I will be publishing all of my random NFL notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here so you can easily look back at what I’ve written. This page will be updated each week during the season.
Random NFL Notes: Week 17:
1. I’m writing this as I’m watching the Texans-Buccaneers game, which was marred by ridiculous Tampa turnovers and also horrific officiating. It’s only been 25 minutes of game action, and yet there have been half-a-dozen blown calls already.
I don’t understand why the NFL can’t figure out its officiating. It’s been horrible for so many years. You’d think a billion-dollar industry like the NFL could at least have mediocre officiating at the very worst, but it seems to be the worst refereeing in any sport.
I hate people who complain and yet offer no solutions – douchey blue-checkmarked losers on Twitter often do this – so here’s what I propose: I think the NFL needs to hold officiating competitions in the offseason, and the best officials in those competitions get to work in the NFL that year. Of course, these officials need to be vetted because they could aim to fix games like Tim Donaghy did in the NBA. However, if they’re clean, and they do very well in the competition, they can work as refs in the NFL.
2. Speaking of that Tampa Bay-Houston game, it was part of what I like to call the NFL’s Divorce Package. Each year, the NFL plays games on the preceding Saturday before Christmas. This obviously infuriates wives who don’t like football. This includes my wife, as the following conversation took place between us a few days prior to the Divorce Package:
Wife: Can we do something fun this Saturday?
Me: I’d like to, but there are three games on.
Wife (jokingly): That’s it, I want a divorce!
See? I never even told her about my Divorce Package, and yet she joked about it.
Don’t get me wrong; I love having games on Saturday. When I was single, these days used to be the best. But I think there’s something to the divorce aspect of these games. I’ve written before that Roger Goodell’s wet dream is for every single married couple to get divorced so that the football fans can tune into more games, and the Divorce Package is evidence of that.
My dad has recently become frustrated with Doug Pederson. He wants him fired, and I wrote last week that he wants to replace Pederson with Jason Garrett.
I think I’ve managed to talk him into Garrett being terrible. He’s come up with a new candidate to replace Pederson:
Dad: What about that Packers coach? Mike McCartney. He’s great.
Me: Ugh. No. Mike McCarTHy is terrible.
Dad: Why? He won a Super Bowl!
Me: Aaron Rodgers won a Super Bowl. And he would’ve won more than one Super Bowl if he had a better coach.
Dad: No, you’re wrong. MIKE MCCARTHY IS A GREAT COACH!
He yelled this. I don’t know why he was so passionate about a coach whose offense is in the stone ages, but I could see other Eagle fans thinking this way. Oh, and Panthers owner Bobby Axelrod as well. Axelrod brought in McCarthy for an interview, which seems like a waste of time. Carolina will be making a huge mistake by hiring McCarthy, but Axelrod seems intent on running his franchise into the ground.
Random NFL Notes: Week 16:
1. The Patriots were once again accused of cheating, as someone in the organization was suspiciously videotaping the Bengals’ sideline. Some may call this Spygate II. This could open the possibility of Emmitt Smith becoming the next head coach of the Patriots.
But why would the Patriots film the Bengals? It almost seems silly, doesn’t it? The Patriots could probably have shown up to the game completely hung over and still won by double digits, so why would Bill Belichick order someone to tape Cincinnati? It would be like an overly confident person in power being worried about getting overthrown by a proven child molester with onset dementia. With a clear-cut victory in hand, there’s no need to be concerned about the opposition. A misunderstanding is often the easiest answer.
However, that’s not always the case. One of my best friends from my Penn State days always used to cheat on his exams. He’d look at the answers of those around him and then compare them to his own and decide what to ultimately put down as his own answer. The thing is, he would continue to do this whenever he knew the answers! He admitted this one night as we were drinking at a bar. He apparently wanted to make sure he got everything correct and didn’t miss anything. He started to cheat initially when he didn’t study for some exams, but this eventually became a habit for him.
Perhaps it’s a habit for the Patriots. It could be possible that Belichick just wants to be perfect, so he’s looking for a crazy edge, even when he doesn’t need one. I’m not saying I believe Belichick cheated for certain, but I don’t think it can be easily dismissed because he didn’t need to do it.
As for my friend, I turned him over to student affairs, and he was expelled. Just kidding! I’m not an a**hole.
2. The opposite of cheating is having the correct answers but opting to be blatantly wrong for some reason. We can see that here in a tweet from some guy who writes for CBS:
Granted, this tweet is a couple of weeks old, but it was clear that Jackson was one of the two MVP frontrunners at this point. Week 12 was when Jackson destroyed the Rams’ great secondary on Monday Night Football, winning 45-6. That put him ahead of Russell Wilson in MVP consideration if he wasn’t there already.
And yet, an MVP-caliber season is worth a B+, apparently. What the hell does Jackson need to do in order to earn an “A” grade from this guy? I wonder if Jackson were blindfolded and still led his team to a double-digit win, would this CBS fellow write, “That was only mildly impressive, I suppose I’ll move him up to A- if he does it again, raaaaaar.”
I don’t understand how a writer who works for CBS can come to this sort of conclusion. This is the sort of clickbait-type thing you’d see from a small-site writer trying to gain attention. For a CBS writer to come to this conclusion is completely illogical.
3. I usually discuss crazy things my dad says in this spot. He called Ezekiel Elliott the most-hated player in the NFL because he’s “disgusting” and then said everyone hates Andy Reid because he’s a “pig.” He then took issue with Baker Mayfield’s girlfriend in that one commercial where she asks for a straw for her lemonade. “How about you put my dick in your mouth?” he yelled, pretending to be Mayfield. He recently called FOX sideline reporter Kristina Pink a “whore.” I’m still not sure why, but it apparently was because she had sperm on her lips. I don’t know.
