2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 7
Week 6 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (5-0) – Previously: #2 – I underestimated how completely dominant the Saints can be in their dome. Excluding a fluke Monday night loss to the Browns last year, the last time the Giants were manhandled like this was in a 41-17 blowout loss against the Vikings in 2007. Coincidentally, Darren Sharper was on that Minnesota team.
   
   Speaking of Sharper, did anyone else find it a little scary that he’s been scouting Eli Manning since high school? Call me crazy, but I don’t think you should be admitting that you watch tapes of high school boys in front of a camera. Perhaps Sharper was the guy who turned Brad Childress on to this form of “entertainment.”
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (5-0) – Previously: #3 – A bye week for the Colts, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODD COLLLINS IS IN”
   
   Before this comment, no one ever had been more happy about the thought of seeing Todd Collins. I don’t even think Collins’ parents were this excited when he was born.
   
   2. “CAMPBELL HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE A FRANCHISE MASCOT .”
   
   Funny comment, but I disagree. Campbell just doesn’t fit into the system the Redskins use for their mascots. Todd Collins would be better.
   
   3. “Shut your mouth Chief fans! You’ll still end up 1-15, the Skins are just this pathetic right now so shut the h*ll up!!!”
   
   You know your team sucks when you’re getting into shouting matches with Chiefs fans regarding which team is worse.
   
   
3. New York Giants (5-1) – Previously: #1 – I’m grateful that I have the NFL Red Zone because my local Fox station decided to broadcast some cooking show instead of the Giants-Saints game. Epic fail, NFL.
   
   Look, I know that there are TV contracts in place to prevent both networks from showing two games the same weekend, but when you have a huge matchup like this one, Roger Goodell needs to step in and make an exception. Not doing so is just screwing the fans (i.e. the paying customers). Excluding a rookie pay scale, the stupid TV network contract is the No. 1 thing Goodell needs to fix.
   
   And by the way, if you don’t have the NFL Red Zone, I strongly recommend it. It’s like watching the NFL while on cocaine.
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2) – Previously: #4 – Troy Polamalu is back. Luckily, we got some idiotic Keyshawn Johnson analysis to coincide with Polamalu’s return the lineup:
   
   “I think Troy Polamalu brings something to the table every time in that secondary.”
   
   Way to go out on a limb, Keyshawn. When Keyshawn is fired by ESPN, he’ll move on to the Weather Channel, where he’ll say things like, “When it’s raining, I think it’s wet outside every time.”
   
   
5. Minnesota Vikings (6-0) – Previously: #5 – Has there ever been a more boring puff piece than Rachel Nichols’ report about Adrian Peterson’s shoe collection? If I don’t care about shoes when a hot chick tries them on, why the hell would I be interested in some man’s shoes? I’d ask if we could see Nichols’ lingerie collection instead, but that would make me sound perverted.
   
   
6. Denver Broncos (6-0) – Previously: #9 – Some notes from the Monday night game:
   
   1. I thought the Chargers would have the early emotional edge in this game, and they definitely did. Philip Rivers went right down the field on the opening drive. With two returns for touchdowns, Eddie Royal really saved the Broncos from their first loss because they didn’t have much success moving the chains in the opening half.
   
   2. Speaking of that first drive, what the hell was Norv Turner thinking by running up the middle on 3rd-and-goal with Darren Sproles? Sproles is not a good runner, and he definitely can’t rush in between the tackles. LaDainian Tomlinson, who looked good against a dominant defense, was pretty pissed off on the sidelines. When Sproles was stuffed behind the line of scrimmage, Antonio Gates walked over to Tomlinson, and they gave each other the “WTF was that?” look. And here I thought Norv was some genius play-caller.
   
   3. The Broncos eventually got their offense going, but I was pretty surprised to see that Josh McDaniels didn’t go with the Wild Horses formation he unveiled against the Patriots last week. Phil Simms had an orgasm watching the Wild Horses and said repeatedly that no team could ever stop it. I guess McDaniels is saving the Wild Horses for later, but the Broncos trailed for a good portion of this game. You’d think that he would have used it.
   
   4. Denver’s defense is awesome, and the adjustments that Mike Nolan makes at halftime are unparalleled. It’s really amazing how well the Broncos are playing right now.
   
   5. More Norv Turner bashing: Tony Scheffler scored a touchdown in the third quarter. At least that’s what it was ruled. Scheffler bobbled the ball at first, and once he got complete possession, he had only one foot inbounds. I thought it was clearly incomplete, yet Norv didn’t challenge it, opting to just stare blankly into space instead. Good going, Norv.
   
   6. Of course, when Norv actually correctly challenged a play, he was denied by a crooked officiating crew that was making phantom calls all evening. Brandon Stokley caught the ball out of the end zone. He dropped to the ground, and when he rolled in, the official signaled for a touchdown. That looked like the correct call at first, but the replay showed that Antonio Cromartie touched Stokley on the ground. It should have been Denver’s ball on the 1-yard line.
   
