2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 16
Week 15 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (11-3) – Previously: #1 – For the first time all year, I’m doubting my No. 1 ranking of the Giants. I considered putting the Steelers atop the power rankings because they always find some way to win and even pay off some of the officials. Speaking of which, check out my exclusive interview with Walt Coleman further down.
   
   As for the Giants, I didn’t think they would be affected by this Plaxico Burress incident, but it looks like they are. Their offense couldn’t move the ball against the Eagles and Cowboys. It’s a good thing I don’t have a boss who could fire me from this site because I can say things like, “The Giants should bring Burress back so he can ‘accidentally’ shoot the opposing defenders in the foot.”
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3) – Previously: #2 – As I said last week, “No surprise the Steelers were involved in yet another controversial game in terms of betting (groan).”
   
   After official Walt Coleman neglected to say that the ball broke the plane, instead just talking about the two feet in the end zone, a lot of media members are assuming that he didn’t know the rules. I’d like to suggest that while in the booth, Coleman got a call from out West (if you know what I mean), telling him to award the Steelers the touchdown. As I’ve mentioned multiple times, it’s no coincidence that Pittsburgh’s original owner made his money from operating a successful sportsbook, which used to be legal.
   
   
3. Tennessee Titans (12-2) – Previously: #3 – With Albert Haynesworth out, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Titans lost every single game the rest of the season – even if Haynesworth returns for the divisional round of the playoffs.
   
   One of the reasons I had the Texans as my December NFL Pick of the Month on my NFL Picks page is because Tennessee hasn’t really done anything recently. Check out the Titans’ previous few games: Cleveland (garbage), Detroit (garbage), the Jets (lost 34-13), Jacksonville (garbage) and Chicago (terrible with Rex Grossman).
4. Carolina Panthers (11-3) – Previously: #4 – When deciding whom to pick in the Carolina-Denver game, most people chose the Panthers. A few others selected the Broncos. Cris Carter? On Sunday NFL Countdown, Carter picked the Falcons to win this contest. Way to go, Cris.
   
   After the show, Carter bought some cheese, wrote a love sonnet to Laura Winslow and pissed off her father.
   
   
5. Indianapolis Colts (10-4) – Previously: #5 – No one outside of Indianapolis watched the Colts-Lions game yesterday, but I thought it was cool seeing Peyton Manning when Detroit inexplicably came back from 21-10 to tie the game at 21. Manning’s face was red and he looked very angry, almost as if his wife scratched his car or his computer deleted his porn collection. Manning looked like he was thinking, “There’s no damn way I’m losing to this crappy team.” To his credit, Manning put the Colts on his back and scored 10 unanswered points.
   
   
6. Dallas Cowboys (9-5) – Previously: #10 – Did anyone find it hilarious that Terrell Owens dropped the first pass that was thrown his way against the Giants? Knowing Owens, he probably thinks that Tony Romo and Jason Witten planned for him to drop that ball in one of their secret meetings.
   
   
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-5) – Previously: #6 – To please Ravens fans, more Walt Coleman bashing:
   
   In the second quarter of the Baltimore-Pittsburgh game, the officials huddled up for about five minutes, apparently deciding on an illegal formation or an offsides. When Coleman finally spoke, he stuttered, “There… there was no foul on the play. No. 79 was uh… confused. Then he lined up properly.”
   
   This prompted Jim Nantz to respond, “Was No. 79 confused, or were the officials confused?”
   
   
8. Atlanta Falcons (9-5) – Previously: #8 – Before you criticize the Falcons for barely beating the Buccaneers with Brian Griese playing for an injured Jeff Garcia, remember that the Buccaneers lost to Brad Johnson, and that last year, Quinn Gray won at Tampa Bay. Teams naturally have trouble getting up for backup quarterbacks, which is understandable. Think about it this way – if you play sports, and you don’t see the opposing team’s best player warming up, you’re probably going to be a bit relieved and very relaxed.
   
   By the way, want to know how much can change in six years? OK, well conference opponents are guaranteed to play each other in the same location every six seasons. For example, the Falcons play at Minnesota next week. They had the same contest back in 2002. The significance of this? That was the famous game where Michael Vick ran right through Minnesota’s defense, causing two Viking defenders to collide into each other, which is often shown first in any Vick highlight. It’s a shame because Vick had so much promise – and not in the dog-killing department.
   
   
9. New England Patriots (9-5) – Previously: #9 – You have to give credit to Matt Cassel for playing so well in the wake of his father’s death.
   
   Oh, and the next time a signal caller’s father dies a few days prior to a Raiders game, please remind me, so I can bet my mortgage and my future kids on that quarterback’s team.
   
   
10. New York Jets (9-5) – Previously: #7 – I’d like to copy-paste what I wrote last week because I think it still applies.
    
    I’ve brought this up before, but I think the Jets would have been better off losing at Tennessee. They exerted so much energy in that two-game road trip that they’re just running on fumes right now. They look dead and unfocused – basically the same way the Redskins have played since beating the Cowboys and Eagles as visitors.
    
