2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 12
Week 11 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Indianapolis Colts (10-0) – Previously: #1 – Sure, Peyton Manning is 10-0 and has just won two tough games, but I don’t care! What’s up with him ruining Dallas Clark’s fantasy owners by passing the ball to Tom Santi all the time?
   
   Can’t Manning just stick to the basics and pass the ball to his big fantasy guys? There’s no reason to involve Santi at all. None, Peyton! Get your act together, you jerk!
   
   
2. New Orleans Saints (10-0) – Previously: #2 – Not much to say about a victory over the Buccaneers, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “now if we can only get ed reed!!!woul’d that be great or what saints fan”
   
   I bet there are Browns fans out there saying, “now if we can only get peyton manning!!!woul’d that be great or what browns fan?” Keep dreaming, my friends.
   
   2. “i wish both of these teams could have beaten the sanit ”
   
   Neither team beat the “sanit,” but both could easily vanquish this guy in a spelling test.
   
   3. “4 picks and a lost fumble. Way to go Sanchez, you cost u yet another game.”
   
   Next week, this person will learn the word “yourself” in his 3rd-grade English class.
   
   
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1) – Previously: #3 – “Favre is old. Favre is injury-prone. Favre sucks. Favre is selfish. Favre won’t make the Vikings any better; in fact, I’m no longer projecting them to make the playoffs.” Whoops!
   
   Brett Favre has actually been awesome this year and my favorite for MVP. Must be all the steroids he’s injecting into his rear end.
   
   
4. New England Patriots (7-3) – Previously: #6 – As I’ve said before, if you don’t have the NFL Red Zone, you need to get it. It’s like watching football on cocaine.
   
   Scott Hanson, the host of the NFL Red Zone, made a hilarious joke Sunday. Upon seeing the Patriots’ punt blocked for a touchdown, Hanson remarked, “You see, the Patriots should have gone for it on that fourth down.”
   
   
5. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3) – Previously: #4 – Larry Johnson rushed for just five yards on two carries. No one was happier about this than Cedric Benson, who had this to say about the Johnson signing during the week: “I didn’t know I was supposed to be jumping out of my seat or anything. I really have no feelings about it.”
   
   The Bengals better be careful, or Benson will think that he’s being blackballed or something. He’ll write something nasty in his diary, sign with another team, make them better, and take it out on Cincinnati in a revenge game. Why did the Bengals even sign Johnson? He may be a cool East Coast Cat, but he’s not worth all of this trouble.
   
   
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3) – Previously: #7 – Kurt Warner says he’s “just fine” and Jason La Canfora reports that Warner’s second-half absence was just “precautionary.” Phew. Breathe easily, Cards fans.
   
   No take-away from the Rams game, so let’s discuss the Bears-Eagles Sunday night contest:
   
   1. A very impressive performance by Andy Reid. He had to waste only one timeout because of a substitution, and he actually finished the game with two timeouts in his pocket. Baby steps.
   
   2. Speaking of Reid, he wore this awkward big white towel behind his neck throughout the first half. Did this towel allow him to make better clock and timeout management decisions? Or was it a big bib for his halftime meal? I’ll have theories about this later.
   
   3. If you look at the stats, you’ll see that QB Dog Killer ripped off a 34-yard carry. It was out of the Wildcat and he had an enormous hole to run through. QB Dog Killer was eventually chased down by a defender – something that never would have happened before prison.
   
   Even though I bet on the Eagles, I was glad QB Dog Killer was tackled from behind. If he had scored, I would have won blood money that I would’ve burned.
   
   4. Jay Cutler was seldom booed even though he was horrible. He went 24-of-43 for 171 yards, one touchdown and a late pick in desperation time. Cutler, whose YPA was 3.98, seemed like he put extra effort into being careful with the football. He seldom took chances downfield, and when he did, he missed wide-open receivers for potential scores.
   
   After the game, Donovan McNabb consoled Cutler for what seemed like five minutes. McNabb spent the entire time whispering sweet nothings into Cutler’s ear.
   
   5. Major dap to underrated Eagles corner Sheldon Brown, who played well against the Bears despite battling a torn hamstring. Meanwhile, the overpaid Asante Samuel sat out part of the contest with a neck strain. Hmm… wonder who the tougher guy is?
   
   
7. San Diego Chargers (7-3) – Previously: #9 – Once again, congratulations to San Diego for winning the AFC West.
   
   Two hilarious things about the Chargers’ 32-3 victory:
   
   1. Josh McDaniels reportedly told some San Diego players, “We own you” before the game. Oops!
   
   2. Chris Simms was sacked and eagerly complained about a face mask early on. The official looked at him for a second and appeared to brush him off. We didn’t have any audio, but it looked like the ref said, “Nah nah nah, you just suck that much. No flag.”
   
