2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 11
Week 10 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Indianapolis Colts (9-0) – Previously: #2 – What a comeback by Peyton Manning. I’m upset that he didn’t cover, but I needed the Colts to win straight up in 610WIP.com’s Survivor Pool (we had to pick the winner of the Colts-Patriots game on top of our survivor selection because there are 3,000 people remaining out of the 22,000 that started).
   
   So, when New England was up 31-14, I prepared the following Sunday night notes about Indianapolis:
   
   1. Why is Peyton Manning throwing all of these interceptions and ugly incompletions? He must have snorted coke before the game. The NFL should suspend him for violating the substance policy or kick him out of the league entirely!
   
   2. Pierre Garcon is the worst wide receiver of all time. By my estimation, he has dropped 84 passes in this game alone.
   
   3. The refs are blind! New England defenders are carrying small, invisible knives and stabbing the Indianapolis running backs when no one is looking! That’s why Joseph Addai and Chad Simpson had to leave early. How are the officials not seeing this!?
   
   
2. New Orleans Saints (9-0) – Previously: #1 – When does a team have too many injuries? The Saints were already missing stud defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis, interception-hungry safety Darren Sharper, stud corner Jabari Greer and serviceable defensive lineman Kendrick Clancy. On Sunday, New Orleans lost their other starting corner, Tracy Porter.
   
   It’s getting really bad. You can say that the Saints are doing a good job winning despite not playing their “A” game, but the Rams actually out-gained them by 14 yards! In fact, if Courtney Roby doesn’t return that kickoff for a touchdown and if Marc Bulger doesn’t put together the worst 2-minute drill in NFL history, I’m convinced the Saints lose that game.
   
   
3. Minnesota Vikings (8-1) – Previously: #4 – The Vikings nearly debacled themselves with stupid mistakes against the Lions. I still don’t get why they thought they needed to run double end-arounds and use Jeff Dugan in short-yardage situations. If Minnesota had just run its normal offense, it would would have won by at least 24 points.
   
   As Portnam said in the Live In-Games Thread on the forums: “Favre doesn’t look right today. Fortunately they’re playing a Big Ten team.”
   
   
4. Cincinnati Bengals (7-2) – Previously: #6 – The Bengals are awesome. They’d be 8-1 if it wasn’t for Josh McDaniels’ mad play-calling skillz. Oddly enough, the last time Cincinnati swept Pittsburgh was 1998. The Bengals were just 3-13 that year.
   
   By the way, I had subtitles on during CBS’ pre-game show so I could understand what Shannon Sharpe was saying. Sharpe opined that Chad Ochocinco should have been fined $250,000 for attempting to “bribe” the officials last week. Bill Cowher and Boomer Esiason looked at Sharpe as if he were crazy. Dan Marino naturally had no opinion on the matter.
   
   Here’s my opinion: I don’t think Ochocinco should have been fined at all. By docking Ochocinco $20,000, Roger Goodell showed me that he’s really afraid of the league’s image. Shrugging it off would tell everyone that you’re not worried about the possibility of there being crooked officials.
   
   Unfortunately, we all know that’s not the case with John Parry, Scott Green and Jerome Boger on the loose. It also doesn’t help that the senile Walt Coleman is screwing up games every Sunday.
   
   
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) – Previously: #3 – Missed opportunities. The Steelers were 0-of-4 in the red zone and they dropped three possible Carson Palmer interceptions.
   
   That’s all I have to say about Pittsburgh, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “WHY DO THE STEELERS FAN WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD PIECES OF YELLOW TOLIET PAPER , JUS WAVING IT AROUND IN THE AIR”
   
   Duh. Recycling. Why just throw yellow toilet paper away if you can use it for something else? Idiot!
   
   2. “this game is boring these teams cant compleat a pass if there life depended on it”
   
   And I doubt you could spell the word “complete” if your life depended on it.
   
   3. “sanchez need to go back to college, and finished college, then play big ball league”
   
   Whoever posted this need to go back to grade school, and finished grade school, then post on Internet message boards.
   
   
6. New England Patriots (6-3) – Previously: #5 – Everyone is quick to criticize Bill Belichick for his decision to go for the downs on 4th-and-2 on his own 28-yard line. Let me ask you a question though: Whom do you trust more, Tom Brady or a young defense that just allowed Peyton Manning to go 80 yards twice in less than two minutes?
   
   Most people, including myself, wouldn’t have gone for it on fourth down, but I don’t think it was the wrong decision. As noted above, I wanted the Colts to prevail, and when New England lined up to go for it, I thought to myself, “Ah crap, they’re going to convert this and win.”
   
   I wanted the Patriots to punt because I was confident that Manning could go another 80 yards in two minutes. He’s done it a million times before.
   
