2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 10
Week 9 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (8-0) – Previously: #1 – Thank you for scaring everyone who used you guys in their survivor pool, Saints. I thought I was done when Carolina led 17-3.
   
   By the way, Brian Billick had something ridiculous to say during the Carolina-New Orleans telecast:
   
   “Jake Delhomme’s balls – and we’ve talked about this for weeks now – have seemed to be a little high.”
   
   Ah, so that’s why Delhomme has thrown so many picks. It’s because his balls are messed up. I should have known.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (8-0) – Previously: #2 – Huge game between the Patriots and Colts coming up. To get an inside look, let’s go to Keyshawn Johnson, who had this to say about Peyton Manning recently:
   
   “He’s quarterback human like all the quarterbacks in the NFL.”
   
   Apparently, when we weren’t paying attention, some people evolved into something called a quarterback human. So kids, if you’re reading this, just know that you have no chance of becoming a quarterback in the NFL unless you’ve evolved into a quarterback human. If you haven’t, too bad. There’s always baseball.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – Previously: #3 – Steelers notes from the Monday night game:
   
   1. I had the Steelers -3, but I had a really bad feeling about it when I saw that nose tackle Casey Hampton was bent over and sucking in oxygen after just two plays. I know he’s purposely overweight, but seriously? Two freaking plays? He couldn’t even last an entire drive before collapsing?
   
   2. Hampton’s stamina aside, the Steelers defense did an awesome job against the Broncos. They limited Denver to just 59 yards in the second half. Credit Pittsburgh’s coaching staff for making great halftime adjustments. I guess they finally realized that they shouldn’t be scared of the long pass because Kyle Orton throws like a 12-year-old girl.
   
   3. Steelers fans are awesome. Broncos backers definitely support their team well, but the Invesco Field stands were packed with people waving Terrible Towels. It’s amazing how well Steelers fans travel when teams like the Jaguars and Rams can barely fill the seats at home.
   
   4. Poor officiating on both sides. The referee, Don Carey, also had a really amusing announcement in the second half:
   
   “After the interception, illegal block in the back. Intercepting team.”
   
   What’s so funny about that? He made that announcement after a punt return. I know Orton sucks, but it’s still pretty difficult to throw an interception on a punt return, Don.
   
   
4. Minnesota Vikings (7-1) – Previously: #4 – I constantly criticize stupid athletes and make fun of fat coaches on this site, so it’s only right that I praise some NFL personnel once in a while.
   
   Major dap needs to be given to Vikings safety Madieu Williams. The University of Maryland recently announced the creation of the Madieu Williams Center for Global Health Initiatives. Williams is providing a $2 million endowment.
   
   
5. New England Patriots (6-2) – Previously: #5 – Bill Belichick had a week off to prepare for the Dolphins. Tom Brady was going against two rookie cornerbacks. Yet, the Patriots won by just 10 and failed to cover the spread. WalterFootball.com is unimpressed.
   
   With that in mind, it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “man da pats are not better den da dolphins we jus as gud dey jus got better receivers nd if tedd ginn can come threw again we can pull it off.”
   
   Aren’t you glad that I provide more in-depth analysis than this? Thanks to Richard L. for e-mailing me this gem.
   
   2. “Hope Porter breaks Brady’s knee’s…what will it cost …15 yards? If I was the Miami coach I’d give bonuses to any player that can end brady”
   
   Call me crazy, but I foresee prison time in this person’s future.
   
   3. “LOL boy im cut like suraded ya momma shaped like a potata…sandhu”
   
   I’m going to steal this guy’s rhymes so I can impress all the girlz.
   
   
6. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2) – Previously: #6 – If you didn’t see it, Chad Ochocinco jokingly tried to bribe the officials with a dollar bill to rule a difficult catch of his a completion.
   
   Chad, the next time you do this, you’re going to need at least $5. And I would also target John Parry, Scott Green and Walt Coleman. Parry and Green are crooks and have shown that they’ll gladly fix a game for any sort of money. Coleman, the guy who screwed up the Eagles-Cowboys game, is senile and will think you’re either his father or his best friend if you give him five bucks.
   
   By the way, make sure you check out my exclusive interview with Coleman below.
   
   
7. Arizona Cardinals (5-3) – Previously: #10 – Poor Matt Leinart tossed an interception on his only attempt of the game Sunday. Ken Whisenhunt should punish him by telling him that he can’t hang out with Nick Lachey this week.
   
