2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 14
Week 13 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New England Patriots (10-2) – Previously: #1 – Here are my thoughts on the Patriots-Jets game:
   
   1. So this was the best Monday Night Football game of the season, ESPN? Arizona-San Francisco was almost better.
   
   The Patriots are clearly the best team in the NFL, and it isn’t even close. They remind me of the 2003 New England squad that won the championship. That team lost two games early, but ripped off 13 consecutive victories en route to a Super Bowl victory over Carolina.
   
   After a few above-average seasons (2005-06, 2009), Tom Brady has the eye of the tiger again. He’s the clear-cut MVP right now, as he’s doing a great job as the leader of this very young team. At this point, I’ll be shocked if the Patriots don’t win it all.
   
   2. The Patriots put on a clinic. They punted only twice before the end of the game. They were flawless in the red zone. They made no mistakes (one penalty, no turnovers). And Brady was perfect, going 21-of-29 for 326 yards and four touchdowns.
   
   3. The Jets, meanwhile, continuously shot themselves in the foot. They made the same mistakes they committed against the Bengals, but the Patriots were actually good enough to take advantage of them.
   
   Mark Sanchez (17-33, 164) heaved three interceptions. His receivers dropped passes. His kicker wasn’t even close on a field goal attempt. And he converted only one third down in the first half.
   
   4. Ron Jaworski said the following in the second quarter: “If your foundation’s built on defense, you have to make a play now.”
   
   New York’s defense had no answer for Brady, and I don’t think they stand the chance in a potential rematch in January. Brady simply has too many weapons, rendering Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie irrelevant.
   
   5. Two funny Facebook posts:
   
   First, Seth N. picked up on something Jon Gruden said:
   
   Gruden just said Ty Warren knocked down Dustin Keller. Ty Warren has been on injured reserve since August. Retard.
   
   Meanwhile, Steve L. discussed the crew on Monday Night Countdown:
   
   I’m surprised you don’t make fun of how the MNF guys make picks before the games with their “analysis.”
   
   Steve Young: “It’s my son Braden’s 10th birthday and we call him Brady B. I’m going Pats.”
   
   Matt Millen: “I think Brady is the best quarterback on the field tonight.”
   
   Keyshawn Johnson: “Yo, i gotta lotta love for New York, but I’m going with the Pats.”
   
   Make fun of those analysts all you want, but they were a combined 3-0. But don’t worry – Keyshawn, Millen and Young won’t be taking over my picks page anytime soon.
   
   
2. New York Jets (9-3) – Previously: #2 – I covered the Jets-Patriots game enough, so let’s talk about the other hot topic on Monday night. In case you missed it, Josh McDaniels was fired.
   
   If you think Broncos fans are thrilled, guess again. Forum member RoxOnlyFan said the following Monday night, “I’m kind of upset actually. He made the damn mess, he should at least be responsible for fixing it. You have to give him at least the rest of the year. Now he gets to destroy the franchise, get fired, and sit back and get paid while somebody else cleans up the mess… bull****.”
   
   Here were some other amusing posts in the McDaniels firing thread:
   
   Roddoliver: “McDaniels destroyed the coaching staff to the point where there is no viable interim head coach.”
   
   Daniel Brown: “It’s so crazy how much McDaniels raped the **** out of this team. In just two years he turned a potential top 10 team into a bottom five team.”
   
   Chg91: “Damn, this sucks. I mean, with all of the inept head coaches getting fired this year, who are we going to have to make fun of next year?!”
   
   Maxvz: “I’m gonna miss McDaniels. Who else could be so gloriously incompetent? I was looking forward to seeing what Denver did this season… in fact, I had pretty good odds on McDaniels trading for Matt Leinart.”
   
   Me: “‘I’m Josh McDaniels, I do whateva I want!’ Except for coach the Broncos, Josh.”
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) – Previously: #3 – I was really sweating out that Pittsburgh-Baltimore game because I had five units on the Steelers.
   
   However, the game was never really in doubt after a specific event. What was it? Forum mod VBSiena’s post in the live in-game thread:
   
   “No worries. Ben Roethlisberger will rape his way to a victory.”
   
   I wish I had that sort of confidence. Instead, I nearly had a heart attack willing Pittsburgh to victory.
   
