2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 5
Week 4 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (4-0) – Previously: #2 – Coaching is a tough profession; people are always going to question you.
   
   For example, the Giants were up 27-3 in the fourth quarter. Despite the score, Eli Manning was still throwing the ball and consequently suffered a heel injury. I’m going to criticize Coughlin for that. Why wasn’t New York just running the clock out?
   
   Now, if the Giants just sat on the ball and allowed Matt Cassel to toss three touchdowns to get the backdoor cover, I would have bashed Coughlin for not being aggressive enough. But hey, I guess that’s why he gets the big bucks, right?
   
   By the way, Manning said Monday that his injury is “nothing to be worried about.” Believe me, I’m a hot-shot medical expert, and I’m just as confident as Eli is about his heel.
   
   
2. New Orleans Saints (4-0) – Previously: #3 – I love how the media is now chiming in, “Oh my garwsh, the Saints have a defense and it doesn’t seem like a fluke, ha-hyuck!”
   
   I don’t know why I just did my Marty Mornhinweg/Ron Jaworski impression, but it seemed appropriate.
   
   Quick note – despite ranking New Orleans behind the Giants, I stand by my preseason prediction that the Saints will be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl (against the Ravens).
   
   
3. Indianapolis Colts (4-0) – Previously: #5 – Nothing I write about the Colts can beat Chris Berman’s comments about them:
   
   “They have a waiter… a dog… and a color.”
   
   Classic Berman (referring to Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie and Donald Brown). Makes me miss the old NFL Primetime that much more. Don’t worry; there will be another NFL Primetime/anti-ESPN rant on my NFL Picks page this week.
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – Previously: #4 – Notes from the Steelers-Chargers game:
   
   1. I know Jamal Williams is out and Shawne Merriman isn’t 100 percent, but there’s no reason San Diego’s defense should be this bad. Rashard freaking Mendenhall looked like the second coming of Emmitt Smith for crying out loud. He debacled the Chargers pretty goodly.
   
   2. Speaking of the Chargers’ defense, Antonio Cromartie sucks. It seems like he gets whistled for pass interference or holding on every other play. At this point, Norv Turner should invest in a whip and lash Cromartie every time he gets flagged. That’ll teach him.
   
   3. San Diego held the ball for 7:08 in the first half. Said Norv Turner before the third quarter, “We need to hit short passes.” Gee, Norv. That’s it?
   
   4. I like Cris Collinsworth, but he said something silly Sunday night. He was talking about Ben Roethlisberger, and he said that we need to start looking at him as the fourth-best quarterback in the NFL behind Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Start looking? Roethlisberger has been up there for a while. Where have you been, Cris?
   
   5. With Herm Edwards gone, the top master motivators in the NFL right now have to be Mike Tomlin and Mike Singletary. The bottom line is if you can get Rashard Mendenhall and Vernon Davis to play hard, you can get anyone to give 110 percent. If Tomlin and Singletary were in charge of this country, I’m convinced that only the sick, disabled and elderly would be on welfare.
   
   
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – Previously: #1 – I’m not moving the Ravens down because of the loss; doing so would be sort of silly because if Mark Clayton hadn’t dropped a ball thrown to him on the numbers, Baltimore may have won the game.
   
   I said last week that I was looking for a flaw with Baltimore. Well, I think one became prevalent when the Ravens continuously allowed Tom Brady to march down the field on Sunday. The Ravens had trouble stopping the pass at San Diego, but I attributed that to the fact that they had to fly across the country. Brady struggled the past two weeks, but Baltimore couldn’t stop him.
   
   Also, the Ravens will have problems up front if Jared Gaither is out for a while. Fortunately, John Harbaugh stated that Gaither’s neck injury “wasn’t a serious type of thing.” It looked a lot worse.
   
   
6. Minnesota Vikings (4-0) – Previously: #8 – Notes from the Brett Favre-Brett Favre game:
   
   1. Matt Millen is a genius. He picked the Vikings to win this contest because “It’s all about the offensive line.” Yes, Matt, you were right, but where was this thinking when you were the general manager of the Lions!?!?!
   
   2. As Millen predicted, Aaron Rodgers had no help from his offensive line. Rodgers was sacked a whopping eight times (4.5 from Jared Allen). There’s no way the Packers are going to be able to win like this. I know Chad Clifton (or Kyle Clifton, as Millen called him) is coming back soon, but one man won’t solve all of the problems.
   