My dad has recently become frustrated with Doug Pederson. He wants him fired.
“He’s an idiot, and he keeps losing!” my dad shouted. “If we had any other coach, we’d be in the playoffs by now!”
Many in Philly have been criticizing Pederson as well, claiming that the Eagles’ 2017 success was because of Frank Reich. They might be correct, but I still think Pederson is a good coach. Offensive coordinator Mike Groh needs to be fired, but that’s a topic for another time.
My dad then voiced his opinion on whom he wants as a replacement for Pederson.
“That Dallas coach with the red hair, he’s great!” my dad remarked. “The Cowboys are always good. The Eagles should get him.”
My God.
I tried to explain how terrible Jason Garrett is, but my dad wouldn’t have it.
“He’s one of the best coaches in the NFL! The Eagles need him!”
Random NFL Notes: Week 15:
1. Much was made about FOX color analyst Tim Ryan being suspended for his comments about Lamar Jackson. If you missed it, Ryan said that Jackson has been able to benefit on play-action because of his “dark skin with a dark football” advantage. I guess Ryan is really putting the color in color analyst! Get it? Because he’s talking about color, and he’s a color analyst?
This predictably sparked outrage on Twitter because it’s impossible to talk about race without sparking outrage. What I think should’ve been addressed was that Ryan’s comment was dumb because quarterbacks like Peyton Manning have been terrific play-action fakers despite being white. Unless I’m colorblind without even realizing it, Manning was white, so he wasn’t able to benefit from a “dark ball,” and this didn’t hinder him at all.
So, if the 49ers wanted to suspend Ryan for dumb commentary, I would’ve been fine with it. I imagine they suspended him for other reasons, which is equally dumb because what he said was racial; not racist. Dumb people don’t understand the difference – hence the outrage from idiots on Twitter – but the definition of racist is someone who believes a particular race is superior or inferior to another, and I don’t see how what Ryan said was remotely racist. It was just stupid.
2. Speaking of FOX analysts, there was lots of discussion about the attire that Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were wearing during the Dallas-Chicago game last Thursday night. Here it is for those who missed it:
This ignited lots of criticism for those who chided Aikman and Buck – particularly the former – for not wearing a suit. However, I thought it was great. I don’t understand why people have to wear suits if they’re going to a fancy place or appearing on TV. Who says this is a requirement? I don’t understand why this became a social norm, but it’s a dumb one. People should be able to wear whatever the hell they want.
I hope this catches on quickly. I’m going to be a groomsman in a wedding this upcoming March, and I’m being forced into wearing a tie. This sucks because, as we all know, ties are like kissing your sister. However, if my good friend Body Burner, who is getting married, realized what a genius Aikman is, I’ll get out of wearing a tie.
3. I usually discuss crazy things my dad says in this spot. He called Ezekiel Elliott the most-hated player in the NFL because he’s “disgusting” and then said everyone hates Andy Reid because he’s a “pig.” He then took issue with Baker Mayfield’s girlfriend in that one commercial where she asks for a straw for her lemonade. “How about you put my dick in your mouth?” he yelled, pretending to be Mayfield. He recently called FOX sideline reporter Kristina Pink a “whore.” I’m still not sure why, but it apparently was because she had sperm on her lips. I don’t know.
Keeping with the theme of FOX football people, Terry Bradshaw was the latest victim of my dad’s. He went on a rant about how he thought Bradshaw was a moron:
“He’s an idiot! He doesn’t know anything about football! I know more about football than him!” my dad shouted at Bradshaw when he was talking.
I tried to hold in my laughter.
“But dad, he won four Super Bowls,” I replied.
My dad shook his head violently.
“Doesn’t matter! He’s an idiot!”
There you go. Bradshaw is apparently an idiot, and my dad knows more about football than he does.
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Random NFL Notes: Week 14:
1. I’m curious to hear what everyone thinks about this, but I’m beginning to believe that year-long fantasy football is in decline. The interest has diminished just a bit, perhaps because of the emergence of daily fantasy.
Personally, I’ve been more focused on daily fantasy. There’s just more upside with lots of money at stake, and it’s more exciting. I’ve found myself not even knowing if I’ve won some of my year-long matchups until I do waivers on Tuesday. I was also guilty of not subbing out Julio Jones in one of my year-long lineups. Luckily, I had already clinched playoff berth in that league, but the fact remains that it didn’t even dawn on me that I had to bench Jones when it was announced that he wouldn’t play. I was more concerned about whether or not he was in my DFS lineups.
What do you guys think? Have you seen a decline in year-long fantasy interest? Are you suffering from it as well?
2. Speaking of year-long fantasy, I had a discussion about it during Thanksgiving. One member of my family engaged in fantasy conversation with me during the middle game.
You might be thinking that this was a fun topic to discuss, but you’d be wrong. I’ve heard this before, so it’s not just me, but there’s nothing more boring than hearing about someone’s fantasy team. In fact, I believe there are two types of people in the world:
a. Those who don’t realize that discussing their fantasy team is boring.
b. Those who don’t talk about their fantasy team because they realize that it’s boring.
The dude in question is a nice guy, so this isn’t attack on him. Rather, this is a PSA for anyone who constantly talks about their fantasy team. Trust me when I say this: No one cares!
3. I usually discuss crazy things my dad says in this spot. He called Ezekiel Elliott the most-hated player in the NFL because he’s “disgusting” and then said everyone hates Andy Reid because he’s a “pig.” He then took issue with Baker Mayfield’s girlfriend in that one commercial where she asks for a straw for her lemonade. “How about you put my dick in your mouth?” he yelled, pretending to be Mayfield. He recently called FOX sideline reporter Kristina Pink a “whore.” I’m still not sure why, but it apparently was because she had sperm on her lips. I don’t know.
