2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 15
Week 14 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (13-0) – Previously: #1 – E-mailer Rob D. sent me an insightful e-mail where he broke down New Orleans’ road games this year:
   
   1. @Philly. Looks good on paper, until you see Kevin Kolb was making his first start.
   
   2. @Buffalo. Trent Edwards throws checkdowns like there’s no tomorrow.
   
   3. @Miami. Down 21-3… if it weren’t for Ted Ginn, this is a loss.
   
   4. @Rams. A 1-win team driving for the game-winning TD on their last possession.
   
   5. @Bucs. Josh Freeman throws interceptions like there’s no tomorrow.
   
   6. @Washington. Need multiple miracles to go their way for the win.
   
   7. @Atlanta. The Chris Redman/Snelling-led Falcons. Need another defensive stop to hold onto the win.
   
   Rob brings up a great point. The Saints have nearly lost multiple road games to mediocre/crappy opponents.
   
   That said, it doesn’t matter. Save for a Week 17 battle at Carolina, the Saints won’t have to travel outside of their dome until the Super Bowl. And they’re pretty unstoppable in the Superdome.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (13-0) – Previously: #2 – Poor NFL Network. First, no one can watch their programs because some cable companies don’t carry the channel. Second, they had the misfortune of hiring Marshall Faulk and Michael Irvin as “analysists.” Third, they can’t get much advertising, so they have to continuously show their annoying NFL Play 60 PSAs to their 10-20 viewers. Seriously, if I have to see Mario Williams kidnapping that poor child one more time, I’m going to lose it.
   
   And now, a great game that the NFL Network has been waiting for might not even happen. Scott Hanson (who does a great job on the NFL Red Zone) has been pimping this Jags-Colts matchup since Week 9. Unfortunately, Peter King speculates that Peyton Manning and the rest of the Indianapolis starters may sit after a series or two at Jacksonville.
   
   So much for that awesome matchup. And now, back to Hines Ward and A.J. Hawk frolicking with 20 kids.
   
   
3. San Diego Chargers (10-3) – Previously: #3 – Goooo Chaaajjaaazzz Gooooo.
   
   I was amused by Jerry Jones’ genius idea of having his patrons wear 3-D glasses for the San Diego game. Apparently, Jones thought that the fans were sick of watching live action in two dimensions.
   
   Many fans reported that they were nauseous after wearing those glasses for a while. Unfortunately, we’ll never know if it was the glasses or the Cowboys’ uninspired play that made those people sick.
   
   
4. Minnesota Vikings (11-2) – Previously: #4 – A great bounce-back game for the Vikings after getting slaughtered in Arizona. However, there’s major cause for concern for Minnesota.
   
   When asked how he was holding up after the Bengals win, Brett Favre said the following:
   
   “I don’t know if I can make it to the playoffs. I don’t know.”
   
   Favre himself said he’s done! It’s over! Gather up all the money you can and bet against the Vikings until their season is finished!
   
   
5. Green Bay Packers (9-4) – Previously: #7 – I know we’d have to live through all of ESPN’s hype, and I’m aware that Joe Buck would jizz in his pants if he had the opportunity to call the game, but I want to see a third battle between Green Bay and Minnesota. This Packer team is not the same one that lost twice to the Vikings earlier in the year. I’d say the two squads are about equal right now.
   
   
6. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4) – Previously: #5 – Carson Palmer threw for just 94 yards against the Vikings. Some now speculate that he’s not an elite quarterback anymore. The guys on PTI asked Ron Jaworski what was wrong with him.
   
   It’s simple – Palmer has nothing to work with. Chad Ochocinco-Hachigo is getting double-teamed, and no one else can get open. Laveranues Coles absolutely stinks and has been a horrible substitute for T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
   
   Unless the Bengals sign a big-name free agent, they’ll need to spend two of their first three 2010 NFL Draft selections on a receiver and tight end to help Palmer out.
   
   
7. Arizona Cardinals (8-5) – Previously: #6 – The 49ers were my December NFL Pick of the Month, but I was a bit worried when undefeated Mike Ditka selected Arizona to win.
   
   “It could be an upset, but I like the Cardinals.”
   
   I nearly crapped my pants. After a horrible Sunday, was I doomed to lose $880 more?
   
