The Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts – 2020

The Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts – 2020

The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012

This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.

All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady is struggling during the Covid lockdown…

Tom Brady: I’m so over this lockdown! Look at how long my hair is. It’s horrible! I want a haircut, but we’re not allowed to go outside. Maybe I should call local law enforcement to see if I can get my haircut. Ring ring!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Tom Brady: Hi, this is Tom Brady. I need a haircut, but it’s the lockdown. Can I get one?

Dispatcher: Sir, you’re only supposed to dial 9-1-1 in the event of an emergency!

Tom Brady: This is an emergency! My hair is so long. Can I send you a pic via text to show you how long my hair is? I’ll text you at 9-1-1.

Dispatcher: That… that won’t work. Sir, I’m hanging up the phone because there are more pressing matters than haircuts.

Tom Brady: No, wait, argh! She must not have understood how long my haircut is. I’ll text her anyway. Oh wait, maybe I can call my dad. He’ll know what to do. Ring, ring!

Tom Brady’s Dad: Hello son, how’s it going?

Tom Brady: Hi, Tom Brady’s Dad! I have an emergency!

Tom Brady’s Dad: I told you to stop calling me “Tom Brady’s Dad.” What’s wrong, son?

Tom Brady: Please help me, Tom Brady’s Dad! My hair is so long, I don’t know what to do!

Tom Brady’s Dad: Why don’t you buzz it? Or wait like everyone else for the lockdown to be over.

Tom Brady: But it’s going to be such a long time from now! I can’t wait that long. Tom Brady’s Dad, please help me! Can I come over? Maybe Tom Brady’s Mom can cut my hair.

Tom Brady’s Dad: No, please, we’re old, and you could spread the Coronavirus to us.

Tom Brady: Oh, I don’t want to do that…

Tom Brady’s Dad: Yes, it’s so important that you don’t spread it to us. We are sooo concerned that you’ll do this. It has nooothing to do with us not wanting to see you. Nothing at all.

Tom Brady: If you say so, Tom Brady’s Dad! I’ll call you later with more important questions!

Tom Brady’s Dad: N- ugh- yes, honey, he hung up and I couldn’t tell him not to call again.

Tom Brady: Will this lockdown never end? I have put on a few pounds because the gym has been closed. Oh well, time to eat my eighth cheeseburger for lunch! NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

An hour and 20 more cheeseburgers later…

Tom Brady: BURP! Time for a break from cheeseburgers. Let me make a few calls before I eat 20 more. Let me call Tom Brady’s Dad. Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring!

Voicemail: Hello, this is Mr. Brady. Please leave me a message unless you’re my son. Tom, if this is you calling for the 200th time this week, please stop calling because your mother and I have joined a cult that requires us to never answer the phone again. Beep!

Tom Brady: Hello Tom Brady’s Dad, this is Tom Brady! Why did you and Tom Brady’s Mom join a cult without me? Can I join, too? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? I’ll call you later so maybe you’ll have an answer then!

*** Tom Brady thinks of someone else to call… ***

Tom Brady: I know! I’ll call my best friend, Rob Gronkowski! Ring, ring!

Rob Gronkowski: EY YO THIS GRONK, WHO THIS!?

Tom Brady: It’s me, Tom Brady. Can’t you see who’s calling when your phone rings?

Rob Gronkowski: EY YO TOM! WHAT’S UP MAN! YO, THERE ARE THESE SYMBOLS ON MY PHONE WHEN SOMEBODY CALLS BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! WHEN YOU CALL THERE’S A CROSS WITHOUT THE BOTTOM PART, A CIRCLE, A SYMBOL WITH HUMPS, TWO CIRCLES ATTACHED TO A STICK, ONE CIRCLE ATTACHED…

Tom Brady: Are you describing the letters in my name? Wait, Gronk, why is it so loud? It sounds like you’re in a club!

Rob Gronkowski: EY YO I’M IN THE CLUB, TOM, CLUBBIN’ IT UP! COME ON DOWN AND CLUB IT UP WITH GRONK!

Tom Brady: Gronk, you’re supposed to be social distancing!

Rob Gronkowski: EY YO TOM, YOU’RE REALLY BUMMING ME OUT! SOCIAL STUDIES WAS MY WORST CLASS IN SCHOOL AND NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME TO DO IT, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE! PEACE OUT, GRONK GONNA KEEP CLUBBIN IT UP!

Tom Brady: Such bulls**t! Gronk is having fun at the clubs, and I can’t even get a haircut! Oh well, time for 20 more cheeseburgers!

Tom Brady: I’m so sick of this lockdown! I’m losing my mind. I need someone to talk to. Let me go to Bill Belichick’s house!

*** Brady rides his bicycle to Belichick’s house… ***

Tom Brady: Ding dong! Open up, Bill Belichick! It’s Tom Brady, and I’ve come to hang out with you!

Bill Belichick: Tom, what are you doing here? We’re supposed to be social distancing.

Tom Brady: But I’m soooo lonely and sooooooo boooored!

Bill Belichick: Tom, everyone is lonely and bored. It’s the lockdown. We’re supposed to stay home so we don’t spread the virus.

Tom Brady: Oh come on, Bill Belichick! I don’t have the virus, and you don’t have the virus. We can hang out and play video games. Or we can play Magic the Gathering. I bought my cards. I have a commander deck. I have- cough, cough!

Bill Belichick: You’re coughing! Get out! I don’t want to get sick!

Tom Brady: No, Bill Belichick! I’m not sick. Cough- cough!

Bill Belichick: If you don’t leave, I’m calling the police!

Tom Brady: Bill Belichick, don’t bother. I tried calling 9-1-1, and they didn’t want to chat with me.

Bill Belichick: I don’t care! I want you removed from my property right now!

*** The cops arrive quickly ***

Tom Brady: Hey police officers, do you play Magic the Gathering? I have a commander deck.

Bill Belichick: Officers, Tom Brady won’t leave my property, and he has the virus. Please remove him!

Tom Brady: No, I’m not sick! I- please stop!