I was at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving, so I was watching the final game with my dad and one of his best friends. My dad’s friend is a nice dude, but admittedly knows very little about football. “I’m good with sports I used to play like hockey, tennis and soccer,” he said.
I’d go on a rant about soccer, and how utterly boring it is, but now is not the time. Instead, I want to point out that my dad’s friend said something amusing at one point. He went to the bathroom during th first half and missed an Atlanta touchdown. He came back into the room and saw the score. He then remarked:
“Oh wow, I missed the Atlanta home run!”
I don’t know if he said that intentionally to troll everyone, or if he legitimately confused home run with touchdown, but I thought it was hilarious.
Random NFL Notes: Week 13:
1. Let’s begin with the ongoing Myles Garrett drama, where Garrett accused Mason Rudolph of saying a racial slur – presumably, the “N” word – which he used as an excuse for bashing Rudolph over the head with a helmet.
First of all, even if Rudolph had used the “N” word, it doesn’t excuse Garrett for endangering Rudolph’s life. Garrett easily could have just said something back. No matter what someone says to you, there isn’t anything that justifies giving that person potential brain damage.
Second, I’m not even buying that Rudolph said that. I wouldn’t completely rule it out, but why would he used the “N” word when his head coach, top receivers, running backs and two offensive linemen are all black? Plus, the NFL found no audio of this, so it sounds like complete nonsense.
2. As for a lighter topic, I’d like to discuss a pet peeve of mine in regard to betting. This is something Colin Cowherd is often guilty of. When Cowherd rattles off a few reasons why he likes a team, if they’re playing as hosts, he’ll say, “They’re at home.”
I’ve heard others on TV cite this as well. It’s happened in real life, too. I’ve mentioned before that I watch Thursday Night Football with my dad. He asked me who I liked in the Texans-Colts game – he doesn’t know how to use the Internet and thus can’t access this Web site – and when I told him that I was on Indianapolis, he said he disagreed with me.
Dad: I like Houston.
Me: Why?
Dad: They’re at home.
They’re at home. I do all of this research with my picks, and I write 500-750 words on each game, but none of that matters because one team is at home.
People, teams being at home doesn’t matter whatsoever. I did the quick research, and I asked my dad how often he thinks teams cover at home. He guessed 60 percent of the time.
He wasn’t even close. Did you know that going into Week 12, home teams were 41.8 percent against the spread this year? That’s 64-89-5. And yes, this is a small sample size, so let’s look at how home teams have performed since the new CBA in 2011. Hosts since then are 49 percent to cover at 1,077-1,120-66.
I won’t blame my dad for not knowing this, but the people on TV – those like Cowherd who do this for a living – should know better. The next time you hear them suggesting a team will cover because they’re at home, either send them this link or completely ignore them.
3. Speaking of my dad, he’s said some interesting things over the season. He called Ezekiel Elliott the most-hated player in the NFL because he’s “disgusting” and then said everyone hates Andy Reid because he’s a “pig.” He then took issue with Baker Mayfield’s girlfriend in that one commercial where she asks for a straw for her lemonade. “How about you put my dick in your mouth?” he yelled, pretending to be Mayfield.
This week, my dad was angry at FOX sideline reporter Kristina Pink. I’m not sure why, but he yelled the following when she was talking:
“She’s a whore!”
My mom, who was watching with us, asked why. His response:
“Because she has sperm on her lips!”
I don’t know why he thought there was sperm anywhere, but that’s apparently why Pink is a lady of the night.
Random NFL Notes: Week 12:
1. The biggest news to come out of the NFL last weekend was the Browns-Steelers fight that led to Myles Garrett and Maurkice Pouncey getting suspended. I won’t really touch on it much here, however, because I graded the suspensions for both players in the Disaster Grades page. Meanwhile, Kenny Ortiz and I discussed what happened on video:
2. Colin Kaepernick had a workout Saturday. Leading up to it, he said he looked forward to seeing head coaches in attendance. No head coaches showed up, of course, because the workout took place on a Saturday. The head coaches were preparing for games the following day. I’d love to know why the workout didn’t take place on a Monday or a Tuesday.
Following the workout, Kaepernick told the scouts in attendance, “When you go back, tell your owners to stop being scared.”
Ironically, Kaepernick ruined his chance of signing with the Ravens a couple of years ago because he compared the team’s owner to a slave owner. Maybe they wouldn’t be scared if he didn’t compare them to slave owners!
There’s nothing really to say about Kaepernick’s workout, as it was a publicity stunt more than anything. Kaepernick was benched in favor of Blaine Gabbert toward the end of his tenure. He regressed each season in the NFL because he refused to study film. He wasn’t a good quarterback three years ago, so considering all of the baggage he comes with, there’s really no reason for any team to sign him to be their backup.
3. I’ve been discussing funny things my dad has said in this section for the past several weeks. My dad claimed that Ezekiel Elliott is the most-hated player in the NFL because “he’s disgusting” and that everyone hates Andy Reid because “he looks like a pig.” My dad then took it to another level when he, pretending to be Baker Mayfield, yelled, “put my dick in your mouth” when Mayfield’s girlfriend asked for a straw for her lemonade in one of those commercials.
My dad had another great moment recently. I was watching Thursday Night Football with him, as usual, when this commercial aired:
When the chef guy was featured, my dad tilted his head as if he were trying to recognize him. He then asked:
“Who is that? A former football player?”
