2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 8
Week 7 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1) – Previously: #1 – If you didn’t watch Sunday NFL Countdown this week, you missed a feature where the saucy Rachel Nichols interviewed Rashard Mendenhall about his dancing lessons. Mendenhall apparently took up dancing when he suffered a season-ending injury back in 2008, and he claims that it really helped him.
   
   You may laugh about this, but it works. I bought a bacon-and-cheddar hoagie a week ago, and my picks sucked. So with that in mind, I switched to a ham-and-Swiss hoagie this week, and my picks did really well. Either way, NOM NOM NOM NOM.
   
   
2. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – Previously: #2 – Speaking of the Steelers, I’m sure Baltimore fans will appreciate this:
   
   Why does it seem like there are always shady calls in Pittsburgh games? From yesterday’s embarrassing “I don’t know who recovered the fumble” ruling, to the Super Bowl XL hijinks, to the bad calls in all of the Steelers-Ravens clashes, to the ref negating a last-second Troy Polamalu touchdown that would have given Pittsburgh the cover over San Diego a couple of years ago, something weird always happens to go down.
   
   Is it a coincidence that the Rooney family made its money on sportsbooking back when it was legal decades ago? Hmm… I’d delve more into this, but I don’t want to see a bloody horse’s head in my bed when I wake up tomorrow.
   
   
3. Indianapolis Colts (4-2) – Previously: #3 – If Peyton Manning wins only one Super Bowl in his career, he can blame Bill Polian.
   
   For some reason, Polian insists on sticking Manning with liquored-up kickers and punters. How about you find some special-teamers who aren’t alcoholics, Bill?
   
   
4. New York Jets (5-1) – Previously: #4 – The Jets were on a bye, so let me use this space to remind everyone once again that I rank these teams from 1-32 based on how good I think they are. I don’t look at records. If I did look at records, here’s what my analysis would be like:
   
   OMG THE NUMBER IN THE FIRST COLUMN OF TEAM X IS GREATER THAN THE NUMBER IN THE FIRST COLUMN OF TEAM Y SO TEAM X MUST BE THE BETTER TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT TEAM Z AND TEAM C HAVE THE SAME NUMBERS IN THE FIRST COLUMN AND SECOND COLUMN SO I DUNNO WHAT TO DO OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
   
   Yes, I posted that exact same thing last week, but it’s worth repeating because I received complaints about these Week 8 NFL Power Rankings on my forum before they were even released!
   
   
5. New York Giants (5-2) – Previously: #6 – Here are my thoughts on the Giants-Cowboys game:
   
   1. R.I.P. 2010 Dallas Cowboys. Things looked very promising when the Cowboys quickly went up 10-0 and 13-7, but Tony Romo suffered an injury at the beginning of the second quarter. It didn’t seem that bad at first – Romo asked the coaching staff if he could come back in – but x-rays revealed a broken collarbone. Romo is out 8-10 weeks, and Dallas’ season is over.
   
   I’m done with Steve Young, by the way. I feel like I’m suffering a concussion every time I listen to him. I don’t get how he can say the Cowboys did nothing with Romo. He got hurt in the beginning of the second quarter, and the Cowboys were up 13-7 at the time. Had Miles Austin-Jones not dropped a touchdown, it would have been 17-7.
   
   2. Speaking of the injury, the Giants have now knocked out FIVE quarterbacks this season. As I wrote last week, “Lock your women, children and quarterbacks when the Giants come to town.”
   
   3. New York’s defense continues to be awesome. Sure, they allowed 35 points, but 17 of those were off turnovers, another seven came on a kick return, and seven more occurred in garbage time. The Giants were in Dallas’ backfield the entire game and completely shut down the run.
   
   4. Eli Manning really put on a show in Dallas. He went 26-of-35 for 306 yards, four touchdowns and three interceptions, two of which really weren’t his fault (they were tipped to the defense). Manning torched the Cowboys’ defense, often looking toward Hakeem Nicks (9-108, 2 TDs) and Steve Smith (9-101, TD).
   
   5. The Cowboys should be embarrassed by their effort against the run. Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs combined for 201 rushing yards on 36 carries.
   
   
6. Green Bay Packers (4-3) – Previously: #8 – Remember that e-mail I posted last week where some douche said this Web site “sucks” because I had the Packers in my Top 10 and the Bears all the way down at No. 19? Vindication! Muhahahaha!
   
   
7. New England Patriots (5-1) – Previously: #7 – Does anyone else think these 5-1 Patriots are a bit of a fraud? They managed fewer than 190 net yards against the Chargers and really struggled to move the ball throughout the afternoon. Most of their points came off careless San Diego turnovers. Maybe this Randy Moss trade wasn’t such a good idea.
   