   By the way, Brad Biggs, the Bears beat writer for the Chicago Sun-Times, reported Sunday morning that Anquan Boldin would be starting against Chicago. This essentially screwed all of Boldin’s fantasy owners who left their house afterward to go to church or to a stadium to tailgate. News broke two hours later that Boldin would be out.
   
   This is the second week in a row that a guy from a major sports news outlet incorrectly reported a player’s status. FOX Sports’ John Czarnecki said a week ago that Bernard Berrian would be out. Berrian went on to score a touchdown that day.
   
   Want to know why newspaper sales are down? It’s because people just don’t trust irresponsible reporters like Biggs and Czarnecki anymore. These small guys are so eager to be the next Adam Schefter and make it to ESPN that they break false or premature stories. The Sun-Times and FOX Sports should consider kidnapping Schefter so that they can clone him.
   
   
8. Dallas Cowboys (6-2) – Previously: #13 – Some notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. I’m not going to praise the Cowboys for their win over the Eagles. I’m not going to say anything about their 6-2 record. If you want to hear analysis like this, tune into ESPN.
   
   Winning in November has never been an issue for the Cowboys. They have to prove to me that they can avoid choking in December and January. Once they come up big late in the year, I’ll give them credit.
   
   I plan on using this space to criticize the Eagles instead.
   
   2. Forum member Cutty stole my thunder a bit by creating a thread about why Donovan McNabb pisses him off.
   
   Forgive me for sounding like Rush Limbaugh, but McNabb is incredibly overrated. He’s a mediocre quarterback who plays great against crappy teams and always chokes in the clutch. Don’t believe me? The Eagles are 1-8-1 in their last 10 games that were decided by seven points or less.
   
   A more telling stat is McNabb has only one come-from-behind victory in the fourth quarter in the past four years. He’s thrown up on the field more times than that!
   
   And as Emmitt would say, “Donovan McNabb is not the brightest light bulb in the tool box.” After the Cowboys loss, McNabb told the media, “I’m not going to make any excuses about the officiating.”
   
   A minute later, when someone asked McNabb why he has trouble in close games, he replied, “Well, it’s tough to win when you get calls like that.”
   
   As Emmitt would say, “You cannot have your cake and have it too.”
   
   3. Once I saw the Eagles were in choke mode and involved in a close game, I knew they weren’t coming back against Dallas. Of course it’s tough to say who’s more responsible for Philadelphia’s choking woes between McNabb and Andy Reid. Reid was once again up to his old tricks, wasting timeouts, refusing to run the ball and challenging stupid plays (the second challenge was warranted; the first was just dumb).
   
   After the game, Reid refused to criticize the officiating: “I can’t go into the challenges. I can’t do that. Unless you want to pay the fine.”
   
   What kind of head coach is this? If I were screwed by the refs, I’d be pissed off. Reid’s made millions in his 11 years as head coach of the Eagles. A $10,000 fine should be meaningless to him.
   
   4. Speaking of Reid, why in the world did he opt for a field goal down seven points late in the fourth quarter? That’s the same dumb move that Romeo Crennel was criticized for last year.
   
   What made Reid’s decision even worse was that he let 40 seconds tick off the clock before he kicked the meaningless field goal. According to NFL.com, the third-down play occurred with 5:19 remaining in regulation. The field goal then took place at 4:33. If the clock was running down and the Eagles had no timeouts, why did they just waste 40 seconds like this? What is going on here?
   
   5. QB Dog Killer was on the field for a whopping two plays. Two freaking plays. Why did the Eagles sign this scumbag if they’re not even going to use him? This just shows how clueless Reid is. He has no plan.
   
   6. The NFL should be embarrassed that Walt Coleman is still officiating. It seems like he makes mistakes every week. It was pretty obvious that McNabb sneaked for that first down (just ask Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth), but when Reid challenged the call, I had no faith that Coleman would get it right.
   
   Just watching and listening to Coleman, it’s apparent that he belongs in an old-age home; not on an NFL field. If you’re old enough to remember World War I, you shouldn’t be an NFL referee.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) – Previously: #7 – The bad news is that the Ravens have fallen to 4-4, meaning they’ll have to finish 6-2 at the very worst to have a chance at the playoffs.
   
