2013 Random College Football Notes

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

Random College Football Notes, Week 17:

1. I’ve always maintained that bowl games are meaningless. We just saw Washington State and Colorado State play a thrilling contest in the Gildan New Mexico Bowl. But what does that win mean for Colorado State? What do the Rams get besides some trophy? They beat a 6-6 team, whoop dee freaking doo.

For some reason though, fans of their favorite college team like the bowls. I’ll never understand it, but that’s how it is. Unfortunately, there is one man who is capable of ruining any fan’s bowl experience. Check out this reaction by Form when he found out who the color analyst would be in the Texas Tech bowl:

Poor Form! He’s going to spend nearly four hours listening to a husky man discuss kielbasas, young stallions and 100-percent USDA Men. If he’s lucky, he’ll hear Millen point out only three players he’d like to ride all night long.

2. I received an e-mail from Aaron M., a fan of the site, who asked me to change the Ole Miss mascot. Aaron, an Ole Miss student, pointed out that I’m using the old Colonel Reb mascot in my 2014 NFL Mock Draft:

For those of you who don’t know, Ole Miss changed its logo because it deemed this Colonel Reb to be racist, since he reminded everyone of a southern plantation owner. Well, I hate it when there are logo changes because of race implications – check out my rant about the Redskins team name controversy – so I’m obviously in favor of keeping Colonel Reb.

Besides, I never thought of a plantation owner when I looked at Colonel Reb. He reminded me of my drunken uncle – I call him my “druncle” – because he sometimes gets so wasted that he thinks he’s still in the army. It’s quite amusing to me – as long as he doesn’t get yet another DUI – so I’ll always be fond of Colonel Reb.

3. One NBA note: I don’t ever wish anyone outside of QB Dog Killer to get hurt, but I can’t say I was too upset when Kobe Bryant went down recently. Not that I was praying for him to get injured or anything, but I was sick and tired of SportsCenter dedicating 30 minutes of each broadcast discussing why Bryant isn’t somehow leading the Lakers to a possible NBA championship. Umm… because he’s old and happens to be coming off a torn Achilles extremely prematurely? Derp dee derp.

I was never a fan of Bryant. He’s always come off like a smug douche bag, so this makes it worse. I didn’t think Bryant would return until April at the earliest. A torn Achilles is not something anyone should rush back from, yet he arrogantly just brushed it off with a wry smile, as he just assumed that he could return early because he assumes that he’s better than everyone else.

Of course, part of the reason I hate Kobe is SportsCenter. They showed highlights of his first game back against Toronto, and even though the Raptors won, ESPN didn’t show a single offensive highlight of theirs. Not one. It was all Kobe. That pretty much epitomized how utterly insufferable SportsCenter has become.

Oh, and these weren’t just any highlights. Stuart Scott read them. During Kobe’s shots, he said things like “Young fella, wuzz my name” and “Swag all day long.” Swag all day long? He had nine points and eight turnovers! How the hell is that “Swag all day long?” What does that even mean anyway?

In short, Kobe sucks now. He’s done. I was looking forward to betting against him, but he’s out. So that’s another reason to hate him.

I’m going to post my NBA Picks once the NFL season is over.

Random College Football Notes, Week 16:

1. I can’t find who sent this to me, but I received the following message on Facebook or via G-chat:

I’m sure this will appear in your random college football notes at some point, but did you hear that Ohio’s governor has boycotted the letter M this week? Reading the comments on ESPN, I found the best comeback off all time via some Ohio State fan. “Why not, The Wlverines have seemingly boycotted an “O” in many games this year. And for most of this millennium for that matter.”


Seriously though, I’ve found that butt-hurt boycotts like this seldom work. Remember when our government wanted to rename French fries “Freedom fries” because they were pissed at the French for doing something stupid? Yeah, that went over really well. Was there a single French person who heard about this and said, “Sacre bleu, zee American no like French people anymore, so I must chop off my pee-pee, haw haw!?”

Of course not – just like no one in Michigan cared that Ohio people were no longer using the letter M.

It got me thinking though, what if an Ohio State fan was officiating a funeral that week, and the person who died was named Mario Migelini or something? Would he be that much of a dick and call him Ario Igelini?