   
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4) – Previously: #5 – Dennis Dixon could be the starter against Baltimore with Ben Roethlisberger questionable and Charlie Batch out. That’s not good.
   
   Notes from the Monday night game:
   
   1. Good grief, Kris Brown. Brown has missed two consecutive game-tying field goals in the final seconds of regulation. A 49-yarder is pretty tough to make, but you have to convert at least one of those kicks. Brown is otherwise one of the better kickers in the league, so it’s not like Houston can just cut him. It does, however, make it tougher for Gary Kubiak to trust him in pressure situations.
   
   2. And that brings me to my second point. The Texans had a 3rd-and-4 with eight seconds and a timeout in regulation. They could have tried to get a 15-yard pass to give Brown a closer field goal, but opted to just center the ball in the middle of the field instead.
   
   When asked why he didn’t call for a pass, Kubiak told the media that he didn’t want to risk an interception or a sack.
   
   So, let me get this straight: Kubiak was willing to trust a kicker over a veteran quarterback? How does that make any sense? Schaub’s not going to throw a pick. Brown, meanwhile, has shown that he chokes in the clutch.
   
   Kubiak is a solid coach overall, but he sometimes makes these really questionable decisions that make you wonder.
   
   3. Vince Young is now 22-11 as a starter. He made a couple of mistakes, including a fumble and a dropped interception, but he played really well overall. The Titans showed some option looks, which is yet another wrinkle that makes them really dangerous right now.
   
   4. Of course the option is dangerous because of Chris Johnson. His 151 rushing yards takes him up to 1,242 for the year. He’s on pace for 1,987 yards, putting him 118 yards behind Eric Dickerson’s single-season record.
   
   5. The Titans may have won this game, but they were guilty of some weird clock issues that they’ll need to shore up. Jeff Fisher called a timeout with one second remaining in the first quarter when he could have just let the clock run out. Later, Young was unaware that the 2-minute warning was coming up. And in the fourth quarter, the Titans successfully executed a fake punt, which was called back because of a delay-of-game penalty.
   
   6. We all knew this already, but this game just reinforced it. Jerome Boger is easily one of the worst officials in the NFL. There were numerous blown calls on both sides, including a missed tripping call on Vince Young and a phantom horse-collar tackle by the Texans on Chris Johnson. Alge Crumpler also made a great catch in the fourth quarter, but after looking at the replay, Boger said it was an incompletion even though it was an obvious reception.
   
   Boger’s ineptness was enjoyed by all when he called the Texans for a 15-yard penalty and announced that it would be “assessed at the end of the run.” The problem was that the play was an incompletion. Way to pay attention to the game, Jerome.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (5-5) – Previously: #8 – I had a few people e-mail me about my Colts-Ravens pick. All my analysis seemed to point to Baltimore being the right side. The psychology, trends and Vegas sections all had double-star edges that way. Whenever I have three double-star edges, I almost always take that side. Instead, I played the Colts -1.5 this Sunday.
   
   The reason why? A conversation my friend had with his wife about a year ago.
   
   This guy went against the Colts in a near-pick em situation (might have been the Vikings game). Unfortunately, he lost at the end because of a Manning comeback. His wife, who only knows the basics of football, heard him cursing at the TV. She remarked (and I’ll never forget this):
   
   “Why would you bet against Peyton Manning? That’s stupid.”
   
   Betting against Manning in near-pick em games is stupid. He’ll always find a way to win. Don’t out-smart yourselves. Just bet on Manning.
   
   
10. Dallas Cowboys (7-3) – Previously: #10 – I found it hilarious that Terence Newman and Dave Campo were yelling at each on the sidelines during the Cowboys-Redskins game, only because I had no idea that Campo was on the coaching staff.
    
    How did this happen? Wasn’t he fired years ago? Why would you go back to an employer to take a lesser role? Do fired company vice presidents go back to the CEO and ask for a janitorial job? Campo obviously has no pride, but at least Jerry Jones didn’t hire a Bingo announcer to shadow him around.
    
    

32. Cleveland Browns (1-9) – Previously: #32 – Eric Mangini made two of the dumbest coaching moves I’ve ever seen Sunday.

With 13 seconds remaining in the second quarter, Mangini decided to run a fake field goal on 4th-and-9. The play actually worked; Phil Dawson completed a 10-yard pass to Mike Furrey to get the first down. However, there were only six seconds left, and Mangina decided not to take a shot at the end zone. He opted for a real kick this time, and Dawson nailed it from 29 yards.

So, let’s get this straight. Mangina decided to risk three points and eschew a 39-yard field goal to run a low-probability fake field goal to get him 10 yards closer to an already-makeable kick? I really don’t understand the logic here.

