Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started seven years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.

I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Harvey Weinstein, Tom Brady and Walter White. I’ll have new answers to spam mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!

This isn’t exactly an e-mail. I’m friends with an older man named Jeff. I met him at one of my former gyms, and we became friends on Facebook. He’s 70-75, if I had to guess, so he’s not someone who would get into karate. Knowing this, I responded appropriately when “Jeff” messaged me, sounding as if someone hacked his account. Take a look at this exchange:

“I have to respect the order!” How great is that!? Jeff, a 70-year-old man, is going to sweep the leg in the next karate tournament!

Here’s another exchange with a Facebook spammer. I received a request from someone who appeared to be an attractive girl. I assumed this was a spammer, as those who look like hot women are spammers 99 percent of the time, but there have been exceptions. I even dated a hot chick who was a fan of the site!

I didn’t think this “girl” was real, but it was worth finding out:

This “girl” wasn’t reading my responses the entire time, but “my wife says she’s interested in seeing this” definitely got “her” attention because that’s the last time I heard from this particular spammer.

Let’s get to some e-mails! I received an e-mail from someone named Christina Hammock, who claimed to be a doctor who works with the Red Cross in Syria. And yet, she contacted me! Wow!

There was only one fictional character I could pretend to be when answering a pretend doctor from the Red Cross:

You wouldn’t think that someone would be stupid enough to respond to a person claiming to be Count Dracula, but Christina Hammock is a moron. Here’s her reply:

She also sent a picture of herself:

Oh wow, how believable. Here was my response:

Will Christina Hammock finally realize that she’s speaking to one of the most famous fictional characters in literary and cinematic history?

It turns out that Christina Hammock believes that she is, in fact, talking to Count Dracula:

This e-mail went on for a while, and of course, she demanded payment information. Here’s my reply:

I just told this lady that a villager tried to kill me, and that I need her blood so I can punish them. She can’t possibly be stupid enough to respond, right?

Wrong! Christina Hammock is a dumb-dumb.

Christina, I asked what blood types you have; not what blood types are! What an idiot. How can she possibly think I’m serious, given that I told her I need blood to keep people from killing me?

Here’s what I wrote back:

Don’t try to use that credit card number! It’s a fake. Predictably, this did not work, prompting Christina to ask for my bank information.

Here’s what I said:

You might be confused. Who is Mulyana Dreamad, you ask? She’s another spammer who contacted me. That’s right – I’m getting one spammer to reach out to another for bank information!

Christina Hammock e-mailed me back, asking for more information. I replied:

That’s a real bank in London. Let’s see if Christina called them and asked for Count Dracula’s information…

She really did it. She called the London bank and asked for Count Dracula’s information. Unreal.

I wasn’t going to get much further with Christina Hammock as Count Dracula, so let’s pretend that she was responsible for Count Dracula’s death!

Unfortunately, Christina Hammock didn’t respond, as she possibly went into hiding because a vengeful Count Alucard was after her.

Here’s the beginning of the next spam mail exchange:

Wait, what!? “Looking for sexy man just like me?” Is Sharon Denis a man? She sure doesn’t look like one, but you can’t assume anything these days.

Since Sharon Denis is looking for “sexy man just like me,” let’s pretend to be looking for a sexy man. Enter Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, a gay man!

Will Captain Holt be the sexy man Sharon Denis is looking for? I can’t wait to find out!

Sharon Denis e-mailed me back. Let’s see if Captain Holt is the sexy man she’s looking for to resemble her.

Well, that’s nice, at least. Thanks for the best wishes, Sharon!

Here’s another spammer looking for love:

Rebecca is super hot. Here are the enlarged pictures she sent me:

Rebecca really caught my eye because she looks a lot like this hot lifeguard I once knew at the gym. The lifeguard showed serious interest in me, but I was in a relationship (with the girl I’d eventually marry), so nothing materialized. She was an idiot, anyhow, and she was very boring to talk to. She’d always approach me while I was in the hot tub and engage in 30-minute conversations with me about CW shows and her chain-smoking friends. If I were single, I may have been more intrigued, but only because of the prospect of sex.

Nevertheless, I was glad I responded to this Rebecca Lartey because this ended up being the best spammer exchange I’ve ever had. I’m looking forward to sharing what happened with you. You won’t be disappointed!

Here was my first reply to the lovely Rebecca Lartey. Given how beautiful she is, I had to choose an absolutely pathetic man, a virgin who still lives with his mom despite being in his mid-60s:

Rebecca replied almost instantly:

Wait, wait, wait, wait… Didn’t she say her name was Rebecca Lartey? Why is it suddenly Eunice? This idiot spammers need to keep their story straight. Also, call me crazy, but this girl doesn’t look like she lives in Ghana:

Why is she giving the thumbs up in that picture? Honestly though, I received this e-mail back in January of 2019, and yet this is the first time I noticed her thumbs up sign because I had already been distracted by her cleavage. Hey, I’m just a guy, what am I supposed to do?