I explained to him that this guy was Chef Ramsey Gordon, a chef on a TV show who yells at people. At least, that’s what I think he is. Forgive me for not completely knowing. I know the most famous one of those, Chef Boyardee, but I’m not quite familiar with Chef Gordon’s cooking. And why would I be, when Chef Boyardee makes such a great product? I imagine Chef Gordon wishes that he were as good as Chef Boyardee one day, but that, sadly, is unlikely to happen.
My advice to Chef Gordon is to attempt to make a better version of Spaghetti O’s. I don’t think it’s possible, and I don’t even know if Chef Gordon knows how to even make Spaghetti O’s, but I suppose anything is possible.
Random NFL Notes: Week 11:
1. There’s been talk about which NFL coach would be fired next, and it seems as though the consensus is Dan Quinn. I would agree with that, though I’m not with the consensus that it’ll happen before the season is complete.
I saw that some people were shocked that Quinn wasn’t fired during the bye week, but I was confused about why that would happen so soon. What’s the point in firing Quinn now? He took the Falcons to a Super Bowl and had other successful seasons. His team has been ravaged by injuries over the past couple of seasons, so it’s not entirely his fault that Atlanta has regressed. I’m all for finding a better solution, but that’s not going to occur now. It’ll happen at the end of the year when good coaches will be available for hire, so there’s really no benefit in canning him now.
I’m glad owner Arthur Blank is allowing Quinn to play out the season. It shows respect to a man who has brought success to his franchise, and Quinn deserves to finish the year out with dignity.
2. Staying in the NFC South, I’ve been asked where I see Teddy Bridgewater playing next year. My favorite destination for him is Chicago. The Bears desperately need to upgrade Mitchell Trubisky, but they don’t have a first-round pick as a result of the Khalil Mack trade (I guess that deal wasn’t so lopsided after all.) Thus, they’ll have to pursue a veteran and perhaps use a second-day selection on a long-term solution.
Plenty of teams need quarterbacks, but Bridgewater stands out to me because he torched Chicago in a blowout victory earlier in the year. The Bears may have been overly impressed with this performance and thus could be more likely to pursue the current Saint backup.
With that in mind, I wouldn’t be very bullish about Bridgewater’s outlook in Chicago. I wouldn’t hate the fit or anything, but it needs to be noted that Bridgewater won’t be arriving with Sean Payton. He’s been coached up greatly by Payton in New Orleans, so it’s reasonable to expect that he won’t perform as well without the future Hall of Fame coach getting the most out of him.
3. I’ve mentioned my dad here the past few entries. Four weeks ago, my dad gave his thoughts on who happens to be the most-hated player in football right now:
Dad: Ezekiel Elliott is the most hated guy in football right now!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he’s disgusting!
The following week, my dad offered a hot take on Andy Reid during the Chiefs-Broncos game.
Dad: I hate Andy Reid. Everyone hates Andy Reid!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he looks like a pig.
My dad has now offered his opinions on football-related commercials, namely this one, where Baker Mayfield retrieves lemonade for his girlfriend:
As soon as she asked, “Straw?” my dad got very tilted:
“Oh, you want a straw? How about you put my dick in your mouth!?”
So, I mentioned this last week. I watch Thursday Night Football with my dad at my parents’ house. When I arrived, my mom chided me: “Walt, how could you write that!? You made your father look bad!”
Whoops. Should I not have written that? My mom brought it up to my dad when he got home from work. Rather than being upset, he beamed.
“GOOD!” he exclaimed. “Did anyone react to my comment!? Please tell me someone said something about it!”
Does anyone have any thoughts on my dad’s reaction to the Mayfield commercial? He wants feedback!
Random NFL Notes: Week 10:
1. Last week, I wrote about how I thought the NFL should fine the Cardinals $500,000 for the stunt they pulled with David Johnson. That hasn’t happened yet, but something similar has transpired with another team.
The NFL fined the Steelers $100,000 for circumventing the injury report regarding Ben Roethlisberger’s status in Week 2. I tweeted in response: “That’s not enough.”
It’s really not. A hundred grand is not enough of a dent for an NFL team to care. The Steelers and other organizations will continue to lie per the injury report in an attempt to gain an advantage. An advantage, by the way, that resulted in a home loss to the Seahawks. Nice going, Tomlin.
The Steelers’ plan to lie about Roethlisberger’s injury cost lots of people money, including me, as I played him in plenty of DraftKings lineups. Tens of thousands of other people did as well.
How about this? The NFL should offer to refund anyone their DraftKings entries if people can prove they played Roethlisberger in Week 2. The NFL then can make the Steelers pay for it. DraftKings is an official sponsor of the NFL, so it would be in the league’s best interest to make sure people don’t lose money because of teams circumventing the injury report.
2. Speaking of DraftKings, it would be my dream if it would remove defenses from lineup construction. Defense is fine for showdown slates – as are kickers – but I don’t see why we have to pick defenses for the regular slates.
Defenses are way too fluky. In a game that is already super random in regard to which players score touchdowns and which way the ball bounces on fumbles, we don’t need more randomness. And that’s all defenses are. It’s all about which defense scores a touchdown, which is highly unpredictable.
In fact, it’s so random that when I construct my DraftKings lineups, I have Fantasy Cruncher randomly select a defense with a 20-percent exposure cap. I want to make sure I have as much exposure to as many defenses as possible without being dedicated to one defense, since it’s solely about which unit gets a defensive touchdown.
I don’t see the harm in getting rid of the defensive spot in favor of a second flex. I think it’ll make everything more fun and reduce the variance that is so very frustrating.
3. I’ve mentioned my dad here the past few entries. Three weeks ago, my dad gave his thoughts on who happens to be the most-hated player in football right now:
Dad: Ezekiel Elliott is the most hated guy in football right now!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he’s disgusting!
