2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 3
Week 2 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Green Bay Packers (2-0) – Previously: #1 – Clay Matthews now has six sacks on the year, putting him on pace for 48 on the year.
   
   This got me thinking. If Clay Matthews had a Heisman, would he give it back like Reggie Bush did? At first I didn’t think so, but then I realized that Clay Matthews would never have a Heisman. Clay Matthews doesn’t waste time with silly little trophies. Clay Matthews prefers to hang dead polar bear carcasses on his mantle instead.
   
   
2. New Orleans Saints (2-0) – Previously: #3 – According to NFL.com’s GameCenter, this was the third play of the game:
   
   3-5-SF 15(13:32) (Shotgun) A.Smith Aborted.
   
   At that point, I was convinced this was going to be a crazy game.
   
   For the Saints, Drew Brees continues to be awesome, but the concern is the serious-looking knee injury Reggie Bush suffered in the fourth quarter. Bush does a lot for the Saints, so it’ll really hurt if he’s gone for a while. He left the stadium on crutches, so it does not look good.
   
   Another big story in the Monday night game was Alex Smith. I’m now a believer. Smith went 23-of-32 for 275 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions (only one was his fault). More importantly, he led a breath-taking game-tying touchdown drive with two minutes remaining in the game when it looked like the 49ers were doomed to lose 22-14. Smith was 5-of-6 for 63 yards and rushed twice for 24 yards on the final possession.
   
   The 49ers ultimately lost a game they should have won. They turned the ball over four times; two turnovers were deep in Saints territory, and the other two gave the Saints a safety and a field goal. San Francisco also wasted timeouts and was senselessly penalized on one occasion when Vernon Davis didn’t know whether he should have been on the field or not. I love Mike Singletary’s passion and emotion, but he really needs to fix this sloppiness, or it’s going to come back to haunt him in a much more important game.
   
   
3. Houston Texans (2-0) – Previously: #4 – If I were a douche, I’d remind you that I had the Texans going to the AFC Championship in my 2010 NFL Season Previews. Hem, hem.
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) – Previously: #6 – Wow. Imagine how good this team will be when Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension is over. I’d say they’d be as powerful as a big drunk man who forces opposing teams into bathrooms and does naughty things with them, but I used that awesome joke last week.
   
   
5. Indianapolis Colts (1-1) – Previously: #7 – Peyton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, but he’s a douche of a big brother. Seriously, couldn’t he have told his defense to take it easy on Eli? That way, he could have consoled Eli afterward: “You did good, baby bro. You didn’t win, but at least your team covered the spread! Great job!”
   
   Hey, that’s what I would have done. But then again, I am a degenerate gambler and I had the Giants +5.5.
   
   
6. Baltimore Ravens (1-1) – Previously: #2 – I forgot to mention this last week, but I found it odd that the super-hot Rachel Nichols reported the following before the Week 1 Ravens-Jets game: “Coaches usually watch game film to prepare for their opponent. Cam Cameron actually watched Hard Knocks instead.”
   
   Great strategy, Cam. Unfortunately, it backfired when he popped in his video tape of the 2009 version of Hard Knocks prior to the Cincinnati game. When he saw Terrell Owens and Jordan Shipley catching passes, he must have thought, “Who the hell are these guys!? They weren’t in the 2009 Hard Knocks! The Bengals brought in ringers!”
   
   
7. New England Patriots (1-1) – Previously: #5 – I’m disgusted that QB Nacho beat the Patriots and lost me five units, so let’s just go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “come on eagles just two points away and its a tie this is our game, this coulpd b our season lets go”
   
   This sentence looked so promising. Unfortunately, the massive amount of alcohol this person consumed kicked in at the end.
   
   2. “Falcons are the real underdogs. Vegas has it run.”
   
   And here I thought the Cardinals were the underdogs because the Falcons were favored by seven. But this person changed my mind with his “Vegas has it run” logic.
   
   3. “mark sanchez is awsome jets fans should feel really good there quarterback ha”
   
   The dozen missing words in this sentence can be found on a milk carton.
   
