2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 2
Week 1 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) – Previously: #1 – You never hear anyone say, “I wish I had a friend who was accused of rape/sexual assault.” Well, I wish I had a friend who was accused of rape/sexual assault. If I did, they probably would have told me that Ben Roethlisberger would be too distracted to play well outside of the 2-minute drill. That cost me four units. Damn it, why can’t I have any friends who are accused of rape or sexual assault? It’s just not fair.
   
   
2. Baltimore Ravens (1-0) – Previously: #2 – The curse of owning a football site – I loved Joe Flacco as a quarterback sleeper this summer, but I was only able to get him in one league because some of my co-owners printed out my cheat sheet. Two weeks ago, one guy even told me that he won’t even field any offers for Flacco. Sucked for me because I need a backup for Donovan McNabb. I have to go with Shaun Hill until McNabb comes back. D’oh.
   
   
3. New York Giants (1-0) – Previously: #3 – So much for not having any receivers; Steve Smith and Mario Manningham looked fine to me yesterday, and Hakeem Nicks will be a factor once he’s healthy. And it’s not like wideout is a position of high importance in real (not fantasy) football anyway.
   
   By the way, awesome quote by Tiki Barber after the game when he was interviewing Eli Manning: “You’ve had to step up in your role as a leader, which you didn’t have to do before because of your run game.”
   
   Eli looked at Barber like he wanted to punch him in the face. Barber was basically saying, “I was around to make you look good for all of these years, but now that I’m gone, you’re finally stepping up! Attaboy!”
   
   Makes me want to punch Tiki myself, but he’d probably confuse me with some of his made-up words if I tried to do so.
   
   
4. San Diego Chargers (1-0) – Previously: #4 – The Chargers now have 12 consecutive victories over the Raiders. According to Merril Hoge, San Diego will ultimately win 22 over Oakland (he said this on the new crappy NFL Primetime). Don’t get too cocky, Chargers fans – Hoge also said that losing Brian Urlacher is the same as losing Tom Brady. Quarterback… middle linebacker… Meh.
   
   By the way, shame on Mike Greenberg for saying that Darren Sproles “put the charge back in the Chargers” during the Monday night telecast. Mike’s a professional, so let’s pretend I misheard that one.
   
   
5. New Orleans Saints (1-0) – Previously: #7 – You can make money betting on football because most of the public is misinformed. The public is misinformed because the media doesn’t do its homework.
   
   For example, 610 WIP morning host Angelo Cataldi said this morning, “The Saints’ defense stinks. They gave up 27 points to the Detroit Lions.” Um, no. Fourteen of those points came via Detroit’s defense and special teams. New Orleans’ vastly underrated stop unit really yielded only 13 points.
   
   Despite that error, I’m a fan of Cataldi’s, and I’m bringing him up because he made a really funny comment about Dick Stockton, who called the Eagles-Panthers game. Cataldi is convinced that there is a sparrow living in Stockton’s hair. He says that a sparrow flew over Stockton, noticed a nest on Stockton’s head, settled into it, and began to lay eggs in his hair.
   
   The crazy thing is, if I learned there was indeed a sparrow living in Stockton’s hair, my reaction would be, “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”
   
   
6. Indianapolis Colts (1-0) – Previously: #8 – Yet another close Jaguars-Colts game. Amazingly, 13 of the last 15 meetings between the two teams have been decided by eight points or less, though Indianapolis is 11-4 straight up. Peyton Manning and Jack Del Rio were chatting it up like they were great buddies before the game, so I’m beginning to think that Manning simply takes it easy on Jacksonville. That, or maybe he feels sorry for a franchise that can’t sell out any games.
   
   
7. New England Patriots (1-0) – Previously: #5 – For all you seasoned AFC East fans, the Patriots-Bills matchup was a precise cross between three games:
   
   1. The 2002 Patriots-Dolphins Week 17 battle (the manner in which New England came back was similar because like Buffalo, Miami screwed up on a kickoff)
   
   2. The 2003 Patriots-Bills clash (Buffalo brought more intensity because New England dealt one of its core veterans a week beforehand)
   
   3. The 2007 Buffalo-Dallas Monday nighter (the Bills had it wrapped up, but blew a lead late in the game).
   
   Yeah, I have a good memory.
   