The following week, my dad offered a hot take on Andy Reid during the Chiefs-Broncos game.
Dad: I hate Andy Reid. Everyone hates Andy Reid!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he looks like a pig.
My dad has now offered his opinions on football-related commercials, namely this one, where Baker Mayfield retrieves lemonade for his girlfriend:
As soon as she asked, “Straw?” my dad got very tilted:
“Oh, you want a straw? How about you put my dick in your mouth!?”
Random NFL Notes: Week 9:
1. The NFL should fine the Cardinals for the stunt they pulled with David Johnson in Week 7. They announced that Johnson would start versus the Giants, but played him just three snaps because, as head coach Kliff Kingsbury put it, Johnson would be used in “emergency situations.”
This is absolute bulls**t, as it hurt many fantasy players. Imagine if you paid $3,000 to enter the DraftKings millionaire contest and used Johnson as one of your running backs. I thought about entering the night before and putting Johnson into my lineup. But that’s just one entry. Can you imagine someone using Johnson in six entries? They’d be out $18,000 because of what Arizona did!
Some, particularly those in the NFL, will just roll their eyes at this notion. Who cares about fantasy!? NFL teams don’t care about fantasy!
Well, they should care. NFL players need to be thankful for fantasy because that’s what pays their bills. Do you think nearly as many people would be watching NFL games if fantasy football didn’t exist? Of course not! The NFL wouldn’t be nearly as popular without fantasy (or betting.) If it weren’t for those two aspects, no one would have watched a game between the Cardinals and Giants.
The NFL needs to do a better job of catering to fantasy football players and NFL bettors because those are the league’s primary customers. What’s that saying? The customer is always right? Maybe the NFL should stop dicking over its customers.
So, here’s what the NFL should do: It needs to fine the Cardinals $500,000 for this first offense of circumventing the injury report. The next offense is a docked sixth-round draft choice. The third offense is a forfeited third-round draft selection. And there won’t be a fourth offense because that’s a lost first-round draft pick.
2. Last week, I voiced my displeasure about NFL announcers saying stuff like “He scored from seven yards out.” NFL announcers apparently don’t understand that you shouldn’t end sentences with a preposition. Hey, NFL announcers, where is your grammar at!?
Apparently, “seven yards out” wasn’t bad enough. Rotoworld took it one step further:
The hell!? Carson Wentz scored from three YEARS out!? How in the world did he do that!? Forget the grammar; scoring from three years out is very impressive!
3. My dad won’t be an NFL announcer anytime soon. I’ve discussed my dad’s comments from watching Thursday Night Football with him. Two weeks ago, my dad gave his thoughts on who happens to be the most-hated player in football right now:
Dad: Ezekiel Elliott is the most hated guy in football right now!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he’s disgusting!
The following week, my dad offered a hot take on Andy Reid during the Chiefs-Broncos game.
Dad: I hate Andy Reid. Everyone hates Andy Reid!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he looks like a pig.
During the Vikings-Redskins game, my dad constantly voiced his displeasure for Kirk Cousins and his tendency to take lots of unneeded sacks.
“F**king Kirk Cousins, he never throws the ball!” my dad constantly yelled (he bet the Vikings.)
It got so bad that my dad said the following about Cousins, and I don’t know what to make of it:
“Kirk Cousins pushed the guy with his fist in his a**!”
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I guess? I have no idea.
Random NFL Notes: Week 8:
1. Much was made of the horrible calls at the end of the Packers-Lions game last Monday night, and rightfully so. There were three horrible calls that all went against the Lions.
Was it a coincidence that this happened? Most might think so, and I did too – until I saw this:
To be clear, this is not verified, and eeven if it’s real, it doesn’t mean that Clete Blakeman is crooked. However, it is very suspicious, and I’ve been saying Blakeman is corrupt for years!
From my 2013 awards page:
This year’s award goes to NFL official Clete Blakeman, who picked up an obvious pass interference flag on Panthers’ linebacker Luke Kuechly, offered no explanation for doing so and ran into the locker room, allowing Carolina to cover the spread. This spawned the “Clete Blakeman Rule,” which is to refrain from betting on the final game of the day/week if there’s an enormous amount of public money on one side. Blakeman is a crooked ref. He’s not the only one; just the most obvio
If you’re rolling your eyes because you’re convinced that this is nonsensical conspiracy theory talk, let me remind you that an NBA ref, Tim Donaghy, was convicted of point shaving. If it can happen in the NBA, it can certanly occur in the NFL.
Regardless, the NFL must fire Blakeman immediately. There’s been enough speculation over the years to indicate that he is actually corrupt, so the NFL would protect itself by getting rid of this guy, who happens to be a horrible official in the first place.
2. Now, it’s time to get to a pet peeve of mine. This is something that NFL TV announcers have been saying for years, but it seems to be done with more frequency lately, for some reason. It’s this:
“He scored from X yards out.”
I swear, half the announcers say this, and it aggravates the hell out of me. Whatever happened to the rule, “Don’t end your sentences with prepositions?” It’s OK to do it sometimes, but “He scored from X yards out” is just as grammatically flawed as “Where you at?”
Why even have the “out?” Saying “he scored from X yards” is fine. Even better, “He scored an X-yard touchdown.”
People, I know many of you out there must be as frustrated by this as I am. Please, for the love of God, tweet at these announcers whenever they say “he scored from X yards out” so I can stop losing my mind.
3. Last week, I asked, who is the most hated player in football right now? My dad, unprompted, voiced his opinion when I watched a Thursday night game with him:
Dad: Ezekiel Elliott is the most hated guy in football right now!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he’s disgusting!
