2012 NFL Power Rankings

My final preseason 2012 NFL Power Rankings.

I’m going to eventually use these rankings as the order for my 2013 NFL Mock Draft updates. Follow @walterfootball.

I’ve gone from WORST to FIRST, so if you don’t see reverse numbering (via Javascript), don’t worry; the Browns and Dolphins aren’t my top teams.

Updated: 8/29

Cleveland Browns (4-12) – Previously: 28.
The Browns are a disaster. I could go on a long rant, but I’ll allow forum member and Cleveland fan GongKong to do that. Here’s what he wrote upon reading that Charlie Campbell has the Browns No. 1 in his 2013 NFL Mock Draft:

Holmgren is an absolute disatser as a FO executive/de facto Owner

Randall Lerner did no due dilligence in his hires of Crennel, then his boss Savage that imploded, then Mangini and his boss in Kokinis that seriously imploded, then at least he hired the boss first in Holmgren, but then gave him owner level power for no reason at all.

Holmgren, “Bobby, who needs a paycheck?”

Bob LaMonte (Holmgren’s and everyone of his coaching hires agent) *puts two thumbs up and points them at his own chest* “This guy, Mikey, this GUY!”

Way to run a team. Haslam will obviously fire everyone as they are incompetent boobs. Shurmur was a puppet hire and a weak HC candidate. Holmgren is terrible at everything he did as Team President. Literally, I could list 30 major decisions and all of them were wrong.

I am glad (not in the fan sense, but in the right prediction sense) that you have the Browns as the number #1 overall pick in 2013. Its like the easiest prediction ever. A crap QB, a crap HC, a team FO that are all lame ducks, an injured RB, no WRs, no OL, and a shaky defense no matter what homer Browns fans say.

I have predicted that Barkley will refuse to play for Cleveland ala Eli, Elway, and Bo Jackson. To be a Browns fan….

Cleveland Sports Karma will lead to thirty championships in a row in all three sports in like 2150

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m also going to have the Browns selecting Barkley in my 2013 NFL Mock Draft, which will be updated in a few days.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 2-14
Miami Dolphins (6-10) – Previously: 31.
I really have to question Miami’s decision to start Ryan Tannehill. Not only are his top receivers Legedu Naanee and Davone Bess; left tackle Jake Long will be out for a few weeks with a sprained MCL. Tannehill’s too raw to play right now anyway.

Starting Matt Moore would have been the right move. Moore would have sucked so much that anything Tannehill would have accomplished would have been seen as a major upgrade, which would have given him confidence. He could go to sleep thinking, “Well, I went 7-of-24 today for 74 yards and four interceptions, and we lost 49-0, but hey, at least I completed six more passes than Matt Moore did against the Texans!”

2012 NFL Projected Record: 2-14
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11) – Previously: 25.
Some guy named Alfie Crow doesn’t like this Web site. He posted the following on Twitter: “I don’t know why people read Walter Football for analysis. It’s junk, made up crap. Always has been.”

Always has been? Well, the name Alfie Crow seemed familiar to me, so I searched my e-mail archives. I found the following e-mail from one Alfie Crow on Oct. 22, 2009:

Do you even have Tebow graded in the first round after his struggles this season, out of curiosity?

Thanks for the quick reply. Your site’s one of the best for draft info.

Thank you,

Alfie Crow
Zurich Insurance Services, Inc.
Business Processing Assistant

Busted. This prompted a heated, but amusing exchange on Twitter between Mr. Crow and forum member Ragnarok:

Ragnarok: @AlfieBCC Easily one of the better sites out there.

Alfie Crow: @Wipperman Walter Football? Sure, if you like made up information.

Ragnarok: @AlfieBCC Well, if you’re saying everything they post is made up, then you obviously have never looked at the site.

Alfie Crow: @Wipperman “Some people in the organization think Blaine Gabbert is a lemon” – That’s not “speculation”. That’s made up. … I’m pretty positive Walter has zero Jags sources, and he just made it up since he cited no one and stated it as fact

Ragnarok: @AlfieBCC Oh, you’re pretty positive? Sounds to me like you’re the one making things up now based on no facts.