2. As you may know, I am a degenerate gambler. I bet a couple of units on Florida International over Florida Atlantic a couple of weeks ago, as most degenerate gamblers would do. I found the game on one of the ESPN networks and decided to watch. I noticed that one player on Florida Atlantic embarrassed himself in coverage. I waited until he turned around so I could see what his name was. It was “Fau.”

Fau? What kind of name is Fau? Well, a fairly common one in Florida Atlantic, apparently, because every single player had “Fau” on the back of his jersey.

It took me a minute to realize what was going on. “Ohhhh… FAU… as in Florida Atlantic University!” Derp!

This pissed me off a bit – and not just because this confused me. Something like this is very stupid. First of all, anyone scouting the game has to look at the roster to see what number everyone is, which is just cumbersome. Second, I think this is a communist move. Communists want everyone to be the same, so I’m sure Stalin and Lenin would’ve been pleased to see everyone have “FAU” printed on their jerseys. Perhaps Florida Atlantic University should change its name to Mother Russia University. Then, everyone can have MRU on the back of their jerseys.

3. While Mother Russia University thinks everyone should have the same name, the people at Illinois are very confused about race. Just check out this picture that Zachary M. sent over:

Forget race; what kind of name is V’Angelo? His parents should’ve just went with Fau.

Random College Football Notes, Week 15:

I wrote last week that if I were a voter, I wouldn’t have Ohio State in my top four. I compared the Buckeyes, who were clearly overrated, to the Kansas City Chiefs, whom I’ve never had higher than No. 7 in my NFL Power Rankings, even when they were 9-0.

Of course, I received some negative feedback for this, but that was to be expected. Here were two of the comments I found below:

– Not only would you have a 1-loss team ahead of undefeated Ohio State you would have an SEC team that didn’t even play in it’s conference championship over the conference champion? Wow. I am so glad you aren’t picking who goes to the national championship game

– I’m glad you’re not voting in the polls Walter. Under your “amazing” logic about the current voters being idiots who vote purely by win-loss record, then that would mean Northern Illinois would be No.3 in the country, NOT Auburn. Yes, I know the Buckeyes have not been the best looking team in the sport. And I know people don’t like to view this as such, but the Big Ten is still one of the major conferences. How can you justify putting a blemished SEC team ahead of a major conference squad that hasn’t lost in two years? That pretty much spits in the face of the idea that “every game matters”. They likely won’t beat the Seminoles, but I’ve watched Braxton Miller a lot this season. The guy’s got a lot of talent & Boston College has shown that scoring on the Seminoles IS possible. I see a high-scoring affair between two squads 60 minutes away from a perfect season to bid farewell to the BCS after countless lopsided-over-by-halftime affairs. Now tell me THAT wouldn’t be exciting. Of course, if the Spartans win on Saturday, then everything I just said is moot & everything will be right with the universe as the SEC battles for an 8th straight national championship.

The first person is someone who subscribes to a typical, dumb ESPN mindset. “How can an undefeated team be ranked lower than a one-loss team when they’re both from BCS conferences, derp dee derp?” Ugh, so stupid. Anyone who ranked Ohio State ahead of Auburn, Missouri and Alabama last week either A) didn’t watch the games, or B) is a moron.

Just because a team hasn’t lost doesn’t mean they should be higher than a team that has lost. The Chiefs are a perfect example. They were 9-0 after Week 10, so if the same idiots who were voting in the college football polls determined the Super Bowl, they would’ve slotted Kansas City in the Big Game. But even though the Chiefs were 9-0, they were eight-point underdogs at one-loss Denver. Kansas City hadn’t lost, so why were they such huge underdogs against a team that had already suffered a defeat? The same exact dynamic applied to Ohio State versus those three aforementioned SEC schools.

The second person made slightly more sense, but he didn’t seem to realize that the Big Ten is nowhere near the SEC. It’s really not even close, and keep in mind that I’m saying this as a Penn State fan and alumnus. The Big Ten isn’t complete garbage, but the SEC just has WAY more talent. You can’t compare the top team in the SEC to the best school in the Big Ten. Alabama would have been a 10-point favorite over Ohio State on a neutral field prior to last weekend’s games. That is a fact.