*** The cops handcuff Tom Brady without assaulting him in any sense. ***

Tom Brady: Ouch! This hurts! You’re hurting me because you’re racist!!!

Police Officer: We’re not hurting you. We just handcuffed you. And we’re both white, so why would that be racist?

Tom Brady: OUCH! OUCH! IT HURTS! I’M HYPERVENTILATING! I NEED MY DIALYSIS MACHINE!!!

Police Officer: Dialysis machine? Dude, calm down, we’re just temporarily handcuffing you.

Tom Brady: YOU’RE ALL FASCISTS!!! YOU’RE ALL RACISTS!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Tom Brady: I still can’t believe I was arrested by fascists and racists. They will pay! I’m going to peacefully protest by stealing from stores and burning down buildings! But first, let me decide where I’ll be playing this upcoming year. I think I’ll tease the Patriots by hinting I’ll sign with the Buccaneers, Raiders or Tigers, or whatever other teams there happen to be in the NFL. Let me check my phone for any news on these teams…

*** Tom Brady looks at his phone and sees the news that the Patriots no longer want him. He is absolutely shocked. ***

Tom Brady: WHAT!?!?!? HOW COULD THEY NOT WANT ME BACK!!! THIS HAS TO BE SOME SORT OF MISTAKE! Let me call Bob Kraft to clear this up. Ring, ring!

Bob Kraft: Hello, Grub Hub? Where is my Arby’s order? It’s late!

Tom Brady: No, Bob Kraft, it’s me, Tom Brady!

Bob Kraft: Tom, I can’t talk to you. Grub Hub is callng me soon.

Tom Brady: Wait a second, Bob Kraft! I saw a story saying that you guys don’t want me back next year. This is obviously a mistake, right?

Bob Kraft: No, Tom, we’re tired of your antics. Each week, it’s a different hairstyle. Sometimes you’re pretending to be a presidential candidate. There was that one time you had to fight something called Peytom Branning. And last week was the curly fry that broke the Arby’s bag when you showed up to Coach Belichick’s house and tried to get him sick!

Tom Brady: But the fascists… the racists!!!

Bob Kraft: Tom, no one cares about that nonsense. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Grub Hub guy is here with my third lunch.

Tom Brady: I can’t believe it! How could the Patriots not want me back? Let me call Gronk to see if he has any ideas. Ring, ring!

Rob Gronkowski: YO TOM, I KNEW IT WAS YOU BRUH! THAT’S BECAUSE THE SYMBOLS ON MY PHONE WERE A CROSS WITHOUT THE TOP PART, A CIRCLE, A MCDONALD’S THING, TWO CIRCLES ATTACHED TO A STICK, ONE…

Tom Brady: Gronk, I need to tell you some bad news.

Rob Gronkowski: OH NO, DID THEY CLOSE DA CLUBS!? BECAUSE GRONK LOVES CLUBBIN’ IT UP BOIIIII!!!!

Tom Brady: I didn’t even think the clubs were open. Where are you clubbing it up? Anyway, I just saw some news that the Patriots don’t want me back.

Rob Gronkowski: YO THAT CAN’T BE TOM, HOW COULD THEY NOT WANT YOU BACK, YOUR THE GOAT!!!!

Tom Brady: Did you just say “your” as spelled incorrectly? How did you do that? But no, I called Bob Kraft, and he confirmed it.

Rob Gronkowski: YO TOM THAT’S MESSED UP SO WHY DON’T WE GO TO A DIFFERENT TEAM TOGETHER??? THE PATS WOULDN’T LET ME SMOKE SOME MARY JANE SO I WAS LIKE NAH I AIN’T ALL ABOUT THAT ANYMORE BUT IF YOU CAN FIND A TEAM THAT’LL LET ME GET HIZZAY I’LL PLAY WITH YOU NEXT YEAR!!!

Tom Brady: Wow! Gronk, you’re a true friend.

Rob Gronkowski: YO TOM I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S UP WITH THAT WRONG-WAY DASH YOU PUT IN YOUR BUT I’M DOWN WITH PLAYING WITH YOU ONE MORE YEAR. WERE GOING TO DOMINATE BOIIII!!! BUT LISTEN TOM, I’M ABOUT TO GO CLUBBIN’ IT UP SO I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER, PEACE OUT BRUHHH!!!

Tom Brady: I think you mean “we’re…” Ah, he hung up, never mind. Thank goodness someone is on my side…

Robert Kraft: As you can see here, we have some important items on display as we deliver this press conference to you media people, who are thankfully wearing all-important masks during this pandemic. First, we have this Arby’s sandwich. So savory. So juicy. Next, we have the curly fry. So crispy. So tasty. Then, there’s…

Short Guy: Mr. Kraft, I think the media is here to look at the Patriots memorabilia you have on display; not your fourth lunch.

Bob Kraft: Ah, you’re right, the oils from my morning massage must have gotten to me. Sorry, media. As you can see, we have our new No. 12 Patriots jersey, which is a Not Brady jersey with the 12 crossed out. Then, there are these five Lombardis, which we will claim we won without Tom Brady. Any questions?

Media Person No. 1: Excuse me, Mr. Kraft, do you think you can sustain the same sort of success without Tom Brady next year?

Bob Kraft: Yes, we believe in our next quarterback, Jerry Stidman I think his name is, so we will adapt and survive. Not only do we have the best coaching staff in the NFL, but we also have the best cafeteria.

Media Person No. 2: Ex-ca-use me, as a member of the privileged media, I must condone you of your white privilege in regard to your use of the cafeteria. Do you realize that marginalized people do not have the luxury of being able to use cafeterias?

Bob Kraft: Yes, that’s why I’ve started an organization called Arby’s for the Abandoned. Whenever I have lunch, there are always curly fry crumbs remaining. My tall assistant here has been tasked to gather these crumbs and deliver them to the poor so that they have something to eat.

Media Person No. 2: Ex-ca-use me, may I ask the tall assistant to expound on this project so I may decide what level of outrage is appropriate for a privileged member of the media like myself?

