2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 6
Week 5 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (5-0) – Previously: #1 – I can’t remember the last time a quarterback was benched before halftime because his team was so far ahead. Perhaps the 2007 Patriots would have done this with Tom Brady if Bill Belichick wasn’t so set on running up the score.
   
   The Giants won 44-7, but it should have been 51-0. Oakland scored right after Justin Fargas was ruled down on a play where he fumbled and the Giants returned the ball for a touchdown. The Raiders were in the red zone in the first place because of a muffed punt. Other than that series, the Raiders didn’t even cross the Giants’ 40-yard line.
   
   
2. New Orleans Saints (4-0) – Previously: #2 – Big matchup in the Superdome next week between the Giants and Saints. This should be an awesome game. Not only are New York and New Orleans incredible; they both should be fresh coming off a bye.
   
   
3. Indianapolis Colts (5-0) – Previously: #3 – Colts notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. Peyton Manning is playing out of his mind right now. I’ve been covering the NFL for this Web site for 10 years and watched pro football for many seasons before that as well. I’ve never seen a quarterback perform at Manning’s level. When he threw an interception in that Tennessee game, he shook his head, and you just knew that he was going to come back and slaughter the Titans’ secondary. Of course, Tennessee’s senseless personal fouls didn’t help either.
   
   2. Speaking of Manning, Jay Mariotti stated on Around the Horn, “It’s time America to notice how great Peyton Manning is.”
   
   Sorry Mariotti, we have a tough time noticing Manning because he doesn’t have any endorsements. He’s rarely on TV! Maybe if more companies chose him as their spokesman, we’d actually start talking about him.
   
   3. Can someone please kidnap Joseph Addai and return him to the Colts in 2010? Donald Brown is the better running back and needs to be on the field more often. And I’m not just saying that because I own Brown in a few fantasy leagues – I swear!
   
   4. How shady was Reggie Wayne’s dropped touchdown pass late in the fourth quarter? It looked like Wayne didn’t want anything to do with it. A conspiracy theorist would tell you that Wayne dropped it on purpose so the game would go over the total. And because I am a conspiracy theorist, I’d like to agree with that assumption.
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) – Previously: #4 – Once again, I’d like to express my admiration for the Pittsburgh Steelers fan base. It’s amazing how well they travel. Watching the Steelers-Lions game, there were more Pittsburgh fans in the stands than Detroit fans. Tens of thousands of Terrible Towels were waving feverishly. If the contest didn’t take place in a dome, a casual viewer may have assumed that the game was in Pittsburgh.
   
   
5. Minnesota Vikings (5-0) – Previously: #6 – A blowout win for the Vikings, but not a very convincing victory. The Rams actually had more first downs (14-9) and yards (207-157) than Minnesota did in the first half. However, they trailed 17-3 at that juncture because Kyle Boller had a fumble returned for a touchdown, and both Steven Jackson and Daniel Fells fumbled inside the Minnesota 2. If you take away the seven points off the Boller fumble, and add 14 points to St. Louis’ total, the Rams would have led 17-10 at the break.
   
   But then again, that’s why the Rams are the Rams, and that’s why I picked the Vikings to cover even though it was a bad spot for them coming off an emotional Monday night victory.
   
   
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1) – Previously: #9 – All five of Cincinnati’s games have been decided in the final few minutes. If I were a cheesy writer, I’d call the Bengals the “Cardiac Cats,” and Carson Palmer “Cardiac Carson” or “Captain Comeback Carson,” or Andre Caldwell, “Cardiac Caldwell.” Thank God I am not that cheesy.
   
   
7. New England Patriots (3-2) – Previously: #7 – If you’re a Patriots fan, I’m sure you didn’t enjoy Josh McDaniels’ multiple fist-pumping celebration after Matt Prater hit the game-winning field goal in overtime. Well, because I had Denver +3 as my October NFL Pick of the Month, you can sure as hell bet that I did.
   
   In fact, I was so excited after Prater nailed that kick, that I easily out-performed McDaniels in the celebratory department. Honestly, a phone call from my dad stopped me from streaking naked down my block. I’m sure my Evil Vietnamese Neighbors would have enjoyed that.
   