How do I know this? Well, Bob Scucci, a bookmaker, told Chad Millman that Florida State would be favored by the following amount over the other top-five teams:

-11 vs. Ohio State
-8 vs. Auburn
-7 vs. Missouri
-1 vs. Alabama

Again, this was BEFORE last weekend. Ohio State received zero respect for a reason. The bookmakers, who know more about these teams than anyone, including the inept voters, because it’s their job to set a great line and win tons of money from the public. If they say Alabama is 10 points better than Ohio State, that is certainly the case.

The Buckeyes ultimately lost, which is great news for any college football fan outside of Columbus because a Florida State-Ohio State matchup would have been a disaster. The Seminoles would have won by 20-plus.

The “national championship” will now be Florida State versus Auburn. I don’t have a huge issue with this because the Tigers did whatever they needed to do, but if the voters really wanted the two best teams in the title game, they would have slotted Alabama over Auburn.

The Tide is the second-best team in the country. They lost to Auburn, but again, thinking the Tigers are better than Alabama because of that one game is typical dumb ESPN-type thinking. Auburn barely beat Alabama on its home turf, but only with the help of multiple fluky plays. And this wouldn’t have been an issue if Auburn hadn’t converted that insane Hail Mary at the end of the Georgia game. Alabama would’ve beaten Auburn at home or on a neutral field.

Also, again, the bookmakers believe that Alabama is a touchdown favorite over Auburn. The Tigers are simply hot and lucky; they don’t provide the best matchup against Florida State. And believe me, the Seminoles would be much more fearful of the Tide than Auburn. Florida State should win by two touchdowns or more. I’ll have a definitive selection on my College Football Picks page in a few weeks.

Random College Football Notes, Week 14:

1. It’s unbelievable how college football can be so great and so stupid at the same time. The Alabama-Auburn finish was insane. I couldn’t believe what was happening as I was watching it, and I’m sure you all feel the same way. In fact, I don’t think any of us will forget where we were when we saw Chris Davis return the missed field goal for a touchdown.

Having said that, as unreal as that play was, I don’t think it should mean that Auburn deserves a spot in the national championship over Alabama. If the Tide doesn’t miss that field goal, or have another kick blocked, or even battle Auburn on the road rather than at home or on a neutral field, it wins, and we’re not even having this conversation. How can one crazy play – arguably the greatest play in college football history, rivaling the Stanford Band – determine the national championship?

Because college football doesn’t yet have a playoff, the voters have an obligation to make sure the two best teams get to battle each other in title game. If they thought Alabama was No. 1 prior to playing Auburn, they should still think they’re first – or perhaps second behind highly impressive Florida State – because this was a fluky loss. One insane play that almost never happens shouldn’t drop a team down three spots in the polls.

Unfortunately, the people who vote in the polls aren’t very bright. We’re going to have a Florida State-Ohio State battle even though the Buckeyes aren’t that good (more on that later). If I were to vote, I’d go like this:

1. Florida State
2. Alabama
3. Auburn
4. Missouri
5. Ohio State (reluctantly)

Florida State and Alabama would provide us all with the best matchup in the championship because they’re the two best teams. Just because Ohio State is undefeated doesn’t mean they’re better than these three SEC squads. The Buckeyes remind me of the Kansas City Chiefs. Even when the Chiefs were undefeated, I didn’t slot them above No. 7 in my NFL Power Rankings because they simply weren’t as good as their record said they were. They had trouble beating inferior opponents, which can also be said for the Buckeyes, who couldn’t cover the spread against Illinois and Indiana before nearly falling to crappy Michigan.

Does a team that allowed 600-plus yards to the mediocre Wolverines belong in the national championship? Of course not. Unfortunately, not ranking the Buckeyes in the top three would require logic – something most of the voters do not have because they base their poll solely on records, which is a fallacy.

Seriously, why do records matter when these teams don’t play the same schedule? If Ohio State had battled Auburn, LSU and Texas A&M, it wouldn’t be undefeated right now. Conversely, if Alabama traversed the crappy Big Ten, it would have an unblemished record. These idiots who vote in the polls are such simple-minded homoclites that it’s depressing that they determine which teams play in this so-called national championship.