Tall Guy: Hi, I’m like tall and stuff and like… hahah… yahhh…

Bob Kraft: I think that is a satisfactory answer. Are there any other questions?

Media Person No. 3: Hi, don’t you think that Tom Brady deserves a second chance because he’s like the coolest guy ever and was the subject to fascism and racism lately?

Bob Kraft: Wait, that voice is familiar? Tom, is that you?

Media Person No. 3: NO, I’M TOTALLY NOT TOM BRADY! EVEN THOUGH TOM BRADY IS THE COOLEST GUY EVER AND DESERVES ANOTHER YEAR OR FIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!

Bob Kraft: Hold on, I got a magnifying class with my Arby’s happy meal. Let me see. Ah yes, that is you, Tom Brady! Why are you pretending to be a member of the media?

Tom Brady: Because it’s not fair, Bob Kraft! I have been oppressed and been subjected to fascism and racism, and I didn’t get my dialysis machine when I was being arrested, and I’ve been super bored during the pandemic, and my parents won’t take my calls anymore… if you take the Patriots away from me, I won’t have anything!

Bob Kraft: Well, at a time like this, I’d like to quote a wise man: “If life’s got you down, and you have nowhere to go, head to Arby’s, where you can get a great meal at a reasonable price.”

Tom Brady: So, you won’t take me back? Even though I’ve been super oppressed?

Bob Kraft: I’m sorry, Tom. Your time is done here. Look, the Not Brady jerseys have been made. We can’t go back on that with these beautiful jerseys already printed.

Tom Brady: You’ll regret this, Bob Kraft! I’m going to go to a cool team and make you and Bill Belichick pay for rejecting me!

Tom Brady: I’m so excited that the lockdown is over. Now, all of my friends can finally hang out with me! I’m also looking forward to my haircut. Hello, Mr. Barber, I’d like your finest haircut, please!

Mr. Barber: Thanks for being my first customer post-lockdown. I tried to open during the pandemic, but our governor threatened to hang me by the balls if I did that.

Tom Brady: BOOOORRRINNNGG!!! Who cares about your story? I’m Tom Brady, and everyone should be interested in what I’m doing now.

Mr. Barber: That’s rather rude.

Tom Brady: Hey, it’s my right to be rude to you, lowly peon. Did you know that I was once the best barber in the entire world?

Mr. Barber: I- sincerely doubt that.

Tom Brady: No, it’s true. I decided one day that I was going to be the best barber in the world, and I made it happen. It was very easy. All I had to do was tell myself that I wanted to be the best barber in the world, and then it happened.

Mr. Barber: Just like that, huh?

Tom Brady: Yeah, everything comes easy for me. I have all the best friends, and I’m the best at everything. In fact, I’m so great that I’ll give you some tips, free of charge.

Mr. Barber: What tips?

Tom Brady: Well, see that comb you have there? It’s black. You need a red comb because red combs are the best. And you give out lollipops to kids, but you should give them out to everyone. Oh, and in the window, you should have a sign that says, “Tom Brady gets his haircut here, so you should kiss my ring.” These are all things I did in my barber shop when I was the best barber in the world.

Mr. Barber: I’ll keep all that in mind.

Tom Brady: You know, you should write down all my great ideas before you forget them. Write them down now!

Mr. Barber: Tom Brady, I appreciate your business, so I’m going to give you the best haircut ever.

Tom Brady: You mean the best haircut ever except for the ones I gave!

Mr. Barber: Heh. Yeah. Get ready for this masterpiece.

*** Tom Brady walks out of the barber shop once his haircut is finished, and he bumps into Wes Welker. ***

Tom Brady: Hey Wes, how are things going since you left the Patriots? Miserable that you don’t get to hang around me anymore, right?

Wes Welker: Sure. Hey, what’s up with your haircut? Who gets a mushroom cut with bangs?

Tom Brady: The term is “banks” and mushroom cuts are totally in right now.

Wes Welker: No, it’s “bangs,” and mushroom cuts are definitely not in right now.

Tom Brady: Wes, you should have kept hanging out with me because you’ve gotten dumber ever since you left New England. Don’t you remember that I was the best barber ever last year? If anyone knows about mushroom cuts and banks, it’s me!

Wes Welker: Whatever, Tom. Oh, I totally hear someone calling my name right now, so I gotta go. We’ll hang out neve- I mean, later, OK? Bye.

Tom Brady: Poor guy. He had an opportunity to have lots of fun by hanging out with me, but some idiot called him away. I guess not everyone can be as lucky as me.

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. With the pandemic clearing up, Tom Brady was finally able to get a haircut to impress new suitors, but it didn’t go as well as planned…

Tom Brady: Hi guys, I scheduled a press conference to make an announcement. Here it goes. Here’s my announcement. My announcement is that I’m going to make an announcement soon on which team I’ll be joining next year.

Media Person No. 1: So, what’s the announcement?

Tom Brady: That was the announcement. I announced that I will be making an announcement soon about which team I’m going to. Pay attention next time.

Media Person No. 1: So, wait, you’ve made an announcement just to announce that you’re making an announcement? Why not just make an announcement when you’re ready to make the actual announcement?

Tom Brady: You know what? I’m tired of your insolence. You’re really bumming me out with your negativity because you don’t seem to understand how great of a human being I am. Normal people wouldn’t question my brilliance.

Media Person No. 2: Ex-ca-use me! As a member of the privileged journalist class, I must remind you that you’re showing your white privilege by being able to make an announcement about making an announcement.

Tom Brady: Don’t be an idiot. I’m not showing white privilege about making this announcement about making an announcement. I’m showing my Tom Brady privilege by making an announcement about making an announcement. Tom Brady privilege is the best privilege because Tom Brady is the best human being in the world.

Media Person No. 2: Harumph I say!

Tom Brady: Maybe one day you can become as great of a person as me. Just kidding! That’ll never happen, haha! I make the best jokes. Next question.

Media Person No. 3: Tom, is there any reason you’re wearing that silly hat?

Tom Brady: This isn’t a silly hat! It’s great, and it’s totally not covering up a haircut I just got. This is Dick Tracy’s real hat. Only someone as great as me can wear Dick Tracy’s real hat!