Alfie Crow: @Wipperman Considering I actually have Jag sources, yeah. I’m pretty positive.

Ragnarok: @AlfieBCC So that means no one else could ever have any. Nice assumption there. Still ignores the fact that multiple people have said it.

I’m not sure how a business processing assistant at Zurich Insurance Services has Jaguar sources. I mean, maybe he plays Madden, so he thinks he talks to all of the coaches and players. That’s certainly a possibility. But from someone who actually has sources within the Jacksonville front office, I can assure you that members of that organization are down on Gabbert.

For the tl;dr crowd: Gabbert sucks and no one likes him.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 3-13
St. Louis Rams (2-14) – Previously: 30.
It appears as though Sam Bradford has officially been diagnosed with David Carr Syndrome. How sad.

I’ve always wondered what the symptoms of David Carr Syndrome are. Yes, there’s the cowering in the pocket, but how does this affect everyday life? Do quarterbacks like Carr and Bradford crap their pants when a large man walks toward them in the street? Do they automatically fall to the ground in fear if several men surround them? Do they wake up every night shouting, “NOOOOO PLEASE DON’T HIT ME, JUST PLEASE TAKE THE FOOTBALL AND SCORE A DEFENSIVE TOUCHDOWN!!!”

2012 NFL Projected Record: 3-13
Arizona Cardinals (8-8) – Previously: 22.
The Cardinals can’t block whatsoever. It’s pathetic. The offensive linemen are so bad, it makes you wonder, why do they even have offensive linemen? Why not have five extra receivers on the line of scrimmage and have different ones be eligible on each down? That would totally confuse the defense. Sure, the opposing defensive front would get to Skelekolb almost instantly, but that’s basically what’s happening now anyway.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 4-12
Indianapolis Colts (2-14) – Previously: 27.
Jim Irsay is an a**hole. I can’t believe he tweeted that “major trade wins were swirling,” and then all he did was deal for Vontae Davis. I wonder if he does this in real life…

Jim Irsay: Honey, I have a big surprise!

Mrs. Irsay: What is it?

Jim Irsay: Guess! You’ll never believe it!

Mrs. Irsay: Did you buy another mansion?

Jim Irsay: No, even better!

Mrs. Irsay: A yacht? Did you get me a yacht?

Jim Irsay: No, think bigger!

Mrs. Irsay: Ooohhh, did you buy an island with your billions of dollars?

Jim Irsay: No! Come on!

Mrs. Irsay: I give up. Tell me!

Jim Irsay: I tried a Doritos Locos Taco and it was awesome!

Mrs. Irsay: Ugh. You’re an a**hole.

See? Even his wife agrees.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12) – Previously: 26.
The Buccaneers will be better this year, now that their key players are not fat and out of shape. However, Josh Freeman just doesn’t look right. His decision-making just isn’t very good, and he doesn’t appear to have any chemistry with the overpaid Vincent Jackson.

Speaking of Jackson, I wonder how long it’ll take him to back off the assertion that Freeman is a top-five quarterback in the NFL. What a dumb statement. It reminds me of something Migelini said on GameCenter last year:

heer are my thrower beests. 1 bradey 2 rof lits burgler 3 tarvis 4 teebow 5 not sure what all you theinks.

What if Jackson is Migelini, and signing with Tampa has changed his “thrower beests” order? I’m sure we’ll be seeing a post that looks like this quite soon:

heer are my thrower beests. 1 bradey 2 rof lits burgler 3 tarvis 4 freed mont 5 sandchez what all you theinks.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
New York Jets (8-8) – Previously: 23.
When Tim Tebow threw a pass right to a Carolina defensive reserve, I knew my inbox would be flooded with e-mails like, “I told you teboe sucks lololololololol!”

Umm… no. Tebow wins games. He looks terrible when it doesn’t matter, but he thrives in Tebow Time. Mark Sanchez, on the other hand, melts down and throws interceptions to defensive linemen. Tebow must start for the Jets because he’s their only play-maker. Anyone who disagrees is racist against Tim Tebow.