   The good news is that Brian Billick isn’t the head coach. Above, I gave you a quote of his about Jake Delhomme’s balls. Here’s another Billick gem from last week:
   
   “If they three-and-out here, they’ve stymied their edge here.”
   
   I don’t understand how the Ravens won a Super Bowl with a coach talking nonsense like that. What does that even mean? Who uses “three-and-out” as a verb? Other TV analysts like Emmitt Smith don’t even know what a verb is, yet Billick seems to think he can turn any word or phrase into one.
   
   
10. Denver Broncos (6-2) – Previously: #9 – Some Broncos notes from the Monday night game:
    
    1. As I’ve been saying all week, it’s the beginning of the end for Denver. Kyle Orton is just too limited. He has the arm strength of a 12-year-old girl, so the Broncos, like the Dolphins with Chad Pennington last year, can’t get anything downfield. They have to rely on all short junk. That’ll work against the Raiders and Browns of the NFL, but defenses like the Ravens and Steelers will swallow that up.
    
    2. Speaking of which, I found it hilarious when Ron Jaworski got excited about an explosive Denver play in the second quarter. Jaws said something like, “Gawrsh, the Broncos just allowed a touchdown, so I love that they just hit an explosive play, ha-hyuck.”
    
    What’s funny about that was the fact that Denver’s “explosive play” was just 15 yards. In fact, the Broncos’ longest gain of the night was 20 yards.
    
    3. I was pissed off when I saw Eddie Royal come up with two impressive grabs on the opening drive of the game. Royal finished with five catches for 74 yards, but Orton and Josh McDaniels suck so much that Royal’s not worth picking up in fantasy leagues. McDaniels simply doesn’t believe in putting the ball in the hands of his best players.
    
    

32. Cleveland Browns (1-7) – Previously: #31 – The Browns were on a bye, so let’s do a profile:

Coach Profile: Eric Mangini

Positives:
– Can easily be called “Eric Mangina.” All you have to do is type “a” at the end of his name instead of “i.”
– Is very efficient; doesn’t waste time doing silly things like making friends
– Won’t ever be blamed for anything; always keeps a fallback guy around him
– Can be an undercover cop if his coaching gig fails; looks exactly like a random pizza delivery boy

Negatives:
– Refuses to play promising young players; opts to go with crappy old veterans instead
– Is foolish enough to believe that hiding the identity of his starting quarterback gives him a competitive advantage (hey, they could be 0-8 right now if he didn’t do this)
– Happens to be exempt from making foolish trades because he can just blame others for it
– Has boring slumper parties at his house that no one shows up to aside from his best friend, Shannon Sharpe

31. Detroit Lions (1-7) – Previously: #30 – The Lions are the kings of blowing 17-0 leads and not covering as double-digit underdogs. No one does it better. In fact, I’d advise the Lions to fall behind 17-0 rather than go ahead 17-0; they’d probably have a better chance at winning the game using the former strategy.

30. St. Louis Rams (1-7) – Previously: #29 – A week off from losing for the Rams, so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Walt Coleman, the official who has screwed up tons of games in the past two seasons, including the Eagles-Cowboys Sunday night battle:

ME: Hey Walt, thanks for joining me.

COLEMAN: “No problem, Walt. Hey, I’m confused. If you’re Walt, then who am I?”

ME: You said the same thing the last time I interviewed you, so I’ll ignore that. I just had to have you back on after you royally screwed up the Eagles-Cowboys game.

COLEMAN: “What did I do wrong? I like Eagles and I like Cowboys!”

ME: I’m referring to the game you officiated Sunday night in Philadelphia.

COLEMAN: “The call on the field is confirmed!”

ME: What? What are you talking about? We’re doing an interview here.

COLEMAN: “Sorry, I forgot. I don’t even know what to ask you. Do you like hamburgers? Are you my friend Jeff?”

ME: No, Walt, I’m the one conducting the interview. I don’t get how you messed up that Donovan McNabb spot in the fourth quarter. Both Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth both harped about how the ball should have been on the Eagles’ beak, yet you just said the call was confirmed without offering any explanation.

COLEMAN: “The call on the field is confirmed!”

ME: Yes, that’s exactly what you said.

COLEMAN: “What did I say? Who are you? Do you like hamburgers? Are you my friend Jeff?”

ME: No, I’m not your friend Jeff.

COLEMAN: “Well if you’re not Jeff, am I Jeff?”

ME: No, you’re Walt.

COLEMAN: “But I thought you were Walt.”