Of course, Mangina topped himself by calling a timeout before the last play of the game, which allowed Matthew Stafford to reenter the contest after an injury. Mangina used this precious timeout to yell at the officials for calling a bogus pass interference on a Hail Mary, which is something you never see. No word if Mangina disinvited the officials from his birthday party.

31. Detroit Lions (2-8) – Previously: #31 – The Lions won, so I can’t make fun of them. However, I am willing to criticize Eric Mangini even more. Let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Mangina:

ME: Hey Eric, thanks for joining me after such an exciting game.

MANGINI: “No problem, Walt. Just please don’t make fun of me; I can’t handle it right now.”

ME: Why not? What’s wrong?

MANGINI: “My birthday party is coming up and I’m stressing out. I invited Erin Andrews. I hope she comes. I was forced to invite Shannon Sharpe, so if she hears that he’ll be there, she may not come.”

ME: Well, good luck to you. I wanted to talk about the Lions game. Where did all of that offense come from?

MANGINI: “It came from me, of course.”

ME: Can you explain? You scored just five offensive touchdowns in the past 60 quarters going into that game. What did you do?

MANGINI: “Easy. I promised Brady Quinn, Mohamed Massaquoi, Jamal Lewis and everyone else a bunch of tickets if we scored 30 points or more.”

ME: Tickets?

MANGINI: “Yeah, tickets that they can redeem for prizes at Super Fun Time, which is where my birthday party will be this year. The guys seemed excited, but they confused me a bit when they were talking about going down to Miami to see the Super Bowl in February. I don’t think you can do that at Super Fun Time.”

ME: Umm… are you sure they knew what sort of tickets you were talking about?

MANGINI: “Oh yeah, my party’s going to be a big hit. I just hope Shannon Sharpe or Philip Rivers don’t ruin it.”

ME: I know you think Shannon’s a dork, but what would Rivers do?

MANGINI: “He’s a jerk! The other day I walked by him and he gave me a wedgie! Then he called me ‘poopy-pants’ and laughed at me. I cried until my mom made me macaroni and cheese.”

ME: Clearly, Philip Rivers is too cool to come to your birthday party.

MANGINI: “Yeah, I just hope he doesn’t crash it.”

ME: I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about that, Eric.

30. St. Louis Rams (1-9) – Previously: #29 – How frustrating was that blown cover by the Cardinals? Kurt Warner led them to a 21-3 lead, but left the game with a minor concussion. Matt Leinart came in and ruined everything, failing to lead Arizona to a single point.

Rumor has it that Leinart was so disappointed in himself that he told Nick Lachey that he would not be bathing with him in their hot tub that night. It’s safe to say that Lachey cried himself to sleep. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9) – Previously: #27 – In his past two starts, Josh Freeman has four interceptions and five fumbles. I know he’s young, but that’s not good.

Speaking of poor quarterbacking, this is a funny exchange I had during the Panthers-Dolphins game with Awesome Kelly in Arizona:

Me: Delhomme was under pressure and just heaved it up helplessly.

Awesome Kelly: Sounds like any given model’s life.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-7) – Previously: #30 – The Raiders have secretly played better recently. Since Oct. 18, they’ve beaten the Eagles and Bengals, while their three losses were by only 6, 8 and 38 points.

The winner of that 38-point blowout was Mark Sanchez. And speaking of Sanchez, let’s do a profile of him:

Player Profile: Mark Sanchez

Positives:
– Is a better actor than Vincent Chase; fooled everyone into thinking he was a franchise quarterback
– Can star as Chase’s long-lost twin brother on Entourage if his career derails
– Has great awareness; has avoided being accidentally eaten by Rex Ryan for the past seven months
– Throws pretty passes; even Braylon Edwards stares in awe right before the ball bounces out of his hands

Negatives:
– Is talented enough that none of his passes hit the ground (they go to the other team instead)
– Cannot migrate south for the winter
– Is allergic to cold weather and wind
– Made a fat coach cry over something unrelated to shortage of food. What a monster!

27. Buffalo Bills (3-7) – Previously: #26 – Congratulations, Jack Del Rio. Even though Maurice Jones-Drew was going against the worst run defense in the NFL, you and Dirk Koetter called 22 passes to only 10 runs on your first 32 offensive plays.

How about you just stick to your game plan so you don’t cost me $880 next time? You have to be pretty inept to be out-coached by Perry Fuel, a small oil company.

26. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7) – Previously: #28 – I’m pretty sure every single SportsCenter and sports highlight anchor said of Kansas City’s game-winning field goal in overtime, “Ryan Succop, Mr. Irrelevant, was not so irrelevant here! Hwahwahwahwahwahwa!”