2. Speaking of Ohio State’s victory over Michigan, Wolverines’ head coach Brady Hoke proved himself to be incompetent when he opted to go for two, down 42-41, with 32 seconds remaining. I have nothing against trying a two-point conversion at the end of the game against a superior foe to ensure victory, but there was just one problem: This wasn’t the end of the game. There was still 32 seconds left, so a successful Michigan conversion wouldn’t have meant a win. Ohio State could’ve easily driven into field-goal range and blasted a kick through the uprights to win the game.

If there were three seconds left, I wouldn’t have criticized Hoke. But he blew it. Unfortunately for Michigan fans, Hoke will be around for at least another year. As a Penn State alumnus, I’m not complaining one bit. Dumb coaches are always welcome in the Big Ten (thanks to you too, Nebraska) as long as they don’t have anything to do with the Nittany Lions.

3. I wouldn’t have ranted about any of this, by the way, if there were a playoff. I know one is coming next year, but why can’t we have one now? That way, we could have Florida State, Ohio State, Alabama and the winner of Auburn-Missouri in a four-game tournament.

Seriously, why can’t a playoff be installed this year? The rules say this will begin after the 2014 season, but f*** the rules. The NCAA can do whatever it pleases. Like really, who the hell would complain about this?

Random College Football Notes, Week 13:

1. I’d be remiss if I didn’t discuss Jameis Winston. I’m not going to pretend like I know what happened. If he did what he’s being accused of, he’s a scumbag. However, we live in a country where you’re innocent until proven guilty, which makes me pissed off that pretentious Heisman voters have said they won’t pick Winston to win the Heisman because of these allegations.

I understand their trepidation – the Heisman is a character award as well – but what if Winston is innocent of all charges? From all accounts, the accuser’s story has tons of holes, so why can’t Winston win the Heisman and be stripped of it if he’s guilty? I think that makes the most sense. He shouldn’t be robbed of the trophy if he didn’t do anything wrong. I think it’s stupid to presume guilt when there’s not overwhelming evidence.

2. Dave P. posted the following on my Facebook wall last week:

Some pretty shady stuff at the end of that Northern Illinois game if you ask me. UNI favored by 8.5-9 and up 7, 34-27 with 1:30 left and Ball St with 0 timeouts. They could’ve just knelt on the ball and ran out the clock. Instead Lynch runs one in and UNI goes up 14, 41-27. The over/under was 72.5. Ball St then throws a pick 6 but it looked like to me the guy went out of bounds at the 1. Play not even reviewed. Game goes over the total.

Nothing like some weekday MACtion! This conference only exists so the Caribbean drug lords and slave traders can fix these games and win money. It doesn’t matter how shady these games are because no one outside of the betting community cares.

3. I wasn’t paying attention to this game, but I saw a blurb on Rotoworld that the North Carolina-Old Dominion contest was shortened by 10 minutes, making it the first time that the fourth-quarter clock had been shaved off. This was factually incorrect – the same thing happened earlier in the season in the Miami-Savannah State blowout back in September – but the reason I’m pointing this out is because college football can be a big joke at times. I get why Old Dominion and Savannah State are battling the “big boys” despite being 1-AA teams – they just want money for their program – but why are North Carolina and Miami taking on these cupcakes? Can’t they at least schedule opponents in 1-A? It’s so dumb because these games just aren’t competitive.

It’s really a no-win situation. If they’re victorious, even by 60 or 70, they’re just doing what they’re supposed to. They might even get some flak for running up the score. If they lose, well, then they just embarrass themselves like Florida did versus Georgia Southern.

Random College Football Notes, Week 11:

1. “I would put my size-13 boot up Johnny Manziel’s backside.”

This is a quote that I would make up for Matt Millen in my fake conversations. But he actually said this. I couldn’t believe it.

I’ve come up with two conclusions about this: First, Millen doesn’t read this Web site, or he’d be aware of his unintentional heterosexually challenged comments. Second, Millen has run out of kielbasas and now has kinky nights with boots instead of kielbasas.

