2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 17
Week 16 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New England Patriots (13-2) – Previously: #1 – I must have been super drunk and/or high off cat urine a week ago because I heard Keyshawn Johnson say the following on Monday Night Countdown prior to the Vikings-Bears game: “I’m a skeptic of Tom Brady… Michael Vick deserves the right to be MVP.”
   
   Really, Keyshawn? Brady hasn’t done enough to earn your respect as an NFL quarterback?
   
   Luckily, Keyshawn later provided a list of things Brady needs to do to earn his respect:
   
   1. Win five more Super Bowls
   2. Win three more MVPs
   3. Bang 50 more supermodels
   4. Stand up to his wife so he can cut his hair
   5. Drown dogs while taking bets on how long they’d last
   6. Go to prison for two years
   7. Become a minority (Keyshawn said he’ll only settle for black or Hispanic)
   
   
2. Green Bay Packers (9-6) – Previously: #8 – The Eagles seem to own the Falcons, so the two teams that have the best chance of defeating QB Dog Killer are the Saints and Packers. Sean Payton always beats Andy Reid, and with Aaron Rodgers fully recovered, Green Bay has the offense to outscore Philadelphia in a shootout.
   
   By the way, I think Packer fans will appreciate this exchange between two forum members in our Week 16 Live In-Game Thread:
   
   BobLoblaw: Oh, and I hope that Philly game gets postponed and has to be aired Monday night against the much better Saints/Falcons game. It would serve NBC and the league right for trying to promote a psychopath.
   
   Colts Homer: Brett Favre?
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-4) – Previously: #4 – I’m stating the obvious, but the Steelers have no chance if Troy Polamalu’s not back for the playoffs.
   
   Speaking of the stud safety, Jeremy L. sent over the following e-mail:
   
   I swear to God, during the fourth quarter of this contest, I heard Joe Theismann refer to Troy Polamalu as “Terry Polamalu.”
   
   You know, Theismann is incredible. Not only did he break the news that Jason Campbell would be head coach of the Cowboys next year; he was also first to report that Troy Polamalu legally changed his name to Terry Polamalu. Theismann, Adam Schefter has got nothing on you.
   
   
4. Baltimore Ravens (11-4) – Previously: #5 – Ray Lewis lived up to his word. He shut down the blind cat (Peyton Hillis), which cost me two fantasy championships (Andre Johnson’s absence hurt too). FML.
   
   Anyway, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “tampa bay wont win dude baltimor outmatches u guys in all aspect betterdefence lol ed reed has 4 int since hes been back the past 4 games and bal offience is explosive with boldin mason tj and rayrice itll be a good game itll be bal 27-20 but josh freedom wont have a 4th quarter comback this game”
   
   If I ever need to take a week off, I may hire this guy to write up my picks.
   
   2. “look at him in the mountains watchin football you lonley up there no friends lil tv no heat lol man the city is where it is i think ill go to the bar an wacth the game tonight”
   
   Yeah, people in the mountains have no TV, Internet, heat or friends. What a horrible life.
   
   3. “i;ll admit this was just 1 game , theres four more games left , but c’ mon u guys just suxed 2 day not even a touchdown! lol”
   
   Suxed, the past tense of sux.
   
   
5. New Orleans Saints (11-4) – Previously: #6 – I’ll cover the Saints-Falcons game in the next capsule, so a quick note on the playoff scenarios:
   
   In my Week 16 NFL Recaps, I mentioned that Tampa Bay would have control of its own destiny if New Orleans lost to Atlanta on Monday night. That’s not true actually, so I have to apologize for that mistake. While at work, Awesome Kelly sent over a detailed e-mail correcting me Monday afternoon:
   
   Tampa Bay clinches a playoff spot:
   
   1) TB win + NO loss to ATL + NYG loss or tie
   2) TB win + NO loss to ATL + GB loss or tie
   3) TB win + NYG loss or tie + GB loss or tie
   
   I thanked Kelly for pointing this out. She replied:
   
   “If you can’t tell, I�m working very hard today. I find playoff scenarios interesting.”
   
   
6. Philadelphia Eagles (10-5) – Previously: #2 – WEDNESDAY UPDATE: The Eagles look terrible. Their offensive line blows, their defense has too many injuries and QB Dog Killer is banged up.
   