   
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) – Previously: #4 – Stop it with the sloppy penalties, Saints. You can get away with them against the Bengals and Cowboys, but not the Ravens and Falcons (Weeks 15-16 opponents).
   
   At any rate, kids, if you want to become a great NFL quarterback like Drew Brees, just listen to Merril Hoge. Hoge had this sage advice during last week’s episode of the new crappy NFL Primetime:
   
   “You can’t be an accurate passer if someone’s hittin’ your ball.”
   
   Not that there’s anything wrong with someone hittin’ your ball.
   
   
5. Green Bay Packers (8-4) – Previously: #5 – The Packers have a running game now. Very interesting…
   
   Funny e-mail from Craig H:
   
   Brian Billick is an idiot.
   
   “Aaron Rodgers has 52 touchdowns versus two interceptions in the red zone, you would be hard pressed to do that against air.” – Brian Billick.
   
   You can’t throw an interception against air you idiot.
   
   
6. Philadelphia Eagles (8-4) – Previously: #6 – For the 20 Eagles fans still alive after listening to the horrible, aneurysm-inducing commentary of Bob Papa, Joe Theismann and Matt Millen, here’s something you may have missed (from e-mailer Jason D.):
   
   I really thought you should give honorable mention to the award winning Thursday night broadcast team referring to Winston Justice as “Houston Justice.” They have now gone to the level of changing players’ first names with the team they are facing.
   
   What if these clowns ever have to announce a Raiders-Texans game? Would Oakland defensive tackle Lamarr Houston become “Houston Houston?” Hmm…
   
   Millen: I want you to watch this play. Look at it. That was a great sack by Houston Houston. That was a sack because… because Houston Houston got by the offensive lineman, and managed to wrap up the quarterback and tackle him to the ground.
   
   Theismann: Speaking of wraps, how many have you eat today, Matt, you fat piece of s***? Fifty? Five hundred?
   
   
7. Atlanta Falcons (10-2) – Previously: #9 – Just to make things clear, I absolutely think the Falcons can get to the Super Bowl. They just need homefield advantage to do it. I just doubt their ability to beat a good team outdoors because they haven’t done it yet.
   
   And no, the Buccaneers don’t count. For one, Tampa hasn’t beaten a team with a winning record yet. And two, the field at Raymond James Stadium was a disgrace. There were so many divots everywhere because a meaningless college football game between Connecticut and South Florida was played there the night before.
   
   Oh, and I know that Connecticut’s in a BCS Bowl. I don’t care. All of those games are meaningless. Seriously, who cares about the Rose Bowl or Sugar Bowl or Fiesta Bowl? They’re all irrelevant now, and the only people watching those games are the two teams’ fan bases and degenerate gamblers. Seriously, there is no difference between any BCS Bowl and a WNBA game. No one really cares about either except homers and bettors.
   
   
8. New York Giants (8-4) – Previously: #11 – If you beat a team, and the other team doesn’t even show up, did you win the game? There’s something to think about.
   
   Let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them (thanks to Elliot D. for the first two):
   
   1. “Suckhawks get blast against. Chiefs 42 Suckhawks 24 LOL”
   
   This guy got the pick right. I got it wrong. I will now go jump off my roof.
   
   2. “Charger fans doo doo in their pants”
   
   Glad to see the trash talking on GameCenter is so sophisticated.
   
   3. “your gonna lose this game the jets game for sure”
   
   For sure? OK, if you say so. Your argument is just so compelling.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) – Previously: #8 – I’ve been getting hate mail from Falcons, Bears and Chiefs fans for ranking their team too low. Now, I just got something from a crazed Baltimore supporter.
   
   This e-mail was super long, so I’m just going to give you some excerpts:
   
   The Baltimore Ravens #8 in your power rankings. Wow!!!! 15 players who’ve made a Pro Bowl.. 8-3, all their losses on the road and by less than 3. All losses coming off some, on-purpose, scheduling anomolies.
   
   After we get past the Steelers…
   
   I know, I wrote a book… and I’d be surprised if you read at all. But if you read anything, read this… GET IT TOGETHER you call yourself a journalist… do some homework.. 8th, come on, you’re better than that.
   
   
10. Chicago Bears (9-3) – Previously: #12 – It’s almost painful for me to put the Bears in the Top 10 because this Jay Cutler-Mike Martz combination is bound to blow up sooner or later.
    