   Brady is one of the top 10 quarterbacks of all time. If he can’t get two yards on one play, then maybe you’re just supposed to lose.
   
   
7. Arizona Cardinals (6-3) – Previously: #7 – Hmm… maybe we should use this Chris Wells fellow that we drafted with our first-round pick. Doo doo doo doo doo…
   
   The Cardinals are a really dangerous team. Their defense looks better than last year’s version, Kurt Warner is healthy again and Wells gives them an added dimension that they didn’t have last season. As long as Arizona doesn’t have to play in terrible weather, they’re going to be a tough out come playoff time.
   
   
8. Baltimore Ravens (5-4) – Previously: #9 – Notes from the Monday night game:
   
   1. I won’t say much about the Ravens because they weren’t prepared for this game. They took numerous silly penalties, missed a chip-shot field goal and wasted timeouts. It’s as if John Harbaugh once coached under Andy Reid or something.
   
   Had the Ravens played a team that was even remotely competent, they would have lost. Not exactly the effort I wanted to see out of them in a must-win game.
   
   2. Cleveland’s offense has now gone 60 quarters with only five touchdowns. That’s one offensive touchdown per every three games. New Orleans’ defense has seven touchdowns this season alone!
   
   3. Despite the shutout, the Browns played much better than I thought they would. They held the Ravens offense to just 10 points. They placed a good amount of pressure on Joe Flacco, and they did a decent job stopping the run. It’s good to see that the defense is still trying.
   
   4. To add injury to insult, Josh Cribbs suffered an injury at the end of the game and was carted off the field on a stretcher. Down 16-0 with five seconds left, the Browns should have just taken a knee. Instead, they tried some goofy play that wouldn’t have accomplished anything even if they had scored. All it cost them was their best scoring threat.
   
   
9. San Diego Chargers (6-3) – Previously: #13 – Congratulations to San Diego for winning the AFC West. The Chargers should just take all of September off from now on and forfeit all of those games. The Broncos will always blow their division lead, so why not just enjoy an extended summer break?
   
   
10. Dallas Cowboys (6-3) – Previously: #8 – Let me get this straight… the Packers defense surrendered 76 points against the Vikings and Buccaneers. They couldn’t stop Josh Freeman and Derrick Ward in the second half. Yet, they basically shut out a hot Cowboys squad that averaged 30.3 points in their previous four games without Aaron Kampman?
    
    I was going to ask someone to explain this to me, but after seeing Wade “Mr. Turkey Neck” Phillips’ confused face again during NFL Primetime, I suddenly understood what happened. The only question I have now is what sort of cartoon was going through Mr. Turkey Neck’s mind when the game was going on.

32. Cleveland Browns (1-8) – Previously: #32 – Jamal Lewis complained this past week that Eric Mangini works his team too hard in practice.

I’m with ya, Jamal! I think we should all refrain from working hard. In fact, I’m not even going to try to come up with anything witty to say about the Browns. I don’t want to work too hard.

31. Detroit Lions (1-8) – Previously: #31 – Stupid Lions. Why couldn’t they just lose by seven or 14 points and just cover. Ugh.

I’m disgusted with Detroit, so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Jon Gruden, who just inked a multi-year contract to remain with ESPN:

ME: Hey Jon, thanks for joining me. Congratulations on your new deal.

GRUDEN: “Thanks, Walt. When are we going to talk some Wildcat?”

ME: Maybe a bit later. I wanted to ask you what you thought about the Patriots-Colts game. Would you have gone for it on fourth down like Bill Belichick did?

GRUDEN: “I call Bill Belichick ‘The Jigsaw.’ He’ll perplex ya with his schemes for 60 minutes and in the end, he’ll kill ya.”

ME: OK, but what did you think about the 4th-and-2 call? It was a given that Peyton Manning would have scored a touchdown on a short field.

GRUDEN: “I call Peyton Manning ‘The Hannibal Lecter.’ He’ll kill ya in every way possible. You really don’t wanna get in his way because he’ll kill ya.”

ME: Yeah, but I’m asking you about the 4th-and-2 play. Tony Dungy really criticized Belichick for it. What do you think?

GRUDEN: “I call Tony Dungy ‘The Panda Bear.’ He may look real innocent, but if you get suckered in to feelin’ sorry for him, he’ll kill ya.”

ME: Dude, can you please stop giving nicknames to people and just answer my damn question?

GRUDEN: “I call WalterFootball.com ‘The Richard Nixon.’ He tells someone he’s gonna be talkin’ about the Wildcat, but then he doesn’t talk about the Wildcat and asks all these other questions instead. He’s a big fat liar.”

ME: OK, fine. You want to talk about the Wildcat? Let’s talk about the Wildcat.

