2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 4
Week 3 Top Fantasy Performers, Defenses

1. Green Bay Packers (3-0) – Previously: #2 – I loved Mike Ditka’s rant on Sunday NFL Countdown regarding the crappy turf at Soldier Field. It went something like this: “They play college games on there, high school games on there, Pee Wee games, clown college games. It’s horrible!”
   
   Hey Bears, if it pisses Ditka off, you probably don’t want to do it.
   
   Why do I bring this up under Green Bay? Well, if you didn’t see it, the Packers-Bears game had to be stopped because there was some sort of weird metallic object on the field. FOX cameras didn’t get a good close-up, but Facebook friend Steve T. posted a YouTube video showing exactly what the mysterious object was.
   
   
2. New England Patriots (2-1) – Previously: #1 – It should have been obvious to everyone that the Chad Ochocinco signing wasn’t going to work out. Tom Brady said as much the day after Ochocinco was signed; when asked what No. 85 does well, Brady didn’t have much to say:
   
   “Umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh… umm… uhh…”
   
   
3. New Orleans Saints (2-1) – Previously: #3 – Good win by the Saints, but did they have to cover after trailing by nine in the second half? Jerks cost me one unit.
   
   At any rate, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “NEWS PIPE! Matt Schaub is NOT a QB. GET OFF THE CRACKFLASH!”
   
   It’s true. GameCenter people believe that Matt Schaub is a defensive end.
   
   2. “yea you all beat us twice in a row big deal, your not even in are devision”
   
   And you, my friend, won’t be in the smart second-grade class “devision” anytime soon either.
   
   3. “I’m from Brandon Fl. just south east of Tampa….but the economy is extremelt bad here.”
   
   I guess the economy has a direct correlation to education.
   
   
4. Baltimore Ravens (2-1) – Previously: #5 – I’m disgusted with myself that I didn’t see that the Ravens were an obvious cover. Baltimore was out for blood after last week’s embarrassing loss, while St. Louis was on an emotional low after that Monday night debaclization. Stupid me, stupid, stupid!
   
   
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) – Previously: #6 – Is anyone else sick of that stupid Spanish Heritage Month crap that the NFL, ESPN and NBC put us through during the Colts-Steelers and Redskins-Cowboys games? Hank Williams sang in Spanish, for crying out loud!
   
   Well, don’t be too happy that September is quickly coming to an end because the NFL, ESPN NBC will celebrate Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean, Bisexual Heritage Month in October. At ESPN and NBC, making every race, even half-Norwegian, half-Korean, bisexuals, feel good about themselves is extremely important.
   
   
6. New York Jets (2-1) – Previously: #4 – Speaking of Spanish Heritage Month, I have to wonder if Mark Sanchez ever gets annoyed by it. Like, it’d be nice if they had a Fat Football Web Site Owner Heritage Month at first, but it’d get old pretty quickly.
   
   What does one do during Spanish Heritage Month anyway? I know nothing about Spanish heritage. I’m sure there’s bull riding and quesadillas involved, or something. I guess I’m the wrong person to ask because I only two Spanish words: taco and bell.
   
   
7. Detroit Lions (3-0) – Previously: #10 – I get plenty of hate mail – make sure you look for it in my Week 4 NFL Picks page – but I was pleased to receive a complimentary e-mail regarding one of the few correct predictions I’ve made over the years:
   
   
   
   
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1) – Previously: #16 – I was SMHing when I heard Brian Billick say the following when the Buccaneers had a key 4th-and-1 with a lead late in the game against the Falcons:
   
   “I’d go ahead and punt it, and trust my defense.”
   
   Hey, Billick, not every head coach has the luxury of relying on Ray Lewis and Ed Reed to bail his crappy offense out. They can’t all have that philosophy.
   
   
9. New York Giants (2-1) – Previously: #15 – After struggling in the first six quarters of the season, it seems like Eli Manning has gotten his mojo back. The Giants had a very impressive performance at Philadelphia. Or maybe the overrated Eagles just sucked. Not totally sure.
   
   What I do know is that things are going to quickly blow up for Philly if the prominent players keep throwing their teammates under the bus. For example, DeSean Jackson berated his defense when he said the following:
   
   When you for 4th-and-1 and don’t make it, the defense really has to step up.
   
   QB Dog Killer was even worse when he criticized both the offensive line and the officials:
   
   Every time I throw the ball, I’m gettin’ hit in the head. I’m on the ground. COOOONSTAAAANTLYYYYY. Every time I throw the ball I’m on the ground. Getting hit on the head. I’m not getting the 15-yard penalties like everyone else do (Emmittism?), but I’m not going to complain about it.
   
   Umm… isn’t that what you just did?
   