2. Speaking of Millen, here’s a comment I received from David S. last year during the bowl season:

Just wanted to share with you that while watching the FSU-Northern Illinois last night, I startled my wife by erupting in a fit of uncontrolled laughter. No, this had nothing to do with the Huskies’ performance, but rather, Kielbasa Man’s description of an FSU player as “100-percent man.” Even my non-football-loving wife thought it was funny when I explained the blog reference.

Chris B. heard the same thing:

Your boy Matt Millen is announcing the NIU-Florida St. game, and I’m pretty sure he just called Colin Klein Calvin Klein. He just called one of the FSU O-Linemen 100% man, and that he is still raw.

A sexy night with boots and kielbasas and 100-percent raw offensive linemen wearing Calvin Klein? Best night ever for Mr. Millen.

3. This might be the last time I discuss Charlie Weis as a head coach on any level, but his game management is incredibly stupid. His team was down 28-0 in the third quarter. He was faced with a fourth-and-long near the opposing 25. A field goal wouldn’t have done any good because the Jayhawks still would’ve been down four scores. So, what did Weis do? He kicked a field goal, of course.

All right, so that was a long-distance situation, so it could be argued that a field goal wasn’t the worst thing in the world. But what happened at the beginning of the fourth quarter? Now down 35-3, Kansas was inside Oklahoma State’s 10-yard line. Weis called for a field goal to make it a 35-6 game.

Nice job with those field goals, Weis. They really changed the momentum of the game. I’d make fun of you, but I know your brain is made out of doughnuts, so you’re not capable of making sound decisions.

Random College Football Notes, Week 7:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. In honor of Matt Millen’s A Football Life, I feel like I need to comment on him in this section. Millen was the color analyst in Saturday’s Penn State-Michigan game. I found this confusing. ESPN doesn’t allow Kirk Herbstreit to pick the game he broadcasts during College GameDay because it doesn’t want him to be biased during the telecast, yet Millen is allowed to be one of the announcers of a Penn State contest despite the fact that he’s a Nittany Lion alumnus? How the hell does that make any sense? It’s just typical ESPN stupidity.

Oh, and I found it amusing that Millen said his usual sexual phrase during the broadcast when he remarked, “We didn’t know if he could shove it up in there and be physical. I like what I see here.”

You do, do you? Perhaps you’d like it even more if there were kielbasas in the picture as well.

2. Speaking of ESPN stupidity, I loved the following headline on their Web site:

Poor Utah. Its “biggest home upset ever” actually happened to be a loss.

3. I heard renowned gambler Fezzik predict that Oregon will be a favorite over Alabama in the National Championship. That’s great, but what about Oregon State? The Beavers cannot be counted out. Just look at their beatdown of Washington State (thanks, Joe B.):

Holy crap. And they say the Oregon Ducks are explosive!

Random College Football Notes, Week 6:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. Worst beat ever in college football: Northwestern, a 6.5-point underdog, had the ball with no time remaining. They tried one of those weird, lateral, Stanford Band-type plays, but they fumbled, and Ohio State was able to scoop the ball up and run into the end zone, covering the spread. Some of the reactions in the Rx Forum were amusing. Sad, but amusing.

This will never happen, but I’d love to see a sportsbook announce: “Northwestern was the right side, so we’re going to pay out all bets on the Wildcats.” That would cost a ton of money for that book in the short term, but do you know how many future clients it would receive as a result? I think it would bring them a ton of business. Again, it’ll never happen, but it would be cool if it did.

2. I’ve wanted to watch some Texas games this season because I’ve bet against them a couple of times – go here for my College Football Picks – but I can’t because they’re on the Longhorn Network.

Some questions: What the f*** is the Longhorn Network? How does one get the Longhorn Network? And why is a school pretentious enough to think that it needs its own channel?

If I had my way, I’d pay a bunch of outlaws to ransack the Longhorn Network headquarters, forcing Texas football to be broadcasted on regular TV again.

3. Speaking of Texas, Ricky Williams bashed his former school in an interview with Rick Reilly last week. If you missed it, here’s what he said about the players at the University of the Incarnate Word as opposed to the Longhorn athletes:

“They’re here because they love football, and they want to get an education.”