This week, my dad offered a hot take on Andy Reid during the Chiefs-Broncos game.
Dad: I hate Andy Reid. Everyone hates Andy Reid!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he looks like a pig.
There you have it. Everyone hates Reid, and it’s not because of his poor time management. It’s because he looks like a pig.
Random NFL Notes: Week 7:
1. I’d like to kick things off by promoting my book! It’s available on Amazon, and it’s called A Safety and a Field Goal.
Take a look:
You can buy it here.
2. I’d like to once again rant about the 9:30 a.m. London starts. Words can’t properly describe how stupid they are, but I’ll try my best.
It’s so ridiculous that the NFL is jeopardizing losing its fans with these horrible games. I can’t imagine how terrible it must be for fantasy players on the West Coast. Imagine if you’re a fantasy player in San Francisco. Somehow you’ve avoided stepping on needles and disease-ridden feces in your second-world city and have been able to play fantasy this year without getting bitten by homeless people. However, let’s say you own someone from the 9:30 a.m. game, and they happen to be a game-time decision. That means you have to wake up at 6:20 in the morning to set your fantasy lineup. Who wants to wake up before the sun rises to set a fantasy lineup? It might be hard to do that, so let’s say you oversleep. Now, the player you had in your lineup is giving you a big, fat zero because he was ruled out prior to kickoff.
I don’t know about you, but that would frustrate the hell out of me. If I were a fringe fantasy player, I’d think about quitting entirely. If so, I’d be much less likely to watch football games going forward.
I imagine this has happened to some people already. In fact, I know it has! My friend John, who doesn’t even live on the West Coast, forgot that there was a Sunday morning game and didn’t take Jameis Winston out of his lineup to avoid the bad matchup. This sort of sentiment will continue to fester going forward as long as Roger Goodell keeps scheduling these nonsensical early-morning London games.
This absolutely needs to change. I feel like the NFL is being myopic in this scenario. They see the dollar signs coming in from having a very early game, but they’re not thinking about the harmful long-term ramifications this scheme has.
I’m all for London games, but why can’t they all just start at 1 p.m. Eastern? We don’t need 9:30 a.m. games!
3. Who is the most hated player in football right now? I’m not quite sure, but my dad, unprompted, voiced his opinion when I watched the Thursday night game with him:
Dad: Ezekiel Elliott is the most hated guy in football right now!
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he’s disgusting!
There it is. You heard it here first. Everyone hates Elliott because he’s disgusting.
Random NFL Notes: Week 6:
1. The NFL caught tons of flak for airing just two games in the 4 p.m. window last week. From afar, it was a stupid decision. Why broadcast just two games? What if both are blowouts (which turned out to be the case?) If the NFL had all the say in this, it should be criticized.
However, from I’m hearing, this was a FOX decision. I can’t exactly say why, but FOX requested this for ratings purposes. It wanted Packers-Cowboys to have enormous ratings to sell as much advertising as possible.
If you think about it, it makes sense that the NFL wouldn’t do this. It’s not in the league’s best interest to have an obvious gaffe like this, so this was FOX’s doing.
2. This doesn’t completely have to do with football, but there is a connection, so I wanted to discuss it in this spot. Going into Sunday, I hadn’t been able to win an NFL showdown slate on DraftKings to save my life. I was within four points of the victory in last week’s Seahawks-Rams game, but a ridiculous 1,178 people tied for the win. It’s common to see some people tie for the victory, but never anything like 1,178 people. That was ridiculous.
I’m mentioning my ineptitude when it comes to NFL Showdown slates because I played my first-ever NHL Showdown last Friday when the Blackhawks battled the Flyers. I entered in six lineups. Here’s how one of them did:
First place on my first try. Unreal.
What’s crazy is that I barely know who these guys are. I was just playing because I’m a degenerate. I showed my dad this lineup, and he was critical of it.
“You shouldn’t have played those two guys,” my dad said.
I don’t even remember who he was talking about, but I tried to argue that I won $1,000 by finishing in first, but he wouldn’t have it. My lineup was just not good enough!
3. I mentioned I hadn’t won a Showdown slate going into Sunday because I actually won on Sunday! I split the top prize with one other guy in the Falcons-Texans Showdown:
Thank you, Will Fuller! I wrote on Facebook that I was going to buy a Fuller jersey. I went to NFLShop.com that night and was appalled to see that NFL jerseys for adult men are $100!
I’m sorry, but that’s absolutely ridiculous. I eventually found a deal on Lids.com for $75, but that’s still too much. I think $40-$50 is the correct price for a jersey, but $100 is just absurd. The NFL really needs to do something about this because most people who don’t luck into winning DraftKings Showdown slates can’t afford to buy them.
Random NFL Notes: Week 5:
1. E-mailer Joe B. sent me the following message:
I’m at a National conference for work held this year in Jacksonville. Representatives from almost every state are here for this. They began the conference with someone from the Florida office giving a little history and general “interesting facts” about Jacksonville. This woman actually said this: “The stadium where the Jacksonville Jaguars play has a swimming pool where fans can swim during games.” It was all I could do to not stand up and shout “what fans?” I’m not kidding. Not only did she admit the pool exists, but she actually seemed proud of it for some reason. I’m shocked she didn’t also add something like “our quarterback has a mustache and wears jorts!”
I would have agreed with Joe B. in the past, but then I saw this:
Man, if I weren’t married, I’d book a flight and buy a ticket to the next Jaguars game. I don’t care if the Jaguars pay these women to be there; it still seems like a great time!
2. Someone who’s having the opposite of a good time is Cordy Glenn, Cincinnati’s left tackle. Glenn hasn’t been able to play at all this year because of a concussion.