   By the way, for those who didn’t see QB Dog Killer’s press conference, he looked like this:
   
   
   
   
10. Buffalo Bills (3-0) – Previously: #17 – Are the Bills really the 10th best team in the NFL? I’m not so sure. But since the world is coming to an end in 15 months, I figure that God will find some way to have Buffalo win the final Super Bowl in Earth’s history.
    
    

32. Seattle Seahawks (1-2) – Previously: #32 – Despite the win against Arizona, the Seahawks are still the worst team in the NFL. I can’t imagine the Colts, Chiefs, Jaguars, etc. losing to the Cardinals at home.

Speaking of home, it was funny to hear the Seahawk fans chant “Charlie! Charlie!” on Sunday despite the team’s victory. You really have to wonder why Pete Carroll is stubbornly sticking with Tarvaris Jackson. What if this were a food-type situation?

Mrs. Carroll: Pete, I just baked some brownies. Do you want any?

Pete Carroll: Nah, I think I’ll stick with my Poop Salad.

Mrs. Carroll: I’ll admit, I’m not good at making desserts, but these brownies have a chance at being tasty. Maybe they’ll suck. But you might as well try them to see if they’re better than your Poop Salad.

Pete Carroll: No, no, no, Poop Salad for me.

Mrs. Carroll: But Pete, you traded away valuable assets for ingredients so I could make these brownies. And remember that one time when you were really hungry right after New Years and you enjoyed that brownie? Why not at least take one bite?

Pete Carroll: Damn it, woman, leave me alone! I’ll have my Poop Salad in peace!

31. Indianapolis Colts (0-3) – Previously: #31 – Beloved GameCenter poster Taton, an avid Colts fan, is very frustrated. Here’s his most recent post about the Colts:



Come on, Taton. I know you’re angry, but please leave President Obama out of this. He’s screwed plenty of other things up, but he had nothing to do with your team’s demise.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) – Previously: #30 – Speaking of the Colts, I called up Kerry Collins for an interview to find out why he was really benched:

Me: Hey Kerry, thanks for joining me. Sorry about your benching and/or concussion.

Kerry Collins: Hic! Heyyyy mannn wannntssss to beeeee my beerrr ponnng parrtnurrr? Hic!

Me: Maybe later, actually. But let’s do this interview first. Did you suffer a concussion against the Steelers?

Kerry Collins: Conkk-hic-cussshiiion?

Me: Yeah, you know, getting hit in the head and then having to take tests?

Kerry Collins: Yeeeaaahhh I ‘memmburrr tessstsssss.

Me: What sort of tests did the medical staff give you?

Kerry Collins: They maadddee meeee count bacckkkwuurrddss fffrom 65 toooo 55 and thunnn walk innnn sttt-hic-ttraight linnnnne.

Me: That actually sounds like a sobriety test more than anything.

Kerry Collins: I taaake the saammmee teessttss unnnn Pennnn St-hic-ttaate.

Me: I see. So, how much did you have to drink before the game?

Kerry Collins: Hic!

Me: Hey, it’s Derek Anderson! What are you doing here?

Derek Anderson: I wannnnn pplllay burrrr pooonnggg.

Kerry Collins: Hic! Beeee onnn my ttteamm!

Me: Hmm… I guess this interview is over.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) – Previously: #26 – Houston’s loss to New Orleans was very significant for Gary Kubiak in that it’s playoffs or bust for him. Elsewhere in the AFC South, Wayne Weaver has other goals for Jack Del Rio:

Wayne Weaver: It’s at least three wins or bust, Del Rio! Three wins or bust!

Jack Del Rio: You’re totally killing my vibe, man.

Seriously, how many more crappy seasons do the 12 Jaguar fans out there have to endure before Del Rio is finally canned?

28. Miami Dolphins (0-3) – Previously: #25 – I spent about 20 minutes trying to figure out when Tony Sparano will be fired this year. My guess is Week 12 – after the Cowboys destroy the Dolphins on Thanksgiving.

Here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Michael E.):

1. “lol i thin flacco is the mobile qb lmao”

Apparently, even the simplest sentences are funny when you’re a GameCenter clown.

2. “sucks that lions have to wait to next year to see are number 1 back . lets face it but best is not a every down back. he gets hurt to easy. also were yet to are number 3 reciever.”

What happens first: The Lions win the Super Bowl three years in a row, or this person comes to understand the difference between “are” and “our?” I’m betting the former.

3. “I don’t care about breast cancer if my wife got it and she had to get hers removed i would divorce her as soon as i found out what good is a women with no breats. BTW i am not a steelers fan or gayven fan”

Looks like someone’s going to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!

27. Cleveland Browns (2-1) – Previously: #29 – Beating the Dolphins at home is no accomplishment, so here’s a recap of the Redskins-Cowboys game:

1. The entire Washington team stood in the middle of the field on Dallas’ star prior to kickoff. London Fletcher was right in the middle, yelling, “This is our house! This is our house!”