   3. I thought Green Bay had a great game plan going early on by having Rodgers throw tons of screens and quick short passes. For some reason they got away from that, which was confusing to me.
   
   4. This game lived up to the hype, and Brett Favre exceeded expectations of many. This contest actually felt like a divisional playoff matchup. It’ll be more fun when the Vikings visit Lambeau Field later in the year.
   
   5. Wendi Nix was on site at Brett Favre’s Steakhouse to get the fan reaction. Unless I miscounted, ESPN only went out to her once during the game. I would have gone to her after every play. Wendi is too hot to be ignored.
   
   6. If you missed any of ESPN’s analysis, here’s what it sounded like:
   
   “Brett Favre OMG OMG Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG Brett Favre OMG OMG Brett Favre Brett Favre OMG OMG OMG Wildcat Brett Favre OMG OMG OMG Brett Favre beat all 32 teams Brett Favre Tim Tebow Brett Favre OMG Brett Favre OMG 40’s the next 20 Brett Favre OMG OMG Brett Favre Brett Favre.”
   
   
7. New England Patriots (3-1) – Previously: #7 – Ray Lewis, as you may have saw, was outraged about the bogus late hits the Ravens were whistled for on Sunday. NBC’s Rodney Harrison wasn’t a fan of the officiating either, but he was more distraught than angry.
   
   “I can’t stand it,” Harrison said with a tear in his eye. “The quarterbacks get paid the most money and they protect them too much. I just can’t stand it.”
   
   Poor Rodney. All of the steroids caused his emotions to flare up.
   
   As for my take, I will agree that the officials did a poor job Sunday, but the rule itself is necessary. Football is a business, and a star quarterback is an owner’s greatest commodity. Take away that commodity, and the owner loses money. Sure, the spirit of the game is a bit ruined, but that’s not the issue here. The owners are in to make money. You can’t make as much money with your starting quarterback on IR.
   
   
8. New York Jets (3-1) – Previously: #6 – The Saints-Jets game was a tough one to predict. I had the Saints covering, but I’ll admit that I had my doubts.
   
   But with that said, there was one guy who was really confident in the Saints. In fact, his reasoning and logic were so astute that his selections may be replacing mine on the NFL Picks page soon.
   
   Who is this man? Well, I’m not exactly sure. He may be a woman for all I know. But I found him commenting on NFL.com’s new crappy Game Center page a week ago. Here was his analysis of the Jets-Saints contest:
   
   “your right def. does win thats why the saints will win cause MARK.SANDHEAD is a rokie think ppl!! he has never seen the dome ROCK!! and we WILL GET TO HIM !!we ARE !10TH IN DEF. AND frist IN OFF. what is your RANK haahahahaah all you got is def. with a team like da saints YOU NEED OFF. AND DEF. think about it”
   
   Oh, I thought about it, and I’ve discovered that with nicknames like MARK.SANDHEAD, this man is not only a genius; he is an awesome comedian as well.
   
   
9. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) – Previously: #9 – The Bengals struggled to beat the Browns, but I expected them to. Carson Palmer has been really clutch in fourth quarters this season.
   
   That said, I’m a bit disappointed in Ochocinco. Ochocinco had two touchdowns, but earlier in the week on PTI, he promised Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser that he would be fined by the NFL for his chin strap this week and would match that fine with a donation to breast cancer research. Ochocinco wasn’t fined. But say what you want about the sanity of No. 85; deep down inside, he’s a good guy.
   
   
10. San Francisco 49ers (3-1) – Previously: #10 – If Matt Hasselbeck stays injured and Kurt Warner continues to struggle with his bum hip, the 49ers should be able to clinch the NFC West title by Halloween. If that happens, it’s a good thing San Francisco has Mike Singletary as its coach. If he sees the team slacking off, Singletary will use his psychic powers to force his players to climb a mountain or rescue some people from a volcano or something.
    