   However, Scott Green, who seemed like he had tons of money on the Broncos, ruled that Stokley scored a touchdown even though it was very obvious that Stokley was never in the end zone.
   
   A quick note on Green: He’s the same official who ruled that Troy Polamalu didn’t return a fumble at the end of last year’s extremely shady Pittsburgh-San Diego game that finished with an 11-10 score. It’s becoming very evident that Green is the Tim Donaghy of the NFL.
   
   
7. New England Patriots (4-2) – Previously: #7 – Enough with the running-up-the-score talk. If your offense has been struggling all year and finally found its rythym, why would you bench your starters after just one half of brilliant action? If anything, I think Bill Belichick took out Tom Brady and company way too early. The Patriots need to get into a groove before they start taking on the Colts, Dolphins and Saints later on in the year.
   
   
8. Atlanta Falcons (4-1) – Previously: #10 – Some Falcons notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. Remember when I said the Falcons made a great decision by picking Matt Ryan in the 2008 NFL Draft and everyone criticized me? Well, suck it! (Some revisionist history there.)
   
   In all seriousness, you can see Ryan evolving into a Peyton Manning-type quarterback who is just going to carry the team to victory and put together a scoring drive whenever his team needs it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Ryan will be as good as Manning, but he has the same type of football intelligence and awareness. He’s only in his second year, and he’s just going to keep improving.
   
   By the way, Ryan is now 10-1 at home. Keep betting on it until it fails.
   
   2. Remember when I said the Falcons had a great defense and everyone criticized me? Well, suck it! (More revisionist history there.)
   
   I don’t know how they’ve done it, but Atlanta’s defense has mysteriously improved this year. I guess Mike Smith attended the same secret meeting as Josh McDaniels. In all but one game, the Falcons have allowed 20 or less points. If they keep this up, they’ll have a great shot at getting to the Super Bowl.
   
   3. I’ve made my fair share of dumb comments over the years, but it doesn’t compare to some of the posts I’ve read on the NFL.com Gamecenter pages. Here’s what one guy said about the Bears-Falcons tilt:
   
   “both of these teams sucks”
   
   I’m willing to bet that if you look up the IP address of that user, you’ll trace it back to Emmitt Smith’s residence.
   
   
9. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) – Previously: #6 – Are the wheels starting to come off for the Bengals? I hope not because I’d like to see them succeed for a change. However, they just lost a game against a team they should have beaten, and they saw their top two defensive linemen get knocked out with injuries. Domata Peko could be out until Week 9, but Antwan Odom is done for the year.
   
   By the way, major dap to Chad Ochocinco, who bought up all of the remaining unsold tickets in Cincinnati so the game wouldn’t be blacked out in the city. I’d like to see the fans reciprocate by actually selling out the rest of the games. Come on people, this is a good team. Not being able to sell out is a disgrace.
10. Baltimore Ravens (3-3) – Previously: #8 – I picked the Ravens to win the Super Bowl because I thought Joe Flacco would take a big leap forward and would finally provide this defense with the dynamic quarterback it has been looking for since the franchise moved to Baltimore. I was right about Flacco, but the defense absolutely sucks. It’s a disgrace, and I don’t even want to talk about it anymore.
    
    Instead, here are some Bears notes from the Sunday night game:
    
    1. Everyone thinks Jay Cutler sucks. That’s because he throws interceptions like crazy whenever most people see him play. Cutler has 10 touchdowns and seven picks on the year. However, six of those seven interceptions have come on Sunday Night Football. One has to wonder if Cutler feels like he has to carry the team in the spotlight because he’s played pretty well otherwise.
    
    2. I really don’t understand why Matt Forte is so bad this year. He had 1,700 total yards and 12 touchdowns last season. Now, his rushing average is down and he has scored only once. Making matters worse, he fumbled on two consecutive plays on the goal-line against the Falcons. The Bears added Jay Cutler, which should have given Forte more running room. Instead, he’s not running anywhere. Doesn’t Forte know that I have two prop bets riding on him? This has to be a conspiracy against me.
    
    3. Lovie Smith continues to struggle coming off a bye. He’s now 2-6 against the spread after a week off. You have to wonder if that’s why the Bears were guilty of having 12 men on the field on a 4th-and-short in the fourth quarter that gave the Falcons a first down. Chicago made another costly mental error later when Orlando Pace false started on the last play of the game. The Bears were taken back from a 4th-and-1 and into a 4th-and-6, which forced Cutler to toss an incomplete pass.
    