   I’ll repeat what I tweeted (@walterfootball), “Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, who’s in charge of declaring state of emergencies, said the Eagles game should have been played.”
   
   The final verdict: Most of the city received about 8-10 inches of snow. So, they canceled a freaking football game because of 8-10 inches of snow? Chicago and New England have suffered through much worse, and they didn’t have to postpone anything. Why did this game have to be moved two days?
   
   As Rendell said, if Vince Lombardi were still alive, he’d be mocking the city of Philadelphia right now.
   
   
7. Atlanta Falcons (12-3) – Previously: #3 – As promised, here are my thoughts on the Saints-Falcons game:
   
   1. This was a really devastating loss for Atlanta. Even if the Falcons beat the Panthers and clinch homefield advantage, their supposed aura of invincibility in the Georgia Dome is gone. The Saints exposed the Falcons, and no team is going to be intimidated to go into Atlanta.
   
   2. The Falcons’ defense played great until late in the fourth quarter. They blitzed non-stop and put tons of pressure on Drew Brees (35-49, 302 yards, TD, 2 INTs). However, they just couldn’t bring down the defending Super Bowl MVP. Brees shook off so many Falcons that I tweeted, “Drew Brees has morphed into Ben Roethlisberger, the none-raping version.”
   
   I meant to write “non-raping version,” but I screwed up. My chance to post a legendary top tweet was ruined, and I now hang my head in shame.
   
   3. Two problems with Atlanta’s offense: First, they can’t do anything about this now, but the front office needs to find more weapons for Matt Ryan (15-29, 148 yards, TD). All Ryan has is Roddy White (3-43, TD). Tony Gonzalez (2-12) has lost it, and Michael Jenkins is one of the worst No. 2 wideouts in the NFL.
   
   Second, can the Falcons please stop running the ball on first down? Throwing the ball on first down is easier than any other down, yet Atlanta seemingly gave the ball to Michael Turner (17-48) on almost every first down.
   
   4. The Falcons had two crucial fumbles in this game. One gave the Saints a short field and a subsequent touchdown. The other was a fumble at the New Orleans 1-yard line. The Saints, however, had two key turnovers of their own (Brees’ picks), so everything evened out.
   
   5. Let’s talk about Matt Millen and Steve Young. Millen said the following after the game:
   
   It’s that time of year you need to make great plays and your great players are the ones who are going to make great plays.
   
   It’s like mad libs, but Millen keeps picking the same words.
   
   Immediately afterward, Steve said the following three quotes during the highlight reel:
   
   – Twenty-five teams don’t have quarterbacks like Drew Brees.
   – Only three quarterbacks in the world can make plays like that.
   – Twenty-nine teams would run in that situation.
   
   As e-mailer Austin L. wrote, It’s like a bad game of 99 beers on the wall.
   
   
8. Indianapolis Colts (9-6) – Previously: #13 – I forgot to mention this, but a few weeks ago, Bob Lamey, a Colts radio person, said that NFL defenses had “figured [Peyton] Manning out,” and that Manning should be benched in favor of Curtis Painter. Lamey said that Indianapolis should draft Manning’s replacement in 2011.
   
   How’s that prediction working out for ya, Bob? Now, I’ve said some stupid things on the site, but nothing tops this.
   
   Recently, Lamey offered his opinion on how to improve the United States of America. Here was his checklist:
   
   1. “The Constitution doesn’t work. Let’s implement whatever the USSR used before they split apart.”
   
   2. “The drinking age should be 4. I’m tired of walking to the liquor store. I want my 4-year-old kid to get my booze for me.”
   
   3. “Not only should marijuana be legalized; it should be enforced. Everyone should have to smoke at least five joints every day.”
   
   4. “No more airport security. If some shady, turban-wearing man with something concealed in his vest wants to get on a plane, let him get on the plane.”
   
   5. “All women must fully clothed at all times in public.”
   
   Of Lamey’s suggestions, No. 5 is the worst, and it’s not even close.
   
   
9. Chicago Bears (11-4) – Previously: #11 – Impressive win, but I still don’t trust Jay Cutler and Mike Martz.
   
   Speaking of which, I must have been imagining things, but did ESPN really run a report on Sunday NFL Countdown about Martz becoming a head coach in 2011? Martz has done a great job with Cutler, but hiring him as a head coach would be like giving Matt Millen another shot at being a general manager. Any team that gives Martz a head-coaching job should be exiled from the NFL.
   