   
8. San Diego Chargers (1-1) – Previously: #9 – Because Jaguar fans will send me computer viruses and angry e-mails if I don’t mention this, I’m really disappointed in the Chargers’ fan base for failing to sell out their home opener. That’s embarrassing. You’d think those fans would have watched the Kansas City game and been inspired by how awesome the people are Arrowhead were. But perhaps they were intimidated by the high standards the Chiefs fans set.
   
   Seriously though, the Chargers have a very good and exciting football team, so aside from horrific weather – which doesn’t exist in that part of the country – there’s no excuse not to sell out every home contest. Besides, what’s there to do in San Diego besides attend a football game? Lay out in the sun and stare at hot chicks in bikinis all day? Please.
   
   
9. Washington Redskins (1-1) – Previously: #11 – The Redskins would be 2-0 right now if it wasn’t for a blocked chip-shot field goal and that stupid pre-kick timeout trick. Of course, you could also say that they’d be 0-2 if Alex Barron didn’t strangle Brian Orakpo. What we can all agree on though is that Mike Shanahan needs to stop painting his face red before his post-game press conferences.
   
   
10. Dallas Cowboys (0-2) – Previously: #8 – How sad is it that I can simply copy-paste what I write about the Cowboys every week? For instance, here’s what I wrote in my 2010 NFL Power Rankings last week:
    
    Is anyone actually surprised that the Cowboys just lost like they did? They always lose like this. This is what happens when you have a confused buffoon patrolling your sidelines.
    
    Because Wobbling Wade might be fired soon, let me utilize the magic of copy-paste again by re-posting two of Phillips’ ridiculous quotes from last year’s playoff loss:
    
    “We throw an interception, we miss a field goal, I think we were playing pretty good.”
    
    “We went into desperation mode, Tony was running for his life most of the time.”
    
    Desperation Mode, eh?
    
    
    
    

32. Buffalo Bills (0-2) – Previously: #32 – Great e-mail from Jason W:

Walt, I know it’s early, but any chance the league will let the Bills start negotiating early with the No. 1 pick? I can’t wait to see Mark Ingram in a Bills uniform.

The sad thing is that Buffalo’s front office is so inept that I could actually see this happen. Chan Gailey would defend the selection by saying, “We can do good tangs with a quick back like Spiller and an inside back like Ingram!”

31. Cleveland Browns (0-2) – Previously: #30 – I’m never laying points with Seneca “The Backdoor Bandit” Wallace again. Actually, I just wanted to use that nickname again.

More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “who should i start muhammad Massoquia”

Is this person asking Muhammad Massaquoi whom to start? I’m confused.

2. “HOT DANG !!! VIKINGS GETTING OWENED RIGHT NOW”

In case you’re wondering, “owened” is the past tense of Owens.

3. “childress is a idiot take the feild goal”

“I” before “E” except after “C” – but not on the NFL.com GameCenter.

30. St. Louis Rams (0-2) – Previously: #31 – I’d love to say something here to piss off forum member Franchize (a Rams homer – yes, such a thing exists), but I can’t. As far as ESPN is concerned, the Rams-Raiders game never took place yesterday. Trey Wingo, Merril Hoge and Trent Dilfer didn’t show a single highlight of that contest on the new crappy NFL Primetime.

ESPN sucks and will never bring the good old NFL Primetime back. But if you feel as strongly about this as I do, make sure you join the Bring Back NFL Primetime Facebook page. On the bright side though, Chris Berman gave us “Joel ‘Salad’ Dreessen” at halftime during the 49ers-Saints game. Classic.

29. Detroit Lions (0-2) – Previously: #28 – A funny moment in the Lions-Eagles game: DeSean Jackson made what was incorrectly called a catch in the first quarter, as the ball slipped out of his hands at the end of the play. Jim Schwartz went berserk, jumping in the air and yelling incoherently. He challenged, and the play was overturned.

Thank God. Had Jackson’s catch stood, Schwartz may have jumped off a building or lit himself on fire after the game. Plus, there was no way the officials were going to make it out of Ford Field alive.

28. Carolina Panthers (0-2) – Previously: #24 – Jimmy Clausen is starting, so Carolina is bettable again. No more silly interceptions thrown into triple coverage in the end zone, Panther fans!