   
8. Baltimore Ravens (3-2) – Previously: #5 – Stop the pass, please.
   
   With nothing more to say about my predicted Super Bowl champion, it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “That’s Aaron Rodgers for ya, big numbers to along with a loss. Plus Rodgers is too short to be a winner in the NFL”
   
   Height discriminator alert! Rodgers is 6-2. I guess no 6-2 quarterback has ever been a winner in the NFL. Attention everyone 6-2 or smaller: You suck!
   
   2. “FIRE CABLE..CUT JAMARCUS FIRE CABLE..CUT JAMARCUS FIRE CABLE..CUT JAMARCU”
   
   Poor guy was so upset he didn’t finish the final word in his comment.
   
   3. “GO PANTHERS GO PANTHERS JAKE DELHOMME IS BACK!”
   
   LIKE OMGZ JAKE DELHOMME IS BACKZZZZ!!! GO PANTHERS GO PANTHERS GOOOOOZZZZ!!!
   
   
9. Denver Broncos (5-0) – Previously: #12 – I loved Josh McDaniels’ new Wild Horses formation. If you missed it, it was like the Wildcat, only the quarterback lined up in the slot and then would motion over behind center depending on the coverage. The Broncos completed every single pass out of this formation.
   
   While I loved this new look, CBS color analyst Phil Simms took it to a whole other level. Here’s what Simms had to say about the Wild Horses formation:
   
   “That’s right, Jim. This new Wild Horses formation is unstoppable. I don’t know how it can be defended. I wish I could play in this Wild Horses formation. Yes, Jim. Every team in the league will be running the Wild Horses soon because you can’t defend it. It’s not possible. I love the Wild Horses formation. I wish I could have sex with the Wild Horses formation.”
   
   I’m just paraphrasing here.
   
   
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1) – Previously: #13 – I moved the Falcons into the Top 10 in the wake of New York’s loss.
    
    Notes from the Monday night game:
    
    1. I moved the Jets out of the Top 10 because Mark Sanchez hasn’t won a tough road game yet. He will soon, but he’s now 1-2 away from Giants Stadium and 0-2 in really hostile environments.
    
    2. Steve Young naturally jumbled the words, but he called the Sanchez-Chad Henne battle the best matchup of young quarterbacks he’s seen in a very long time. I’d have to agree. This game was awesome. We already knew how good Sanchez was, but Henne’s cannon of an arm makes Miami’s running game and Wildcat attack much more effective because defenders have to be wary of the deep ball.
    
    Henne’s top highlight was his long touchdown to Ted Ginn Jr., but I thought his best pass came on a 3rd-and-5 on the final drive. The Jets called an all-out blitz, yet Henne was able to stand in the pocket and deliver a pass to Greg Camarillo for 14 yards. That took the Dolphins down to New York’s 16. Henne later converted a 3rd-and-10 to Camarillo.
    
    3. Ricky Williams looks like he’s 24 again. I thought he was done before the season started. He looks really energized. It’s amazing what can happen once you stop smoking weed.
    
    4. Braylon Edwards looked awesome. But that’s no surprise. Edwards always shines on Monday night. I want to see if he can avoid dropping easy catches on Sundays.
    
    5. After the game, Henne said “Pat White has a little package.” Hey Chad, next time don’t stare in the showers.
    
    6. This game was fun to watch, even with the horrible officiating and Spanish Heritage stuff shoved down our throats I’ll have more on this in my Week 6 NFL Picks page.
    
    

32. Oakland Raiders (1-4) – Previously: #28 – The Oakland Raiders need to change their slogan to: “We may not be able to defeat you on the field, but at least our head coach can beat up yours!”

31. St. Louis Rams (0-5) – Previously: #32 – Two Jerks of the Week nominees: First, Jack Del Rio for suspending Mike Sims-Walker, which screwed thousands of fantasy owners (i.e. the people who watch the games and pay for Del Rio’s salary.) And second, Donnie Avery, who did some stupid touchdown dance when he scored to close the Minnesota-St. Louis deficit to 31-10.

What was Avery so happy about? Time for oddities!

5:1 – Avery was smart and bet on the Vikings to cover the spread. He was happy that he scored a touchdown, but had no chance of blowing his bet. Avery was simply overwhelmed by all of the things he could buy with his new-found money that he couldn’t contain himself.

4:1 – Avery was thrilled that after weeks and weeks, he finally got separation from a No. 1 corner and got into the end zone.