   
10. New York Jets (10-5) – Previously: #7 – So, Mark Sanchez is playing well, but the defense sucks? What’s going on here?
    
    I guess I should be too surprised that things are bizarre in New York, given the weird Rex Ryan foot-fetish story.
    
    With that in mind, I’d like to thank forum member Red-Headed Step-Child for providing this hilarious image:
    
    
    
    

32. Carolina Panthers (2-13) – Previously: #32 – The Panthers are officially on the clock. If Andrew Luck declares, the No. 1 overall pick is a no-brainer. While it’s unfair to judge any rookie quarterback playing behind a crap offensive line with no receivers (Steve Smith sucks), Jimmy Clausen is slow in making his reads and continues to show horrible body language.

Maybe Clausen can improve upon these things and become a decent quarterback down the road, but that’s going to take a long time. Carolina needs to start over.

As for Luck, he can’t possibly be stupid enough to go back to school after watching what happened to fellow Pac-10 quarterback Jake Locker. I know there are rumors that Luck wants to continue his education, but that’s a bunch of crap. The only thing he’ll learn at Stanford next year is that skipping the NFL Draft when you’re projected to go No. 1 overall will cost you countless millions of dollars.

31. Seattle Seahawks (6-9) – Previously: #28 – The No. 31 team is playing for a postseason spot in Week 17? What the hell is going on here!?

Two thoughts on this:

First, the three quarterbacks the Seahawks have beaten since Oct. 24: Jimmy Clausen, Max Hall and Derek Anderson. They’ve lost to everyone else. Now you know why they’re No. 31.

And second, great call by forum member ckane138 on the Rams-Seahawks game being flexed to Sunday night:

This is the NFL equivalent to the 65 vs. 64 game of the NCAA Tournament.

30. San Francisco 49ers (5-9) – Previously: #27 – I’ve dropped the 49ers down to No. 30 because some person named Tomsula will be the interim head coach next week. Sounds like some roided-up pro wrestler. Coincidentally, Tomsula looks like one.

The final nail in Mike Dingleberry’s coffin (thanks to Facebook friend Greg A. for that nickname) was his ridiculous decision to keep switching between Alex and Troy Smith. He should have just picked one and stuck with him, unless there was a secret agenda behind his decision-making. Facebook friend William F. wrote the following:

So Troy Smith is starting… Think the 49ers are thinking if we can’t beat teams, confuse ’em!?

See, that strategy would work if both quarterbacks didn’t epically suck at life.

29. Denver Broncos (4-11) – Previously: #31 – Tim Tebow continues to dominate. Too bad he won’t get much credit because Houston’s defense sucks, but this was his second NFL start and almost every NFL Draft analyst thought he’d completely blow in the NFL.

Speaking of Denver quarterbacks, forum member GiantsFanMike asked the following question:

So who would we rather have? Jimmy Clausen or Brady Quinn?

Easy answer. I’d much rather have Quinn, so I can trade him for Peyton Hillis.

28. Arizona Cardinals (5-10) – Previously: #29 – John Skeletor is awesome. He’s got a rocket arm, solid accuracy at times and great poise as he showed in that final drive against the Cowboys.

Oh, and he looks like this (thanks Rofldogs):



With that in mind, the Adventure of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask continues!

Anderson: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

John Skelton: The people of Eternia will see you kneel before me, JUST before you die!

Anderson: Wahhhh!!!!

27. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11) – Previously: #30 – Unless Carson Palmer bombs in the finale, the Bengals almost have to bring him back despite his high salary, right? He was amazing against the Chargers.

At any rate, here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (these are from e-mailer Kraig R. who sent over some posts from some guy named Thomas24882):

1. “cuz he go hert”

You should never make excuses – especially if no one can understand them.

2. “its that dam D of the broncos that ant doin there jobs not cuz of tebow tebow got two TD ortan cant doit. ortan sucks tebow is better thay just to play him more”

Kyle Orton used to be good – until he changed his name to “Ortan.” Now he sucks.

3. “raiders r some cheeters”

Perhaps you should consider “cheeting” on your next spelling test.

26. Houston Texans (5-10) – Previously: #26 – Let’s add Matt Schaub and Gary Kubiak as late Jerks of the Week candidates. On Monday, Schaub said that he knew all week that Andre Johnson would be out.