    It just seems like the Jets peaked too early and don’t really have anything left in the tank. They’ll likely scrape by Buffalo, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they finish the season with a 1-2 record at the very best.
    
    Well, I’m one-for-one. Make sure you check my Week 16 NFL Picks on Wednesday to find out how Eric Mangini plans to turn around his 0-3 West Coast record. And no, it doesn’t involve things he learned last year’s summer jobs, including pizza delivery and lifeguarding.

32. Detroit Lions (0-14) – Previously: #32 – I’m torn. I know I said I was openly rooting for the Lions to go 0-16 because they screwed my November NFL Pick of the Month by blowing a 17-0 lead against the Buccaneers – and I’m shaking while typing this – but I kind of feel sorry for them. They’re trying so hard. If they go winless, their team photo will be sent to Canton, where they will always be remembered as the worst squad in the league.

Then again, I want the Lions to go 0-16 because the Ford family deserves this. William Clay Ford is a rotten person, who simply doesn’t care about his fans at all. He deserves to be embarrassed.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-12) – Previously: #30 – Nothing positive to say about the Rams (except for the fact that they lost and kept their draft standing), so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Walt Coleman!

ME: Walt, thanks for joining me. I know your call in the Ravens-Steelers game has been scrutinized by everyone. Thanks for being a man and doing this interview with me.

COLEMAN: “No problem, Walt. Hey, I’m confused. If you’re Walt, then who am I?”

ME: Uhh… I’ll just ignore that. Let’s get to your ruling. Many are opining that there wasn’t enough physical evidence that the ball crossed the plane. What would you say to those people?

COLEMAN: “How many hours a week do you work? What is your work week like? Are you a Virgo or a Leo?”

ME: No, Coleman. I’m doing the interview here. I know you don’t understand the rules of interviews. When I ask you a question, just answer it as best as you can. So, what would you say to those people?

COLEMAN: “Uhh… No. 79 was not lined up properly. Then he was set. No flag on the play!”

ME: No… that’s another call you screwed up. I’m talking about the Santonio Holmes touchdown.

COLEMAN: “The runner broke the first-down barrier! First down, Pittsburgh!”

ME: Umm… no… that’s yet another call you botched. Come on, Coleman. Concentrate! Concentrate!!!

COLEMAN: “There were two feet in the end zone with possession of the ball. Touchdown!”

ME: Ah, ha! Yet again, you never mentioned that the ball crossed the plane! Next, you’ll probably tell me that you’ve never heard of ties.

COLEMAN: I have never heard of ties before. Never been part of a tie. Never even knew that was in the rule book. I’d like to see what happens in the Super Bowl if the game ends in a tie.

ME: What? Wait a second… you sound like Donovan McNabb! Holy crap – you’re really Donovan who has dressed up as an old official!

COLEMAN: UHHHH!!! GOTTA GO!

30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1) – Previously: #31 – I wouldn’t say the Bengals beat the Redskins. I’d suggest that the Redskins beat themselves.

“Hmm… we’re at the 1-yard line down seven points. Instead of giving the ball to my best player, let me hand it to my crappy fullback. That’s what Brad Childress would do!”

Jim Zorn sucks.

Funny comment by RotoWorld if you missed it: “Cedric Benson told reporters he would have 1,800 yards right now if he was running through the holes that Matt Forte has been running through in Chicago. He has a better chance at 1,800 DWIs.”

29. Oakland Raiders (3-11) – Previously: #28 – The Raiders have now lost at least 11 games in six consecutive seasons, becoming the first NFL team to accomplish that feat since the beginning of time.

In the wake of this, Oakland has responded by demoting Andrew Walter from No. 2 to No. 3 on the depth chart.

Tom Cable called this a motivational tool, but we know that’s not exactly true. So, why was Walter demoted? Time for oddities!

6:1 – Al Davis forged a document, linking Andrew Walter to Lane Kiffin. However, Undead Al forgot that he fabricated this when he was looking through his files.

4:1 – Al Davis recently timed Andrew Walter in the 40 and was very disappointed.

4:1 – Andrew Walter rescued one of the virgins that Undead Al was going to sacrifice to prolong his life span.

3:2 – Andrew Walter spilled Al Davis’ daily gallon of goat blood while delivering it to his dark owner.

28. Seattle Seahawks (3-11) – Previously: #29 – To clear something up, Seneca “The Backdoor Bandit” Wallace didn’t backdoor the Rams. He simply attacked St. Louis from behind. As Bill Simmons would say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2008 Seattle Seahawks!”

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) – Previously: #27 – If you’re wondering why I have the Browns ahead of the Jaguars, it’s because Cleveland somehow won in Jacksonville earlier in the season. With that in mind, here are some notes on the Browns in the wake of their Monday night debaclation:

1. If you missed the 5,000 times Mike Tirico, Jaws and Tony Kornheiser mentioned it, the Browns haven’t scored an offensive touchdown since Nov. 17. That’s a full month!!!! How is an NFL team so crappy!?