Update: The Jets have too easy of a schedule to go 4-12, but they still stink.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) – Previously: 19.
I’m really down on the Bengals this year. Andy Dalton struggled down the stretch last season, and that has apparently carries over into the exhibition contests. Dalton has continuously missed an open A.J. Green for deep completions. What’s especially bad about this is that Green appears to be near his breaking point. When Dalton overthrew him in the end zone this past weekend, Green made a frustrated gesture toward Dalton – something often seen out of Terrell Owens and guys of that ilk. I’m not saying that Green is a scumbag like Owens, but it appears as though he’s just about fed up with Dalton’s inadequacies.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 6-10
Minnesota Vikings (3-13) – Previously: 32.
I feel like Viking fans should have protests in the streets, urging the front office and coaching staff to keep Adrian Peterson on the sideline until October. There’s no point in rushing him back. Jerry Rice tried to return early from the same injury and just got hurt again. The all-time greats aren’t immune from re-injuring their ACLs.

And besides, the Vikings don’t even need a banged-up Peterson in September. They can’t win two of three games against Blaine Gabbert, Andrew Luck and Alex Smith? Really?

2012 NFL Projected Record: 6-10
San Diego Chargers (8-8) – Previously: 21.
Everyone seems to love the Chargers. I’ve heard several people anoint them as this year’s sleeper team.

Fools. Is Norv Turner still there? Yes? Does the defense still blow? Yes? Well then, I wonder if they’re going to suck in September, catch fire in November and then have a meltdown game in December again. No, that can’t possibly happen for the 20th year in a row, can it?

2012 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Washington Redskins (5-11) – Previously: 15.
The Redskins should be solid this year, even while Robert Griffin figures things out. I want to discuss the Chris Cooley release though because it’s a disgrace. There was no way Washington would have kept him at a $4 million salary this season. The front office knew that all along. So, why didn’t it cut him sooner? Because Daniel Snyder saved $2 million by waiting until late August; otherwise he would have canned Cooley sooner.

The NFL really should have stepped in and done something about this. Roger Goodell could have said in March, “You can save your $2 million now. Just cut him if you’re going to do it already.” Instead, Cooley’s going to have trouble finding a starting gig because he was released so close to the start of the regular season.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 7-9
Dallas Cowboys (8-8) – Previously: 17.
I’m going to stick with what I wrote in March because I can’t believe that the dumb former NFL players on TV actually think Dallas can win the division: Great in November, crappy in December, coaches do something stupid, Tony Romo struggles in biggest game, Cowboy fans deny Romo struggles in biggest game, blah blah blah…

2012 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Tennessee Titans (9-7) – Previously: 18.
Jake Locker throws the ball like a leering drunk sometimes (Derek Anderson), but starting him was the right decision. Despite what the biased NFL Draft analysts say on TV, Hasselbeck is done. Of course, they disagree, but only because they’re friends with Hasselbeck.

I like Kendall Wright as well. As does Rotoworld. Perhaps a little too much:

Slut duties? Did Roger Goodell change the rules? And more importantly, can I hire someone to handle slut duties around my office?

2012 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Oakland Raiders (8-8) – Previously: 29.
I know Carson Palmer is an interception machine, but I feel like the Raiders are pretty underrated. Everyone’s writing them off, yet they have dynamic offensive play-makers and a defensive front that can get to the quarterback. They have a legitimate shot at the AFC West.

Oh, and I’m glad that Terrelle Pryor performed well despite completing just three passes against the Lions. He was on the field because Matt Leinart was out with a cut on his finger. Seriously. That’s why he didn’t suit up. As my editor said upon hearing this, “That is only acceptable if he’s dating Brandon Marshall’s ex-wife.”

Leinart is not dating Marshall’s ex-wife. He would never cheat on Nick Lachey.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Philadelphia Eagles (8-8) – Previously: 8.
The Eagles will choke and underachieve, as usual. Their current starting quarterback will also miss multiple games, so that won’t help. Maybe Nick Foles will be good.