   But as for the Patriots, I’m very concerned. Tom Brady did not have solid pass protection in this game. Also, whenever he went deep, he was off the mark. And let’s not forget how the defense let Trent Edwards and Fred Jackson march down the field for an important score. I understand why getting a potential top-five pick for Richard Seymour was important for the long haul, but it seems like New England sacrificed a chance to win the Super Bowl this year.
   
   
8. Green Bay Packers (1-0) – Previously: #9 – Some Packers notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. This was a bad beat. The game was close throughout, but Aaron Rodgers had to go for the touchdown instead of the field goal. The ensuing 2-point conversion debacled my half unit. Because it was only a half unit and because I got lucky with the Ravens and Redskins covering late, I won’t complain.
   
   2. Speaking of Rodgers, he has arrived as a clutch fourth-quarter quarterback. Packers fans are thrilled. His fantasy owners are not (Rodgers was 17-of-28, 184 yards, TD).
   
   3. This game was a reminder of how awesome of a defensive coordinator Dom Capers is. Unfortunately, we’re almost at the point where another team will hire Capers as a head coach. That squad will ultimately have to sit through his boring “motivational” pre-game speeches: “Hey guys, let’s go win. Let’s do it. Come on.”
   
   4. Allen Barbre – Epic fail. Now, if only we could somehow get Barbre to protect Jake Delhomme’s blind side… the opposing fantasy defense would score 50 points each week at the bare minimum.
   
   
9. Atlanta Falcons (1-0) – Previously: #10 – Considering that the Dolphins committed four turnovers, the Falcons should have won by more than 12. Matt Ryan needs to get his timing down with his receivers before Atlanta plays New England in Week 3. In the meantime, more turnovers will come against Jake Delhomme next Sunday.
   
   With nothing more to say about the Falcons, here are my Bears notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. Don’t be so quick to condemn Jay Cutler. He made some poor decisions on Sunday night, repeatedly throwing late across his body over the middle of the field. Cutler knows better than that. I just have to believe that he was trying too hard to carry his new team, perhaps forgetting that he actually has a really good defense to support him.
   
   2. Cutler was responsible for two of the picks. The receivers were at fault for the other two. The real concern for Chicago’s offense is the errors the wideouts continuously made Sunday night. I don’t care who the quarterback is; if the receivers keep cutting their routes off, he’ll toss a bunch of picks.
   
   3. Brian Urlacher is out for the year with a dislocated wrist. Two of Chicago’s practice squad players are also out with an ingrown toe nail and hurt feelings. Seriously, a dislocated wrist knocking someone as tough as Urlacher out for the year? Was the wrist so dislocated that it fell off Urlacher’s arm and missed the flight home to Chicago? I don’t get it. I’m not questioning Urlacher’s toughness. I just don’t get it.
   
   4. Note to Lovie Smith and Ron Turner: The screen pass to Matt Forte can be your friend.
   
   
10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0) – Previously: #12 – Major dap to ESPN’s NFL Primetime for showing a whopping two highlights of the Seattle-St. Louis game. Later in the year, they won’t even mention a contest like this.
    
    In case you’re not sure what’s going on, this is my weekly anti-ESPN/NFL Primetime rant. The old NFL Primetime with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson was awesome. Now, it absolutely blows. Even the great NFL Primetime trademark music was gone this week. They had it on the Blitz last night, so it’s not like someone accidentally deleted the MP3s over the summer or something.
    
    I’m going to comment on this every week until ESPN brings back the old NFL Primetime. I’ve been doing this for three years, and from the e-mails I’ve received, lots of people agree with me. I will never quit until ESPN stops screwing over its viewers. Never give up. Never surrender!
    
    

32. St. Louis Rams (0-1) – Previously: #27 – In my Week 1 NFL Game Recaps, I said that if Marc Bulger were a race horse, he’d be in a glue factory by now. I wonder what would happen if someone told QB Dog Killer that Bulger is a race horse. Would he try to drown Bulger in his pool? Would he attach jumper cables to Bulger’s no-no special place and electrocute him? The possibilities really are endless.

