2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 9
Week 8 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (7-0) – Previously: #1 – Some notes from the Monday night game:
   
   1. I thought the Falcons had to be nearly perfect in terms of turnovers (and things of that nature) if they wanted to win this game. Unfortunately, they blew too many opportunities. They had two missed field goals; a pick-six at the end of the first half; a Michael Jenkins dropped pass that brought up fourth down in Saints territory; a bobbled incompletion by Roddy White in the end zone; and a Matt Ryan tipped pass that was intercepted. One has to wonder how the Falcons even covered.
   
   2. If you watched this matchup, you know the answer to that. The Saints simply made tons of errors as well. One particular one I want to talk about was at the end of the game when New Orleans refused to kneel down when the team was up 11 with 1:40 remaining. The Falcons still had one timeout left, so they would have gotten the ball back with about 20 seconds left. But of course that’s not a big deal because Atlanta was down two possessions. You can’t score twice in 20 seconds with no timeouts.
   
   Instead, the Saints ran the ball. Not only did Mike Bell turn it over, center Jonathan Goodwin suffered what looked like a serious injury. New Orleans just outsmarted itself there.
   
   3. Speaking of Mike Bell, I don’t know why Sean Payton is obsessed with him. Pierre Thomas is clearly the superior runner, and you don’t need the stats to tell you that, though they won’t hurt your argument (Thomas: 14-91, TD; Bell: 17-49). Bell is a mediocre runner at best who is just benefiting from a great offensive line, while Thomas is capable of eluding defenders and breaking one at any moment. There is absolutely no reason why Bell should have received more carries than the Frenchman.
   
   4. What is up with Matt Ryan’s tendency to run into blitzers? He did this like 10 times Monday night. He just ran straight into the pass rush. It was pretty weird. He played very well otherwise (aside from the ugly pick-six).
   
   5. Mike Smith is known for his crazy eyebrows. Well, you can now say that he has major guts as well. Smith made a ballsy call by going for it on 4th-and-4 deep in Saints territory, down 28-21 with 14 minutes remaining in regulation. The Falcons converted, but later stalled and kicked a field goal anyway. Still, it was a decision that I wouldn’t have made.
   
   6. Brent Grimes, a short corner on the Falcons, came up with an insane interception in this contest. If you saw it, you know what I’m talking about. Grimes leaped what looked like 50 inches off the ground to snag a Drew Brees pass out of thin air. It looked like he jumped off a trampoline to get it. It was really amazing.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (7-0) – Previously: #2 – Peyton Manning somehow threw for 347 yards amid a pretty poor performance. At one point Sunday afternoon, I posted the following in the Live In-Games Thread on the forums:
   
   “Manning playing like a drunk. No offense to drunks.”
   
   Forum member Wraith immediately responded:
   
   “Manning playing like Kerry Collins. No offense to drunks.”
   
   Very true, Wraith, except that Collins would have been dishing out racial slurs as well.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) – Previously: #3 – A bye week for the Steelers, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “BRONCOS521 YOUR TEAM GOT TRASHED!!!! HEY YOUR MOM DID TOO WHILE SHE WAS GANGBANGED BY A BUNCH OF BIG BLACK MEN”
   
   She got trashed while the gangbanging was going on? Isn’t that kind of difficult? How does one drink tons of alcohol while having sex with a bunch of big black men? This is one impressive woman.
   
   2. “Wow the Razens whipped the you guys so bad they made yall look like little white pack mules, I knew they were more luck than Good, You sorry ole Mules LOL!!!!!”
   
   Who are the Razens, and why the little pack mules gotta be white? That’s racist!
   
   3. “Youngs legs are fresh at this point & that Kid alone make the Titans a monster to stop”
   
   Why did ESPN pay those big bucks to Emmitt when they could have had this “Kid” analysizing games for them? ESPN make big mistake as usually.
   
   
4. Minnesota Vikings (7-1) – Previously: #5 – Why was I more intrigued by Vince Young starting than Brett Favre coming back to Lambeau? (Probably because of Rebecca Grant and Alison Brie, but still).
   