GRUDEN: “Really? Can we finally talk about the Wildcat?”

ME: Yes. Let’s do it. Go on, tell everyone why you think the Wildcat is so awesome.

GRUDEN: “Wildcat… Wildcat… Oh, Wildcat! Wildcat! Oh Wildcat oh Wildcat oh Wildcat! Wildcaaat! Ohhhhhhhhh Wildcat!”

ME: Dude, did you just jizz in your pants?

GRUDEN: “I call WalterFootball.com ‘The Glenn Beck.’ He’s always accusin’ people of things!”

ME: Whatever, Jon. Go clean yourself up.

30. Oakland Raiders (2-7) – Previously: #27 – JaMarcus Russell was benched in favor of Bruce Gradkowski. Asked Russell after the game, “It wasn’t my fault, do you tink so?”

Earlier, I received five separate e-mails from Anthony V. None of them included any text; they were simply blank e-mails with the following subject headers:

– on all your mock drafts, the Raiders should have QB. New 2010 QB
– With the likes of Sanchez, Flaco, Ryan etc. Raiders need new QB
– 100% the Raiders need a new QB, will they do it?
– I agree about Raiders and getting a new QB. Cut RUSSELL
– Raiders need a leader. J Russell is worst!! looser not leader. they need a leader

I’m not quite sure, but I think Anthony V. is fed up with Russell. Do you tink so?

29. St. Louis Rams (1-8) – Previously: #30 – Nice effort by the Rams, so I won’t make fun of them this week. Let’s laugh at someone else instead.

In fact, let’s do a profile. These are all positives because Andy Reid is so awesome:

Coach Profile: Andy Reid

Positives:
– Has the largest play sheet known to man. Think of how many great plays are on there!

– Takes him only 30 seconds to relay each play into Donovan McNabb, leaving his quarterback with a grand total of 10 seconds to let everyone else know the play and read the defense after lining up.

– Is way smarter than anyone. Don’t question Andy Reid at a press conference, or he’ll scoff at you and move on to the next reporter. He simply doesn’t have enough time to answer silly questions!

– Happens to be very consistent; you can depend on his short-yardage and red-zone plays to fail every time!

– Likes a challenge. Winning without any timeouts at the end of the game is much more gratifying.

– Can eat 500 cheese steaks in only 10 minutes.

– Is cunning enough to bring in a convicted animal abuser and not use him at all. That’ll trick everyone!

– Knows that running the ball is futile. Teams that run the ball consistently have never won the Super Bowl!

28. Kansas City Chiefs (2-7) – Previously: #29 – Congratulations to Todd Haley, whose IQ has ventured into double digits for the first time. Haley must have read my scientific proof about why he sucks as a head coach (scroll down to the Chiefs in the NFL Power Rankings to read it).

If you’re as lazy as Jamal Lewis and don’t feel like clicking anything, I posted Kansas City’s offensive statistics when Jamaal Charles was on and off the field against the Jaguars, and the disparity was amazing. Haley obviously read my awesome analysis and decided to get Charles more involved. Charles had 22 touches, so it’s no coincidence that the Chiefs won…

Or maybe it was because they played the lowly Raiders…

Nah. Haley obviously read my incredible scientific analysis.

27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8) – Previously: #28 – Speaking of the Chiefs, their fans recently ran a petition asking ownership to get rid of Larry Johnson so he wouldn’t break Priest Holmes’ franchise yardage record.

They got their wish, so I’d like to get another petition going. I want to ask the NFL to force FOX play-by-play announcer Sam Rosen to wear a paper bag over his head.

Rosen does a solid job calling plays, but he might be the ugliest human being on the planet. I nearly turned into stone just watching him Sunday morning when I was waiting for Rebecca Grant’s cleavage to appear. And I’m sad to report that for the third straight week, no cleavage 🙁

But the important thing is that there must have been hundreds of people who were petrified when catching a glimpse of Rosen’s ugly mug. Please, NFL and FOX, something must be done about this.

26. Buffalo Bills (3-6) – Previously: #25 – No one wanted to sign Terrell Owens this offseason. The only team willing to give him a shot was the Bills, so Owens had to resort to playing in a city with an Applebee’s, a TGI Friday’s and a Dave & Busters. Poor T.O.

Owens had two options here:

1. Play hard. Be civil. Let the league know that you’re not a bad guy. Resurrect your career. Become a hot commodity in the 2010 free-agent market.

2. Drop balls. Yell at everyone. Complain about the play-calling and the coaching staff. Make an a** out of yourself on the sideline. Become known as a big enough toad that no one will want anything to do with you ever again.

Goodbye, T.O. It was fun watching you be a jerk to everyone around you.