    

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4) – Previously: #28 – The 49ers came out as flat as I thought they would, but it didn’t even matter because the Rams gave the game away with three defensive touchdowns. It’s sad, but San Francisco could have kneeled down on every offensive play and they still would have won and covered the spread with a 21-0 victory.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-4) – Previously: #31 – The Chiefs paid $63 million to Matt Cassel this offseason. If Scott Pioli wasn’t so incredibly inept, I’d be convinced that he meant to give Cassel a check for just $63 (based solely on how he has played thus far), but accidentally nodded off and fell asleep on the “zero” button. It’s a good thing he rolled over before he gave Cassel $630 quadrillion.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) – Previously: #30 – Giving Clifton Smith the ball on the final drive (and watching him fumble it away) epitomized everything Raheem Morris has done so far. He chose the wrong quarterback by going with Byron Sandwich over Luke McCown; he spent way too much money on bum Michael Clayton; and he instituted a stupid 2-2-1 RBBC rotation that didn’t make any sense. Where did Clifton Smith fit into that rotation, Raheem?

So, what did Raheem tell the media after the game concerning his decision? Because I didn’t listen to the press conference, time for oddities!

6:1 – Nothing; he told reporters he would only answer two questions this week, two questions next week and one question the following week.

3:1 – Nothing; it was past his bedtime.

3:1 – Nothing; his minuscule salary doesn’t cover press conferences. Because the Glazers are concentrating on their new European soccer team, they can only afford to pay Morris $8 an hour with no overtime.

3:1 – Nothing; there was no press conference because the Glazers asked Morris to alphabetize all of the players on their soccer team.

29. Cleveland Browns (0-4) – Previously: #32 – When previewing the Browns-Bengals game, Chris Berman said, “This is a rare home game for Cleveland.”

It took me a while to realize what he meant. In the meantime, I was wondering if the Browns were really some mid-major college football team that had to resort to playing all of its games on the road because it couldn’t schedule any at home.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-3) – Previously: #29 – Funny report from Rotoworld:

The Raiders are reportedly bracing themselves for the possibility that head coach Tom Cable could soon be arrested for his training camp fight with former assistant Randy Hanson.

After the game, Cable stated that he plans on standing by JaMarcus Russell. Translation: “The owner is making me start Russell. If I don’t, he will suck my blood and sacrifice my daughter. But whatevs, I’m going to prison soon anyway.”

27. Washington Redskins (2-2) – Previously: #27 – Under the Jets write-up, I gave you a quote from NFL.com’s new crappy Game Center. Here are two more humorous quotes from the Redskins-Buccaneers thread:

“Well the “red” racist Washington team snatched victory from jaws of defeat. In perspective, I think Tampa fans should sue for refund of tickets.. they paid to see a professional game.. just like the deadskins”

Interesting proposal – only it would be hard for Bucs fans to ask for a refund, seeing as how the game was in Washington.

“BOOM BAM WE WIN O YEA NEXT UP PANTHERS!”

BOOM BAM? We’re a “POW” short of an old Batman cartoon.

26. Detroit Lions (1-3) – Previously: #26 – The Lions finally get a win, yet their star quarterback injures his knee in the next game. Matthew Stafford should be OK, but Detroit should just draft Jimmy Clausen/Sam Bradford this April because Stafford is doomed to get hurt or bust. Actually, William Clay Darth Sidious Ford should just change his team’s logo from a roaring lion to someone urinating on an Indian burial ground. There has to be some sort of explanation for this team’s five decades of bad luck.

25. Carolina Panthers (0-3) – Previously: #25 – The Panthers had a bye, so I can’t make fun of Jake Delhomme this week. Instead, I’ll use this space for my exclusive interview with current Raiders coach/future convict Tom Cable:

ME: Hey Tom, thanks for joining me. I want to start off by asking, why aren’t you giving the ball to your best runner, Michael Bush? I know he fumbled yesterday, but you weren’t giving him enough touches before that either.

CABLE: “CABLE UPPERCUT!”

ME: Whoa, dude, why did you try to hit me?

CABLE: “Oh, sorry. I thought you were my stupid assistant. Here, I have a present for you.”

ME: Wow, thanks. Wait, what is this? This is a napkin with some crayon drawings I can’t really make out.

CABLE: “Shhh… it’s our secret play!”

ME: Secret play? Oh wait, I can make out a few words here: “DHB RUN,” “JEMARKUS THROW,” “BOOOOM! BAAAM!” “TOUCHDOWWN!”

CABLE: “I told you to keep this a secret! ”

ME: Why is this a secret? You do this every week and it doesn’t work…

CABLE: “RAWR! Now, you’ll pay! Shoryu-ken!”