ME: Ugh, not again.

COLEMAN: “The call on the field is confirmed!”

ME: More like your senility is confirmed.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7) – Previously: #28 – For weeks, I’ve been saying that Todd Haley is a moron. Now, I have scientific proof.

With Larry Johnson out, Haley finally was forced into starting Jamaal Charles, the most talented running back on his roster by a mile. Haley even went on to compliment Charles during the week, saying that Charles was finally “getting it.”

Despite all of this, Charles had nine touches (6 carries, 36 yards; 3 catches, 19 rec. yards).

But here’s my scientific proof: The Chiefs had 12 drives in this game. On seven of those possessions, Charles either touched the ball or was targeted with a pass. That means that he wasn’t involved in the offense in those other five drives.

Here’s the breakdown:

On the seven drives that Charles saw the ball go his way, Kansas City scored 20 points and averaged an amazing 35.7 yards per possession.

On the five drives that Charles didn’t get a touch or a target, Kansas City scored three points and averaged a laughable 8.4 yards per possession.

It’s official: TODD HALEY IS CLUELESS AND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO COACH FOOTBALL. Sure, he did a great job coordinating the Cardinals last year, but that wasn’t exactly difficult because he had Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.

If you’re reading this and know a Chiefs fan, please send this link around to spread the word about Haley’s ineptness. He must not be allowed to coach another game.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7) – Previously: #32 – Congratulations to the Buccaneers, who somehow won their first game of the season.

In related news, Tampa Bay is now 101-223 all-time in those creamsicle jerseys (according to Chris Berman). This means that the Buccaneers would have to win 122 consecutive games in those jerseys just to get back to .500. If they start now and wear the Creamsicle every game from now on, they can accomplish this feat in Week 2 of the 2017 season!

27. Oakland Raiders (2-6) – Previously: #27 – I’m depressed. The Raiders had the week off, so I can’t make fun of JaMarcus Russell and his stupid quotes like, “I don’t think it’s me personally, I really don’t. It’s a bad combination of one guy doesn’t so somethin right one time and he doesn’t do… no, it all plays a… play… I personally don’t think it’s me… Do you think so?”

But speaking of quotes, forum member Yashi responded to my great scientific research of Todd Haley’s misuse of Jamaal Charles. I’m pretty sure most Chiefs fans feel this way:

“Just imagine being a Chiefs fan who has been calling for Charles to be more involved since his rookie year, and for him to start since week 2 of this season. Watching LJ slooowly get to the line of scrimmage and then just get stuffed for 0 yards repeatedly. Then Charles gets a random carry here or there for 5 or 10 yards and immediately gets taken back out.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to go jump off a bridge now. This has really been the most frustrating season ever. At least last year I was able to watch Thigpen play college football in the NFL somewhat successfully, which was at least entertaining.”

26. Washington Redskins (2-6) – Previously: #26 – Perhaps Daniel Snyder should hire Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak as his coordinators next time. Oh, I used this joke already? Well in that case, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “We drafted Charles Rogers instead of Andre Johnson, we drafted Joey Harrington instead of Drew Bree’s.”

Who is Drew Bree, and why is he possessive? Joey Harrington and Drew Brees were drafted a year apart, but I’m not sure about Harrington and Bree.

2. “Skins fans are great fans, don’t let a few racist who will prolly end up committing suicide ruin if for all of them!”

Parents, make sure you teach your kids that racism is wrong. If they become racists, they will “prolly” end up committing suicide!

3. “skins are embaressing me at school. and know im going to be taunted again and im getting tired of it.”

If the Skins weren’t “embaressing” you enough, now everyone will be able to laugh at your awful spelling.

25. Buffalo Bills (3-5) – Previously: #25 – The Bills were on a bye, so the fans didn’t get a chance to watch their team lose. Instead, they got some pretty bad news.

Before the Cowboys-Eagles game, Tony Dungy announced that there’s a good chance that QB Dog Killer will sign with Buffalo after this season.

Bills fans, before you go hang yourselves, let’s try to figure out why owner Ralph Wilson is considering this move. Time for oddities!

7:1 – “Who cares about what the fans think? It’s all about selling tickets and generating media interest! That’s why I brought in Owens!”

5:1 – Signing QB Dog Killer would be cheaper than spending a top-10 pick on a legitimate franchise quarterback.