Regardless, here’s my reply:

Oh man, let’s hope that Don Tollefson and Emmitt Smith don’t tell Kevin Reilly’s mom about Kevin’s new girlfriend!

Rebecca Lartey/Euinice replied:

I’ll give Rebecca Lartey/Eunice this: At least she’s reading my replies, unlike that other Facebook idiot.

Here’s my answer:

Those are pictures of the real Kevin Reilly, the former broadcaster for Philadelphia Eagles preseason games. I highly doubt he’s a 66-year-old virgin who lives with his mother, but the way he obsessed about “his” Eagles, he very well could be. Maybe saying that his mother home schools him was taking it a bit too far, but Rebecca/Eunice didn’t seem to mind.

Rebecca/Eunice sure sounds interested in this 66-year-old virgin still living with his mom! She’s asking him lots of questions, and I was happy to answer:

Let’s hope Kevin Reilly doesn’t get that dreaded “F” in home-schooling!

Things are getting hot and heavy between Rebecca/Eunice and Kevin Reilly:

Wow, she said “daughter-in-law” already. After just a few e-mails. She moves quickly!

I feel like this spammer is more clever than most others. I think the person pretending to be Rebecca/Eunice recognizes how desperate a 66-year-old virgin who lives with his mother must be. That said, I’m not sure how believable it is that Rebecca/Eunice’s mother sold plastic water bottles in Ghana, but whatever.

Rebecca/Eunice sent some more pictures I thought I’d share with you:

I know the person e-mailing me isn’t really this woman, but the woman in these pictures is a real person somewhere (apparently, Dani Daniels, per a comment below.) She’s super hot, and I doubt she’d fall for a 66-year-old virgin living with his mother!

Anyway, Rebecca/Eunice was very desperate because she didn’t hear from Kevin Reilly right away:

Dude, chill out. It was 20 hours since I replied, and she was going nuts. I guess she realized that a 66-year-old virgin still living with his mother wouldn’t be turned off by someone being so needy.

How can Mother possibly think that Kevin Reilly is too young to have a wife and kids? He’s nearly a graduate of home school, after all!

I heard back from Rebecca/Eunice again:

I called this spammer clever before. She sounded dumb when she called Kevin both “Kelvin” and Kenvil.” What kind of a name is Kenvil? She could at least get his name right!

Then again, what she asked for at the end is smart. Kevin Reilly’s relationship with Mother may sound suspicious, so this is her chance to see if it’s real. Fortunately, I was able to outwit her.

Mother being allergic to camera flashes had to work, right? Oh, and yes, Kevin Reilly wrote a book! Rebecca/Eunice better seal the deal with me before Kevin finishes his next book!

Phew, it worked! I was worried that being incapable of providing a picture of Kevin Reilly with Mother would end this exchange, but it continued…

Is it just me, or does that sound exactly like something Jay Cutler would do with his son? “Mommy, daddy fell asleep while playing catch with me outside again!”

Here was the next response from Rebecca/Eunice:

So much for the person pretending to be Dani Daniels being smart. I already told her what I do for a living, yet she asked me again! My suspicion is that this spammer talks to many desperate guys via e-mail and just lost track of what we already discussed. Let’s just hope that Kevin Reilly doesn’t realize that Rebecca/Eunice has lots of interests!

Rebecca/Eunice sent me another e-mail before I could reply:

Way to stand up to Don Tollefson! The man is a scumbag for sure. The real man, I mean. He was sent to prison for scamming old people out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Anyway, the last paragraph is telling about this spammer’s plans. I had a feeling it was going to lead to her asking me for travel money. Nevertheless, I was able to reply before yet another e-mail from her.

Oh boy, this is getting intense! Let’s hope Kevin Reilly doesn’t get caught stealing money from Mother’s purse!

Rebecca/Eunice stepped up her game, as you’ll see here:

Rebecca/Eunice, as I suspected, has begun demanding money. To seal the deal, she sent that picture at the bottom. It’s much better if I enlarge it:

Whoa, momma! I can only imagine how quickly a 66-year-old virgin living with his mother would splooge all over his computer upon seeing this picture. If this doesn’t get a pathetic loser like Kevin Reilly to fork over money to a spammer, nothing will!

I didn’t respond quickly enough, so Rebecca/Eunice tried to warn Kevin Reilly about her Internet troubles again:

I can’t possibly let Rebecca/Eunice disconnect from the Internet!