4:1 – Avery was just happy that he was able to score without fumbling before reaching the end zone.

EVEN – Avery was doing a jig to commemorate all of the fantasy teams he killed with his pathetic play this season.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-5) – Previously: #31 – During the Cowboys-Chiefs game, the listening audience was told that Todd Haley opined that the best tight end on his team is linebacker Mike Vrabel.

As forum member MiamiDolphin4Life put it, “Todd Haley said Mike Vrabel is the best TE on the team. FAIL!”

Well said. Maybe Haley would have a good tight end if, I don’t know, he didn’t trade Tony Gonzalez this past offseason.

Despite a spirited performance, it doesn’t look like the Chiefs are going to win until they visit the Raiders in Week 10. By then, Tom Cable could be in jail, unless, of course, he rolls doubles and gets out without paying money to Free Parking.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5) – Previously: #30 – If you talk to an investment guy, he might tell you to diversify your money into stocks, bonds, IRAs, real estate, etc.

I say that’s hogwash. If you really want to make some money with very little risk, just bet on teams that fire their offensive coordinators before the season. The Buccaneers, Bills and Chiefs did this, and they’re a combined 4-11 against the spread.

28. Buffalo Bills (1-4) – Previously: #24 – The Bills just lost to a team whose quarterback went 2-of-17, so it seems like a good time for…

Coach Profile: Dick Jauron

Positives:
– Is a nice, old man
– Can play Skeletor without any makeup in the next He-Man movie
– Maintains a 14-percent Head Coach Approval Rating – only 46 points away from a passing grade!
– Has his own Web site, Fire Dick Jauron? where you can buy a t-shirt that says “Pull Dick.”

Negatives:
– Has a keen sense for assembling the worst teams possible
– Happens to be great at not giving the ball to his best player
– Incapable of motivating a suicidal man to jump off a building
– Is selfless; despite being on the hot seat, he drafts players who can’t possibly help him win right away


27. Cleveland Browns (1-4) – Previously: #29 – If the Browns didn’t suck at life enough, the NFL is now investigating into James Davis’ shoulder injury that knocked him out for the season. Adam Schefter reported that Davis, wearing street clothes, tore his labrum after practice when he was “trucked” by a linebacker in full pads.

Eric Mangini already has five grievances filed against him this year. I’m not going to look this up, but let’s just say if he gets the magical No. 6, he’ll set an NFL record for most grievances in one season.

26. Washington Redskins (2-3) – Previously: #27 – Daniel Snyder was so angry after the loss to the Panthers that he didn’t fly home with the team. So, what did Snyder do instead? I have a theory:

I believe that Snyder has secret meetings with dark and disturbed people. These people have formed an organization called the “Crappy Sports Owners Society.” Current members include Snyder (Redskins), Al Davis (Raiders), William Clay Darth Sidious Ford (Lions), Malcolm Glazer (Buccaneers), Donald Sterling (Clippers), Bob Johnson (Bobcats), Peter Angelos (Orioles) and Bob Nutting (Pirates).

What do these idiots discuss at their secret meetings? Stay tuned.

25. Detroit Lions (1-4) – Previously: #26 – Words can’t describe my disdain for Daunte Culpepper right now. Last year, I bet the Lions +9 as my November NFL Pick of the Month, and watched a 17-0 Detroit lead disappear into a 38-20 loss. I could have used a backdoor score there, but nooo…

Eleven months later, Culpepper decides to backdoor the Steelers game this past Sunday with a meaningless touchdown to Dennis Northcutt, ruining my 1-unit play on Pittsburgh -11.

Culpepper’s lucky that I’m not some vengeful psychotic killer… Hehehehe…

24. Tennessee Titans (0-5) – Previously: #23 – I don’t know if I have enough to say about the Titans for a whole “Sunday night notes” segment. I mean, they pretty much debacled themselves with stupid personal-foul penalties which allowed Peyton Manning to go 93 yards in a minute at the end of the first half.

What I will say is that Vince Young needs to start after Tennessee’s Week 7 bye.

Kerry Collins is shot, so the Titans need to make sure that Young sucks so that they can cut him after the year is over and draft a quarterback in April. Young is 18-11 as a starter, so it’s not like he’s completely inept. Plus, in my 2009 Titans Season Preview, I said that Young would lead a comeback over the Jaguars in the second meeting between the two teams.