So, players who go to Texas hate football and don’t want to get an education? Sick burn, Ricky.

Random College Football Notes, Week 5:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. It’s pretty well known that there are fixed games in college football each week. MAC contests are notoriously rigged. There were some shenanigans in the Pac-12 this past weekend. Take a look:

CKane had this to say when this happened:

To recap. Cal down 45 gets the backdoor TD, then shanks the XP and doesn’t cover the 38.5.

What the ****ing ****sucking ******** ****ing balls.

Kickers and officials are the ones who rig games the most. They’re paid the least – most college football players do indeed receive money – yet they have so much of an impact on the game. If some shady character comes up to them and offers them a cool five grand to whiff on an extra point or call a bulls*** hold, they’re definitely going to take the money.

2. Speaking of shady officiating and fixed games, e-mailer Kevin J. wrote this to me during the previous college basketball season:

Iona vs. Manhattan. Iona is favored by 4. Iona is winning by 8 with a few seconds left. Manhattan heaves up a desperation 3. It goes in with .1 second left. The fans go nuts and get on the court. Ref calls a double technical on the crowd. Manhattan gets 2 free throws, both go in. Iona wins by 3.

Wow. That makes Vincenzo D’Amato’s whiffed kick seem completely legitimate by comparison.

3. Staying in the Pac-12, I need to say something about Arizona State’s “black-outs,” where the Sun Devil fans go nuts by dressing in black. This is obviously copying some of the “white-outs” we’ve seen everywhere, but it doesn’t work nearly as well. Most of the fans in the stands are white people, so the crowd doesn’t look “blacked out” at all. Then again, hot chicks look great dressed in black, so perhaps this was the real agenda.

Random College Football Notes, Week 4:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. If you haven’t heard, Arian Foster admitted he received money while he played for Tennessee. I read up on the story and saw all of Foster’s quotes, and I now can confidently say that Foster is a giant douche.

Foster’s not a giant douche because he took money or incriminated his former school (at least by NCAA standards) or because he’s a vegan (OK, maybe a little bit because of that). Foster is a giant douche for his supposed reasoning for accepting financial help.

Foster came out and said that he had no choice because he “had to either pay the rent or buy some food.” Yeah, that’s great, except college athletes receive a couple thousand dollars in their meal plan and are provided free housing. This means that Foster chose to live off campus and eat non-commons food. So, it’s not like he “had to either pay the rent or buy some food.” He just opted for better options, so what he said was a complete farce.

Look, I’m all for college players being compensated. The schools profit so much off of them, so it’s only fair. But Foster should just spare us the bulls*** next time he makes an admission like this.

2. Speaking of college football team controversy, I’m sure all of you have heard about Sports Illustrated’s piece on Oklahoma State. It was a five-part story about fraudulent grades, sex and drugs on campus, players receiving money and so on.

My take on it? I don’t care. As stated before, players should be compensated. Athletes do receive bogus grades, but anyone can sign up for garbage classes like the History of Disco and the Art of Mini-Golfing. Who’s anyone to say which courses football and basketball players need to take? I once took a class called Natural Disasters in Hollywood where we watched movies like Dante’s Peak. We had no tests or anything. It was ridiculous, but it satisfied a science requirement. Should I have been penalized for that?

And so what if athletes get A’s when they don’t deserve it? It’s the professor’s call. If anything, the professors should be the ones who are disciplined.

As for sex and drugs… WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! On a college campus? Holy crap! I’m sure no college student has ever encountered any sex or drugs.

My biggest beef with this story is that I don’t see the point. Why break it? Excluding the writer himself, whom is this supposed to benefit? Aside from the drugs – which are prevalent on any college campus – nothing about this is illegal. The NCAA disallows it, but the NCAA, as we all know, is stupid.

Oh, and I’m not completely sure the story is real. Just look at the guy who reported it:

Forget the fact that he’s a confirmed die-hard Oklahoma Sooner fan; just check out this guy’s hair. I would never trust anything a man looking like this says. If he walked up to me and said, “The sky is blue and the grass is green,” I’d respond, “Dude, why the hell did you spike the hair on the back of your head? I just can’t believe you.”

