. When Seymour hit Roethlisberger, he actually cried out, “You will not harm women anymore!”
   
   Move over, Jerry Springer. Seymour is the new ultra male feminist.
   
   
5. Green Bay Packers (7-3) – Previously: #6 – Congratulations to the Packers for two things:
   
   1. Getting two coaches fired by blowing out their respective teams.
   
   2. Being smarter than Bears fans. Check out this picture, courtesy of Awesome Kelly in Arizona:
   
   
   
   
6. New Orleans Saints (7-3) – Previously: #8 – I was going to put the Saints higher in these power rankings, but Mike Carey called yet another mysterious holding penalty to bring New Orleans back down to No. 6. Sorry, Saints fans.
   
   But New Orleans is back. This team looks even better than the one that won the Super Bowl.
   
   Of course, Marshawn Lynch’s ineptitude helped the cause. Not only did he fumble twice in Saints territory; he had a run of -82 yards and then morphed into a white man named John Carlson.
   
   Don’t believe me? Check out the following picture provided by e-mailer Adam W:
   
   
   
   
7. Indianapolis Colts (6-4) – Previously: #5 – Last week in my rock-paper-scissors dynamic, I claimed that the Colts owned the Patriots. Oops!
   
   But hey, I didn’t anticipate that Peyton Manning would be playing the Patriots with a concussion. It’s true. Just look at what he did to himself in the victory over Cincinnati the week before:
   
   
   
   I could seriously watch that all day. Thanks to forum member PaddyPatriot for providing me with hours of amusement.
   
   
8. Baltimore Ravens (7-3) – Previously: #7 – Thanks a lot, Ravens defense. Now, all women will look at Brian St. Pierre’s performance and tell their husband, “I can do just as good of a job in the workplace. You stay at home and take care of the children.”
   
   When all men are raising their kids by 2030, we can look back to this game as the genesis of the decline of man.
   
   
9. Atlanta Falcons (8-2) – Previously: #10 – I received several angry e-mails last week from Falcons fans that sounded like this: “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE HOW DEAR U RANK THE FALCONZZ NUMBR 10! YOU’RE WEB SIGHT IS HORIBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!”
   
   All the teams from 4-10 are so close together that it’s difficult to differentiate between all of them. The one thing that sticks out about the Falcons though is the fact that they have no quality wins in outdoor games this year. They played three contests outside. They lost to the Ben Roethlisberger-less Steelers, barely beat the combination of Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme in Cleveland, and then were demolished by the QB Dog Killer-less Eagles.
   
   Fortunately for the Falcons, they may never have to play outdoors. Their only road games left are at Tampa Bay (tough, but winnable), Carolina and Seattle, so Atlanta could easily secure homefield advantage.
   
   
10. New York Giants (6-4) – Previously: #9 – Good effort, Giants, but it’s going to be tough for anyone to beat the Eagles and QB Dog Killer.
    
    Let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them (the third from Ant V.):
    
    1. “time to get rid of peterman and backus and were is are running game ?”
    
    The sad thing is, despite the spelling errors, this guy is already a better GM than Matt Millen.
    
    2. “so close to get big led lol”
    
    Some people are able to make great jokes. This guy puts random, misspelled words together and thinks it’s funny.
    
    3. “the saint is a good team but they still not doing good enough i mean they want to do it again they got to get more focus they trying too go all out to much.”
    
    Sadly, this analysis is better than anything the stooges on ESPN can provide.
    
    

32. Carolina Panthers (1-9) – Previously: #32 – How bad is Tony Pike that John Fox considered Brian St. Pierre the better option? Anyone who wrote an article for USA Today arguing that Tony Pike should be the No. 1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft should be ashamed of themselves.

31. Arizona Cardinals (3-7) – Previously: #30 – The Adventure of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask continues!

Todd Haley didn’t give Jamaal Charles a single touch in the first quarter, which is part of the reason the Cardinals led 3-0. By the time it was 21-3, Charles had 10 touches for 104 total yards.

You may not have seen it, but the following interaction occurred when it was 3-0 Arizona:

Haley: I am not going to give Jamaal Charles any touches just to prove how awesome I am!

Anderson: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

Haley: A sip? Ha! I am Todd Haley, the master of the universe! I don’t take sips. I drink everything!

Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn thazzzz nootttt cooolll hic! Saaave sommme forrrr meeee.

*** Ten minutes later… ***

Haley: Ohhhh mannnn I don’t feeeeel gooooo.

Jamaal Charles: Are you OK, coach?