One day, I’m going to write Kevin Reilly’s manifesto for him. It’s going to be glorious.

At long last, we can get some clarity about why Rebecca Lartey goes by “Eunice.”

A couple of important things here. First, Rebecca/Eunice sent me another picture of her in bra and panties:

I was distracted by that for a while, but then I got to thinking: Why was it so important for the woman who called herself Eunice for so long to explain why I need to send money to a “Rebecca Lartey?” This prompted me to search on Facebook for a Rebecca Lartey from Ghana. Here’s what I found:

Wow. A Rebecca Lartey from Accra, Ghana. She’s real. She’s not the hot chick who looks like the lifeguard from my gym (or Dani Daniels), but there really is a Rebecca Lartey from Accra, Ghana. That’s insane.

Go search for this yourself if you want to see her entire profile. If you do, you’ll see that she has a son who recently graduated from high school. He wears glasses. Take note of that for the future.

At any rate, this got me thinking if there’s also a Eunice from Accra, Ghana. Could it be the hot chick who looks like the lifeguard from my gym, or even Dani Daniels? No, but there is a Eunice from Accra, Ghana!

This is Rebecca Lartey from Accra, Ghana, and she wanted me to send money directly to her by pretending to be a willing, attractive white girl. I never thought I’d discover the true identites of scam artists I constantly reply to, but I finally managed to do so. And my revenge would be oh, so sweet.

It’s time to get revenge on an evil spammer. I’d have to ease into it, however. Here’s how I begun:

Hey, if I can get more pictures of a hot chick in bra and panties, I might as well go for it, right? Unfortunately, Rebecca Lartey did not oblige.

Wait, so Rebecca Lartey claims her father called her Eunice because her grandmother’s name was Eunice? That’s dumb. Then again, there has to be some sort of truth to this, right? It’s like the phenomenon where an author’s first book is a bit about themselves. Rebecca Lartey, at some point, must have taken real aspects of her life and put them in these e-mails. Perhaps this is it. If so, Rebecca Lartey, your dad was an idiot.

I meant to say, “What did he call your grandmother?” but whatever. I was too busy laughing at the idea that Jay Cutler would call a much older man “hey, kid.” That seems like something the real Jay Cutler would do.

Rebecca Lartey finally gave me a deadline to send the money to her:

Oh, no. Time is running out! Kevin Reilly better come up with a plan to get the money to Rebecca!

I wonder how Rebecca will respond to this. Is she evil enough to allow a woman to get kidnapped so that she can con someone out of $200? Let’s find out:

Nope! She doesn’t care one bit. An innocent woman can get kidnapped for all she cares, just so she can buy another Canon camera, or whatever she had around her neck in the picture above. What a disgusting human being.

Rebecca lashed out at me a minute later:

Good question! I’ll have to come up with a good answer!

So, I’ve been telling you that I planned some revenge for Rebecca Lartey. Having knowledge of her and her family would allow me to teach this scumbag a lesson she’ll never forget.

I just described her son. Yes, Rebecca Lartey, your son is a terrorist who is producing a nerve agent. And Ron Wolfley is coming to town to assassinate him!

Now, look, no one is going to do anything to Rebecca Lartey’s son. I just wanted to scare her. I felt bad for a minute, but then I realized how evil this woman is. She tricks desperate, lonely men into sending money to her. It’s absolutely horrible, so giving her a scare seems completely justified.

Well, it seemed to work. For the first time, Rebecca Lartey didn’t send me a lengthy e-mail:

Hmm… interesting. It’s almost as if she wanted to stop talking to me, but opted to try a last-ditch effort to scam some money out of me.

Let’s give it one more try:

Something tells me that I’m not going to see pictures of a hot chick wearing bra and panties from Rebecca Lartey again.

There still was no answer from Rebecca Lartey. Here’s another attempt to communicate with her:

Still nothing. I decided to try again a couple of weeks later:

I decided not to mention someone resembling her son this time. Rebecca finally replied a week later:

It’s amazing that all she cares about is money. And here I thought we were in love!

Anyway, Rebecca conveniently replied when she believed that I would no longer be in Ghana. I guess I’ll have to try to scare her again.

Here’s another e-mail to Rebecca Lartey:

That prompted this exchange:

Sadly, Rebecca didn’t reply after that. With the 2019 NFL Draft coming up, I forgot about Rebecca, but I tried to communicate with her once again in the summer, this time trying another approach to scare her:

I can’t even imagine what was going through this woman’s mind. Someone she was trying to con is going to visit her – along with half of his Nick Foles collection!

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