This sucks for Glenn, but someone on Twitter isn’t buying that Glenn is dealing with a head injury:
Kinda absurd indeed. Absurd to make up baseless facts, that is. There have been plenty of players to miss three-plus games due to a concussion. Jordan Reed is an example of that this year alone!
Nati_Sports says Glenn should retire from football. I propose Nati_Sports should retire from tweeting.
3. Speaking of a**hole tweeters, O.J. Simpson is a riot on that platform. I don’t know if you saw what he said about Antonio Brown, but here it is:
As the @AB84 world turns!!! pic.twitter.com/faElHSG2tG
— O.J. Simpson (@TheRealOJ32) September 11, 2019
It’s amazing that we live in a world where O.J. Simpson discusses Brown’s rape allegations on a national platform. Amazing.
At any rate, Simpson might be an a**hole, but he’s funny as hell on Twitter, if only for the reactions he gets from everyone. Just look at the responses. I could read these all day.
By the way, what sort of league is Simpson in that he just “picked up” Tyrell Williams? Is he in a six-team league, or something?
Random NFL Notes: Week 4:
1. My dad cashed his first ever DraftKings lineup this past Thursday night during the Jaguars-Titans game. It was an entertaining series of events, so I’d like to share the story with you.
I watch Thursday Night Football with my dad, so I was at my parents’ house. My dad had his laptop open and was selecting his DraftKings lineup. He was scrolling through names and asked me an odd question.
Dad: What do you think of this Hampshire guy?
Me: Who?
Dad: Hampshire.
Me: Who’s Hampshire?
Dad: Hampshire! The guy playing tonight!
Me: Dad, I’ve watched every game twice and each preseason game, and I’ve never heard of a player named Hampshire.
Dad: It says it right here. Hampshire.
Me: Let me look.
I got up and hovered over my dad. I saw the name he was highlighting.
Me: That’s Humphries.
Dad: That’s what I said!
Me: You said Hampshire!
Dad: No, I said Humphries!
My dad put Adam Humphries into one of his lineups. He was following his standing the entire night. He needed to be in the top 1,300 to cash. He was hovering around 3,000 for most of the evening, but Leonard Fournette’s long run and some Marcus Mariota throws put him at 1,500ish with two seconds remaining.
Dad: That’s it, I lost!
Me: There are two seconds left.
Dad: That’s not enough time!
On the final play of the game, Mariota connected on a 20-yard pass to Humphries. My dad’s team shot up to 1,086th! All because of Hampshire, I mean Humphries.
2. As for year-long fantasy, e-mailer Scott S. sent me a lineup belonging to someone in his fantasy league. Take a look:
To summarize, Gwen here decided that starting Mitchell Trubisky over Russell Wilson was the correct decision. She’s carrying two defenses AND two kickers. She also owns Mike Davis and Anthony Miller. Unless this league awards points for owing mediocre Bears players, I can’t say I agree with her strategy.
This is a poor fantasy player, and yet she’s not nearly as horrible as Bo-Bo used to be. Bo-Bo was someone I used to make fun of a decade ago. He was the worst fantasy player in the history of humanity. In fact, he was so horrible that he was forced into retirement.
3. I’ve been clamoring for ESPN to bring back NFL Primetime since they canceled the show in 2006. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were a terrific duo, giving us the best football highlight show on TV. The best part of it was the awesome music they played in the background while the highlights were on.
I was thrilled about the announced return of NFL Primetime until I learned this was on ESPN+. What the hell is ESPN+? I have ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU and ESPN News. Where the hell is ESPN+ on my cable network? I called Comcast to complain, and they didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. I told them that I needed to record NFL Primetime on ESPN+ on my VCR, so I could archive the tapes like I used to do, yet they didn’t seem to know that ESPN+ was a channel. This was f***ing bulls**t!
I was going to lose my mind until I remembered something – YouTube is a thing! Perhaps someone uploaded this on YouTube, and that was, indeed, the case:
Granted, I can’t record this on my VCR, but I can at least watch it! F**k you for not carrying ESPN+, Comcast!
Random NFL Notes: Week 3:
1. What if I told you that we live in a world where people believe the Dolphins aren’t tanking? Sounds crazy, but it’s true. A former NFL player, safety Bernard Pollard, ranted about why he doesn’t believe Miami is tanking:
I think Pollard was hit in the head too many times throughout his career. The Dolphins have effectively made their tanking intentions known by trading away some talented players for draft picks, and then granting other players permissions to seek deals. The players, knowing this, put zero effort into their games. And if that’s not enough to convince you, their former head coach literally said that the Dolphins are trying to tank!
And what’s so wrong with tanking, anyway? The Spurs tanked one year in the 90s when David Robinson got hurt, and they landed Tim Duncan. The 76ers tanked for a few seasons, and now they’re arguably the best team in the Eastern Conference. Tanking is a great strategy, and I imagine the Dolphins, assuming they don’t draft poorly, will be in contention once Tom Brady retires.
2. I wrote my Week 2 NFL notes prior to the Monday night double-header, so I didn’t get to touch on the halftime show ESPN graced us with during the Texans-Saints and Broncos-Raiders games.
Both halftime shows featured a white rapper named, well, I forget the name. I think it was GE. I’m not sure if this stood for General Electric or not.
I wouldn’t constitute General Electric’s rapping as “music.” He was basically just talking the whole time. It was horrible. Like, I could just read what I wrote in these past few paragraphs with a beat in the background, and that would be just as musical as General Electric’s halftime show.
Uhh, I wrote my Week 2 NFL notes prior to the Monday night double-header, y’all. Uhh. So I didn’t get to touch on the halftime show ESPN graced us with during the Texans-Saints and Broncos-Raiders games, y’all. Uhh.