    

32. Tennessee Titans (0-6) – Previously: #24 – I’m convinced that Jeff Fisher woke up Sunday morning, saw the snow on the ground, and thought to himself, “What is this white stuff? We don’t have any of this in Houston and Tennessee… it must be terrorists trying to steal my great game plan. That’ll never happen! I’ll call dives for my running backs and backward passes for my quarterbacks today! And I won’t have any of my defensive backs cover the Patriots receivers! Ha! I’ll show em. No one will steal my awesome game plan! No one!”

31. St. Louis Rams (0-6) – Previously: #31 – Keyshawn had something interesting to say about the Rams during Sunday NFL Countdown. And by interesting, I mean completely stupid and asinine:

“I know the Rams has not won a game in over a year.”

And I know that Keyshawn “have” been studying his grammar from Emmitt Smith.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6) – Previously: #29 – Mike Ditka and Cris Carter both brought up good points regarding why there is such a big difference between the Haves and the Have Nots in the NFL:

“People evaluate talent who don’t know how to evaluate talent. Some organizations care about how high a guy jumps or how fast he runs in a straight line,” Ditka said, taking an obvious shot at Undead Al Davis.

“Teams are giving $40-$50 million to players who don’t love football,” Carter said, trying desperately not to finish the sentence with “hee hee hee honk honk.”

Ditka and Carter were right on, but neither statement applied to the Buccaneers. But they’re easy to figure out. Malcolm Glazer hasn’t put any effort into improving the Bucs since he purchased his precious European soccer team. He even gave the great Michael Clayton a $24 million contract this offseason just to meet the salary-cap floor.

I don’t think Tampa Bay will ever win as long as this soccer-loving fool is in charge. In my opinion, Glazer is the worst owner in the NFL. Sure, Al Davis and Daniel Snyder are inept, but at least they care. Glazer doesn’t give a damn about the Buccaneers.

29. Washington Redskins (2-4) – Previously: #26 – Jim Zorn after his epic fail loss to the Chiefs: “You know, this offense is better than six points.”

You’re right, Jim. Your offense is a whole lot better than six points. In fact, it’s an entire touchdown better because your offense is averaging 13 points per game this year. And by the way, those 13 points still wouldn’t have been enough to beat the Chiefs.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5) – Previously: #30 – Did anyone else think that Todd Haley’s Gatorade shower was completely unnecessary? Congrats, Todd. Three of your five losses this year have been by double digits. Your quarterback still can’t throw a deep out or go a series without taking a sack. Oh, but you beat the Redskins, who have given a whopping four teams their first win this year.

Beating the Redskins is nothing to be proud of, so Haley didn’t deserve a Gatorade shower. So with that in mind, is there a chance that the players who dumped the Gatorade on Haley thought that the yellow liquid in the bucket was acid? I mean, this has to be a remote possibility, right? Acid would be an effective weapon against a dictator coach who benches everyone.

27. Detroit Lions (1-5) – Previously: #25 – The Lions checked out and didn’t put forth any effort against the Packers, so I’ll use this space for my exclusive interview with Andy Reid:

ME: Hey Andy, thanks for joining me. Tough loss against the Raiders. What exactly went wrong?

REID: “Injuries… uhh… umm… Jason Peters… uhh… hamstring… umm… Omar Gaither… uhh… hem, hem… thigh bone… uhh… Victor Abiamiri… umm… uhh… hem, hem… drum stick… uhh… time’s yours…”

ME: Time’s mine? So you’re blaming injuries for your loss to the Raiders?

REID: “Tough loss man… uhh… it’s my responsibility… hem, hem… didn’t put the team… uhh… in a position to win… hem, hem… Time’s yours…”

ME: Well, what about the offensive line? And what about Donovan McNabb trying to call a fourth timeout in the first half?

REID: “Tough loss man… uhh… it’s my responsibility… hem, hem… didn’t put the team… uhh… in a position to win… hem, hem… Time’s yours…”

ME: Andy, you just said that. In fact, all of your post-game press conferences sound eerily similar. Wait, are you reading from a script? Don’t shuffle your papers, talk to me, man!

REID: “Uhh… umm… five cheesesteaks… uhh… 20 sides of cheese fries… hem, hem… uhh… 40 buckets of chicken fingers… uhh… umm… come back later for more orders… Time’s yours…”

ME: Coach, why are you reading off a menu now?

REID: “Sorry, got mixed in there, man… uhh… ummm… we played hard… couldn’t come away with a win… uhh… ummm… uhh… my responsibility… uhh… time’s yours.”

ME: OK, I can just tell that you’re going to read off a script and an occasional menu, so this interview is worthless. You can go back to your menu now.

REID: “Hem, hem… Time’s mine.”