2. Jamal Lewis might be the slowest man alive. I wouldn’t be surprised if he runs a 540.6 in the 40. He should just retire right now.

3. Is anyone wondering why Braylon Edwards is great on Monday night and so crappy on Sundays? His fantasy owners would have been really pissed off if they actually watched the boring Monday night game.

4. Did anyone see Romeo Crennel when Steve Heiden got hurt? He was searching his pockets for something. I’m sold that he was thinking, “Damn it, where did I put that secret box of Oreos I was saving for the second half?”

26. Cleveland Browns (4-10) – Previously: #26 – Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles. Third-down conversion. First down, Eagles.

No, I’m not trying to be funny. This is what really happened! The Eagles were 7-of-9 on third down in the first half alone.

If only I had bribed Andy Reid with a box full of cheese steaks… maybe my 4-unit play on Cleveland would have hit!

25. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12) – Previously: #25 – If you haven’t heard, Chiefs general manager Carl Peterson resigned. The sun finally shines in Kansas City after 10 dark years.

In other news, the stock of a hair gel company based out of Kansas City plummeted just hours after this news broke. Coincidence? Definitely not.

24. Buffalo Bills (6-8) – Previously: #24 – Media members can blame J.P. Zohan all they want for fumbling the ball away and allowing the Jets to score the go-ahead touchdown on defense, but the culprit responsible for this has to be offensive coordinator Turk Schonert. Seriously, what was he thinking?

“OK, my quarterback totally sucks and our running game is working to perfection. It’s second-and-five, and we have the lead with two minutes left. Running the clock out would make sense, but let me trick the defense with my turnover-prone quarterback by having him senselessly roll out! Maybe he’ll even protect the football!”

If this doesn’t warrant a firing, I don’t know what does.

23. Green Bay Packers (5-9) – Previously: #23 – I wrote this in my last three Power Rankings. I’m doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.

Did you know that the Seahawks-Rams and Jaguars-Packers games never happened? I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn’t cover that game. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime.

Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames (“He’s the cashier because he makes you pay with either credit cards or money!”) and handing out fantasy advice (“Start him! He audibles well!”) to discuss the inexplicable demise of the Packers. ESPN hates its viewers. That’s the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they’d bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they’ve done with that show is a disgrace.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5). Previously: #11
12. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1). Previously: #12
13. Miami Dolphins (9-5). Previously: #15
14. Minnesota Vikings (9-5). Previously: #16
15. Chicago Bears (8-6). Previously: #17
16. Arizona Cardinals (8-6). Previously: #13
17. New Orleans Saints (7-7). Previously: #14
18. Houston Texans (7-7). Previously: #20
19. Denver Broncos (8-6). Previously: #18
20. San Diego Chargers (6-8). Previously: #19
21. San Francisco 49ers (5-9). Previously: #22
22. Washington Redskins (7-7). Previously: #21

1. Ravens (3.2)
2. Vikings (3.3)
3. Steelers (3.4)
4. Jets (3.5)
5. Giants (3.6)
6. Eagles (3.6)
7. Titans (3.7)
8. Bears (3.7)
9. Dolphins (3.9)
10. Bengals (3.9)
11. Saints (3.9)
12. Cardinals (3.9)
13. 49ers (4.0)
14. Seahawks (4.0)
15. Patriots (4.0)
16. Cowboys (4.0)
17. Chargers (4.0)
18. Redskins (4.1)
19. Bills (4.1)
20. Jaguars (4.2)
21. Colts (4.3)
22. Panthers (4.4)
23. Buccaneers (4.4)
24. Texans (4.5)
25. Raiders (4.5)
26. Browns (4.7)
27. Packers (4.8)
28. Falcons (4.8)
29. Rams (5.0)
30. Broncos (5.1)
31. Lions (5.1)
32. Chiefs (5.3)

1. Steelers (5.4)
2. Titans (5.8)
3. Ravens (6.0)
4. Redskins (6.3)
5. Eagles (6.3)
6. Bears (6.3)
7. Panthers (6.4)
8. Colts (6.4)
9. Giants (6.5)
10. Buccaneers (6.5)
11. Cowboys (6.6)
12. Packers (6.8)
13. Chargers (6.8)
14. Bills (6.8)
15. 49ers (6.9)
16. Bengals (7.0)
17. Saints (7.0)
18. Jets (7.0)
19. Dolphins (7.0)
20. Falcons (7.1)
21. Vikings (7.1)
22. Cardinals (7.2)
23. Raiders (7.2)
24. Browns (7.4)
25. Chiefs (7.5)
26. Broncos (7.6)
27. Patriots (7.6)
28. Seahawks (7.6)
29. Texans (7.6)
30. Jaguars (7.8)
31. Rams (8.4)
32. Lions (8.8)