    Here are some combos I trust more than Cutler and Martz:
    
    1. Steve Urkel and Carl Winslow’s appliances.
    
    2. Joe Theismann and Matt Millen.
    
    3. JaMarcus Russell and Purple Drank.
    
    4. Tiger Woods and a cell phone with random women’s phone numbers.
    
    Oh, and “Osama bin Laden and atomic bomb” just barely missed the cut.
    
    

32. Carolina Panthers (1-11) – Previously: #31 – If the Panthers don’t feel like tackling or blocking, then I’m going to rank them behind the Cardinals again.

Speaking of Arizona, Facebook friend Anthony A. made a great observation:

Did you watch the post game press conference of Ken Whisenhunt? “I will say this about Derek, he wasn’t himself today. He took some shots early in the game…”

Seems as if Ken knows about Derek Anderson’s magic flask.

31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9) – Previously: #32 – The Adventure of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask continues!

What did Ken Whisenhunt mean by Anderson taking shots too early? Take a look:

Anderson: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

Whisenhunt: Derek, it’s 10 in the morning! Our game doesn’t for another three hours!

Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn izzzz neverrrr too early ta starrrrtt draankkkinnnn.

Whisenhunt: Great point!

*** Ten minutes later… ***

Whisenhunt: Herrzzzz the plannn… You fake a conckkkusshhion. Thennnn I’ll be abel ta putttt in John Skeletor.

Anderson: Yaaa thinkk John Skeltor nickname hic izzz ffffunny? Naatthhinss funnnny taaa meeeee.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10) – Previously: #30 – Funny post from Facebook friend Brian M:

I was about to buy an Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade from the shady South Philly corner store this morning. I looked at the expiration date and it was expired by 3 years. I guess you can call this one a Carson Palmer.

29. Detroit Lions (2-10) – Previously: #29 – Can someone please inform Drew Stanton that you don’t have to drop back 15 yards in the pocket on every play? He has to throw the ball 25 yards just to get it past the first-down marker on 1st-and-10.

More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Wraith):

1. “OMG This just in the 49ers have forfit the game! Na j/k”

This just in you forfit your education!

2. “steelers stink but these teams are basiaclly simular with ed reed and polomolu but ed reed is better than our defences and then offences itll be a good game but i see bucs winning at home”

I love how this guy gives a full analysis on Steelers-Ravens, but then goes on to pick the Atlanta-Tampa winner.

3. “alrite eagle fans u know the bears r the beast in nfc right falcons ok u suck pack bears beat eagles bears beat saints they suck now so da bears r back and best in nfc”

“Falcons ok u suck … saints they suck now…” I wonder how much hate mail this guy would get if he were running this site. Actually, he wouldn’t get any because no one would understand him.

28. Denver Broncos (3-9) – Previously: #28 – Josh McDaniels and Todd Haley hugged after their ugly 10-6 game. Aww… isn’t that sweet?

Here’s what they said to each other during the hug:

McDaniels: Sorry my team sucked today, Turd Haley. I am awesome, but my players are not as awesome.

Haley: That’s OK. I feel that way too sometimes. It’s a shame my players can’t always bask in my awesomeness.

McDaniels: I’m Josh McDaniels, and I do whateva I want. Whateva! Whateva!!! But my players can’t do whateva they want!

Haley: Hey Josh, how about we go back to my place. I just videotaped my neighbors doing it. Let’s watch it together.

McDaniels: I thought you’d never ask! I missed watching your awesome movies.

27. Buffalo Bills (2-10) – Previously: #27 – The Bills just lost both of their centers. This, after last week’s disastrous loss to Pittsburgh. Can anything ever go right for Buffalo?

Speaking of which, I’m sure all Bills fans will appreciate the new Steve Johnson t-shirt (thanks to e-mailer Joshua C. for this.)

26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) – Previously: #26 – I forgot to post this last week. E-mailer Tony P. (not Tony Pike) asked me for some fantasy advice in an e-mail: “You like the Niners defense over the Browns defense? Niners don’t get many turnovers and the Panthers basically hand the ball to the other team.”

My response: “I’d like the Duke Blue Devils defense if they were playing the drunken Derek Anderson.”