   Speaking of which, here’s an interesting e-mail from John D:
   
   How about that Moss trade? I�ve come to the conclusion that Bill Belichick is really just interested in draft picks – not using them – just collecting them.
   
   I like where John is going with this. I could see Belichick sitting in a dark room at night and muttering to himself, “Draft picks… draft picks… my precious…”
   
   
8. Tennessee Titans (5-2) – Previously: #11 – I moved the Saints out of my Top 10 to make room for the Titans. Two points I’d like to make about this:
   
   1. The Titans really could be 7-0 right now. They shot themselves in the foot with penalties and unforced turnovers against the Steelers and Broncos. Of course, they could have lost to the Cowboys and Giants, so I guess things have a way of evening themselves out.
   
   2. I absolutely had to move the Saints out of the Top 10. Under no circumstances can you lose to Max Hall and Colt McCoy and remain a top-10 team.
   
   Speaking of which, if all it takes to beat the defending champs is having a Hall or a McCoy under center, New Orleans’ next opponent should just sign JaMarcus Russell to play against the Saints. Russell is worse than Hall and McCoy, so that would be a guaranteed victory.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) – Previously: #9 – Lots of great news for Andy Reid this week:
   
   1. The Phillies’ playoff defeat has deflected all attention from the Titans loss. No one in Philadelphia cares about the Eagles right now.
   
   2. Kevin Kolb didn’t play well at Tennessee, so it’ll give Reid an excuse to use his social experiment after the bye.
   
   3. Speaking of the bye, Reid will have an entire week off to eat as much food as possible. NOM NOM NOM NOM.
   
   
10. Houston Texans (4-2) – Previously: #10 – The Texans had a bye, so let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
    
    1. “start vick all what happen was he got injured they always do this to the black atheletes i new it was to good to be true no if kolb messes up again he will be back on the sideline”
    
    Yes. There is a conspiracy to get all black players injured. You’ve figured it all out. Congrats!
    
    2. “NAME A RECIVER BETTER THAN JOHNSON GET REAL ? U DONT EVEN HAVE A TEAM.. KICK ROCKS”
    
    Yeah! Go kick rocks, jerk!
    
    3. “before the end of the year the panthers might have arm nati edwards as thier QB”
    
    Right. Just like before the end of the year, your spelling could improve. Not happening.
    
    

32. Buffalo Bills (0-6) – Previously: #32 – The Bills continue to ignore C.J. Spiller on offense; he had only seven carries against the Ravens. Spiller’s only contribution to the Baltimore game was on a kickoff return in which he fumbled to set up the Ravens with a late first-half touchdown.

I’ve always been confused as to why Buffalo selected Spiller at No. 9 overall in April. However, the answer now is very evident. The Bills knew Spiller sucked, so they took him to ensure that they’d land the No. 1 overall pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. Mission nearly accomplished!

31. Carolina Panthers (1-5) – Previously: #31 – It’s amazing how awesome Carolina’s offense looked with Matt Moore under center. Anyone who wrote an article for USA Today that Jimmy Clausen should be the No. 1 overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft is a moron.

30. San Francisco 49ers (1-6) – Previously: #29 – The following 49ers report on Rotoworld following Sunday’s loss at Carolina really infuriated me:

Team sources tell Comcast SportsNet Bay Area that 49ers owners Jed and John York privately “grumbled” about their team’s coaching during Sunday’s 23-20 loss to the Panthers.

Yeah, because it’s all Mike Singletary’s fault. If you cheap idiots would have just traded for Donovan McNabb, Singletary wouldn’t have to work with two completely inept quarterbacks. Perhaps you morons should privately “grumble” about how much you suck.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4) – Previously: #28 – Despite Sunday’s loss at Kansas City, I still have faith that Todd Bouman will lead the Jaguars to the Promised Land. And by Promised Land, I mean Los Angeles.

28. Arizona Cardinals (3-3) – Previously: #27 – Arizona’s upset victory over New Orleans looks a lot less impressive now, huh?

Once again, to emphasize how bad things are for the Cardinals, here’s a quote from Brian Billick toward the end of the Arizona-Seattle game:

“In two games, I haven’t seen anything from Max Hall that tells me he’s ready to play in this league. Derek Anderson gives the Cardinals a better chance to win right now.”

Sorry, Cards fans. Billick is a great quarterback expert, so he clearly knows what he’s talking about.

27. Denver Broncos (2-5) – Previously: #20 – When the Chargers lost to the Raiders in a close game, the fan reaction was epic. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, fans were crying about how they lost to Oakland and how much they hate the Raiders. (Thanks to John Y. and Oscar M. for sending over these videos.)