3. I don’t know if I was imagining this because I was so hung over on Saturday, but I remember lying on my couch and hearing some announcer guy on ABC shout, “The UPS college football power index rating has Oregon No. 1! Alabama, ranked No. 1 in the coaches’ poll, is No. 31 on the UPS college football power index!”

Umm… what? Alabama’s the 31st-ranked team according to UPS? What sort of algorithm does UPS use for its power index rating? Does it penalize teams that are totally awesome? Are teams downgraded for having elephant mascots? I don’t understand.

Random College Football Notes, Week 3:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. I need to start paying attention to these new rules college football releases. I was completely unaware of some of them prior to the Alabama-Texas A&M game. If you missed it, an Alabama safety named HaHa Clinton-Dix (**) was ejected for a helmet-to-helmet hit. The tackle wasn’t that fierce – he was definitely going for the ball – yet the official tossed him anyway.

I’m all fine for something like this if it’s completely malicious, but throwing a player out for an ordinary hit is absurd.

Oh, and you know what’s even worse? Per the rule, the booth upstairs can overturn an ejection. This is all good in theory – Clinton-Dix was rightfully allowed to remain in the game – but it completely undermines the official’s credibility. The poor ref stuttered and stammered through his explanation to the crowd after he was overruled.

I didn’t expect the NCAA to get this right because that organization is run by incompetent buffoons, but if you’re going to ask your refs to make a ridiculous call, at least allow it to stand. Or how about this idea: If there’s a malicious hit, suspend the player for the NEXT game… you know, kind of how the NFL does it.

(**) What the hell kind of a name is “HaHa Clinton-Dix,” anyway? I feel like there should be someone at the hospital who disallows parents from naming their kids “HaHa” or “North.” The name “HaHa” should especially be discouraged if the last name is Clinton-Dix. Like really, how many Monica Lewinsky jokes did HaHa have to endure as a child? He probably cried himself to sleep every night once he discovered what a blow job was.

2. I tweeted this during the Alabama-Texas A&M game (@walterfootball): “‘Continued participation without a helmet’ might just be the dumbest rule ever created in any sport.” Amazingly, the Clinton-Dix penalty didn’t fit that distinction.

If you somehow didn’t see it, an A&M defender lost his helmet as Alabama was attempting to run out the clock. He ran after the ball-carrier and tried to make a tackle. He was consequently flagged for staying in the play without his helmet.

Again, the spirit of this rule is positive because it was made to protect the players, but what was this guy supposed to do? Run away from the play? Allow the Alabama player to gain a valuable first down? If he does that, do you know how much flak he’ll get from his teammates? It’s so stupid. If anything, why not issue a warning or something and then penalize a team if it happens twice? Giving Alabama 15 free yards for that was a complete joke.

3. You know what else is a joke? Male cheerleaders. Take a look at this picture I snapped from the Michigan-Akron game:

This is just ridiculous. I thought the whole point of being a male cheerleader was so you could look up cheerleaders’ skirts and then try to bang them later. What is this guy doing just looking forward? How completely useless of him. He’s holding a spot for a nice, pervy dude looking for some great upskirt action. What a douche.

Random College Football Notes, Week 2:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

1. I can’t begin any discussion about college football without bringing up what happened during halftime of the Michigan-Notre Dame game. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you missed one of the most ridiculous moments in college football history:

First of all, I guess this is what happens when you smoke weed, snort coke and take LSD all at the same time. Second, what is ESPN thinking by putting this has-been clown on TV? When’s the last time Eminem had a hit song, 2002? Why’s he going to sing the intro to college football? Who’s he going to appeal to besides the 25-to-40-year-old gangsta wanna-be demographic?

2. Speaking of Notre Dame, I thought this sign was absolutely hilarious:

You know, I can see why Manti Te’o had the hots for that chick.

3. I usually complain about my wrong NFL picks, but I’d like to rant a bit about my two-unit loss in the Cincinnati-Illinois contest. I woke up around 1 Saturday afternoon. I turned on the TV just in time to see Illinois kicking a field goal to make it 21-0. I figured I just had the wrong side and went about my day.