25. Washington Redskins (3-6) – Previously: #26 – When Daniel Snyder signed Albert Haynesworth this offseason, he was expecting a playoff berth. Instead, he essentially paid $33.3 million per victory. Oops!

Speaking of owners, Tennessee’s 86-year-old owner Bud Adams gave the finger to some fans during the Titans-Bills game. Why did he do this? Time for oddities!

20:1 – His gestures were directed at Chris Johnson, who murdered him in fantasy this week.

10:1 – He wanted to let everyone know how dumb they were for dismissing his belief in Vince Young.

4:1 – He had dinner with Bills owner Ralph Wilson and learned tips on how to piss off the fans.

1:4 – He had a senile moment and thought the fans were all the people who bullied him in grade school.

24. Seattle Seahawks (3-6) – Previously: #24 – R.I.P. 2009 Seahawks. You deceived me into thinking you would be good this year. Hope you’re happy.

To cheer you Seahawk fans up, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “who said raheem is a inteelegent coach. that’s the funniest thing i’ve heard all year!”

Apparently, you’ve never looked at your own poor grammar and spelling, sir.

2. “you probable dont even live in cali, oh wait you probably do cuz ur g a y like everyone else in cali”

Yes, if you live in Cali, you are gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3. “STUPID PENELTIES, PNCE AGAIN THE MOST INEPT PPLAY CALLING IN THE ENTIRE NFL, I FEEL SOORY FOR CUTLER 2 FING RUNS ON THE GOAL LINE THEN A PLAY ACTION THE WAS SO OBVIOUS, BEST NEWS IS BEARS ARE GETTING INTO A RYTHEM THAT SHOULD HELP THME IN THE SECOND HALF.”

Take note that capitalizing all of your words doesn’t make your poor grammar and spelling go away.

23. Chicago Bears (4-5) – Previously: #16 – Two of Jay Cutler’s five interceptions Thursday night weren’t his fault. The other three really made me question his decision-making.

I wonder, could Cutler be the worst decision-maker of all time? Does he make poor decisions in real-life situations? If he’s on a date, does he randomly throw a meatball at the girl’s face? Does he get up in the middle of the night to urinate on his own car? Will he ever rob a convenience store for a pack of gum? A camera should follow Cutler around at all times.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Houston Texans (5-4). Previously: #11
12. Denver Broncos (6-3). Previously: #10
13. Green Bay Packers (5-4). Previously: #19
14. Atlanta Falcons (5-4). Previously: #12
15. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4). Previously: #14
16. New York Giants (5-4). Previously: #15
17. Carolina Panthers (4-5). Previously: #20
18. Tennessee Titans (3-6). Previously: #21
19. Miami Dolphins (4-5). Previously: #17
20. San Francisco 49ers (4-5). Previously: #22
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4). Previously: #23
22. New York Jets (4-5). Previously: #18

1. Steelers (3.2)
2. Packers (3.5)
3. Eagles (3.6)
4. Ravens (3.6)
5. Dolphins (3.7)
6. Bengals (3.7)
7. Vikings (3.9)
8. Broncos (4.0)
9. Jets (4.2)
10. Bears (4.2)
11. Cowboys (4.2)
12. Chargers (4.2)
13. Cardinals (4.3)
14. Redskins (4.3)
15. Rams (4.4)
16. Colts (4.4)
17. Giants (4.4)
18. 49ers (4.4)
19. Falcons (4.5)
20. Seahawks (4.5)
21. Texans (4.5)
22. Jaguars (4.5)
23. Panthers (4.6)
24. Saints (4.6)
25. Patriots (4.6)
26. Raiders (4.6)
27. Browns (4.7)
28. Chiefs (4.8)
29. Titans (4.8)
30. Buccaneers (4.8)
31. Lions (5.0)
32. Bills (5.1)

1. Jets (5.3)
2. Bills (6.1)
3. Colts (6.3)
4. Saints (6.3)
5. Steelers (6.3)
6. Patriots (6.5)
7. Broncos (6.5)
8. Redskins (6.6)
9. Bengals (6.6)
10. Packers (6.6)
11. Cowboys (6.6)
12. Panthers (6.7)
13. Texans (6.8)
14. Seahawks (6.9)
15. Bears (6.9)
16. Chargers (7.0)
17. Giants (7.0)
18. Vikings (7.0)
19. Cardinals (7.0)
20. Ravens (7.0)
21. Eagles (7.1)
22. 49ers (7.1)
23. Jaguars (7.3)
24. Falcons (7.5)
25. Rams (7.7)
26. Chiefs (7.7)
27. Raiders (7.7)
28. Browns (7.8)
29. Lions (7.9)
30. Dolphins (8.1)
31. Titans (8.2)
32. Buccaneers (8.3)