23. Carolina Panthers (1-3) – Previously: #25 – The Panthers actually won a game, and Jake Delhomme’s interception wasn’t his fault, so I can’t make fun of him this week. Instead, I’ll use this space for my exclusive interview with Texans coach Gary Kubiak:

ME: Hey Gary, thanks for joining me. Let’s get right to it. Your last two losses have come at the goal line. Will Chris Brown continue to be your goal-line back going forward?

KUBIAK: “Well, I don’t consider Chris Brown my goal-line back. I consider him my everything-in-the-clutch back.”

ME: What does that mean?

KUBIAK: “Well, here’s an example. Let’s say I have a plumber over to fix my pipes. I’ll have him do his thing until he’s almost done. When he’s about to tighten everything up, which is the most important part of the whole operation, I call on Chris Brown to do the job for him.”

ME: What? Why would you do that? Does Chris Brown know anything about plumbing?

KUBIAK: “It’s not just plumbing, Walt. I had an operation a few months ago. Right before they stitched me up, I made sure Chris Brown was in the operating room to handle it.”

ME: You’re nuts. I would think you’d let the professionals handle what they’re good at. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Chris Brown knows how to stitch people up.

KUBIAK: “Chris Brown knows all. In fact, I was plowing my mistress one sunny Saturday afternoon, and just before I was finished, I called up Chris Brown.”

ME: Ugh, come on Gary. You let Chris Brown finish having sex with your mistress? That’s gross, dude.

KUBIAK: “No, I didn’t do that. I called Chris Brown in to hold the camera so I could add the video to my extensive porn coll… wait a second. I think you might be on to something here with having Chris Brown do my mistress at the very end.”

ME: You’ve got to be kidding me.

KUBIAK: “No way! I’m going to talk to Chris Brown about doing this.”

ME: Have fun with that, Gary.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Jets (3-2). Previously: #8
12. Chicago Bears (3-1). Previously: #11
13. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1). Previously: #14
14. Miami Dolphins (2-3). Previously: #22
15. San Francisco 49ers (3-2). Previously: #10
16. San Diego Chargers (2-2). Previously: #15
17. Green Bay Packers (2-2). Previously: #16
18. Seattle Seahawks (2-3). Previously: #19
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-2). Previously: #21
20. Houston Texans (2-3). Previously: #18
21. Dallas Cowboys (3-2). Previously: #20
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3). Previously: #17

1. Titans (2.7)
2. Cardinals (2.8)
3. Ravens (3.1)
4. Dolphins (3.2)
5. Broncos (3.3)
6. Eagles (3.3)
7. Steelers (3.4)
8. Saints (3.5)
9. Packers (3.5)
10. 49ers (3.7)
11. Vikings (3.8)
12. Bears (3.9)
13. Rams (3.9)
14. Redskins (3.9)
15. Bengals (4.0)
16. Jaguars (4.0)
17. Jets (4.3)
18. Colts (4.3)
19. Cowboys (4.3)
20. Raiders (4.3)
21. Giants (4.5)
22. Patriots (4.5)
23. Bills (4.6)
24. Buccaneers (4.6)
25. Chiefs (4.7)
26. Chargers (4.8)
27. Panthers (4.9)
28. Seahawks (5.0)
29. Browns (5.0)
30. Falcons (5.1)
31. Lions (5.2)
32. Texans (5.2)

1. Jets (4.9)
2. Giants (5.1)
3. Bills (5.5)
4. Colts (5.6)
5. Broncos (5.8)
6. Saints (5.9)
7. Falcons (6.4)
8. Redskins (6.4)
9. Bengals (6.5)
10. Browns (6.5)
11. Steelers (6.6)
12. Eagles (6.6)
13. Bears (6.7)
14. Patriots (6.9)
15. Panthers (6.9)
16. 49ers (6.9)
17. Texans (6.9)
18. Seahawks (7.0)
19. Vikings (7.3)
20. Chargers (7.3)
21. Cowboys (7.3)
22. Packers (7.4)
23. Jaguars (7.7)
24. Cardinals (7.8)
25. Lions (7.9)
26. Ravens (8.0)
27. Raiders (8.1)
28. Chiefs (8.2)
29. Rams (8.3)
30. Titans (8.3)
31. Dolphins (8.4)
32. Buccaneers (9.4)