I checked back in once I saw that Cincinnati was driving, down 21-10. They had the ball on the Illinois 2-yard line. A touchdown here plus two more would give me the cover! Well, fourth down came around. The Bearcats went for it and appeared to score. The officials checked the replay, and despite both announcers stating that there was no way the call could be overturned, the ref ruled that the quarterback was short of the goal line. ESPN even had their own college football version of Mike Pereira, some guy named Dave Cutaia, who stated, “I saw no visible visual evidence that would make me overturn the call.”

OK, so the refs just screwed up, right? Well, on the following drive, Illinois clearly fumbled. The ball was recovered by Cincinnati. The official immediately announced that the runner was down by contact even though it was obvious that wasn’t the case.

So that’s how Illinois went up 21-0. The officials obviously had something to do with it. Oh, and making matters worse, there was a player in this contest named Silverberry Moon, or at least that’s what I heard.

Shadiest game of all time? I think so.

Random College Football Notes, Week 1:

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

There were three major headlines regarding college football this offseason. They were:

1. Johnny Manziel’s autograph scandal (and other off-the-field issues).

2. Jadeveon Clowney considering sitting out to avoid ruining his NFL Draft status.

3. The Ohio State arrests.

Here’s my take on each of these items:

1. Johnny Football is an a**hole. Plain and simple. He won the Heisman and had everything going for him. Scouts told us that he “looked like a first-rounder,” so I had him as high as No. 2 in my 2014 NFL Mock Draft at one point. All he had to do was avoid injuries and off-the-field scandals, and he would enter the league by storm with companies begging him to be their spokesperson.

Manziel certainly hasn’t suffered an injury, but he’s hurt his image with all of his antics. Missing Peyton Manning’s quarterback camp because he was too hungover was inexcusable.

“I�m just a college kid trying to enjoy life,” he defended himself back in July.

No, Johnny, you’re not just a college kid. If you want to be just a college kid, quit football and become an Econ major, or something. You’re the most prominent person at your school right now, and people are evaluating your mental makeup to see if you can be the face of an organization worth nine or 10 figures. That doesn’t sound like just a college kid to me.

It’s pretty alarming to me that Manziel doesn’t seem to get it. He has to understand that he’s being held to a higher standard than a normal college kid. He needs to stop screwing up before he permanently ruins his professional career.

Having said all of that, the autograph story is beyond ridiculous. I don’t understand how it’s legal for the NCAA to prohibit players from profiting off their own name when the NCAA has done so for decades. All of these top college players need to get together and file a class-action lawsuit against the NCAA and bring those greedy scumbags down.

2. Jadeveon Clowney made some noise by hinting that he’ll sit out the 2013 season so that he doesn’t get hurt. It would be very unfortunate if Clowney tore his Achilles or something, but that’s just how life goes. You can’t say to yourself, “I’d go to work today and make money, but I’m not going to drive because I could get into an accident, which could cost me even more.” There are risks in life.

Clowney ultimately decided that he would play, which was the right move because NFL teams would consider him a wuss otherwise. Besides, if Clowney sat out, there’s no doubt that karma would strike. Perhaps he’d trip on a McDonald’s bag like Brandon Marshall or slip on a wet mat like Kevin Kolb. Nah, forget I said that. The only football player capable of suffering an injury via wet mat is Kolb.

Of course, this all wouldn’t be an issue if Clowney were allowed to make money on endorsements and autographs right now. I can’t imagine the NCAA being able to get away with this crooked bulls*** much longer, especially with the Ed O’Bannon lawsuit happening.

3. So, some of Urban Meyer’s players were arrested this offseason? I AM SOOOOO SHOCKED!!! Meyer has never, ever been associated with any players who have broken the law, so I was completely taken aback when I heard the news. Like, my jaw literally dropped to the floor. I am not joking.

Oh, and here are two related jokes I heard during the offseason:

A. A serial killer, a racist and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey it’s the Florida Gators!”

B. O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis, Aaron Hernandez and a friend walk into a bar. The friend never made it home.

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