   By the way, if I see one more e-mail saying, “Dude y do u h8 Brett Farve?” I’m going to debacle myself. I don’t hate Favre. I actually enjoy watching him play. I just lost a ton of respect for the man when he betrayed all the people who supported him for 16 years for simple and misguided revenge on Ted Thompson. Thompson did nothing wrong; it was all Favre’s fault for waffling on retirement every year. If I were Thompson, I would have done the same thing.
   
   I’ll go as far to say that if Favre helps the Vikings win their first Super Bowl, the Packers should retire Favre’s No. 4 jersey but list their former quarterback as “Traitor.”
   
   
5. New England Patriots (5-2) – Previously: #7 – The Patriots play the Dolphins this weekend, so now would be a good time to mention that words can’t describe my hatred for Ted Ginn Jr. Ginn has cost me $1,100 the past two weeks.
   
   Against the Saints, Ginn dropped numerous passes, including one that would have covered the game at the very end. Ginn also tipped a ball that ended up being intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
   
   This past Sunday, Ginn returned two successive kickoffs for touchdowns. The Jets out-gained the Dolphins, 376-104, yet lost and failed to cover the spread because of those two touchdowns, as well as a third by the defense.
   
   What did I do to Ginn to deserve this? Did I make fun of one of his relatives in the Jerks of the Week section? Did I sleep with his sister? Was his mom the woman who was gangbanged by the big black men?
   
   Well, whatever it is, I’m not apologizing. Ginn has screwed me out of a ton of money, so barring a full refund of $1,100, I’d like to announce that the entire Ginn family is no longer welcome at my house. Ha!
   
   
6. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – Previously: #8 – Speaking of that Ginn tipped pass that was returned for a touchdown, I commented last week that crooked official John Parry completely blew the call by not ruling that Darren Sharper fumbled before reaching the end zone. Parry even had the luxury of using instant replay, leading me to believe that he won at least $100,000 on the Saints covering the spread.
   
   Well, in case you think I’m a strange loon/conspiracy theorist, check out this picture for proof that John Parry fixed the Saints-Dolphins game.
   
   The ball is out of his hands at the 1-yard line, and the official is looking right at it. I really wonder what Parry bought with that $100,000. I hope whatever he bought crumbles into a million pieces. The Parry family is also no longer welcome at my house barring a refund of $500.
   
   
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-3) – Previously: #10 – Is Baltimore’s defense back, or is Kyle Orton that inept at getting the ball downfield? Could it be both? The Bengals game will be interesting, though I have to say that I’m pretty shocked the Ravens are favored by three. How did Vegas come up with that? Doesn’t Cincinnati have a better record than Baltimore? Didn’t Cincinnati beat Baltimore? Am I missing something here?
   
   Speaking of missing something, I enjoyed this e-mail from Tom R. who criticized Dick Stockton quite humorously:
   
   I think Dick Stockton is in love with Olindo Mare. Not only did he mention his name like 8 times during the game he pronounced his last name like a gay lover (not that there is anything wrong with that..lol).
   
   Unless I have missed something Olindo Mare’s last name is pronounced: Mar-AY
   
   Stockton kept pronouncing it: MUH-rAY.
   
   It p!ssed me off.
   
   Poor Dick Stockton. He still has a sparrow living in his hair and he keeps getting names wrong. A year ago, he called Al Horford “Tito Horford.” I guess Stockton used to have “close friends” named MUH-rAY and Tito. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
   
   
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-2) – Previously: #15 – Did anyone else find it ironic that Donovan McNabb donned rose-colored glasses during his press conference where he spoke about how much potential the Eagles offense has? Philly’s debaclation over the Giants was impressive, but let’s not forget that they’re just two weeks removed from scoring zero touchdowns against the Raiders.
   
   
9. Denver Broncos (6-1) – Previously: #6 – If I had to guess, this is the beginning of the end for the 2009 Broncos. Kyle Orton has finally become a liability; right tackle Ryan Harris is going to be out for a while; and the team’s old secondary should continue to wear down. Brian Dawkins cannot keep playing like this forever.
   
   Meanwhile, Eddie Royal had yet another disappointing game (2 catches, 10 yards). A few more losses for Denver, and I’ll be able to start criticizing how Josh McDaniels mishandles Royal.
   