31. Cleveland Browns (0-1) – Previously: #25 – I really have nothing to say here. I thought the Browns had a good chance to beat the Vikings, but on Sunday afternoon, I discovered how awful Brady Quinn is. In honor of how Cleveland’s crappiness, I’m going to show you what I’m copying over (using an old power rankings page as a template):

Well, the good news is that the Browns lost by only two touchdowns this week. The bad news is that they haven’t scored an offensive touchdown in five weeks! Said Romeo Crennel after the game, “Nom nom nom, Oreos, nom nom nom.”

30. Detroit Lions (0-1) – Previously: #28 – Last year, the Lions lost to the Saints by a score of 42-7. On Sunday, they lost 45-27. Big improvement! If Detroit keeps getting better, owner William Clay Darth Sidious Ford will be forced to raise ticket prices.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) – Previously: #32 – Introducing, the new Player Profiles!

Player Profile: Brodie Croyle

Positives:
– Only Chiefs quarterback who can play in a pro-style offense
– Only Chiefs quarterback who doesn’t throw like a 12-year-old girl
– Looks like Ringo Starr

Negatives:
– Bones are made of Popsicle sticks
– Joints are connected by Elmer’s Glue
– Brilliant GM doesn’t believe in him and has given $60 million to a guy who can’t match any of Croyle’s three positive traits

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) – Previously: #31 – I have film of Byron Leftwich. I also have a stopwatch, and I’m going to time how long it takes for him to throw the ball. OK… ready, go! 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… While this is going on, I’d like to discuss something. (11… 12…) I wanted to buy the most recent season of How I Met Your Mother. It’s a great show, but I’m behind because I watch football on Monday night, and tape Chuck and Heroes upstairs (34… 35… 36…)

With another VCR, I can tape this now too, so I wanted to catch up. However, I learned that the most recent season doesn’t come out until the 29th. So, what’s the big deal? The new season starts before the DVD release! Good going, douche bags! I’m never going to be able to catch up and watch your show live!

So, that’s my rant. I feel like I should be doing something else instead of talking about DVD releases, but I can’t remember what. Hmm… Oh, the stop watch! I’m already at two minutes and the ball is still in Leftwich’s hands. I give up; this is taking way too long.

27. Denver Broncos (1-0) – Previously: #29 – The Broncos didn’t deserve to win, so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Josh McDaniels.

ME: Josh, thanks for joining me! Congratulations on your first victory.

MCDANIELS: “Thank you. Like O-M-G, what a super awesome play that I designed. Josh McDaniels, for the win!”

ME: You designed that play? Looked like a fluke to me.

MCDANIELS: “No way, Jose. I like totally made that play up! My awesome quarterback throws it to my awesome receiver, but the defender tips it into my other awesome receiver’s hands. That’s easy! Josh McDaniels, for the win!”

ME: If you can design plays like that, why couldn’t you score a touchdown until then?

MCDANIELS: “Like, duh! I want to win in the most dramatic ways possible, so people know how awesome I am. Josh McDaniels, for the win!”

ME: Can you stop saying that?

MCDANIELS: “Stop saying what?”

ME: “Josh McDaniels, for the win.”

MCDANIELS: “L-O-L, I know right! Josh McDaniels for the win for sure!”

ME: No, I didn’t mean it that way!

MCDANIELS: “Didn’t mean what in what way?”

ME: “Josh McDaniels for the win” actually being for the win.

MCDANIELS: “O-M-G, you know how awesome I am. You’re saying I am for the win twice!”

ME: Wow, now I can see why Jay Cutler wanted out of Denver.

26. Buffalo Bills (0-1) – Previously: #30 – Buffalo’s season is basically over. The Bills put forth their best effort against a Patriots squad that was incredibly flat in the wake of the Richard Seymour trade (I said they would be flat in the NFL Picks page). They had a 24-13 lead, and the defense, offensive line and Leodis McKelvin blew it. I don’t see how Buffalo can come back from this.

For more on Buffalo’s epic debaclation, a forum member is fully convinced that God hates the Buffalo Bills.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) – Previously: #23 – I talked about how close the Colts-Jaguars games usually are in the top 10. Here’s another stat: Since the inception of the AFC South, Jacksonville is 1-6 against the spread as a favorite after playing the Colts since 2002. Maybe the Jaguars should focus on the games they can actually win, so they’ll – I don’t know – actually make the playoffs two years in a row. Putting all of your stock into two contests a year clearly isn’t working.