Well, almost. Despite Tony Romo’s rib injury and punctured lung, the Cowboys eked out an 18-16 victory, as the two teams combined for nine field goals.

2. It’s a miracle Dallas won this contest. When Romo wasn’t taking crushing hits, he was yelling at his teammates. The receivers continuously ran wrong routes, while center Phil Costa mistimed the snap a whopping four times. It was so unbelievable that it became a running joke. On one of the botched snaps, I really thought I was watching an instant replay. The Redskins have to be kicking themselves that they didn’t come out with a victory.

Romo was the hero. He went 22-of-36 for 255 yards and a pick that wasn’t his fault. The big play came on a 3rd-and-21 situation late in the fourth quarter in which Romo was under heavy pressure, yet found Dez Bryant 30 yards downfield. Dallas kicked the winning field goal about a minute later.

3. The receivers and the center weren’t the only Cowboys who screwed up. The offensive play-calling inside the red zone was awful; Dallas had the ball at the 9-, 14- and 2-yard line, but couldn’t punch it into the end zone. Jason Garrett seemed infatuated with feeding the ball to an unknown Tony Fiammetta and woeful Tashard Choice (7-5). It’s mind-boggling that Felix Jones had only seven more rushes than Choice; Jones gained 115 yards on his 14 attempts.

Garrett’s worst gaffe occurred in the final quarter. Dallas had a 4th-and-7 near Washington’s 40. It appeared as though the Cowboys planned to go for it, but they called timeout as the play clock was running out. However, they decided to punt out of the break.

I couldn’t believe it. Why the hell did they use a precious timeout if they wanted to punt it? Why not just take the 5-yard penalty? The Cowboys are really lucky this didn’t come back to haunt them.

4. I wrote that the Redskins could win this game with only one Bad Rex moment. Instead, there were three. Rex Grossman tossed a bad pick to Sean Lee in the opening half. He also should have tossed another interception in the fourth quarter. During the final drive, Grossman was strip-sacked by Anthony Spencer, which concluded this matchup.

Grossman made some really nice throws at times (22-37, 250 yards, TD, INT), but the two turnovers, as well as red-zone inefficiency, cost Washington the chance to improve to 3-0.

26. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) – Previously: #24 – The next time I think about making an NFL Pick of the Month with a team that has one of its starters arrested for marijuana possession, please e-mail me a bunch of viruses so I can’t access my sportsbook account. Of course, this all wouldn’t be an issue if our stupid government just legalized pot. Think of how few arrests the Bengals would have if this happened!

25. Denver Broncos (1-2) – Previously: #23 – I’d give you analysis of Kyle Orton’s dreadful performance at Tennessee, but a GameCenter person actually said it best:

orton sucks how can any 1 say he is an nfl qb he is flat out garbage…..josh mcdanIELS is the cause of all this he messed us all up…start tebow if doesnt do anything draft better recivers around him hes A 2 TIME NATIONAL CHAMPION N A HEISGHMEN WINNER!!!WHAT IS ORTON????UMMM A TRASH BUM WHO HAS DONE NOTHING IN HIS WHOLE CAREER BUT THROW PICZ..HE SUCKS

What’s hilarious is that this horribly misspelled rant is much more logical than anything the clowns on ESPN have to say when they defend Orton and say that he should be the starter over Tim Tebow.

24. Arizona Cardinals (1-2) – Previously: #19 – I’ve moved the 49ers into the top NFC West spot because of their awesome defense. Well, that and the following reason from another GameCenter person:

the only thing Smith provides for this offense is Shade

Good enough for Jim Harbaugh! Kevin Kolb and Tardvaris don’t even do that, while Sam Bradford’s receivers can only drop the shade.

23. St. Louis Rams (0-3) – Previously: #22 – That blowout loss to the Ravens was terrible, but I still believe the 0-3 Rams are better than the 1-2 Cardinals and 1-2 Seahawks.

Oh, and by the way, NFC West teams are 2-4-2 against the spread (2-6 straight up) this year when playing outside the division, with the two covers being Arizona over Washington and San Francisco over the stupid Bengals. Just something to watch for.


2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2). Previously: #8
12. San Diego Chargers (2-1). Previously: #11
13. Oakland Raiders (2-1). Previously: #18
14. Dallas Cowboys (2-1). Previously: #12
15. Chicago Bears (1-2). Previously: #7
16. Atlanta Falcons (1-2). Previously: #9
17. Houston Texans (2-1). Previously: #13
18. Washington Redskins (2-1). Previously: #14
19. Carolina Panthers (1-2). Previously: #21
20. San Francisco 49ers (2-1). Previously: #27
21. Tennessee Titans (2-1). Previously: #20
22. Minnesota Vikings (0-3). Previously: #28