Thanks for screwing over thousands of fantasy owners, douche bag. But good thing that your strategy of concealing Johnson’s injury worked against the… wait, you lost to the Broncos. Never mind.

25. Tennessee Titans (6-9) – Previously: #21 – As mentioned in my Week 16 recaps, the Titans put forth absolutely no effort in Kansas City. So, once again, I’m not going to say anything about them.

Moving on, I called in Mike Singletary and Troy Smith for an interview to find out what the two were arguing about on the sidelines:

ME: Hey Mike and Troy, thanks for joining me. I’m just going to sit back and let you talk it over. Maybe you can settle whatever argument you had.

SINGLETARY: “I want winners! Not this loser!”

SMITH: “But I am a winner, coach! I won at Ohio State!”

SINGLETARY: “That’s why I started you, fool! You tricked me into thinking you were a winner! You’re a loser!”

SMITH: “But when Jim Tressel’s friends gave me thousands of dollars under the table, they all told me how awesome I was!”

SINGLETARY: “You’re not a winner! You’re a loser! I’m going to pull my pants down and shove my a** in your face!”

SMITH: “No, coach, please!”

SINGLETARY: “Smell my butt hole! Smell it!”

SMITH: “No, coach! I have this shiny Big Ten championship ring! Take it so I don’t have to look at your hairy butt!”

SINGLETARY: “Shove the ring up my butt hole and I will consider it, loser!”

TED GINN: “Hey Troy, look at my towel! Look at my towel, Troy! Look at my towel!”

SMITH: “Get your towel away from me!”

GINN: “I returned a kickoff for a touchdown, Troy. Then I grabbed this towel and wiped my face. Look at the towel, Troy! Look at the sweat on the towel, Troy! Look at it! Feel the towel on your face, Troy!”

ME: Get the hell out of here, Ginn. You’ve cost me thousands of dollars over the years, a**hole!

24. Buffalo Bills (4-11) – Previously: #18 – I wonder what Stevie Johnson thinks about God now after dropping three passes against the Patriots.

I have a suggestion for Stevie: Instead of supporting God, why not worship Satan? God clearly hates you. Satan will love you. He has the ability to improve your hands. He’ll make sure you never drop another ball ever again.

If Stevie sides with Satan, by the way, I think we can expect Buffalo’s first-round pick to be used on Saddam Hussein, who will undoubtedly engage in a gay relationship with the dark lord. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

23. Washington Redskins (6-9) – Previously: #25 – Rush Limbaugh was right all along. The media wants Donovan McNabb to succeed. The evidence was there on this week’s Sunday NFL Countdown when all five members of the panel actually said stuff like, “How dare the Redskins treat Donovan McNabb this way?”

I really hope Cris Carter, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Ditka, etc. read the following paragraph. I’m going to hit the caps lock to emphasize it:

DONOVAN MCNABB SUCKS. HE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. HE WAS ONE OF THE WORST STARTING QUARTERBACKS ALL YEAR. HIS ACCURACY BLOWS. HE CHOKES IN THE CLUTCH. HE STINKS. HE’S HORRIBLE. HE’S GARBAGE. REX FREAKING GROSSMAN OUTPERFORMED HIM. NO MATTER WHERE HE GOES AND WHOM HE’LL THROW TO, MCNABB WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN MEDIOCRE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE HE BLOWS. HE WAS ALWAYS OVERRATED BY THE MEDIA, AND NOW THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE ANDY REID MASKING HIS WEAKNESSES, HE HAS BEEN EXPOSED. SO STOP SUCKING HIS C***, ESPN. MCNABB SUCKS!!!

Think that’s clear enough?


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Kansas City Chiefs (10-5). Previously: #14
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6). Previously: #17
13. San Diego Chargers (8-7). Previously: #10
14. Dallas Cowboys (5-10). Previously: #12
15. New York Giants (9-6). Previously: #9
16. Minnesota Vikings (6-9). Previously: #22
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-7). Previously: #15
18. Oakland Raiders (7-8). Previously: #16
19. Detroit Lions (5-10). Previously: #23
20. St. Louis Rams (7-8). Previously: #24
21. Cleveland Browns (5-10). Previously: #19
22. Miami Dolphins (7-8). Previously: #20