2024 NFL Picks – Week 19: Vikings at Rams

The Matchup. Edge: None.

This week on ESPN, we’re going to have awful announcers calling the shots instead the great preseason homers like Kevin Reilly, Ron Wolfley and Don Tollefson, inept ESPN guys Emmitt, Herman Edwards, and aloof people like Jay Cutler. Here’s what it would sound like if some of these dudes (and some special guests) were calling this game:

Reilly: Welcome to the city of Lost Angeles, the city of Hollywood pedophiles! In tonight’s game, the Minnesota Twins take on the LA Raiders. Guys, Mother warned me that if I come out to Lost Angeles, the Hollywood pedophiles will try to get a hold of me and make me do unspeakable things to them. I’m not even sure what she meant by that. My best guess is say bad things about my Philadelphia Eagles and wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey. Eww! Guys, what do you think? Are you just as scared of the Hollywood pedophiles as I am?

Emmitt: Thanks, Rubicante. I very scared of the pedophiles. Especially if he anything like the movie I use to watch each week call the X-Files. The Pedo-Files sound like he even more scarier than the show, which was about two guy named Mauler and Sculdman who investigate alien, monster, and alien who try to take over our planet and only he able to stop themself.

Reilly: Emmitt, that sounds like a real scary show. Mother said that at the blossoming age of 73, I am way too young to watch scary stuff like X-Files. Although Mauler and Sculdman sound like cool superheroes. Tolly, did your mother let you watch scary shows when you were a kid?

Tollefson: Reilly, I had no time for scary shows. I was watching porn at the age of four. People say that porn can be damaging to a child’s psyche, but I turned out to be a perfectly fine gentleman. I even let some of my female slaves watch porn with me if they’re obedient!

Reilly: Tolly, that’s very nice of you. I think if I had female slaves, I’d let them watch my Philadelphia Eagles with me unless they talked, and then I’d have to slap them. Speaking of talking women, Charissa Thompson is with another foreign leader tonight! Foreign leaders are constantly joining Charissa to argue for their country hosting international games after Roger Goodell stated that he wants to double the number of international games. Charissa, take it away!

Charissa Thompson: Thanks, Mike. According to our studio playoff expert, the Carolina Panthers and New York Giants both have a 93.09 percent chance of making the playoffs, and believe me, I’ve double checked his math because I take my job very seriously. We’re now joined by another world leader. This is a weak-looking man who looks upset.

Justin Trudeau: Hello, it saddens me that I had to step down as Prime Minister of Canada because Donald Trump threatened me and caused me to pee my pants. I am announcing that I am starting my own country, and I’m calling it Trudeau Land. I have several laws for Trudeau Land. First, no meanies like Donald Trump are allowed to enter the country and scare the dear leader into peeing his pants. Second, all citizens must refrain from using any offensive language against minorities and LGBTQ++&X6@$^ individuals. If they want to berate white people and Christians, that is permitted, but nothing else will be tolerated.

Charissa Thompson: This all sounds pretty gay, Jason.

Justin Trudeau: THIS. THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. I SWEAR I AM NOT GAY. THIRD LAW, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME GAY ANYMORE. THOSE WHO VIOLATE MY LAWS WILL BE PUT ON TRIAL WHERE I WILL EXECUTE THEM IF I DEEM THEM TO BE GUILTY, WHICH THEY WILL BE, I PROMISE! Now, where do I go about having football games in my country?

Reilly: Justin, I can understand why you hate being called gay. Some people call me that because of my impressive Nick Foles bobblehead collection, but then they shut up when I tell them that Nick Foles is the best quarterback ever, and that I’m also the head honcho when broadcasting football.

Kamala Harris: First, let me say this: I grew up in a middle-class family. I have been unburdened by what has been. I even fell off the coconut tree, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Come on, Kevin Reilly, it’s time for us to have sex together so I can ride you to the top, you head honcho!

Joy Taylor: Did someone say head honcho!? Sounds like a job for Joy Taylor! Where is this head honcho, and how can I sleep with him to improve my standing in this company?

Donald Trump: Excuse me, excuse me, I thought Kamala was the only lady of the night in this booth, but I was wrong, it doesn’t happen often, in fact it rarely happens that everyone is surprised when I’m wrong because it never happens, because Trump is always right about everything, but there are exceptions to every rule, including the one that says Trump is always right, because Trump was wrong this time, I can’t believe it, but it’s true, Trump was wrong about there being one lady of the night in the booth, because there are two, including this beauty, Joy Taylor, who brings no joy to anyone, only misery, which is why Trump made the nickname for her Misery Taylor, which is a great nickname, and hardly a surprise because Trump comes up with the best nicknames, and Misery Taylor might be the best one of them all, especially because she’s a lady of the night, and unlike Kamala, she has some pretty big assets, not the biggest assets Trump has seen, because, well, Melania has the best assets, and only Trump has access to the best assets, but Kamala has the worst assets, she’s not even a lady of the night, she’s a lady of the dusk.