Here’s an interview I conducted with John Fox:

ME: Hey John, thanks for joining me.

FOX: “Hiya, Walt! I’m going to give you three choices now, are you ready? We can conduct this interview in English, French or gibberish! Which would you prefer?”

ME: What? Why can’t we just do it in English? And why is gibberish one of the three choices?

FOX: “I like having lots of options!”

ME: Meh, whatever. OK, so you suffered a tough loss at Tampa. Were they better than you expected them to be, or did you just fail to execute your game plan?

FOX: “Je parle Francais.”

ME: French, eh? So, you’ve made the switch to Jimmy Clausen. Can you explain why you’re making the move now?

FOX: “Hubbada wubbada bubbada. Ding, dong, boom, pow!”

ME: Ugh, why are you doing this?

FOX: “I like speaking in multiple languages.”

ME: Can’t you just stick with one? Or perhaps two?

FOX: “But what’s the fun in that?”

ME: What can we expect this Sunday? Will you be more conservative with Clausen, or are you going to let him air it out?

FOX: “Adoomba, clonk, powowowowowow.”

ME: John, it seems like you’re reverting to gibberish every time I ask you a tough question.

FOX: “That’s not true.”

ME: Fine, talk about your game plan with Clausen.

FOX: “Yokaka dokakaka weee popopopopopooooo blackenshpere.”

ME: I get it. This your way of defending your use of Mike Goodson on the goal line. Once again, you’re using a stupid third option in the most important situations. Why are you giving Goodson those carries anyway? And don’t answer in gibberish!

FOX: “Je parle Francais.”

ME: Ugh. Figures.

27. Seattle Seahawks (1-1) – Previously: #21 – The last time the Seahawks won on the road in a non-divisional game against team with its starting quarterback? Sept. 10, 2006: Seahawks 9, Lions 6.

The next time I think about picking the Seahawks on the road in a non-divisional contest when the line is close to being a pick-em? Please send me a computer virus so I can’t get my bet into Bodog or 5Dimes.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) – Previously: #25 – I’d joke about how the Jaguars should have felt right at home in San Diego because the Chargers failed to sell out their home opener, but then I’d just receive death threats from a couple of Jacksonville fans. So, I’ll let that one slide.

25. Arizona Cardinals (1-1) – Previously: #23 – Based on how he played, it’s quite possible that Derek Anderson eclipsed the 20-beer mark before the Atlanta game. I didn’t hear Anderson’s press conference afterward, but it may have sounded like this:

“Heeyy, wazzz you lookn at? Hic! I’m the starring quarerback of the St. Louis Carnals. Hic! Hey, I’mzz talkin tooo yewww. Whyzzz you think I had bad game? I swearzzz I’m not drunk occifer.”

24. Oakland Raiders (1-1) – Previously: #29 – Great job by Rolando McClain suplexing the 5-11, 180-pound Danny Amendola into the ground this past Sunday. That showed a great deal of courage. For McClain’s next feat, he’ll punch an orphan – right after taking a poop on a kid in a wheelchair.

23. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) – Previously: #26 – Worst 2-0 team ever? Quite possibly.

By the way, I hope Todd Haley is reading this so I can run something by him:

Haley, if you really want to convince everyone that Thomas Jones is better than Jamaal Charles, what you could do is set up that weird sprinkler system that they have in the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials. Then, when it looks like Charles is about to break another long gainer, you could have one of your minions turn on the sprinklers to ruin his potential touchdown.

It’s a brilliant, fool-proof plan, Todd. If you follow through with it, please give me credit.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Atlanta Falcons (1-1). Previously: #14
12. Miami Dolphins (2-0). Previously: #15
13. New York Jets (1-1). Previously: #16
14. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1). Previously: #17
15. Tennessee Titans (1-1). Previously: #10
16. New York Giants (1-1). Previously: #12
17. Minnesota Vikings (0-2). Previously: #13
18. Chicago Bears (2-0). Previously: #24
19. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1). Previously: #18
20. San Francisco 49ers (1-1). Previously: #22
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0). Previously: #20
22. Denver Broncos (1-1). Previously: #27