2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 15
Week 14 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New England Patriots (11-2) – Previously: #1 – The Patriots are far and away the best team in the NFL. Barring major injury or a thief with scissors who steals Tom Brady’s hair, they will at least go to the Super Bowl.
   
   But I don’t need to tell you that. You can flip on ESPN or the NFL Network to hear all about New England’s greatness.
   
   Speaking of the NFL Network, here’s a funny Facebook post from Dain O:
   
   Why do you think Jamie Dukes has turned into such a crap analyst? Do you think it’s because he found out that even though Papa John’s sponsors the NFL Network, he does not get free pizza?
   
   Interesting theory. I’m willing to bet Jamie has lost countless hours of sleep wondering why he doesn’t receive free pizza.
   
   
2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4) – Previously: #6 – I think it’s pretty apparent that the Eagles’ loss to the Bears was a fluke. If Chicago doesn’t tip QB Dog Killer’s pass and intercept it in the end zone, Philadelphia probably wins that game.
   
   Speaking of which, I have to mention how disappointed I am that QB Dog Killer leads all players in Pro Bowl voting. Fortunately, this story from an anti-QB Dog Killer person brought a smile to my face.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) – Previously: #3 – The Steelers struggled on offense against Cincinnati because Ben Roethlisberger forgot to install windshield wipers on his nifty new visor. Come on, Ben. Get it together.
   
   Hilarious forum post from McNulty regarding CBS analyst Dan Dierdorf’s infatuation with Roethlisberger: Dierdorf would love to be Big Ben’s next victim.
   
   
4. New Orleans Saints (10-3) – Previously: #4 – The Saints are still making stupid mistakes. Yesterday, they were guilty of several drops. As good as they are, they won’t be able to beat the top teams in the NFL by shooting themselves in the foot.
   
   I need to mention this: New Orleans safety Roman Harper is four months younger than me. Why is this noteworthy? Because Harper has a full head of gray hair. When he took off his helmet following that non-fumble return, I gasped. It was all gray.
   
   How is he gray already? I’m four months older than him, so does that mean I’ll be going gray soon? Should I just purchase a walker and apply for a senior citizen discount card now? Screw you, Roman, for making me depressed.
   
   
5. Atlanta Falcons (11-2) – Previously: #7 – SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt or John Anderson (can’t remember which one; they all look the same to me – sorry for being racist) made a huge error during the Sunday night/Monday night telecast when he said, “No one is resting their starters this year.”
   
   Really? Because I nearly had a heart attack when the commissioner of my $200 fantasy football touchdown league announced that the playoffs would be in Weeks 15-17 this year if the Vikings-Giants game couldn’t be played this week.
   
   Michael Turner is one of my two running backs (he’s incredible in a touchdown format), and you better believe that Atlanta won’t be playing him much if the team beats the Saints in Week 16 and has everything locked up.
   
   Thank God the Vikings-Giants game was played Monday night, or I would have been forced to take a crap on Van Pelt or Anderson’s front porch.
   
   
6. New York Jets (9-4) – Previously: #2 – Vegas just posted the worst line I’ve ever seen. The Steelers are -6.5 over the Jets. Pittsburgh was -8.5 over Cincinnati, so this means that the Jets are allegedly only two points better than the Bengals.
   
   I love public overreaction. And so does Vegas. There’s a reason the sportsbooks rake in millions upon millions every year, while tens of thousands of bettors lose so much money that they have to whore themselves out and turn tricks on the corner.
   
   
7. Green Bay Packers (8-5) – Previously: #5 – Poor Packers. If Aaron Rodgers misses more than one week, they’re done.
   
   I have to wonder why they didn’t use James Starks more against the Lions. Starks is the most talented of all their backs, and it’s not even close. Yet, Rotoworld ran the following report after the game:
   
   As promised by the Packers coaches, Starks was part of the three-man committee with Brandon Jackson and Dimitri Nance.
   
   How does this make any sort of sense? It’s like a guy saying, “I’m going to date three separate chicks: Katy Perry, Rosie O’Donnell and Nancy Pelosi.” Why don’t you just date Katy Perry, you f***ing moron?
   
   
8. New York Giants (9-4) – Previously: #8 – I’m watching the Giants-Vikings game on the NFL Network as I’m typing this.
   
   There’s nothing noteworthy here; both teams understandably look like they’re sleepwalking. There’s a penalty on every other play. And Joe Buck just made a great comment: “There is no flow to this game.”
   
   It’s a shame that the Vikings had to travel at the last second; I really liked them (3 units) when they were hosting the Giants. When this game moved to Detroit, I switched my pick to New York.
   
   Anyway, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them (the second from Sam F; the third from forum member Sitisfit):
   
   1. “we are officiually back to the old bengals dame one hit wonders we are were at the bottom thats the realization i have to face”
   
   Here’s another realization: You’re a moron.
   
   2. “mcourtney is not going to be rookie of the year because sam bradford and not defensive rookie of the year ndamkung suh”
   
   One of Emmitt’s problems was using double negatives in his sentences. Maybe Emmitt taught English at this guy’s school.
   