   Well, thank you Arizona, for being completely unfocused for this game. The team turned the ball over seven times and committed 11 penalties.
   
   Don’t be down on the Cardinals because of this loss though. Coming off a big win against the Vikings, this game meant nothing to them. They’ve shown in the past that they tend to slack off toward the end of the year when they don’t need a victory.
   
   Conversely, this contest meant everything to the 49ers. This was their opportunity to show the world that they’re legit. They were playing in their first Monday night home game in three years. This was just their night.
   
   
8. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4) – Previously: #12 – Congratulations to the Eagles for winning the NFC East!
   
   Yes, I know the Birds haven’t even clinched a playoff berth yet, but they host the 49ers in Week 15, while the Cowboys travel to 13-0 New Orleans. It’s a done deal.
   
   And if that doesn’t convince you, consider this e-mail from Owen R.:
   
   With seconds winding down in their game, the Cowboys (down 10) had to take shots at the end zone to leave enough time for an onside kick and second possession for a tying field goal. I knew Turkey Neck (as you like to call Wade Phillips) and his staff would be too dumb to figure this out.
   
   I told my wife (who was doing her nails and not listening). They will keep throwing short passes and leave themselves no time. That’s what happened – a cosmetic touchdown and Romo looking at the clock to see only two seconds left.
   
   My disdain for Turkey Neck dates back to the 1999 season when (in my book) he made the most bizarre decision in sports. With Doug Flutie (10-5) as his starter at quarterback, he rested him for Week 17 with the playoff seeding already settled.
   
   Fill-in Rob Johnson threw four or five touchdown passes in a meaningless game. This prompted Turkey Neck to start Johnson over Flutie in the playoffs against Tennessee.
   
   I’m with you, Owen. I never thought I’d see Mr. Turkey Neck land another head-coaching gig again, but if there’s an owner who thinks that 3-D glasses make for a better football viewing experience, anything is possible.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (7-6) – Previously: #10 – Easy win for the Ravens, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “cardinals r a good 2 but they always seem 2 play to level of competion”
   
   The Cardinals are a good “two?” I sent this over to my Ivy League friends, and they couldn’t even figure that one out.
   
   2. “i hope we get aou a** whooped!”
   
   You hope you get your a** whooped? Is that what that says? Why would you want your own a** whooped?
   
   3. “MAN THIS TEAM REMINDS BE OF THE ny KNICKS WITH OUT OVER PAYED PLAYERS”
   
   I love how the only thing that’s supposed to be capitalized in that sentence isn’t.
   
   
10. New England Patriots (8-5) – Previously: #8 – In the past two weeks, the Patriots have scored zero points on four red-zone trips. That’s a loss of downs on a Sammy Morris run, a poorly thrown Tom Brady interception, a Randy Moss fumble and a Morris fumble.
    
    Net cost for me: $990.
    
    My dad theorizes: “New England isn’t covering all of a sudden. They probably know they’re not going to win this year, so they’ve decided to make some money with Vegas.”
    
    As a conspiracy theorist, I love it!
    
    

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12) – Previously: #29 – I’m starting to hate Josh Freeman. And based on his performances, the feeling is mutual.

For a laugh, check this out:

Since Week 9, when I’ve picked the Buccaneers to cover (4 games), Freeman is 70-of-138 for 736 yards, two touchdowns, 12 interceptions and six fumbles. That’s a completion percentage of 50.7 and a YPA of 5.3. He’s also 1-3 ATS (against the spread).

Since Week 9, when I’ve picked against the Buccaneers (2 games), Freeman is 34-of-60 for 526 yards, five touchdowns, one interception and two fumbles. That’s a completion percentage of 56.7 and a YPA of 8.8. He’s also 2-0 ATS (against the spread).

If I were a comic-book character, Freeman would be my arch nemesis. His goal: to deplete my bank account every week until I’m living in a cardboard box somewhere in downtown Philly.

31. Detroit Lions (2-11) – Previously: #31 – Because the Lions put absolutely no effort into the Ravens game, I’ll do the same for their analysis.

So here’s my take on the Lions:

…

Let’s move on…

30. St. Louis Rams (1-12) – Previously: #30 – I watched most of the Titans-Rams game, and I have to say that Keith Null is easily the worst quarterback I’ve seen on any level. I remembered afterward that Ryan Leaf was Null’s coach and mentor at West Texas A&M. That pretty much explained everything.