Media Person No. 3: Dick Tracy was a fictional character in a cartoon strip. How is that his real hat?

Tom Brady: You know, you media people do everything to criticize me. You better begin recognizing how great I am. Once that happens, the criticism will stop, I promise.

Big Boy Caprice: You know, Dick. You mind if I call you Dick? My associates here would very much like to see you have a little accident.

Tom Brady: It’s Big Boy Caprice!

Big Boy Caprice: I got 15,000 clams on my associate Flat Top here gunning you down in a split second.

Tom Brady: You’ll never get me!

Big Boy Caprice: You’re a goner, Dick! Flat Top is not happy that you got a better haircut than him!

Tom Brady: Well, I don’t blame him!

Flat Top: No one can have a better haircut than me! You’re dead, Dick!

*** Flat Top fires his tommy gun at Dick Brady, but Dick Brady is able to avoid all the bullets and eventually arrest both Big Boy Caprice and Flat Top. ***

Tom Brady (looking at Media Person No. 3): And you doubted the great Dick Brady!

Media Person No. 3: Harumph I say!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. With the pandemic clearing up, Tom Brady was finally able to get a haircut to impress new suitors, but it didn’t go as well as planned…

Tom Brady: Hello, Jimmy Garoppolo. Fancy seeing you here.

Jimmy Garoppolo: This is my personal country club, so I’m usually here.

Tom Brady: Aha! I knew it!

Jimmy Garoppolo: Yeah, I figured you knew it because I told you I bought this country club.

Tom Brady: Jimmy the G, you are under arrest!

Jimmy Garoppolo: For what? And you ain’t no copper!

Tom Brady: I am Dick Brady, as you can tell by my official Dick Tracy hat. And I’ve caught you red-handed!

Jimmy Garoppolo: It ain’t me. I didn’t do nothin’!

Tom Brady: You did! Miss Applewood reported that her tablecloth was stolen, and you’re wearing it. Way to be obvious, Jimmy the G!

Jimmy Garoppolo: I was framed, I tells ya! Framed!

Tom Brady: Framed? Framed by who?

Jimmy Garoppolo: It was Prune Face. I overheard him say how fancy and pretty Miss Applewood’s tablecloth was, so he stole it. This is just a coincidence that I’m wearing this fabric.

Tom Brady: I know what happened. Prune Face stole the tablecloth and then made a suit that you bought. You bought a stolen suit, Jimmy the G!

Jimmy Garoppolo: OK you got me! You got me! I swears I didn’t mean to, but this suit looked so fancy that I had to have it, even if it was stolen.

Tom Brady: I knew it! There’s no better detective than Dick Brady!

Jimmy Garoppolo: So, what are you gonna do to me, Dick? Am I gonna be in the slammer for a long time?

Tom Brady: No. I’ll let you off with a warning if you help me decide which team I should sign with because the Patriots let me go for some reason.

Jimmy Garoppolo: I’m hearing that Tampa is nice this time of year. Just don’t sign with an NFC West team, please. I don’t want to play against you twice per year!

Tom Brady: Tampa, huh? Maybe I’ll look into signing with the Tampa Bay… umm… I don’t know what team name they are, but I’m sure I’ll find out soon.

Jimmy Garoppolo: They’re the Buc-

Tom Brady: Quiet, Jimmy the G. I am Dick Brady, after all, so I’ll find out the team name using my detective skills soon enough!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He spent some time considering whom he’d sign with. He finally came up with an answer…

Tom Brady: Hello, Bruce Ariel. Meet your new quarterback, Tom Brady!

Bruce Arians: It’s Bruce Arians, but it’s nice to meet you, Tom. I’m glad you’re joining our team.

Tom Brady: Yes, I’m very thrilled to join the Tampa Bay Pirates. It’s always been a dream of mine to be a Tampa Bay Pirate.

Bruce Arians: You mean Buccaneer?

Tom Brady: Buccaneer? What’s that?

Bruce Arians: We’re the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not the Tampa Bay Pirates.

Tom Brady: But you have a pirate ship in your stadium, and your logo is either a pirate, or a skull and crossbones, which you usually see on pirate ships.

Bruce Arians: Right. But Buccaneers are Pirates. It’s just a different name for it. Like you can call a square a rectangle.

Tom Brady: You can’t call a square a rectangle. They are totally different shapes. Trust me, no one knows more about shapes than I do.

Bruce Arians: I- what?

Tom Brady: Let’s cut to the chase. I’m Tom Brady, and I’m the greatest quarterback ever. You say the team name shouldn’t be the Pirates, but I believe Pirates are better than Bucket-whatever you were saying.

Bruce Arians: What’s your point?

Tom Brady: I demand that we call our new team the Tampa Bay Pirates.

Bruce Arians: You demand this?

Tom Brady: Yes. Look at me. I’m so excited to play for the Tampa Bay Pirates that I dressed up like the pirate in your old logo. Now, you’re telling me that we’re the Tampa Bay Buckets? No way, Jose.

Bruce Arians: But pirates and buccaneers are the same th…

Tom Brady: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said that already, and you said that squares are triangles or something. I’m Tom Brady, and I know many things, and one of them is that pirates aren’t buckets!

Bruce Arians: This is so frustrating. I’m beginning to realize why Bill Belichick let you go…

Tom Brady: You’re right. Bill Belichick made sure I was arrested, so he probably thinks that pirates and buckets are the same thing, too!

Bruce Arians: You know what? I’m done. I don’t care. We can be the Tampa Bay Pirates. I really don’t give a damn at this point.

Tom Brady: Finally, you’ve seen the light! Trust me, Bruce Ariel, us Tampa Bay Pirates are going to win the Super Bowl!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers, but decided to spend one final day with a former member of his team…

Tom Brady: Hello, Chase Winovich. It’s me, Tom Brady, but of course, you already knew that.

Chase Winovich: Tom! What are you doing here? I thought you signed with the Buccaneers.

Tom Brady: Not you, too. It’s not the Tampa Bay Buckets. It’s the Tampa Bay Pirates. Get your facts straight.