Haley: You’rrrre mmmy best ffffriend. I love you mannnn! Hic! Goo calllll plaayyzzzzz for yourselffff.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8) – Previously: #29 – How screwed up are the Bengals? They blow a 28-7 lead because they stopped trying in the second half, yet Terrell Owens is the one to lash out on his team and demand accountability from everyone.

When Owens is your locker room leader and most prominent voice, you know you’re screwed. This would be like having Bart Simpson as the best student in your class. Frankly, I’m pretty surprised that Marvin Lewis hasn’t jumped off the top of Paul Brown Stadium yet.

29. Buffalo Bills (2-8) – Previously: #31 – Congratulations, Buffalo Bills! Your meaningless wins have screwed you out of landing Andrew Luck, which means your franchise has once again set itself back another couple of years!

Unfortunately, some Bills fans would disagree. Consider the following e-mail from Joe B:

I will pass along this call I heard yesterday on our wonderful Buffalo area sports talk radio show, which is hosted by a guy who hangs up on anyone that doesn’t agree with him and another guy who I’m not even convinced watches football.

This was the caller’s great plan to fix the Bills: Trade out of the No. 1 pick (which he claimed would be easy to do) to move down to the end of the first round, take Anthony Castonzo with our first pick, then take Kellen Moore with the first pick of Round 2.

While I’m not sure the Bills could possibly do much worse than the Maybin and Spiller picks, I still cringed after hearing this suggestion.

Sadly, knowing how inept Buffalo’s front office is, Buddy Nix was probably listening and thinking, “Whoa that is an incredible idea! I hope we get the No. 1 pick so I can make this trade!”

28. Detroit Lions (2-8) – Previously: #28 – The bad news is that Matthew Stafford and Jahvid Best are both hurt. The good news is that Matt Millen is no longer in Detroit.

Listening to Millen on Thursday nights has oddly been both excruciating and very entertaining. As e-mailer Dan H. pointed out: “One of those jerkoffs on Thursday night football just called that pick an ‘incomplete reception.'”

On Monday night, Millen and Steve Young got into a cat fight. E-mailer Blake E. explained it well:

After Millen inexplicably went dolo on Hall of Fame QB Steve Young saying, “There is no way you can know what is going on in the freaking locker room! You have no idea!” Mort then mocked Millen by saying, “Boomer you have no idea what is going on in the green room.” Hilarious.

Meanwhile, e-mailer Mike sent over the following:

So me and my buddies were watching the Bears-Dolphins shellacking and we created a new drinking game… whenever Matt Millen says something dumb we take a shot… Let’s just say we had a few… We decided to write them down and I’ll show you some of the best ones… You really need a Matt Millen column like the Emmitt Smith one.

Hester false start: “They must have seen something we didn’t”… (obvious fall start; even the other announcer mocked him)

“Holy smokes, it looked like he stuffed himself into that helmet.”

Called Cutler: “Hot as a firecracker.”

Called Benny Sapp: �unduhphenomenal.”

And my favorite was when Millen called Rod Marinelli one of the best coaches hes ever seen. Although he’s a great defensive coordinator, he got Millen an 0-16 season. I had to take two shots for this one though.

Awesome e-mail – but I hope Mike didn’t have to go to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning.

27. Denver Broncos (3-7) – Previously: #27 – Here are my thoughts on the Broncos-Chargers game:

1. The Broncos looked great on their opening drive. Kyle Orton took the team 69 yards down the field in just a couple of minutes, with every play being eight yards or more until Knowshon Moreno’s 4-yard touchdown.

After that, however, Denver mustered just 166 total yards offense for the rest of the night. Orton (24-38, 217 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) had no time to throw whatsoever; he was sacked five times and had several interceptions dropped. The Chargers now lead the league in sacks, by the way, with 32.

2. Despite not having Antonio Gates, Philip Rivers went 15-of-24 for 233 yards, four touchdowns and an interception, which was a great play on a deep ball by Champ Bailey. Rivers now has 3,177 yards on the year, which means he’s on pace for 5,083 yards – one short of Dan Marino’s single-season record.

3. Malcom Floyd made his return to the lineup. He caught a score, but had just two receptions for 24 yards. Patrick Crayton (3-105, TD) did the most damage, but left the game with a hand injury after he landed oddly at the end of his touchdown. He’ll have x-rays on Tuesday.

Mike Tolbert, meanwhile, had 111 yards and a touchdown on 25 carries. I like him as a runner; he’s really tough. He also addressed everyone as “sir” in the post-game interviews with Stuart Scott, Matt Millen and Steve Young. I could never show that much respect around Millen (see above), so give Tolbert a ton of credit.