Speaking of Foles, my dad called me upon seeing the rookie quarterback against the Patriots’ backups. He was very excited: “I’m telling you, Nick Foles will be almost as good as Andrew Luck!”

I found this hilarious because my dad and I had this exchange right after the 2012 NFL Draft:

Dad: Who is this Nick Folds idiot? I wanted Ryan Tannehilly! He’s the next Peyton Manning!

Me: You’ve never even watched either Tannehill or Foles play.

Dad: I don’t care! Anyone is better than that idiot they have now. He raped dogs!

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Buffalo Bills (6-10) – Previously: 11.
I liked the Bills a ton earlier this offseason, but Ryan Fitzpatrick has looked awful this August. Yeah, I know, these are all meaningless games, but Fitzpatrick was much better last preseason. Was last year’s horrific finish really the result of a rib injury, or did teams simply figure out Chan Gailey’s offense? If the latter is true, it’s a shame because the Bills have a really solid roster otherwise.

Having said that, I have the Bills winning 9-10 games this year because they have one of the easiest schedules I’ve ever seen.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Seattle Seahawks (7-9) – Previously: 24.
I was really down on the Seahawks earlier this offseason. I didn’t think Matt Flynn was a very good signing, and I expected some regression out of Marshawn Lynch in the wake of his new contract. But Russell Wilson’s the real deal. He gives Seattle a very good shot at the NFC West, especially with San Francisco due for some regression of its own.

I have to mention Pete Carroll though. He really has to stop lying. It’s getting ridiculous. He appeared on PTI two weeks ago and said how great Terrell Owens was doing, and then went on to cut him about 10 days later. Carroll then said that Owens could still play in this league, which was an obvious ruse to get some other team to sign him, so that he could poison that locker room. Carroll also said he’s happy that his front office paid $10 million for Flynn. Yeah, OK. That’s like buying a house for $300,000 and then realizing that it has rotting floors, a leaky ceiling and broken plumbing. Would you be happy paying for that?

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Denver Broncos (8-8) – Previously: 20.
Peyton Manning apparently can throw more than 10 yards to his right. That’s good news. It’s still questionable if he can make it through a whole season after four neck surgeries, however.

I can’t say anything too bad about Manning though because my girlfriend is a big fan of his. How big? I received this text from her when she met him at Broncos’ training camp: “OH MY F***ING GOD IT’S PEYTON MANNING UEEJENHAIQIDMW”

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Carolina Panthers (6-10) – Previously: 13.
I hate betting against Cam Newton, but there’s a chance that he’ll endure a sophomore slump. His offensive line can’t protect him; Steve Smith is a year older and a year slower; and opposing defenses have had an entire offseason to game plan against him. Having said that, Newton has proven everyone wrong throughout his entire football career, so Carolina could easily go something like 11-5 and advance deep into the playoffs.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
San Francisco 49ers (13-3) – Previously: 14.
The 49ers were really lucky with so many things last year, so they’re due for some major regression. Their schedule dynamics this year are terrible; they’re going to lose at Green Bay and then be on an emotional low against the Lions. They could easily be 0-2 going into Minnesota, which is a very difficult place to play. The Seahawks, meanwhile, are looking pretty good now that they might just have the best quarterback in the division… Not that that’s saying much.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Kansas City Chiefs (7-9) – Previously: 9.
I’ve said this a billion times, but it’s a shame that Matt Cassel is weighing down this football team. They’d be a Super Bowl contender with an above-average quarterback.