Chase Winovich: I thought it was Buccaneers, but I guess you would know better than me.

Tom Brady: You’re right. I’d know better than everyone.

Chase Winovich: So, what brings you here, Tom Brady?

Tom Brady: I needed to have a conversation with you because I view you as my heir on the Patriots.

Chase Winovich: Your heir? Wow! Thanks, Tom! But isn’t Cam Newton your heir?

Tom Brady: Who? Never heard of him. No, you’re my heir. Look at your hair. You have the best hair remaining on the team with me gone. So, you’re my heir.

Chase Winovich: Wait, do you think that heir and hair have something to do with one another?

Tom Brady: Of course, they sound the same. Duh!

Chase Winovich: I don’t- you know what? You’re right. Heir and hair are the same thing.

Tom Brady: Well, not totally the same thing because they have one different letter. That’s the only difference.

Chase Winovich: The only difference. Yes.

Tom Brady: So, anyway, because you’re my heir, I must tell you some secrets now that you’re the boss of the Patriots.

Chase Winovich: Really? Like what?

Tom Brady: First of all, there’s a peephole in the locker room where you can see into the women’s locker room. Don’t tell too many people about it.

Chase Winovich: What women’s locker room? We don’t have any women football players.

Tom Brady: Shush, don’t interrupt me. Second, the hot dog guy will give you free hot dogs. He’ll resist, but if you keep telling him that you’re the great Tom Brady, he’ll eventually realize that he better give you a free hot dog or pay the price.

Chase Winovich: But I’m not Tom Brady…

Tom Brady: But you’re my heir, so you’re almost as good. And finally, your hairstyle will dictate what sort of personality you have. Keep that in mind whenever you change your hairstyle every single week.

Chase Winovich: I don’t plan on changing my hair though-

Tom Brady: Shush. Like I said, you’re my heir now, so you better-

Bill Belichick: Hey, HEY! What are you doing here!? Get out of our practice before I call the police again!

Tom Brady: Leave it to you to call the fascists and racists once again!!!

Bill Belichick: Call them whatever you want, but they will be here if you don’t leave. You should be at Buccaneers practice; not ours.

Tom Brady: Fine. I’m leaving. But I’m going to Pirates practice; not Buckets practice!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. In his first day in the Tampa Bay locker room…

Tom Brady: Money, money, money. MAAAAANEEEEYYY!!!

Mike Evans: Hello, Mr. Brady, it’s nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to catching passes from a quarterback who’s not color blind.

Tom Brady: Hello, new tight end friend. I will only throw passes to you if you tell me how beautiful my haircuts are.

Mike Evans: Uhh… I’m a receiver, and that’s funny. Haha.

Tom Brady: You know what’ll be funny? The goose eggs you’ll have if you don’t praise my haircuts!

Mike Evans: Wait, you’re not serious, right?

Tom Brady: Excuse me, do you know how often Wes Welker and Julian Edelman praised my haircuts? Julian even has a blog where he rates my haircuts on a scale from 10 to 10!

Mike Evans: I’m not starting a blog…

Tom Brady: Well, looks like someone is going to catch zero passes this season.

Mike Evans: Are you serious?

Tom Brady: Do you see how many money bags I have floating around me right now? That’s how serious I am!

Mike Evans: Ugh, whatever.

Chris Godwin: Hello, Tom Brady! I wanted to introduce myself. I’m Chris Godwin, and I’m excited to be your teammate.

Tom Brady: Hi, Chris Goblin. You better catch lots of interceptions so that I get more possessions to score points and win games on my own!

Chris Godwin: Oh no, I’m not a cornerback. I’m one of your receivers.

Tom Brady: You don’t look like a receiver to me. I’m going to speak to Bruce Ariel about moving you to cornerback.

Chris Godwin: But I was one of the top receivers in the NFL last year!

Tom Brady: Yeeaaahh, sure. And I’m the Queen of Canada. If you were one of the top receivers in the NFL last year, why haven’t I heard of a Chris Goblin?

Chris Godwin: It’s Chris God-WIN. Not Goblin.

Tom Brady: Do you not see the money bags floating around my head? With those sort of funds, I can call you whatever I want.

Chris Godwin: Whatever.

O.J. Howard: Hi, Tom Brady. My name is O.J. Howard, and I’m your starting tight end.

Tom Brady: Yeah, not for long.

O.J. Howard: What do you mean? Am I being traded?

Tom Brady: Traded? Ha. No, you will be buried on the depth chart behind that Mike Evans guy and of course, my best friend, Gronk.

O.J. Howard: Gronk!? But I was looking forward to playing with you!

Tom Brady: The feeling is not mutual, O.J. Simpson. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll continue counting the money in the bags I have floating around my head.

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. He hasn’t been pleased with his new teammates, or his former head coach…

Tom Brady: What a nightmare. This has been the worst year ever. At least I get to sun tan in my new Tampa home.

Rob Gronkowski: YO TOM, I LIKE SUN TANNING AND THEN CLUBBIN’ IT UP AT NIGHT BUT YOU’RE RIGHT, THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST YEAR EVER. THIS BOUNCER AT THE CLUB LAST NIGHT WAS GIVING ME PROBLEMS, SO THIS YEAR IS LAME!!!

Tom Brady: So many things have gone wrong. I had to stay inside because of the pandemic. I got arrested by fascists and racists. Bill Belichick didn’t want to hang out with me. And my new teammates are terrible!

Rob Gronkowski: WHAT’S UP WITH YOUR TEAMMATES, TOM!? I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF ANYONE ON THE TAMPA BAY PIRATES.

Tom Brady: Oh God. There’s this guy Mike Evans who thinks he’s a receiver when he’s really a tight end, and his breath smells. Then there’s this Chris Goblin guy who is going to have to move from receiver to cornerback because he annoyed me. And then there’s O.J. Simpson, but you’re going to take his job anyway.

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, THAT SUCKS TOM!!! I HEARD OF O.J. SIMPSON. HE WAS IN NAKED GUN. I WATCHED THAT MOVIE 58 TIMES THIS YEAR.