   3. “CRYBOYS GETTIN IT IN THE A**!!! THEY MUST HAVE SUM NICE B00TY CUZ EVERYONES GETTIN SUM ”
   
   Indeed. Brett Favre just texted them.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (9-4) – Previously: #9 – Here are my thoughts on the Ravens-Texans game:
   
   1. The Texans have now trailed by 14, came back to tie or take the lead, and then eventually lost four times this season. That’s an NFL record.
   
   I don’t know what happened, but Houston played with no energy in the first half. The team dropped seven passes and whiffed on numerous tackles. Ironically, the Texans wore their Battle Red jerseys. More like Lay Down and Die Red jerseys.
   
   They came back, thanks to 99- and 95-yard drives against Baltimore’s defense. However, Matt Schaub tossed a careless pick-six in overtime, to the chagrin of all Houston +3 bettors out there (myself included). The Texans just find new ways to lose each week.
   
   2. I don’t know what happened to Baltimore’s defense. The Ravens could not generate any sort of pass rush on Schaub in the fourth quarter. It’s not like the Texans went up and down the field on the Jaguars or anything. When does Baltimore ever allow 99- and 95-yard drives in the same quarter?
   
   3. The 95-yard drive never would have happened if the Ravens just ran the ball on a 3rd-and-2 with 2:50 remaining in regulation. The Texans didn’t have any timeouts, yet Cam Cameron opted to throw the ball. Joe Flacco’s pass was batted away, awarding Houston with an extra 40 seconds. This wouldn’t be too noteworthy, but Cameron made the same mistake last week.
   
   4. Here are some odd quotes from Jon Gruden. Facebook friend Steve L pointed this out: According to the Jon Gruden, Matt Schaub is stroking balls and throwing babies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
   
   Meanwhile, forum member McNulty posted this:
   
   All I know is that Gruden brought a new acronym into the NFL lexicon tonight.
   
   YAM = Yards after Missed Tackles. Some might call it Yards after Contact, but not Jon Gruden.
   
   I’ll have some more Gruden quotes on the NFL Picks page.
   
   
10. San Diego Chargers (7-6) – Previously: #11 – If the Chargers and Chiefs tie for the divisional crown, can’t we just vote San Diego into the playoffs over Kansas City? The Chargers are so much better; it’s not even close.
    
    Anyway, a funny e-mail from Karl M:
    
    Sorry I didn’t get this to you sooner, but I wondered if you caught the hilarious quote from Dan Fouts during the Raiders-Chargers game this week.
    
    After Darren Sproles got laid out by Rolando McClain and had to gather himself on the turf for a few minutes, Sproles walked off the field on his own power. Astounded that he didn’t leave the field on a stretcher, the other CBS analyst (forgot who he his) commented on Sproles’ toughness by saying that his nickname as a child was “Tank” because he was 10 pounds when his mother gave birth to him.
    
    Fouts’ response:
    
    “He’s still 10 pounds.”
    
    

32. Carolina Panthers (1-12) – Previously: #32 – Carolina has one of the most important games in franchise history coming up. On Sunday, the Panthers battle the Cardinals.

Why is this contest significant? Well, Carolina is favored. If they win and the Bengals continue to lose, Cincinnati will have the No. 1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. If the Panthers lose, they’ll have the top pick.

Whoever secures the No. 1 overall selection will get both Andrew Luck and Jim Harbaugh. Whoever drafts No. 2 will continue to suck for years.

Don’t screw this up, Panthers.

31. Denver Broncos (3-10) – Previously: #28 – Kyle Orton’s mojo is gone. In fact, he looked like a lost kid crying for his mommy against the Cardinals. Say what you want about Josh McDaniels, but he breast fed Orton like no one else.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11) – Previously: #30 – It’s a shame that Colt McCoy will probably be back for Cleveland this week because Jake Delhomme and Carson Palmer could have set the NFL record for pick-sixes in a single game.

Palmer blew that game all by himself. He’s terrible. If I were Marvin Lewis, I’d put a blindfold on Palmer and tell him to use the force. I actually think he’d throw fewer interceptions if he played without the use of his eyesight.

29. Arizona Cardinals (4-9) – Previously: #31 – Seriously, Cardinals, stop popping confetti after short field goals. It’s embarrassing.

The Adventure of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask continues!

Anderson: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

John Skelton: What did you say, fool!?

Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn I’mmzzzz noottt a foooollll I’mmmaaaa vetrrraannnn playurrrrr. Take a ssssip.

Skelton: I will not take a sip, for I am John Skelton! My strong arm is too powerful for your flask RAAWWWRRRR!

Anderson: Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

28. Seattle Seahawks (6-7) – Previously: #23 – The Seahawks can only beat Derek Anderson and Jimmy Clawful. They stink.

But don’t worry, Seattle fans. Facebook friend Robby A. knows how to fix things. He posted the following series of posts on my wall:

– nahh i think [the Colts] tag and trade peyton manning, trade up and get jake locker

– how bout payton for matt hassellback and the seahawks 1st rounder

*** Matt J’s response: How about passing along some of that s*** you’re smoking because it seems to be working really well. ***

– i dont smoke. what am i saying that is so dumb? think the trade would beinfit the colts.