ME: Holy s***t, dude! Why are you throwing blue fireballs at me?

CABLE: “Shoryu-ken! Shoryu-ken! Shoryu-ken! Shoryu-ken! Shoryu-ken! Shoryu-ken!”

ME: Ugh, so you’re one of those annoying people who keeps doing that? I’m getting out of here.

24. Buffalo Bills (1-3) – Previously: #22 – The Bills were just debacled by the Dolphins, so it seems like a good time for…

Player Profile: Trent Edwards

Positives:
– Is smart; went to Stanford
– Is cool; has spiky/wavy hair
– Throws a killer checkdown to Marshawn Lynch or Fred Jackson
– Happens to be popular enough to have a song written about him

Negatives:
– Sometimes plays the position as if he were color-blind
– Is too lazy to finish final drives in crucial games, setting up his kicker with a difficult attempt
– Throws such poor deep passes that the opposing corners get confused and shush the home crowd
– Doesn’t make enough money to support all the Bills coaches who will be fired soon

23. Tennessee Titans (0-4) – Previously: #18 – Trailing 30-3 to the Jaguars in a must-win game? Wow.

By the way, I wrote the following in my 2009 Tennessee Titans Season Preview:

The decline of the defense will also impact the offense; without as many leads, Kerry Collins will be asked to win games instead of just to manage them. He turns 37 during the regular season and hasn’t maintained a YPA greater than 6.5 since 2005, so that could be too much for him to handle. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked at all if Vince Young supplants Collins in the middle of the year and leads a winning drive against a mediocre opponent (Jacksonville in Week 8?)

I hate to brag, but I am like super awesome.

In all seriousness, I know it’ll ruin my prediction, but Jeff Fisher probably needs to make the change earlier than that. Young’s not any good, but the Titans need the same sort of spark the Dolphins got by going to Chad Henne.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Chicago Bears (3-1). Previously: #14
12. Denver Broncos (4-0). Previously: #20
13. Atlanta Falcons (2-1). Previously: #11
14. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1). Previously: #15
15. San Diego Chargers (2-2). Previously: #12
16. Green Bay Packers (2-2). Previously: #13
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2). Previously: #24
18. Houston Texans (2-2). Previously: #17
19. Seattle Seahawks (1-3). Previously: #16
20. Dallas Cowboys (2-2). Previously: #19
21. Arizona Cardinals (1-2). Previously: #21
22. Miami Dolphins (1-3). Previously: #23

1. Ravens (2.7)
2. Titans (2.8)
3. Cardinals (2.9)
4. Dolphins (3.1)
5. Broncos (3.1)
6. Eagles (3.4)
7. Vikings (3.5)
8. Saints (3.5)
9. 49ers (3.5)
10. Steelers (3.5)
11. Packers (3.5)
12. Bengals (3.9)
13. Bears (3.9)
14. Raiders (4.0)
15. Rams (4.0)
16. Jets (4.2)
17. Jaguars (4.2)
18. Colts (4.2)
19. Redskins (4.2)
20. Chiefs (4.4)
21. Patriots (4.7)
22. Buccaneers (4.8)
23. Chargers (4.8)
24. Bills (4.9)
25. Cowboys (5.0)
26. Falcons (5.0)
27. Giants (5.1)
28. Lions (5.2)
29. Panthers (5.3)
30. Seahawks (5.3)
31. Texans (5.4)
32. Browns (5.5)

1. Jets (4.1)
2. Giants (4.7)
3. Broncos (5.6)
4. Colts (5.7)
5. Bills (5.9)
6. Saints (5.9)
7. 49ers (6.0)
8. Steelers (6.3)
9. Redskins (6.3)
10. Texans (6.5)
11. Bears (6.7)
12. Bengals (6.7)
13. Falcons (6.8)
14. Browns (6.9)
15. Patriots (6.9)
16. Panthers (7.1)
17. Seahawks (7.2)
18. Raiders (7.3)
19. Chargers (7.3)
20. Packers (7.4)
21. Vikings (7.4)
22. Cowboys (7.6)
23. Lions (7.6)
24. Jaguars (7.7)
25. Chiefs (7.7)
26. Ravens (7.8)
27. Cardinals (8.0)
28. Eagles (8.0)
29. Rams (8.0)
30. Titans (8.7)
31. Dolphins (8.7)
32. Buccaneers (8.8)