Tom Brady: I’ve decided to bury him on the depth chart. You’ll be starting over him, so good riddance to him!

Rob Gronkowski: YO TOM, IF YOU BURIED HIM MAKE SURE TO PUT THE DIRT BACK WITH YOUR SHOVEL.

Tom Brady: I didn’t mean that literally, Gronk. But ugh, even with you upgrading the Pirates roster, this year still sucks. Why did Bill Belichick banish me? I’ve been a model citizen.

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, I BANGED A MODEL LAST NIGHT, SHE WAS SO HOT!!!

Tom Brady: What do I do? I don’t want to be on the Tampa Bay Pirates for very long. I like tanning here with my hair in this pretty band, but I miss being on the Patriots.

Rob Gronkowski: I MISS BEING ON THE PATRIOTS, TOO. THE JERSEY COLORS WERE REAL PRETTY, LIKE RED, WHITE AND BLUE. HEY YO, TOM, I JUST REALIZED THAT THESE ARE THE SAME COLORS AS THE AMERICAN FLAG!!!

Tom Brady: Yeah, that’s why we were called the Patriots.

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, TOM, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT PATRIOTS ARE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE PANCAKES BECAUSE THEY BOTH START WITH THE SAME SOUND.

Tom Brady: Pancakes? Are you serious?

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, TOM, I LOVE PANCAKES, I ATE 58 PANCAKES THIS MORNING AND I DIDN’T EVEN BREAK A SWEAT!!!

Tom Brady: I don’t doubt that. Anyway, why do you think Bill Belichick hates me so much?

Rob Gronkowski: I DON’T KNOW, TOM, I FORGOT WHO THAT IS!!!

Tom Brady: Our former head coach…

Rob Gronkowski: OH YEAH, THE GUY WHO WEARS THE SMELLY HOODIES, HAHAHA! HEY YO, TOM, IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHY HE HATES YOU SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU HIRE A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR??!?!? I HIRED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR ONCE TO TELL ME WHERE THE BEST PANCAKES ARE IN THE CITY OF NEW ENGLAND, AND IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM!!!

Tom Brady: A private investigator, eh? I think you might be on to something, Gronk…

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. He hasn’t been pleased with his new teammates, or his former head coach. He has taken Rob Gronkowski’s advice and gotten a private investigator to see why Bill Belichick doesn’t like him anymore…

Tom Brady: It’s time I get to the bottom of this. Gronk recommended that I hire a private investigator to see why Bill Belichick doesn’t like me anymore. That was a good idea, but then I realized that I could become a private investigator myself!

Penny: Uncle Brady, do you really think that you can solve the mystery about why Bill Belichick won’t be your friend anymore?

Tom Brady: Yes, Penny, but first, let’s take a dip in my new Tampa Bay house swimming pool!

Penny: Yay, sounds fun!

Tom Brady: Great, let’s go swimming! Go-Go-Brady swimming trunks!

*** Instead of swim trunks, Tom Brady’s suit turns into a rocket ship. ***

Brain: RUH-ROH!!!

Tom Brady: Whhhoooaaaaa!!!

*** Tom Brady takes off and crashes into the sun. He then plummets back to Earth and falls into the pool, creating a big splash. ***

Tom Brady: Now that’s what I call a cannonball!

Brain: RUUUHHH-HAAHAAA!!!

Penny: Uncle Brady, do you think we could order a pizza?

Tom Brady: Great idea, Penny! Go-go-Brady pizza delivery man!

*** Instead of summoning a pizza delivery man, a giant bubble gum bubble blows up and smothers the three, who are covered in gum goo. ***

Tom Brady: Wowzers. Now this is what I call a sticky situation!

Brain: ROOOO-RUUHHHHHH!!!

Tom Brady: Wait, what’s this? It’s a message from the chief. “Hello, this is the chief. I know why Bill Belichick hates you now. It’s because Dr. Claw has spread bad rumors about you. This message will self destruct.”

*** Tom Brady crumples up the paper and tosses it in the bushes, where the chief is hiding for some reason. It blows up. ***

Tom Brady: I’m going to find out why Dr. Claw hates me. Go-go-Brady telephone! Hello, is this Dr. Claw?

Dr. Claw: TOM BRADY, YOU CAN’T STOP ME! WITH YOU GONE, NEW ENGLAND WILL BE MINE!!!

Tom Brady: What do you mean, New England will be yours?

Dr. Claw: WITH YOU GONE, I CAN FINALLY TAKE OVER NEW ENGLAND, SO I SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT YOU SO THAT YOU’D LEAVE!!!

Tom Brady: Well, now that I know about that, I can just tell the authorities so that they can stop you!

Dr. Claw: TRY ALL YOU WANT, BUT YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME, BRADY! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. He hasn’t been pleased with his new teammates, or his former head coach. He has taken Rob Gronkowski’s advice and gotten a private investigator to see why Bill Belichick doesn’t like him anymore. It turns out it’s because Dr. Claw has been spreading rumors about him…

Tom Brady: Now that I know Dr. Claw is spreading bad rumors about me, it’s time for me to take matters into my own hands. I’m going to infiltrate the police and take down Dr. Claw so that Bill Belichick will welcome me back!

*** We’re not sure whom Tom Brady was speaking to, but he went to the local police department to begin his mission. ***

Police Officer No. 1: Hey look, it’s Tom Brady! The new quarterback of our Tampa Bay Bucs! Tom, what are you doing here!?

Tom Brady: First of all, it’s Tampa Bay Pirates. But second, I’m here because I need your help even though you’re fascist, racist scum.

Police Officer No. 2: Haha, that’s funny. Brady is pretending to be one of those scumbag rioters. Hey, Brady, do you think we can take a picture with you?

Tom Brady: Fine, if taking pictures with fascist, racist scum is what it takes, I’ll have to do it even though I’ll want to throw up later.

*** Tom Brady takes a picture with several police officers. ***

Tom Brady: Yuck! OK, get away from me, all of you. I’d rather be dead than associate with fascist, racist scum!