What was the most valuable lesson that Null learned from Leaf? Time for oddities!

10:1 – It doesn’t matter how well you do in the NFL. As long as you steal enough money from your owner, you will be a success.

7:1 – Doing drugs and stealing can help you overcome any void you have in your life.

3:1 – When a reporter asks you a question, feel free to punch him in the face. You are awesome, and all journalists are beneath you.

1:3 – When in doubt, just throw it to any moving target. You have a 50-percent chance of getting it right!

29. Kansas City Chiefs (3-10) – Previously: #28 – This Jamaal Charles character is awesome. So, why didn’t Todd Haley recognize that he should have been playing Charles over the decrepit Larry Johnson earlier in the year?

I guess it’s the same reason that he and Scott Pioli fell in love with Matt Cassel. Cassel took four sacks and tossed four picks against the Bills. This may lead you to believe that Cassel’s contract is worth only $4, but unfortunately, that’s not the case.

28. Cleveland Browns (2-11) – Previously: #32 – How ridiculous were those weather conditions in Cleveland? The wind chill was a negative number, the wind itself was blowing at 40 mph, and before the game, it looked like Matt Millen’s face was about to fall off. If only the Browns could play in this sort of weather all of the time.

Two things of note here:

1. As forum member TheBlackDahliaMurder pointed out, Cleveland’s quarterbacks have completed 8-of-36 pass attempts in the team’s two victories. Wow.

2. This was the worst victory in Browns franchise history. ESPN is reporting that Jake Locker will return to Washington for his senior season. Assuming the Rams don’t foolishly win any more games, they’ll obtain Jimmy Clausen, leaving the Browns with no options at quarterback.

Hey, Cleveland, ready for another season of Quinn and his girly armed throws that sail out of bounds if they’re past 10 yards? Sounds like a blast!

27. Oakland Raiders (4-9) – Previously: #23 – I liked the Raiders for four units, but if you would have told me that JaMarcus Russell would enter the game in the beginning of the third quarter, I wouldn’t have bet a single penny on Oakland. Sometimes, things just don’t go your way.

It was quite apparent that Russell wasn’t going to lead his team to victory. He was truly horrible. He couldn’t read the defense, he took tons of sacks, and he turned the ball over a few times.

If that’s not enough analysis for you…

Player Profile: JaMarcus Russell

Positives:
– Is a “great player,” according to his undead owner
– Throws a beautiful deep ball, even if it’s to the other team
– Works with a pretty playbook; instead of words, there are colors and shapes
– Has finally mastered the vaunted second-grade reading level!

Negatives:
– Needs help concealing pouches of Skittles on the sidelines
– Happens to be one of the dumbest human beings in the history of Western civilization
– Thinks that there only two types of defenses: “Ones that go stop run and ones that go stop pass.”
– Is responsible for quotes like: “I tink I did a good job. Do you tink so?”

26. Seattle Seahawks (5-8) – Previously: #25 – Well, at least the Seahawks scored against the Texans.

To cheer the Seattle fans up, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “Cutler= white trash prima donna with no talent whats so ever”

This guy= white trash forum poster with no grasp of the English language “whats so ever.”

2. “i didnt whin radiers fan i glad we lost we need to lose to prove John madden how lame he is..”

Unfortunately, all you’ve proven to John Madden is that you can’t spell or put coherent thoughts together.

3. “DONT LET THEM HAV MOMENTUM NEDD TO STOP THEM”

Don’t let this person near a computer until he masters 2nd-grade English! We nedd to stop him from embarrassing himself!

25. Chicago Bears (5-8) – Previously: #24 – I know he has nothing to work with, but Jay Cutler is out of control with his interceptions. It’s like he’s giving out candy on Halloween. “Who wants an interception? Here you go! Oh, what a great uniform! Here’s an interception for you!”

24. Carolina Panthers (5-8) – Previously: #22 – Chris Gamble accused Randy Moss of quitting in Sunday’s game. I was lucky enough to get Randy Moss to do an interview with me:

ME: Hey Randy, thanks for joining me.

MOSS: “How ya doin, homey?”