3:1 – After watching animal abuse reach an all-time high in Philadelphia the past few months, Wilson decided that he needs to eliminate all of the dogs and cats in the Buffalo area. After all, dogs and cats can’t buy tickets or jerseys, meaning no profit can be made from them.

EVEN – “Michael Vick is still good, right? I haven’t been paying attention the past five years. Instead, I’ve been trying to think of ways to screw the fans. Maybe we should play all of our home games in Canada!”

24. Seattle Seahawks (3-5) – Previously: #22 – I’m generally not a fan of moving a team down after a win, but the Seahawks trailed the Lions 17-0 at one point. The same Lions who lost to the Rams. And I had to move the Titans up, so someone had to move into the Bottom 10.

By the way, thanks to Josh Wilson for returning that pick-six for a touchdown, giving all of us Seattle -10 backers an undeserved cover. That eased the pain a bit from the time that the Lions ruined my 2008 November NFL Pick of the Month by blowing a 17-0 lead to Tampa Bay to lose 35-20 as 9.5-point home underdogs.

If you’re wondering whether this victory will finally stop me from complaining about that bad beat, it won’t. That loss cost me 8.8 units. This win gave me three units. According to my nifty Windows Vista calculator, the Lions still owe me 5.8 units. And let’s not forget Ted Ginn’s 11 units. I’ll continue to complain until all of my units are restored. Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4) – Previously: #24 – Closing the book on Todd Haley this week, I had to mention a quote of his following the Chiefs’ loss to the Jaguars.

When asked why he didn’t run the ball that much, Haley said he was surprised that the Jaguars were playing mostly a 4-3. “It wasn’t what we practiced against,” Haley said.

I can think of a billion sarcastic/witty/insulting things to say here, but I think forum member EllijayFalconsFan summed it up best:

“We were not prepared for a base 4-3 defense.”

Thats when you know your coach sucks.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Houston Texans (5-4). Previously: #11
12. Atlanta Falcons (5-3). Previously: #14
13. San Diego Chargers (5-3). Previously: #17
14. Philadelphia Eagles (5-3). Previously: #8
15. New York Giants (5-4). Previously: #12
16. Chicago Bears (4-4). Previously: #15
17. Miami Dolphins (3-5). Previously: #18
18. New York Jets (4-4). Previously: #19
19. Green Bay Packers (4-4). Previously: #16
20. Carolina Panthers (3-5). Previously: #21
21. Tennessee Titans (2-6). Previously: #23
22. San Francisco 49ers (3-5). Previously: #20

1. Steelers (3.3)
2. Eagles (3.5)
3. Packers (3.5)
4. Ravens (3.6)
5. Dolphins (3.7)
6. Bengals (3.7)
7. Broncos (3.9)
8. Cardinals (4.0)
9. Vikings (4.0)
10. Jets (4.1)
11. Bears (4.2)
12. Redskins (4.2)
13. Rams (4.2)
14. Cowboys (4.3)
15. Chargers (4.3)
16. Falcons (4.3)
17. Panthers (4.3)
18. Colts (4.4)
19. Giants (4.4)
20. Seahawks (4.5)
21. Texans (4.5)
22. Saints (4.6)
23. 49ers (4.6)
24. Patriots (4.6)
25. Jaguars (4.7)
26. Buccaneers (4.7)
27. Chiefs (4.7)
28. Raiders (4.7)
29. Titans (4.8)
30. Browns (4.8)
31. Lions (4.9)
32. Bills (5.1)

1. Jets (5.0)
2. Colts (5.9)
3. Bills (5.9)
4. Saints (6.1)
5. Redskins (6.2)
6. Steelers (6.3)
7. Broncos (6.4)
8. Patriots (6.4)
9. Seahawks (6.6)
10. Packers (6.7)
11. Chargers (6.7)
12. Texans (6.8)
13. Eagles (6.9)
14. Bengals (6.9)
15. Cowboys (7.0)
16. Panthers (7.0)
17. Giants (7.0)
18. Cardinals (7.1)
19. Bears (7.1)
20. 49ers (7.3)
21. Vikings (7.4)
22. Jaguars (7.4)
23. Falcons (7.5)
24. Ravens (7.5)
25. Lions (7.5)
26. Rams (7.6)
27. Browns (7.8)
28. Raiders (7.9)
29. Chiefs (8.1)
30. Dolphins (8.3)
31. Titans (8.4)
32. Buccaneers (8.7)