*** My response: Colts trade Peyton Manning? How did this turn into an NFL.com GameCenter thread? ***

– becuase he is 33 and if the colts could aquire a vetern and jake locker for him it would be a good move. what im trying to say is manning is on the decline and the colts could rip off a steal of a trade.

That’s right, Seahawk fans. Matt Hasselbeck and this year’s first-round pick for Peyton Manning! W00t!

27. Detroit Lions (3-10) – Previously: #29 – The last time the city of Detroit hosted a Monday Night Football game prior to this week: Oct. 8, 2001.

Nine years, two months and five days later, Monday Night Football finally returned to Detroit. Unfortunately, the Lions weren’t invited. Seriously, even the players were turned down at the ticket office.

26. Buffalo Bills (3-10) – Previously: #27 – I love Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, but I’m sick of them praising these crappy teams for trying hard and winning meaningless games.

Crappy teams that win games should be chastised. Just look at the Rams. They mailed it in for the most part last year, and now they’re going to be a Super Bowl contender for the next 10-15 years because of Sam Bradford.

Meanwhile, the Bills’ dumb victory over Cleveland screwed the fans out of getting Andrew Luck. Buffalo now gets to go 6-10 for the next five years, while the Panthers or Bengals can become one of the top teams in the NFL by 2012 or 2013.

25. Tennessee Titans (5-8) – Previously: #25 – The Titans pulled off one of the craziest backdoor covers I’ve ever seen. While losing that game sucked, I really enjoyed Cousin Sal’s tweet afterward:

Hey Jeff Fisher-we know U made $ off that back door cover. Counting off 100’s during the post game press conference is just rubbing it in.

Three other funny comments from the Colts-Titans game:

CKane138: I’m surprised the Titans aren’t playing with more heart after the tragic death of Randy Moss.

Casey M: Matt Millen just referred to Randy Moss as “someone that would make a good head coach.”

Brandon K: Who let Kerry Collins out of rehab and allowed him to hit the worst backdoor cover of the year???

24. Washington Redskins (5-8) – Previously: #24 – Does Mike Shanahan actually believe that Rex Grossman gives him a better chance of winning than Donovan McNabb? I’d be surprised by this, but Shanahan stuck with Jake Plummer for years in Denver. Maybe he just has no eye for talent.

At any rate, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “our offense never look the gud with chilly but d need to do better”

I don’t think any offense in NFL history look the gud.

2. “man we gone win regaurdless of what you all think”

And regaurdless of how you spell, apparently.

3. “why u ask that. are you black?? spelling YUNG??? for young!!!! race aint got no say so, it doesnt matter what race you are, its football not slavery dumbo.”

And here I thought GameCenter was a racist-free community. I’m very disappointed.

23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8) – Previously: #26 – Are the Niners good again, or are the Seahawks just epically bad? I’m very confused.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all heard about Sal Alosi, the Jets strength coach, who tripped Nolan Carroll on the sidelines on Sunday. Or allegedly tripped. Even though he apologized, I’m not completely sure he tripped him. A guy was running full speed toward him. Maybe he just planted his knee just in case Carroll ran into him. That’s what I would have done anyway.

To investigate this, I asked Alosi to sit down with me for an interview:

ME: Hey Sal, thanks for joining me.

ALOSI: “Pssst… psssssstttt… are we alone?”

ME: Umm… yeah.

ALOSI: “OK! Listen, if there’s anyone you don’t like, I can make them pay. Just give me some cash and I’ll make it happen. All I’ll have to do is issue an apology.”

ME: What? And here I was defending you! You’re saying you did this on purpose?

ALOSI: “Of course. Duh! A Jets fan paid me five bucks to do it!”

ME: Wow. I’m speechless.

ALOSI: “Yeah, so, we got a deal? Who don’t you like? I’ll make sure a rival football site’s owner hurts himself. Just give me three bucks.”

ME: Three bucks? Really?

ALOSI: “Fine, two bucks. OK, $1.25 will do it. I just want to buy a soda at the machine.”

ME: I can’t believe you’re willing to hurt someone for the price of a soda.

ALOSI: “Oh yeah, no probz! Someone paid me a quarter to trip my momma. I was about to do it, but she made me apple tort. I love apple tort.”

ME: Well, I hope your momma makes you tons of apple tort during your suspension.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Chicago Bears (9-4). Previously: #10
12. Dallas Cowboys (4-9). Previously: #12
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6). Previously: #13
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5). Previously: #15
15. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5). Previously: #14
16. Minnesota Vikings (5-8). Previously: #16
17. St. Louis Rams (6-7). Previously: #17
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5). Previously: #18
19. Cleveland Browns (5-8). Previously: #19
20. Miami Dolphins (7-6). Previously: #20
21. Oakland Raiders (6-7). Previously: #21
22. Houston Texans (5-8). Previously: #22