   Hey… did you just see that? McDaniels, mishandles… those two words sound so similar! I’m thinking there might be a nickname in there, but I’m not quite sure… I’ll get back to you in a few weeks.
   
   
10. Arizona Cardinals (4-3) – Previously: #9 – My theory on how the Panthers beat the Cardinals by 13: Kurt Warner and Jake Delhomme decided to dress up as each other on Halloween. Delhomme, posing as Warner, tossed five picks and fumbled once. Warner, wearing a Delhomme costume, didn’t have to post monster numbers because his running game was working well for the first time ever.
    
    Tell me that this doesn’t make sense. In fact, it even sounds like the plot of a dumb ABC Family movie. All it’s missing is some fat 12-year-old kid who’s in the flick solely for comedy relief.

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7) – Previously: #31 – A bye week for the Buccaneers, so more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “GONKULATOR, HOW MANY SUPERBOWLS HAS THE EAGLES WON IN THEIR HISTORY? NONE BECAUSE THEY ARE LOSERS PRETENDING THEY CAN PLAY FOOTBALL & THE ONLY BALL THEY PLAY IS CALLED MASTERBATION!”

Easily one of the best quotes of all time. Because the Eagles “has” never won a Super Bowl, all they do is masturbate? Makes sense to me.

2. “The Cowboys are going to treat the eagles like a reddneck treat a chicken & S C R E W the H e c k out ya!!!!”

If you couldn’t tell, this was the same sick individual from the first quote. Once again, he makes no sense. In this analogy, he cites that “reddnecks” screw chicken. So, this guy assumes that the Cowboys are going to screw the Eagles? Is this before or after the Eagles masturbate?

3. “Warner came down with a case of Bird Flew today & was too sick to complete a decent pass against a lucky bunch of Aley Cats!!!”

Bird Flu or Bird Flew? Because if Kurt Warner suffered from Bird Flew, the coaching staff better begin looking for him on a tree branch somewhere.

31. Cleveland Browns (1-7) – Previously: #29 – Browns fans received the best news of the year when Jamal Lewis announced that he’ll be retiring following the conclusion of this season.

Just don’t get too excited guys; it would make sense for Eric Mangina to play his young running backs to see what he has for next year, but Mangina doesn’t possess that sort of logic. You’ll have to wait until next year to see a talented back start for your Browns. Just 10 more months!

30. Detroit Lions (1-6) – Previously: #25 – The Lions just lost to an 0-7 team, so I’ll use this space for my exclusive interview with Larry Johnson:

ME: Hey Larry, thanks for joining me. Sorry to hear about your suspension. Maybe you shouldn’t call your coach out like that next time.

JOHNSON: “Why? My dad played for the coach from Remember the Titans! Tom Haley never played for nobody! All he played for was his golf coach.”

ME: So? Bill Belichick and Jon Gruden never played in the NFL. And if your dad is so special, why is he not coaching in the NFL?

JOHNSON: “I have Denzel’s autograph! Tom Haley sucks! I’m an East Coast Cat!”

ME: It’s TODD Haley, but I’m more curious about your infatuation with calling yourself an East Coast Cat. You’ve never lived east of Penn State, which is more than 200 miles away from the East Coast. What makes you an East Coast Cat?

JOHNSON: “I’m an East Coast Cat! Don’t believe me, just ask any of my friends! All I have to do is give them $500 each for hanging out with me every night, and they say they can call me whatever I want them to as long as I got the dough! East Coast Cat in the house!”

ME: Wow, only $500 a night? I guess you can afford it when you’ve been stealing money from an NFL franchise for years.

JOHNSON: “You know what? You a faggot!”

ME: What an insult. What is your problem with gays, Larry? I know a few gays and they’re mostly decent people.

JOHNSON: “Ha! Only gay people know other gay people, so I was right! You a faggot!”

ME: You know, I think studies have shown that most homophobic people are actually homosexuals because they’re insecure with being gay.

JOHNSON: “I am not gay! OK, a few times at Penn State they asked me to participate in a gay porno and I did cuz I was curious. But then they measured my wang and said it wasn’t big enough. My measurement was 2.7 inches that day, but I swear it can be bigger! It was all the producer’s fault! My dad played for the coach from Remember the Titans! This producer never played for the coach from Remember the Titans! He’s a faggot!”