4. No blocked punt for the Chargers. Huzzah! In fact, Mike Scifres tossed a 28-yard pass on a fake punt in the first quarter. Looks like San Diego’s coaching staff did a great job fixing this problem during the bye week.

5. Brian Dawkins needs to retire. He looks like he’s 50 years old. He was beat on two touchdowns and seems like he’d run a 5.5 40-yard dash if he were asked to. That last tidbit is for Al Davis – just in case his gargoyles set up a computer and Internet connection for him in his crypt.

26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7) – Previously: #26 – Never mind. Troy Smith stinks.

More announcer ineptness, courtesy of e-mailer Richard K:

In the first quarter of the Dolphins-Titans game last week, one of the announcers gave us the gem: “The guy who may benefit the most from the presence of Randy Moss is Davone Bess, the slot receiver.”

Apparantly this guy knows Moss will be dropped from another team and signed by the Dolphins.

25. St. Louis Rams (4-6) – Previously: #25 – Couldn’t you just complete that shovel pass, Bradford? I finished in the red for the first time since Week 6 because of you!

More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Wraith):

1. “Who is a Canadian? Before we played the Seagulls I asked if the G-Men needed their passports to played at Qwest stadium? LOLOL”

This “joke” was so funny, he had to post it twice.

2. “packers think they gunna sweeping us idc how bad the season going ya not gunna sweep us fact”

The “fact” at the end of this sentence just makes it even more legitimate.

3. “who going beat us this going be fun”

The missing words in this sentence can be found on a milk carton.

24. Minnesota Vikings (3-7) – Previously: #24 – I’m calling it now – Percy Harvin’s migraines will disappear now that Brad Childress is gone.

How do I know this? Because the two clearly had the following conversation every week:

Brad Childress: Hey Percy, did you know that Midwich Elementary School is the best place to meet little boys?

Percy Harvin: What? I don’t want to hear about this, Coach.

Brad Childress: Here’s what you do. You buy lots of candy, and then sit in your car and wait for school to let out…

Percy Harvin: Stop, Coach! I don’t want to hear anymore!

Brad Childress: And then when school let’s out, you call the boys over and…

Percy Harvin: Ahhh my head hurts! Ahhhhhh!!!

23. Tennessee Titans (5-5) – Previously: #12 – Would you say that Rusty Smith looked a bit rusty against the Redskins? Hwa hwa hwa, I made a funny.

The Titans move all the way into the Bottom 10 because they may not win another game this year with Smith at the helm.

Speaking of Tennessee’s quarterbacking situation, I was able to secure an interview with Vince Young to talk about the tirade he had yesterday:

ME: Hey Vince, thanks for joining me.

YOUNG: “How do you do?”

ME: I’m OK. Vince, you’ve got to tell me. What’s the real story behind what happened after the Redskins game?

YOUNG: “Ehh… ehh….”

ME: Can’t say anything about that? Fair enough. Do you think you can co-exist with Jeff Fisher going forward?

YOUNG: “Ahh… ahh….”

ME: What’s wrong?

YOUNG: “My… my… my finger hurts!!!”

ME: Your finger hurts? Is it broken?

YOUNG: “Nooo!!! I cut it folding a piece of paper!!! It really hurts!!! WAHHHHH!!!”

ME: You’re “hurt” because of a little paper cut?

YOUNG: “WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

ME: Ugh. Can we continue this interview please?

YOUNG: “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

ME: What a freaking baby.

YOUNG: “I’M NOT A BABY!!! I’M VINCE YOUNG I AM AWESOME AND YOU ARE AN A-HOLE AND I HATE YOU AND I AM LEAVING RIGHT NOW AND I’M NEVER COMING BACK TO DO ANYMORE INTERVIEWS AND I’M GONNA GET A GUN AND MAKE PEOPLE THINK I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF BUT I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT BUT I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I WILL BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND SCREW YOU!!!”

ME: Good riddance.

BUD ADAMS: “Walt. You will co-exist with Vince Young in your next interview.”

ME: F*** you, Bud.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (5-5). Previously: #11
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3). Previously: #14
13. Chicago Bears (7-3). Previously: #18
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4). Previously: #20
15. Houston Texans (4-6). Previously: #15
16. Cleveland Browns (3-7). Previously: #17
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5). Previously: #13
18. Oakland Raiders (5-5). Previously: #16
19. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4). Previously: #19
20. Seattle Seahawks (5-5). Previously: #21
21. Washington Redskins (5-5). Previously: #22
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-7). Previously: #23