See? I can make music, just like General Electric. Maybe ESPN will have me on at halftime during one of these weeks.
Regardless of whether or not you liked General Electric’s “music,” I don’t understand why ESPN thinks the football fans wants music during pre-game and halftime shows. Football fans want football analysis. I know that sounds crazy, but people tuning into football want to hear about football. Wow, yeah, that just blew my mind writing it.
3. Speaking of ESPN, it got lots of flak for its first-down marker graphic on the bottom of the screen. Everyone was confused, as it looked like the “flag” notification that appears whenever there’s a penalty.
I don’t know why ESPN can’t figure out its graphics. I discussed this in my college football notes last week that the ESPN college football graphic is extremely confusing:
Is it second-and-11 or third-and-10? Is it the second quarter with 11 seconds on the playclock, or the third quarter with 10 seconds on the playclock? Unless you immediately notice the ampersand, you have no way of knowing.
I’ll give ESPN credit though: For once, it listened to its audience and changed something wrong. It adjusted the graphic color, which was a huge help for those of us who thought there was a flag on every play.
Random NFL Notes: Week 2:
1. I was talking to my friend Body Burner about the stupid, generic write-ups that fantasy football sites give your teams after you draft. Body Burner was frustrated because Yahoo! gave him a “C” because, as they put it, “You filled your flex position before you picked your third wide receiver and tight end.”
That, however, was child’s play based on what NFL.com said about my draft. I have to show you this as proof; otherwise, you wouldn’t believe me:
I’m projected to go 0-14! Wow!
Hilariously, I won in Week 1, so NFL.com is already wrong.
I wondered why NFL.com graded my team so poorly, and I came to realize that it was because I didn’t draft a defense or a kicker. Thus, I got zero projected points from those positions in every simulated matchup.
It would be nice if these sites had smarter models for their write-ups, but I guess they just match the type of analysis that you often see on TV.
2. Speaking of fantasy defenses, check out what I did with mine in all six leagues I’m in:
I either drafted the Packers in the penultimate round of my draft, or picked them up after not selecting a defense entirely.
The next time you’re thinking about spending a pick outside of the final two rounds on a defense, remember this. Using an earlier selection on a defense is a horrible strategy because you’re limiting your upside.
3. A word on Philly sports talk radio, since I live here and listen to it sometimes. We have lots of great sports-talk radio personalities in this city, but some of it is just putrid. For example, take a look at what one Philly sports-talk radio guy said the Sunday after final cuts:
“Howie Roseman is overrated. He spent a fifth-round pick on Clayton Thorson!”
Unreal. That might just be the dumbest hot take ever. Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith would even be embarrassed by what he said.
All Roseman did was build one of the most talented rosters in the NFL, thanks to great draft picks, sharp free agency signings and cunning trades. But no, let’s focus on one fifth-round draft pick despite the fact that most fifth-round selections fail!
Random NFL Notes: Week 1:
1. Football is back, and I’m excited. Some people aren’t, however. I’d like to point you to this tweet from the Athletic. Check it out, and look at the responses.
I can’t believe there are so many people who are disgusted with football. What’s most surprising is that there are a variety of reasons why. It seems as though some people are upset about Colin Kaepernick kneeling, while others don’t like that Kaepernick was apparently blackballed by the NFL. Some have complained about Jay-Z’s bizarre involvement, which I still don’t understand, by the way. Jay-Z’s rap lyrics have never been on beat with the rhythm of his songs, so I was hoping he’d figure that out before doing anything with professional football.
Nevertheless, it sucks that there are so many people out there who don’t like football now. I’d normally make fun of these losers, but there seems to be a growing resentment for a multitude of reasons. It’s scary, but I hope the NFL figures out how to avoid more PR disasters that alienate more fans from the game.
2. Football is not back for everyone, unfortunately. I’m referring to Andrew Luck, who announced his retirement.
It sucks that Luck had to give up football. It looked like he turned the corner, health-wise, last year, and so I liked the Colts to win the Super Bowl. Luck’s retirement obviously changes that.
Much was made about the fan reaction to Luck. Some Colts fans booed Luck, and this was widely panned by the media. Countless NFL players, both current and past, came out to defend Luck. They criticized the angry fans by reminding them that Luck is a human being, and that it wasn’t nice to react negatively to his retirement.
While I can understand why Luck is retiring, I also disagree with these players bashing the fans. I don’t like to criticize people for emotional reactions in the heat of the moment. The fans who booed him were likely season-ticket holders who paid lots of money to see their team play. They were pissed that Luck opted to retire, ruining Indianapolis’ Super Bowl aspirations in 2019 so close to the season. They got mad without having time to think about the bigger picture. It was a natural response.
I’m sure some of the Colts fans who did this may regret it now. Some might still be angry. But I don’t see why they should be criticized for reacting emotionally. It was their gut instinct to boo, and I’m sure if the players who defended Luck were ordinary people who saved up for expensive Colts tickets, they would have reacted similarly.
3. On a lighter note, Emmitt Smith was on TV! Emmitt made a guest appearance as the Cowboys’ color analyst in the preseason finale. I was worried that Emmitt improved his grammar, but I was not disappointed from what I heard. I wrote down every gaffe Emmitt made. Here were the best of the best:
“When you watch mediocrisy, it is very disappointing.”
“You have to have the mindset that we’re back to square zero!”
“The linebacker get caught up inside. He did not do what Rob Melonelli been teaching these guys.”
The best part about the latter quote was when Emmitt stumbled through “Rob Melonelli,” Michael Irvin, who was also on the broadcast, quickly corrected him by just saying, “Rod,” completely ignoring the “Melonelli” part.
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