ME: I think I’m sensing a pattern here.

29. St. Louis Rams (1-7) – Previously: #32 – Silly Rams. Even when they win, they can’t do it right. They take a safety off an interception. They choose a cooler with no Gatorade in it to dump on Steve Spagnuolo. They kneel down one more time than they need to as the clock is ticking down.

Still, you have to feel good for Spagnuolo and especially Steven Jackson, who has been running hard in every game during this dubious losing streak.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6) – Previously: #30 – Good news for the Chiefs. They’ll actually have a talented running back carrying the ball this Sunday in Jamaal Charles. Larry Johnson has been suspended, and hopefully he’s done playing in Kansas City for good.

By the way, I loved Todd Haley’s analysis of Charles and why he’s finally going with the superior runner:

“He’s starting to get it.”

No, Todd, you’re just starting to get it. What sort of a coach benches his good players and continuously goes with his crappy ones? It makes no sense. I’m just upset that I can’t root for Haley to go 0-16. Stupid Redskins.

27. Oakland Raiders (2-6) – Previously: #28 – I’m so excited. We may have found our next Emmitt. JaMarcus Russell seems to put out gems every week. Not only are his quotes grammatically incorrect and logically flawed, they’re so egotistical that they’re pure gold.

Here’s what Russell said last week when a reporter asked him if he was to blame for the 38-0 loss to the Jets:

“I don’t think it’s me personally, I really don’t. It’s a bad combination of one guy doesn’t so somethin right one time and he doesn’t do… no, it all plays a… play… I personally don’t think it’s me… Do you think so?”

And now this week, when the media asked him to assess his performance:

“I did a pretty good job. When it all boils down to it, you had a chance at the end to try and win. Didn’t do too much damage with the interception.”

Who is “you?” Why did Russell say “you had a chance?” Does he think the reporters are part of the team? Is he playing football for the media?

Russell went 14-of-22 for 109 yards and a pick, so I think he’s selling himself short. He didn’t do a pretty good job; he did an outstanding job. Any time Russell doesn’t commit five or more turnovers in a game, the Raiders should consider themselves lucky.

26. Washington Redskins (2-5) – Previously: #26 – I don’t understand why Jim Zorn hasn’t quit yet. Can you imagine if your boss thought you were so incompetent that he hired a Bingo announcer to oversee your job? If you’re a lawyer and lost a couple of cases for your firm, would you be OK with a Bingo announcer making sure you didn’t lose another one? If you’re a salesman and your numbers are low, would you be comfortable with a Bingo announcer following you around so that your sales figures increase?

I don’t know why Zorn is putting up with this, but if I were him, I would have spit in Daniel Snyder’s face and stormed out of his office. Snyder could have at least shelled out more cash to get the guys from Get the Picture or Nick Arcade, but a Bingo announcer? That was completely disrespectful to Zorn.

25. Buffalo Bills (3-5) – Previously: #23 – So much for Ryan Fitzpatrick being the next Jim Kelly. Too bad. Anyway, let’s do a profile:

Coach Profile: Tom Cable

Positives:
– Gets respect from assistant coaches; if not, they will feel the wrath of the Cable Uppercut
– Will never be bossed around by any of his future wives
– Has a mental power to make women stay with him despite falling victim to many Cable Uppercuts
– Owns a sixth sense that tells him if a woman is cheating on him

Negatives:
– Owns a seventh sense that makes a woman pay when she cheats on him
– Looks like Barney Rubble
– Sometimes cannot pull off the Cable Uppercut; pressing forward and then down is difficult when drunk
– Will be coming after to me to give me a few Cable Uppercuts after reading this Coach Profile (assuming he can even read)


24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4) – Previously: #22 – As of Sunday evening, I hate the Jacksonville Jaguars. I’ll explain:

In my 2009 Titans Season Preview, I predicted that Tennessee would struggle this season, and that Vince Young would emerge as the starting quarterback by leading a comeback victory in a game. I targeted the Week 8 tilt versus Jacksonville as a strong possibility.