26. Cleveland Browns (1-5) – Previously: #27 – I don’t have anything witty or semi-humorous to say about Eric Mangina and the Browns this week, so let’s do a player profile:

Player Profile: Donovan McNabb

Positives:
– Throws an incredible deep ball
– Is a great spokesman for Campbell’s Chunky Soup
– Has never been responsible for a single loss (according to him, always teammates’ fault)
– Has a future in acting (can vomit on command)

Negatives:
– Refuses to share the spotlight with anyone
– Isn’t aware that games can end in ties
– Has no game-winning drives in the last five years
– Watches too much Chris Webber tape; thinks you can call four timeouts in a single half
– Vomits accidentally sometimes; often in big games

25. Oakland Raiders (2-4) – Previously: #32 – The Raiders finally won a game. The best moment was when a random pigeon flew alongside the Oakland players on kick coverage.

One has to wonder what Al Davis was thinking when this happened. Time for oddities!

10:1 – Nothing; Al Davis was too busy enjoying his raw meat and goat blood, and didn’t see the play.

6:1 – “That bird… might be… a virgin… I must… sacrifice it… immediately… to prolong… my lifespan…”

2:1 – “Commissioner Pete Rozelle… is once again… conspiring against me… that bird… has been sent… from the… commissioner’s office… to give us… a loss…”

1:7 – “Who is… that great player? He runs… a fast 40… I must… sign him… to a… $50 million… contract…”

24. Buffalo Bills (2-4) – Previously: #28 – R.I.P. Awesome No-Huddle Offense. You were working so well 🙁

Great e-mail from Mark K. regarding my 24-6 Jets over Bills prediction:

“I am outraged at your prediction. How can you state that the Bills will score 6 points against the Jersey Jets!? People may think you meant a touchdown with a missed extra point and we all know that is not possible. You should qualify your prediction that the points will be scored by 3 safeties or 2 field goals, or if it is a touchdown that it was a fluke play by the not so special teams.”

Mark was definitely right. The fluke was Trent Edwards getting hurt. Who saw Ryan Fitzpatrick leading this team to victory?

23. Carolina Panthers (2-3) – Previously: #23 – Since his playoff loss to the Cardinals, I’ve been speculating that when Jake Delhomme commits multiple turnovers in a game, he’s appeasing his son’s kidnappers. Well, I think it’s time to say good riddance to Delhomme’s chances of getting his son back.

Delhomme tried his hardest to lose to the Buccaneers. He tossed two picks (one returned for a touchdown), yet the Panthers still managed to cover the game at the very end. Delhomme will never see his son ever again. Let’s just hope that the kidnappers treat him well.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Previously: #19
12. Miami Dolphins (2-3). Previously: #14
13. Chicago Bears (3-2). Previously: #12
14. Houston Texans (3-3). Previously: #20
15. San Francisco 49ers (3-2). Previously: #15
16. Green Bay Packers (3-2). Previously: #17
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2). Previously: #13
18. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Previously: #16
19. New York Jets (3-3). Previously: #11
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-4). Previously: #18
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3). Previously: #22
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-2). Previously: #21

1. Cardinals (2.7)
2. Dolphins (3.2)
3. Broncos (3.3)
4. Steelers (3.3)
5. Eagles (3.4)
6. Packers (3.6)
7. 49ers (3.7)
8. Saints (3.7)
9. Bengals (3.7)
10. Ravens (3.7)
11. Titans (3.7)
12. Bears (3.7)
13. Redskins (3.8)
14. Vikings (3.9)
15. Jaguars (3.9)
16. Rams (4.0)
17. Jets (4.1)
18. Giants (4.2)
19. Colts (4.3)
20. Cowboys (4.3)
21. Raiders (4.4)
22. Seahawks (4.5)
23. Chargers (4.5)
24. Falcons (4.6)
25. Buccaneers (4.8)
26. Browns (4.8)
27. Panthers (4.8)
28. Patriots (4.9)
29. Chiefs (4.9)
30. Texans (4.9)
31. Lions (4.9)
32. Bills (5.3)

1. Jets (4.9)
2. Bills (5.3)
3. Colts (5.6)
4. Saints (5.9)
5. Broncos (6.2)
6. Redskins (6.3)
7. Steelers (6.4)
8. Patriots (6.4)
9. Falcons (6.5)
10. Bears (6.5)
11. Giants (6.6)
12. 49ers (6.9)
13. Eagles (6.9)
14. Seahawks (6.9)
15. Texans (7.0)
16. Packers (7.0)
17. Bengals (7.1)
18. Panthers (7.2)
19. Cardinals (7.2)
20. Cowboys (7.3)
21. Chargers (7.4)
22. Jaguars (7.5)
23. Browns (7.5)
24. Raiders (7.5)
25. Vikings (7.6)
26. Chiefs (7.8)
27. Rams (8.2)
28. Ravens (8.2)
29. Lions (8.3)
30. Dolphins (8.4)
31. Buccaneers (8.8)
32. Titans (8.8)