Wolfley: DONALD, I WOULD NOT BE QUICK TO CRITICIZE LADIES OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE MY TWIN SISTER, A STATUE WITH SILLY STRINGS FOR ARMS AND PHONE BOOTHS FOR FEET IS A LADY OF THE NIGHT. IN FACT, SHE WAS VOTED TOP LADY OF THE NIGHT ON MY HOME PLANET.

Reilly: Shut up, guys! New Daddy, all of these women are trying to have sex with me, but it’s all a trap to get me to get rid of my Nick Foles bobblehead collection, right!? Why else would all of these women want to have sex with me!?

Jay Cutler: I have no idea.

Reilly: Thank you, New Daddy, I really appreciate you saying that. No one knows why these women want to have sex with me!

Charles Davis: Kevin, sounds like you’re talking about why women want to have sex with men, Kevin. Let’s begin with money, Kevin. Women love money, Kevin. Now, let’s discuss power, Kevin. Some women like Joy Taylor and Kamala love power, Kevin. Then, there’s attraction, Kevin. That’s clearly not you, Kevin, so let’s-.

Reilly: F**K YOU, CHARLES DAVIS, WOMEN THINK I AM HANDSOME, EVEN MOTHER SAID SO, AND YOU ARE STUPID AND FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON, WHICH IS NICK FOLES BOBBLEHEAD COLLECTIONS, HA! We’ll be back after this!

LOS ANGELES OFFENSE: The Rams are a bizarre team. They score either 40 or 10 points, with almost nothing in between. It can be incredibly frustrating when handicapping their games, especially when laying 6.5 with them against Arizona, only to watch them muster 13 points.

The poor showing against the Cardinals was the result of Rob Havenstein’s injury. You wouldn’t think that one missing right tackle would influence the offensive output so much, but that’s exactly what transpired. Matthew Stafford was pressured very heavily from the right side all evening, resulting in stalled drives.

It seems reasonable to expect Havenstein to return, given that he’s had an extra week of rest following the Arizona game. We won’t have a good idea about this until Thursday when the initial injury report is released, but if Havenstein plays, the Rams project very well against Minnesota’s defense. The Vikings are stellar against the run, but have struggled against the pass, especially when their blitzes don’t work. The Vikings blitz at the highest rate in the NFL, but Matthew Stafford is excellent against the blitz. He has eight touchdowns and two interceptions when blitzed this year, and his completion percentage actually rises when defenses send extra pass rushers.

MINNESOTA OFFENSE: Speaking of pressure, Sam Darnold is known to be rattled when things break down in the pocket. He infamously said he was seeing ghosts one Monday night, after all. Any opposing defense that can bring heat will give Darnold some major issues.

Darnold had major issues against the Rams in the first matchup. His stats look fine, but he compiled some of his numbers in garbage time. He lost Christian Darrisaw in that game, which allowed the Rams to flood the pocket with their young, talented pass rushers. The Rams since added Cam Robinson, but I don’t think he’s going to make a huge difference.

The Rams have some flaws in their secondary that can be exploited, so it’s not like the Vikings will be completely shut out, or anything. However, I wouldn’t expect an explosive offensive performance that we’ve seen from them in some games this year.

RECAP: Darnold can’t be thrilled that the Rams ended up with the No. 4 seed instead of the Buccaneers. Darnold had a brutal experience taking on the Rams earlier this season. He lost 30-20, as his pass protection did not hold up very well at all. As discussed earlier, Darnold is a completely different quarterback when rattled in the pocket.

The Rams should be able to bring consistent pressure once again. Meanwhile, their offense should have success moving the ball as long as Rob Havenstein is on the field. The Vikings have a pass-funnel defense, and the Rams have a lethal passing attack as long as the two receivers and all the offensive linemen are healthy.

Besides, there’s nothing that says the Vikings should win by any sort of significant margin anyway. Since the loss of Darrisaw, the Vikings have played against four teams in Group A or B. In those games, they’ve won by two and three, and they’ve lost by 10 and 22.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: I don’t know how the Los Angeles wildfires will affect the Rams, especially given that they’re slated to be at home, unlike the Chargers. Could the two Los Angeles teams be distracted?

The Motivation. Edge: .

No edge found.

The Spread. Edge: None.

Decent action on the Vikings.

Percentage of money on Minnesota: 66% (39,000 bets)

The Trends. Edge: None.

Opening Line: Vikings -2.

Opening Total: 47.

Weather: Dome.

The Vegas. Edge: None.

Decent action on the Vikings.

Percentage of money on Minnesota: 66% (39,000 bets)

The Trends. Edge: None.

Opening Line: Vikings -2.

Opening Total: 47.

Weather: Dome.