If all these fans did was cry after losing a close game, what did the Bronco fans do after that embarrassing 59-14 blowout? Drown themselves? Pour acid all over their faces? Sacrifice themselves as food to Rosie O’Donnell? All of the above?

26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-5) – Previously: #22 – Carson Palmer sucks despite his extraordinary ability to pad his fantasy stats in junk time of blowouts.

The Bengals, by the way, were one of two teams that entered the Bottom 10 as Oakland exited. The Raiders are now No. 21. They’d be a bit higher if they actually scored in the fourth quarter. I don’t know what Tom Cable was thinking. At 3-4, he needs to run up the score as much as possible to improve his BCS ranking.

25. Cleveland Browns (2-5) – Previously: #30 – How crazy of a coincidence is it that a man named Bowens pick-sixed Drew Brees twice when Brees’ new baby boy is named Bowen?

Perhaps it’s not a coincidence. I think it’s very possible that Bowen came back from the future and approached Brees before the game. So overwhelmed by seeing his grown-up son, Brees told Bowen to dress in a Cleveland jersey, so the two would be able to enjoy a nice game of catch.

I think this is a very sound theory. There is the matter of grown-up Bowen being a very large black man, but I’m willing to look past that.

24. St. Louis Rams (3-4) – Previously: #25 – The Rams will win these road games next year. They’re obviously not ready yet, but they look like they’re going to be a Super Bowl contender by 2012.

At any rate, here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “put jackson on the past f u him hes a lame”

If you say Jackson is a lame, he must be a lame.

2. “cowboys weare coming to get you”

Yes. The misspelled words and dangling modifiers are right around the corner, Cowboys.

3. “u like teams base on who the players are. Players are goin to come and go. As much as I loved Emmmith Smith, when he went to Arizona, that didnt make me become a Arizona fan.”

Really? Because you talk exactly like him.

23. Detroit Lions (1-5) – Previously: #25 – I still can’t believe the Raiders aren’t in my Bottom 10. This must be the first time in three years or so that this has happened.

So, with that in mind, here’s my exclusive interview with Tom Cable!

ME: Hey Tom, thanks for joining me.

CABLE: “HeLlO.”

ME: Tom, I have to ask you, where did this 59-point outburst come from? You guys were eight-point underdogs, yet you hung 59 on the Broncos. How did this happen?

CABLE: “I mAkE PrEtEnD ThAt bRoNcOs aRe wOmEn tHaT I hAtE AnD i MaKe gAmE pLaN tO BeAt ThEm uP!”

ME: Really? Do you mind delving into your game plan?

CABLE: “I nO uNdErStAnD WhAt DelViNg WoRd MeAn!!!”

ME: Are you serious?

CABLE: “WhY pEoPlE UsE BiG WOrD i HaVe nO iDeA!!! BiG wOrD mAkE mE vErY vErY aNgRy!!!”

ME: Oh, sorry. Can you explain what you did in your game plan to beat Denver?

CABLE: “I fInD wOmEn AnD pUnCh HeR vErY haRd!!! ThEn i ShOw TeAm aNd TeLl To DO tHe sAme To BrOnCo aNd ThEy Do A gOoD jOb!!!”

ME: Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you just admit that you just hit a woman?

CABLE: “WoMeN dId NoT mAkE mE dInNeR sO i GeT vErY aNgRy!!!”

ME: So? That doesn’t give you the right to hit a woman, Tom.

CABLE: “I nO UnDeRsTaNd!!!”

ME: Well, first of all, it’s just wrong. And second, you could get convicted on assault charges.

CABLE: “I nO uNdErStAnD WhAt CoNvIcTeD WoRd MeAn!!! sToP uSiNg BiG wOrD oR i WiLl pUncH yOu LiKe I pUnCh WoMeN!!!”

ME: OK, maybe we should just conclu… end this interview then.

CABLE: “Ok I gO hOmE aNd sEe If DinNEr On TaBlE iF nOt I gEt VeRy AnGrY!!!”


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Atlanta Falcons (5-2). Previously: #12
12. New Orleans Saints (4-3). Previously: #5
13. San Diego Chargers (2-5). Previously: #14
14. Miami Dolphins (3-3). Previously: #16
15. Washington Redskins (4-3). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (2-4). Previously: #17
17. Kansas City Chiefs (4-2). Previously: #18
18. Seattle Seahawks (4-2). Previously: #26
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2). Previously: #21
20. Dallas Cowboys (1-5). Previously: #13
21. Oakland Raiders (3-4). Previously: #24
22. Chicago Bears (4-3). Previously: #19