Someone please shoot me now.

25. Washington Redskins (3-7) – Previously: #25 – In the three games since the bye, Jason Campbell has just two interceptions (one in desperation time) and no fumbles. Looks like this Bingo announcer is some sort of genius. Just imagine how great Campbell would be if Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak were his offensive coordinators. Yeah, yeah, I’ve used this joke before, but I don’t care.

Speaking of the Redskins-Cowboys game, Trey Wingo had this to say about Tony Romo and Roy Williams, “If Tony Romo and Roy Willaims were on a boat, and Romo pushed Williams off the boat, Williams wouldn’t hit the water.”

Not really sure what that means, but I found it hilarious. I do know that there are tons of Williams fantasy owners who wouldn’t mind pushing him off a boat either.

24. Seattle Seahawks (3-7) – Previously: #24 – Another dreadful game by the Seahawks, so to cheer the fans up, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “the seagirls wont be seeing superbowl wait they wont even be seeing playoffs!!!!!!!!!! hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah”

And this person’s English teacher won’t be seeing correct grammar anytime soon.

2. “I’m sorry but Parker is better than mendenhall. Why does Mendy have tons of 1-3 yard plays?!”

Ironically, Willie Parker’s yards-per-carry average is just 3.3 this year, so he’s definitely had a lot of 1-3 yard plays himself.

3. “the cardinals didnt even have show up and they still would of won!!!!!!!!!!lol”

This guy didn’t even have to include some words and still got his point across!!!!!!!!!!lol

23. Chicago Bears (4-6) – Previously: #23 – The horrible offensive line. The conservative play-calling. The mediocre receivers. The disappointing defense. It’s tough to tell what pisses Chicago fans off the most.

As mentioned earlier, Andy Reid had a huge towel behind his neck during the first half of the Bears-Eagles game. What was it there for? Time for oddities!

17:1 – The towel served as a nice ensemble piece to his enormous black parka.

5:1 – Reid killed a turkey at halftime and used the towel to clean up the mess.

4:1 – Reid needed something to clean all of the dog blood around QB Dog Killer’s locker before anyone would see the evidence.

EVEN – It in fact served as a big bib for his halftime meals, which is why it wasn’t there in the second half. For the record, Reid averages 4.7 meals per halftime on the road (5.1 at home).


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4). Previously: #13
12. Tennessee Titans (4-6). Previously: #18
13. Houston Texans (5-5). Previously: #11
14. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4). Previously: #15
15. New York Giants (6-4). Previously: #16
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5). Previously: #19
17. Atlanta Falcons (5-5). Previously: #14
18. Denver Broncos (6-4). Previously: #12
19. Carolina Panthers (4-6). Previously: #17
20. San Francisco 49ers (4-6). Previously: #20
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4). Previously: #21
22. New York Jets (4-6). Previously: #22

1. Steelers (3.2)
2. Packers (3.6)
3. Ravens (3.6)
4. Eagles (3.8)
5. Bengals (3.8)
6. Vikings (3.8)
7. Dolphins (4.0)
8. Broncos (4.1)
9. Jets (4.1)
10. Giants (4.2)
11. Bears (4.2)
12. Cowboys (4.2)
13. Colts (4.3)
14. Falcons (4.3)
15. Chargers (4.4)
16. Cardinals (4.4)
17. Redskins (4.4)
18. Jaguars (4.4)
19. Seahawks (4.5)
20. Texans (4.6)
21. Rams (4.6)
22. 49ers (4.6)
23. Saints (4.6)
24. Patriots (4.6)
25. Raiders (4.6)
26. Browns (4.6)
27. Panthers (4.7)
28. Chiefs (4.7)
29. Titans (4.8)
30. Lions (4.8)
31. Bills (4.9)
32. Buccaneers (5.0)

1. Jets (5.6)
2. Saints (6.1)
3. Bills (6.2)
4. Colts (6.4)
5. Steelers (6.5)
6. Patriots (6.5)
7. Broncos (6.5)
8. Redskins (6.5)
9. Bengals (6.5)
10. Giants (6.6)
11. Packers (6.7)
12. Panthers (6.7)
13. Eagles (6.7)
14. Texans (6.7)
15. Cowboys (6.8)
16. Chargers (6.8)
17. Cardinals (6.9)
18. Bears (7.0)
19. Seahawks (7.0)
20. Vikings (7.1)
21. 49ers (7.1)
22. Ravens (7.3)
23. Jaguars (7.5)
24. Raiders (7.8)
25. Dolphins (7.8)
26. Falcons (7.8)
27. Chiefs (7.9)
28. Rams (7.9)
29. Browns (8.1)
30. Lions (8.1)
31. Buccaneers (8.1)
32. Titans (8.2)