That ended up being the right move, but Jimmy Clausen is getting dangerously close to Drunken Derek Anderson level. He has thrown three touchdowns this season – one to his team, and two to the opposition. So make sure you start Atlanta’s defense this weekend.

25. Tennessee Titans (5-7) – Previously: #25 – In my most recent Emmitt on the Brink entry, Derek Anderson held a symposium for all drunken NFL quarterbacks. One of the guys he invited was Kerry Collins.

Now, scroll up a bit, and check out the top two players in Scrubs of the Week below Mark Sanchez.

Coincidence? I think not!

24. Washington Redskins (5-7) – Previously: #23 – This is a few weeks old, but it still applies. If you haven’t heard Chad Dukes’ rant about the Redskins, have a listen. It’s hilarious.

Here were some of the funnier responses to it:

1. diarrhea cha cha cha

What are the odds that this is a GameCenter member? This has to be a lock, right?

2. “BREAKING NEWS” “BREAKING NEWS”, 59 LOTBOTOMIES WERE PERFORMED LAST NIGHT IN LANDOVER MARYLAND AT 8:30 PM. THIS IS A RECORD BREAKING MEDICAL BREAK THROUGH, TOP SURGENS ARE BEING CONTACTED AROUND THE WORLD ABOUT THE STRATEGY THAT THE EAGLES USED TO PERFORM 59 LOTBOTOMIES.[ IN MY AUSTIN POWERS DR. EVIL LAUGHTER] � MUHAHA… MUHAHA MUHAHA MUHAHA”

That wasn’t an Austin Powers laugh, my friend. That was a “I belong in a mental hospital” laugh.

3. I flew to f***ing Korea for work and spent $330 on jerseys for everyone I knew straight fro the f***ing factory with the promise that we wouldnt suck this year. I�m taking the s*** back to get OVI’s

For some reason, I’m just not buying this story.

4. HAMMMM!!!!

The only thing this post accomplished was distracting Matt Millen from whatever he was doing. “HAMMM!!! WHERE!?!?!?”

23. Seattle Seahawks (6-6) – Previously: #24 – If only the Seahawks could schedule Derek Anderson and Jimmy Clausen every week.

Speaking of Anderson, I asked the Arizona quarterback to sit down with me for an interview:

ME: Hey Derek, thanks for joining me.

ANDERSON: “That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine.”

ME: OK, I’m glad it’s fine. Now, I have to…

ANDERSON: “That’s fine.”

ME: Whoops, forgot there were six of those. Now, I have to say, I’m a bit surprised. You seem a bit more sober than usual. Have you not been drinking out of your magical flask today?

ANDERSON: “I just chugged it all down eight minutes ago, so I have about two more minutes of complete clarity.”

ME: Oh, OK. So, what’s it like playing the quarterback position completely intoxicated?

ANDERSON: “It’s unbelievable. You know how you can have only five receivers running routes at the same time? Well, I see 20 receivers out there. And there are so many defenders. So, I just heave it downfield as hard as I can and hope for the best.”

ME: That’s actually pretty funny.

ANDERSON: “Well, I’m glad you think that’s funny. Because nothing’s funny to me. I don’t find anything funny. I don’t laugh. I’ve never laughed. Not once in my entire life. I take my drinking seriously. I put my heart and soul into making the concoctions I fill my magic flask with.”

ME: Sorry, Derek. Didn’t mean to offend your drinking talents.

ANDERSON: “Izzzz OKKKK mannnn… You’rrrrre myyy bessssst frfffffriennddddd hic!”

ME: Wow, those two minutes really flew by.

ANDERSON: “IIIIIII knooowwwwww mannnnn!!!! Timmmmeee fliiiieeeesss byyyyyy hic!”

ME: It’s too bad your magic flask is empty, or I’d take a swig out of it myself.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (6-6). Previously: #7
12. Dallas Cowboys (4-8). Previously: #18
13. Indianapolis Colts (6-6). Previously: #10
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4). Previously: #14
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (5-7). Previously: #20
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6). Previously: #19
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5). Previously: #13
19. Cleveland Browns (5-7). Previously: #21
20. Miami Dolphins (6-6). Previously: #17
21. Oakland Raiders (6-6). Previously: #22
22. Houston Texans (5-7). Previously: #16