Police Officer No. 3: Buhahaha, Brady is hilarious. Next, he’s going to tell us that he thinks we should be defunded!

Tom Brady: Yeah, you guys should get paid $0 an hour!!!

Police Officer No. 4: Buhahahahahahahaha!!!

Tom Brady: You guys won’t be laughing when I take over the police department!

Police Officer No. 1: Brady, you’re a riot! Anyway, what can we do for you?

Tom Brady: Guys, Dr. Claw is spreading bad rumors about me. Can you make him stop?

Police Officer No. 2: Someone is spreading bad rumors about our new quarterback? Not on my watch!

Tom Brady: So, you’ll stop him then? Because Bill Belichick doesn’t want to be my friend anymore after Dr. Claw spread horrible rumors about me.

Police Officer No. 3: We’d love to. The only problem is that we’ve lost our power. Ever since CHAZ opened in Seattle, we’ve lost control over the masses. We could try to force Dr. Claw to stop, but why would he listen to us when no one else is?

Tom Brady: But… but you’re supposed to be fascist…

Police Officer No. 4: Haha, good one, Brady. I’m sure some crazy individuals think this. While there are some bad apples, most of us just want to protect ordinary citizens. We can’t do that with our nation in chaos though. Things have gone insane, and I don’t think people realize that we’ve done much more good than harm.

Tom Brady: Well, I’m on board to help. What can be done to get Dr. Claw to stop spreading rumors about me?

Police Officer No. 1: I’ve got an idea that’s so crazy it just might work.

Tom Brady: What is it? I’ll do anything!

Police Officer No. 1: What if we deputize you? You’ll be able to enter CHAZ because you’re not a real police officer, but you’ll still be a voice for us. And because of your great leadership skills, you might be able to convince the CHAZ people to surrender so that we re-gain control again. If you do that, we can certainly stop Dr. Claw.

Tom Brady: OK, you got a deal! You can count on me to stop those Chad people!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. He hasn’t been pleased with his new teammates, or his former head coach. He has taken Rob Gronkowski’s advice and gotten a private investigator to see why Bill Belichick doesn’t like him anymore. It turns out it’s because Dr. Claw has been spreading rumors about him. For the police to stop Dr. Claw, Tom Brady would have to help shut down CHAZ…

Tom Brady: Look at how pretty my uniform is! I almost look like a real police officer! Looks like we’ve arrived at CHAD. Time to re-enforce rule of law. Thanks for coming with me, Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, TOM, I’M JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. I HEARD CHAD WAS A COOL GUY AND HE WOULD BE ABLE TO HOOK US UP WITH SOME FUN PARTIES.

Tom Brady: No, Gronk, CHAD is a place in Seattle where people have taken over some blocks.

Rob Gronkowski: I LIKE BLOCKS, THAT GUY WHO WORE HOODIES AND SMELLED MADE ME BLOCKS SOMETIME AND I ALWAYS HAD A GOOD TIME DOING IT.

CHAZ Resident No. 1: Halt, who goes there? This is the fascist-free zone of CHAZ, where we have taken control of all authority!

Tom Brady: Hi, I’m Tom Brady, and this is my friend Gronk.

CHAZ Resident No. 1: Tom Brady? The guy who plays basketball? I heard of you. Didn’t you get arrested for resisting arrest? You’re one of us, then. But why are you wearing a pig’s uniform?

Tom Brady: They deputized me, but it was all a ruse so I could help all of you!

CHAZ Resident No. 2: Thank goodness, we need help. Are you here with organic avocados? We’re running out of food, but we can only eat organic food!

Tom Brady: No, I didn’t bring food.

CHAZ Resident No. 3: Well, what about farming instructions? We’re trying to plant crops by putting cardboard over the ground and putting soil on it and then putting seeds into that soil. Will it work?

Rob Gronkowski: YO GUYS, I’M REAL GOOD AT PLANTING CROPS. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS OPEN MY PHONE AND CLICK ON THE FARMVILLE APP AND THEN I CAN PLANT CROPS SUPER EASY!

CHAZ Resident No. 3: Wow, that’s great advice. Guys, did you hear that? We know how to plant crops now! I told you farming was easy!

Tom Brady: Now that I’ve helped, can you take me to your leader? I’d like to have a word with him.

*** The three CHAZ residents agreed, leading Brady and Gronkowski to the main area where a large man with dreadlocks awaited them.

Raz: Hello all, I am Raz. This is a free community where no one is in charge, but if someone acts out, I will punish them. Excuse me for a second, I see a wrong-doer. Yo, I told you, no riding your bike on this side of the street without paying me! Be prepared to take a beating! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

*** Minutes and more blood later… ***

Raz: Sorry about that. I needed to teach that person a lesson. But like I was saying, we’re an equal society where no one is in charge. What can I do for you?

Tom Brady: I’m Tom Brady, and I think the police are fascist. I’ve infiltrated them, so I can here to help you. I’ve already helped your farming techniques improve.

CHAZ Resident No. 3: It’s true, sir. We have a great farming technique now, thanks to Tom Brady.

Raz: This is greatly appreciated. Now, if only we could get someone to cut the crusts off our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We all hate eating sandwiches with crusts!

Rob Gronkowski: HEY YO, I HEAR YA! LAST NIGHT I ATE OUT SOME GIRL WHO HAD A CRUSTY VA-JAY-JAY, AND THAT WASN’T GREAT, BUT I STILL DID IT ANYWAY!

Raz: I don’t know if you heard our other demands, but we want free colleges, no police or court systems, and we also want the stars and stripes on the U.S. flags to be replaced by an avocado. But it has to be an organic avocado, or someone’s getting beat.

CHAZ Resident No. 2: We also want Donald Trump to stop hurting our feelings! Our feelings have been really hurt by Donald Trump. Sometimes, when he tweets something, I begin hyperventilating, and I need my dialysis machine!

Tom Brady: The same thing happened to me when I was arrested! And that makes this so painful because I need the Dr. Claw rumors to stop more than anything else…

*** Tom Brady removes his police uniform and reveals his Go-go Brady uniform. ***

Raz: What is the meaning of this? I feel like punching someone not following my rules right now!