ME: I’m all right, thanks for asking. Let’s get right to it. You’ve been accused by media people and Carolina’s defensive backs for “shutting it down” during the game. What do you have to say about that?

MOSS: “I play when I want to play.”

ME: But aren’t you paid to play? Shouldn’t you always be trying hard based on the money you make?

MOSS: “Straight cash, homey. What’s 10 grand to me? Next time, I might just shake my d*** at them!”

ME: Ten grand? What are you talking about?

MOSS: “You’re askin me too many questions, homey.”

ME: But this is an interview. You’re supposed to ask questions in an interview.

MOSS: “I’ll answer questions when I wanna answer questions.”

ME: Well what do you want me to do?

MOSS: “…”

ME: What do you want me to do?

MOSS: “…”

ME: Hello?

MOSS: “…”

ME: Are you shutting it down on me? Is that what you’re doing?

MOSS: “…”

ME: You’ve cost me $440 and an interview. Screw you, homey.

23. Buffalo Bills (5-8) – Previously: #27 – Surprise, surprise. The new watered-down NFL Primetime failed to cover the Bills-Chiefs and Redskins-Raiders matchups.

You may point out that those games are irrelevant right now. That might be the case in the grand scheme of things, but there are many football fans out there who have Terrell Owens, Fred Jackson, Jamaal Charles, Santana Moss, etc. on their fantasy teams. Also, for degenerate gamblers like myself, a highlight package is always a nice refresher the day after watching the game.

Once again, I implore you to join this awesome Bring Back NFL Primetime Facebook Group.

I can’t stand this watered-down NFL Primetime anymore. I don’t want to hear anymore of Merril Hoge’s analysis:

“The factor back gets a seal here, a seal here, and a seal there, and that opens up an ALL-EY, and the factor back makes that other team play like a cashier!”

Someone shoot me now.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Denver Broncos (8-5). Previously: #11
12. Miami Dolphins (7-6). Previously: #15
13. Tennessee Titans (6-7). Previously: #14
14. New York Jets (7-6). Previously: #21
15. New York Giants (7-6). Previously: #13
16. Dallas Cowboys (8-5). Previously: #16
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7). Previously: #9
18. San Francisco 49ers (6-7). Previously: #18
19. Houston Texans (6-7). Previously: #20
20. Atlanta Falcons (6-7). Previously: #17
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6). Previously: #19
22. Washington Redskins (4-9). Previously: #26

1. Packers (3.5)
2. Ravens (3.5)
3. Steelers (3.6)
4. Eagles (3.7)
5. Bengals (3.8)
6. Jets (3.9)
7. Giants (3.9)
8. Vikings (4.0)
9. Dolphins (4.0)
10. Broncos (4.0)
11. Falcons (4.1)
12. Redskins (4.1)
13. Cowboys (4.1)
14. Colts (4.2)
15. Jaguars (4.2)
16. Seahawks (4.3)
17. Bears (4.4)
18. Chargers (4.4)
19. Saints (4.4)
20. Texans (4.4)
21. Titans (4.4)
22. 49ers (4.5)
23. Rams (4.5)
24. Browns (4.5)
25. Patriots (4.6)
26. Panthers (4.6)
27. Cardinals (4.7)
28. Chiefs (4.8)
29. Raiders (4.8)
30. Buccaneers (4.8)
31. Lions (4.9)
32. Bills (5.0)

1. Jets (5.2)
2. Broncos (6.1)
3. Bills (6.1)
4. Bengals (6.2)
5. Packers (6.2)
6. Colts (6.3)
7. Saints (6.5)
8. Steelers (6.7)
9. Panthers (6.7)
10. Eagles (6.8)
11. Ravens (6.8)
12. Chargers (6.8)
13. Cardinals (6.8)
14. Texans (6.9)
15. Bears (6.9)
16. Redskins (6.9)
17. Cowboys (7.0)
18. Vikings (7.0)
19. Patriots (7.0)
20. Giants (7.1)
21. Seahawks (7.1)
22. 49ers (7.1)
23. Jaguars (7.4)
24. Titans (7.6)
25. Buccaneers (7.6)
26. Rams (7.8)
27. Falcons (7.9)
28. Chiefs (7.9)
29. Dolphins (8.1)
30. Browns (8.2)
31. Lions (8.3)
32. Raiders (8.3)