24. Oakland Raiders (0-1) – Previously: #24 – This is potentially the last week the Raiders will be in my Bottom 10 for a while. I was very impressed with their running game and rush defense. The secondary also did a very good job of course. Oh, and Richard Seymour is a beast; he dominated San Diego’s offensive line from every position.

Seymour looked like he was everywhere on the field. Perhaps that’s because there were two Seymours. Check out this piece of evidence from NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter (Please tell NFL.com how much the new NFL.com GameCenter sucks here.)



23. Carolina Panthers (0-1) – Previously: #22 – What’s going on with Jake Delhomme? Nine interceptions in two games? How does this happen? Time for oddities!

1:5,000,000,000,000 – Delhomme is obviously throwing the game because his son has been kidnapped, and the kidnappers are betting against him. Duh!

5:1 – (From B-Game 17) Mike Vick took Delhomme’s kid and dogs. He then said the only way to get them back is to absolutely blow the game and make sure somehow that McNabb gets hurt.

3:1 – In addition to his kid, Delhomme’s uncle-in-law has also been kidnapped. Oh, the horror.

EVEN – Everyone Delhomme knows has been kidnapped. His kid. His uncle-in-law. His unborn grandson. His mail lady. That kid from Geek Squad who fixed his computer. Now, Delhomme is going to get them back by throwing one game at a time. Can he throw enough games to convince the kidnappers to return everyone he knows? Stay tuned.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tennessee Titans (0-1). Previously: #11
12. Minnesota Vikings (1-0). Previously: #13
13. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0). Previously: #17
14. Dallas Cowboys (1-0). Previously: #19
15. Chicago Bears (0-1). Previously: #6
16. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1). Previously: #15
17. Washington Redskins (0-1). Previously: #16
18. New York Jets (1-0). Previously: #21
19. Miami Dolphins (0-1). Previously: #20
20. San Francisco 49ers (1-0). Previously: #26
21. Houston Texans (0-1). Previously: #14
22. Arizona Cardinals (0-1). Previously: #18

1. Cardinals (1.2)
2. Titans (1.6)
3. Ravens (1.7)
4. Saints (1.8)
5. Packers (2.5)
6. Jaguars (2.7)
7. Eagles (2.7)
8. Jets (2.7)
9. Bills (2.9)
10. 49ers (2.9)
11. Dolphins (3.0)
12. Broncos (3.2)
13. Giants (3.4)
14. Bears (3.6)
15. Raiders (3.6)
16. Steelers (3.7)
17. Bengals (3.8)
18. Redskins (3.8)
19. Patriots (3.8)
20. Vikings (4.1)
21. Seahawks (4.2)
22. Chargers (4.2)
23. Lions (4.5)
24. Colts (4.6)
25. Falcons (4.6)
26. Texans (4.8)
27. Chiefs (4.9)
28. Rams (5.0)
29. Buccaneers (5.1)
30. Panthers (5.3)
31. Browns (6.0)
32. Cowboys (6.1)

1. Eagles (4.3)
2. Colts (4.4)
3. Panthers (4.4)
4. Jets (5.0)
5. Browns (5.2)
6. Seahawks (5.3)
7. Saints (5.5)
8. Bengals (5.8)
9. Vikings (5.9)
10. Falcons (6.1)
11. Dolphins (6.4)
12. 49ers (6.6)
13. Bears (6.6)
14. Cowboys (6.7)
15. Cardinals (6.7)
16. Steelers (7.0)
17. Raiders (7.0)
18. Chargers (7.0)
19. Bills (7.1)
20. Chiefs (7.1)
21. Ravens (7.4)
22. Broncos (7.5)
23. Packers (7.7)
24. Rams (7.8)
25. Jaguars (7.9)
26. Giants (8.1)
27. Titans (8.4)
28. Patriots (8.5)
29. Texans (8.8)
30. Redskins (8.8)
31. Buccaneers (9.5)
32. Lions (10.5)