Tom Brady: Go-go Brady gym!

*** Suddenly, a gym appears out of thin air. ***

Raz: A GYM!?!?!? NOOOOOO!!!!

CHAZ Resident No. 1: NOT A GYM! ANYTHING BUT A GYM!!!

CHAZ Resident No. 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOMEONE SAVE US AND PLEASE GIVE US SUPPORT ANIMALS AFTERWARD!!!

CHAZ Resident No. 3: WE NEED TO ESCAPE QUICKLY!!!!

*** Buff guys, sensing the opening of a new gym, quickly arrive. They see the scrawny, pathetic CHAZ residents and decide to beat them up, using the gym weights so they get a good workout in the process. Some CHAZ residents escape the community walls, but most are beaten to a pulp. And just like that, CHAZ is no more. ***

Tom Brady: Mission accomplished! No more CHAD, so the cops can finally stop Dr. Claw for me!

Rob Gronkowski: YO WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO CHAD!? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO PARTY WITH HIM!

Previously, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang. You can read all about it in the 2014 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady embarked on a more deflating endeavor. Someone was responsible for stealing the hair of every quarterback in the NFL. That turned out to be Gisele, who constructed an evil being named Peytom Branning that Tom Brady was able to defeat before it destroyed the world. Check it out at the 2015 Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts.

Tom Brady was then elected as the President of the United States, as it was revealed that he was the only candidate running because both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were figments of his imagination. In doing so, Tom Brady saved his organization, the Two-Handed Gang, from the Latin Kings. Everything was going swimmingly for Brady while in the White House, until he received a telegram from Bill Belichick, requiring his presence in Foxboro. Belichick asked Tom Brady to stop Vladimir Putin from hacking the NFL. In doing so, however, Tom Brady was thrust in an evil dimension, and his evil counterpart came into our world.

Evil Tom Brady caused lots of mayhem in the 2018 adventures, but it turns out that Brady was dreaming everything since being elected President of the United States, and Gisele was trying to make his dreams come true so that she could control the universe. The plan was foiled by Peyton Manning, however.

After winning his sixth Super Bowl, Tom Brady announced that he wanted to become a barber, but accidentally killed some people. He then became a masseur, but got Robert Kraft arrested. Brady went into hiding, but Kraft eventually forgave him for the arrest.

Now, Tom Brady has been told that he won’t be welcomed back to New England. He signed with the Buccaneers. He hasn’t been pleased with his new teammates, or his former head coach. He has taken Rob Gronkowski’s advice and gotten a private investigator to see why Bill Belichick doesn’t like him anymore. It turns out it’s because Dr. Claw has been spreading rumors about him. For the police to stop Dr. Claw, Tom Brady would have to help shut down CHAZ, which he did in the previous episode…

Tom Brady: Hey officers! As you may have seen, I dismantled CHAZ by opening a gym there!

Police Officer No. 1: Great job, Tom Brady! We’ll hold up our end of the bargain. Someone get Dr. Claw on the line!

*** Someone dials Dr. Claw’s number. ***

Tom Brady: Hey, Dr. Claw. You’re on speaker. I’m here at the Tampa Bay police department, and they have a message for you.

Police Officer No. 1: Dr. Claw, you must stop spreading rumors about Tom Brady, or you’ll be arrested!

Tom Brady: Hear that, Dr. Claw? You’ve been foiled once again!

Dr. Claw: AHHHHHH, I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, BRADY! NEXT TIME!

*** Dr. Claw abruptly hangs up the phone, promoting the entire precinct to erupt in applause. Tom Brady takes a bow. ***

Tom Brady: You know, I used to think I was just the best football player ever, and then I came to realize I was the best barber in the world. Now, I know I’m the best police officer in the world, too!

Police Officer No. 2: You’re right, Tom Brady. I didn’t think it was possible, and I doubted you when we give you the mission, but you destroyed CHAZ. None of us could’ve done that, so you definitely are the best police officer of all time.

Police Officer No. 3: Yeah! Here, wait, the chief is coming.

Chief: Great work, Brady. Here’s a congratulatory note and a promotion.

Tom Brady: Thanks, Chief! Let’s read this. “Tom Brady, you are the best police officer of all time, so our ranks are promoting you right away to Sergeant of Police in Houston. This message will self destruct.”

*** Tom Brady crumples up the paper and tosses it behind his back, where the chief is cowering. KABOOM!!! ***

Tom Brady: Well, that’s it, gang. I’m going back to New England so that Bill Belichick forgives me.

Police Officer No. 4: Wait, don’t you have to quarterback the Buccaneers game tomorrow?

Tom Brady: You mean, Pirates. And nah, I only play when I want to.

*** Brady uses his Go-go Brady copter ability to fly to Bill Belichick’s house in New England. ***

Tom Brady: Hello, Bill Belichick. Fancy seeing you here.

Bill Belichick: I live here. What do you want, Tom?

Tom Brady: I’m here to demand that you take me back!

Bill Belichick: And why would I do that?

Tom Brady: Because none of the rumors you heard about me were true! Dr. Claw was spreading false rumrs the whole time!

Bill Belichick: Really? Hmm… that explains everything.

Tom Brady: What did you hear that I said anyway?

Bill Belichick: I heard that you said that my hoodies were ugly and that I smelled! That really hurt my feelings, Tom!

Tom Brady: Damn it, it was Gronk the whole time!

Bill Belichick: What? What about Gronk?

Tom Brady: Oh, nothing. It was Dr. Claw. He said those things. I don’t think your hoodies smell. They’re beautiful and they smell like flowers.

Bill Belichick: You really think so?

Tom Brady: Yes! They are the best!

Bill Belichick: Well, in that case, welcome back to the Patriots! So, are you going to quarterback our team full time? No shenanigans now?

Tom Brady: Yes. No shenanigans. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take over as sergeant of the Houston police department!

Bill Belichick: But I thought you said no more shenanigans!!!

The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012

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