Lo and behold, Young was named the starter for that contest. On my NFL Picks page, I wrote the following: “I’m still sticking with what I said. Vince Young will lead a comeback victory in this game. Mark my words. If I’m right, I demand that a hot naked girl show up at my house as a reward (Rebecca Grant or Alison Brie would be preferable, but I’m not picky).”

So, what happened? Well, the Titans got out to a 13-0 lead. I thought my chances of having Young lead a comeback were nullified, but then the Jaguars scored two touchdowns! Comeback time, right?

Not so much. The stupid Jaguars failed to convert on their second extra point, meaning the score was 13-13 instead of 14-13 Jacksonville. From there, the Titans expanded that lead to 30-13. If they were behind by one, it technically would have been a comeback!

Just one stupid extra point ruined my chances of having Rebecca Grant and/or Alison Brie show up at my door! One f***ing extra point! I’m losing my mind here!

23. Tennessee Titans (1-6) – Previously: #27 – In one of the dumbest game plans of all time, Maurice Jones-Drew didn’t get a single touch until the 5:50 mark of the second quarter. What were Jack Del Rio and offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter thinking? Time for oddities!

12:1 – The owner’s going to draft Tim Tebow anyway, so why not put David Garrard in as many poor positions as possible to help convince the fan base that this is the right move?

8:1 – Getting the ball to your best players is stupid. Allowing your crappy players to touch the ball is the wiser move.

3:1 – They believed Vince Young would self-destruct on his own; they’re still wondering why he didn’t disappear with a loaded gun in the middle of the third quarter.

2:1 – They were pulling for me to get Rebecca Grant and/or Alison Brie to show up at my door. Nice effort guys, but your special teams unit sucks.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Houston Texans (5-3). Previously: #12
12. New York Giants (5-3). Previously: #4
13. Dallas Cowboys (5-2). Previously: #17
14. Atlanta Falcons (4-3). Previously: #11
15. Chicago Bears (4-3). Previously: #14
16. Green Bay Packers (4-3). Previously: #13
17. San Diego Chargers (4-3). Previously: #18
18. Miami Dolphins (3-4). Previously: #19
19. New York Jets (4-4). Previously: #16
20. San Francisco 49ers (3-4). Previously: #20
21. Carolina Panthers (3-4). Previously: #24
22. Seattle Seahawks (2-5). Previously: #21

1. Steelers (3.4)
2. Eagles (3.4)
3. Broncos (3.5)
4. Packers (3.5)
5. Dolphins (3.5)
6. Ravens (3.6)
7. 49ers (3.6)
8. Bengals (3.7)
9. Redskins (3.7)
10. Cardinals (3.8)
11. Vikings (4.0)
12. Bears (4.1)
13. Jets (4.1)
14. Rams (4.2)
15. Cowboys (4.3)
16. Chargers (4.3)
17. Falcons (4.4)
18. Panthers (4.4)
19. Seahawks (4.4)
20. Saints (4.5)
21. Texans (4.5)
22. Colts (4.6)
23. Giants (4.6)
24. Jaguars (4.6)
25. Buccaneers (4.7)
26. Titans (4.7)
27. Patriots (4.7)
28. Raiders (4.7)
29. Browns (4.8)
30. Chiefs (4.8)
31. Bills (5.1)
32. Lions (5.2)

1. Jets (5.0)
2. Colts (5.7)
3. Bills (5.9)
4. Saints (6.1)
5. Bears (6.2)
6. Broncos (6.3)
7. Redskins (6.3)
8. Patriots (6.3)
9. Steelers (6.4)
10. Panthers (6.5)
11. Eagles (6.6)
12. Packers (6.7)
13. Chargers (6.7)
14. Texans (6.9)
15. Cowboys (6.9)
16. Giants (7.0)
17. Seahawks (7.0)
18. Bengals (7.0)
19. Cardinals (7.0)
20. 49ers (7.2)
21. Vikings (7.4)
22. Falcons (7.4)
23. Jaguars (7.5)
24. Ravens (7.6)
25. Rams (7.6)
26. Browns (7.8)
27. Lions (7.8)
28. Raiders (7.9)
29. Chiefs (7.9)
30. Dolphins (8.2)
31. Titans (8.4)
32. Buccaneers (8.9)