Oh, and since I’m discussing the Chiefs, I feel obligated to once again post the creepy Todd Haley gif:

2012 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) – Previously: 7.
I’m moving the Steelers down because they have way too many injuries. What a shame that David DeCastro is going to miss most or all of this season. It sucks for the Steelers and it sucks for me, given that I’m losing out on opportunities to make fun of dumb front offices (Chiefs, Seahawks, etc.) for passing on him.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Atlanta Falcons (10-6) – Previously: 12.
Julio Jones is a monster. It’s a good thing the Falcons made that trade. Would you rather have Jones or the quartet of Phil Taylor, Greg Little, Brandon Weeden and Owen Marecic? Yeah, yeah, I know I thought the Falcons gave up too much at the time. It’s not my fault the Browns keep making crappy draft picks.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 11-5
Chicago Bears (8-8) – Previously: 6.
I liked the Bears a lot more before I learned that Brian Urlacher is still suffering knee problems. Having said that, isn’t it weird that Chicago’s greatest question mark is on defense? The team is mostly set on offense. I never thought I’d say that about the Bears.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Baltimore Ravens (12-4) – Previously: 10.
Maybe the key to becoming a great quarterback in the NFL is to actually believe that you’re the best. Eli Manning said he was elite a year ago, and everyone laughed at him. We all saw what happened with him. Now, Joe Flacco seems to believe he’s the best signal-caller in the league. Could that be the explanation for why he’s played so well in the preseason?

Hmm… you know what? I have an announcement to make: I’M THE BEST QUARTERBACK WHO EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE!!!

Now I just have to wait for an NFL team to sign me.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Detroit Lions (10-6) – Previously: 5.
I’d say the key to the Lions’ season, aside from keeping Calvin Johnson safe from the Madden Curse, is to stop melting down with dumb penalties and mistakes in key moments. However, given how many arrests Detroit has had this offseason, expecting them to be more disciplined seems like way too much to ask.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 11-5
New Orleans Saints (13-3) – Previously: 16.
I have to give Joe Vitt and the other head coaches credit. This Saint team seems sharp despite all of the Bountygate crap it had to endure this offseason. Yeah, I’m just basing it off exhibition contests, but New Orleans looks good. The franchise is pretty fortunate to have someone like Drew Brees at the helm in this scenario. I feel like the team would have fallen apart with even an average quarterback.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 11-5
New England Patriots (13-3) – Previously: 3.
The Patriots can’t seem to protect Tom Brady right now, but I’m sure Bill Belichick will shore things up in the regular season. If I were a New England fan, I wouldn’t be too concerned.

Speaking of Brady, I want to announce that there will be a new, weekly feature on my NFL Picks pages this season called the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts. Brady will have a new (real) haircut each week, and he’ll assume the personality of that haircut. It’s going to be fun.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 13-3
Houston Texans (10-6) – Previously: 4.
One of Bill Simmons’ young and up-and-coming sports writers criticized the Texans’ offseason because they paid Arian Foster a 5-year, $43.5 million contract with $20.75 million guaranteed and consequently let Mario Williams, Mike Brisiel and Eric Winston go. Considering that the Panthers paid more for Jonathan Stewart, I’d say Houston didn’t make a bad decision.

Losing Winston and Brisiel was a bummer, but Gary Kubiak, much like his former boss, Mike Shanahan, believes that he can just plug offensive linemen into his zone-blocking system. Houston will be fine. In fact, the Texans are easily one of the top two teams in the AFC.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 12-4
Green Bay Packers (15-1) – Previously: 2.
I had the Packers and Texans in the Super Bowl in my 2012 NFL Season Preview, but I’m changing my pick in the wake of Desmond Bishop’s season-ending injury. Green Bay could still win it all, but losing a mega talent like Bishop is going to be huge – especially when the defense was shaky to begin with.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 13-3
New York Giants (9-7) – Previously: 1.
My Super Bowl pick? Giants over Texans. I never pick a team to repeat, but the Giants are different because:

1. No one is talking about them. Seriously. Most NFL analysts on TV have them finishing third in the division. They’re not even discussed in their own city because of the Tim Tebow coverage. The Tebow signing is the best possible thing that could have happened to the Giants because it allows Tom Coughlin to play the “no one is giving us any respect” card.

2. It was not a fluke that the Giants caught fire in December and January. They had so many injured players earlier in the year, so it was no coincidence that they started winning once everyone returned to the lineup.

3. My girlfriend is also an Eli Manning fan, and I don’t want to be in the doghouse.

2012 NFL Projected Record: 11-5